Connect with us

News

Stick to your own ‘kind’… or not?

Published

 on

Only a few people have ever advised me to stick to my own kind. Many more have advised me to simply marry a good man! A good man? Sure, I want to marry a good man but should that be all that there is to it?

The “stick to your own kind” concept can be interpreted to mean a lot of things. For instance, “your own kind” could mean – someone from the same tribe as you; of equal wealth / financial status; same religious belief etc. However, I am referring to that part which advices single women like me to marry men from the same social circle and pedigree, and with whom we share almost equal views and see the world in the same way, and possibly through “the same eyes”.

I admit that I have had some “admirers” consisting of car drivers, security guards, and clerks… In particular, there is this not-so-educated policeman who looks at me strangely each time he sees me (and I know that look!) One day, those close to him confirmed my suspicion, as they joked about how “he is crazy about me”. At this instance, I thought, “why does he fancy me… especially since I am not of his kind”? As thoughts ran through my head, I immediately felt guilty – “had I become arrogant? Isn’t he human just like me”? Maybe God could bless his future so much that he might even become better than me… in all respects. But then again, I asked myself, “can I ever get myself to consider this man’s silent proposal?” I spoke to a girlfriend about this, and she told me that she had the same experience – her “admirer” was a security guard at her office. It was then that I realised that this truly happens… only that she wasn’t afraid to express her disgust as often as he made a pass at her.

When I was a student at the Law School, one of my lecturers repeatedly advised us (especially the ladies) not to marry someone who isn’t of our kind i.e. uneducated men – she was a bit harsh about it so she actually referred to these men as “illiterates”. She said that it would be impossible to attend important dinner parties with an illiterate husband who will be unable to contribute meaningfully to intellectual discussions at the table. She added that he would eventually become frustrated in the marriage, and beat his wife to reaffirm his control. She said that each of us would be better off with an educated man who has potentials… even without a kobo in his pocket! I thought this woman was a little too mean – whatever happened to love which is supposed to be blind? Today, I wonder if my lecturer is right… especially when I consider men and their overwhelming ego!

I have a few degrees, I work my fingers to the bone, I am career driven and I strive to go higher… I want to see the world – I’m clearly a BIG dreamer. If I continue to work hard and truly achieve all that I pray to God to achieve, would an illiterate husband stand by me and be there for me? Will he be happy about my many achievements? Would his ego not frustrate our so-called love?

I recently watched a movie on DSTV’s “African Magic Channel”, about a girl who studied abroad in one of the Ivy League schools. After graduating, she came back home to Africa and fell in love with a mechanic. Her parents were devastated. Regardless of their many threats, she stuck with her mechanic and eventually got married to him. Few months into the marriage, she woke up early one morning to find that her husband was missing. She and her family (who had come to terms with their union) searched everywhere for him but to no avail. Unable to cope with her utter distress, she ran mad.

Several months later, a family member finally found this mechanic happy at work at a random workshop, and immediately asked him where he had been all this time. He explained that although his wife had loved him and sacrificed her super lifestyle for him, he couldn’t stay with her because he didn’t feel worthy enough to have her for his wife. He said that he was constantly intimidated by her, even though she had given him all the love and respect imaginable. How can this be?

I also watched Whitney Houston on the Oprah Winfrey Show (Yes! I watch a lot of TV)… Anyway, she described how Bobby Brown was jealous of her success and how he couldn’t handle her fame especially after she featured in the movie, “Body Guard”, which was a smash hit! Is it telling that Whitney could pull off a relationship with her bodyguard only fictitiously but in real life, she couldn’t cope with waned star, Bobby?

Can an “illiterate” husband ever keep up… even if he ends up with all that money? I have always thought that we should love uninhibited since love is no respecter of persons or circumstances however, is it really unwise to draw a line by sticking to our own kind? Would the “stick to your own kind” concept truly help to avoid future heartaches / heartbreaks?

Men (almost) always want to be in control.  However, if you’re a star, you’ll always shine to all… even when locked up in a black box. They say that many men cannot handle situations where their wives overtly outshine them. If this were indeed true – wouldn’t there be trouble in a union where the couple aren’t of the same kind? I wonder…

62 Comments

  1. olatomi

    July 8, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    well written….all i can say is marry someone you are very comfortable with in public and someone who you always have his back ANYWHERE.

