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The Myth of an Ideal Man

Glory Edozien

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I loved the group Salt and Pepa when I was growing up.  I remember how I would record their songs from the radio and then have all the lyrics memorised in barely a day. (If only I had paid as much attention to my Math and Physics homework, perhaps I would be a Shell Engineer by now. Oh well!). Just like them, I wanted to wear the same multi coloured t-shirts and jackets with cycling shorts and sneakers/boots and have my hair packed up in a curled pony tail. I wanted to sing, act and dress like Salt and Pepa!

Of course, my parents always refused to let me step one foot outside dressed like all the colours of the rainbow, so the closest I came to being like Salt and Pepa was sounding like them. I had all their songs memorised. Despite their more popular songs like “Shoop”, “Lets talk about Sex”, “Push It” and “None of Your Business”, my best song was “Whatta Man”. Although I knew all the words to the rap and chorus, I doubt very much that I actually knew the meaning of the words that were coming out of my mouth.

Today, however I find that myself and many women are holding close to the ideals expressed in that very song. The song, essentially details what the female rap group sees as the key qualities of a ‘good man’. A smooth voice like Barry, a body like Arnold, with a Denzel face and a God sent original of a man of their dreams.

Truth is, every woman, and man, has an idea of the kind of person they would like to marry. Tall, intelligent, rich, handsome, generous, godly, the list is as long as my right and left arm put together. Most women, if they allow themselves to admit it, will confess that they have day dreamed about the exact kind of man they want to marry, and very few times does the imaginary image of this husband-to-be differ from the characteristics mentioned above. We all want to marry a man who people will look up to and admire. A good dresser, an eloquent speaker with that bad boy turned Christian attitude. A man who will forever make you the envy of your friends. In reality, there are very few men that meet that description and fewer still are available.

Recently, I sat back and listened in silence while two close friends of mine argued about the merits of dating a particular guy. I am sure I have spoken about a particular friend of mine, Temi in previous articles. Temi, would be the kind of woman you wouldn’t be happy to see your man around. Among Temi’s numerous good qualities she happens to be tall, pretty, sweet and very polite. Till this day, we, her close friends, are frankly shocked that she has been single for this long. It was this topic of Temi’s prolonged singleness, that engaged her and Ngozi in heated conversation. I sat back like a nonchalant referee, eating my chips and Shawama, praying that neither of them would ask for my opinion.

Ngozi had introduced Temi to her cousin, Eloka, hoping that they would hit it off and eventually end up dating. Unfortunately, Temi was not as ‘keen’ on Eloka as Ngozi would have liked. According to Ngozi, Eloka is an upcoming go getter, a guy in his early 30’s, who already is  a global brand manager for a multi national company, has a flat of his own and is looking to settle down. She really couldn’t see why Temi was not interested in her cousin. To be fair, Temi didn’t give much of an excuse for ignoring Eloka either. All she kept saying was “he isn’t what I am looking for”. And anytime Ngozi would ask her what she was looking for, she would say she would know when she saw it.

After seemingly trying to curtail her anger to no avail, Ngozi, let loose a tirade of statements on Temi that I am sure she had been wanting to say for quite a while but held back because of friendship. She told Temi that she had a ‘problem’ and that she didn’t know what she wanted, because she was looking for a man who simply didn’t exist. To which Temi replied “Ngozi, it is not by force to date your cousin.” Frustrated with the outcome of the conversation and my refusal to offer any words to support her cause, Ngozi gave up and changed the topic.

As I drove home, I wondered why I had remained silent throughout their argument, instead of lending my voice to support either opinion. After much reflection, I realised it was because for the first time ever, I didn’t have a single opinion on the matter. I too like Temi have dreamt of the kind of man I would like to marry. So much so, that his exact facial features, build and strut is ingrained into my frontal lobe. Infact, if he walked into a room right now, I would faint from sheer shock. So I could understand why Temi was a bit reluctant to deviate from her particular picture. But on the other hand, I did see reason with Ngozi. Maybe this imaginary picture of Temi’s was hindering her from finding her potential mate, after all, why rely on an imaginary boy-friend when you can have a real one who actually speaks, talks and could possibly marry you?

When I got home, I called Temi and my advice to her was simple. Eloka may not be her perfect man, his facial image and general outward disposition may not be what she has dreamt about since she was a teenager, but it is possible, that Eloka’s qualities far supersede any imaginary idea of perfection she has ever had. He may even have qualities that she didn’t know she would need as a woman, qualities she may come to love and fear to live without. And for those qualities she doesn’t like, maybe with a gentle nudge here and there, she could carve out a better man from the rubble that she now sees as Eloka. After all, what really is the fun in meeting someone perfect? Where is the progression in meeting someone who already has everything you want? In life, the things we learn to appreciate, the most, are the things we have contributed towards.

So for all my ladies out there, if images of a perfect knight coming to rescue you on horse back are the dreams you have been nursing for all these years, maybe, just maybe, it is time to consider that those images of perfection are the ones holding you back from living your dream.

