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Frances Okoro: The Consequences Of Revealing That I Had An Abortion

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dreamstime_l_54248570I have been told that my mom has taken to a habit recently… grumbling at the dumb move I made by revealing my shady past.

I listen to my sister as she details the things my mom says and I want to ask “but why is she saying these hurtful things?”
But then the love of God constrains me to see through her lenses.
I remember that she wasn’t with us when all those things happened in my life and it would be easy for her to blame herself as the cause of everything that seemingly went wrong in my life.
I would have regrets too if I have not been cured of that by Jesus.

So here’s the truth…

The truth is that I encountered porn and started masturbating when I was 14…
I used to call up numbers of boys I had never met from the newspaper to look into being in a relationship with them…
I met a boyfriend when I was in the university; a relationship in which I was psychologically abused and in which I committed two abortions…
I was dead, empty, devoid of any self-worth or value and filled with pain and guilt arising from what I had done to my unborn babies…till I found Jesus Christ…
And now, the most important truth is that I am not that girl in the university anymore.

I was so worried when I got tugged on to share this story in public…
I was plagued by:
What will people say…?
What will people think…?
What will my mom say…?
Won’t my dad be disappointed in me…?

I wondered at backlash I would face from the public and condemnation from the great Christians who have never done anything wrong in their lives…
I was crazy with worry before the post went up on the blog and even more frantic when I knew that my story would go into my book on purpose…

But instead of the expected condemnation, I have simply realized that there are a lot of broken souls like I was in the past, each limping with clipped wings, wondering if they would ever have anything of worth to offer the world.
I realized that I am not the only one who has scars from the past that needs to be healed by Jesus, we all have something or the other that needs healing.

And so consequences of my revealing that I had an abortion became lives transformed and renewed in Christ.
Letting my scars out has simply served to heal other scars.

Sometimes I wish my mom’s eyes could be open to see why I am so unashamed about my life.
If perhaps she could get the same mails I get on lives surrendered to live in purity or lives that have been hunted with guilt from the blood on their hands being set free…
If only she could see the joy in that young girl’s face who was suddenly got the truth that God still has good plans for her life despite whatever may have happened in the past…
Maybe if my mom could see these things, she won’t be so hard on herself or on me.

And if I was asked “Frances, if you were allowed to go back in time… to the moments before you hit publish on that blog post or before you released your book with your story within its pages… would you do things differently?”

Today, a year after I obeyed God and shared my past for all to see, I can answer that question with a sincere NO.
I am so glad that I obeyed God.

I thought it was going to be terrible, instead it has sprung life and light both in my life and in the lives of others.
Lives are being surrendered to God’s purposes for their lives…
Hearts are being mended from the pain of the past…
Other lost souls like I was in the past are finding hope… all through one story I thought was too shameful to be revealed to anyone.

The consequences of my sharing that I had an abortion have been…
Lives renewed…
Hope reignited…
Souls won to Jesus…
Women being plunked back on the right track…

And for these kinds of consequences, I can only hope that my mom will someday understand why I share my story to everyone who needs it over and over and over again.

There are too many broken souls in the world.
Too many souls with blood on their hands from past abortions…
Too many ladies who think that their lives ends at having sex with multiple men…
Too many ladies who have been relegated to being a nobody because of a terrible relationship…
I was like them before, and now I simply want them to know that they can be like me right now.

God still has a purpose for their lives, their lives does not end at the place where they stand right now.
And the mess they want to hide can actually be their message.
And for the consequence of one more life that will believe and walk in this truth, I will share my past over and over again.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Hephzibah Frances is a Lawyer and author currently based in Lagos Nigeria. She is an author of more than 15 books including the best-selling book “Prayers for your future husband”. She is a Voice for the Lord. She proclaims God to the Nations through her songs, books, podcasts, talk-shows, movies and the new media. Carrying God’s word to her generation on the wings of the wind. She is the founder of two women ministries, The Women At The Well and The Deborah Generation She is also the founder of Awakening Youthful Seeds For Christ Initiative a Non-Governmental Organisation focused on raising purposeful youths. She runs a business to help authors and aspiring authors BIRTH THEIR BOOK DREAMS at Beautiful Feet Publishing - Email: [email protected] for help with all things publishing and marketing your books. ***** KEEP IN TOUCH: Email her at [email protected] Follow Her On Social Media: On Facebook: HephzibahFrances On twitter @Hephzibahfran/ On instagram @hephzibahfrances Listen to her Podcasts At: Podcasts By Hephzibah Frances Watch her videos on her YouTube Channel at - Hephzibah Frances Read her blog at www.hephzibahfrances.com Download FREE eBooks written by her from here

83 Comments

  1. Rose

    June 29, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    Wow…sooo inspiring… Thank God for Grace… Thank God for your life…all the best girlll….keep inspiring..