  2. fokasibe

    July 8, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Yes o! I think we should all stick to our own kind….let’s all strive to be evenly yoked…..

  3. TrueTalk

    July 8, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    Ejire nice on there! Nice and relevant topic i think. We all fall in love with the
    the good girl falls in love with the bad guy from the wrong side of town
    movies (think the Twilight series *gag!*); but real life situations dont
    always end on a happy note o!

    But i honestly think it boils down to the two individuals involved. If there
    is mutual love, respect and understanding then the differences in social
    standing might not affect the relationship. However, education is
    important, even if the guy has a BSc and the lady has a PhD then they
    can rub shoulders to a certain degree.

    It’s also very important to marry your friend cos i think all the issues of
    discord/discontent would have been sorted out during the friendship and
    courtship stage of things. But to be on the safer side of things u might
    want to marry someone that grew up watching Sesame Street as
    against Aluwe or something like that!

  4. mimi

    July 8, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Great article!!!…yes it is a discussion i’ve had with my girlfriend…i was really the type who thought love has to be enough to go through marriage with an individual who is not as educated as me. But the reality is that LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. it all depends on the man, the woman and the way we handle each other…it is possible to meet a couple and you will never know that the husband/ wife never attended college, because he/ she is ready to learn from the spouse and the spouse is humble enough to teach and carry the other person along with him/ her. its also possible to find a spouse who is so full of ego and pride and wont be able to handle his/her spouses achievement. In essence it depends on both individuals.

  5. Ms. Jayee

    July 8, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    I believe that marriage between two people from totally different backgrounds
    including social, cultural and educational backgrounds can totally work only if the
    they are committed to making it work! In the case of educational standards, if an educated man
    decides to marry an illiterate woman but doesn’t make her feel less, fine! on the
    other hand, she too must be willing to develop herself intellectually so as to “meet up”
    with him! (first to comment again!!!!)

  6. Ms. Jayee

    July 8, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    oh! drat and double drat!!!!! someone beat me to it!

  7. Nuisance

    July 8, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    Whats with the whole status, tribe and educated thing? I personally find it rather
    confusing, I mean, I never chose to be born into the family I belong to, so really…
    Anyways excuse my rant, its just that girls in my class are so busy buying Berkin
    bags and Mano something shoes that I end up wondering, why not just go for
    a class or two lower so…. she’d be satisfied with whatever…….

  8. KC

    July 8, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    How old is the arthur of this article? This seems to be written from a very whimsical and naive point of view.

    Everyone has the fairy tale POV, but when you reach a certain age and level of maturity, you come to realize that a great marriage is not held together by love. There are plenty of men that you can fall in love with, but marriage is about a partnership. Marriage is about finding an equal balance where two people can compromise to work together without feeling cheated. The reality of the situation is that when one party is overwhelmingly dominant in the relationship, it won’t work. Especially, if that dominant party is the woman. So our job as women is to find a man that will compliment us, not become a liability.

    The question you have to ask yourself is “Is my man a ‘but’ or an ‘and’ addition to my life?” Meaning when you think of him, do you go “I love him, but…” or “I love him, and…”

    Make your decision from there. Where you are today is because of the decisions you made yesterday. Chose wisely ladies and be realistic. Love is always the center of it all, but when thinking of marriage, you think of longevity, you aren’t making a decision just for yourself, but your future children. If you can’t chose the best for you, chose it for them.

    My 2 cents

    • Aye Oh

      May 4, 2011 at 5:08 pm

      WOW…couldn’t have said it better. 100% agree. I needed to hear that.

  9. lizzy

    July 8, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    In my own case i am married to someone who is a high school holder. I am working towards earning my first degree, as a woman i never let my ego or pride get the best of me because we love each other so much despite what the outside world says about him not being educated. He supports my decision in accomplishing careers goals even to the highest level. I believe that everyone has a different destiny and no one can change that. Also, there are situations where one ends up marrying someone from the same class or being educated and that person might not be God’s will.

  10. jessy

    July 8, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    i belong to the fact that it is the matter of understandin and stickin 2 ur own kind
    …………to avoid conflict or d lesser person(male) not feelin intimidated by her patner ……..especially 4 d male bcus dey re full of pride and in control…..d female can always find their ways e.g good cook, takin care of kids….compare 2 d guys. ANYWAY IS D MATTER OF UNDERSTANDIN b4 goin into marriage…………………..