Photo Credit: http://img.listal.com

Glory is the host and executive producer of Inspire Series, the web talk show which uses the collective stories of everyday women to inspire others. She believes women are more than hand bags, hair, make-up and other externalities and is passionate about about pursuing purpose and living above societal conformities. She is also a day dreamer, and romantic at heart who loves TV, food and family. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @inspiredbyglory and read more from her on www.inspiredbyglory.com

106 Comments

  1. changing faces

    February 11, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    There’s nothing wrong with dreaming, but always remember they are called dreams for a reason!

    Anyways, if Temi doesn’t want Ebuka, i can recommend my friends! 😉

    • mary007

      February 12, 2011 at 8:26 pm

      Thank you very much Changing faces I have plenty of recommendations too! Glory is changing too in her attitude towards her ideal man

    • Belle Blogger

      April 3, 2011 at 1:24 am

      I agree nothing wrong with dreaming. Checkout http://whytweetwhenyoucanblog.blogspot.com for the ideal guy.

  2. THANK YOU!

    February 11, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Mennnn! Gloria, I love you! ***nohomo*** That last two paragraphs couldn’t have been said any better!
    I know many people who fit the description of Temi who isn’t married! because they keep letting Good men slip through their fingers. Just like Ngozi, i get soooo frustrated at them. If you query most happily married women today, they will tell you that the man they are now soooo inl ove and happy with, did not fit there day-dream of a man initially.

    • jennietobbie

      February 11, 2011 at 9:30 pm

      I love this girl too!!!!

    • G

      February 14, 2011 at 10:00 am

      U r soooo right! i am a living witness

  3. Gbagaun!

    February 11, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Wow, I really love this article!
    Your friend sounds like someone I know.
    Great job Glory!

  4. oma

    February 11, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    beautiful and realistic piece, love it!

  5. Newbie

    February 11, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    First to comment, yayyy!!!!!!! I’v heard Glory, wil do as advsed.lol

    • Golddigger

      February 12, 2011 at 11:38 am

      not really!!

  6. Oyimi

    February 11, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    ” After all, what really is the fun in meeting someone perfect? Where is the progression in meeting someone who already has everything you want? ” you are so right with these words, i never thot about this . IF he was perfect , we ll say he ‘s too boring

    • lolade

      February 11, 2011 at 7:15 pm

      I concur 100%. Glory, u’re something else. I clicked on this piece hoping it would be yours, esp cos d title seems a kind of yours, and I’m not disappointed one bit. Great lesson for me. U know sometimes we think the physical qualities are really important ‘cos drs little we can do to change that. Say for instance I’ve always dreamt mt kids wud be cute fair little angels. And then this dark dude shows up. Knowing I’m not so fair too, what are the chances of having fair pretty tots. U get my point?

  7. foolish talk

    February 11, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    I just want a man to make me feel good while we are still both alive. My expectations are that once we choose to date its about doing things that bring the other joy and drawing a boundary line without being afraid to do so. I want a man who knows himself and is gentle enough to allow me get away with murder but reel me in with tough love. Does he have to be rich? No, Drop dead gorgeous? NO. Overly Romantic No! It just makes no sense going through the struggles of a marriage with someone you really dont feel makes you happier!

  8. Aibee

    February 11, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Gloryyyyyyyyyyyy? Were you sent to me? This Article is exactly what I need at this point. I have 2 Suitors. One can’t speak grammatically correct English to save his life, has a kid outside marriage, plenty of Sisters with the attendant in-law drama. The other one is handsome, responsible Godly, hardworking etc. In short, everything I want in a man. What’s holding me back? He is Ibo, I am Yoruba. I’m too scared of all the drama that comes with having inlaws whose language you don’t understand. Heeeeellllllp!

    • sweetie

      February 12, 2011 at 2:36 am

      Dear Aibee, you need to look deeply at what u want. Would you rather live a life of embarrasment with someone that cant even construct a correct statement in english just because he is yoruba, or would you rather be with someone your heart yearns for and who yes i am going to say it *completes you, arrgh, damn u tom cruise* any way, you r focusing on the little things rather than the big picture. What of people that marry people from other nationalities and are still happily married 3o years and counting. My dear know what u want, speaking yoruba with ur inlaws is not the beginning and end of life, believe me there are more glorious things in life. My uncle is married to a woman from bayelsa and yes he is igbo and they truly have one of the best marriages i have seen compared to another uncle of mine who married someone who he cane ”speak the same language with his inlaws”. Dont let a good man pass u by cuz of irrelevant things.

    • Aibee

      February 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm

      Thank you Sweetie. Fortunately for me, the youruba guy isn’t for me. I confirmed that in prayer and so was saved the embarrasment,lol. As for the Igbo guy, I’m still praying. Just need to calm my fears,lol

  9. Tee

    February 11, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    I totally love you for this piece!!! I am 100% Temi if not more. The past couple of weeks, my mum and sisters have been having various sessions with me; telling me how i need to wake up to reality. This post is actually my wake up call! Right now i am telling myself to give someone a chance but honestly i always give up on the person before i even try. I need HELP!

  10. babedazzzle

    February 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Think I needed to read this, very well written and true!

  11. Nikky

    February 11, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    I can hug u rite now lol, please tell them and I hope they learn from this article.

