The Thin Line Between Holding On & Letting Go

Posted on Friday, September 27th, 2013 at 8:15 AM

By Oluwabusola Adedire

I have noticed that I can care for people and go all the way, but at the same time I tend to give up on people pretty easily. Especially when they treat me the way I would not treat them… very ironic! I do understand that there is a certain amount of vulnerability needed to connect with people, but pushing back against it is my defence against hurt. So I constantly find myself two- stepping to this dance of holding on and letting go.

One of most difficult places to be in life is making a decision between holding on and letting go and it is the tug of war between them that leads to suffering. Thanks to BellaNaija, I have a little insight about Tuface’s and Annie’s love story. Tad complicated, but I find it interesting. I think her resilience is somewhat courageous but on the other hand, I cannot wrap my head around holding on to something that hurts so much. Which brings me to the question when exactly does one draw the line between holding on and letting go, to have a little more faith or give up? Another classic example is the plot of THE GREAT GATSBY. When love is involved, the distinction becomes somewhat blurry. It becomes very easy to have faith… but, what if letting them go is all the deliverance you need.

A few months ago, I watched a Nollywood movie which had a woman lamenting to her aunt about her marital ordeal. Her husband was cheating on her with the help and to worsen the situation, the help was pregnant neither would the man agree to send her packing. Her aunt simply told her that it is a ‘spiritual attack’ and she needs to keep fasting and praying to get her husband back. I found this response extremely amusing, and then I remembered that it is the way of life for most Nigerians. This brings me to the issue of infidelity and domestic violence in marriages which are very common amongst us. Why do women stay in relationships/marriages that are emotionally draining?? Especially in cases of infidelity, it is not about forgiveness but the lack of trust and feeling of betrayal that exist afterwards.

How does a relationship thrive without trust? The cracks are always visible.
If you have ever been on either end of the spectrum share your story… Did you hold on, and it worked in your favor or did you let go and it became your redemption?

Since October is the national domestic violence awareness month, I have included an inspiring TED video on domestic violence. It is worth watching.

Photo Credit: archive.constantcontact.com

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Oluwabusola Adedire is a graduate of Medical and Pharmacological Sciences, an enthusiast on social issues, and loves to inspire people about life, God and Love. Find her on Instagram @hrh_oluwabusola and on Twitter @HRH_oluwabussie

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  • 64 Comments on “The Thin Line Between Holding On & Letting Go”

    Comments
    • That African Chic September 27, 2013 at 8:32 AM

      Since you used Annie and Tuface’s example let make a quick point. I read some interviews a while back about them and what I picked was that they were not even dating the time Tuface proposed. They had broken up several times and Annie had dated other people in between those times. Because they had a child together they were bound to keep in contact one way or the other. Ti face just woke up one day and decided to mend his relationship with Annie and even Annue mentioned that the day Tucace came to her house to ask for forgiveness for everything she was surprised because they had not seen or talked to each other for sometime. He then proposed shortly afterwards and the rest is history. They had broken up, for whatever reasons he had an epiphany and decided Annie was the one, he proposed and she accepted due to whatever reasons she had.

      Back to the topic at hand, for me I believe it’s time to let go when you start to feel less of who you are just to please another person. Because for one thing nobody can love you if you don’t love yourself first.
      The issue of domestic violence is a very delicate one and I think if you have not experienced it, it would be difficult to understand why women stay.for me the key is self worth. We have to train our daughters to know their value as a person and train our sons to understand that the worth of a woman.

      lifeofanafricanimmigrant.blogspot.com to read about my experiences as a newbie in the US

      • Tutu September 27, 2013 at 9:23 AM

        Very nice comment.

    • eniola September 27, 2013 at 8:33 AM

      Nice article again Oluwabusola. Just like you, I could give so much for love, and detaching myself if taken for granted is always easier than picking beans sef. For women that stay despite violence, abuse and all sort, I think they lack strength, self esteem and most are more mindful of society than they are mindful of their own well being.