  2. Olorificent

    June 29, 2016 at 9:54 pm

    Thank God for grace and his undiluted love,despite the past, he still gave me a Son. If not for your grace…….

  3. Berry Dakara

    June 29, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    I think that your mum just doesn’t understand because she thinks you might be reliving the experience. It’s the same way some of my family members didn’t appreciate my sharing about trying to get pregnant. At the end of the day, I think that God can turn bad stories and experiences around, using them to touch others who have been through it or preventing others from making the same mistakes.

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 3:02 pm

      God does great work with our stories Berry, I totally agree as I have seen it over and over again, enough to drop my fears and shame and human excuses and let Him use my story… And true, I stopped and tried to see through my mom’s eyes and understand her completely…

      On your own story, you pop in my mind for prayers from tie to time and I think God knows share or story fosters love, community and lifting each other up, I see that In your story of your kids who are sure to arrive soonest…. In Jesus Name, amen

  4. nunulicious

    June 29, 2016 at 10:38 pm

    Brave of you!
    Me too I had an abortion in university. By evacuation. I don’t like thinking about it. Have told only one person about it-the would have been dad. He was supportive. I’ve asked for forgiveness. don’t know how I feel about it. so I don’t talk about it.
    I’m not sure I could really tell all my stories. Thank God for BN and anonymous names lol.

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 3:18 pm

      Lol nunullicious, Thank God for anonymity ei. Loll

      ONe thing that healed me competely was actually telling my story, it too away shame and regret, it was God’s way of reaking me away competely from the past.
      I believe God works on us All to come to that stage, it might be one person on He leads you to share with but somehow healing streams in when we break the silence

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 3:26 pm

      *you will have not issues with wondering or worrying about a future guy

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 3:18 pm

      *typos.
      , breaking
      *took

  5. Ginger

    June 29, 2016 at 11:21 pm

    I know abortion is a sin and many Bible thumpers will remind you of that every chance they get, but I hope that you get the forgiveness and grace that you seek. God is here for all of us, and it’s great that you’re doing all these great things and letting others know that greatness can come out of everyone. As Warsan Shire said ‘Essentially, if our secrets are secrets because we are told to be ashamed, then we must share them. There is no shame in being sad or struggling or trying to heal. We are all desperate, depraved and sacred.’

  6. Julie the Lily

    June 29, 2016 at 11:33 pm

    Aah Frances, I had 2 terminations in univeristy, the relationship failed eventually and I live in constant regret. I’ve prayed and cried for forgiveness and sometimes I feel peace, other days the guilt comes back in full force. Stayed away from relationships for a long time because i always felt unworthy then I met someone, I debated with myself on whether to tell him, this was not a secret I wanted to keep because he had been open with me. I told him and waited for condemnation and it didnt come. I was surprised to hear him say it was in the past and that he understood we all made mistakes. For two years, I waited for his attitude to change, for him to bring it up in an argument, for him to leave, it never happened. One day he starts to talk about wanting to get married and I froze, I said what if I can’t have children, what if I’m damaged…..He says we will deal with it together if that’s the case.
    We are planning a wedding and although I haven’t completely dealt with the guilt, I’m glad that I’m with someone who loves me with my mistakes and all.

    • Mercy Lord

      June 30, 2016 at 9:26 am

      @Julie the Lily…Thank God for the grace and boldness He gave you to be able to open up to your fiancé, i’m in a similar situation, although I haven’t told him yet, i’m asking God for grace and boldness to be able to, I pray God helps us and have Mercy on us all. Amen.

    • Becky

      June 30, 2016 at 8:44 pm

      When we started dating, I told my husband about my past abortion and he keeps bringing it up and using it against me every time we fight.. I have since learnt that some things you just don’t tell your partner…Thank God yours was understanding.

    • Tisha Smith

      July 1, 2016 at 1:36 am

      You need to prayerfully look for a Pastor whom God will lead you to, who understands such situations and can help you and your husband walk through the issues.

      He needs to forgive you for the past and let go of it. You need to forgive yourself also and know that God doesn’t see you that way. Pray for your husband too.

      If he’s constantly emotionally abusive, get counselors that both of you can talk about your relationship in their presence,

      Discretion is a priority if not the problem will only get worse and you start pretending. Make sure the people you confide in are discreet and fear God.