  12. BAVA

    February 11, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Good write up here Gloria….Never been that kinda lady tho and at the same time….i don’t just date anybody that comes ma way…..i hope the ladies will go through this and not just people’s wedding pictures.

    • lolade

      February 11, 2011 at 7:20 pm

      hahaha Bava! what’s with the beef? Lyk we only go thru wedding pics n fantasize in our heads? C’mmon! we can be really serious, you know.

  13. Nonnie

    February 11, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    My dear Glory, the image of this imaginery guy has decieved so many of us. But realising that now is still ver timely.
    I hope to end up with one person I can call my soulmate.

  14. Nonnie

    February 11, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    My dear Glory, the image of this imaginery guy has decieved so many of us. But realising that now is still very timely.
    I hope to end up with one person I can call my soulmate.

  15. Taj

    February 11, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Love it!! You hit the nail right on the head Glory.

    It is NOT easy to find our ideal man while living abroad I must say. I think it might be easier at home….I may be wrong,I live in one of the Whitest states in the union and trust me you wont even find men to turn down, let alone date date. Marriage…..na different story. Some of my mates here have closed their eyes and picked. Sad situation.

    • lola

      March 14, 2011 at 10:24 pm

      wow I can really relate to this your comment, I also live in one of the whitest states in yankee. lol so I know how it is. But I believe that there is still hope and i am doing my best to not stay in this state all the time. Just because I school here, doesn’t mean I can’t broaden my horizons. I try to travel around to visit family and family friends and always meet new friends. Could any of these “friends” could be potential lovers? I really don’t know, time will tell. God will help us sha

  16. Ifyo

    February 11, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Gdozien…nice one, my darling cousin!!! The last two paragraphs hit the nail on the head…It pays to be open-minded! ;o) xx

  17. adenike

    February 11, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Quite on point Glory!! I’ve always wanted a TDH dude, especially due to the fact that I’m short. But hey,i met a short dude about 4yrs ago and we’re still together till date. He’s my Denzel Washington honestly.At times,i feel he loves me more than i do. But at times i secretly ask myself,what if that TDH dude(my fantasy) comes knocking? #runsandhides#

    • zinny

      February 11, 2011 at 10:33 pm

      that was my exact question, i settled for second best and now what i feel is my Mr perfect is right before my eyes.i am gradually drowning.

    • Kumzy

      February 13, 2011 at 12:46 am

      Hi,
      I am not married yet and it might seem I am being self-righteous but I will like to encourage you (from what I’ve learnt from people with good marital experiences)…that it is important to 1st know in your heart that

      1)marriage is for life…if many of us have that view, there will be far less divorces…I know you feel like you’ve settled for MR second-best; even if you have, it is still your marriage and you can make it work by prayer, u working on yourself and asking God to work on him but most importantly loving him for who he is, appreciating him for who he is, not comparing him to anyone else…because the grass is always greener on the other side & the devil you know is better than the one u dont…this Mr perfect you think he is might not be all he seems to be.x

    • Itunu

      April 4, 2011 at 9:13 pm

      Usually Mr Perfect is one of two things – a phantom (ie he just seems perfect but really isn’t) OR the result of one’s woman’s long hard labour. Go on and make your Mr. Second Best your Mr. Perfect. You have everything it takes

    • Pizzazz

      February 12, 2011 at 2:00 am

      I think if you have found all your looking for,appearance or least of all,height should be the tiniest of your worries cause beauty will fade and height will shrink but true love…thats what will keep you,not the TDH part

  18. happy face

    February 11, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    im one of d dreamers n so far its gotten me nowhere…. im a sucker for a handsome face , i just cant do physically unattractive …but i think God may be pulling out the joker on me now n its one bitter pill to swallow… i need help.

  19. creamy

    February 11, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    i m seeing a guy who is nothin close to my dream man but guess wat, i love him to bits. i dont regret givn him a chance cos everyday i discover a new trait in him i never thot of.

  20. Lady Jaye

    February 11, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Certain things like looks are a no-brainer. Sure, I dream of some tall, dark and handsome dude, but it’s stupid if i let a good man go because he is not tall enough for me. Or it is stupid if i ignore a man because he makes only 40,000 dollars a year as opposed to 80,000 dollars, or that he is just starting out instead of filthy rich.

    But as for certain things – like kindness, joy in life, responsibilty, a desire for family – come HELL or HIGH WATER, those are not being let go of, because i wouldn’t be happy with a man otherwise – and he won’t be happy with me.

    It must all be put into perspective.
    Yes, a lot of things don’t matter, and it’s stupid to hold out for them.
    But a lot of things also DO matter very much, and it is even more stupid to NOT hold out for them.

    marriage is not the end-all, be all of life (although it is a great end, and certainly something to aspire to). Divorce (or forget divorce – even the pain we will cause each other) is no joke.

    I actually applaud Ngozi. Even with all he unrealistic ideals, she managed to stay true to herself. if she didn’t want it, she didn’t want it. having unrealistic expectations is just as bad as dating someone out of pressure. She is right. Even if she was not unrealistic, it is not by force to date anyone.

    • Lady Jaye

      February 11, 2011 at 5:58 pm

      oh sorry, i meant temi.

  21. Baby

    February 11, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    Wow! You just hit the nail on the head! I’m 27 and still fantasizing about the knight in shiny armor like a teenager. Lol.

