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FRIDAY TRACK: Bokotoo tastes as good as skinny feels (So…Kate Moss, Shut it!)

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Kilon Sparkles!

Pot Belly…
Pot Belly, pot belly, pot belly, pot belly
This Pot Belly been doggin’ my soul since the day I was born
I’m Worried…
Worry, worry, worry, more worry
This excess adipose tissue just will not seem to leave my torso alone

They say the first step to confronting something is acknowledging it so in that case – I am the Renaissance man and I am facing a mini pot belly crisis.

The once incomprehensible idea which I smirked with disgust whenever I saw a Senegalese wearing ‘Alhaji’ rocking his pretty-paunch-swag has also cornered me. After months of denial, I have accepted and decided to do something about what can only be described as the worst confirmation that slim fit shirts are no longer a good look for me.

I’ve tried a number of things from eating less to replacing 9 oz. sirloin steak with watermelons to outright starvation but perhaps if I actually stuck one of these out for more than 2 days then I’d have a higher success rate.

Last week, I hired a trainer (….don’t get ahead of yourself…) this isn’t Kimora Lee-Simmons style trainer with the trendy trainers and Oakley sunglasses; my trainer opts for slippers ton k’alleluya soke and a stern look. Instead of a state-of-the-art gymnasium, we use my terrazzo-floor parlour and decorative vases as dumbells. If truth be told, the idea of hiring a trainer is greater in thought than in practice.

I’ve had to quickly keep my chap in check with instructions of no pre-session phone calls. I mean, who wants a human alarm clock breathing down the phone with frightening levels of enthusiasm?….I’m like ‘dude it’s o’clock, let’s not OD on the positivity’.

My first ‘workout’ session was as painful as watching Roger Federer’s forgettable set at the US Open semi-finals. Sleep deprived, I couldn’t be bothered to put on proper sport gear so I ended up doing jumping jacks in my jalabia with bare feet. Prior to that, I’d spent 10 minutes exercising my CD collection trying to decide whether Rick Ross’ B.M.F was ideal workout music.

Anyway, after an exasperating 45minutes of looking ridiculous in front of family (who tried their best to keep a straight face as they watch me manage 2 sit-ups), the first session was over and I was feeling rather fresh. I downed a couple cans of B-Star energy drink (the best energy drinks in Lagos by far) followed by an energised yoruba rendition of ‘…. I Got a Feeling…’ in the shower.

I’m sure you can understand my excitement, after all, this is the same boy who managed to talk his way out of PE for most of his high school years, often exercising his lungs with cigarettes instead with the cool kids and laughing at other kids who were supposedly ‘uncool’ for chasing a hockey puck or cricket ball around.

And so the inactivity continued, until I realised I could hardly walk 2 flights of stairs without a sigh or heavy breathing as if I’d just been harassed by GMTV’s Mr Motivator.

Later that night, I was eager to hit the club to celebrate. After all, it isn’t everyday a novice manages to do 45 press-ups – is that a round of applause I hear?

Thank you thank you thank you, you’re far too kind!

This excitement was short-lived, the next morning I woke up to a shocking revelation that I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t physically move my lower body. After several attempts, I just gave up and laid there before screaming out loud. I naturally picked up the phone to call the trainer; the conversation went a little something like “o ti daran o”! (You’re in trouble)

He felt the only way of calming me down was to laugh hysterically on the other end. That just infuriated me even more. All I could think was OH.HELL.NO!

That muscle Mary better be thanking his lucky stars that he was on the other end of the phone otherwise, both him and his biceps will get the Oshodi Bus stop treatment.

I couldn’t stand up straight for the rest of the weekend – laughing was as uncomfortable as watching a woman relieve her weave itch with your Mont Blanc pen.

So I beg my people, when next you see me – feel free to point to the obvious. Just remember that you are the same persons who once told a boy that he was too skinny and he needed some meat, now that I let myself go, you’re the same ones who spot my pot belly from the entrance of Marquee from your outdoor table.

Food will punish you all!

This week’s Friday Track is Giggs with his heavy heavy British grime smash, Hustle On.

Enjoy!

39 Comments

  1. DU

    September 17, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    So I beg my people, when next you see me – feel free to point to the obvious. Just remember that you are the same persons who once told a boy that he was too skinny and he needed some meat, now that I let myself go, you’re the same ones who spot my pot belly from the entrance of Marquee from your outdoor table.

  2. Geekgirl

    September 17, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    llllllllllllllllllllllllol

  3. Nana Bella Writer too

    September 17, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    its official you KILLED IT! That was the funniest piece you’ve written. You had me laughing from beginning to end. And i hate to say it but i’m officially inlove with you and your potbelly (sad but true). Kudos dude.

  4. Chei!

    September 17, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Ohh bokoto! how I love thee!

  5. Oluchi

    September 17, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    laughing out loud. This is funny.Shey, na skinny body u want? you have to put in the work required. If na rock abs u dey seek, bros u gatt to put in the work. If you have never exercised ur body before, the first time exercise will hurt u like yes u can’t get outta bed. The next thing to do is a light exercise and a warm bath until ur body gets used to being exercised properly. Bros, go back to gym. Pot belly is not cute.

  6. BKNY

    September 17, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    LMAO @my trainer opts for slippers ton k’alleluya soke

    • Ready

      October 29, 2010 at 10:51 pm

      Lol…that and “I couldn’t be bothered to put on proper sport gear so I ended up doing jumping jacks in my jalabia with bare feet.”

