Turning the Table: Addressing the Issue of Abusive Women

Posted on Wednesday, October 10th, 2012 at 2:55 PM

By Atoke

In Tyler Perry‘s movie, Why Did I Get Married, there was a character  called Angela, played by Tasha Smith.  Angela was a crazy woman. She and her husband, Marcus, were ALWAYS fighting and when the other guys asked him how he coped with all that energy, he responded that the make up sex was worth it.

I’ve never really understood physical abuse of any kind: not by men and I definitely can’t wrap my head around the idea of a physically abusive woman. I mean women are supposedly the ‘weaker’ gender and it shouldn’t be physiologically possible that anybody should get a beat down from a woman.

A few years ago, a colleague came to work looking completely disheveled. Upon further inquiry he revealed that he had come from the hospital. He and his girlfriend had fought that morning. “Ah! Ogbeni, you’re a woman beater. You beat your babe?” Then he said “She has been doing it and doing it but today when she brought out the belt to hit me and I saw the buckle heading towards my face I decided to defend myself. Besides, this isn’t the first time she has been doing it, but because I’m a guy and I know how it would be if I raise my hands against her. This isn’t the first time it’s happening.She has just been getting away with it”

Shock can not be used to describe what I felt when I heard him explain the scenario as he tried to smoothen the creases on his shirt. While everybody was asking him what the doctors said when they got to the hospital, all I could think of was Marcus’ response from Why Did I Get Married. I hope the sex was worth this guy remaining with an abusive woman oh!  Then I asked him and he said “We’ve not even been having sex, I’ve been sleeping in the living room for over a month”
Ah! In a house where you’re paying rent. Tufiakwa!

There’s a lot of hue and cry about domestic violence and whenever women try to go off on men I always remember that it goes both ways.  Even though there’s a predominance of awareness of the fact that some men are abusive, we mustn’t push the issue of abusive women under the carpet. It’s important to note that inasmuch as we have violent and abusive men, there are women who will beat you to get their point across.

When I was in school, there was a group of girls that nobody liked to mess with. Why? If you crossed their path they would gang up on you and beat the living daylights out of you. If there was a hint of you talking to their friend’s man, you were cruising for a bruising and they would NOT hesitate to deal with you. If you slept on their bunk, you might receive a hot slap.  I didn’t understand it. I still don’t.

What’s my point? How does a young woman get to the point where she feels that lashing out physically is the answer? How can it be controlled? Is it alright for us as a society to pretend like it doesn’t exist while we castigate the men for using brute force?

Let’s not bury our heads in the sand like it doesn’t exist. We can nip it in the bud.  When you notice violent tendencies in your child, caution her. It’s NOT okay to bite your classmate. It’s not okay to trample all over your classmate’s foot.  When you notice a mean streak in your child, address it. Remember, that kids pick up a lot of things from parents, spoken and unspoken. So as parents, aunties, uncles and family friends, it is very important that you do not give off the vibe that it is okay to be violent.

Because the truth is, IT IS NOT!

Photo creditnoyzradio.com

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  • 42 Comments on “Turning the Table: Addressing the Issue of Abusive Women”

    Comments
    • ajikegold October 10, 2012 at 3:12 PM

      It beats me how people hit people they “love”. And as you advised Atoke, i tell my 2 year old son every now and then that girls are to be taken care of and not to be hit. May he not meet an abusive woman in Jesus name.

    • Nnenna October 10, 2012 at 3:27 PM

      Great issue to raise… cant we all just get along without any violence???

      • chike October 10, 2012 at 3:44 PM

        abi o

    • Princess of Zion October 10, 2012 at 3:59 PM

      Great that you addressed this because even though it is less common, it does happen and it is real! You mentioned an imperative factor; childhood! Most habits are formed as children or teenagers and this is something that we as parents should address. Violence, whether you’re a girl or boy is unacceptable! It is very sad to see homes where such things occur! SAD!
      http://www.princessofzion.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/marry-well

      • Omosetan October 12, 2012 at 10:43 AM

        it is most common; we just dont talk about it

    • Traditionalbay October 10, 2012 at 3:59 PM

      An abusive woman was raised by an abusive father/mother. so the circle goes. victims too needs cure.

