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The Nwando: What If I Never Get Married?



‘Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important’ – Chimamanda Adichie

I’m a late 20’s millennial trying to build my brand and focus on living my full life, but the most common question I get is “Nwando, When are you getting married?” as if I had it penned down in my calendar for summer 2018 (please note I’m currently single as a penny).

There is hardly any question of how my brand is growing, or what life is like living in a busy city as an independent woman with no immediate family. No, the need to know when I would find a life partner to give my existence deep meaning seems to be the priority.

I remember an Aunty pulling me to the side and whispering while pulling her ears, ‘Let me tell you, the true definition of a woman is one who is a wife and a mother, life begins when you become a Mrs.‘.

Firstly, I would like to state that to me, the concept of marriage is one that is a blessing, and one that I would love to have. I would consider it a blessing to meet my ‘soulmate’ and have someone to share life with (goodbye awkward Tinder first dates).

Secondly, I would also like to state that I have never viewed marriage as a life aspiration. We were put on this universe for a greater reason than ‘packaging’ to appear appealing to a man, so he would grace us with the honour of proposing.

I’ve always been a believer in differing personal priorities and journeys. I don’t expect everyone to treat marriage as a blessing and not a life goal so this post is for people that do not consider getting married to be a life aspiration or an achievement

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’re lost.” ~ Dalai Lama

When I moved to Lagos, naturally my first priority was to find accommodation and a car for transportation. I remember people telling me to be careful in my house/car selection. Apparently it had to be decent and able to get me from point A to B, but not too flashy so that a man would not be too intimidated or suspect me of living a ‘fast’ life because I’m able to afford certain things. This reminded of the popular Chimamanda quote that says ‘you can have ambition but not too much’.

I refuse to be part of a mentality that pushes the narration of not doing too much so that men can look my way.

I advise you to do ‘too much’ now, tomorrow and always. Start that business you’ve been scared to start; apply for that promotion you know you deserve; leave your comfort zone, and put yourself out there for more opportunities that will lead to growth and success. If along the line, someone tells you to slow down so that a man somewhere out there, can find you ‘desirable’, you ignore them and you strive even harder to be a better version of who you were yesterday. Why would anyone aspire to marry a man that is intimidated by success? How then will you grow after marriage?

I’m fiercely independent; I have great dreams and I believe that anyone can achieve anything they truly put their energy into consistently. I’m also that sucker for love, who loves children with a passion. I strongly believe that at the right time, I’ll meet a man that can match my passion for life and one that will inspire me to even dream deeper and achieve greater. Until then, I focus my energy on self growth.

Don’t get so obsessed with the need to be ‘Mrs. Somebody’ that you miss out on living your full life and being the best version of yourself. What if you never get married? Would you go through life as a shadow of yourself, or would you keep growing from achievement to achievement?

What if you get married to someone that is so scared to see you grow, or is so insecure to have you be successful that he prevents you from being all that you can be? Would the ring be worth it then?

Here are some of the most ridiculous comments I’ve gotten regarding men, relationships and marriage:

  • Maybe if you worked in a normal company instead of doing your own business he would have married you
  • Don’t you know that men don’t like women that travel too much? They’ll think you’ve seen too much
  • Try and reduce your expectations in men so that you can find someone; be more realistic
  • My dear, it’s better to marry a weak man instead of a strong one; at least he won’t beat you
  • Look at you lepa, you even dey single, ring you no get (the most confusing insult I’ve ever gotten)
  • I see you’re always posting Instagram pictures, are you sure it’s not driving men away?
  • Maybe you should not wear heels today, you might scare away men that want to talk to you

This is just to mention a FEW!

In summary, marrying right is better than marrying so that society can finally respect you and give you status. Life shouldn’t be built just to be ‘marriage material’, instead one should strive to build a life that you’re proud of and one that can hopefully leave a legacy long after you’re gone.

What are the most ridiculous comments you’ve gotten regarding settling down? I would love to hear some of your stories.