      Pray before choosing a counselor.

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 11:28 pm

      So glad for your story Julie…
      Just like Him to give you a man like Himself, one who doesn’t see you in the light of the past… however, I pray you fully receive the forgiveness God gives and live like the pure daughter of God like you are.
      Little by little, God will work on you to a place of no guilt but thankfulness and appreciation of His grace FULLY

  7. Ijeoma

    June 29, 2016 at 11:40 pm

    Thanks Frances. You don’t know how much this article spoke to me. My relationship just ended 2 hours ago, it was celibate and chaste, I felt was finally doing something right. However something from my past won’t let me be happy. This year has been filled with so much heartaches I’m almost choking from it all. So with tears flowing down my eyes I get on bellanaija for comfort reading and see this article.

    Thanks for giving me a reason to hope for brighter days, the tears haven’t stopped flowing but hey I’ll feel better somehow.

    • O'Kel

      June 30, 2016 at 10:12 am

      You Ijeoma, will be fine, you’ll see. *ehugs*

    • lady O

      June 30, 2016 at 10:52 am

      when i read this i felt it was me talking mine ended before it started…… he was confused whether to be with me or not cause i’m a virgin. we kissed two days ago and he went blank i called and called havent heard from him and he blocked my number i was mad went on an emotional rant sent a whatsapp message and he said lets be friends he doesnt want to hurt me….. i almost died of tears…. i ran on my kneels and asked God why am i been persecuted for keeping to his words and he pointed me to romans 8:4 those who live according to the flesh set their minds on things the flesh desires those who live in accordance with the spirit set their mind on things of the spirit….. it has been an emotional 2 months of confusion and God just sorted me out right in time….. although i wish i could know what that sentence meant i don’t want to hurt you…. i really did liked him and felt we could walk through the no sex thingy but i guess sex is a big deal for him while dating i dont cruxify him for that not everyone has that kind of strength and grace but now we cant be friends

      most times i ask myself is there’s any man left in this world especially lagos who can stand the no sex thing before marriage cause they are rare to find. i do not regret my decision of not having sex. I’m close to 30 and it hurts that i can’t have a relationship cause of my decision my friends says they are the wrong ones for me they are just temptations and i should be strong and hold on to God and his promises.
      are there people who are like me out there? how do you cope with the disappointment cause im even scared opening up my heart to someone else its like am caged with fear.

    • FasholasLover

      June 30, 2016 at 1:59 pm

      @Lady O, Dry your tears. You are indeed a very very lucky lady. The meaning of the sentence will become clearer when you stop crying. You got away. He most probably was looking for a fling and booty. I believe, he also has a conscience or better still, the God you serve just rescued you. Wipe your tears. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. You should celebrate!

    • Chicabelle

      June 30, 2016 at 2:59 pm

      Lady O you are not alone. I’m currently in a similar situation; close to 30 never had sex. The guys just seem to run away or cut me off somehow, and I’m really nice, I know that …lol
      Regardless I’m steadfast and I know for sure that God’s promises are sure and will come to pass
      I’ll say don’t be sad or compromise, but live your life to the fullest the best way you can. Surround yourself with great and supportive friends and soon love will find you…Amen

    • lady O

      June 30, 2016 at 3:25 pm

      @Chicabelle pls i need friends like you in my life my email is [email protected]

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 3:38 pm

      Oh lady o, there are a lot of us out there. Even worse or for the best, God led me to make a decision to not even kiss before marriage. Am I worred if I willl find a man who will adhere?
      Nope, God has set the bar high for me and any man less than His own for me, I dont want.
      I want God to write my love story and I desire with all my heart to do this His way, my way is always wrong… We are plenty waiting for God and saying no to wrong relationships that don’t align with His Word. Dot feel alone.

      I fix my mind on love stories done God’s way, I know a lot of the coupes personally. GOD’s man for you will please God with you and it will be absolutely worth it..
      Thank God for keeping you for the right man and not letting you go on.thats mercy right there.

      And are you In Lagos? We have a Christian singles group, called the women at the well, we will be meeting soon., I believe the community will help you
      You can do me a mail at [email protected]

    • Bebabe

      June 30, 2016 at 12:28 pm

      Ijeoma, please stop crying, your situation might be like this today, but trust me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I pray that God will give you the strength to carry on. You are strong, and there is a purpose for your life. E-hugs to you.