    • Chattyzee October 10, 2012 at 4:00 PM

      Any man that beats a woman is an animal. Period. No matter how angry you are, can you slap yourself? Can you kick yourself in the stomach? So why would you do that to someone else? For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it. Any man that beats a woman is bringing curses on himself. Especially a woman who labored to give you a child. Abusing and harrasing a woman just shows how insecure and sick such a man is. They should lock such men in a cage and throw the key somewhere in oniru beach.
      And as for the woman, there is nothing worse than you making your home a hell on earth. Even worse, is raining abuses on curses on your husband. It destroys the self-confidence of such a man. Women that are always finding fault, complaining and paranoid are not only doing a disservice to themselves but also to their husbands. You will not have peace of mind. No matter how bad your husband/man is, your anger is not going to work the righteousness of God. Stop using that key to open the door, it is obviously not working. A woman is suppose to be a crown to her husband. And a crown promotes and protects the head that wears it. So stop dragging your husband through the mud and disrespecting him. You will not get the end result you desire. Some women help their husbands achieve thier goals. What kind of woman will you be? Will you give your husband wings to fly or will you ground him in life? #selah

      http://dprodigalchild.wordpress.com/

    • CityChic October 10, 2012 at 4:39 PM

      Society cannot lay low on the subject forever.
      http://www.fabulous-city.com

    • nomad October 10, 2012 at 7:21 PM

      You should definitely point out that for every abusive woman, there are at least 50 abusive men. Domestic violence is disgusting whether committed by men or women but women are statistically far and away over 90% of the victims

    • olorile October 10, 2012 at 8:47 PM

      at the end of the day no matter how hard a woman hits a man he should ALWAYS walk away. if its a pattern its time to get rid of her. but NEVER EVER hit a WOMAN! i noticed that African men are quick to hit women. they say “well she hit me first” but i know they would never be quick to slap a white woman tho. i would make sure i teach my some that you should never hit a woman even if you are tempted. i shall not raise an ABUSIVE AFRICAN MAN!

    • Amber October 10, 2012 at 9:07 PM

      No matter how high I respect a guy,once he laids his hand on a woman or even raises it,that respect is gone for life.but it is unfortunate in some culture or maybe I will say some beliefs today that for a man to lay his hands on a woman,it is because he truly loves her.i still don’t understand that theory.it is time for people to talk,so that they can get help on time and be able to live to take care of their kids abeg,cos if they keep enduring the abuse because of their kids,am sorry o,they might never even survive to take care of those kids

    • Gimmer October 10, 2012 at 11:13 PM

      i weigh them eequally and both perpetrators (male or female) needs to seek help. once you start, its unlikely you will stop

    • Sbaby October 11, 2012 at 1:26 AM

      In DC i had a friend that used to give her man collections of slaps , i tried talking to him in how to take charge and be a man not a slapping mascot but he ran to tell her and i was told to mind my business if i wanted to keep our relationship, appaz he was enjoying the slaps and being submissive, big ewu

    • Babadini October 11, 2012 at 1:48 AM

      The guy in the article should have put a stop to it the very first time. Stuff like this doesn’t just happen. I bet you that the guy probably let her get away with other things in the past that eventually led to physical abuse.
      You have to make it clear from the onset that abuse is a deal-breaker. She might love you, but she’s still human so you have to ‘put her in check’ sometimes. If she’s psychotic, then that’s another story altogether.

      • vicor March 4, 2013 at 7:01 PM

        how?

    • Anon October 11, 2012 at 7:05 AM

      My sister in law is abusive. Verbally and physically. In order to save his mind my brother in law started hitting back. Not a very nice picture. She is just a very angry woman. We all keep away from her as no one wants to be on the receiving end of her acidic tongue. Thankfully she cannot hit any of us – she pushes my brother in law to the wall all the time with the things she says and does. If it were a woman she was dealing with, she would have been slapped and dealt with a long time ago. I do not condone violence one bit and men who beat their wives need to get serious help but this girl? I would never have described my inlaw as a physical person, not to talk of beating a woman. Tis girl has brought out the worst in him. Ad when they start, after abusing her husband well and it degenerates to the physical she will not back down. She will keep goading him and insulting him as if there is some power she derives while this mad act is going on. Please do not think that I am supporting the guy cos he is my inlaw, no. I do not get on with him either, but truth be told. In her last relationship before my brother in law, she was also abusive to her boyfriend. When my inlaw started dating her, his sisters told me that they were so happy that there family had been delivered of the devil.