  22. Ib

    February 11, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    Just one of the many reasons,i love u GLory…MMMMMMUAH!Wonderful…Hit the nail on the head!!

  23. Temi

    February 11, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Mehn, I am holding on to my dream man, lol.

    But seriously, whilst it is good to have dreams and hopes and expectations, the key is to keep them realistic. Well written Glory!

    http://temiville.wordpress.com/

  24. myne Whitman

    February 11, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Great and refreshing article. No man is perfect, just like we women aren’t too. So ladies, shine your eyes.

  25. Ytee

    February 11, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    I have been having this conversation with myself in the last 4 weeks(since I got older in January,lol) and I have come to the realisation that there are some things worth fighting for… Not everything I want but those I need. So I made a pact with ‘me’ to ask whenever I think that’s not my type: will it matter in another few years? If yes, he’s a goner. If no, I’ll give him a chance.

  26. Chibaby

    February 11, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    shoo….I don’t want a Denzel but he gotta look good and can even be better looking than Denzel.

    Yes, I admint I am just like Temi. I am in my own rehab now trying to recover from the Temism syndrome. lol. Temism.

  27. dami O

    February 11, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    that temi lady sound like my friend and guess what her bf of today is exact opposite of the imaginative guy she has been waiting for five years thank God she finally woke up from her fantasy land.

  28. Africhic

    February 11, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    I should have heard this story 10 years ago. Now i am 35 single and ready to mingle. But seriously Glory this is something i have recently realised as well.

  29. Dee

    February 11, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    On point again Glory! Lord deliver us from Teminism syndrome.

  30. jennietobbie

    February 11, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Glory….you are naturally brilliant! Point. Blank. Period. Someone should give this girl a record deal!!!!

  31. TweedyTohbad

    February 11, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Glo!Glo.Darling, you did this piece justice. i have friends who are 35 and they are still after the “IDEAL” man.Body of god,power dresser, eloquent speaker even to the extent of being a British or American. In the real sense, those ones are taken. None left on the shelf. My advice for Temi is that she should make do with Eloka and tailor him into these thing. and if she doesnt want him, pls send him my way.

  32. Simangi

    February 11, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    Nice post.

    I don’t have a list of qualities I’ll like to see in a man instead I am doing things that should be in the supposed list. I don’t know who he’ll be but all I want in a man is that he’ll be my own.

  33. Hali

    February 11, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    That’s a great article. Funny how people are sure of what they don’t want, yet have no idea what they want. The danger in this is, is that since a huge number of us make knowledge-based decisions, we end up with what we don’t want, because we want is not yet known.

  34. Ibo Omoge

    February 11, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    Hmm…Good article. But I’m a bit on the fence on this one. For those of u who think she should “make do’ with Eloka; is she not allowed to make a choice? I mean, it’s possible that she’s not just feeling the guy. Is that a crime? The guy may be young successful and all what women want, that doesn’t mean he should be forced down her throat. If she refuses him cos there’s no connection, I don’t think that makes her picky. There’s nothing worse than forcing oneself to “feel” or love another. Another reason may be that you both expect too much too soon from her. You said Ngozi wasn’t happy cos Temi was not as keen on Eloka as she would have liked. Well it’s not about what Ngozi wants or likes. Maybe Temi needs more time to come around. Not everyone can turn on the “like/love” switch in an instant. In the mean time, you guys should just let her be and try not to “mother” her about Eloka all the time so that u don’t frustrate the poor girl. Remember it’s not by force like she said. If the situation changes between her and Eloka, she’ll tell you. If it doesn’t, that’s fine. Don’t judge her for it. Then maybe he wasn’t for her anyway. He may be for some other lucky girl. And please, don’t worry about Temi not being with a man despite being “tall, pretty, sweet and very polite”. I read on someone else’s blog where Men were compared to food. God has made it so that some women get noodles, some get rice and others get beans. They all have different cooking times. Her’s may just need to cook a little longer. Patience.

  35. Rica

    February 11, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    Hey, This is so true. But in my case, I have never held men back based on their looks and financial status. i love people for who they are. I dated a guy for four years, i loved him so much and I have been there for him when he had nothing. Just now that things are beginning to look good, he broke up with me just a week ago. Its by HIS grace I can even communicate right now. So you tell me, how do i love a man again who is not complete, cos I am afraid of helping a man “progress” and when the time comes for me to enjoy the progression, he claims to be “outta love”. I live in Canada, where men are scarce. So tell me , where do I begin from.

    • Jane

      February 12, 2011 at 5:24 am

      Wow! same thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago. Was with this guy when he had nothing. We were together for 3 years and just now that everything has finally fallen into place he’s feeling “choked” in the relationship. Seriously, just like you, i’m not sure i’m up for “managing” with any guy oh while he tries to get himself together.