  11. Onyx Fab

    July 8, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Lollll @ nuisance…whats wrong with buying berkin bags n all??? hahahaha. These Men!

  12. jessy

    July 8, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    And pls we should stop lookin at d aspect of love, we shld 4get love wen it comes to spending ur life 2gether we shld look into d aspect of UNDERSTANDING and TRUST…..tho luv comes 1st but consider other aspect to save stress later in future……if u re lookin into love wat of pple wit sickle cell dat can’t get married?

  13. Sosso

    July 8, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    I have to agree to some extent. I am an equal opportunity young lady.
    I’ve dated mechanics, cab drivers,financial magnets, lawyers, doctors, etc. The
    worst relationships were with the less educated men. I have a good job I was
    educated abroad, and live a certain lifestyle. The lawyer and financial guys
    understood from time to time I needed down time and needed to go to the spa
    or trips for weekends mini holidays, etc. (Which I spent my own money on)
    The others just felt it was too much and lacked when they went out to parties
    with me. But most importantly I left like I could not be who I am with those lesser
    educated men. I am career driven and though I don’t knock house wives I
    know I can never be one. Most of the uneducated men wanted me to quick my
    job if we were to get married. Didn’t understand my political view or my level
    of confidence in myself. They felt a women’s place was in the home and what
    does a woman know about politics? In the end I find myself now in my early
    thirties dating only highly educated professional men, who are broad minded
    and exposed.

  14. Miz B

    July 8, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    In as much as understand where the writer is speaking from, some people can not really help their backgrounds! that being said I know alot of great men today started from very humble backgrounds e.g MM.K.O Abiola, Billy Graham, Barack Obama and others too numerous to mention! Many of them have ‘upgraded’ themselves and are better people in society today. Can you imagine the number of girls kicking themselves in the foot for turning down their proposals because they could not didnt think they would amount to anything? So in as much as we want to marry or hang with ‘our own kind’ lets look at the individual and not generalize. thats my two kobos! (as for that film on Africa magic..puhleeze! thats was just the figment of the writers imagination and not meant to be taken as gospel truth!) lol

  15. Favor

    July 8, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Great article…some food for thought.
    Well for me, there’s no such thing as love being blind. Love is an active decision made when you trully know someone, share critical interests and beliefs, and trust the person. You have to be equally yolked with your spouse; no matter how infactuated and passionate you are with the person, the relationship will not last if you don’t share deep things in common. For example, if you’re a lady who is very motivated to become educated and succesful, you will not gel well with a man who is content to just surviving on menial tasks.

  16. Abby Bee

    July 8, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    KC if that’s your 2 cents then the World Bank should take lessons from you. My girlfriends have to read what you’ve written because it is the best advice I have seen in a long time and in such a neat little nutshell. Kudos

  17. babylawyer

    July 8, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    I’m not sure it’s solely about education; even a very exposed and highly literate man may have a complex. I think it’s about a man/woman placing the partnership above everything else and not being threatened by your partner’s development. Tough call, most times.

  18. Anu

    July 8, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    @ Miz B Obama is not uneducated. Kindly read the article over i’m sure you’ll understand better because you are totally missing the point

  19. Douby

    July 8, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    KC’s comment makes total sense. well said

  20. Favor

    July 8, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Very true @ Anu
    I was gonna make the same comment. Obama and the likes are not uneducated and/or unmotivated. They may not have always had the cash, but they always had the ambition and drive for success, and that’s the difference! Using Barack Obama as an example, even though he was not at the same corporate level as Michelle when they first got together, but I’m sure he was never threatened by that, infact that was the values he treasured in her.

    But @ Miz B, you’re very correct on your general point that we shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but we should get to know people. It’s all about the ambition and drive to always better yourself and the people around you.

  21. Judith

    July 8, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    sorry i dnt get. u won’t get with him cos he is a police officer or cos he is illiterate. some police officers in naij are educated u know. so if that is what i think u mean then its a case o financial standing right?

