5 Mistakes Women Make by Ekene Agabu
Posted on Friday, July 10th, 2009 at 8:39 PMBy Enkay
We have heard it from our mothers, our aunts, our mentors, our sisters and a few female friends. But many of us are still left wondering what unbiased perspectives ‘they’ have.
‘They’. MEN.
Hear those wise words from one of them. I have been touched by this article and strongly believe it will strike (at least) a cord with many of you. It’s a long worthwhile read. Brace yourself for what I consider in numerous ways, THE RAW, PLAIN TRUTH from Ekene Agabu.
Cheers,
enkay
_______________________
Before I begin or rather let you into what I have written, I must confess that I had completed this article months ago but was a bit apprehensive in publishing it. I didn’t want to come across as being judgmental and if after reading this you feel judged or put down as a woman, please excuse my unskilled delivery, for that is not my intent. And if you feel that I have crossed the line as a man in sharing these with you, do not hesitate to express your disdain for my impetus.
Having said that, I feel qualified to write this as a man because I stand as an unbiased observer and also one who has had the opportunity to take advantage of these mistakes. But I must confess, we as men have been @$$#*%*$ . Where we should have given, we took; where we should have loved, we lusted and where we should have preserved, we devoured. As a Man, I must call myself to higher standards. Before I touch you, I must respect you like my mother, protect you like my sister and look out for your best interest like my baby – after all, that’s what I call you when I want you! We’ve failed to realize that the significance of our masculinity does not lie in how many girls we can dis-virgin but rather the honor we can bestow upon one. We fail to understand that the purpose of our strength and dominance is to defend and protect not to attack and destroy.
But the first mistake was not yours. You were born into a world that didn’t even give you the chance – the chance to be who you really are without any pressure or expectation. From day one you were unconsciously groomed from childhood to be an acceptable accessory to a man’s life. You were constantly made conscious of a false milestone that suggested your value was based upon a man finding you worthy to be his, instead of being made aware of who you are by virtue of your own unique existence. Your worth as a woman was reduced to two things; being a wife and your ability to bear a child – and in some cultures, you had to bear the right type of child. And if per chance you failed in one of these areas, you were nobody, no one – you were nothing.
Unfortunately, along the way, you may have made some mistakes in trying to fulfill this false notion of who you are supposed to be. Bad relationship after bad relationship continually emphasized the lie that you were nothing without a man. Not only do you sit there as one with mental wounds from childhood, but also with hurts and wounds that are self inflicted as you sincerely tried to fulfill the so called destiny of the woman – being someone’s woman.
As I share this with you, I do not come as one who claims to understand your plight, but rather I stand as one who has heard you. From my mother to my aunts to my cousins and my friends, I have heard you and will continue to listen whenever you speak.
That being said, I do not believe we are responsible for the things that are done or said to us, but I do know that we are responsible for allowing those things continue in us. It’s in this light that I share with you the five common mistakes women make in relationships.
Your Personal Standards! Don’t leave home without them!
By not setting your standard, you’ve just set the standard. The standards I speak of are not standards for the relationship; I speak of your personal standards irrespective of the relationship. What is your life’s moral compass? This could get a bit confusing, so let me explain. Often times, at a certain point in life, people turn to religion for some sort of moral guidance or law. It’s an acknowledgment of some sort that they have made numerous personal mistakes and are in probable search for a turn around. So you might have a young lady who’s been around the block and has now become a Christian, and professes that she will be celibate until she gets married thereby claiming this new belief to be her standard. This is a religious belief that she has now adopted and not a personal standard. Your personal standards are born and realized from within you and become your principles rather than a law. A principle is born out of understanding; an understanding of who you are and why you are here on this earth. If you are roaming the earth like a lost sheep in search of a man to give you relevance, you will always find yourself jumping from relationship to relationship with each one leaving you even more confused than you were in the beginning. But when you understand that you are not here by chance and your presence on this earth has significant relevance, the aura about you changes and the people and things you accept into your life will only be a reflection of your internal essence or your personal standard. A man can cause you to go against a belief because it was never yours in the first place, but he can never sway you away from your principle because you are one with your principle. A lady who lives from her principles takes personal responsibility for her own actions and responses. She takes charge and never leaves her fate to the opinions or actions of men. She doesn’t go on a date with every man that asks her out because she doesn’t need a man – she would want a man but she fully well understands that her worth is solely appraised on who she is and not who she’s with. She would not change her principle to have or keep a man. She’s doesn’t need to sleep with a man to have or keep him. She understands that whatever she can’t get by way of her principles will never be her own. That you are sleeping with a guy does not mean he’s yours. If you had to sleep with him to keep him, he was never yours in the first place. In the absence of your personal standards, you end up trying many things and many people, but you never experience the love that is already within you. Allow that love within to write your standards and begin to live from them. That love will never lead you astray, never ever!