    • Abby September 27, 2013 at 8:45 AM

      I can hold on but not for long depending on circumstances, why bother to hold on to something that you are not happy to start with, life is too short to be miserable, so if im not happy in a rship, i would def hit the freeway.As for married,some tend to hang in there because of family especially if they have children.#mytwocents#

    • H's boo September 27, 2013 at 8:52 AM

      This article feels like it was written specifically for me. I am at a point in my life were I dont no whether to hold on or give up.
      I have a serious boyfriend. He is a nice guy and all, with good character. I love him so much and I think he loves me too. the problem is, he is not the romantic type and he does not know how to express love the way I want. Sometime last here amidst some issues we were having in our relationship, dude cheated with his ex. I got to find out and despite the fact that he has apologized etc I just cant forgive this dude. I mean the trust is gone. I dont believe anything he says. He has taken some measures to prove to me he has nothing with this girl but I still dont believe it. The complicated part is I love this guy so much. I dont know if I should just forgive and move on or just let him go. I have met his family and he has met mine. Every other thing is awesome but TRUST!

      • Abby September 27, 2013 at 9:30 AM

        Its always wise to follow your instincts, if you are not happy, dont force it out even if he introducees you to the whole clan,its better to have a broken rship than a broken marriage.Im in a similiar sitauation to make it even worse, it is a long distance rship my own problem with le boyfriend, he does not keep intouch as in he dissapears for a week then comes back with excuses and says im not understanding as in WTF, so told him im not interested in the rship no more so im a happy single girl and ready to mingle yey lol

        • H's boo September 27, 2013 at 10:36 AM

          mine is distance too. lol

      • Owo Lee September 29, 2013 at 9:47 AM

        Hmmm, all is well…if trust is gone in a relationship, y holding on?

      • Sassy September 30, 2013 at 2:19 PM

        Personally, I feel no one ought to cheat on anyone in a relationship, in a marriage, one mught have to forgive and try to resolve issues because I’m a Christain and I believe in forgiveness, but still dating and one is cheating on the other? NO WAY! take the high road and dump his ***! thats blatant disrespect and forgiveness will just give him the right to continue.

    • gscot September 27, 2013 at 8:58 AM

      we all want to love and to be loved in return,i can only hold on to a relationship if am happy,i hate to be taken for granted and been pushed to the wall. if violence is involved its even much easier for me to walk away in peace cuz my heart is very fragile and i happen to know my worth no matter what.

    • July September 27, 2013 at 9:04 AM

      I was in an abusive relationship 3 years ago and I thank God every single day that I made it out not only alive but with my sanity too.

      I got into the relationship because well truth be told I just didn’t have a very high self-esteem at the time so when he said things like “no one will ever love you” and other rubbish I believed it. Its like planting seeds in fertile soil, those beliefs that he planted in me sprouted. You also have to remember that these men are like predators they wont attack you until they have figured out your weaknesses. He will be prince charming and the perfect man in the beginning and then reveal his true colours once he has got you and he will manipulate you into thinking his drastic change was because of you and your inadequacies. Because of your low self-esteem you will believe him. Its a vicious cycle.

      I was with him for a year and I saw it all, I saw the gates of hell with that man and the thing that made me let go (run actually) was just having had enough I just couldn’t take it anymore. I knew that if I stayed even one more day I was going to break and never be ok again. It was either me or him and I chose me.

      Might be corny but please if you are in an abusive relationship, if a man is putting hands on you, constantly putting you down, cheating on you and just treating you worse than the scum at the bottom of a shoe get out. Love is not supposed to hurt.

      PS sorry for long post.

    • Missy A September 27, 2013 at 9:07 AM

      ‘Abuse strives in silence’ That hit me.

      • deep September 27, 2013 at 11:39 AM

        yes, abuse strives in silence…..if you’ve been abused, i don’t think you should be silent about it. Make it an issue a big one. Let it be known you’re not having it. get everyone that matters involved. be ready for the consequences that might follow. Domestic violence makes you lose your self worth and confidence. Don’t just sit and watch, do something about it.

