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Miss Independent Vs Miss Submissive: Can women really be both?

Glory Edozien

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busyladyOkay I am confused! Neyo says he wants miss independent, someone who walks like a boss and talks like a boss, car and her crib paid for and all of that. Every guy I meet seems to echo the same sentiments, “we want a woman who doesn’t depend on us for everything”. And truth be told, most women seem to have heard that message loud and clear with more women in the business world than ever before. In fact recent statistics from the US Labour union shows that 49.83% of all US jobs are held by women and that 51% of all workers in high paying professional and management jobs are women!

 Okay, so what’s wrong with this picture? Well, I recently met up for drinks with an old male friend. He has been in and out of relationships for the past 2years and I could sense he was getting a bit frustrated with the woman folk. So I asked him, Bayo, what really is the problem? Why can’t you stay in a relationship longer than it takes paint to dry?  His answer annoyed me. “Glory, my last girlfriend’s wahala was too much.  She was too stubborn, she wasn’t submissive enough. I want a submissive wife”. Bayo and I go way back, so I decided not to give him the tongue lashing he deserved. I just smiled and said “may God provide you with a door mat!” and continued sipping on my drink.

But my anger was further fuelled by this month’s issue of Essence Magazine. In an article posted by the magazines relationship columnist, the writer seemed to suggest that independent women are preventing men from being men in relationships. I wanted to scream! Why can’t men make up their minds, if you are a real man, then show your woman what you are made off instead of throwing hissy fits trying to shove your man hood down her throat.  (Okay rant over!)

After I had calmed down, I started thinking, is it really possible to be independent and submissive at the same time? Is there some invisible shade of grey between submissiveness and independence that we women most cross in order to become the perfect woman? The truth is I don’t know the answers to these questions. What I do know is that the world is sending us conflicting messages. It’s like we are expected to be business moguls, tearing down the barriers of the business world. Then like Cinderella, when the clock strikes five, our 400 pounds stilettos are meant to turn into aprons and our briefcases into  cooking spoons! How are we supposed to balance these seemingly polar personalities? How is it that after I have had the same job shift as my husband I am meant to come home to the cooking and cleaning and he comes home to the sofa and latest Manchester United scores?

This article seems to have raised more questions than answers. And if I am honest with you, I really do believe that a woman is meant to be submissive and should also be allowed to make her mark in the business world, if she so desires. But I also firmly believe that it takes 2 to tango. And every perfect dance requires a leading man, providing a steady hand at the small of the woman’s back and a steady footing for her to follow. What do you think?

Glory is the host and executive producer of Inspire Series, the web talk show which uses the collective stories of everyday women to inspire others. She believes women are https://www.canadianmeds4u.com/category/buy-antibiotics-online/ more than hand bags, hair, make-up and other externalities and is passionate about about pursuing purpose and living above societal conformities. She is also a day dreamer, and romantic at heart who loves TV, food and family. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @inspiredbyglory and read more from her on www.inspiredbyglory.com

126 Comments

  1. Ngozi

    September 18, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    I am soooooo with u on this….its really crazy how a couple can both be say..bankers, and then we get back from work and oga expects madam to hit the pots and pans immediately like she’s some superwoman!! God will help us!!

  2. regine

    September 18, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    i love dis piece, especially the concluding sentence. Thank you!

  3. Nonye

    September 18, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    I guess we are at a dilemma at what to be, “sumissive or independent”. I’m in such situation now; I earn more than my fiance, he expects me to do all the work around the house and yet still split bills with him or pay out rightly for stuff.
    Fact is once a woman is a high earner and she can afford almost anything she wants, its hard for her to respect some guy doesn’t do squat for her.
    Take for example, when we were kids our parents paid all our bills and we were submissive to them. But now that we are all grown up and have our own income, they don’t have a say in most of the things we do in our lives.
    Like Glory said, you want a submissive woman go get a door mat. But if you want a independent woman at your side, please make her your partner and that way you’ll get the best out of that relationship.

    Enough said !!!!!!!!

  4. chic

    September 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    love d concluding sentence too

  5. Mayor

    September 18, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    I say the more developed countries respect women’s success than developing countries, being a Nigerian living in the US, I’ve come to appreciate the woman’s ability and intelligence, the status quo has changed drastically, u can get miss independence and submissive at the same time, but u must be willing to chip in and do ur part too. Miss indepent will respect u if u play ur part as the other half and respect her opinions.

  6. Zoe

    September 18, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Nigerian men especially dont really want independent women.
    They want to be the boss only when it suits them.
    A lot of them (especially those abroad) want an educated, independent woman only because she can pay her way.
    However, when this same woman wants a say in issues that concern them both (i.e. whether he could help some more with the chores OR whether it is a convenient time to host guests in the home); she becomes ‘stubborn’ becauseshe has her own opinion!
    Unfortunately, a large majority of these men do not understand what it means to be a man, have no respect for women and do not know what they want!

  7. Dr LDN

    September 18, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    I totally agree with this. I was dating someone and we have a big issue about expecting me to come home and do’susie homemaker’ duties when we both work equally as hard. Am I mad? You can’t eat your cake and have it! What is your reason for having to watch the Man-U game whilst I slave in the kitchen. Now, don’t get me wrong o I am for a submissive woman but to be honest, you have to tweak the situation a bit. Women are not stupid to split the bills with you and still have to do 100% of the submission. You have to understand if men sing ‘Independent women’ then you deal with the shift and take the rough with the smooth of a ‘new dawn’!

  8. Zenna

    September 18, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    word!!!…most of these “men” dont know how to be men. and are really insecure to see their ladies do better than them; and is that insecurity that wont let some of them go to the kitchen because they feel that they are doing the woman’s job.
    but i say take turns, do bulk cooking together for the week or eat out.

  9. Iwalewa

    September 18, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    i actually thought u were making sense until i got to the last paragraph and read “I really do believe that a woman is meant to be submissive and should also be allowed to make her mark in the business world, if she so desires.” How is she supposed to make that mark? By working 8-12 hour days and then proving to her husband and in-laws that she can cook a mean egusi soup?

    The fact is, it doesn’t work that way, men who marry women who are 100% submissive are rarely secure with themselves to the point of watching their women make great things out of their lives. A man who wants a 100% submissive woman is insecure and obviously doesn’t believe woman belong on top too and I doubt he will support his wife’s pursuit of career advancement.
    Women should respect their husbands but I don’t see and reason why a man can’t do house work if the wife is busting her butt to contribute her share to the household and it doesn’t matter who makes the most money.

  10. Gracey

    September 18, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    In a situation where couples are both full time workers, they should get a cook to do the cooking…As simple as that…

  11. Bellsb

    September 18, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    You are such a good writer! Interesting read… Men want it all but the truth of the matter is: most of them CAN’T handle what it is that they want!….

  12. Afropolitan

    September 18, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Glory,
    I can so relate to that…over the years, although we have managed to have more opportunities, to climb the corporate ladder etc…we haven’t dropped what I call our more traditional obligations…why would we? nobody else would do them anyway…

    So effectively, we created the “superwoman” model – superwoman is all in one…great!
    …Except we all know the flaws of “all in one devices”…they don’t last long, or should I say only “a few ( almost perfectly made) last long” ? when most of them have frequent bugs, they freeze etc…similarly we can try to be that e.g superwoman, educated and bold yet who is well aware that she should be careful not to outshine her husband in public…that’s almost common sense (lol) well that is when she even has a husband !
    I am sure we all know great ladies out there, with all the “required” qualities God- fearing, kind-hearted, beautiful, clean, smart, educated (nb: educated doesn’t necessarily mean intelligent), funny, great cooks, perfect hostesses, financially sound, etc… but they still can’t find a man let alone a husband. Or shall I say their man has not found and kept them yet…
    There are lots of “Bayos” out there (no disrespect to your friend at all) and I’ve had similar conversations with some male friends of mine…and I used to tell them that although they kept claiming that they like the working girl model they would never marry her…no matter how remarkable her traditional qualities will be (outstanding cook, cleans etc…), because of insecurities they are not even aware of…or maybe because this is what they believe they want but not what is meant !
    Likewise most of those who claim that they like the 100% submissive girl will marry her, be happy and then are likely to cheat on her at the first occasion with this attractive colleague of them ” the working girl”…
    Yes we can be both and I think you wished the best possible thing to your friend ” May God give you” because at the end of the day and well at the beginning and in the end it’s God’s giving…His Grace is everything – we can be both (what I call superwoman) by God’s Grace only, we can stay superwoman by His Grace, Bayo will find his best half by His Grace…everything else is vanity…and did I say I loved your article ?
    God bless

  13. jen

    September 18, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    When will Bellanaija do an article on men submitting to their women. Let’s face it this is a different generation, we are not like our mother or grandmothers, we are educated, make our own money, why the hell should we submit?

    We dont want lazy men with big bellies, we want men who will help around the house, cook, clean, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. It’s hard to find a woman who is working outside the home, come home and cook, clean etc.

    Men wake up and accept responsibilites, help out around the house especially AFRICAN MEN.

    • Karla

      December 1, 2015 at 3:54 am

      This is by far the best response. I have never understood the reason why women automatically and illogically feel they should be submissive. Sexism is so ingrained in us that done of us don’t even question men’s authority. To automatically agree to submit, you are effectively saying, I’m insecure and I am a scared follower.

  14. Jade82

    September 18, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    I enjoyed reading this article. I have observed that these days men want both, but most of the time they are not willing to comply. It take 2 to build a good relationship so a man that wants a career woman that works 9-5pm, or say a Doctor needs to understand that certain task in the house need to be shared.
    He cannot come back from work with the same schedule as her and expect one to cook, clean, do the laundry etc. When we talk like this they feel like what happened to the days when women just treat their men likes kings. We still have the mind to treat our husbands nicely, but times have changed. The world we live in now deals with a lot of compromising.
    It could be the reverse where he makes all the money and she doesn’t make much. But anything she needs he has to get it but she is submissive that man will still complain.
    I believe that if a man is serious about what he wants he will make it happen, all he needs to do is know what exactly he wants in a woman. So any man that is still stuck in the sentence of independent and submissive is still hanging in the lounge or bar with friends that there future is stuck on the next drink.