Why are you making excuses for him…again?
I have come to observe that ladies often see the man as the prize. So once it looks like they have him – especially if he appears to be a good one – they want to do everything in their power to keep him. I understand that, but I don’t accept that and neither should you. You are the Prize. We should fight over you and want to do things to get and keep you. We should want to make sure you are ok. A man who loves and respects a woman will never want her in doubt when it comes her knowing of his feelings towards her. When we are crazy about a woman, we are no longer the reserved and non emotional creatures you think we are. We become a mess – drooling internally when we think of you. We would never want you to feel you are on shaky ground concerning your status with us. We will publicly profess and show you to the whole world. We will put up a picture with you in it as the our profile pic, tag you in all photos you appear in and most importantly make sure that our status box shows that we are in a relationship with you. Yup, that’s what we do when we love you – we say it out LOUD! And when we are out and about with you, our professions are usually crystal clear: ‘Meet my girlfriend, Sandra’ or ‘Meet my fiance, Sandra.’ Not, ‘Meet Sandra’ who is Sandra??? When we love you, we want the world to know that we love you. But I get amazed when ladies see the writing on the wall and continually make excuses to justify a man’s blatant abuse towards them. What do I mean? Take for instance the introductions highlighted above; He introduces you as just ‘Sandra’: you know you don’t like it, but you make an excuse within yourself and say, ‘he’s a private kinda guy, he doesn’t like to publicly show stuff.’ Really? Ok, let me ask, “Are you enrolled in midnight gymnastics with him?” In other words has he bent your body in ways you didn’t think possible? Well, there is only one thing worse than a guy sleeping with a woman in secret; and that is, a woman allowing that to happen. Before you allow a man do to you privately what can affect you publicly, he must first of all acknowledge you publicly as the woman he respects and loves. If he can’t do that, you need to tell me why you are still sticking around. How can you allow a man to knock you up when you are just ‘Sandra’ to him? You know you deserve better, so stop the excuses. Instead of making excuses for him, take charge – not of him or the relationship, but of yourself. Never remain in an environment where your integrity is compromised. Remember, you are the prize and we should work hard to get and keep you. And after all our hard work, you still have a right to say NO.
Why are you looking for ‘something’ in a bag of ‘nothings?’
A few years ago, a friend who was engaged was getting ready for her wedding which was just a couple of months away at the time. She called me occasionally during the preparation process, but on this one phone call, things were pretty bad. She was mad, upset, disappointed and unhappy that she was marrying this guy. So I asked her why she was still going on with the wedding if she felt the marriage wouldn’t work out. She said to me that she did not want the last four years of her life spent with him to go to waste. Hmmm! When she said this, I looked at my phone because I couldn’t look at her (she was in a different city) and in that instant – if I had a private jet – I would have flown to her city to give her a knock on her head – not a hard one, just a gentle knock – to help tilt her brain back to the center of her skull, because obviously it seemed out of balance with what she had just said to me. Let’s think about this, You are willing to screw up the next 50 years of your life, create babies in a hostile environment with a man you despise thereby screwing up the next generation, raising kids that would need therapy for the rest of their lives based on the abuse they will experience in that home, all because you don’t want the last four years of your life – 1,2,3,4 – to mean nothing (I’m having a headache just rehashing this story). So you are trying to create a love marriage from a four year crappy relationship. Needless to say, this lady was a young beautiful 28yr old lawyer. With good life habits she could easily live another healthy 50 years (Have you seen Barbara Walters lately? She’s 80). And here you are, willing to mortgage your future on four years with this jerk? She was desperately trying to make something out of nothing. That you’ve been in a long term relationship does not mean you should continually stay in it. Unfortunately for some ladies, it takes a while to see the light and muster up courage to get out of a bad situation. But when you see the light; RUN, GO, your life deserves it. If you don’t make that change, you’ll never know what’s out there? And when I say out there, I don’t mean what’s out there in another relationship; I mean what’s out there in you that you are yet to discover. Some of you ladies are afraid – afraid that you might not be married by a certain time. You begin the calculations, ‘Ok, I’m 28 now, if I break this up, how long will it take to find another guy and get married? Oooh! It may take another 4 years and I’ll be 32. No! I can’t be single at 30.” You are killing yourself with this kind of dialogue. Like she later said to me, she always saw herself married by 29. Needless to say, she was divorced by 29. They got married alright, but their divorce was made final before a possible 1st wedding anniversary. Sometimes we allow fear to dictate what we should do. We will never get from fear what love has to give. Love is bold, confident and fearless. Why are you scared? Why are you letting fear keep you in a relationship that you know you don’t want? Why do you want to marry a guy who has already made you feel like trash? Why are you choosing to be with someone you are not crazy about? Ok, so you are more concerned about looking good and successful on the outside at the expense of how you truly feel on the inside. You are too special for that. Let people think what they think, you know what you know and that’s all that should matter. Sometimes, we don’t believe; we don’t believe in ourselves, so we settle and then try to make something out of nothing. You can’t change another human being, it’s impossible. You haven’t even changed some things about yourself; how then do you think it possible to change another?