    • tomi September 27, 2013 at 9:11 AM

      I think its mostly cos of the society, finanacial dependence and lack of self esteem, all these make a woman stay in an abusive marriage. Pls let’s train our girls to see theirselves as queens, remind the that financial stability is everything.no amountt of sweet words should let you forget thism every human being deserves to be 100% happy and nothing else. I’m out

    • JJ September 27, 2013 at 9:27 AM

      Its better to let go because some men don’t even know the worth of a woman.If a man abuse me in a relationship i will run for my dear life sharply.Those that still remain in such relationship hoping to change d man will end up loosing their own life.

    • Answer September 27, 2013 at 9:32 AM

      This article is SPOT ON!!!!I am at a point in my life where taking a decision between holding on and letting go and i got my answer “what if letting them go is all the deliverance you need”……That right there is MY ANSWER…….I am not in an abusive relationship…..As a matter of fact,i have all the love i need,however,love is not everything!!!Its such a surreal feeling because i have been so indecisive since 2011 and here i am with my answer…..Thank you so much!!!

    • Noninie September 27, 2013 at 9:49 AM

      It seems like this article is just for me.. we found ourselves in the complicated friend zone, not being able to live without hearing each other and all those very intense communication couples have. Now one person wants to date other people and still have the intense communication existing. I stayed away.. and the complains came from him,with him saying I cant live without hearing from you and what not.. Yet he wants to date other people, without letting me go… and I cant bear to see him unhappy. #sigh# Letting go for me is easy as soon as i find the courage to do so.

      • H's boo September 27, 2013 at 10:38 AM

        Sounds like selfishness to me. Please let him go…

      • Miss Anonymous September 27, 2013 at 5:32 PM

        Please let him go like yesterday!!!

    • CYNTH01 September 27, 2013 at 9:58 AM

      @ july ….I support ur words,i was recently in a similar situation,a case of him being a sweetheart at d beginning,then later getting verbally abused not physically,his words pierced thru my soul and it left me thinking a whole lot but nothing told me 2 carry my shoes on my head and start running, please to all the women who are either verbally or physically abused in a relationship u have the chance now to move on with ur life and feel better, I knw every woman wants 2 marry someday,but allow God determine the timing and not the society. You Only get to Live Once. THINK PLEASE!!!!!

    • Queen September 27, 2013 at 10:01 AM

      Really inspiring!

    • Mariaah September 27, 2013 at 10:50 AM

      The thing with abuse generally is like I always say “If you have never experienced it, you will never know”. Its a clear case of “you do not know where the shoe pinches, hurts.

      One thing I know is, once you know your worth as a woman, as an individual, no one should have power over you!

      Step out of dangerous situations at first glance. When a man says nasty words to you like “who do you think you are” step away don’t say “oh, he was angry, I made him upset” cos chances are the next time he will slap you!! And you are likely not to do anything about it because in your psych you are thinking “who am I? Can I survive without this Man?’

      Please walk away from abuse, seek help.

      Please check out my website.. Thank you..

    • Oluwatobiloba September 27, 2013 at 10:52 AM

      All has been said but my advice is once verbal and physical abuse is involved its time to let go …there’s nothing like he would change let me give a second chance. before you know it your self esteem is gone and you stop loving you self . Nice piece pls visit myloudthought.wordpress.com

    • Deedee September 27, 2013 at 10:54 AM

      Really educative and inspiring, tanx for the video clip…….

    • frances September 27, 2013 at 11:13 AM

      Abuse is not only physical,its also psychological.I’ll use myself as an example.I dated a guy wen I was in 200L/300L.the relationship was a drain on my emotions.he kept putting me down,he was a liar,he dated others,he was an igbo smoker(he lied abt that too) and he even slapped me once but I held on.it got to a point wen I didn’t see myself as anyone worth a pinch of salt,I had benn so relegated 2d background,it seemed like I was a nobody with no iota of talents or a future,it still took God’s grace to let go.I did and am happy to say I am at a better place now and I knw dat if I stayed,I won’t be at dis glorious stage of my life.it took letting go of dat relationship for me to find myself again…so I’ll say,thrz a thin line btw letting go and holding on but wen d pains of holding on far outweigh d pains of letting go,u gotta let d reins on watever emotions that ties u 2dat person go.if u don’t,u’ll sink with d relationSHIP.