  22. NaWetinNa

    July 8, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    oOO KC U jus carri d tin wey dey ma mind and write b4 I do. Anyway, I go jus add small – like U said Love is the center while 4 me Understanding, Respect, Perserverance, Understanding, Individualityn and Communication circumvents it. Like I dey tell ma friends and pple wey don pass into and outta ma life make dem look 4 d potential and ability not jus availability with arrogance.
    😉

  23. Bola #1

    July 8, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    you’re right Favor.
    When Barack met Michelle, he was below her (status wise). She was a top lawyer, he was fresh out of school toasting her around.
    Even up until he became the President, Michelle earned way more than he did.

    Every relationship will have challenges. WHat helps is knowing fully well what you’re getting into before saying “I do”

    • Graceie

      December 11, 2010 at 8:49 pm

      Point of correction, she was his boss..so he was not just fresh out of school

  24. Pipiiiihooray!

    July 8, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    It’s Birkin. Hermes Birkin. Not for the faint hearted.

  25. Toju

    July 8, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    I agree with the whole marry ur kind talk. Before I got married I thought it was rather discriminatory to say marry ur kind. But now being a married I think I understand where people are coming from when they give this advice. It is important that you marry someone who has the same kind of background in regards to education, upbringing, financially etc
    A man/woman who is educated understands the value of an education and will spur his/her spouse to the height of their dreams. A man/woman who grew up in a home with both parents showing love to one another and to their kids knows the value of a home and will be willing to build one with their spouse. A man/woman who grew up in the same financial class as you did will understand ur need to have certain things or do certain things for your children.
    If you do not have a similar background with your partner, no matter how much you love each other, you will butt heads constantly in the early stages of your marriage especially when it comes to making a home and raising a family

  26. chinekeGodof Africa

    July 9, 2010 at 12:26 am

    It all comes down to the guy’s pocket…if he wasnt educated but had Dangote or Adenuga’s money..women will be flocking towards him..PERIOD

  27. Cynthia

    July 9, 2010 at 3:21 am

    @ChinekeGodofAfrica

    Be careful how you generalize. I don’t know how things work with women and money in Naija but for those of us blessed to be making good money in the western world, we can care less if he makes money like Dangote or Adenuga! Money is not everything for every woman out there. Some of us are like the author of the article….driven, career minded, highly educated and hardworking and some of us live in societies where having such attributes pays off big time monetarily speaking. You way of reasoning is what I will clasify as the typical african man kinda mentality. Naija women in Naija might flock towards wealthy illiterates but the same analysis cannot be made when it comes to some of us who don’t live on Naija soil and look for quality rather than quantity!

    My 2 cents.

  28. Omada

    July 9, 2010 at 3:56 am

    in a relationship there has to be some common ground. period.

    @ chinekeGodof Africa you have point, almost all the time, its about the money…

  29. Doll

    July 9, 2010 at 8:50 am

    i totally agree, my perfect boyfriend from school became a different person because i graduated 2 years ahead of him. i dint mind and he said he dint, but the minute i started working and earnig good money, the issues we started having became unbelievable. Marry someone you can look up to financially.

  30. the truth

    July 9, 2010 at 10:09 am

    It is the wide gap between the uneducated and the educated in Nigeria that will make it difficult for such relationship to work.

    In a country where equality is a norm, a mechanic (engineer) has his own career, and a P.HD has her own career. So far they make money that is almost equal and been educated alone does not mean civilization. It is what you learn from the society.

    In Nigeria, when a mechanic hardly make 15,000 in a month and a B.Sc aims to start at 100,000 in a month. There will be problem. And in Nigeria, most have only learnt civilization through school.

    It is a difficult thing in Nigeria, but not so much of a problem in the developed world.

  31. barsea

    July 9, 2010 at 10:29 am

    me think it’s workable for a an educated man to marry a less educated lady but definately impossible the other way round to work.

  32. Wag

    July 9, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Whoever you marry, seek God’s opinion and go into it with your eyes WIDE OPEN ….love is no longer BLIND!!!!!

  33. story teller

    July 9, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    I could add my £3…lolz. whether educated or non-educated; i’m talking diplomas, degrees, masters and Ph.D. If one is suffering from low self-esteem, they just can’t cope with whatever that is going on in their lives, although they are *educated*. Then again, there are non-educated ones that possess high self-esteem and they can do whatever it takes to be successful even in their marital lives whether married to the queen of Aso rock, for example. But on the other hand, it is always good to consult God for the christian believers, and a higher being for some that don’t believe in organised religion. At the end of the day, there is so much that parents can do for their children and wards. Yes, they can have a say but a child/ren still possess minds of their own… maybe they are tired of the wealth, pomposity, hypocrisy… just saying and needed a bit of fresh air, who knows?