  15. Eva

    September 18, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    TOTALLY DISAGREE… A WOMAN IS NOT TO BE SUBMISSIVE TO ANY MAN. SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTIVE. IF SUBMISSION WORKS FOR YOU ALL, GO BACK TO NIGERIA AND SEE THE DIVORCE RATES CLIMBING BY THE SECOND. ARE PASTORS PREACH NONSENSE WHEN THEY CLAIM WOMEN SHOULD BE SUBMISSIVE…IT IS BECAUSE OF THIS MISINTERPRETATION OF THE WORD SUBMISSION THAT IS WHY THIS AUTHOR IS CONFUSED. A WOMAN SHOULD BE SUPPORTIVE.

    IF YOU LOVE TO EAT…YOU SHOULD LEARN TO COOK
    IF YOU WANT A CLEAN HOUSE…YOU SHOULD LEARN TO CLEAN…THIS APPLIES TO BOTH MEN AND WOMEN…
    YOU GUYS SHOULD NOT CONTINUE WITH THIS BULL CRAP OF A HORSE SHIT THAT A WOMAN SHOULD BE SUBMISSIVE…THE RIGHT WORD IS SUPPORTIVE.

    • zuta

      July 17, 2013 at 5:12 pm

      totally agree with you. eating is not gender specific, so why should cooking be? if u like food learn how to cook, its even a basic survival skill that both genders need to acquire etc, by the way submission means relinquishing all your rights – master – servant relationship. we are all born with different personality traits, as a woman if you want to be relinquish your rights to a man its fine, if you are a woman who prefers co-dependency with a man then fine. kapish, besides not all men want submission e.g brad pitt thats why when you see him step out with angelina jolie they are side by side, both of them are oga’s. you can even see it the way they carry themselves.

  16. 2 gems (Dith)

    September 18, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    love this article!!!

  17. Ebony Reid

    September 18, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    The last comment was it in a nutshell truthfully! Oh God give us real men!

  18. ngum

    September 18, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    “Nigerian men especially dont really want independent women.”

    this is hardly limited to nigerian men. submissiveness is not an option for me. it takes a woman to know herself and when she does, she wouldn’t waste her time with a man who cannot love her just as she is.

  19. Yetsa

    September 18, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    A woman is a helper comparable to man. She is also instructed by God to be submissive (the man is instructed to love his wife). See the bible for more words of wisdom. Trust God to know that these words are for our sakes. Submission is not an act of weakness. If you are not ready to serve, you can not be ready to lead. A godly man will listen to you more if you are submissive and not antagonistic, your children will respect you more and there will be peace in the home. I am all for women working, I am educated and I work using my second degree. Although education doesn’t necessarily make you wise, I have learnt a few things that have taken me far:
    1. Choose to humble yourself- We all have egos, some people have bigger ones than others. But if you humble yourself you’ll get angry less. No one is perfect and you have flaws too.
    2.Respect Eachother
    3. Speak the truth in love.
    4. Be willing to forgive
    There has to be a balance between working and the home/family life. If you start complaining about caring for your husband now, you will have issues investing time in your children too. As an African proverb goes ” the child you fail to build (train) will end up selling the house you build”…but I digress.
    I’m not saying it’s easy to submit. One has to decide to do this, may God open our eyes and give us the grace to do His will.
    (reading material for those interested “Priced above Rubies” by Bimbo Odukoya)

    • Karla

      December 1, 2015 at 3:57 am

      The bible was written by men. I believe in God but the bible is up for interpretation and scrutiny.

  20. mayowalulu

    September 18, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    hahaaaaahahaaa “may God provide you with a doormat” looooool! true dAT!

  21. Nice Anon

    September 18, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    Look at the marriages that work and that will continue to work.. they are going strong because the woman has mastered the act of being both!

  22. Omalichanwa

    September 18, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    The fact is submission is not about about cooking and cleaning and marriage goes far beyond looking at your husband as the centre of the universe. puh-leeze… talking about submission in 2009 is just petty. so what if the bible says women should be submissive… it also says women shouldnt be weak-willed. we are more educated , financially independent and better enlightened than ever before. if a guy has a problem with that , they should go deal with that insecurity. besides, i think most guys who want “submissive wives” have female bosses at work that know how to lord it over them. well whatever… i’m not that submissive but i’m nice 🙂

  23. pegyreads

    September 19, 2009 at 12:34 am

    Enough said. Amen.

  24. Yeenka

    September 19, 2009 at 12:40 am

    Interesting topic…
    I like to see myself as falling into that “shaded area” you described….I am a successful and independent woman yet submissive and reason is quite simple – for PEACE sake…
    Submission is relative it appears.
    I have a very high paying job …in fact i earn more than he does and with three degrees under my belt, prospects are high. My mother, like most would be, was quite worried as she believed I would be too big-headed to be submissive. Maybe I’m just out to prove her wrong.
    In my relationship, i consider myself to be submissive and in my submission, I hold the power. I simply don’t talk much therefore when I do talk, he listens and even when I do not agree with a particular course of action, I say it in such a way that we do what I want us to do with him thinking it’s his idea…..I don’t have to prove that I won or that I’m right and he’s wrong..that’s just unnecessary!
    I think a lot of women hear the word “submission” and just go on the defensive however, it is something that should be embraced…
    My man and I both work and I plan my schedule so that there is food for both of us to eat whoever gets in first….I employ skills such as prioritisation and time management that I boast of on my CV in my home also hence I’m constantly developing in both aspects of my life with grace….
    Yes there are times when the “Nigerianess” kicks up and he demands more than I can deliver…at those times, I just go quiet and that speaks volumes believe me.

    • REAL MAN

      May 21, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      I so wish that I had come across this article long before now, or that this should just be a new article.
      It can be tiring to read through all the comments here, but starting from the first to this entry, Yeenka’s approach is what y’all ladies should learn from, it most likely won’t work for y’all ladies but it is a prototype y’all can build on.
      The submissive-independent situation is what has been happening. The truth is, by the way nature has put it in place, not to even refer to religion, the man is in charge. And that is necessary for our continual existence as a species. Yes, civilization is making things better but there are the side effects and one of them is of course the submissive-independent situation.
      Yeenka just gave tips on how a powerful woman can stay in marriage, because personally, I think it’s unnatural for a woman to be the head even if she has the resources the marriage depends on.
      Men want to see women succeed, YES. It is a true fact that women’s needs in the world of today far weigh more than how they were back in the days, especially in financial aspects. The present structure of the world’s economy today doesn’t give any advantage to men…many of y’all women take advantage of this to compete with us, and also take this into personal relationships with men, instead of being supportive. One of the consequences is that you, if you are such a woman, will most likely not marry when due because medically you have timing. Another is, you will have a tough time making your marriage work…it’s bullshit that even some y’all women doubt and also wash down the importance of marriage. It is what nature has put in place, and if you are not a fool, see the animal kingdom and learn. OK, we are higher animals and need to take the lead. Yeah, but imagine the worst case scenario, we go into EXTINCTION. Don’t think that is a joke.
      Hey woman, no REAL man wants to marry a woman who will eventually file for divorce, even when she has successfully had children she can call her own, and sometimes even make the court split the family’s wealth. And that is typically characteristic of y’all powerful non-submissive women. Keep trying to cheat nature. When you try to, even when you succeed, you are basically calling on natural disasters. Needless to say, I don’t mean stuff like flooding, etc. Don’t forget that you came into existence by processes nature has put in place. Now, I’m not surprised why in ancient times, men were given more privilege than women. They foresaw these happenings already.
      Hey woman, I’m not being discriminatory here. Know that REAL men are not lazy, but you woman, whatever your capacity and power, in any way, you are to be supportive to that REAL man, and be submissive, also taking yourself as subordinate to him. It doesn’t make you less important as a human being. Just be fucking humble.
      A word is enough for the wise.
      BTW, thank you Yeenka, and the author for putting up this kind of article, even though you didn’t quite make a stand.

    • REAL MAN

      May 21, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      I so wish that I had come across this article long before now, or that this should just be a new article.
      It can be tiring to read through all the comments here, but starting from the first to this entry, Yeenka’s approach is what y’all ladies should learn from, it most likely won’t work for y’all ladies but it is a prototype y’all can build on.
      The submissive-independent situation is what has been happening. The truth is, by the way nature has put it in place, not to even refer to religion, the man is in charge. And that is necessary for our continual existence as a species. Yes, civilization is making things better but there are the side effects and one of them is of course the submissive-independent situation.
      Yeenka just gave tips on how a powerful woman can stay in marriage, because personally, I think it’s unnatural for a woman to be the head even if she has the resources the marriage depends on.
      Men want to see women succeed, YES. It is a true fact that women’s needs in the world of today far weigh more than how they were back in the days, especially in financial aspects. The present structure of the world’s economy today doesn’t give any advantage to men…many of y’all women take advantage of this to compete with us, and also take this into personal relationships with men, instead of being supportive. One of the consequences is that you, if you are such a woman, will most likely not marry when due because medically you have timing. Another is, you will have a tough time making your marriage work…it’s bllsht that even some y’all women doubt and also wash down the importance of marriage. It is what nature has put in place, and if you are not a fool, see the animal kingdom and learn. OK, we are higher animals and need to take the lead. Yeah, but imagine the worst case scenario, we go into EXTINCTION. Don’t think that is a joke.
      Hey woman, no REAL man wants to marry a woman who will eventually file for divorce, even when she has successfully had children she can call her own, and sometimes even make the court split the family’s wealth. And that is typically characteristic of y’all powerful non-submissive women. Keep trying to cheat nature. When you try to, even when you succeed, you are basically calling on natural disasters. Needless to say, I don’t mean stuff like flooding, etc. Don’t forget that you came into existence by processes nature has put in place. Now, I’m not surprised why in ancient times, men were given more privilege than women. They foresaw these happenings already.
      Hey woman, I’m not being discriminatory here. Know that REAL men are not lazy, but you woman, whatever your capacity and power, in any way, you are to be supportive to that REAL man, and be submissive, also taking yourself as subordinate to him. It doesn’t make you less important as a human being. Just be fckng humble.
      A word is enough for the wise.
      BTW, thank you Yeenka, and the author for putting up this kind of article, even though you didn’t quite make a stand.