Love x Light,


Photo Credit: Ammentorp |


  1. curious

    June 27, 2017 at 12:04 pm

    Enough of this stupidity. People don’t pressure people into getting married just because they are females, people pressure people into marriage because in the AFRICAN TRADITION marriage is important! Trust me, the pressure is worst for men. If you don’t get married on time as a woman, there are lots of persons who are at least fair enough to think that the reason you haven’t settled down is because you haven’t found the right man. But for men the judgement is way harsher, people dont even reason, they just conclude; it’s either you are impotent, or have a spiritual problem or you are into rituals, or in the modern world, you must be gay! Your neighbors watch you and whisper behind your back. Your family members think they own your life and make plans to get you a wife. You become the next prayer point. Even the Nigerian Police and other law enforcement agents treat you differently if they see a ring on your hand. The term the African society use is “RESPONSIBLE MAN”. In church you are allowed to be part of important committeess and head relevant departments.

    • Baby gurl

      June 27, 2017 at 12:43 pm

      Hey. We know men are asked when they will marry but they are not pressured. Stop trying to blow the fire that is not ignited. Females start getting pressured once they turn 21. Bless their soul if they were privileged to have finished school by that age. Because to the folks, after school comes nothing but marriage. Before you even start thinking of the dreams you have set out to achieve or the millions you want to make. Heck, we are not even allowed or encouraged to have goals or make millions if not we will “chase the men away”. Men start getting politely “asked” when they are 35 and above and seem not to be bringing any woman home. Fact.

    • A Real Nigerian

      June 27, 2017 at 1:09 pm

      The top comment on an article addressing female issues is coming from some idiot trying to derail the attention and make it about men.
      You people will do everything in your power to trivialize serious challenges facing women, so you can continue to suppress them and invalidate their struggles.
      We see right through your patriarchal bulls%#t.

    • curious

      June 27, 2017 at 1:42 pm

      @babygurl….all these other women who made something out of their lives..became professors, entrepreneurs and broke barriers fell from heaven shey? Well everybody has their own personal experience and I can’t speak for you. But where I come from women are strong, women have dreams and pursue them. If they chose to get married along the line it’s strictly a choice they made and not because people forced. I do not dispute the fact that in some families things could be that way. But please don’t generalise. And besides As a guy I have been offered a girl’s hand in marriage too….she was soppose to help me travel out of the country! Initially when it was suggested by my aunt in London…I thought it was a joke….until my mum’s friend brought it up again….?…well I am still in Naija doing my thing by myself. And that was a choice I made.


      June 27, 2017 at 5:43 pm


  2. Spunky

    June 27, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    Phew!! Another one.


    June 27, 2017 at 12:12 pm

    What i will say is that is not easy being a woman though….

  4. Ada

    June 27, 2017 at 12:19 pm

    If you don’t marry, choose to live a fulfilled life, pursue your dreams and be a blessing to those around you.

  5. Baby gurl

    June 27, 2017 at 12:27 pm

    I am only 25. My mother tried to match-make me with the son of her childhood friend who lives in the US. He is dull AF. Not funny. Not sensitive or thoughtful. And oh so ambition-less. I don’t know if he expected me to shake like a jellyfish at the slightest “hello” from him because he lives in obodo oyibo. He does not call. Prefers to whatsapp. Another big F. My mother does not understand the fact that my aim now is to build my business/career and thoroughly heal from years of deep depression and social withdrawal. That’s my ultimate goal. I hardly ever dream of my wedding. I don’t have a dream wedding panned out like my mates. Of course I would love to get married and have three or six children (don’t ask me lol), but for now it’s me time. I can’t even phantom the thought of entering a relationship with my current financial and psychological status, not to talk of getting married. It won’t happen. She went as far as getting my fave uncle to talk to me. The man made matters worse by telling me to “grab anyone” I see. I was shocked. I could not believe it. They don’t even care that I am not where I want to be right now. Everything is marriage marriage marriage. I don’t get it. Did God bring me to earth to get married and die? And the funny thing is that my mother’s marriage to my dad is shit. Emotional and psychological abuse from her husband for three decades. And she thinks I should/will not look before I leap? Hmmm. This is crazy. I can’t even shout anymore. When they talk now, I just smile and node my head like an agama lizard. Then I go on to contact my suppliers, clients and update my LinkedIn profile while at it. I’m also looking for a retreat to attend for like 2 weeks to a month. Any retreats in Nigeria? I’ve been thinking SA.