    • Ibo Omoge

      February 12, 2011 at 5:27 am

      Aww Rica…*giving you a big hug*…You did nothing wrong by helping. You were in love. Maybe he just wasn’t for you. God may just have saved you from an impending marriage disaster. I know it seems like all hope is lost and you’ve played your last card, but you are so wrong. Don’t think about where to start from, just live your life and pray to God to cross paths with you and your destined one. Even if you live in outer-space, he’ll find you. Don’t worry about not loving another man either. Honey, when it happens, you won’t know what hit you. In fact, you’ll be thanking your stars. Another important thing, even when you want to, don’t curse your ex. Wish him well and leave him to God to judge. That single act of forgiveness can open up great doors for your future and happiness.

    • Onyiiiiiiii

      February 14, 2011 at 12:13 pm

      @ Ibo Omoge: I wish BN had the ‘like’ button. I tripple like your advice. NICE ONE!!!

    • lolade

      February 16, 2011 at 8:49 pm

      you’re so right. And you know what by the time your “compensation” comes, you’d be so glad he broke up with you in the first place. I like the food analysis

  36. Boadicea Asfau- Adjaye

    February 12, 2011 at 12:57 am

    wow thats all i can pretty much say.great piece of work kudos Gloria.i might have to come here often!!

  37. leanne

    February 12, 2011 at 1:25 am

    In life, the things we learn to appreciate, the most, are the things we have contributed towards. (WORD)
    i was recently told to stop looking for a man, take a boy and make him a man, cos most ready made men are married…i have snapped out of my dream!

    • Rica

      February 12, 2011 at 8:29 pm

      My dear, Please its hard enough to get men to commit to you..Not to talk of turning a BOY into a MAN. I dont know who gave you that advise, but abeg…dont turn a boy into a man. A boy is a boy, a man is a man..

  38. loli

    February 12, 2011 at 1:45 am

    I think i got the general gist of the article from the title. Nothing new here both men and women are guilty of this but it sounds like your friend is going to be single for a little while longer if her only emphasis is on physical attraction.

    Its funny how women (like to “trade-up”)and pine after men who are attractive when in reality those types are the biggest jerks of all and some of them won’t even give them the time of day.

    I’d tell your friend to seek some counseling and work on herself to get to the root of her superficiality and learn skills to choose men based on character qualities.

  39. Mol.

    February 12, 2011 at 1:55 am

    My 2 cents…contrary 2 some of what has been expressed here, NOT every single lady over 30 is single because they were looking for Mr Perfect…don’t get it twisted. They were just waiting for Mr Right instead of Mr Right-Now…get it right. Some women can spot a cheat/wife beater/insecure/insincere man a mile off so instead of jumping and jumping out of marriage in 2-4 years, they decided to wait till the right opportunity happened. And for those who think all the good men are taken, think again…..

    Also this idea that every girl can marry everybody is so flawed, u r compatible with some people & not ALL & u can’t ve a connection/gd chemistry with EVERYone …it’s not always about if they are green, yellow, tall, short, fat, skinny, stout, Edo, Ijaw except u r 21yrs old & allow tribalism to rule ur life.

    • ayo

      February 12, 2011 at 3:25 pm

      THANK YOU!!!

    • Neighbor

      February 13, 2011 at 3:18 am

      Damm Right. This article is just lazy.

  40. uju

    February 12, 2011 at 3:33 am

    Great article as always .. but am i the only one who thinks denzel washington isn’t all that??? beauty is in the eye of the beholder i guess!

  41. MUG

    February 12, 2011 at 10:02 am

    true talk… ur “dream guy” will definitely av every positive xter u can remeber … but wat of the ones u can’t?

  42. Rica

    February 12, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Yeah Omoge. Thanks for the hug. its highly needed. My aunts (so wanna curse the life outta him), i told them not to. He was a good guy when we dated, and I respect him for that. I forgive him though,as painful as it is. I believe things happen for a reason, and if this happened now, it means God has someone better for me. I wish him well in life. And I have been begging God to give me MY OWN MAN. I dont wanna love from scratch, help build a life, only to be rejected. I want a progressed man my kids and I can look up to..LOLLLLL…I no fit for help to progress again…Thanks my sister..

  43. Lola

    February 12, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Hey Guys..
    Sometimes it better to stay on the high horse. Leme use my self as an example. 4yrs ago I met a guy, who was all sorts of wrong- smelly, scruffy, but every said oh he is nice, he clearly loves you. But that didn’t save him. Fast forward 4yrs later, after a failed trip to the altar, he surfaces again, only this time he is singing the marriage song, a part of me still wasn’t convinced but after a lot of talk, from friends, mothers, aunties..lol I consented, but here’s the big shocker guys, he is still the smelly dude from way back, only this time I discover he is a coward,can’t defend your honor . So guys am sure you know the end of this story, it didn’t work out, and am back at one. So I am still dreaming( just woke up even) of my true knight. There is no need I want my husband to be TDH, with a lot of cash to go with it. If am going to have drama, it might as well be worth it.

    • BC

      February 12, 2011 at 3:46 pm

      Smelly men….you bring back memories. That is definitely a no-no for me. Experienced it once….It was like grooming a son. It is frustratingly difficult to change a man with poor hygiene. Makes you want to pull your hair out. Even if he improves, you still have unsavory memories of past smells….Goodluck dear.

