Mfonobong Inyang: When Fools Fall In Love (II)

A lot of things happened since the last essay, which inadvertently gave me more material to develop. It must be said that I’m no relationship expert, and most of my submissions are subjective and common-sense positions. This pretext is important because it’s often said that the first casualty of love is critical thinking, so it takes someone who is very self-aware to evaluate any situation he or she is in and make the necessary changes.

We Die Here, Literally

One of the reddest flags, if such a word were to exist, is to have a partner who has an inordinate obsession with you. Many people will disagree with me because initially, the attention feels great; after all, everyone wants a lover who enjoys spending time with them. Here is where it gets dark: after a while, the same person who dotes on you will morph into a controller-in-chief. Such people will systematically cut you off from every important person in your life, you will find yourself suffering in silence but defending their reprehensible actions in public, and you will eventually be groomed to see those offering you a different perspective as haters of your happiness. Here is the really sad part: in extreme cases, such people are psychopaths – they become very violent whenever it seems you are escaping their grip. That is why most intimate partner homicide happens at the point the other party decides to leave; their thinking for this action is simple – if I can’t have you, nobody else will.

Residuals

I’m not naïve; I know that life happens, and sometimes when the preferred is not available, the available becomes the preferred. However, when you eventually choose who becomes your lover, you have to treat that person as though he or she is the best thing since sliced bread. There’s this thing some people do, and quite frankly, it rubs me the wrong way. You will hear stuff like, “my wife was not my spec, but here we are today happily married”. Such a statement may be actually true; however, it’s giving, I-settled-for-you energy. I believe whoever came before your lover should not always be a recurring theme. I personally don’t want to be with anyone who never misses any chance to remind me that I am a rebound. If your mind is stuck with person A, you have no business entering into a relationship with person B. As innocuous as this sounds, those subtle comparisons will ultimately crash such relationships.

Choose Your Spec!

As a sequel to the last point, I think the world would be a much better place if people were more honest about the traits they want in a partner. As a lady, if you want a rich man, go for him. No enter relationship with a person wey no too guiding, otherwise you go dey broke-shame am. It would also lead to unhealthy comparisons, and this may pressure him into doing stuff. If you want a tall, dark and handsome man, don’t apologise for your taste, but don’t date Zacchaeus, expect him to play basketball with you. As a guy, if you see babe wey get doings and your hand no reach, comot your eyes. Otherwise, you will find yourself constantly accusing her of being materialistic. Some guys like orobo but dem go dey form say na lepa be their spec. If you ask them to be truthful, you will find out that they don’t joke with gluteus maximus. These men are adherents of Newton’s law of universal gravitation; the greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction. Not every man watches the English Premiership, some of them just love the Bundesliga – if you don’t gerrit, forget abourrit. By the way, skinny guys are never beating the allegations about their love for plus-sized women.

Privacy Vs Secrecy

These two concepts are sometimes used interchangeably, but there is a slight difference. Secret relationships are those that almost nobody else besides the two people involved is aware of, while private relationships are those where third parties are informed on a need-to-know basis. This distinction is very important because, as much as it’s fun to do your thing on code, you should keep certain people in the loop. Like I said in the prologue, one of the first casualties of love is critical thinking. Sometimes you won’t see the red flags in a person until someone else who is aware of the relationship and loves you enough raises an alarm. Love is like a board game; when you are playing it, you hardly see the moves to take, but when you are watching others play, you see ten moves ahead. Sometimes, you may find out that the person who acts very nice to you is a terror to others, so don’t think you’re special. Those who ride on a tiger’s back eventually end up in its stomach.

Bring Back Shame!

I saw one underrated post online where someone said, if you don’t have any family member that is currently embarrassing you on the internet, you don’t know what God has done for you. What monetisation has caused, eh, it’s truly baffling. I get it that the algorithm favours couples who are creating content together, but some things are just overboard, forced and cringeworthy. Why are we seeing your nakedness if you want to do a GRWM video? Is it necessary that you show everything you do with your partner online? We don’t need to see you guys taking a dump together forgossake. Most of what we know about certain relationships is almost against our will because any small thing, one person goes to bring out the ring light. They will put their business out there unnecessarily, but when things go south, they then turn around and tell their online in-laws to respect their privacy at this time. As how nau?