    • A Real Nigerian

      June 27, 2017 at 12:49 pm

      Be strong and keep on going girl.
      Don’t let anyone ruin your life for you all in the name of marriage.

    • Just helping...

      June 27, 2017 at 1:28 pm

      Babygurl I think the word you’re looking for is ‘Fathom’ and not ‘Phantom’. I noticed you used the same word in another comment so it may not be a typo.

      Fathom – ‘understand (a difficult problem or an enigmatic person) after much thought’
      Phantom – ‘a ghost; a figment of the imagination’

      No shade here. Just thought to point it out as it might be an honest mistake.

    • Dove

      June 27, 2017 at 1:59 pm

      Girl, story of my life. Though I am not being pressured to get married. But at this stage in my life battling with depression and social awkwardness, I can’t even date anyone. Sometimes, I think about my parents marriage and I am like is it even worth it? Focus on myself, heal, stability that’s my priority.

  6. MrsO

    June 27, 2017 at 12:55 pm

    Please enough of this ladies.. Nobody pressures you to get married more than yourself! you see all your friends getting married, posting pictures on social media and you get that clench in your chest – yeah that feeling of envy. You lay down every night in your bed and wish you had a man to hold you tight, especially on those rainy days 😉 You go to work each day and come back to an empty house and realise that there’s more to life than a 9-5.
    Search your heart and see – it is not society pressuring you. IT IS YOU!

    • Benny

      June 27, 2017 at 1:12 pm

      My friend Shut up! If that is what pressured you, it is not what is pressuring others. Imagine the description even to clenching chest. ????

    • A Real Nigerian

      June 27, 2017 at 1:14 pm

      “Nobody pressures you to get married more than yourself! you see all your friends getting married, posting pictures on social media and you get that clench in your chest – yeah that feeling of envy.”

      Ever thought that maybe this is because the women in question have been groomed right from childhood to believe marriage is all there is to life and happiness? It’s all part of the pressure.

    • I

      June 27, 2017 at 1:19 pm

      I was waiting for someone who thinks everyone is jealous of her marriage to make a comment. I guess that’s what you thought of your friends while single. Hope you’re happy now sha.

    • slice

      June 27, 2017 at 1:22 pm

      Coming home to an empty house is one of the perks of being single.

    • crystaldrop

      June 27, 2017 at 6:02 pm

      MrsO….pls calm ur BP okay.marriage is a sh*tload of not everyday you have time for clenching to whatever.there are days you long for the single life…except u r not being honest with yourself.

    • Young and free

      June 27, 2017 at 7:09 pm

      How many married women are held tight each night or even on a rainy night?
      Akiko ndi iberibe.
      Anako na oku gbalu fada…

    • Mizz B

      June 27, 2017 at 11:43 pm

      Clench chest kwa???? Very funny, please speak for yourself and not for others. In my opinion , marriage is overrated in these parts. At the end of the day it won’t be about who and when you married, but more of what you did with the life that was given to you. Thank you

  7. Mummybobo

    June 27, 2017 at 1:20 pm

    Marrying a weak man instead of a strong man atleast he won’t beat you,,(aaaah I laugh in Jamaica) there’s something that is called single bone in a man, it has nothing to do with physical appearance, you won’t know until fight bust.
    When I was 25yr, I saved some money and I wanted to buy a small car (small car ooo) my mum and friends adviced me against it that it will chase men away ( they’ll think it’s a sugar daddy that bought it for me), my own hard earned money ooo. In fact i’ve said it if there’s anything like next life eeeh either I become a man or I shall be born and bled in OBODO NDE OCHA, not Nigeria. AME.