      The reality is, there are a lot of people that need serious help.

      • jollybabe October 14, 2012 at 5:29 PM

        The girl need psychological help.something in her past bothers her. She needs counseling and help.

    • gbenga October 11, 2012 at 8:15 AM

      As ii read dis..my heart weeps…for I am a victim of the above. They say wen a woman is using his tongue on u..just keep quiet. Well it doesn’t always work dat way..in my case if u don’t answer..a physical attack jst to get a respons is imminent, try goin out…get locked out. Av reacted back at times and I hate myself 4 it..cos it leaves me empty!. Worse part is wen shez on dis streak..no one hears..but wen I react back evry one is al 4 d woman. I cook, bathe,dress,feed,clean up for myself and our son, while she sleeps sayin its not her duty nd she is according to her only meant to be an helper. I believe am not alone in dis..men r out dere being castigated 4 raising dere hands against women(tho cm men truly r beasts!), but no one wants to know wat caused it. Am not looking 4 any pity 4rm anyone…I got my self into dis..and am gettin myself out..I may be heading 4 d inevitable path of divorce..if tins dt change cos I don’t want d violence any more..it affects my son and I also remember d issue of d guy wo dey said killed his wife…they’v always bbin fightin we were told..til one killed d oda..aint waitng 4 dat. So pls women don’t give that man hell…giv him RTLC(respect,tender loving care)..he’l love u til death..cos in truth men r jst big babies..treat dem as u wld treat ur baby..nd c wonders!. Thanks for ur piece

      • iLife October 11, 2012 at 11:27 AM

        Gbenga, truly sorry to hear about the terrible situation in your home. You need to get your son out of that situation FAST. Ask for a separation, move away with your son for a while. If she is truly repentant, give her another chance. If not, count your losses and visit a divorce court.

      • Purpleicious Babe October 12, 2012 at 11:17 AM

        Oga Gbenga sorry to hear that ohhh brother…

        pls seek help and find a solution before it gets much worse.

        there are no excuses for our actions. VIOLENCE is not the answer but then again our society it is allowed. Some of our women have the most disgusting mouths. As in their mouths are beyond razor. Like James 3 said the tongue is an unruly evil who can tame it?? Both men and women are faults with the dimension of our tongues… My proposal be careful who we end up with….. do not ignore or overlook any any tiny thing lest we bear the brunt…

        http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • fiesty chic October 11, 2012 at 3:38 PM

      @babadini Stuff like this does happen. it’s just that for men they can’t speak about it cos it shows a total loss of their manliness on their part. and please everyone, abuse doesn’t have to be physical, it can be verbal too. lets watch the way we talk with our significant others too and follow the cardinal law of the bible- love thy neighbour as thy self.

    • ify October 12, 2012 at 2:04 AM

      with all this mad people (wife beaters and husband beaters) on patrol, how can one identify such before marriage?

      • Babe October 16, 2012 at 11:49 PM

        BY PRAYER and ensuring your love is not blind…. more prayer

        As for Gbenga, sir I think your wife needs counselling, you ought to go to a psychiatric hospital and they have to move her out by force. No offence but desperate times call for desperate measures. If she maims you…

    • ada October 12, 2012 at 7:07 AM

      if somebody beats me i will beat them back gbam..in fact even double what they gave me..next time they wont try such nonsense…i remember when my boyfriend slaped me, i played nice for the day and waited till his friends came over. I came over and whispered, ‘Nna can i get u anything else’ he said no(smiling like a fool), then i put my hand up to gain enough power and then SHAI…he saw stars that day.

      • ihuoma ken ohiorenoya October 12, 2012 at 1:19 PM

        Ada ,i ge gbu kwa nma du O! I could’nt help laughing out loud in the office.On a more serious note,most bullies are cowards and like Dr Mike Murdoch would say,what you tolerate ,you cannot change and what you tolerate increases.He believes you setup urself for the next one or even a lifetime of abuse when you do nothing the first time it happens.All this people wey they form abusive,them they fear face O.My people say you go first look face of woman wey just born before you ask am wetin she born.It is not everyone that this bullies attack so do not set urself up.