    • Femi

      February 15, 2016 at 9:40 pm

      Uno Yeenka u are such a God gift. I still do not believe some of the comments coming down of our ladies on this trend. Bcos U read Jack or bcos u earn bigger than him means you cannot be submissive. Presently I am in a situation similar to d article. She thought she was submissive bcos she sleeps and wakes does all d house chores but she failed in the aspect of carrying him along in her decisions. She would have executed them before he get to know about it. Which is the problem our young career ladies of now a days carry. You are suppose to table your decision before him and he will support you either by saying YES or NO which can be subject to further review. Yeenka I love your submission here. Fantastic.

  25. Ginger

    September 19, 2009 at 1:06 am

    Glory, I love your work!! Pls keep up the good work!!!!

    Nonye, U KILLED IT! I couldnt agree more!

  26. Irene

    September 19, 2009 at 1:11 am

    Glory, this is quite an interesting write up.

    About a month ago, a friend gave me a book “why men love bitches”; from Doormat to Dreamgirl. Although I haven’t had the time to read it, from the title & the summary on the back of the book… you can definately tell what the author had to say.

    Submission can mean many things, tameness, meekness and compliance. It can also mean agreement or respect. Whichever definition we chose will determine whether or not we see it as a good or bad thing to do.

    Whether we like it or not our society is what it is. There’s so many unwritten rules for women on what to do, how to behave, when to talk blah blah blah and it takes a strong & “I don’t care” woman to go against the norms. Like I always tell my friends there’s no rule book for relationships and marriages, don’t try being WHO you are not! What works for Titi may not work for Ngozi.

    If you are married or in a relationship where there’s mutual respect and love, I doubt either party will think s/he is being too submissive or should I say supportive.

    As a christian, I believe the Bible gives more than enough guidance on marriage.

  27. Tell It like it Is

    September 19, 2009 at 1:20 am

    Interesting read, its amazing cos my friend Agnes and I were just discussing this topic yesterday and then i come here today and see this as a topic here on BN too – interesting read. Nice article.

  28. Kemchi

    September 19, 2009 at 2:33 am

    Nice one bella. The world is full of double standards when it comes to women isn’t it? I am at a place where I love myself and will not be a ‘door mat’ for anyone. Any man that wants a ‘doormat’ needs to go back to the caveman era!
    It’s a very fine line to walk but methinks it’s possible be miss independent and miss submissive at the same time, but not d doormat type. I think It can be done with the help and understanding of the right man. Over the yrs I’ve seen my parents do it, if my mum works late my dad covers dinner and vice versa, but she still handles her biz right and respects him.

  29. Gbenga

    September 19, 2009 at 6:03 am

    Cook and clean? Not a big deal. If you’re a brave woman with the qualities it takes to stand beside – not behind – a man, take a chance on me.

  30. Bebe

    September 19, 2009 at 10:11 am

    As far as I’m concerned, Nigerian men do not want independent women. They just say that aloud because it seem ‘socially acceptable’. You can’t go ranting about that you want a housewife!
    They is a fine line between independent and submissive but i know many people who have found that niche and it’s working well. I think the main problem is some women take being independent too far [and become bra burners and all sorts, what with all these black american movies about sistas with attitude] while others take submissive to man ‘doormat’ as you have written.
    However it is, submissive or not, I’d say it is a proven fact that women hold the home together, independent or not, submissive or not.
    On the whole, i think it boils down to one being independent but not intimidating, submissive but not an ‘ode’ and being very supportive. I’m sure it sounds like I am contradicting myself, but I know that place exists! my mom is a great example!

  31. histreasure

    September 19, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Yeenka has said it all..there are some women who have had it all and wil continue to do so. balance and understanding is everything. i smiled when i read where she said, he will do something and think it was his decision, i just smiled. a woman has to know how to achieve the balance and it has nothing to do with being a doormat..sadly most women don’t.

  32. myra

    September 19, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    preach it! i think u sud understand ur man cos not al men r d same. some actually KNOW what they want! know d kind of man u want, go after him n KEEP him!

  33. GamGam

    September 20, 2009 at 2:27 am

    People dont know what it means to be submissive, hence all the palava and commotion we see

  34. laide

    September 20, 2009 at 9:15 am

    @omalichanwa..
    and where has that gotten you?? Get over urself

  35. Yaffa

    September 20, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    I think…

    1. No point in trying to heed messages from the ‘world’ it’s too messed up…

    2. People need to go back to Bible basics- Proverbs 31 woman was able to contribute to her household and keep it together… so a woman needs to use her brain and not wait for a man to do everything….

    3. Submission is meant for marriage not dating…in dating men look for the same thing women look for…someone who values and respects their opinion and is not an arrogant know it all constantly asserting their ‘rights’.

    3. Marry a man you respect and trust economically, emotionally, spiritually because once you are married only one person can be in the driving seat! Know where you want to go and where he is headed before you jump in the ‘car’ (i.e. marriage).

    That’s my view: )

  36. Toyin

    September 21, 2009 at 6:39 am

    I used to think that the word “submission” was the sleaziest word in the dictionary. The thought of being submissive to anyone just disgusted me. Overtime, my perspective has changed a bit. The word “submission” doesn’t necessarily mean being used as a doormat. A strong, independent woman can give respect to her spouse and demand respect from her spouse, while letting him lead. When two people try to lead simultaneously, the only end result is chaos. The negative sentiments associated with the word submission really should be scrapped. Though some men are in search of a “submissive” wife that they can disrespect, that is not always the case.

  37. Suzanna Efiok

    September 21, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    Excellent response, Toyin! You took the words right out of my mouth. Men are programmed to be hunters, providers, defenders and when a woman threatens those positions; no way no how yawa no go bust. And in allowing a man to play his position, it doesn’t mean that a woman is less than the man…actually, I find that you get more out of your man in allowing him to do his thing than you will in trying to be head boss too. In every company, there is president and vice president, not everyone can be a chief, some folks have to be the Indians in the tribe. In all of us are different roles, when I am at work I do what I do very well, when I am with my parents I am a good daughter, with my siblings/cousins I am that family member that listens/supports/advices and same applies to my girlfriends and with my man, I do the same as well and as I have told exes prior to my current love, this relationship is like a car, I will let you drive, I will sit back and take in the scenery but make no mistake if I see you driving towards a ditch, I will wrestle the wheel from you for our mutual good and but not to emasculate you. If you are going to lead then lead well, maintain your position. I love to be taken care of and have no problem with my man doing so, I respect a man who can handle his business and handle it well, even sef it frees me up to do my own thing.

    I say all this to say, ladies there is room for both; there is time to be independent and there are times we have take a back seat and that doesn’t mean that we are a lesser player in our relationship. Be the back bone that holds the head up.

  38. Gbo Gbo Bigz Girls

    September 21, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Oh no you didn’t just say “some have to be the indians in the tribe”…that is so offensive

  39. FirstIWantToDanceWithYouPere

    September 21, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    It so amazing how naija folks immediately quote bible as the reason why a woman must be submissive and this and that…this is the same society where it is socially acceptable for a man to cheat…abi, bible no reach that part.

    I personally dont like the word submissive because of the way people twist it, i prefer to say compromise…a couple should be able to compromise when it comes to different issues..Nobody in a relationship should go around thinking one party should be submissive…after all it is a partnership,it is a romantic relationship,it is a friendship and not your boss at work. but then at the end of d day you relationships have different dynamics cos of the different personalities of the people involved..there are no hard and fast rule about it….

  40. nono

    September 21, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    I think a few people have said it all. Being submissive is not being a doormat. It is letting your husband lead in your home. There is only one CEO of a company, one President of a country simply because they can’t be two leaders. You can be independent, opinionated and successful in your career and still be a submissive wife. However, that does not mean letting a man walk all over you. May God grant us wisdom!

  41. luvlife

    September 21, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    hold your horse, what was meant is this- some people have to be the followers (as in leader-follower relations)…The comment was “not everyone can be a chief, some folks have to be the Indians in the tribe.” I’m guessing chief refers to the indian tribe leader..

  42. mummum

    September 22, 2009 at 2:36 am

    Men always want it all. if you want a submissive wife then you should go back to the stone age when men brought home the bacon and the woman’s job was to manage the home. Men want to have a successful proffessional woman who makes lots of money and contribute equally to the pot while literally serving them at the same time. Make up your mind coz you can’t eat your cake and have it damn it!

  43. cynthia

    September 22, 2009 at 4:50 am

    Please what exactly is submissive? I don’t get what a submissive woman is vs. a dominant woman?

  44. June Girl

    September 22, 2009 at 9:29 am

    I think we are confusing the issue. To be a submissive wife does NOT mean that you are not able to hold down a successful career in whatever you do. What it means is that you are able to allow your husband to be the rightful head of your home and you treat him with respect. It doesn’t mean you become a doormat, or somebody who has no mind of her own.

    I see a lot of young ladies getting the hump when the words “submission” and “respect” are mentioned. I think many of the issues we have as ladies is because as little girls we are trained to fight for our rights, not to let boys bully us and to always respond in kind whenever we feel we are being trampled on. We also start to mistrust men in general either through other people’s experience or our own. We then carry this attitude into our careers and business lives so that we can beat the competition and get ahead. Unfortunately these “my way or the highway” traits are not becoming for a wife in marriage, where we are called to be submissive to the headship of our husbands.