  8. 40+

    June 27, 2017 at 1:23 pm

    Dear Nando,

    I hear you loud and clear. I can almost even say that I agree with you. Well, almost…

    I am over 40 now and unmarried. Partly because I believed like you that I could pursue my dreams to the fullest, build a life that I am proud of etc.…

    I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think living my life to the fullest should have cost me a chance to have been married and a chance to have had some kids. It should not have.

    Yes, I lived (and still live) my life to the fullest. The men (I would have liked to marry) didn’t ask for my hand in marriage and so being as “single as a penny” went on…and on…..and on… until I changed my status from being “single by default” to being “single by choice”.

    Those “ridiculous comments”, as you call them, are partly true. You ask “why would anyone aspire to marry a man that is intimidated by success?” The 40 year old me does not answer such questions as quickly as my 20 year old self would have. I am older now, and wiser.

    I have come to learn that building “a life that you’re proud of and one that can hopefully leave a legacy long after you’re gone” means different things to different people. For many women, such a life would be meaningless without a husband and kids (without a home of their own). And there’s nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    There’s nothing wrong if they choose to take “ridiculous statements” seriously so they can have a chance at marriage while they are still young and have “marriageable” toasters. There’s nothing wrong if they sacrifice a dream or two in their 20s so they can have a chance at being someone’s wife while they are still in the prime of their reproductive years (which coincidentally is when men usually want to date you the most. If you think dating in your 20s is hard, wait a few more years…). By the way, who says you still cannot catch up on sacrificed dreams later in life?

    There’s also nothing wrong with going solo, even if it means being unmarried for the rest of your life…. But think it through carefully and be sure that is what you really want. Be sure you would be able to cope with being unmarried and childless 15 or 20 years from now. I have learnt from experience that some women cope with being unmarried later in life better than others.

    For some ladies, being unmarried and unattached into their later years is a blessing. They enjoy the liberties and freedoms that being unmarried and childless brings. The absence of responsibilities and obligations. The chance to be who they want to be and do all the things they want to do, no holding back. Like birds, they spread their wings and fly.

    For others, the story is different. Very different. They feel cursed, abandoned, rejected. They struggle to find a meaning and purpose for their loves and in the end wallow in self-pity, anger and resentment. Many factors are responsible for these different responses: one’s personality, background, emotional strength, temperament, etc.; one’s ability to live alone and enjoy one’s own company, etc, etc.

    In summary, before condemning those statements as “ridiculous”, think things through carefully as pertains your own life. As Socrates wisely once said: “Know thyself”. Will a lifetime of being unmarried, should that happen, be for you a blessing or a curse. If it would be a blessing, best wishes. Continue to live on your own terms and enjoy every bit of it. BUT, if it would (by any chance) be a curse or an issue that would eventually result in self-pity, anger and resentment, please take those “ridiculous statements” very seriously. Very very seriously.

    • Bio

      July 3, 2017 at 11:31 am

      I really love your matured mind. we all grow wiser right!! thanks for the insight and i totally agree.

  9. wynie

    June 27, 2017 at 1:42 pm

    I remember sometime last year… I and my family had an event to attend and my brother told me to take off my heels and wear a flat. Why? He said a man won’t bother coming to me because my height is intimidating! I have seen it all,heard it all. From not dressing too attractive to not carrying expensive bags to not being too ambitious. I have even been told that I have the heart of a man (strong) and it is wrong. If you are single…. enjoy every moment of it. Love will find you and if it doesn’t,…Love yourself better.

  10. tunmi

    June 27, 2017 at 1:45 pm

    The men should write their own. Seriously, write yours in and let’s start and continue this discussion.

    At this rate, we all will need therapy. Which is a good thing.

  11. chiesonu

    June 27, 2017 at 2:08 pm

    I am one to speak my mind, I’ve had one of my friends mom say I am too opinionated and men don’t like it. I’ve had a friend tell me the reason why men are afraid of settling with me is because I expect in return what I give. It is tiring this marriage pressure from everywhere.