    Good write-up, though.

  34. Lola

    July 9, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    I finally found it! Liked and shared!!!

  35. Lili

    July 9, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    KC: truer words have never been spoken. Only the extremely naive would imagine that going into as serious an institution as marriage without clear-headedness and smarts is the right way to go. The reality is marrying at your level is the only way it can truly work. Of course there are different grades – for instance, a woman who grew up in an average home may be able to get away with lowering her standards for “love”; however with the really wealthy and sophisticated ladies – to compromise in any shape or form is to effectively sign the death warrant of such a marriage. Some ne’er do well men and ill-wishers may try to deceive a vulnerable woman with words like “be humble” or “God-fearing” and “God will provide” or even worse saying stuff like MKO Abiola and co all rose from humble backgrounds. Don’t be deceived! Let him make something of his life before sniffing aroud you. Also i find it sad that noone is questioning the motives of these men. Why should a man who KNOWS he is not equal to you approach you in the first place?? Love? Overwhelming attraction? Please give me a break! These men are also calculating how they can hitch themselves unto the nearest naive rich girl and have a smoother life. They target lonely girls and those who are desperate to marry. Why are they not attracted to and chasing after female cleaners, clerks, etc who are on their own level? Food for thought. A good friend of mine was being chased by this guy who had no accomodation (sharing a house with friends), a beat-up car and an average job. Yet he was declaring love and proposing marriage!! So how did he plan to provide for his wife and kids? Where would they live etc? I told her to ask him gently some tough questions about how he planned to ensure they would survive. The minute she started trying to work out with him how they would exist if they were to marry, where they would live, where the rent would come from – he vanished. So much for love! Any decent man will not mind that the woman he loves and wants to marry will want to make sure they and their kids will be ok. If he was one day wealthy he would also want to ensure his beloved daughters did not rush into marraige without using their heads. So my dear sisters, the next time the mechanic, clerk, etc comes calling ask him that supposing you were ready to dleiveryour baby (abroad or even in a good hospital )- where bills alone can run into hundreds of thousands- doe she have the cash to settle the bill?? Or does he expect you the woman (or your parents) to bear the cost of delivering HIS own kids?? And please note “God will provide” is not an answer in the list of options.

  36. nomad

    July 9, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    There was a NYTimes feature about a female black Oxford and Stanford educate
    woman who married a white garbage collector. They have a video and it’s so
    adorable seeing two individuals regardless of status in life who are so in love
    with each other (i’m too lazy to find the article but Google is your friend). Sure it wouldn’t be easy, but marriage is not easy even if you both have all the bullshit degrees in the world, but it’s telling about how status conscious Nigerians are that most people here wouldn’t ‘demean’ themselves. I’ve dated PhDs and men ho never bothered to go to university but who still make a good living and are intelligent and worldly and in the end my final analysis are . MEN are basically the same

  37. Lili

    July 9, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Sorry, rushed through the last bit so some typos. Here is a clear(er) version of what I was trying to type:
    So my dear sisters, the next time the mechanic, clerk, etc comes calling ask him that supposing you were ready to dleiver your baby (abroad) or even in a good Nigerian hospital – where the bills alone can easily run into hundreds of thousands- does he have the cash to settle the bill?? Or does he expect you the woman (or your parents) to bear the cost of delivering HIS own kids?? Please note “God will provide” is not an answer in the list of options.

  38. Mina

    July 9, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    @lili…. lol, thats funny… but baby girl, thats where the “love” comes in. If the girl chooses to marry him then shw would understand that if she wants the fancy hospital to deliver her baby she would have to pay for it, otherwise they would go to where the man can afford. I believe this “your kind” issues is not really an issue, love should conquer all and it also can be a bearer. She can also be a source of his prosperity in the future, as for the dinner parties and how he can represent her well, i reserve my comment…lol

  39. Omada

    July 9, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    @ Lilii completely agree with you 100%! let’s be real abeg!
    love conquers all? in a country like ours? yes i love you & you love me,but is that going to pay our children’s school fees? everyone knows that to get a good education in this country is serious money.

    its a whole lot easier if its the other way round & like i said, there has to be a common ground.