You’ve gotta think before you have his baby!
Often times when I’m in conversation with one of my numerous lady friends, something always cracks me up. I know they been having sex for years in and out of relationships and that fact is not hidden between us. But on some occasions, when I ask them if they have been pregnant before, their voice takes on a new tone of ‘How dare you?’ And then there is a resounding NO, like, ‘how could I get pregnant?’ Wait a minute! Am I missing something here? If you are having sex – sexual intercourse, you are potentially making a baby. You are filing an application. As soon as he ejaculates into you, the application is submitted and the outcome of that process is no longer left to you or him but to the Department of Conception. And if they approve it, you become pregnant whether you want it or not. Sex is not just about the pleasure derived, neither is it an antidote for loneliness. Sex is Responsibility; meaning you will have to respond to the outcome of that sexual encounter and sometimes it could be a lifetime of responses especially when a child is conceived. And when that child is born, you will forever have a symbol representing your union with your ex. Once a child is conceived, there is no moving on from that relationship. It begins the strongest bond known between a man and a woman. That man holds a special place in your heart regardless of how you feel about him today. You may have an abortion in trying to cut any future ties to this man, but may I have you know that the power of conception outweighs the power of birth. For something to be born, it has to be conceived. We are all on this earth first because of conception then birth. Without conception, there will be no birth but without birth there can be conception. A strong bond is created when you allow a man’s sperm to start life within you. It is a major privilege to give to someone and not everyone should have that kind of access to you. If a man is horny and wants to be relieved, tell him to use his hand. You are no object and certainly no substitute for a man’s hand. So if you don’t want to have his baby, don’t make his baby.
I know there’s Pressure, but why are you under it?
I have come to observe that whether she’s 21 or 29, she always feels she’s running out of time. One thing you must understand is that pressure is not real. You are real and when you give attention to or come under the dominance of something that is impotent, you give it potency – you give it power. That is why this thing we call ‘pressure’ has the effect it has. You give it the effect. You are the effect. Sometimes we are driven by those voices of ignorance that may have come from people we love, so we try hard to get into a relationship and make it work. “Oh! This one has to work cos I’m almost 30.” Screw him and screw 30. You are more valuable to yourself and to the world than the timeline of your eggs or your age. Your world will not come to an end if you are not married by 30; in fact, it may just be beginning!
A few years ago, a lady friend of mine, who was 21 at the time called me up to talk about her ‘man’ troubles. During our conversation, I observed that she had always been in a sexual relationship since she was 15. She confessed to me that she didn’t want to be alone; actually she didn’t know how to be alone. You see, you do yourself a huge injustice when you spend your formative years interrupted. Sex interrupts. It stops your creative and intellectual development and gives strength to your emotional cravings which should still be asleep. Your formative years are years you spend forming your person and your identity in readiness for your service to the world. Unfortunately, ladies give that time and space to some guy – a guy who may not even be in your life past your 30th birthday.
Have we as men failed you? Oh yes we have! As fathers some of us weren’t present in your young life. As uncles, instead of being fond of you, we fondled you. As friends we were more focused on the benefits instead of the sacrifice. We used you when we should have added value. We took advantage instead giving the advantage. We failed you quite all right, but you don’t have to do to yourself what we did to you – You don’t have to fail yourself. You can’t afford to fail yourself. You are the door to humanity. Life has to go through you to enter this earth. Even God needed a woman to come back into the world.
There’s no need to dumb yourself down or compromise your true integrity. We need the true you. We can’t exist without you and we will adjust to whatever standard you set for us – so why not make it high, why not make it YOU?
Tags: BN Hot Topic, enkay
July 10th, 2009 at 9:11 PM
true talk Sir!
July 10th, 2009 at 10:35 PM
Wish I had learnt some of these way back.
July 10th, 2009 at 11:28 PM
Excellent write-up……I am quite impressed given you are man. Your perception is very much aligned with mine…..it’s right on the money as it is simply the truth. Keep it coming as we women need to be educated greatly on this!!!! Lord knows I have done my part but this coming from a man would perhaps give it more validation.
July 10th, 2009 at 11:44 PM
i think every sensible, reasonable woman knows these things.