      imperfectlyperfect.wordpress.com

    • Iyke September 27, 2013 at 11:18 AM

      Far beyond the issue of when to stay or let go , I try to ponder into what could be the root causes of all these …. What is the role of faith as it affects us leading to the issue in question….I keep pondering …There are times in life when the thrust of our brilliance stalls at the crossroads of ambition and expectations, especially in relationships and marriage… When our efforts…focus…hard work and desire to exceed…win…rule the day…falls short of our intended result and expectation. In that moment of confusion…panic…bewilderment and disbelief…desperately combing through the pieces of the dream that seems to slip beyond your reach…you stumble, brace for a fall…You question every aspect of your method…strategy…preparation…and even your ability…wonder whether you were deserving…why the weight of your commitment and duty appears to have failed you…betrayed you…deserted you…didn’t reward you as you were convinced it should… But life intervened…interrupted…changed the scripted…rewrote the scene and took you off track…mapping a new course of destination…without warning…or permission…
      Left to pick up the shattered vision of your perfect world…contemplating the dreaded reality of “now what…”..should I stay or let go, I ask one question of you…was faith ever a part of your plan…faith in your ability to weather life and whatever the elements might bring… The heart that at times breaks us…more often makes us… If you insured your plan with faith…you are good to go my friend… Life still awaits you…bring your heart…let’s do this again…

      • Que September 27, 2013 at 12:38 PM

        Though I’m not sure u answered the ‘stay or go question’, for once on BN I gotta say I enjoyed reading your comment despite the plenty pausing and near blabs in btw… it made sense to me today, I guess its just timely for me…msg gotten, d closing bit is everything. cheers!

    • Funke September 27, 2013 at 11:36 AM

      Thank you guys for your advise. My story is more similar to Abby story. my dear i am single and it feels so good yayyy. its better to be alone than to be unhappy. Life is too short,enjoy it to the fullest.

    • Layo September 27, 2013 at 12:15 PM

      hmmmm nice write up…. i was a victim of domestic violence thank God I survived it and since then i always advice my younger onces NEVER to date a guy that beat his lady.

    • Chinma Eke September 27, 2013 at 12:21 PM

      I’m a firm believer in: its time to go when the relationship gets abusive, regardless of what point its at, and of what form of abuse is meted out.
      Girls, we keep talking about the guy putting us down to keep us, has anyone experienced the situation where the guy puts himself down and clings to you, constantly making you feel guilty if and when you want to leave? I did, with a Nigerian ‘celeb’, abd I foolishy stayed. Until I found out that was his game plan and I wasn’t the only one ‘under the influence’. I left, but the sad part is, one of the others who knows about his infidelity is still with him. According to her: she loves him, and all men cheat.
      Us women are the ones who keep selling ourselves short, all so we can be ‘Mrs Somebody’.
      Read Naija tales @ chinmaeke.wordpress.com also fashion and beauty tips.

    • frances September 27, 2013 at 12:25 PM

      Never hesitate to chose urself when it comes to choosing btw the relationship and ur well being.that’s just it

      http:imperfectlyperfect92.wordpress.com

    • Tuu September 27, 2013 at 12:29 PM

      @Iyke…i dont mean to sound rude,you might be a great poet or whatever but if you really want to communicate,you shouldnt write like this.My point is you hardly communicate well,and its easy to get bored when one tries to read your piece#jstsaying# I grew up in an abusive home,and never really understood why my mum kept holding on,i was closer to my dad then very funny enough bt i always nursed devilish plans on how to kill him since my mum wouldnt do so,she finally let go and continued to raise my siblins and i single handedly bt i’v never bin more grateful,it has changed my perspective about life and marriage in general,i never believed marriage was a beautiful thing,i felt it was normal bin in an abusive relationship/home,my mum and i were never even close and i tot she hated me 4bin so close 2my dad,i was such a timid child,bt now i know better,i know that love and marriage can be beautiful,i have a beautiful relationship wit my mum nw and she’s got d most beautiful heart in d world,i could go on and on about d new things i av discovered outside an abusive home,bt let me just add,for dose of you in abusive marriages esp violent marriages and tink u cnt let go bcos of ur kids,u r doin dem more harm dan good staying in dere.If you love dem well enough u’ll let go,its nt gonna b easy,bt God is nt blind,He’s surely gonna see u thru,just put ur trust in Him.Its worth it.