    love alone is not enough…

  40. Lili

    July 10, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    I would love to hear feedback in about 5 years from the “love conquers all” brigade of well-to-do girls who marry at a lower level. Should be interesting.lol!
    Ultimately we each have our values and what we consider important. Sure there may be women who will happily take their garbage collector spouse to the law school alumni dinner or whatever and not mind if his diction is poor, his outlook limited or his ego tarnished as he sees other men earn and ensure their kids are well-schooled, their families are housed in safe, exclusive neighbourhoods, etc. Even if the woman is happy to pay for these how many self-respecting men deep down inside will not feel a twinge of inadequacy. Do people really imagine that all the stories of men who end up openly cheating on, beating up or abandoning their more successful wives are merely fairytales happening to others? Or that there was “something wrong” with these women? Well there was – the disease of naivete and stupidity- for which only hard lessons is the only cure. Most decent men want to feel they can provide for and protect their wife and kids, they want to feel good that they add to her life materially- this is what drives most normal men.
    The bottom line is – make sure you go into it with your eyes wide open. If you choose to hitch your wagon to a garbage collector or whatever good luck to you, as long as 10 years down the line you are not fed up of paying the bills to ensure you maintain the standard of living you SHOULD have, good luck. Just don’t come crying when it all ends in tears. Just as in all situations there are exceptions to the rule some of these marriages may actually work. But you cannot be sure yours is the exception can you? Whats not to say you cannot fall in love with a good provider on your level just as easily as one who isn’t. Unfortunately for vulnerable women these men who know they are lacking big -time make herculean efforts to be “extra Loving” and wonderful which further confuses the girl into thinking “he’s so special, who cares if we have to live on my/my parents income/handouts”. lol! The poorest men are often the most attentive in every way,to make up for their short-comings. Be wise sisters!

  41. Proudly_Naija

    July 10, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    I am really feeling this article. I am in a stick to your own ‘kind’ or not situation. He is Igbo and I can’t speak a word in Ibo. Think in such situations be it class, education, tribe or race one should pray and go in with eyes wide open if at all.

  42. Olivia M

    July 10, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    @Babylawyer,I totally agree with you. A man’s Exposure and well cultured background,
    should be of concern rather than,his level of education.There are many well
    trained professional out there , that behaves and acts like stack illiterate.

    As for me when it comes to religion, race or language, I think is of good to
    stick to ones kind.

  43. inori

    July 11, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    i am a firm believer in sticking to your own kind ,if you own kind means some one who has the same basic core values as you.As well as being at your intellectual and educational level,the idea that as an educated woman i could ever consider a driver or a mechanic is ludicrous to such a degree that i am almost frothing in the mouth thinking about it.What on earth could we possibly have in common apart from the fact we are both human?.For any reasonable woman to think about sinking so low just to have a man is tantamount to being asked to eat s…t and requesting for a fork and knife to do so.

    Love does not conquer all and like some others have mentioned lets see how well the man is able to take it when he keeps being reminded by society in general that he is not on the same level as his wife and is unable to provide as much.Then the gloves will come off and cracks will appear.

    i personally do not care if the individual is green ,black or blue as long as we have a similar outlook ,comparable education and exposure then all is well in the kingdom.

  44. dubaisands

    July 11, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    whao! your lecturer told you that at “law school”? They say Love is blind.. but it ain’t that blind that I can’t see!!

  45. prisca

    July 13, 2010 at 10:21 am

    i so agree with marry ur kind .. cuz right now i n my boyfriend of 4 years.r from different sides of the fence .. we reason differently and are always fighting but we love each other and it doesnt help that he’s GEORGEOUS …. however regardless of how hard ive tried to break it off . i cant . talk of marriage has come up and i dont know which way to go … right up the altar or to the arms of someone of my kind .. as i have the perfect candidate already in mind!

  46. Tomi

    July 14, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    My view is to stick to your kind in terms of values and goals; they rest will fall into place.