  12. Ngozi

    June 27, 2017 at 2:20 pm

    All my life,I have always wished my parents were divorced or at least separated.watching my mother being beaten by my father each day and then coming out to pretend that all is well,is enough for me to dispise marriage….they even do give advice to young couples.
    I am 29 and each time I get that question;”when are you getting married” from my mother,I wonder while women cannot tell themselves the truth.

  13. June

    June 27, 2017 at 2:22 pm

    Hmm… marriage , marriage our favorite topic!?

  14. Truth

    June 27, 2017 at 3:29 pm

    Forget that african pressure thing abeg….Truth is every woman just want that one special man. to slack her ponyor!

    • Ngozi

      June 27, 2017 at 8:34 pm

      @Truth, that is not true.Like I said above,I am 29 years old and I don’t want to get married.
      …..and you could still have your “one special man” without marriage.

  15. Truth-be-told

    June 27, 2017 at 3:34 pm

    Not really June. It is just the reality of the situation of things today. And we wonder why there are so many cases of domestic violence. This right here is one of the reasons why. Women marry just to satisfy society and family then end up with the wrong one.

  16. 40+

    June 27, 2017 at 4:00 pm

    BN, are you trying to reach me by e-mail?

    I noticed my comment has not been posted yet.

    You have my persmisison to use it as a seperate article if you want to.

  17. oloye1

    June 27, 2017 at 4:55 pm

    emn…that is Nigerian mentality…your greatest life achievement is to marry and born..abi procreate..silly black mentality..why wouldn’t they make it an issue..abi..sebi that is what they know there is to life

  18. oloye1

    June 27, 2017 at 4:59 pm

    we still dey born born but never thought of adequate plans to cover…look at the state of the country now..its the result of our mundane thinking..rather than extol issues very pertinent to life itself..its the crass primordial ideas we extol…its too late though cos I know nothing is changing yet..

  19. Mummybobo

    June 27, 2017 at 6:17 pm

    BN have swallowed my comments ooo. I command you to release it oooo. Ole

  20. Ms

    June 27, 2017 at 7:28 pm

    I had said something similar to someone and I was only being realistic, what if I do not marry? This person acted like I was placing a curse on myself and needed deliverance but again I was only being realistic taking into consideration so many things. And it did hurt to say that because I really would love to be married and have a family but what should one do if its not forthcoming?
    I also have heard ridiculous things from guys and family, a guy I was having a conversation with at wedding said to me “I cannot date you, you are too smart”. A friend came to my family home and said ah if this is the car you are driving nobody will marry you. What is it about the car? I did not even buy the car. The worse is the request to lower one’s expectations, at what cost? My peace of mind, sanity and happiness?

  21. BijouxthisBijouxthat

    June 27, 2017 at 7:33 pm

    Hi people, I need an honest opinion on anyone who purchased Micah’s meals.
    Is it affordable? Did you get your money’s worth?
    MS moderator of comments please post my comment because I want to know!

    • The real dee

      June 28, 2017 at 4:17 am

      I have Micah’s meals and it’s a good book if you’re just starting out solids for your 6 month old. But I feel like she got most of her information online so if you do a simple google search, you’ll find all the information you need free of charge. I also found misinformation in it but I wont blame her for that as she aleady issued a disclaimer at the beginning. Some of the food suggestions can be unrealistic as well except you eat them or can find them easily e.g courgette, parsnip, butternut squash etc.

      If you don’t dont have the time to do your own google search and you don’t have any experienced moms around you, you can get the book. However, the best advice I got from my pediatrician was give your baby whatever you eat, just avoid eggs and cow milk and wait three days before you introduce a new food to test for any negative reactions.
      Of course you have to puree the food and then move to mashing until he can chew. When you feed your child what you eat, it helps you eat healthy and also saves you the stress of grooming a picky eater.

      After 8 months, you won’t even need any recipe book if you’ve trained your child’s taste buds to accept any (healthy) food.