      • Sassy September 30, 2013 at 2:35 PM

        I love your comment, I think you need to say this more often. Staying in n abusive reltionship for the sake of your kids is just pretty lame excuse to me, because the children hurt even more.

    • Chum chum September 27, 2013 at 12:36 PM

      Well i think 80% of women that stay in an abusive relationship is not financially stable, they don’t have any home to go to. #myopinion.

      • Me September 27, 2013 at 4:32 PM

        You are right

      • larz September 27, 2013 at 4:57 PM

        u wud b surprised by financially stable women hangig to keep a good image / rep. Our society is very harsh on matured single women or seperated/ matured women.

    • Gbemi September 27, 2013 at 12:41 PM

      Sometimes holding-on is not a sign of low self-esteem or a lack of strength, it could also be the uncertainty in the situation or the virtue of believing the best about a person. However this been said, there comes a time when it’s time to let-go. For some people letting-go is quite easy for some others it is not.
      I think the key to letting-go successfully is taking baby steps directed at moving forward. For example reduce your dependency on the person, stop calling regularly if they notice then you can say how you feel (for example: I don’t like it when you do this etc.) if they don’t notice then take huge steps because surely the person is not into you. Now if your baby steps are noticed, and the guy changes don’t be quick to go back full on, see if the change is permanent and if the change is permanent still don’t go full on (by full on I mean back to the way you were), continue on the cycle of ‘baby steps’ this could be what your man needs to sit up!

    • slice September 27, 2013 at 12:46 PM

      I think before or after u let go, it’s important to try to get help for the abuser especially if u are in a committed relationship. Perhaps insist on therapy when they are in those moments of sanity. And no, u don’t have to stay with them while u. Both seek help

    • dp September 27, 2013 at 1:26 PM

      This article is so on point

    • fashionandstylepolice September 27, 2013 at 2:20 PM

      Lovely article.

    • Sigh September 27, 2013 at 2:33 PM

      @ H’s boo, from experience, I have come to understand that the female intuition is a great gift and a lot of times our initial thoughts are the correct ones. Guy’s are full of deceit. That’s not to say there are no good guys…(a hand full maybe). For a lot of guys these days, meeting the whole family and friends doesn’t mean a lot these days. He could even have close friends that will even vouch for him especially after a situation like cheating…with an ex for that matter. All naa wash a lot of times…Trust me its happened to people I know.

      Trust is the most difficult thing to build after deception and sometimes we have to put our thinking caps on and keeps our hearts out of it .
      @ he says he has nothing to do with the girl anymore…. Unless you like share a phone with him and follow his everywhere mehn you will never know and honestly, I doubt he still doesn’t still have something to do with his ex. He went back for a reason despite being with you and unless you understand why it happened, there is every chance that it will happen again and worse still other people.
      In a case like this, its best to take some steps back and review the whole situation. All the best.

      • H's boo September 27, 2013 at 3:32 PM

        Thank you so much for your advice. I have tried to understand why it happened. Eachtime i take that route, I find myself blaming myself. The girl in question is desperate and partially forced herself on him(I hate to believe this though) He also said he was frustrated from all the problems we were having coupled with distance. My instincts is confused too lol. You cant really understand these things sometimes.

    • Choice September 27, 2013 at 2:36 PM

      God bless the hands that put up this article. I have learnt a lot from this. I just came out from an abusive relationship that lasted for 7yrs with the intention of being a wife but to be honest letting go wasn’t that easy but it’s the best way to freedom and having peace of mind.