    • emi

      March 26, 2011 at 5:19 pm

      yup girl.. you definitely got that right.. if i want a lot of drama it might as well be worth it. cool stuff. And why do folks always assume that one has to marry a silly scruffy looking dude with PLENTY of ISSUES!!!!! just cos your on the flip side of thirty? SMH

  44. Lola

    February 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

    #everyone

  45. Interested

    February 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Please oh I’m a single lady ready to mingle. This Eloka guy sounds interesting. Could you please specify the location of his flat and the company he works for? Thanks!

    • Ready

      February 13, 2011 at 10:10 pm

      Lol…lady, we’re not stalkers here. Talking ’bout his flat number and company he works for. Send an e-mail to Glory or sum’n…best of luck.

    • June Oh

      February 14, 2011 at 2:19 am

      I hail you! very direct

    • LOOL

      February 16, 2011 at 11:09 pm

      as in eh, serious hailing, lol

  46. Purpleicious babe

    February 12, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I like this piece, it is very interesting and the mixture of responses is quite intriguing too.

    What I would say, I am a strong believer of anything is possible and can happen in this world. Yes, you dream(it is only fantasy, however it can come true but not in the ways you have imagined).

    Personally, I believe in the real thing, when you find them you’ll know that they are the one. No matter what you try to tell yourself.

    All in all, all men and women should have faith in God, and just stay true to themselves. (i.e. prepare and actively work on developing your innerself and passion). Whoever he is and whatever he looks like or has, (I do believe in attraction in all 3 level, physical, spiritual, and intellectual). There has to be compactability, most importantly God should be invited to lead and guide the relationship…

    Not all guys with the right features have the ability to make you happy forever or compelete you. It is mportant to broaden your horizon, I myself have never been a big fan of dwelling in the tall, hot, etc. it is all about God, character, abilities, vision, attitude, committment, honesty, humility, kindness etc. Life is too radical to be too choosy based on physical looks, you are not perfect so why are you expecting perfection? Everyone deserves a chance, get to know them if you feel it wont work, pray about it and make the decision. Most esp if both parties are sort of interested. I drop my precious pen here.

    P.s even though I was not expecting anything, but I did believe that there was a guy outhere that was different and good enough for me. I was not much of the looks. But when I him, he was tall, handsome, cute, in short he was great. So it still happens.

  47. Anil

    February 12, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    From a Guy-Nice article,well written.However there’s nothing wrong in having high expectations in a potential groom.I have met women that want a slim fit,handsome,rich,caring,religious,loving,six feet,handy,quiet,loyal,who can cook well,indulge them,make love like Ron Jeremy,cater to their every need,spoil them rotten,always eager to please,who wouldn’t dare sleep with their friends,
    would do dinner,wash plates,mow the lawn etc
    Sorry,this chap don’t exist…that’s perfection!!!
    We aren’t perfect,and so are you.Btw,a lot of women saying i have not seen what i want have willingly dated slobs,cheats,smelly ruffians,gold diggers,who lied to you and used you.
    So now it’s time for the perfect dude..c’mon…u had better make do with what is available..Also many women with shopping lists for a potential dude realistically don’t have the same virtues they are looking for..Period!!!The good ones have been taken..sorrryyy

    • Mol.

      February 12, 2011 at 10:57 pm

      In your little world – maybe the good ones have been taken…not in mine & not from where GOD sits, thank u very much.

      a guy who sleeps with ur friends?? huh? is that a description! *smh* pity ur expectation from life is so low.

      I typically won’t respond to a negative remark but I just can’t stand d fact dat u want 2 speak ur death into d hearts of d women here still hoping.

      PS: from d sounds of it u r not a good guy, u r d sort any ex should be thanking God they dumped ur behind b4 making it 2 d altar!

      Nonsense!

    • Anil

      February 15, 2011 at 6:09 pm

      As always,you are entitled to your own view((s),no matter how narrow mimded they come across!!!
      I gave my own thoughts about the overtly,unnecessary,unrealistic expectations of the opposite sex when it comes to choosing a life partner.
      Pray do tell counselor what”death” emanated from
      my post??
      I guess the issue here is that of either denial,or the inability to comprehend English..
      Per ex(s).what has that got to do with the post??
      Your reply comes across as disjointed and totally out of sync to my post.
      FYI-in case you didn’t get it-a lot of women need to get off their high horses and seriously look at themselves.After all people marry every day..it’s not that there is a paucity of eligible men.What we have is a glut of women waiting for Super man!!!
      I put it to you-there are guys out there that can more than meet the “shopping lists” you carry around.The but is that other girls are snapping them up quickly…so in a way they are being taken…
      That being said go look for a man and stop -…

    • tigbo

      February 25, 2011 at 9:45 pm

      I am strongly behind u … if all the good ones are taken and he is still single then he must be amongst the “unwanted ones” sorry ..
      @ anil …u sound so rude .. u seem to have been rejected a thousand and one times but with the anger, disgust, detest and wat ve u … that u seem to carry around, pple (ladies) will have a hard time settling with someone like u .. your last statement (go look for a man and stop) … is so hilarious … u think that’s all it is to life .. having a man .. wa jo ko simbe and give me a break!