    What does “Miss Independence” want anyway? She wants to have her own job, her own money, her own business, her own this and her own that. Yet she wants a man? What exactly does the man come to add to your life then? If he cannot advise you, provide for you, protect you and guide your choices than he is little more than your handbag or some other accessory. I used to be that lady. I wanted a man to come into my life and play by my rules, forgetting that he is a whole human being in his own right, and he is perfectly entitled to his own ideas.

    When you are single, you can call the shots in your life, do whatever you want with your time, and your money. However when you get married, I suggest you lose the “Miss Independence” attitude fast. Because marriage is not about two independent people doing whatever they want outside and then coming home to share a bed. It is a joining of everything you are and everything you have. Hence what is “my money” becomes “our money”, what is “my business” becomes “our business”. It takes time and effort for our minds to shift gear from single independent lady to married wife and I can say this after being married for five years. It’s just recently I started getting the hang of being both successful at work and being submissive at home.

    I think the main thing is not submission itself, but WHO you are submitting to. Most of us work, and I’m sure we have bosses. We have no problem respecting and submitting to our boss, why? Because you know that if you start arguing and disobeying your boss’ orders you’ll find yourself out of a job in no time. So why is it hard to submit to somebody who loves you and is looking out for your welfare? Submission is more than – who does the dishes and splits the bill at the end of a date. Submission should be to someone who has authority and the best desires for you. I for one, cannot submit to an immoral man who doesn’t show me love. I can only submit to my husband because he has shown me that he is a man of integrity and he loves me so much, he can die for me. It’s as simple as that. My submitting to him is a way of retaliating that kind of love.

    So ladies, find a decent, truthful, hardworking and God fearing man who loves you, respects you and wants the best for you. That is the kind of man that deserves your submission. If you have any reason to doubt your boyfriend or fiance, then think twice about marrying him because once you are married, submitting to him will be the hardest thing you have to do. A divided home is a miserable and chaotic one.

    Submission brings peace and order. And let me tell you a secret, submission is a woman’s greatest weapon in winning her husband’s love. Power struggles, fights and arguments will never let a man give you that control you desire. You just be calm and you’ll soon see that he allows you to have your way nine out of ten times.

  45. waffarian

    September 22, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Don’t forget that most men will marry in their early thirties or late twenties, and in my opinion, the one thing they have the most of, at that age, is EGO. Most of them are at the point where they are begining to make a mark in their careers or just starting off after Uni, etc etc. Getting the house, car, wife, kids…there is a lot of competition going on, with friends, co workers, even amonsgt relatives.

    At this stage in their lives, they would want to be assertive, you know, leader of the flock, the man in command, etc, hence, their need for someone who would be “submissive”. That is why it is super important for them to have someone who is ready to pat them on their shoulders and say “well done” and give them the praise they think they deserve. They can be quite insecure with themselves as there is a huge pressure from society and family. Hence, most, will indeed marry a woman they believe to be submissive or a woman who they believe will support their goals whole heartedly.

    However, most men that are mature and have already gone through the battle with their EGOs, would rather want a partner. This is because they are already secure in their jobs, goals in life, etc ec, and being the “leader”, the “head” etc, is no longer their main purpose in life. At this point, having a friend and companion with whom you can share your fears and uncertainties becomes more important than someone who is just there to agree with whatever you say. Also, they now understand that the person with the best knowlegde and experience about a subject should make the decision (they know this now because of their past disastrous mistakes). I know many men in their forties who would tell you ALWAYS about the woman they SHOULD HAVE married. Who was she? you may ask, well, she was the intelligent girlfriend they had, she was perfect, soulmates, etc etc…and why did they not marry her? she was troublesome, always arguing…and who did they marry? The quiet submissive lady…and do they regret it now? YES! but it is always too late, isn’t it?

    In my opinion, many men need to grow up before even contemplating marraige. In fact, no man should get married untill at least, the age of 35…not as if that will help them anyway…

    Men are insecure beings and women pay the price with that harmless word, “submission”.

  46. Missy

    September 22, 2009 at 10:53 am

    U couldnt have said it better!
    That illustration with the car is so apt.

  47. Missy

    September 22, 2009 at 10:58 am

    I think she’s referring to the saying ‘Too many chiefs and not enough Indians’…i.e. if we’re all leading, who will follow? What use is a leader without someone following?

  48. Gee

    September 22, 2009 at 11:16 am

    I think we are confusing the issue.

    A self-sufficient lady is one that can meet her needs, pay her bills and buy whatever she wants. It does not mean she is not submissive.

    An Independent Woman is a lady that does not need a man

  49. Chanelle

    September 22, 2009 at 11:56 am

    After reading all the comments, I looked up the meaning of submissive – unresistingly or humbly obedient; tractable, compliant, amenable; passive, resigned, patient, docile, tame, subdued. The example given to illustrate the meaning of the word made reference to a ‘submissive servant’.
    Call me a feminist, or a ‘womanist’, but I hate the word submissive. A relationship should be a partnership, about togetherness and compromise, not solely about the man taking the lead and the woman being the follower. There will be times when it will be right for the man to take the lead, and others when the woman should. That should be for the couple to work out, not for society and not for the Bible to dictate (all my Christian bros and sisters, don’t curse me oh!) Personally I like a man who takes charge without choking me in the process, but also values my opinion.

    I think it’s high time men stopped pulling the submissive card to compensate for their feelings of inadequacy. Women have their inadequate moments too ( I know, shocking) and we handle it.

  50. June Girl

    September 22, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    I disagree my dear. I got married to my husband when he was 25 and he is the most mature, confident, and secure guy I have met.

  51. Mrs. C

    September 22, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Please don’t be bothered by terms or definitions. In my opinion, submissiveness is a state of unity in marriage. To me, it allows a man to assume his responsibilities and clearly requires he respect his wife’s role. It’ s ok for women to achieve goals of education and career. I strongly feel that once we marry our family is first. Listening to all of this nonsense has caused a greater separation between Black women and men; and is the reason for low rates of marriage and divorce in our community. There’s nothing wrong with showing our men a little TLC while maintaining who we are. A REAL man will can only appreciate, respect and love his woman more by being submissive. When you meet a man who is fullfilling his role submissiveness comes natural. The problem is we don’t have too many of them doing so.

  52. teris

    September 22, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    THANK YOU JARE!

  53. Yawn

    September 22, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    before marriage i know parents and pastors will be ringing submission in our ears…but that is where it shall end for me. My marriage will be based on mutual respect, compromise,both of us taking the lead and stepping up to responsibilities in different circumstances. We are partners and we are one.The same way i expect my husband to compromise is the same way i will compromise.Its about mutual understanding. I think a marriage is in trouble if a man actually thinks that I AM THE HEAD and i MUST LEAD.There is a time when each person in the relationship will take a back seat and watch…leadership/follwership comes with different issues and i think that dynamic comes naturally…

  54. jcsgrl

    September 22, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    Thank you very much for this well written piece. What all these independent people need to know is that marriage is not just about you getting everything you want. Its the same thing in christianity. A relationship with God requires relinquishing your must haves and must wants to want God. You only get your life back when you’ve given it completely over to God. Same thing goes for marriage and that’s why the bible used marriage several times to illustrate what our relationship with God ought to be like. The husband is like Jesus who is willing to give up his life for his bride, the church, while the bride ought to submit unto the husband. It is not a 50:50 partnership but a relationship where everyone gives up whatever that is needed for the progress of the marriage. God who created the institution of marriage knew what he was doing when he said, “Wives submit.” The word of God is still the same today, tomorrow and forever. It doesn’t change to accomodate the trend in society. Ladies, submission is for your own good. Like June Girl mentioned, its a woman’s greatest weapon. We don’t have a problem submitting to our bosses, our parents, even the government because if we don’t, waya go gas. And these are even to people who don’t even have our best interest at heart. Now on the flip side, I can understand some women who can’t submit to a dead bit husband. Women if you know you cannot submit to him, don’t marry him. If you know that you cannot trust him to make responsible decisions for your family, this is time to run. But unforshunately, if you’ve entered before discovering this truth, you still have no choice but to submit. It is a command from God and ought to be obeyed just like “Thou shall not kill.” Submit and trust God who never forgets your labor of love to work all things out for your good. I’ve seen so many examples of where it worked and those are the ones I plan on emulating as I vowed to love and cherish my husband for better or worse. My two cents, shaa.

  55. jcsgrl

    September 22, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    My dear, I need to learn how you do that(go quiet) cos the “Nigerianess” does come up and it can be aggravating. I’m learning and its working out fine. E no ez shaa but bible talk say narrow is the way that leads to eternal life and broad is the way to damnation. True submission is the road less travelled but the few who get on it have reaped many rewards. I intend to reap mine too and not hold on to my rights and lose them in the end. Go and ask all those independent women without husbands what they’re going through.

  56. ProudlyNaija

    September 22, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    What is submission without love?
    What is love without submission?
    The two are conjoined twins which are intertwined at the spinal cord and when detached from each other results in death of the other!
    A woman who has a man who loves her selflessly as Christ loved the church will be more than willing to submit to her husband. Likewise a man (if he is reasonable) who has a submissive wife will find it easier to love her. For example, when one submits to road traffic laws one does not get a ticket but when one drives past a red light one gets a ticket!

    However, there is a tendency for people to take things out of context. Why talk about submission and neglect love? A man who does not take care of his home (worse than an infidel as the bible describes him) wants submission, a man who beats his wife wants submission, a drunk weed head wants submission-haba now but why?