      • Gogo September 28, 2013 at 9:25 AM

        @Choice, am forced to say to you “Ode ni nyen” for staying in an abusive relationship for 7 years in the hope of being Mrs. Mschweeew. Park for corner jare… Na wetin d guy give u chop? You Neva talk the story finish o. This one na abridged version.

        • hot mama September 28, 2013 at 7:21 PM

          That’s absolutely not a nice thing to say Gogo…I know most times we are so sure we’ll never be caught dead in certain situations, and tend to say things like what you just said to people in those situations, my dear Gogo please understand that not everyone has the same will power as yourself and why we may never understand that…we should commend her for releasing herself from that bondage;better late than never…and I’m pretty sure she has said every negative thing one can think of to herself for being in that situation and doesn’t need to hear more of that from anyone, rather encourage her to use her story to help others get out of similar situations. @ Choice I’m so glad you found the strength to leave that relationship…it shows you are actually stronger than you think are and please do not EVER settle for less in the way you want to be treated by your man…everyone deserves to be happy with their partners. cheers!!

    • Madam Dearest September 27, 2013 at 2:54 PM

      @ july your story sound so familiar to that of my friend but the difference is she didn’t get out and she later had kids for him so i heard cause i had to stop being her friend cause i was tired of advising her and he sure got her good, funny enough she is not dependent on him but he his,and people like him will go extra mile to hurt any opposition.

      My ex use to physically abuse me(only relationship i ever experienced that)……i didn’t see it much has a biggie cause then i was in naija and it stopped before i left but i had a feeling that if i was still around and with him he might do it again and apologize as usual..with the distance came the verbal abuse and one-day something inside me snapped & i gave him the talk/insult of the century a good 1 at that ,he was surprised he later resorted to asking me to pray & fast so that i don’t lose what we have….that was when i made sure i ate my breakfast every morning most!!! cause for me we are already at the cross road & am leaving……he wasn’t supportive and he doesn’t see my career has anything ,heard he got married and all but hey am happy ,i have a great career everything he thought he could give me materially am giving myself and meeting fine hot dudes with good career(fanning myself), if its not working pls run when you still can!!! y would i want to look older than my husband cause the SOB has stressed my life so much n he now refers to me as his aunt when we go out that is a NO NO….i have found my happy ,when people ask me am i in a relationship i say its in Gods hand ,i want to be in 1 but am not in a hurry!!! pardon my epistle abeg.

    • Aderonke September 27, 2013 at 3:03 PM

      God bless you Busola for this article. I think every woman need to read this whether in an abusive relationship or an happy one. We “women” need to help each other regardless of the diversity or similarity of the life issues that we are going through. WE ARE ALL WE GOT and YOU ARE ALL YOU HAVE. We need our individuality and self worth to be successful and fulfilled. There is no justification for any one to steal that from us or for us to give it away like Esau just for a morsel of food. We need to teach our daughters now and help redeem our fee\llow sisters that are in the pit. There is a second chance for all except the Lord says other wise and we all deserve to be happy. Once again thank you for sharing this Busola