  48. Ola

    February 12, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    A lot of people think of marriage as the next stage in the life cycle. Not every woman wants to get married or to have children and not every woman should be pressured into getting into a relationship with a guy simply because he is a good “catch”. Because Temi did not tell Ngozi her reasons for not dating Ebuka doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any good reasons for not dating him. For all we know , Temi has either seen or heard something about him that Ngozi wouldn’t know simply becuase she is too busy looking at her cousin with rose – tinted glasses.
    Staying on your own a.k.a being single is not a disease and I hate people like Ngozi who say someone else has a “problem” just because Temi refuses to be a doormat.

  49. ufedo

    February 12, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    thanx glory for this… this is the sign i’ve been waiting for. its time for change.

  50. ufedo

    February 12, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    and to those thinking everyone is tryn to force temi to be with eloka, it isnt so… thats just a case scenario of how temi generally acts, no guy seems good enough no matter how diverse they might be.

  51. desiresuzy

    February 12, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    always excited weneva i see ur post,thanks a lot,very educative but folks take whichever advice dat applies to u and drop d rest,welldone G.

  52. misstee

    February 13, 2011 at 1:13 am

    A cetain great guy was so into me, he asked me out for over 5years.i couldnt see him as my ‘dream man’ cos i wasnt just attracted to him.wanna know what i did after the 6th yr of being just friends with him?…I went on my knees and cried to God to fill the missing gap in the area of chemistry.Guess what?we’re happily married!no fluke!..wise up ladies!..enough said.

  53. Naija

    February 13, 2011 at 4:28 am

    I love reading from bellanaija always.They make me happy…

  54. Feelitx

    February 13, 2011 at 10:39 am

    The truth is the best men are made by women who own them …. and are not available. Choose your man, nudge him on, encourage him and make him custom fit. Just pick a man with a good heart, a conscience and the fear of God and rest of the puzzle will fall into place. The problem with most of you women is that you date the potential of the man and not the man hence you fail to notice his inherent positive qualities. A good man who has a rock/voltron behind him will always work to be a better man for that ROCK in his life.

    • DIVA

      February 17, 2011 at 6:45 pm

      God bless u for me o!!!!! Thats what most of these ladies dont understand *with the exception of the two lovely ladies ditched by their guy after they helped make them* all the good men are taken cos some women were wise enough to take them and make them better men!!! women wake up o!!!

  55. Oge

    February 13, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    very well written as usual

  56. my day

    February 14, 2011 at 11:17 am

    i started with a guy with a handsome guy with a great sense of humour, but short and not so neat, i went on to date God-fearing, handsome but narrow-minded and a day-dreamer. Then came handsome, God-fearing, hard-working, honest, but not a great grammarian. I have not stopped wishing i could have one man with Mr. A’s humour, Mr. B’s looks and every other quality Mr C has except for the disastrous diction. The way i see it is: I’m not looking to find a perfect man, just a man who is perfect for me.

  57. Berry FeistyPen(Akan Nweke)

    February 14, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    All I can say is be true to yourself…

    http://www.berryfeistypen.blogspot.com

  58. Oma

    February 14, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Thats an average womans kind of thinking anyways but experience teaches you better that not glitters is gold.

  59. Oma

    February 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    …not all that glitters is gold i mean.

  60. P

    February 17, 2011 at 5:17 am

    It’s good to help make a man become who he ought to be…eg. supporting his dreams and what not….he’ll always be indebted to you. Just keep in mind tho that this ‘carving out’ does not include actually changing or attempting to change his behaviour/personality. Cos I tell you my dear, in the long run, you will fail. Woefully.

  61. eve

    February 18, 2011 at 11:46 am

    hi Glory, love this piece. am in the same soup. am in love with two men, one who is an auditor and the other a contractor. the auditor is very rich but care less abt me but the contractor does anything in his power to provide me all my need. the unfortunate thing is that am in love with the auditor but will be getting married to the contractor neext week. sometimes i feel like calling off the marriage but hey he does deserve that. what should i do? the auditor is a wicked person and not ready to change. am confused pls help

    • BC

      February 18, 2011 at 11:53 pm

      I will stick with Mr. Contractor. You have said yourself that the other man is wicked and could care less about you. If you have seen the red flags already, why doubt your decision to marry this man? You never know…Mr. Contractor could end up being all that you want and more, if you are willing to make him.

  62. lola

    February 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    an intresting story, lot of girls hv believe in meeting some1 so perfect

  63. Serene

    February 24, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    Loved this article! I dreamed of marrying a rock star, Lenny Kravitz to be specific then I wanted to marry Will Demps (half black/half korean American football player dream boat) and I married a man far removed from that but guess what, he is PERFECT for me LOL. God has a sense of humor. Free Temi abeg.

  64. mabel

    February 26, 2011 at 11:54 am

    ok, i just think it is all about everybody’s perception abt who they really want bcos one man’s meat is another man’s poison. but what i strongly think is that most of the times if we just concentrate on our fantasies and neglect people who come our way,at the end of the day we will be at the loser end.
    it is just God that can help us and also we av to apply wisdom bcos wat if our knight in shinning armor turns out to be a beast and the beast turns out vice versa.
    But it is just about carving out those unique qualities we desire into that person bcos seriously all that glitter is not gold.