July 11th, 2009 at 1:33 AM
i love you enkay!lol
July 11th, 2009 at 3:40 AM
If u nat judgin peep than wat r u doin…Mistakes r ol part o life..Luv makes u do crazy thangs n peep r times get lost n do stupid things. ol thez things u sayin bout women goes both wayz 4 women n men…am a woman n i dont ever introduce ma bf as ma bf. Luk at most 9ja men…most o em git marry 4 paperz .
July 11th, 2009 at 4:22 AM
What an awesome article! Kinda wish I had read it when I was 20 before I made ALL of these mistakes! But I suppose sometimes we have to make them to figure out what it is we really want?
(I have linked back to this on http://www.female2female.co.za
July 11th, 2009 at 5:08 AM
[...] Anyway pop over and read it! [...]
July 11th, 2009 at 8:20 AM
WOW!!! I don’t think truer words will be spoken in a very long time. Good job sir
July 11th, 2009 at 8:28 AM
This has got to be the most ignorant comment I have ever read posted on any forum. Get a grip!
July 11th, 2009 at 9:02 AM
I know, I totally agree…its like she didnt even understand the article she read…afribabe the guy gave a disclaimer before writing the article…do get a grip…:) oh and that’ love makes you do crazy things’ is bull
July 11th, 2009 at 10:19 AM
“If you had to sleep with him to keep him, he was never yours in the first place”. love dis quote… Enkay, i feel lyk u have jus spoken 2 me tru ur article. Bless ur soul.
July 11th, 2009 at 7:07 PM
Best article i’ve read on bellanaija
5STARS
July 11th, 2009 at 10:06 PM
So im not crazy after all! I totally agree with this article. I dont need a man, but i would want one someday, but not by force. My inner worth is far more important, and wont let just ´anyone ´ mess with it.
July 11th, 2009 at 11:51 PM
WOW! WOW!! WOW!!! Iv read dis ova+ova agn n its like WOW!
Big up 2whoever wrote dis..
so many women out there degrade themselves al in the name of love+im there tinkin “wat on earth ru doing?”
Its especially hard for young women like me who r tryin to be at peace with ourselves by abstaining in world full of sex,lies+deceit!
Thank You soo muc for such a wonderful article!
xoxo
July 12th, 2009 at 2:18 AM
Easier said than done. Love really makes us do stupid things that we end up regretting. I am guilty of it sometimes. I guess it all boils down to insecurity.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:22 PM
gamgam do not cliam ”I too know” bcos sometimes we need someone to tall us what we dont know ,cos nobody is perfect.so do not say,u think sensible,reasonable woman knows these things.just admit d fate
July 12th, 2009 at 7:52 PM
Hot stuff!!! My daughter must read this, although she is just 4 years old now, but this is wisdom that would never wane. Thank you so much.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:49 AM
I think its a shame that the author Ekene Agabu isn’t married, women have been seriously dulling, on a scale of 1 to 10 he’s a 9.2 at least.
July 13th, 2009 at 2:31 AM
another story from another man…shouldn’t you wonder why he isn’t married? iranu.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:59 AM
Read your artile via F2F blog and I must say I so enjoyed reading this that I just HAD to tweet it.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:49 AM
Thank God for men like you, i hope we will learn from the article and realize our self worth.
July 13th, 2009 at 2:33 PM
Bimbs….please note that I am NOT the author of the article. The author’s name is Ekene Agabu (credits mentioned in the note before the article). I just thought to share it with BN’s wonderful audience. I’m glad it strikes a cord with you. Ekene deserves a standing ovation.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:44 PM
If more men were of the same mindset as Ekene Agabu, the world for women would be a better place. I think I’m in love!
July 13th, 2009 at 10:27 PM
this article is mind blowing,i want every woman to read this.its so true bout the mistakes we make in our relationship with men.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:00 PM
this is wat all woman should know. Thank God it is coming from a man like you when ladies talk some think we are outdated, just 20yrs on earth i have learnt and placed standard and infact am reviewing my stadarad and placing more from this moment they say i will not find a husband but i think Gods think is the best.Cheers
July 16th, 2009 at 8:33 PM
[...] read a blog post recently on the 5 Mistakes Women Make it is well worth a read and I could identify with so much of [...]
July 17th, 2009 at 2:15 AM
wow…well said…he needs to write a book…cos women need to hear this…i was once in a 4yrs relationship and i was nt happi…i said to mysef i cant do this anymre…if am not happi wiv this guy after all these yrs..then he doesnt deserve me….so i broke it off….ladies u deserve to be happi and loved…u shouldnt accept less o…nways please check out my blog…http://lifeofajobseeker.blogspot.com/
July 18th, 2009 at 2:59 AM
Well written article, but I believe much of the blame should go to the men and not the women. The emotional structure of women allows for the “mistakes” suggested in this article, and asking for change I think is premature at best. Yes the rationality of the average woman when it comes to relationships with loved ones might be somewhat repressed, but isn’t that the same set of emotions that makes women such endearing entities. The unabashed love and affection which most of us receive from our mothers, emanates from the same set of emotions which leads to decisions that are sometimes percieved as irrational.