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 11:46 pm

      Hi Ijeoma,
      I have had a funny year too, till last two weeks I got a name for my year for my year… its called an “all things work together for good year”.Romans 8:28

      I suddenly had insight into how Joseph felt in his years in the prison, David in the bush..definitely years of tears and pain but God was working it all out for good…this has stilled and calmed my heart and fears… I can go on in thanksgiving knowing that EVERYTHING is working out for good, right now, right here where I stand.
      I pray this knowledge wraps you up too….

    • Osa

      July 1, 2016 at 12:20 am

      Hey Frances,

      How are you doing? Sorry to hear your story. I actually have an emotional healing workshop I run every three to four months. It is in Canada and I have one coming up in August. Usually, I do not allow people connect online as participants share many personal (hurtful) details. But I will like to do a session with you for free. I charge for them (space, lunch and program materials) but if you are interested, we can schedule a date and do one via skype. Let me know and I will send you the details.

    • Tisha Smith

      July 1, 2016 at 1:39 am

      God will lead you to the read man. Your marriage relationship. The relationship you have with your husband in marriage is a priority for God. Surrender and let him lead you.

  8. The real D

    June 30, 2016 at 12:04 am

    Being obedient to God is key and I am more blessed to have read your story. Something I feel God has been laying on my heart is the importance of obedience. Although that’s probably just a by product of your write up but I needed that. I thank God for your life, may His grace always be sufficient of us all!!!

  9. Naijatalk

    June 30, 2016 at 12:49 am

    Such a brave and beautiful soldier for Jesus. You are light, and you will never grow dim in Jesus name

    • Naijatalk

      June 30, 2016 at 2:15 am

      *go dim

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 11:49 pm

      Amen.. thank you Naija talk

  10. tunmi

    June 30, 2016 at 2:35 am

    So she’s forgiven because she hammers on Christianity. I see.

    I am absolutely happy that you are living your life as you want. I am glad you found a reason to live life to the fullest.

    • Naijatalk

      June 30, 2016 at 2:49 am

      No, she has forgiven herself and can speak freely about her past to help others. This is difficult to do anywhere, for anyone who believes abortion is taking a life, especially in a judgmental society like Nigeria.

    • mek

      June 30, 2016 at 8:43 am

      No ma/sir. She’s forgiven because she asked God for it and He gives forgiveness freely to all men regardless of what they have done. Furthermore, Jesus always said: Go and sin no more…

  11. Bodunade

    June 30, 2016 at 6:21 am

    Feeling some typa way. Thank God for your life and the ones you think you have ‘Saved’.
    You are brave woman, your honesty is really refreshing.

    • "changing moniker"

      June 30, 2016 at 10:46 am

      Why are you feeling “some typa way”?

    • Bodunade

      June 30, 2016 at 11:18 am

      @changing Moniker.
      I still have beef with you. Not talking o. You let Egghead destroy our BN Love.
      @yeyeperry
      You know me too much to believe I’m bitter.. Hahaha.. You have some explaining to do. 😀

    • Yeyeperry

      June 30, 2016 at 10:57 am

      What do you mean by the ones she thinks she has saved?
      Do you know how many people out there who think they are beyond redemption because of their guilt?
      If this lady could speak up and inspire others that there is more to them than their mistakes then i applaud her.
      Bitter people be worsening society.

    • "changing moniker"

      July 1, 2016 at 12:38 pm

      are we the BN lovers someone talked about in a previous post? @Bodunade?

  12. osaretin

    June 30, 2016 at 8:14 am

    Very touching.

  13. Sharon Ifeoma

    June 30, 2016 at 8:45 am

    Everyone has a story and a tale to tell. Your’s is abortion…. Mine is disability. It has been very difficult for me to share the down side of living with a disability. The pain, struggles and challenges I have had to go through.
    A few years ago, in the place of prayer, God told me that this is my calling. I didn’t have the gift of disability by accident and it is time to get out there and help other people.
    So I had to get my art together by putting together my experiences, knowledge and of course education to helping others and guess WHAT? I has been AMAZING!!!
    I found out that by sharing my story, counselling and having therapy sessions with other individuals and their families whose been blessed with the gift of disability, lives have been transformed, suicide decisions have been dropped, people have found closure, coping and are at the place of total acceptance.
    I am still struggling to write about my experience(s) living with disability however, I find it easier to talk about in my sessions and it has been a blessing.