  7. gbegborun

    September 17, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    heyyyyyyy
    we are made for each other! I see you referenced my bostonian homeboy at the start….RayLM is a genius… And I am meant to be your wife ; )
    My advice…embrace the pot belly, all the better to balance your wads of cash on 😀

  8. sisi

    September 17, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    lol. keep up wit d exercise. u wont notice the pain after a while.

  9. F

    September 17, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    that was classic. i completely <3 it

  10. Gbubemi

    September 17, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    FANTASTIC WITTY READ!!!

  11. tbn

    September 17, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    jumping jacks with jalabia and bare feet???… lol hilarious! 🙂 I missed you last week, where were you? my last weekend felt like there was something missing 🙁 Keep on doing what you do man.

  12. lolo1

    September 17, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    lmao…..infact rotflmao……….chei!! great way to start d weekend!!!! pot belly sha… u and me both… i get inspired to work on it only on the days of the week that start with “A”….

  13. phunk

    September 17, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    kilon sparkles>>>>u r just the man>>>>>>witty lines that kill me over & over again>>>>>>.keep doing u

  14. shade

    September 17, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    Lovely read. Had me laughing from beginning to end. By the way, your trainer is hilarious. lol @ “O ti daran o”.

    Why not try incorporating fiber into your breakfast every morning. It really helps kick start your digestive system. And think of exercise as a way of keeping and staying healthy not trying to be skinny. At least if you do so, you’ll be able to wear your “slim fit shirts” , walk 2 flights of stairs and more without breathing heavily, and keep up with the marquee crowd. Just a thought.

  15. Aibee

    September 17, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    LWKMD! But seriously, i feel you cos I’m going through the same thing ‘potbelliosis’ at the moment. I took the easy way out, sha. Set myself a goal of 3months to shed 10kg and drop 2 dress sizes. Hopefully by Chritmas, I’ll be a figure 8 again like I was some 2 years ago. Wish me luck.

    • ogefierce

      September 19, 2010 at 8:29 pm

      @ Aibee spill it ,how did you achieve that? am also a ”sufferer” of extreme ”potbelleosis” hehehee

  16. Iya2

    September 17, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    I love you 🙂

  17. Jess

    September 17, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    Lmao oh my word. I literally died at “slippers ton k’alleluya soke” hilarious read. Thank you.

  18. missy-spectacularrr

    September 17, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    …relieve her weave itch with a Mont Blanc……..takes the cake!!! LMAO!

  19. The Taciturn

    September 17, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    Really funny post. Having ‘pot belly’ is the one thing I consider impossible in my future. If you’ve ever seen me, you’ll understand. If not, …

  20. Getyourown

    September 17, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    The Mont Blanc weave scratcher image is hideous. You are a funny funny person. Good luck, I am tackling my pot belly with two a day exercises. I hurt but this shrinking belly is worth it.

  21. ufedo

    September 17, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    lol.. nice.

  22. ufedo

    September 17, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    and i like that even the men are beginning to be weight conscious, y’all gats to look good too..*wink

  23. newyork

    September 18, 2010 at 11:21 am

    funny

  24. joicee

    September 18, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    lol..just remember no pain no gain..Keep your eyes on the price aka sixpack

  25. Ronnie

    September 19, 2010 at 11:00 am

    heheheheheeeeee

  26. ogefierce

    September 19, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    LWKMD!!!!!!!! dude, you cracked me up sooo bad,i can’t stop laughing.You’ve got words meeeennnn…

  27. busola

    September 19, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    bobo has killed me oo….funny piece! I wouldn’t consider myself as someone with a pot belly.. however I’m extremely concious. Going to the gym and use of body shapers does it for me 🙂 Bobo, why not try body magic. I heard they have shapers for men too. With the reviews, people say it works well..

  28. Lohi

    September 20, 2010 at 2:52 am

    HAHAHA!!! Total Lovage!

  29. Black Knight

    September 20, 2010 at 8:41 am

    HILARIOUS! I can relate to this man, its just your body trying to adjust to the extra strain, when I started my workout program I couldn’t laugh for a week without holding my mid-section.

  30. maxyaxy

    September 20, 2010 at 9:38 am

    lol….thank God the “haters” aren’t here to post their silly self absorbed opinions….GREAT READ, NO DOUBT!!!

    • Peperempe

      September 20, 2010 at 11:09 am

      even when there are no “haters” some internet olopa cannot stop looking for them. Why don’t you just leave your comment and leave others to do the same?

  31. MissLC

    September 20, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    LMAOOOOOO …d mont blanc and weave part was just classic..nice one mr omotayo

  32. Molicious

    September 20, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    LMAO, hahahahahahhahah, toooo funny. Nice one

  33. barbarellanoir

    September 21, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    pure hilarity!!!!

  34. ajs

    October 29, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    This piece is off the chain>>>>GODARNIT!!!

  35. vickky

    November 20, 2010 at 1:01 am

    WOW. ROTFLMAO!!! This piece is a classic. Bobo, pray tell, how did you plan to deal with your trainer (even if he was in the room with you) when you couldnt even get out of bed.
    Loved the bit about jumping jacks in your jalabia with your family trying to keep striaght faces. Also the idea of a montblanc pen used to relieve a weave itch….just thank God it wasnt used to scratch a nostril or worse.
    Keep up the good work.

  36. kookaburra

    December 1, 2011 at 3:59 am

    OMG! i love this article.

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