In a nutshell, I’m saying that for the most part, the women are OK!
My 2 cents.
August 2nd, 2009 at 1:44 PM
Well written article. Relationships last when love needs are being met. So the quality of a relationship is a function of how relevant the parties are to each other and how much they’ve opened up to tell each other the truth about these needs. So ladies be truthful in any relationship and explore ways in which your deepest needs can be met, meeting your partners needs too have a quality and long lasting relationship.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:14 AM
am a guy like ekene,anytime i told females this, i was either called guy or queer.most of those females nd males come back to me nd stick to wateva i say.
big ups ekene,its nice 2 know that some guys r not grabbers.as 4 lady sayn story,well no comments.i met girls like u in sch who told me that i was jew 4 not sleepin wit all girls who were throwin themselves on me.today most of this wont take a major decision in life witout askn my opinion.needless 2 say dt my mouth broke nd held up so many relationships.
just wish dt women wd stop all this nonsense abt being unda pressure nd arrangee marriages nd prove their worth,men would que up.
big ups bella,am out.
August 9th, 2009 at 2:57 AM
I’m speechlesss! What a fantastic article! Thank u so much .
August 9th, 2009 at 10:31 AM
Excellent piece! Making 200 copies for a women’s event in London (You’re Beautiful Woman! 2009)
August 9th, 2009 at 2:19 PM
Perfectly written.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:38 AM
Well Written and well said. At this point in my life, this is what i needed to read! Thank you for reminding me how Special and how Valuable i am. I have forgotten for awhile that i am the PRIZE. Thank you for reminding me
August 13th, 2009 at 5:26 PM
Lovely write up, will spend more time to digest it after work today.
Thank u for letting us know
August 18th, 2009 at 9:14 PM
What a completely awesome article. As a college student, I have been focusing on developing myself and my identity and I have focused on holding onto my principles. I found myself being able to identify with some of this article and I’m so glad I read it. This was a message that I had been looking for!
August 21st, 2009 at 7:56 PM
Hey, well written, what a powerful piece script, it’s a wake-up call to all of us women out. We need to take it on board.
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:10 AM
well written article but I must bring out five or more misleading theories made in the article. 1. You assumed that a woman is always the prize, That is wrong women marry for financial gain more than men. 2. You assumed that the higher the standard set by the woman, the more respect she gets. That is wrong you don’t know where the man is coming from. many have regretted setting high standards at the expense of love 3. You assumed that age factor is overstated. That is false .women suffer for age more than men.
4. You assumed that making excuses for a bad man is wrong. when people are in love they make excuses for each other. 5. You assumed that a woman had the baby because of a mistake or that she had it to please or keep the man. That was wrong. Many women wanted a baby at certain age whether the man is with them or not. some set out to get pregnant for someone and the man just happened to be passing .Last but not the least you wrote that a woman does not need the a man. That is wrong men need women as much as women need men, Just that women pretend more often than not
You did not qualify the kind of woman you are encouraging and you eliminated the factor of love.also note that modern man is struggling against his insticts by sticking to one woman. The important thing is for every man to learn how to respect women as they are and not for women to deny the problems or assignements God has given to them. If some set of people should put in more effort, it should be the men.
August 23rd, 2009 at 1:57 AM
There is some truth to this extremely Interesting article! Its good to have a males perspective on matters particularly those mentioned in the article. I am glad that there are men out there who recognise the true worth of a woman and has endeavoured to share with the world. Its a shame that so many women out there have yet to realise and recognise their worth.
August 28th, 2009 at 9:19 AM
I absolutely agree with “Real Dear” on his/her comments. U were just too engrossed with the negatives, completely blinded to the positives, as such ur assessment became absolutely unbalanced falsehood presented in a creatively deceptive manner. U need 2 look at d other side of d coin and rewrite this piece otherwise trust me, YOU HAVE JUST GIVEN MANY OF THESE YOUNG WOMEN THE PERFECT RECIPE FOR A DISASTER!
August 29th, 2009 at 7:40 AM
A very interesting article that is worth reading and taking note of, especially for those who are single and searching (S& S).
Though I do not share the writer’s perspective & conviction stated in the concluding paragraph, I am of outmost conviction that we men share some blame for the low esteem of women. This is not in anyway ignoring the fact that men also play significant roles in positively affecting the morale and respect of our female lovers. Also, by the way, some mothers do abandon their children thus depriving the children the much-needed motherly love.
In conclusion, I believe it all depends on the circumstance and the individuals involve. To the worst, can we say “some” men?