    Thanks for sharing this with us Frances.

    sharonifeoma.blogspot.com

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 11:53 pm

      Love how you can call it “a gift” Sharon.
      #Perspective… I know it has taken you years to get here where you stand, but I am thankful for your journey, thankful you can share, thankful you can see a gift in the pain…

      And yes, its no accident that our lives are the way they are, Psalm 139, our days were written before they were ever one of them…thankful that nothing takes God by surprise and with Him, seemingly bad is turned for glory…

  14. Moyo

    June 30, 2016 at 8:49 am

    Dear Frances, One thing that I have learnt is that you should never feel sorry or apologise for a decision you took that is right or you believed is right. The most important person here is you and you have confessed your sins to God. God has forgiven you because what he wants from sinners is a contrite spirit. You took the right decision. Your mum is hurting too, maybe because she feels guilty that she wasn’t there for you and this is her own way of dealing with it. You are a woman of destiny and a princess of the most High God. Even though you don’t know me I am proud to know you through this blog. May God continue to bless and keep you. Stay strong.

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 3:48 pm

      Thanks Moyo..your comment made. Me smile…

  15. mek

    June 30, 2016 at 8:51 am

    One thing I love about having a relationship with God is that the more honest you are with Him, the more He corrects you and teaches you His will. I grew up in a conservative Christian household and always looked down on the girls on my street who got pregnant and had kids. Twas like: See these unserious girls. All they do is get pregnant. Meanwhile, I was just a churchgoer o, wasn’t saved. When I got saved, I had to get off that high horse and quickly too! What right did I have to look down on them? Did I know what they were going through? In God’s eyes, their fornicating was no less a sin than my lying or unforgiving spirit. All are sinners till saved by grace. “Only the Lamb is pure”. I thank God for His mercy. He refines us to make us His sons indeed. Now, when gists around me are about what so and so did wrong and all that, people close to me are surprised when I do not join in castigating the person(s). May God open our eyes.

  16. Jamce

    June 30, 2016 at 8:52 am

    This is the true love of God through Jesus Christ. It is the desire of God that all should come to repentance. 1 John 1:7-9
    “But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
    If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

    The difference between this child of God and the LGBT group is that this child of God has in humility admitted her action to be a sin, confessed and repented. The blood of Jesus will automatically do its work of atonement and cleansing. The LGBT group have arrogantly refused to admit their abomination and refused to repent even claiming that God’s word is “outdated”. This is blasphemy that the LGBT and their supporters can never understand. So their understanding of the love of God is to pamper sin. God doesn’t not pamper sin, He calls us to repentance. This is the message of love.

    • FasholasLover

      June 30, 2016 at 2:11 pm

      @Jamce, Christians like you tire me out. Why don’t you keep thanking God for his love and mercy over all sinners inspite of our iniquities and let him fight his battles? Is he no longer God that you a mere mortal should fight his battles? You seek redemption and let God be judge over us all.

    • A

      June 30, 2016 at 2:22 pm

      Instead of using the lgbtq group as an example, use yourself. “The difference between Frances and judgemental people like YOU”. Guess what, judging and looking down on others is equally a sin. You’re not God and you’ll NEVER be more in His eyes than His other children, gay or not. Seeing as you don’t know that, it tells the kind of Christian you are

  17. nwanyi na aga aga

    June 30, 2016 at 9:08 am

    Dear Francess You are brave! I applaud your bravery!!. Thank you for taking your time and educating our young ones on the right path. May God continue to uphold you.

  18. Jamce

    June 30, 2016 at 9:11 am

    Bravo to this daughter of Zion. “There is theref

    Romans 8:1-2
    “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, WHO DO NOT WALK ACCORDING TO THE FLESH, BUT ACCORDING TO THE SPIRIT. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.” This child of God has humility admitted that her actions are sinful, confessed and repented.
    1 John 1:7-9
    “But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
    If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

    This is God’s message of love. For us sinners to turn away from sin. Having repented, the blood of Jesus will automatically do its spiritual work of atonement and cleansing which manifested in her soul in newness of life.

    Compared to the LGBT groups, they have refused to admit and repent of their error. They arrogantly choose to blaspheme and reject the word of God as outdated, but selectively choose to claim the love of God. This is a clear misunderstanding of the love of God. The love of God is a call to repentance from sin unto righteousness. The love of God does not pamper sin, but calls the sinner to repentance through Jesus Christ. Shalom

  19. Amo

    June 30, 2016 at 9:18 am

    Frances, thank you for this article, it just reopened old wounds, i’ve had one evacuation in my life and have been pregnant just once, I was a 22 year old dating someone who i actually thought we would spend the rest of our lives together, but when i got pregnant, i panicked and deep inside me i was convinced i wasn’t ready, so i opted for a termination, only person i could tell was my father (we are incredibly close) and of course the would be father who was angry, cursed me that i killed his child. I was sorry, begged for forgiveness and tried to explaiN that i wasn’t ready but eventually i wouldn’t say it was a good decision, but i heaved a sigh if relief when i found out, the man who was angry, cursed me for having a termination was a married man with 2 kids who reside abroad. I ended that relationship, moved on and abstained from sex till i was ready. I’ve had sexual relationships after that but it still haunts me because i felt guilty, dirty and ashamed. I’ve stayed off sex for about 2 years now hoping i meet someone who has the same focus as i do and want the same things and of course would love me for me, including my past.