    • Amaka September 27, 2013 at 3:45 PM

      Well I have a similar story to share, i met this guy when I was quite young, though we didn’t strike off a relationship immediately, we just grew close and became best friends and all. 3 years down the line he asked me out aftre my first relationship crashed and i was thrilled, i immediately agreed and we were the best couples. We never fought, we didnt even have a single arguement, we just talked over issues and boom everything will be resolved. Fast forward 18 months down the line, i called it quits because i was having emotional and psychological problems because of some trauma i had. I felt guilty because I felt I was draning him emoptionally and needed to give him a break because afterall this was my problem and I somehow had to deal with it on my own. In all this he never judged me. As time passed we gradually grew apart but still maintained close contact, we kinda like switched to our previous “best friends” mode and everyone was happy with that. 2 years later after a horrible relationship (because we had both moved on) I realised what I had and lost and I felt horrible. Desperate for real and true love and the feeling of being loved again, I crawled back to him. Well I didn’t just walk up to him to say “hey I’m back, fancy a relationship?” I took my time, paid him a few visits, he was really surprised but quite happy and so when we became comfortable to talk about our relationship he became really emotional and expressed that he was really sad that in all of the 6 years he knew me, that he can’t boast of a having a meaningful relationship with me. I seiezed the opportunity to ask him if he was seeing anyone, he said “NO”, I was like okay, so any plans to date anyone? he said “NO” and I was like “are you liking anyone?” and he was like “NO” then I held my breath and asked him if it was okay to start a new, matured relatonship, he was overwhelmed with emotions and he told me that he would not give me up for anything in this world, that he really loves me very deeply and cannot see any reason not to continue from where we left off. To cut the long boring story short, I found out that he was dating someone else, and that in fact the babe was living with him, I was really upset and when I confronted him to ask him why he had lied to me, he became very verbally abusive and that was when the cycle of arguements, accusations, etc started. I tried unsuccessfully to reason with him but it all came to zero. So whats my point and how does it relate to the topic? My fellow BN readers, it took me 22 months to tell myself to let go, some of you might think why? what the hell? i myself even cannot answer that. Even after realising that he was in a steamy relationship with this girl, i somehow convinced and continued to thrive on delusions that he was eventually going to leave this girl for me, cos according to him, “he is permanently attached to me and cannot imagine a world without me” and so each time we had a violent arguement which was often accompanied with verabal abusive, i always managed to reconcile with him and then he would profess his undying love for me, we would get cuddly , something somehow would trigger an arguement and the whole drama starts again. How I managed to endure months of verbal abuse, I can’t,explain. this went on for 22 months and it took him admitting to me that he had a child with this babe to realise that it was really over between the both of us, and that it would never work. (this was his second child actually) I had overlooked his first because we talked through the ordeal and i formally accepted his child as mine. But the second one from this other girl, hit me like an ice rock, I really felt bad, I felt folish and useless. But im over it now. I’m just sharing this experience because I didn’t know when to let go, even after series of verbal abuse that I wouldn’t normally condone. People do crazy things for love especially once one is desperate to be loved again. I have learnt to pull back now and chill, if i find love again, fine if I don’t fine. Its just that I didn,t realise when to let go and gravely mistook “letting go” for holding on. All I’m saying my fellow BN readers is that it takes the special grace of GOD to realise when to “LET GO” especially when you are in dire need of love. But after everything I would like to say that no one deserves to experience that amount of pain and shame that exudes from such failed relationships. We all deserve better. Cheers.

      PS: please don’t judge me “harshly” all forms of reprimands are accepted lol.Afterall we all live in a real world. #UDO

      • Yabadabadoo September 27, 2013 at 10:03 PM

        Hian this your story is THICK

        Really and truly ONLY God gives wisdom in these situations.
        There are no hard and fast rules.

    • unique September 28, 2013 at 1:05 AM

      i also was in a similar relationship till late last year but he was verbally abusive and mostly used my weight against me,i am on the big side,he used very strong and cut deep words at me and would tell me its my fault because i said something to warrant the abuse,and this had a strong impact on my esteem i started feeling unattractive about doing all sorts to loose weight but it was not working,we broke up but we were still communicating and he was still saying all this i actually deleted him off all my contact list it was a tough decision because but it is a decision worth making and the best one it gives u peace of mind.i am learning everyday to love myself and keep looking up to God for his plans for me.

      • Amaka September 29, 2013 at 5:39 PM

        My dear sister you are beautiful and no one i mean no one should make you feel less beautiful or attractive. I strongly believe that he was not the right man for you, chill like me and stretch your beautiful legs, Mr right is on his way. Bless you.

        • unique September 30, 2013 at 7:28 PM

          thanks hun laughing out loud at stretching my beautiful legs,amen mr right would def come for us all

      • chidi brown September 30, 2013 at 7:14 PM

        Hello unique its beautiful you finally left the guy, I have being in similar situation in the past in fact the man bearted me about my weight too, loser! Anyway I finally lost the weight not for him but for myself infact the guy unknowingly made me realise my career path since I studied nutrition , I am now into full weightloss business. If you want to lose weight you should do it for you and you alone although maintaining approprite weight is healthy. Contact me if you so wish on glamgirlfitness@gmail.com or 08032572434.