August 31st, 2009 at 9:00 AM
God bless you for writting this piece. It’s a great message. Thanks.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:16 PM
lovli piece a reminder i needed
September 15th, 2009 at 4:47 PM
This was really worth reading. Well done and more power to your elbow!
September 18th, 2009 at 11:00 AM
What a good piece! I love this so much even if i do not entirely agree with the perceptions of the writer. Who says women are the prize? Much as women are important,so do men. What i think is realy important is the “LOVE”. However,in loving,both should love with the two eyes wide open so as to observe thoroughly so as not to make mistakes.We both need to make right choices and being careful is not only limited to women. But it’s a nice piece.
October 7th, 2009 at 2:09 PM
Ekyboy, it was good. Keep doing what you’re doing…
October 8th, 2009 at 1:07 AM
Dude,
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? And we wonder why people think ill of Nigerians. I laud the fact that you want to share knowledge with a seemingly lost generation of young women. But do not take credit for what is not yours. “Your” beautiful piece of work here is directly from Steve Harvey’s book ” Act like a lady, Think like a man”.
Again I ask why? You’d still be respected if you had given credit to the writer. Plagiarism is theft of intellectual property and a punishable crime, especially when you are brazen enough to share with the world. Swapping around names and paraphrasing does not fool anyone who has read the book. This is a damn shame, where are the standards you talk about, Dude?!!!
October 12th, 2009 at 7:22 AM
Yes, very true. Reads remarkably similar to Steve Harvey’s book. The more I read through the article the more I thought of ‘Act like a lady, Think like a man’. Hey what’s new though…plagiarism is typical of the average short-sighted, vapid, untalented person seeking fame and attention. So, Ekene Agabu needs his 15 minutes by any means necessary and if that means re-presenting someone else’s work as your own, then so be it.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:36 AM
The book has already been written by Steve Harvey, its called ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man’. Eke’s article is a copy of everything in the book.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:42 PM
Thank you for being this informative.It is a word of wisdom that will stay in my heart for a life time. Generations from me will read this bc i’ll make sure i print and keep this article securly. Thank Jesus for the writer. God bless you.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:42 AM
I’m flabbergasted, speechless, but I want to say so much. First and foremost, Thank you for your honesty and Second thank you for the way you expressed your love for “us” women, young and old. You know its must be truth spoken or written when you can receive the words as if they were written by God himself.
I’ll probably have to read it 21 times to fully grasp the complexity of what you wrote, but I am ever more prepared for love–loving myself because of it.
I am going to share this with every female I come across from now until the end of time, its like an intense workout with Jillian from Biggest Loser, you may not be able to make it the whole twenty minutes or understand the fullness of the article, but if you take your time and really get the logistics of what is being read, Change will come.
Today, I grew up. I’m 2. I realize the nexxus point of my struggle, the side-effects, the treatment, and the cure.
Thank you—I’m so grateful
November 6th, 2009 at 7:42 AM
That was a great piece of work. I had been feeling dejected and lonely for the past week. But, after reading this essay, my original spirit has been rekindled. Thank you ever so much, for reminding me who I am and what I stand for. Thanks for reminding me I need not accept crap from a guy who isn’t sure about me. God Bless You! Keep up the good work
November 21st, 2009 at 6:09 PM
M presently at a weddin,and we all knw weddings mk single ladies sigh inwardly. My ‘ex’ brought out d worst in me and I was always of d notion dt if I leave him where wld I start…
Nyway, I woke up one mornin with d tot dt I am definitely worth fighting for.
No matter how old u r there’s a man out there waitin to fight for ur love!
I totally, agree with this piece and m leaving dis receptn with my head back up!!! Thank u for makin my weekend!
November 26th, 2009 at 3:23 AM
I know too well about marrying the wrong man. There was nothing in here that was not the truth. We all have been guilty of all these behaviors. THANK YOU! I have passed this on to all my single ladies!
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:40 AM
i agree with this a 100%. However i must state that in life there are no hard and fast rules. definately a woman is the price the bibe says he who finds a wife finds a good thus the man shld do the seeking and them claim his price. Women need nuturing and luv. its amazing thou i still heard a guy telling me he cant indulge his woman and the relationship cannon work without sex. nywayz God is the ultimate helper but our society needs a serious brain washing. Can u blame women for feeling pressured at 30. Society regards an unmarried woman as nothing.the way u r treated when u r single is different ve seen this live cause my younger sister is married and am not. However, God is always in control and i love the article by the way and it just reassured me sort of that am not doing the wrong thing howbeit late. Thanks and God bless
December 11th, 2009 at 10:52 AM
welldone my dear, the most important thing is these, you have pass a message therefore it is left for us the reader to either take it or leave. good job!!!