    • we stand

      June 30, 2016 at 1:19 pm

      it is rare to find a man who will hold on to no sex before marriage this world and sexuality smh its only God that can provide such a man that respects God’s law

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 3:25 pm

      Hi Amo……

      I can share what helped me leave the past I regards to your story,. I first of all had to know that I had someone who accepts me already, my warts and all… Jesus my first husband loves me wholeheartedly with no condemnation in His heart for me. Once I believed that truth then I knew that Jesus’ man for me would love me exactly the same way, no less, so I had and still have no worries. I am a gift to any man who God brings as my husband and Jesus’ man for me would know that.

      So I would say don’t look too far onto worrying about the man yet, try and get your relationship with Jesus right first, believing and understanding just how He sees yo and yooou will have enough issues with wondering or working about a future guy

  20. idomagirl

    June 30, 2016 at 9:40 am

    This was a good read. I applaud your bravery, it’s not easy to admit such in this our vitriolic, judgemental society.
    ???

  21. Just in shock

    June 30, 2016 at 10:01 am

    I know this is not directly related to the topic although it has to do with keeping secrets, but I really just need to talk.

    My friend called me last night to tell me she just found out her bf is married. They have been together since 2012 meanwhile dude got married in 2014. I met her at a training course and we became friends because her bf was Nigerian (she is a white girl). Though I never met him, I was not comfortable with their relationship because it was so off and on, they broke up a number of times but made up again. His wife is a Nigerian girl he claimed was his cousin. I can’t comprehend why he tagged her along for 4 good years!! I know he wasn’t with her for papers because they are both citizens and both have good jobs (they worked in the same company at a point). I just have a very healthy fear for some Nigerian guys now. I know it’s not all but yet fear catch me….

  22. Anony

    June 30, 2016 at 10:06 am

    Hi Frances,
    Hopefully you will read this message. My story is eerily similar to yours, but I still live a verrry confused life. I have known the Lord since I was little, but the thing is that I keep messing up and hurting Him again and again. I need a turn around, I want to find the joy of my salvation again. I feel so detached from God and His purpose for me. God’s people here pls help me!

    • O'Kel

      June 30, 2016 at 10:26 am

      He loves you, and nothing you ever do will change that. But you must believe He has forgiven you (when you ask) and then forgive yourself also. Then ask the Holy Spirit to help you let go of your old ways. You must know that it is possible to live a holy life. I know about messing up again and again, trust me…you need to know and understand what you’re worth to God first, then you’d be able to make choices and decisions that embody that knowledge. You’d be able to look sin/compromise in the face and say “gerrarahere meeen!”
      We are all cockroaches, trying to get cleaned up. Don’t believe it’s impossible. Because it is possible.

    • "changing moniker"

      June 30, 2016 at 10:50 am

      God’s mercy abounds. Ask Him to help you and you will. Pls don’t condemn yourself, you’re precious to God and he understands your struggle. Just ask Him to guide you, and he will.

  23. Call Me Gorgeous...

    June 30, 2016 at 10:42 am

    Very fantastic write up…
    Our Lord is indeed very merciful and full of Grace..
    Lord give us the strength to always do your Will…
    Amen!

  24. Tisha Smith

    June 30, 2016 at 11:58 am

    I got raped in college
    I went to a judgmental church who tried to use the information against me when I left.

    I threw caution to the wind and left the church because God asked me to. No progress there, it will all be pretend. The new church is proving to be Pharisees but God won’t let me be. He has an assignment and I won’t fulfil it pretending or hanging with the wrong crowd.

    My pain came with an anointing from God. I hid the fact that I was anointed for a long time because people Hallow you instead of God and font care about you but what they can get from you. I have few close friends and I need to know that the man I marry won’t monetise me or marry me for what he can gain.

    I refused to marry or be a Pastor. The Hagins, Copelands etc are brothers and sisters and still anointed.