Friends With Other Benefits

When this phrase is used, it almost always implies that sexual favours are being offered by two people who are not romantically linked. My question is this: why are we conditioned not to see beyond this? Doesn’t having $1 million in your bank account sound sexy to you? Do you know that most unicorns were started by friends? Is business advice or collaboration not a benefit of having great friends? Some people have gotten referrals, jobs, support and other types of benefits as little as joining your friend who owns a car to work. If you have a friend who is a nepo baby, won’t you find out how you can offer value to him or her so that your ministry will move to the permanent site? This is just an example of one of the ways we’re being conditioned to miss out on huge possibilities because someone convinced you that the only value you can derive from your bestie is genital meet and greet.

By Yourself, You’re A Queen, but Inside a Relationship, You’re A Nobody

Sis, you gotta admit it, sometimes you’re better off by yourself than being in a relationship with a punk. Some women have lost their identities simply owing to the guy they are moving with. It’s worse when it’s an insecure guy because he will reduce you to the level his fragile ego can take. Many ladies had lofty ambitions, but are now shadows of themselves because the person they are with cannot handle their personal or professional growth. Somebody met you as an air hostess, then a few weeks later, he’s accusing you of cheating and asking you to choose between him and your job. Sounds familiar, right? Na format for control. A lot of such behaviour can be detected early on if you’re attentive because red flags are always hidden in plain sight. One great philosopher puts it this way, “person wey ignore signs go see wonders”. It’s okay to take a break and figure out your headspace before embarking on another romantic adventure; otherwise, your desperation to be in a ship will lead you into the waiting hands of Mr Oversized Ego.

By Yourself, You’re A King, but Inside a Relationship, You’re A Nobody

There is an excerpt of a sound that is trending online. It goes like this, “Man wey refuse to marry, refuse to raise family, you be kpanforku. You no go young forever, bachelor, go and marry your wife oh!” Not gonna lie, the song is hilarious; however, I am not a big fan of generalisation. This is one of the ways men are pressured and conditioned into relationships they later regret. Think about it, why is it that when men get married, only then are they regarded as ‘responsible’? The subtext of that narrative is that whatever you have done with yourself, regardless of how amazing, is nothing because marriage is the crown jewel. The truth is that marriage only amplifies what a man already is or isn’t – a cheater, a fraud, undisciplined or ‘irresponsible’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of marriage, but there is a nuance on why most men don’t start families on time. The obvious is economic; most men are simply not equipped with the financial muscles to shoulder a relationship or marriage. Second, most men would rather develop themselves while looking for Mrs Right than ruin their flow by entering into a relationship with someone who doesn’t match their energy. Let me give you guys some game; most men can fool around for the longest time, but when it’s time to walk down that aisle, they know exactly who they want and perhaps more importantly, who they don’t want to go on that journey with. Clock it.

The Ex-tein Files

You can tell most people don’t believe in themselves; one way you can tell a person doesn’t have a healthy estimation of their future greatness is the anyhowness with which they currently live their lives. I personally don’t understand the hype around recording yourself when you’re being intimate with your partner, maybe it’s due to my training – somewhere in my head is the possibility of that material being weaponised. I think it’s a sexual fetish for most people, but here’s the thing: we live in a world where crazy things happen. What if you break up with your partner and he or she decides to leak that video on the internet? Yes, there are laws against revenge porn, but your business is already out there; those moments you felt you were on cloud nine are now archived on the internet cloud. If you are a high-value target or politically exposed person, do you know your phone could be hacked and the personal information used to blackmail or extort you? I have seen a bizarre case where a phone repairer surreptitiously copied personal files from a customer’s phone and sold the content to porn websites. The dating pool is wild; there are predators, pedos and pervs out there – always looking for how to exploit unsuspecting victims, make you no go loose guard.

On Code

Many people say that it seems broken relationships and bad marriages are becoming the norm, and people who are enjoying their relationships should speak out more, but why should they? First, some of the people who have great relationships are not necessarily popular people. Owing to celebrity worship and stan culture, we think those famous couples are the gold standard. Second, if some people told you the sacrifices they make for their relationships to work, some of you couldn’t handle it. Some people want green grass, but become offended when they find out they have to water it. A woman came online to say that she wakes early to cook for her husband, and some people wanted to eat her alive; they accused her of being a “pick-me”. A man once said that he took care of the home front and did school runs while his wife was studying for another degree. Many people called him a simp. When the student is ready, the teacher will show up.