December 13th, 2009 at 12:35 AM
nice one,quite encouraging too. to really disgusted and co sign, even if he plagiarised, i’m pretty sure you could have presented your points in a less degrading or disrespectful manner, didn’t make you seem any wiser or better
December 25th, 2009 at 5:34 PM
Funny thing is that I just recently turned 19 never beeh touched even my lips are virgin being that I have never had boyfriend. I always had boys who were friends and boy did they try to take advantage, but I alawys was a step away. This message bout me peace with my self. I could now let my gaurd down, being that I don’t have to sit and figure if this boy likes me or should I have done this with that boy. If he really likes me then I’ll know. This message was pure genius and an eye opener to those who takes it.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:01 PM
I still find it hard to believe a man actually wrote this,Nice work i really appreciate it.it is 100% true,an elderly woman can say it more than this.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:18 PM
I still find it hard to believe a man write this,thumb up,u re 100% correct,an elderly woman can’t advice a younger lady more than this.Nice work.it is a masterpiece.
February 1st, 2010 at 8:20 AM
wat can i say dan wow pure genius..thankx for the advice..itz means so much 2 read dis from a mans point of view…av always had dis type instinct abt guys buh never really thought of it dis way buh boy it enlightened me more abt men..thankx…xoxo
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:52 PM
Very well said. Very well written. A masterpiece straight from the heart and one definitely to be shared, chewed and swallowed.
March 19th, 2010 at 11:14 PM
wow this is amazing…i think every lady shuld take time out to read this..a masterpiece..
March 22nd, 2010 at 5:31 PM
Well written and am sooooo sharing this with all my girls.!
April 8th, 2010 at 11:21 PM
I hate to read very long articles but sincerely i read this from start to finish without pausing.Its just as if i told you my story before you decided to put this up.i stepped out of a relationship of 7yrs aftr marriage introduction.thank you so much for opening my eyes d mor,thank you for making me to understand that as a woman i shld be the one in charge and nt make silly excuses for him.
April 12th, 2010 at 11:19 AM
God bless you Sir who ever you are for writing This.This is wonderful and we need more of this for our women and young Women to take themselves more seriously.I REALLY WISH MY EX CAN READ THIS ONE………
June 4th, 2010 at 1:27 PM
i love this article. u know so much about women and i want to say thank you. iv learnt a lot from this.although,i wish i knew all this long ago………i wish all men cld understand women like you do. thanks alot for dis…..
June 25th, 2010 at 9:12 AM
Kudos to the writer….This article was so good that I am speechless. Very good, I am impressed.
July 25th, 2010 at 9:02 AM
This article literally brought tears to my eyes. Feels like you sat me down one on one and addressed most of the issues i had in my recently ended , extremely toxic relationship. Thanks for candidly reminding us ladies of our worth. Most times, we get so caught up in fighting for and making a relationship work, and we end up losing ourselves in the process. This was insightful, and I’ve drawn so much from it. Thanks loads. Definitely sharing this with every lady i know.
July 28th, 2010 at 9:33 PM
@ the ‘Really Disgusted’ schmuck (8 October) – are you saying that Steve Harvey has a monopoly on ideas and thoughts on how women should treat themselves? Sure, their writings may be similar, and the writer may have been inspired by Mr. Harvey’s musings but unless you can show that this article was more or less pulled out from Steve Harvey’s BOOK – an extract from a relevant chapter will be useful in comparing notes – I think your accusation of plagiarism is unfounded and unfair.
From your post it is also clear that you fail to understand that there is hardly any originality left in the world. Most ideas tend to be an improvement on or of a known truth. If you think about it, a number of points in this article (and i’m sure, steve harvey’s book) have been made by some mommy/daddy, aunty/uncle, pastor, friend, sister, Oprah
and I’m sure a number of women have reached the same conclusions in their private moments. However, this wonderful, considerate man, has taken his time to think through what he has observed to be at the heart of the some of the damage and pain women have gone or are going through and share. He may not be the first person to have these opinions (i doubt steve harvey is – there are probably sites all over the world with similar articles) and you may not agree with him, but whatever the case, he deserves to be commended not torn down by the derogatory rantings of some random ignoramus…
On another note, it seems a number of people misunderstand the premise on which the author has based his article, partricularly ‘Real Dear’. Only the writer can say for sure, but i think he isn’t always stating what is but what should be if women are going to be treated the way they want to be (of course there are exceptions but unless it’s a case study, a writer can only be general in his theories and conclusions and generally speaking i think he’s spot on (maybe not 100% but pretty close). Real Dear, if you’re honest your observations cannot generally speaking be right for instance you say:
“1. You assumed that a woman is always the prize, That is wrong women marry for financial gain more than men…”.