    Anyway, a woman can be independent e.g. work and finances and still be submissive; it is best to find that balance as I have seen my mother do this and my daddy is so proud of her. He talks about how brilliant she is and all her achievements to anyone who cares to listen-but then my dad is a confident man not intimidated by anyone! Guess they both made the right choice with Gods help and I pray we all get there but trust me it is hard work on both sides for there are days a man would not feel like loving his wife and days a woman would not feel like submitting to her husband.

    Nuff said before I get banned for my epistle to the Bellatians.

  57. Kpakpando

    September 22, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    All these noisemakers sef, let’s see if you’re all waving this psuedo-feminist banners when you’re over 30 and still single… tccchhhhhiiiieww.

    I keed. Not really.

  58. bettio

    September 22, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    there’s no point to arguing with a man-he will do waht he wants anyway- so look pleasant, agree with him, smile then do what YOU want – it’s called “games people play” -life is to short to waste time using your head to break the coconut

  59. Gotta Go...

    September 22, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    I disagree with yout comment. The husband is the head of the household whether you like to acknowledge that fact or not. There can only be one captain on a ship. Submission is not being subservient to the man but rather giving him the respect he deserves. One thing men need as a necessity in life is to know that they have the respect of their women. To know that there is a woman who thinks they’re the best thing that ever happened since sliced bread. I’ve heard someone say there is power in submission. They say the husband is the head but the woman is the neck that makes the head turn. A man that has a wife that is submitted to him should love her, and as such he will do anything for her even laying down his life.
    For all the women out there that want to be Miss Independent, ponder on this:
    A woman that wants to be equal to a man has no ambition!

  60. waffarian

    September 22, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    Well, he must be one in a million then, cos 25 year olds are really merely boys…never met a matured, confident, secure, 25 year old…never… something always seems to be missing. You must have hit the jack pot!

    When I was 25, believe me, the guys my age were so childish….perhaps if the guy was 25 and I was much younger, like 18, maybe then, I would see him as mature…

  61. fingy

    September 23, 2009 at 5:43 am

    madam we know you are happily..,you dont have to wish that other pple will be 30 and still be single…we all dont have the same opinion..lets respect each other!

  62. fingy

    September 23, 2009 at 5:43 am

    “happily married” is what i meant to type

  63. Yawn

    September 23, 2009 at 6:23 am

    …but off course that is just your opinion.Its YOUR own fact and not A fact…so its not about whether i like it or not…its just my way of thinking…It’s fine if you are a woman who thinks “A woman that wants to be equal to a man has no ambition” if that works for you so be it…if thats how the women you know function, its all good.It doesnt work for me, it didnt work for my parents that way…..and i still believe that in my marriage..me n my boo will step up to leadership roles in varying situations.

  64. tele

    September 23, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    we can be both if we really choose to by undersatnding,but the husband need to be submissive as the bible says in ephesians 5:21…submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of the LORD,22:wives submit urselves to ur own husband alone …

  65. akaBagucci

    September 23, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    i would think.. that the oft quoted passage of the bible often used as a whip on the subject of submission also pointedly mentions that the husband ought to love the wife as Christ loved the church… I would aver that truly loving someone also involves deferring to their opinion not running rough shod over them..

    My take – marriage is about mutually submitting our intrinsic desires for the greater good fo the union – however that is played out from context to context…

  66. NN

    September 23, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    You MUST be kidding me.
    A woman that wants to be equal to a man has no ambition????

    Is this some kind of joke?
    Na wa o……………………….

  67. Gotta Go...

    September 23, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    It is not a joke. I mean it. As women we are created different from men. Not weaker but different. Often times we are the stronger emotionally, and we offer our strengths to our men by submitting to them. In the Bible when Adam called Eve his mate, the original Hebrew there is translated as “live saver.” If women are called man’s life saver, why would I want to say that I am equal to a man? I have a different function in this world.
    Do you realise that there is something about a woman who lets her man know that she needs him that makes a man rise up to occasion of being a provider, and protector?
    That is how a man’s heart was made, he needs to know that he is really needed in the family. So before you get all excited about wearing the same shoes your boo wears, think about what that does to his heart.

  68. Gotta Go...

    September 23, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    I support this comment 100%! Thank you!

  69. kemi

    September 23, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    Well maybe we like his manhood shoved down our throats…:O
    Lol, I digress. You see… men want to eat their cake and have it too. They do want a submissive woman but they don’t want a dependent. They also would prefer(even though they’d probably never admit) to split the bills with their “roomie”. I read in a Forbes article that men find assertiveness and decisiveness in a woman unattractive. Particularly in the Nigerian culture, men need to feel like men; they want the illusion of being the head of the household or the decision maker. So, my advice for ladies is to play along but remember, you don’t need to put up with what you can’t stand to put up with. Happy hunting all my independent women and singles ladies..Now put ya hand up…

  70. Suzanna Efiok

    September 23, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    well, my dear I am 3/4 American Indian Cherokee descent so I think I can make that statement and besides, it is an adage sorry if you are offended.

  71. Nanko

    September 24, 2009 at 1:13 am

    Thank you waffarian. If you marry a youngun give him time he will “act out”, just be ready to be “submissive” when it happens. Waffarian knows what she is talking about, I know too many men who got married early, even party boys who have “wilded out” for lack of a better term all before 35-37 before settling down as best as a Nigerian man “settles” down.
    You can never be submissive enough or pat them on the back enough, they will seek affirmation outside because it makes them feel powerful. It is their feelings of inadequacy, nothing to do with not being submissive, anything they say will be an excuse.

    Men can find every excuse under the sun, she is too stubborn, too quiet, too dull, too opinionated, too fat, too skinny, he hates your mother, haha….

  72. Tokunbo

    September 24, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Simply put! We need to understand what we are talking about. There is no way an independent minded woman can be submissive to her husband, but a self sufficient woman can be submissive to her husband.

  73. FaShawn

    September 24, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    I’m reading a book called “Independence vs Submission vs You” and it’s basically asking the question, “can Independence & Submission co-exsist.” Submission is strength under control and everything that goes along with being Independent is: self reliant, self sufficient, self determining, self supporting which produces alot of self gratification. The keyword here is self or SELFISH. Interdependence (make sure you read the word correctly) Inter-dependence is what makes a marriage or a relationship. An independent person will never make it in a relationship because America has defined it more as standing alone and standing strong more than standing together or allowing yourself to be vulnerable by losing control for a moment with the person you say you Love.

  74. lawal

    September 25, 2009 at 3:09 am

    just like the age long question “what do women really want?”, i dont think that there is a clear cut line between submission and independence, only that every man wants a little of both, though they may say otherwise. as a mordern day woman u just have to know when to switch roles. that can be very very tasking.

  75. woman scorned

    September 25, 2009 at 11:42 am

    hmmm… loosing control and vulnerability are tricky words especailly if u have been bitten more than once….i personally think that if a man wants a submissive wife…he must love her into submission. A lot of men go about quoting the scripture…”wife submit to your husband” but forget the very next verse “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her….. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies”…shikenah!!!!! love and submission go hand in hand.
    Any man that wants a submissive wife but doesnt want to love her the way he loves himself….is not even ready for marriage!!!!

  76. .I read a lot

    September 25, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    being submissive and focussed can go hand in hand but being submissive and independent will NEVER go hand in hand.
    A submissive and focussed wife will do well both at home (in her relationship with her husband) and in any business / organisation she propels herself into.
    An independent woman can never be submissive! The very feeling of independence breeds pride; pride in being able to do things on her own, pride believing any slack on the part of the man is a form of cheating, pride that will never allow her ‘continually’ submit to her husband.
    All women should understand that their role in life is different from the role men should play; just because my job is to proof read an article does not make my role any less important; the key focus for all is when we all play our roles as we should the information in the article gets passed across effectively…

  77. Maddy Hale

    October 2, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Yeenka, you are truly a better person. Please where are you? I need more tidbits

  78. Oma

    October 3, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    The example about the car is so apt, infact I cannot thank you enuf for making it so elementary, so a teenager can pick up the message!

  79. chocolate princess

    October 4, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    It’s really sad to say that both men and women constantly take the words “submission” and “indpendence” and give it their own interpretation, then when it doesn’t work claim it causes problems. Yes to be independent means you take care of your self, your bills, your work etc but independent people have friends and they still work hand in hand with those friends and get along just fine. Submissiveness can mean many things, including obedience, tameness, meekness, compliance or passivity. However, submissiveness can also mean agreement, respect, duty, or deference. Once again, submissive people also have friends that they get along with just fine. But when it comes to a relationship where sex and building a future together are concerned, other things come in to play such as “understanding”, “trust” , “patience”. When both people in a relationship cannot iron out their differences in these matters they will use any excuse possible to create unease in their relationship.

  80. Yinka

    October 7, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Hmm i think that I fall in the shaded area mentioned. I am very independent but submissive at the same time. Although, submissive has such a negative connotation. I do it not for peace sake but because as modern as I am, deep down I still believe in tradition. It’s because I love him that I am “submissive”. If a relationship is to work, two people can’t be 100% headstrong & in charge. A man doesn’t like problem woman but still wants to feel needed & useful. It’s fine by me because Its an issue that will continue to boggle the mind as we evolve. If life wasn’t filled with contradictions, then where would we be?

  81. winnie

    October 15, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    I think submission should come automatically when a woman feels loved by the man. If a man played his role of providing and not relying on his wife to take care of the bills as seems to be happening nowadays, I think even the independent woman would be able to submit herself to such a man and they would both live in harmony. But I have come to realise from my own personal experience that these men who rely on their wives to provide and pay the bills also happen to be very insecure, thus making their wives to be headstrong because the woman is put in a situation where she wonders why she has to put up with a man who is stressing her and putting her down yet she is providing for him. Winnie

  82. Bash B

    October 15, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    Submission & independence – tough; submission & interdependence – comes a lot more naturally, and should happen on both sides, although it is widely acknowledged that the woman has more to do.