    What am I saying? Some Christians will be nasty because they are jealous or covetous. It doesn’t matter. Do what God says, the right man will meet you doing the Lord’s will.

    You will marry, Frances. A man who supports your vision, not just in words but in deed, truth and actions.

    Love you. God bless you.

    I never had an abortion. What would I have done had i gotten pregnant. There was no penetration but there were struggles because of this stupid rape culture.

    I am Mel so I thought I was the only girl in the whole world to be raped, the church I was attending let me feel that way without correcting me, they even used it to manipulate me.

    Still so naive!

    Cheers anyway

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 3:13 pm

      I pray Good surrounds you with looooving people who understand, accept you and sees you as Good sees yo Tisha, as His very special bride.

      And yes oh, amen to you prayers on my man, I have promises from God on my marriage and husband even, shey you will attend my wedding when it comes? 🙂

  25. Tisha Smith

    June 30, 2016 at 12:00 pm

    Of course I will marry.

    But I won’t Marry a Pastor. I will marry a man who has encountered God.

    I can’t pretend abeg. My life is too important to get with someone who isn’t sold out to Jesus.

  26. Tisha Smith

    June 30, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    Frances, do follow up on this article. Send a mail to every one on this thread and plan a meeting.

    We need to help ourselves. The culture is disgusting.

    I had a college pastor who got me on the right track. I can recommend ministers who won’t judge and be discreet. Ministers who judge destroy the work God wants to do. Their character won’t let them do the work because there’s no value for the souls but you can speak and I can pray. God hears me when I pray and I can use this to glorify Him and truly win souls instead of the acting that goes on in some churches where people hide behind masks because they are not safe with some brethren.

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 3:09 pm

      Hey Tisha..
      Hmm great idea on panning a meeting, but the only meetings I currently do are seminars for youths and then our ladies group called ‘the women at the well’ we meet in Lagos and d next meet is this coming July…. Details are on my blog

      As much as some persons who can’t offer comfort and understanding are I’m churches, th at God we also have those who understand, can pray with you and love you to wellness.. I know some too.. Th at God for them

    • Frances

      January 6, 2020 at 8:40 am

      I don’t know if you are readin this but three years later and I am actually going to be doing a meeting for healing for women who have committed past abortions soon. Wondering how to reach every woman here as I read through these comments again

  27. Utchay

    June 30, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    Thank you Frances for this. I ve had the same experience and although I know God is merciful and have forgiven me. Sometimes i cant seem to help feeling bad, dirty like I don’t deserve to be happy. I think sometimes too it affects my relationship. But I keep striving and struggling and hoping one day I will have up and forgive myself truly. Sure hope it wont be late.

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 2:57 pm

      Hi Utchay,
      I struggled with guilt for years too, even after becoming born again, till 2014 when I went to a meeting that I believe was specifically meant for me.
      There the pastor suddenly started talking about abortion and I laid it all Bare before God, all my guitt and pain and remorse….. I can’t explain it but when I laid Bare in sincerity before God, He took it All away. I finally believed that I was forgiven, the weight rolled off my shoulders….
      I have never picked it back up since that day…

      I am not certain if you are a Christian but life in Christ was what worked for me. I pulled off the facade and simply let God see my scars and let Him work on them.
      Take the guilt and go to God, lay Bare in sincerity and ask for forgiveness and let His Word that you are a new creature come alive in you, not as mere words but as truth.

  28. Eni

    June 30, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    I’m always amazed at the women on this blog. One minute you’re condemning and the next you’re sympathizing. Everybody is now identifying with the writer and quoting Bible passages that speak of forgiveness. Most of you are applauding the writer for sharing her story and saying it’ll help others in the same situation to ease their guilt.
    Yet, you are still the same ones to condemn a single mother and call her names. You’re the ones who said BN is promoting the babymama trend and fornication. Many spoke about condoms, morning after pills and so on. Funny how no one has mentioned all those here.
    One person had sex, got pregnant and had her baby, another had sex, got pregnant twice and committed abortion twice. Guess who people are sympathizing with? Not the obvious.
    Is it because she said she’s now a christian? Hmmmm, women and hypocrisy!!! Where are all those who were condemning and given sex education on the single mother post? Suddenly, you all just realized it’s in the past and it’s forgiven. Smh
    Hypocrisy at its peak!
    Bella, if you like don’t post. It won’t be the first time you don’t post opinions contrary to what you expect.
    Je m’en vais. J’ai assez parlé. A plus!