  22. fancynancy

    June 27, 2017 at 11:34 pm

    Bia nne take it up with your immediate family !!! this topic has been overflogged. It is not an African thing , it is a natural thing. Getting married is the natural progression of life. So yes once we get to a certain age those questions will be asked. If it upsets you , take it up with God.

  23. Eagleeye

    June 28, 2017 at 12:41 am

    Wouldn’t it be soo much fun when we all get married, and realise how boring this topic is?!
    And remember that theres actual real responsibilities and real shit in this real world 🙂

  24. esta

    June 28, 2017 at 12:56 am

    32 going on 33..don’t even have a boyfriend.. Do I get lonely?yeah sometimes but I’ll live.I avoid family functions even my moms calls cos at the end of each call comes that dreaded question.I don’t bother discussing any important milestone attained to my folks ..they really don’t care about that ,all they want is for me to be settled in with a man..what irks me the most is they just want a man for me any man at all just marry anyone you can find..its just so annoying.

    • nkay

      June 28, 2017 at 8:35 am

      Same here, same age. It’s been difficult trying to get everyone to leave me the hell alone until a man comes. All my siblings are married and its just myself left, I’m trying to grow my business, create and add value to the society before the man comes. Just ended a relationship with a manipulative guy that thinks about himself alone. God forbid I settle for anyone because of marriage. My dad abused my mom in every possible way that I’m trying to avoid that by being careful and prayerful about who to marry.

      Imagine bringing up kids in a war zone? I cannot be pressured into settling because the society says so. I don’t care what they say, if they are worried, let them pray for me.

  25. Fabulous

    June 28, 2017 at 9:03 am

    Someone once asked me if I was possessed that’s why I’m still single.

  26. africhic

    June 28, 2017 at 10:41 am

    I’m 42 years old. My father only mentioned my “problem”‘ once and i immediately let him know that my singleness wasn’t a problem. I have hardly had any close family member treat me like i have a plaque. So i don’t understand the pressure from others people talk about. I would like to get married now though. But i have never let anyone put me under any pressure. I have lived alone since i was 24 so maybe that’s why……

  27. Zida

    June 28, 2017 at 11:19 am

    The worst I’ve heard recently was from my mother saying to me “Maybe you are the problem and not the men you meet” you should check yourself and change your character maybe that’s what drives men away. Hello?!!! I can’t be that bad. Lol

  28. yummymummycumchick

    June 28, 2017 at 2:28 pm


  29. yummymummycumchick

    June 28, 2017 at 2:29 pm


  30. 3ples

    June 28, 2017 at 4:25 pm

    I’m approaching 35 and the thought of being introduced as “wife” makes me cringe….Lol… My mom and sis have asked me if I’m gay. Some prophet said I need marriage deliverance… Hilarious much.

  31. Nicole

    June 28, 2017 at 6:33 pm

    Haha… 26 here, two Masters and in the final year of my PhD… and not married, not even thinking about it. I don’t live in Nigeria sha…and not in a Black-dominated area, so the pressure is very far from me…LOL

  32. BijouxthisBijouxthat

    June 28, 2017 at 10:44 pm

    Hello Real Dee, thanks a lot for your candid feedback. Very grateful. Too bad I couldn’t reply directly under it, BN did not give me that option.
    Lots of love to you

  33. BijouxthisBijouxthat

    June 28, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    Anyway why avoid eggs? I thought it a very good source of protein? And the cow milk?

    • The real dee

      June 29, 2017 at 5:25 am

      You’re welcome. My child’s pediatrician is an old school baba and he said research about what babies can eat keeps changing so it’s not so much of a big deal.
      But he specifically said there’s something about egg whites or yolk, not sure which one now, being unhealthy for babies less than 12 months old. I can’t really remember why. And then for cow milk, I read that online. It has to with their digestive system not being mature enough for that kind of milk.

      P.S I didn’t have an answer to your question on the price of the Book because I got it as a gift.

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