  83. HappilyMarriedGirl

    October 16, 2009 at 3:30 am

    Hmmmmmmmmmm. I read this article and many of the comments with interest, but I have to say that from the very start, this article is fundamentally flawed. Why did I say this? Because right at the beginning of the article, the writer imposed her assumptions on her friend ‘Bayo’. For goodness sake, she put words in his mouth! I’m sure the poor guy did not use his own mouth to say he wanted to marry a “doormat!”. All he said he wanted a submissive wife. But as soon as the writer heard the word “submission” from him, she got the hump and immediately assumed Bayo meant he wants a woman that is a docile idiot. She immediately wanted to criticise and “tongue-lash” him. Why? Why oh why did she not cool her boiling hormones long enough to ask him to explain in his own words what he meant by “submissive”? If the writer of this article had actually been open-minded enough to hear him out and allow him to explain what he meant, she might have learnt something useful, gained some wisdom or insight into him, rather than assuming, getting annoyed and then coming to rant about what men want on BellaNaija.

    I am not attacking the writer personally (I don’t even know her) but this is the kind of pride I see in many women, myself included. We have this idea that we already know all there is to know about life and love, so we don’t stop to really listen and consider hearing another person’s point of view, talkless of some man. I think we feel like since we are educated, “independent” and able to make decisions about our careers, our health, fashion and other little things, then it automatically means we know it all in relationships and NO MAN can tell us any thing that we don’t want to hear. Therefore, a lot of the time, when a guy tells us what he wants (not what we want to hear) we let the information go in through one ear and out the other without really stopping to consider that there might actually be some truth or (heaven forbid!) some wisdom for us to learn.

    Ladies let me tell you a secret and you can do your research on this: Submission (and Respect) to a man, is the equivalent of Love to a woman. Sisters, imagine if you heard a man proudly saying “I will never love my wife” we would all be up in arms in anger condemning such a man to hell! Eh! How dare he say such a thing!

    BUT look at what we have here: women proudly and confidently saying that the equivalent “I will never submit to my husband”. That kind of thing will of course upset a man, and even if he does not verbalise it, he will slowly cool off on such a woman and he will look elsewhere. That is what the ‘Bayo’ in this article is really asking for: a woman who will respect him as much as he loves her.

    If you as a woman, you give unconditional respect to your husband, that man will have no choice but to show you unconditional love. I think many women are reluctant to make the first move to submit. We are waiting for the man to change first. Well I got news for you honey: go back to your bible and read the order in was written in. “Wives submit unto your husband” comes before “Husbands love your wives”. So if you are single, think carefully about the man you are choosing to marry because you will be required to submit to him UNCONDITIONALLY. If you are already married, I suggest you swallow your pride and show your husband some respect and watch as he transforms into the Prince Charming you have always wanted, but never got him to be through nagging and quarrelling.

    Think about it. Now think about it some more. If you don’t want to give up some of your independence, then please do NOT get married. Otherwise what is the point of getting married? What do you expect a husband wants from you? Submission does not mean that you are a doormat, it doesn’t mean you are stupid, lazy or a pushover. Like so many other commenters have said, submission is where our strength lies as a wife. There is not better way to run a home that the ideal where a man is loving and a woman is submissive.

    Forget all that Beyonce’s “Independent Woman” crap. She is happily married now.

  84. HappilyMarriedGirl

    October 16, 2009 at 3:37 am

    If the writer of this article had actually been open-minded enough to hear him out and allow him to explain what he meant, she might have learnt something useful, gained some wisdom or insight into him, rather than assuming, getting annoyed and then coming to rant about what men want on BellaNaija.

    I am not attacking the writer personally (I don’t even know her) but this is the kind of pride I see in many women, myself included. We have this idea that we already know all there is to know about life and love, so we don’t stop to really listen and consider hearing another person’s point of view, talkless of some man. I think we feel like since we are educated, “independent” and able to make decisions about our careers, our health, fashion and other little things, then it automatically means we know it all in relationships and NO MAN can tell us any thing that we don’t want to hear. Therefore, a lot of the time, when a guy tells us what he wants (not what we want to hear) we let the information go in through one ear and out the other without really stopping to consider that there might actually be some truth or (heaven forbid!) some wisdom for us to learn.

    Ladies let me tell you a secret and you can do your research on this: Submission (and Respect) to a man, is the equivalent of Love to a woman. Sisters, imagine if you heard a man proudly saying “I will never love my wife” we would all be up in arms in anger condemning such a man to hell! Eh! How dare he say such a thing!

    BUT look at what we have here: women proudly and confidently saying that the equivalent “I will never submit to my husband”. That kind of thing will of course upset a man, and even if he does not verbalise it, he will slowly cool off on such a woman and he will look elsewhere. That is what the ‘Bayo’ in this article is really asking for: a woman who will respect him as much as he loves her.

    If you as a woman, you give unconditional respect to your husband, that man will have no choice but to show you unconditional love. I think many women are reluctant to make the first move to submit. We are waiting for the man to change first. Well I got news for you honey: go back to your bible and read the order in was written in. “Wives submit unto your husband” comes before “Husbands love your wives”. So if you are single, think carefully about the man you are choosing to marry because you will be required to submit to him UNCONDITIONALLY. If you are already married, I suggest you swallow your pride and show your husband some respect and watch as he transforms into the Prince Charming you have always wanted, but never got him to be through nagging and quarrelling.

    Think about it. Now think about it some more. If you don’t want to give up some of your independence, then please do NOT get married. Otherwise what is the point of getting married? What do you expect a husband wants from you? Submission does not mean that you are a doormat, it doesn’t mean you are stupid, lazy or a pushover. Like so many other commenters have said, submission is where our strength lies as a wife. There is no better way to run a home than the ideal where a man is loving and a woman is submissive.

    Forget all that Beyonce’s “Independent Woman” crap. She is happily married now.

  85. HappilyMarriedGirl

    October 16, 2009 at 3:43 am

    Submission (and Respect) to a man, is the equivalent of Love to a woman. Sisters, imagine if you heard a man proudly saying “I will never love my wife” we would all be up in arms in anger condemning such a man to hell! Eh! How dare he say such a thing!

    BUT look at what we have here: women proudly and confidently saying that the equivalent “I will never submit to my husband”. That kind of thing will of course upset a man, and even if he does not verbalise it, he will slowly cool off on such a woman and he will look elsewhere. A man wants a woman who will respect him as much as he loves her.

    If you as a woman, give unconditional respect to your husband, that man will have no choice but to show you unconditional love. I think many women are reluctant to make the first move to submit. We are waiting for the man to change first. Well I got news for you honey: go back to your bible and read the order in was written in. “Wives submit unto your husband” comes before “Husbands love your wives”. So if you are single, think carefully about the man you are choosing to marry because you will be required to submit to him UNCONDITIONALLY. If you are already married, I suggest you swallow your pride and show your husband some respect and watch as he transforms into the Prince Charming you have always wanted, but never got him to be through nagging and quarrelling.

    Think about it. Now think about it some more. If you don’t want to give up some of your independence, then please do NOT get married. Otherwise what is the point of getting married? What do you expect a husband wants from you? Submission does not mean that you are a doormat, it doesn’t mean you are stupid, lazy or a pushover. Like so many other commenters have said, submission is where our strength lies as a wife. There is no better way to run a home than the ideal situation where a man is loving and a woman is submissive.

  86. HappilyMarriedGirl

    October 16, 2009 at 3:49 am

    Some really sad comments I’m reading here! 🙁

    Ladies let me tell you a secret and you can do your research on this: Submission (and Respect) to a man, is the equivalent of LOVE and Understanding to a woman. Sisters, imagine if you heard a man proudly saying “I will never love my wife” we would all be up in arms in anger condemning such a man to hell! Eh! How dare he say such a thing!

    YET look at what we have here: women proudly declaring the equivalent “I will never submit to my husband”. That kind of thing will of course upset a man, and even if he does not verbalise it, he will slowly cool off on such a woman and he will look elsewhere. That is what the ‘Bayo’ in this article is really asking for: a woman who will respect him as much as he loves her.

    If you as a woman, you give unconditional respect to your husband, that man will have no choice but to show you unconditional love. I think many women are reluctant to make the first move to submit. We are waiting for the man to change first. Well I got news for you honey: go back to your bible and read the order in was written in. “Wives submit unto your husband” comes before “Husbands love your wives”. So if you are single, think carefully about the man you are choosing to marry because you will be required to submit to him UNCONDITIONALLY. If you are already married, I suggest you swallow your pride and show your husband some respect and watch as he transforms into the Prince Charming you have always wanted, but never got him to be through nagging and quarrelling.

    Think about it. Now think about it some more. If you don’t want to give up some of your independence, then please do NOT get married. Otherwise what is the point of getting married? What do you expect a husband wants from you? Submission does not mean that you are a doormat, it doesn’t mean you are stupid, lazy or a pushover. Like so many other commenters have said, submission is where our strength lies as a wife. There is no better way to run a home than the ideal where a man is loving and a woman is submissive.

  87. FirstIWantToDanceWithYouPere

    October 16, 2009 at 7:10 am

    aka bagucci…i love you for your comment

    “marriage is about mutually submitting our intrinsic desires for the greater good fo the union – however that is played out from context to context…”

    Thank you very much

  88. lola

    October 16, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    Its so scary when we know we are in 2009, but things really haven’t changed. I used to think that this was a issue for more business women, being independant but yet knowing how to be submissive. I think the only way to have a successful marriage or relationship is through consistent prayer-cause just as soon as you get relaxed and feel like you have this guy that is so accepting of your independance….huh…. he too will “act out” as Nanko(sept 24 post) said. I believe something just snaps in a mans head to say put a rope around this women or else you are not a real man!!!