  47. Afribabe

    July 16, 2010 at 2:50 am

    “All Single Men Stand Up” there was a article written about WHERE ARE ALL THE SINGLE MEN??? …i think if all the women read dat article we’ll know why we can’t find any single man..it ol falls on bein 2 icky, lukin 4 sum1 who is in our level..we females can be very picky nd dats y we can’t find any man these dayz…get off ur high horse nd concentrate on da man’s personality nd not their luk or thier porket

  48. ON7YBNY

    July 17, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    Personally I think it does depend on the context of ‘your own kind’ as previous writers have written. I am married to a man who shares the same future ambitions as me in terms of family, education and career however our backgrounds, upbringing and exposure have been completely different. One of us was born and brought up in Nigeria and the other was born and raised in England in a western environment.
    Our core values such as our faith, our attitude to relationships with family and friends and marriage are congealed, however we do have different views on situations due to our upbringing.

    We do not view our differences as a negative element, but positive as we enlighten and expand each others knowledge.

    In my opionon this makes us stronger and our beautiful relationship continually interesting.

    So to sum it up, I believe that this topic really depends on the context.

  49. Star

    July 20, 2010 at 9:19 am

    In the Nigerian context, my husband and I are definitely NOT of the same kind… we’re from different ethnic groups; though we grew up in families of more or less the same income bracket, our family types/ideals were quite different; now after a few years of marriage, I earn roughly 5 times more than he does…. and you know what? We’re more in love today than when we got married!! (Yes, that’s 2 exclamation marks or make that 3).
    I believe the crux of the matter is that different backgrounds or not, we essentially have the same outlook in life and more importantly, fundamental beliefs… and with that we’re pushing on STRONG.
    When i was inwardly debating this very same issue before we got married, a friend of mine told me those things don’t really matter and encouraged me with a story about her own parents…
    MORAL OF THE STORY: Love is a critical factor, but not the only one. Shared beliefs, fundamental outlook and values, and a certain willingness to share thoughts and experiences AND determined stick-to-itidness is essential to the success of a relationship and future marriage.
    You’ll know if a young man is the right one for you, because you won’t have to convince yourself that’s it ok to date him, it’ll just be….

  50. oke nwoko

    July 27, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    No matter what side we choose to agree with, we must all understand that this kind of thinking is related, although remotely, to the same idealistic perceptions of individuals or groups which fuels racism, prejudice, bigotry, and intolerance. Jesus was a carpenter. Was he not worthy to sit in God’s throne? What makes any one of us better than the next. I am a realist and I definately understand that social status, religion, race, and ethnicity (including tribal ethnicity) plays a significant role in determining our future and fate with our significant other. But that is only because we allow our society and, for most of us, our family have the ability to dictate what decisions we make and the outcome of these decisions. As a Nigerian-American (raised in the states), a liberal, and most importantly a Christian, I believe that tolerance and acceptance is the most important trait any human can posses. A woman can be the bread winner, and she can also be more educated. As an educated individual my opinion is biased, however my message is sound. If a relationship does not work, it is because we did not allow it to.

    Oke

    • nonye n

      March 20, 2015 at 8:23 am

      I agree with your sentiments and appreciate your perspective but you also have to acknowledge that although you may consider yourself to be a liberal, or tolerant, a relationship can achieve a long lasting outcome, if both individuals share a commonality in factors such as religion, and tribal ethnicity.

  51. ronnke

    July 30, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    WOW!!! SO MANY VIEWS…ME, I THINK ITS EASY TO STIL TOLERATE IT FOR A WHILE IN MARRIAGE BUT TIME WILL TELL IF HE DOESNT MEET UP TO YOUR EVER INCREASING TASTES AND DREAMS, PPL ADVANCE AND SET TARGETS FOR THEMSELVES BUT AN UNEQUAL RELATIONSHIP WILL ULTIMATELY CRASH. IT SHOULD BE BALANCED. IF OBAMA HAD STAYED BROKE HE WOULD BE HAVING ISSUES BY NOW,
    AS A MAN, EVEN IF U WERE SLIGHTLY LOWER AT FIRST, TRY TO MEET UP ASAP…WOMEN EASILY TOOSH UP THEMSELVES EVEN WIT A LITTLE MONEY SO THE DIFFERENCE WILL SHOW EASILY
    DONT DECIEVE URSELVES. THERE IS A REASON WHY EVEN IN THE BIBLE, MEN LIKE ABRAHAM, ISAAC, DAVID, ETC WERE RICHER THAN THEIR WIVES. JACOB WHO STARTED OUT POOR WHEN HE MET RACHEAL SUFFERED FOR IT IN THE HANDS OF HER FATHER
    MONEY IS IMPORTANT AND IT IS NOT WRONG TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT LOVE DONT ANSWER ALL THINGS…MONEY DOES…CHECK OUT THE BIBLE.
    LOVE WONT CONFORT YOU WHEN YOU JUST SEE THAT CUTE DRESS OR WANT TO GO FOR THAT NICE DINNER AND HE SAYS ITS TOO MUCH…FOR THE UPTEENTH TIME.