Again, this is what the writer is warning against – a woman should always see herself as someone worth fighting for as within her lies treasures and strength of priceless value and she should not diminish her worth by leaving herself at the mercy of someone who does not value her (this is not to say that a good man is not worth fighting for, but if he doesn’t see you as these wonderful things he’s not a good man FOR YOU and he’s definitely not worth it);
“2. You assumed that the higher the standard set by the woman, the more respect she gets . That is wrong you don’t know where the man is coming from. many have regretted setting high standards at the expense of love.”
For me this is a no brainer – if you read his article properly, you’d understand that his point about the standard is about the woman – regardless of the man she’s with. In any event, it incontrovertible that the standards you set (for anything in life, education, career relationships) do not only show what you think of yourself but determine what you get. Ever heard of a person who wanted an F in an exam and studied to get an F but got an A based on their efforts? Plus, for every woman who you think regrets setting high standards at the expense of love, i’ll show you 100 more who regret setting low standards at the expense of respect (and, most likely, don’t have the love);
“3. You assumed that age factor is overstated. That is false women suffer for age more than men.”
I think of all your points, i think this one at least has some basis in reality (at least in the Nigerian context). However, this is no excuse to settle for what will clearly not bring you lasting happiness. Too many of my friends got married at the right age to the wrong person only to end up divorced, bruised, many of them a shadow of their former selves. I think this shows that the age factor is clearly overstated compared to the wisdom of waiting for the right person. Too many people have traded their destiny in fulfilling society’s demands. Which doesn’t make sense when you consider that ‘society’ will not be there to share your burdens with you while you spend the rest of your life miserable because you married a man who doesn’t love and respect you like you should.
“4. You assumed that making excuses for a bad man is wrong. when people are in love they make excuses for each other.”
I’m sorry dear, but this is the lamest and laziest cop out of the century. Stay with a bad man if you feel you must, but making excuses for him to make yourself feel better is not only wrong, it’s asinine. It’s wrong because it doesn’t give the man (or woman) the chance to own up to his/her wrong and change for the better. It’s asinine when the other party expects him/her to change.
” 5. You assumed that a woman had the baby because of a mistake or that she had it to please or keep the man. That was wrong. Many women wanted a baby at certain age whether the man is with them or not. some set out to get pregnant for someone and te man just happened to be passing .”
I don’t know what to say about this one. This article was obviously not (primarily) directed to this class of women… Plus as a matter of fact the writer’s assumption is correct – a lot of women have sex without fully considering the consequences and this sometimes leads to unplanned pregnancies. A large number of women have children they never planned for without the fathers to support them or are as a result stuck with men they have no business being with. So, like the author, if you feel you must have sex, at least do it with someone you want to spend the rest of your life and who feels the same way about you (better still wait till you’re married). To do otherwise is irresponsible.
“Last but not the least you wrote that a woman does not need the a man. That is wrong men need women as much as women need men, Just that women pretend more often than not
You did not qualify the kind of woman you are encouraging and you eliminated the factor of love also note that modern man is struggling against his insticts by sticking to one woman”
While I agree that men need women just as much as women need men, I think what Ekene was trying to say is that a woman does not need a man to show her or prove how beautiful, special and worthy she is. If you don’t come to that realisation yourself, your self-worth will be dependent on whatever a man/woman tells you or how he/she feels about you. A corollary to that you’ll take whatever he/she gives. Second, on your point on monogamy being against man’s instinct – my answer to this (without delving into the veracity of your claim) is, assuming this is true, not all instincts should be followed without some level of control if you want a healthy balanced life, e.g, if you choose to sleep around as your instincts dictate, you run a higher risk of STDs, unwanted pregnancies, etc, which are harmful to both the individual and society. Further it’s the ability to feel deeply, to subject our instincts to a sense of right and wrong that mark us out from animals. In fact I think it’s a greater struggle for the modern man to juggle multiple relationships with women than finding peace and contentment with the one woman he loves and adores, don’t you.
My two cents…
July 28th, 2010 at 10:30 PM
This content of this write up is about as common as the wind, and many if not
all women know that. For some reason the cannot apply the basics to their life
and find themselves lost along they way. What standards you set for your purpose
rse here on earth direct how tedious or comfortable your life will be
July 28th, 2010 at 11:57 PM
I usually dnt comment on blogs bt I think I’ll explode if I dnt do dis now,dis is d best thing I’ve read so far in my life (I’m nt exaggerating). Right now I’m feeling lost nd caught between lowering my standards 2 please a guy bt I thank God I came across dis cos nw I belive I deserve so much better in my life dan wat a guy says I deserve. I’m almost in tears rite now cos I believe God inspired u 2 write dis cos of me,u av really saved a future nd generations 2 come nd God bless real good for that. Thank u
July 29th, 2010 at 6:32 PM
i am certainly motivated by this…well said and good job.thank you