#BN2016Epilogues: For ‘Mide it Was a Year of Trying to Conceive but Resolving to Trust God

It’s that time of the year when members of the BellaNaija community come together to bond over shared experiences in the last 12 months. As with the previous editions of this series, we put out a call for you to send us your stories. {Click here if you missed it} To catch up on the first few stories this year, click HERE.

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As 2015 came slowly to an end, I sat in the congregation listening to the Pastor as he asked us to set our goals for the New Year (2016). I looked clueless, because a part of me was scared of the unknown. What if I didn’t make it past mid year? Or lost a loved one or lost my job.  So many things ran through my mind and I decided against writing any goals, but instead to put my trust in God and allow him to order my steps.

I had a few unachieved goals from 2015 and I planned to work on them. No.1 on that list was having a baby! I had been married for 4 years, and my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia. We had seen several specialists and the problem persisted it seemed there was no solution in sight after spending so much. IVF was recommended and that was how my 2016 started.

We registered with a well known fertility clinic and the process commenced. A PESA was advised but unfortunately at the last minute we were told it wasn’t possible because the test results were worse than it was before and nothing could be done. The only options were to either discontinue or use a sperm donor, I was devastated it felt like my whole life came to a halt – after all the injections and emotional stress. My husband was calm outwardly but I could see in his eyes that he was shattered. He agreed to a sperm donor and the journey continued. IVF was a horrible experience for me, it drained me emotionally, physically and spiritually. How could having a baby be so difficult and painful? I cried everyday as I injected myself, the egg retrieval was a nightmare and my husband hated himself for putting me through it.
Eventually, the procedure came to an end and the 14 days wait period seemed like a lifetime. By the 11th day, I started spotting and knew something was wrong then I started bleeding heavily, we went for a PT and the result came out negative. My husband and I held each other and wept without saying a word only the sound of our wailing could be heard.

I went about looking dejected crying at the slightest opportunity, I was inconsolable, stopped praying and going to church because I couldn’t comprehend why God made me to go through all that for nothing.

Everyday was a constant reminder of what I lost until I decided to snap out. I remembered my charge at the beginning of the year – to put my trust in God and went back to the Word, there I stumbled on certain scriptures that were speaking to me.

I resolved to never doubt God and that in His own time He makes everything beautiful.

Photo Credit: Hongqi Zhang (aka Michael Zhang) | Dreamstime.com