    THE GUY HAS GOT TO BE FINANCIALLY STRONGER…HOW ELSE WILL HE PERFORM HIS GOD-GIVEN DUTIES TO BE A PROVIDER
    AS MY SIS SAYS, IF HE DONT GIVE BIRTH, COOK, ETC AND HE ALSO CANT MEET FINANCIAL NEEDS, THEN WOTS HE GOOD FOR? SEX? SORRY TO SAY BUT U DONT NEED THE STRESS OF MARRIAGE FOR JUST THAT..
    COMPANIONSHIP? A GOOD FRIEND CAN DO DAT

  52. Sblinks

    August 3, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    it all depends on the 2 people involved this is an extract from a true story I had read. this ia a daughther describing the relationship her mother had with her father after she married him against her parents wish because he simply wasnt educated. ” for my father having a wife from a social class that he veiwed as superior to his meant that he had signed up for a lifelong inferiority complex. To cope with this he was always trying to prove his worth. A strong willed man he bacme over time a ferocious and controlling bully. My father forever tried to contain my mother her frustrations began to show at having her life made so small and rigid this crystallised into a bitterness that would colour every aspect of my mothers life. And these qualities his bullying and forever wanting to control her and her bitterness at this werent reserved for each other They spilled into the lives of us four childeren too and came to dominate our childhood” To the author i think your tutor at the law school could well have had point judging from the extract above sometimes it brings about problems in the marriage problems that could have been avoided if one had married seomeone of a similar background. i had an experience myself a few years back with some guy i had met eventually i had to put an end to the relationship as i could tell it wasnt going to work due to this. We had very different backgrounds and ci could see that getting in the way of the relationship ever working.

  53. Ihuoma

    August 10, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    I agree with KC above, but just wanted to point out that on the flip side, there are many marriages where the two parties were of “the same kind” and it still didn’t work. There are a lot more components to marriage than just being of the same kind. Yes, having common values, principles, goals, even recreational similarities etc, are very helpful but ultimately marriage is work and it takes two sane (and humble) individuals who know what they are going into before they go into it and are completely committed to each other and to their marriage to make it work. And as a Christian, i know that God is the greatest glue that can hold two very different people (no matter how much they have in common) together, forever. Just my N2.00

  54. Child of God

    October 28, 2010 at 8:39 am

    what does the Bible have to say about all this? Lets find out.

  55. hmm

    November 13, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    lol at your admirers… mine includes bus drivers, cleaners etc.. name it. i think it is safer to stick to your kind of people… reduces the hassle.
    Even if you decide to go for one of the ‘admirers’ and you are willing to make it work, there will always be a chance that he gets intimidated and it will all end in ruins… but then again there is always a flip side to every story.

  56. Winner

    March 7, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Yes o girlfriend, I strongly agree with you 150%,marry your kind o. Don’t be too desperate and in the process settle for less.It doesn’t mean the man is less, it just means that you can not be on the same page most of the time even in bed

  57. lustre

    April 19, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Basically i think exposure not education(education is very key though) is all that matters. i hav seen very educated men display high sense of “illiteracy” by being insecure and vice versa

  58. dee

    June 19, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Am in a fix,there is did caring guy I met,educated has an ok job Godfearing but nt so goodlookin and polishd,infact he grew up in a deeperlife family but is a little xposd now but not enuf for me to want to marry,tin is I tink dis guy is rite wit me but I can’t come to terms wit his looks n unpolishd look,guys wat do u tink I shud do?

  59. Rosie

    July 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Relieved to know Im not the only one who wonders why security guards, taxi drivers, mtn credit guys, etc make a pass at me when they are no way near my calibre! I know they are all human beaings but I find it soooo demeaning!! It makes me so angry at times because they should know that I am way out of their league! YES STICK TO YOUR OWN KIND , IT MAKES THINGS FAR MORE SIMPLIER!!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Cabo Verde Airlines launches Flights to Beautiful Visa-Free Cape Verde

Star Features

Advertisement
css.php