    • Ken October 12, 2012 at 4:11 PM

      Pls listen all of u commenting. There r very very stubborn girls out there. There is something ur wife will do, she herself even will know that she deserves to be beaten. As for me, my wife has a cain in the house. She dares not even talk when am talking. And this has been working. Am at peace in my home. My children are at peace too. If u think that physically u r stronger than u wife, pls if she messes up, beat the living day light out of her. what nonsense? Ladies will never like this cos they want freedom to run their mouths. Not in my house and if u can abide by the rules, i will bundle u back to ur parents. Rubbish!!!!

      • Abana October 13, 2012 at 9:23 PM

        You keep a Cain for your wife? God is keeping a big fat Cain for you o. Shio! You are a big fat ode. Seriously, you are an obituary waiting to happen cos I would have killed u since in your sleep. You are married to a good woman. Thank God every morning and celebrate her. Ewu!

      • Babe October 17, 2012 at 12:13 AM

        Ken, we listened and heard all you wrote.
        I just pity you becos the day that woman snaps… hell knows no fury like a woman scorned… she carries your children for nine months each, feeds you and cares for your home and you flog her?????? Does your mother know?

      • Iffy October 31, 2012 at 3:25 PM

        Jesus deliver us from evil ooooh!Your wife?a grown woman with children?Cane?tf???!!!! All I can say is may God deliver us from evil.Amen.

    • ada October 12, 2012 at 6:15 PM

      Ken you should be happy am not your wife because wahala go happen for that house…cain for me… hot frying pan for you…

    • Saveme Lord October 13, 2012 at 9:54 PM

      Ken, I hope you are joking ……

      • Zsa zsa October 14, 2012 at 7:31 AM

        Oh pls, mr ken is just seeking attention here… He knows a lot of ladies will respond. On a more serious note, if u have to have a cane for a woman u claim to love, have sex with and have children with in order to “control” her then u less than a man. Next time ur male friends step out of line make sure u beat them too, see if u wont end up in a coma.

    • Phantom October 14, 2012 at 11:32 AM

      For women, my advice is simple: Run. When you start dating someone, the way they treat others will tell you how you will be treated eventually. If the man is comfortable threatening other people with violence or being abusive then eventually, you will be on the receiving end of that treatment. You may think you’re special at first and that sort of treatment is only reserved for other people but human beings will always revert to default mode once they get comfortable – RUN!!!

      For men, it is much more difficult and here is my summary – you cannot change anybody. Remembering that simple fact will save you a lot of heartache in the long run. See that fine babe that always uses her mouth to wash anybody who crosses her path but then uses the same mouth to call you darling – one day it will be you getting washed if you do not turn around and walk away. Even worse, the majority of abusive women go physical because men are conditioned to back down when confronted with an angry woman because we’ll be seen as violent if we retaliate. So the abusive woman starts to abuse you – you hold your peace and keep quiet. She sees that she’s not getting a reaction so she steps up, gets in your face, maybe starts throwing things around – you’re thinking “one punch will put this woman in a coma” and so you grit your teeth and try to stay calm. At which point, she becomes even more emboldened and possibly moves towards pushing you around, grabbing your clothes or hitting you. By now, you have probably lost your temper and think it’s time to get her off and so the physical confrontation commences. My solution – watch any prospective girlfriend/wife like a hawk to see how she deals with conflict/disagreement. If she deals with conflict by getting irate, shouting and getting abuse then cut and run. Don’t wait for her to get better because you’ll still be waiting for that day when she starts slapping you around or locking you out of the house when she gets angry.

    • Ogonna October 14, 2012 at 11:08 PM

      Some women really have to learn to control their tongue! they push the men to the edge 60 percent of the time

      • somebody October 15, 2012 at 10:47 AM

        Ogonna – I understand that women can be that way however, people should learn to draw their lines and have their boundaries. Dont let anyone ‘push’ you to do anything that is not in your nature. That’s like saying that poverty pushed you to be an armed robber. If you determine that you will not steal.. nothing will push you. So men and women should decide that being physical is NOT AN OPTION… that way, nothing pushed you. afterall dont you have colleagues that are bad… are you pushed to hit them????