  89. June Girl

    October 19, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    THANK YOU O! THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO MY SINGLE SISTAS. HOW CAN YOU GO INTO MARRIAGE WITH THE NOTION THAT THERE ARE TWO BOSSES IN THE HOME. THE MAN IS THE HEAD, HE IS CALLED TO BE A LOVING HEAD. IF YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH IT, PLEASE STAY SINGLE AND KEEP DATING YOUR BOYFRIEND FOR 50 YEARS. BUT WHEN YOU MARRY, YOU HAVE TO GIVE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO GET. GIVE SUBMISSION TO GET LOVE. SIMPLE! 🙂

  90. Marvin

    October 20, 2009 at 1:55 am

    Wow, I’m the author of “Independence vs Submission vs You” and this is exactly what it talks about. I thought I was the only one looking at this subject like this. Check it out at Barnes & Nobels.com…

  91. Donna

    October 20, 2009 at 2:08 am

    You can be independent but u need find a man who super confident in himself emotionally, financially, intelligence and sexually. If there is an issue with any of those 4 then he will act out. Go clubbing with a mate and get a new girlfriend. You make more than the dude…better not tell him cos his EGO will get hurt. He is mentally unstable so when u tell him you have a meeting in Abuja he begs u not to go but when u leave he throws a big party with his boys…just like a teenager. You mention that you had a wild teenage life and he throws it in your face at the most inappropriate time.

    I used to go for Nigerian guys but I got feed up b/c they were just boring. Don’t play chesse, following Music, Formula One, we just did not have anything is common. I was going to the most exotic places in London and all over the world and he cant keep up with the conversation. We would hang with the Upper class ppl and he just could not adapt socially. So, now I am married to a Serbian guy and he is tall, sexy his family loves me. I am myself and not pretending. We go on holiday and he says,he wants to sleep and I go off swimming. He wants to wine taste and I do not want to and he is cool with it. He wants to go skiing, but I cant be asked and I just stay at the bar and get his beer ready for his return…and it works. Strong men are sexy. I hate weak men and weak woman. I avoid them like the plague

  92. Eliza

    October 20, 2009 at 2:29 am

    In the Uk…Women are 60% and men are 40% in University. Out of this the black women is 20% and black men 5%. So, to find a black husband in Uni is very low and then since Black men are dropping out of primary/secondary/university they are not in the financial position to provide. A lot of Black rich men prefer to marry white/non black women as a sign of affluence. Also, a lot of Black man go for submissive women from Asia and Europe and have families with them. Also, young men are loosing their purpose in the black family life. This sex for fun and sadly not sex for love culture is creating a lot of problems. Single Mother culture is also pushing men away from black families. Absent Fathers is are having a negative effect on male behaviour. So, with the lack of male influence, men lose their confidence and taken on the female persona of being weak. Women have to pay the bills and look after the family so she has to take on the male persona and become the head of the family. My 2 cents

  93. ONSC

    October 20, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    wow… Thank you for this….

  94. onyinye

    October 22, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    i totally agree with u, switching roles can be very tasking.

  95. Tosin

    October 23, 2009 at 9:07 am

    You are all very articulate as usual, but this is not how I see things. Submit? First? Why? Because I have boobs? How do you know that I don’t have internal testes or something?
    I have been with a couple of great Nigerian young men and we had to negotiate a bit around this submission thing. Not fight necessarily, just educate each other a bit.
    With one I learned that he was being sweet actually when he said “cook for me,” so I did, like once a month. He was very appreciative and proud of it. Not exactly what I’m used to in a relationship, but hey.
    With another I learned that the allure of a housekeeping wife/wifie who sees it as her role to cook, clean, wash his clothes etc may be too strong for him to be without one. It’s all good, but of course I can’t lie and say that I would ever be his housekeeper wife, because me ma sef am looking for a housekeeper wife.
    With yet another I felt bad cos the guy was always stuck eating Golden Morn (when his body clearly needs strong eba and soup, but I don’t have the interest in making food) and I hope he finds a lady better suited to him fa.
    But if you go outside Nigeria it’s much easier to find men whose expectations don’t include all this housekeeping baggage.

  96. Tosin

    October 24, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    This comment really educated me. Explains why most (nearly all, but not all) young men could not be my own partner…Thank you.

  97. Tosin

    October 24, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    bulk cooking together – very nice idea. Thanks.

  98. rose

    November 8, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    I just think men love playing God when it comes to relationship.

  99. jen

    November 8, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    when i was a little girl i had this fantasy about marriage and now i realised that most men idea of a wife is a glorified maid plus anytime they want it sex.
    i will not go into details but i think its our (women ) fault .

  100. Tosin

    November 8, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    I refuse to lose myself in other to please a man period!
    Treat pple as u would want to be treated including ur spouse.

  101. silva

    November 8, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    pls do u hv a single brother in law? our men hv serious issues!

  102. Linda Lopez

    November 20, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    Ain’t nuttn’ wrong wiv being submissive but it would be easier to submit if the man deserve it and loved u like crazy. Why would u be submissive 2 a jerk dat doesn’t even deserve it? Dis submission thing is big among black guys especially our Nigerian men. They 4get dat it shud be a give and take kind’a thing. Well, I’m married 2 a Puerto Rican man and their views are similar to ours (Nigerians) considering they have an African roots in them but they are…well, let me pause 4 a bit. I shouldn’t say “they”, I should say my husband is very respectful and extremely loving. There are times when I come back 4rm work and he cooks for me. Does dat mean he’s no longer a man cuz he does dat 4 me? Absolutely not! It means he loves and adores me and doesn’t mind doing the things I do around d house as well. One of my closest friend is married 2 a Nigerian and he hardly does anything of sort 4 her. She’s currently pregnant and still cooking and cleanin’ around d house. All d same, I am submissive and respectful 2 my husband cuz he’s a great guy and d world’s best husband and he definitely deserves all my submission and more.

  103. Nikki

    November 21, 2009 at 2:45 am

    I think submission is disgusting. I don’t see th equality in it what so ever. Why give up any power or authority I have to boost a mans silly ego? I don’t feel it should be required to sustain a healthy relationship. If your a strong man, then you should comfortable enough within your ownself to step aside for a woman to take the lead. I just feel that men are being cry babies when they can’t get their way and they stray off just because a woman isn’t the personal puppet…grow some balls and compromise! That shoud be the word used in this dialogue not submission. It makes me sick when I hear other people or read posts that say the “a wifes power is in submission”. Ummm, last time I checked submission is surrendering power and authority unto someone else. Pathetic! Women handle your own and find a man that can handle you doing that. But for all of you women who don’t mind stepping back to stroke a gigantic ego…less power to ya…and im out

  104. ameze

    November 24, 2009 at 9:59 am

    I dont blame a lot of women who dont feel they should submit to men. I mean they do the same jobs work the same hours and then they are expected to come home and still cater to the house without any assistance from the man because they are what? Alpha female? Why cant men be the sole providers as they were in the past? Or at least help out once in a while? But no. A typical man goes to work comes back and still expects the wife to be at his beck and call. In my opinion, they want it all and it cant be that way. Somethings gotta give. Its either they begin to help out or allow their wife’s become full time house wive’s so they will get all the attention they desire.

  105. sleekme

    January 3, 2010 at 9:00 am

    submission! yuck….do u all know what that word even means? …yielding power to an authority. men & are not womens authority…just because men hav controlled things in this world for the most part does not make it right!!!!!!!!! a marriage is not a employer- employee rship or a teacher-student rshp. it is a mutual rshp and each person deserves equal authority and power in the rshp…the moment u submit to a man, your saying he’s my boss and i’m his worker/slave/ subordinate…rather than his partner..KEY WORD “PARTNER”….now that word signifies equality in making decisions. and as for independent…if your married , your no longer independent. So u should not be “SUBMISSIVE” or “INDEPENENT” in a marriage. ur a PARTNER…partners dont ‘submit’ to each other, they work wtogether with each other on equal levels and partners are not ‘independent’ of each other..they work together to make the best marriage!

  106. ATINUKDE

    January 5, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    i totally agree with you….if he is a great guy..whom you know loves you very much…well heck yeah he deserves your respect and submission…considering the facts that yal are married to each other….what is there to lose…is not a game anymore…is more of a life commitment…my husband likes the fact that i have a career and and i can contribute to the raising of the household and being the great guy that he is…submitting to him comes natural.

  107. ugonna

    January 6, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    come on guys, don’t you guys think your being a wee dramatic??? i was frantically looking for someone to mention Gods take on the issue and i didn’t find it, yet we all go crying to Him when things don’t work. God says we should submit one to another in love, but he has specifically given the mantle of leadership to men. It takes strenght to submit and whats more, God will honour your decision to obey Him! therez no short cut, make life easier for yourself and do not be joined to someone you do not respect/cannot be fully submitted to, coz all God wants to know is: my daughter,have you kept your side of the bargain? which is to submit!

  108. Nikki

    January 6, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    submission is not the answer compromise is. working together is. being compassionate is. being a doormat so your husband can wipe his dirty feet and still expect a foot rub is not lol. be strong inside and outside the house. what truly disgusts me is the movement of ” i can be a strong woman at home and submissive to my husband and that doesnt make me weak”…get real… if you submit you are weak…simply said, end of story…take it or leave it. you’re not a strong person if you submit to a man. even if you love your man with all your heart, the feeling of wanting to make him happy is love not submission. you cant mix both words and get anything positive out of it. if you love each other then compromise. whats wrong with you people with not wanting to use compromise versus submission. do you not know how DEGRADING that word is??? if not look it up! and im out

  109. Sleeping in Seattle

    May 16, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    As a single man who prefers submissive women, I think you’re misreading
    men’s interest or attraction to more passive types. It’s not all about money but
    more about emotion. I prefer a submissive woman because she is more
    likely to open up to me and allow herself to feel connected to me
    emotionally because she depends on an emotional bond. To me, that is comforting.
    It’s nice to feel wanted, needed, appreciated. On the other hand, an
    emotionally independent woman might be more resistant to give in to her emotions
    and let herself feel connected to me. In short, what man wants a woman who
    doesn’t need him or acts like she doesn’t need him? The only problem with more
    submissive types is sometime they’re more likely to be the victims of controlling,
    abusive men. They often come with more traumatic pasts that hinder their capacity
    to let go in a relationship once they feel deeply attached. They pull back in an
    attempt to avoid a pain or further abuse that is totally imagined. I want a submissive
    woman with a healthy past. Basically, I’ll be single for the rest of my life.
    They’re likely to wall up without warning.