    • grace September 28, 2013 at 11:17 AM

      i took time reading ur msg n it was nt boring as i tot seein the length lol. The truth is, 1 can do a lot of things for love and only realise that after the rltnshp. There r tyms wen holding on is just a waste of time thinking the person will change. 4 me, its not abt an abusive rltshp but being in a rltnshp n compromising with urself. i dated a guy who didnt have dreams or ambitions doing nothing to anticipate for the future i treid talking to him to further his education n all that to no avail. we both loved each oda but i had to let go, i cant afford to marry a lazy man. am ambitious n nid sm1 with bigger dreams. am single n happy just want to tk my time time in getting into another. such a beautiful write up.

    • camair babe September 28, 2013 at 12:37 PM

      Nice write up. I went also meant 4 me……

    • camair babe September 28, 2013 at 12:37 PM

      Nice write up. It went also meant 4 me…..

    • camair babe September 28, 2013 at 12:39 PM

      *was*

      • Amaka September 29, 2013 at 5:41 PM

        Lol I get it, hehe, typo is allowed,especially on emotional topics like this.

    • Owo Lee September 29, 2013 at 10:09 AM

      @H’s boo, if u don’t trust the guy, Y still holding on such a person? Don’t u think u cud be more unhappy with such a person esp. If he’s not the romantic type….

    • Tosin September 30, 2013 at 10:01 PM

      I hold on a lot hahaha. Also let go a lot. Cheating vs Abuse: not saying cheat but whatever joo. But abuse no never not happening. Don’t think I could take someone being rude, inconsiderate, or like raising his/her voice sha, that’s called an asshole not a friend/partner. X. Xed. Next. I don’t like lies, but most people lie, that’s more the person’s problem than mine. Not necessarily cause to start sweating.

    • Amiphat October 2, 2013 at 8:34 PM

      @Gogo, that was pretty mean. @Madam Dearest, I am LOLing @ “I made sure I ate my breakfast every morning” and fanning yourself.

      To every woman who feels this can “never happen to me” I just have to say, “she who stands should take heed lest she falls”.

      My Bestie is currently being emotionally abused by her “Dear Husband” and father of her kids. I watched her transform from the happy-go-lucky-take-no-prisoners-call-bullshit girl of my University days to a quiet(ish) Mum always second-guessing herself and letting the crap her Husband dishes out, get to her. (Na woman wey get 2 Masters, wey don travel the world oh….).

      Abuse can happen ANYWHERE and women need to support each other and be a listening ear. I do not want to hear my friend slit her wrists one day, so I will always be there to support her NO MATTER what her decisions are.

      Its not easy.

      • Amaka October 4, 2013 at 12:21 PM

        At all sister, God bless you as u support her, its really about support because you won’t really know how it hurts until you experience almost the same thing. We should always try to support each other and try not to judge because I for one never knew that I would swallow a trailer load of bullshit from a man, talk more of begging a man to love me, we all learn from experience and if you have non judgemental friends who can support, it will go a long way to speed up the healing process. #udo!

    • Troubled girl October 7, 2013 at 11:17 AM

      Indecision is the worst thing that can happen to anybody.better a bad decision than no decision.im presently in a bad place in my life.im caught in the middle of two guys.i love one more but the other one is loyal and kind.i can’t seem to let one go.i wish they were one person.call me selfish but this is how it is.i get drained sometimes.im tired really!i just need to make a decision.i really don’t know what to do.i need an older Godly frank lady to give me advice.be harsh if you may but pls be honest.Thank You

    • MC hammer November 9, 2013 at 2:28 PM

      Hmmm.@troubledgirl..Here we go again.. 1 girl.2 guys.s.i
      love one more but the other one is loyal and kind…Quite
      surprising dat d loyal n kind one is done u luv less(ok may be not
      sosurprising u r a woman lol…). Get a grip on urself b4 i whop ur
      behind..SMH..