    • A.D October 15, 2012 at 12:59 AM

      *dropped jaw* Jisoxxxxx, i dont even know what is more surprising, the fact that you actually, really, truly keep a cane in this 21st century, or the fact that you are bold enough to write about it……as in, you started, continued, finished, an actually clicked ‘post’……naaaaa, I think zsa zsa is right you just want attention, I guess you’ve had your fill.
      On the crux f the matter, someone once said, love makes the world go round, tolerance kips the world round…..ok, that someone is me, buh really, I know there are nasty women out there, im talking women with the Biblical tongues of vipers, but i have also seen men, real men, handle and turn those tongues to cradles of wisdom, though there are some tongues that should be cut off though, lol, just kidding.
      all im saying is, lets learn to tolerate a lil more, things will be a lot easier to manage dat way cos violence is not the way.

      http://www.memoirsofagoodnaijagurl.blogspot.com

    • Lou October 15, 2012 at 4:49 AM

      Any GROWN woman who physically attacks a man and does expect a retaliatory physical response is a BIG FOOL!! And frankly I don’t have pity for such a woman who gets dealt with,didn’t it occur to her that that she is not attacking a fellow woman who will scratch and pull at hair…its a man you are dealing with,a man who knows how to rain down blows when the need arises. Personally I am not for any for form of violence directed to women, but there are some women who are asking for it.
      Therefore, if my spouse comes at me with slaps, I will not retaliate I will simply physically carry her and throw her out of the house,she can go and sleep at her friend’s place or her mother’s..but if she comes at me with an object that has a sharp edge e.g knife, cutlass,scissors..or something that has the ability to cause a bone or skull fracture…e.g mortar,pickaxe…I will assume my life is in danger and only then,will I discipline her with my bare hands. But God forbid me to be in such situation IJN.Amen.

    • Somebody October 15, 2012 at 10:24 AM

      Ken — You are a sick and controlling individual. You need help and a lot of therapy. Then afterwards you need to be taught on how to be a real man. That is not peace you have in your house….. not at all.

    • jenni October 15, 2012 at 2:13 PM

      What about the verbally abusive? Far too many women are proudly verbally abusive and once in a while will lash out. One of my sisters is like this, and her hubby of 3 yrs is regretting his marriage. I lost my ex to a girl like this (she hadn’t started showing it to him, but she laid into me when I tried to say hello on his birthday, and nothing more than hbd). Like my sis, she is determined and aggressive (and strangely can turn on the charm and love Jesus publicly in a loud manner, don’t try my sis when wants to pray, lol). But those tendencies exist, and it’s harder for a man to say “enough is enough”, because the world will point and laugh at him for being “weak”. People be careful.

    • switlipz October 15, 2012 at 4:15 PM

      wow! to say am speechless would be an understatement. I don’t think Ken was joking or seeking attention at all, i think he is an extremely weak man with an equally low self esteem. for crying out loud, who chains his wife, except a man who feels that one day his cup is going to be full his wife will give him a taste of his own medicine. As for Lou and Ogonna, i know that there are some women that are abusive(physical n otherwise) but come on that does not mean you should beat her blue black. after all, you guys don’t beat up your fellow men for doing the same thing you crucify your girlfriends and wives for.

      • Lou October 15, 2012 at 10:46 PM

        Haven’t you noticed that if 2men want to exchange blows, guys quickly separate them…the potential for damage is just too much. And then a woman wants to get physical with a man!? As for Ken, I think the cane is a bit overboard ,but if you think about it, what if he decided to use his fists? As for the verbally abusive women cited by jenni, all I will say is that any man that has a verbally abusive wife did not do his research well during courtship and take action.
        I once had a babe who seemed like an angel, until one day when I called off a date cos my car developed a fault that very afternoon the date was to hold,the next day when I called her fone.. She launched into slew of expletives which would rival any agberos tongue…there and then I deleted her fone number and never called her again. You can never change her cos that is the way she was brought up and that is how she will continue to be.

    • Lily October 17, 2012 at 8:35 PM

      There are a lot of violent women out there people just don’t know it because women always want to act the victim, when there is trouble in the home they are the first to start spreading their problems about but at the end of the day they are always the cause of everything, a elation of mine is a good example. I agree with you Atoke, we should always try to nip this problem at the bud especially when we notice hostility in a child.
      http://at-mails.com/pages/index.php?refid=lily87