  110. Cheerie

    July 9, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    This article is on point!

    I used to think that i was the only one that thought this way.

    I totally agree that there cant be two captains in a ship and the woman is to respect and listen to her husband especially when there are areas of conflict bt If we are to follow the bible, then we should remember that the bible says that a man that cannot provide for his house is worse than an infidel. In the older times, the men went to work, provided for the wife and family, paid the bills and did all of that while the woman stayed at home and took care of his needs which includes food, clothing, children and all of that.

    Now things have changed, and woman most times has to go out to earn money to add to the financial stability of the house, her traditional roles have been somewhat changed. Is it not also fair that the husband learns to help out around the house too. We both work in the bank and close at 9pm, we both come home, u dnt even sit in the kitchen to encourage me, even if u cant boil water! then at the end of the month, we are supposed to split bills too! Did u divide the domestic chores too? Its very hard for such woman to totally submit and respect her husband

    Marriage is a partnership and i believe that if one person has to cross the line then the other should also. its all about leaving our comfort zone for the other.If the woman has left hers, then he should leave his too.He should lead me by example, after all he is the leader!

  111. Bianca

    August 4, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Often times men want a very submissive woman for control purposes. Usually if
    they can keep you on a job, in the kitchen, and in the bed it sends rest to the
    images in they’re minds. If there’s a bit of a break they always seem to think you
    are cheating on them. Also being in control seems to boost up their egos. But
    seriously real men know that it takes team work for a successful relationship
    and are willing to share equal responsibility in everything. Real men also know
    that you are human, have feelings, and should treat you as the weaker
    vessel as far as lifting an object that may be to heavy. But respect and treat you
    in the same manner as he would his sister or mother. After all we give birth to
    them! So why should we have to lay down and be DOORMATS? So on that
    note I would say a man that wants a woman to do all that he says is a damn
    fool, slavery times are over! Don’t lose sight of who you are trying to please
    them. What’s the fun in having someone who doesn’t have a mind of they’re
    own? You can still show your spouse you love them without constantly meeting
    their demands.

  112. Mariamah

    November 25, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    I’m sooooooooooooo with you on this. If a couple are say bankers, they work equally hard, come home late, split d bills to support thier life style, then they both should be able to compromise. And if the man wants it all, ( food waiting 4 him, wife waiting 4 him n all that comes wit it, then he should handle the bill and every other thing that follows.

  113. OctoberLove

    May 11, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    I have spoken to many friends (males) and you know, the truth is they all want a ‘simple’ relatively quiet and sweet girl, with a good sense of “what is her role”. I asked once, “ok what about the sexy girl from Transfromers for example, who fixes cars, or about Angelina Jolie in ‘to disappear for 60 sec’, aren’t THEY the perfect woman… sexy, independent and with the same interests as you….?” the answer was NO! Actually, the exact answer was “Would you like a man who knows how to dress and put make up better than you? – No!” Honestly, there is no clear right or wrong but I am personally annoyed who little a man should do (and still can’t do it) and how much a woman should do…. to me the ideal relationship should be with someone who can stand next to you and not feel bad about himself, and it should not be all the time my responsibility to make him feel a man…. it is not about what your work is, how much you earn or the car that you drive…. it is about how you feel about yourself…. men’s weakness just makes me annoyed … apologies for that, I understand it is a bit extreme, but… no one asks ME how I feel, what I need to feel good, and what the ‘perfect’ man should be like. Everyone is concentrating on what we women should do to ‘improve’, how we must act to make him feel good…
    and as an “empirical evidence” 😀 – all my married friends (males) have really nice girls as wives, but none of these girls is the “miss independent” and most of them are really good housewives… Not saying this is bad, just saying that this is “the perfect” woman for men 🙂

  114. Pingback: What a Black Woman Has to Say About Submission… You Might Be Surprised. « love.african!

  115. Banke

    December 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! This topic drives me mad! What do men want really? It’s hard enough balancing one’s expectations, without the complexities of thinking about if I’m too strong or too independent for a man!

  116. Jane

    February 7, 2013 at 1:13 am

    this is not an either-or kind of situation. being able to hold your own in case the economy goes down or your man looses his job isn’t the same as dominating and showing little respect for your man. For a relationship to work efficiently, each person must take on a different role- do you ever see a car with two steering wheels? guys are naturally programmed to lead. if you don’t like where you are led to, you are simply with the wrong guy (“unevenly yoked” different values, different goals) -Why it is not wise to date people just for their looks and money. With all due respect, this article was pointless. You seem to think there is a contradiction between being able to carry your own load and respect/complying with someone you willing dedicated yourselves to.

  117. Isabella

    February 16, 2013 at 8:06 am

    As a native born and raised Puerto Rican woman, I was introduced very early on what makes a good wife. Of course, at that age I didn’t understand. I wanted to know why I had to take care of “some boy” that was dumb enough to spend enough money on a rock on a gold band just to put it on my finger. But, of course, since this what I was taught to be, I obeyed.

    Then, in my late-teen years, I later learned what a feminist was, and boy was I ever excited. I finally found out that being a woman doesn’t require you to have to be some stupid little inept slave that caters to a man’s need. But that stage only lasted a a year or so, when I found out that I could have a mixture of the two!

    An independent woman! Not a feminist. Not someone who didn’t want a man, but rather someone who didn’t NEED a man! I didn’t want to live alone for the rest of my life, but neither did I want to live it stuck in the house all day long! And I made this very prevalent with my “interests” too. When on a date, I would ask to split the bill (I would have went as far as to pay for it all — but — you know — male ego and all). For my more longer-standing affairs, I would ask to pay for every other bill, no matter the price, and to my surprise, this worked! For a while…

    Now I am realizing, as you are, not all men (even women) are to keen on a woman who never needed a man. It’s so complicated! What is it with this ever-present “if-you-are-a-woman-you-must-submit” theme in our society?

    I honestly don’t believe women should be submissive. And this isn’t the feminist talking — this is the human talking. I’m more human than woman; as are my brothers, my father, my mother, my exes, my girlfriends, my [hopefully] future husband, my sons, my daughters, and so on and so forth. Humans aren’t *meant* to submit, hence our free-will. That doesn’t mean that no situation we come across won’t require someone to obey or follow a command, it just means we aren’t meant to do it all the time.

    And that’s honestly what I fear most about “being Miss Submissive”: that we will HAVE to submit all the time, because hey, we submitted, so it’s not like we can survive on our own! And I guess that’s where your article comes in.

    I feel that we should never be required by our man to be submissive, yet we should have the choice to be. But I guess voluntary submission isn’t quite… submissive… if that makes sense =P

    Anyways, if our man really wanted a submissive wife, that’s fine. Be submissive all you want… just don’t be dependent (especially economically) is what I guess I’m trying to get at. But what if your husband doesn’t want you to? Now the whole concept is contradicted!

    God… it’s like I’m back in pre-calc.

    Anyways, I don’t think you can be both. I don’t even think you can even mix the two, to be honest. So, for me, I’ll be independent. I’ll talk to my man, I’ll listen to my man, share my dreams with him, ask him to share his’ with mine’s, love him if he loves me, respect him if he respects me, bare his children, care for them… [reluctantly and with lots of grumbling] stay home [if needed].

    Hey… maybe that I just found the answer! >>

    I don’t know… maybe I’m too young, therefor too “fiery”, and therefor too frightened about being Susie-homemaker. I guess I’ll figure it out in the coming years =/

  118. Ashley

    February 17, 2013 at 6:12 am

    Submission does not have anything to do with cooking and cleaning in my opinion.

    (Some of the best chefs are men; real men know how sexy it is when they cook and cook well [EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE])
    (And cleaning really should depend on if there are any slobs in the relationship and who’s doing the most labor-intensive work; Even the one doing labor-intensive work can do something like laundry, wash dishes, throw out trash [AND THOSE CAN BE A HUGE AID TO WHOEVER IS DOING THE SWEEPING/MOPPING, WIPING DOWN, ORGANIZING])

    Submission does not have anything to do with making more money.

    Submission is being a man’s support.
    Submission is taking an active opinion in a decision, but yielding to the man’s ultimate conclusion and riding it out with him, even if you think he’s wrong.

    Submission should be easy if you’re with the right person.
    I’m young and single, but the right man will make it easy to submit to him because he’ll love and respect my opinions and feelings.

    A real man won’t care about how much money I make. As long as he can take care of us and I hold him down, where should the conflict be.

    I don’t remember where I got this from, but I remember that women in ancient days most likely sold pottery and bread right outside the home, as well as maintaining that home.
    I remember watching some women in some part of Africa; in their day-to-day lives, the women basically did ALL the work. My compulsion to give the benefit of the doubt tells me that the men must have done something, but I SERIOUSLY don’t remember what that something was. At the end of the day though, women have always been these somehow gentler creatures who have done more of the work (excluding the whole hunting/gathering situation). That’s why WOMEN ARE AWESOME: We can be sexy, we can take care, and we can make bank.

    If a man can’t handle it, he’ll find another living condition. There’s a plus out of this degenerate world we live in. Either that, or go on without women.

  119. Lydia

    July 30, 2016 at 8:42 pm

    Well..may be men like to date Independent women but they prefer not to marry them

  120. Jim

    August 15, 2016 at 12:54 am

    I Wonder.

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