  65. NaijaGurl

    February 27, 2011 at 3:27 am

    This article has got me thinking
    Not gonna lie I do have a ” grocery list” (as some might say) about the kinda man I want. I live abroad and my parents want nothing less than for me to marry somone from back home so I find myself panicking as the years go by and as i get older… What if I can’t find somone here to marry? and seing as I havn’t been back home in while I can’t really say that going back to look for a husband would be easy. God knows I am open mided and willing to give guys a chance but i still have my expectations.
    So now here’s my deliemma, and I need advice so I can brace myself for whatever happens: What should I do if I fall in love with a non-Nigerian, who has all the qualities I want, but then my parents say NO to the relationship and then I go back home, meet someone but there’s no connection? bearing in mind that I am the kind of person who hates to break my parents heart but then again my happiness counts too.

    One last thing, I am not a very tall girl, so I feel the need to go for tall guys or at least average height so I won’t sugar coat it but if my prince Charming turns out to be short, it would seriously be a let down… I pray to God that I can look past dat sha

  66. shanday

    February 27, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Lovely post Glory!
    I blame this fantasy that women have of the ideal guy on mills and boons novels. Seriously, the guy must be tall, dark and handsome, must sweep you off your feet, stinkingly rich bla bla bla. Women need to wake up from this fantasy. It’s not a bad thing to want a date a guy that is physically attractive, but it’s wrong when too much emphasis is being placed on the physical. What’s more important are the qualities the man possesses.
    Personality is more important than looks. A guy could be so handsome but cannot engage you in an intelligent conversation. That’s such a turn-off.
    Too many ladies want a made man but most times God won’t give you a finished product, He’ll give you a raw material. You are the one that will work with what you’ve got to get what you want. We need to look at the bigger picture and not on the mundane things. You need someone to share your life with, someone who will be there to support you through thick and turn, a confidant, someone who still thinks you are baeautiful when you’re old and gray. That’s what is important.
    Ladies, most importantly seek God’s face when you are choosing a life partner.
    May God open our spiritual eyes so that we will not miss opportunities when they come.

    Love,
    http://www.shanday.wordpress.com

  67. gee

    March 10, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Okay! Its final! Im ur #1 fan!!!! This piece is of the chain! A case of realism vs. idealism!!!

  68. Oluwapeluwa

    April 9, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    well written piece, kudos! Just as you said what is the fun in having something perfect ? provided if it those exist o.

  69. Dee Mist

    April 13, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    oooooh mi God! I think am in Temi’s shoes
    I need help…

  70. Babe

    April 19, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    True talk my sissy.

  71. uzofine

    April 19, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    hi Naijagurl, i know exactly the way u feel cuz i felt the same way about my expectations from a man. i was born and raised in naija and never wanted a guy from my hometown or outside naija. i didn’t want someone from my hometown cuz i didn’t want someone to marry me cuz my parents well to do standard(whch they earned) and i did’t want someone living outside naija cuz i am nt into long distance relationship. the funny thing is that i actually ended up marrying frm my hometown and someone living outside the country. i currently live with my husband nd two kids in the u.s. when we were introduced i was nt expecting anythn from our meeting but i was openminded about it. i guess wot am trying to say is there r things we might want in life whch may necessarily be wot we need. u don’t ave to lower ur standard in a man but u need to very realistic about ur expectations especially in marriage cuz it’s for life. talk with ppl that r happily married nd u will have an insight to wot u really need in a man. holla at me if u need to talk .

  72. DupsyPedro

    May 2, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    I highly commend your advice. More and more I ‘m starting to act in not passing up on whatever opportunities come my way to meet my Mr. Right. Too often we get caught up in having all our standards met by the first impression & in many cases that’s a lot to discover in the initial meeting. I believe it’s very important to be open to what comes our way & if it just doesn’t seem like the relationship will work then move on, but at least you tried and that will keep from not missing out on a possible blessing.

  73. Claus Von Stauffenberg

    April 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    My only advice to ladies is, if guys held out for the woman of their dreams in the same way as Temi, a LOT more women would be left on the shelf than what we already see.

  74. Triple Dee

    July 17, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    So I jst gt started on Bellanaija relationship section yestie n I’m so loving it I must say God bless ur heart Glory cos u ma dear hve jst bin touching on issues rili bothering n affecting me n I kinda see us being best friends*in ma head tho*……..here’s ma 2cents 2 dis article,I can relate with both d Temi part cos
    I do dat sometimes n I gat a questn wen a guy walks up 2 me n d 1st thing I look @ r his shoes n teeth does dat mke me picky?……I can also relate wif Ngozi’s part cos I hve sum very silly frnds….even knw sum1 hu’s all abt d dude must hve his car,hve a posh apartment n b “clean”….(Wateva dat means)n I’m always telling her life isn’t all abt dat(talk abt takin ma own advice bt den her attitude 2wards guys jst isn’t it @ all)…..newayz I’m gon start facin reality cos I hve been single 4 like 4yrs n counting nw n I wld rili wanna settle down soon,nt necessarily marriage bt hve some form of serious n promising relationship with a fine dude n I’m nt making any list again….I just want sum1 with a “GOOD HEART” cos from my understanding of ur article,I believe all other things wld b added as time goes on……..

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