    • Blessmyheart

      June 30, 2016 at 3:47 pm

      I rarely comment on BN so I won’t classify myself with the so-called judgmental people on BN. The difference for me however, is acknowledging where you went wrong and repenting, that is, stop it. Some people fail with the first, like the last single mother that shared her story recently. She glossed over her irresponsibility which is dangerous because the young ones are supposed to learn from her mistakes. Others fail at the second, they keep doing the same thing and shouting, “please don’t judge me”. It’s no longer a mistake when you make a habit of it. Also, when you become a Christian, a true Christian that is, your past is forgiven and you’re given a new and clean slate.

    • Eni

      June 30, 2016 at 5:37 pm

      Who made a habit? The one who got pregnant once and had her baby or the one who got pregnant twice and aborted both times. Did you read somewhere that the single mum got pregnant again or even that she hasn’t repented? She spoke about her recklessness in getting pregnant once. And she learnt her lesson yet she’s the one who has a habit. Just the hypocrisy I was referring to. What’s good for the goose should be good for the gander

    • Eni

      June 30, 2016 at 5:45 pm

      And by the way, you think young ones won’t read this and say “oh, I can have an abortion and ask for forgiveness/repent afterwards”?

    • Bio

      June 30, 2016 at 5:40 pm

      Face your front. Let every one account for their deeds on the last day.

    • Bio

      June 30, 2016 at 5:44 pm

      @Eni my comment is for you.
      Thank @Blessmy heart

    • tunmi

      June 30, 2016 at 7:01 pm

      Thank you. It’s funny.

      I’m all for women making their own decisions. So far these comments aren’t too extreme in that I see personal responsibility, accountability, and owning one’s decisions inclusive of their faith. Basically, it’s not all bible passages. But I definitely see the hypocrisy.

      But we can’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Frances is doing some good work here. It’s therapeutic

  29. Frances Okoro

    June 30, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    Amen and amen. Thanks Nwanyi

  30. Tobby

    June 30, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    I am happy that God isn’t man
    He doesn’t judge outrightly
    A broken and a fragile heart he repairs. Thank God for you @Frances
    And thank God for your bravery

    Now let me ask a question….
    What would be your advice to a lady who’s currently in this same predicament
    The only difference is that
    Her own uncle drugged and raped her
    Now she’s pregnant
    She doesn’t know what to do but of course abortion is the quickest way so she can just shove all this issue out
    Now her uncle knows she’s pregnant and has been begging her to abort it.
    She’s hurt. Her sis knows she’s pregnant too
    and also wants her to go for D&C
    Of course the belle no be Wetin she want.

    • tunmi

      June 30, 2016 at 6:59 pm

      It has to be her decision, free from pressure and judgment. Some women do go one to birth children from rape. I don’t think I could. But that is my decision. So it HAS to be her decision.

    • Frances Okoro

      June 30, 2016 at 11:21 pm

      Hi Tobby,

      I pray for words for your friend, I can only imagine how hurt she is…
      BUT abortion isn’t really the answer, Being that it would only add to her trauma, the guilt isn’t something that I would wish on someone, It kills something even inside you, it takes God to take away the pain and guilt and regrets… if i knew what I knew now, I wouldn’t have gone down that path but it all culminates in my story today and I am certain nothing different would do for my life…

      But she has her story she can write right now… of course its simple for her uncle to say ‘just abort it”, he wont lay awake at night thinking of the blood on his hands, she will.
      I know this is hard but please, let her keep the baby… regardless of how the baby came, God still has a plan for that baby’s life and i believe that joy would stream in at the end of the tunnel.

      I read Francine Rivers book “atonement child” and it was a powerful reminder to me of what babies are in God’s sight.

      I pray she makes the right decision… and in this, I pray testimonies arise from it, glory to God, light in her life and may she find purpose through her story…

    • Tisha

      July 1, 2016 at 2:45 am

      What does she want to do?

      If everyone votes abortion and she wants to keep the baby, that’s all that matters

    • Tisha

      July 1, 2016 at 2:44 am

      What does want to do?

  31. susan

    June 30, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    Great….what disability if u don’t mind? Would love to share mine with u too

  32. Charles

    July 1, 2016 at 1:34 am

    Welldone Frances… God bless you real good.

  33. Abi

    July 1, 2016 at 4:01 pm

    You will ve very fine…..God’s there for you

  34. Manny

    July 9, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Hmmmm abortion and the Nigerian society. One thing I’ve always found worrisome iis when pastors say “if you’ve ever done an abortion, come out to the altar right now for your deliverance”.

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