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The Freedom to be…



A little while ago, I read an article online. A writer was discussing Mrs Nike Oshinowo – Soleye’s statement that she is not particularly interested in having children yet. What drew my attention however, was the writer’s vitriolic response to Mrs Soleye’s point of view and the fact that the writer of the article was female. She speculated on her fertility and suggested that there was something wrong with a woman who had no desire to have children. It was quite harsh and brought to mind a statement I’ve heard many times, that we women are our own worst enemies.

We make a great deal of noise about being in the 21st century and women’s liberation. We talk about female representation in government, women’s equality, the education of the girl child and so on. But I believe that true liberation starts from giving a woman the right to choose the most basic things, like when she wants to have children, or even whether or not she wants to have children.

In interviews, Mrs Soleye has spoken frankly about suffering from endometriosis, an under-diagnosed problem that affects a good percentage of women. She explained how the condition had traumatised her so badly that she dreaded childbirth. It was an intensely personal story to tell, but it was also extremely brave.

I am fairly confident that there are many women who for one reason or another, would prefer to either defer, or opt out of childbirth, but who have gone on to have children, dreading each labour experience, and having that resentment and fear the unfortunate heritage they have passed on to their children.

We are given the impression that it must be natural for women to want to have children as soon as we are halfway through puberty. And for a great many women, it is. However, just as there are left handed people in a predominantly right handed world, there will always be women who for some reason or the other, feel no direct or immediate urge to have children. It is their choice and their right. It does not make them witches or wicked women. It does not make them any less deserving of the name “woman”

I have often wondered about women who give birth and then abandon their children. And we all know one woman or two who seem a bit too eager to put all their children in boarding school while they travel round the world with their husbands. We know women who would rather have dental surgery without anaesthesia than become stay at home moms and women who almost seem to resent their children for needing to be born. Would it not become simpler if women could decide for themselves when and whether they wanted children, without feeling society’s reproachful glare every time they walked past?

More and more Nigerian women would love to focus on a career before becoming wives and moms, and some would just rather stay focused on their careers. I have a friend who hopes to become a trauma surgeon and fly round the world to emergency sites during natural disasters. When she gets married, she will be expected to get pregnant and have children; in other words, become a “proper woman”. What will happen to her dreams of becoming a world class surgeon if she marries a husband or gets a mother in law who thinks that a woman’s place is solidly in the home with her child? Wouldn’t it be easier if she could make a choice without feeling pressure from everyone to conform to what is socially acceptable?

Another friend of mine, a professional in her chosen field, has chosen to wait till her 40s to have a child. She’s wealthy enough to raise her child herself, and luckily has a support system that did not define her womanhood by the age at which she had her first child. She has been able to fulfil her dreams and make her own choices, at her pace. She says often that she is a better mother for it.

Womanhood is not necessarily defined by how many children a woman has. Some women have never physically birthed a child, yet are mothers, sisters and mentors to younger women. Some other women give birth to children, and then seem to take out the hurt of every unfulfilled wish on their children, stunting their growth and emotional development. Who is the real mother? Who is the real woman?

I’ve got a little over one year till I turn 30. Many of my friends are married with children. And it frequently shocks them when I tell them that I am in no rush to bear children. I like to joke that the batteries in my biological clock have run down. Responses range from horror “It’s just not natural!” to worry “You know time is no longer on your side” to the spiritual “Have you considered deliverance?” to disbelief “But you love children!” Only about 5% of the people I have spoken to see nothing odd in the fact that a woman with no obvious spiritual or mental issues would not be in a hurry to have children. Funny enough, I love children, I have worked with children almost all my life and very strangely, no matter how naturally suspicious a child is, they always come willingly into my arms and burst into tears when I hand them over. I love to read with them, play with them and spoil them silly. I’m a natural auntie, and it’s a title I bear with pride. But I have never gone home, looked into a mirror and wondered when my womb will hold a child. It might happen someday, or it might not, either way, it will not make me less or more of a woman than I am now.

Women’s equality is not just about women in government, or women in traditionally male jobs. It’s about women being able to make choices that will define their futures, and the freedom to make those choices without feeling like they will be any less womanly if they do not take the traditionally accepted route. Not every woman wants to be a wife, not every woman wants to be a mother. Some women have chosen paths for their futures that are not compatible with marriage or childbirth, some women relish their independence and freedom too much, for some others, it’s just not an issue. But in a world where the average woman must struggle against the tide in order to fulfil her potential, it would help if we as women begin that process by liberating ourselves and giving one another the freedom and support we need to live our lives according to our choices. What do you think?



  1. D pretty

    June 29, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    YAY…First…. Well Spoken Arit

    • jane

      June 30, 2011 at 2:17 pm

      I think ladies should be educated on this matter from when they are pre-pubertal so that there will lots of time to spend on decision making cos after 40, its too almost late to change your mind.

      Also, even if you have faith, which in-law or which Naija man will have faith with you. Naija men are the best cos they are family-orientated. (*thats for another day).

    • lili

      June 30, 2011 at 2:46 pm

      family – orientated?

      i think you mean cheating bastards (for a large # anyway)

  2. Fiona

    June 29, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    An insightful article if i must say!I totally agree with you and i know i am guilty of some of the views that u’ve expressed.A good read.well done!

  3. Ronkysho

    June 29, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    Let’s just say u took the words out of my mouth.. I have been married for almost 3yrs and my husband and I have decided not to have kids yet. But when I tell my friends and family they r quick 2 say all sorts.. Its not everyone that wants 2 have kids.

  4. busybody

    June 29, 2011 at 5:07 pm


    • Bola

      June 30, 2011 at 2:23 pm

      !!!!!!!!Me sef, I don’t know what to say. This kind of right is a deliverance prayer point in some churches.

      Marriage and Children enrich one’s life and one shouyld be careful in saying no to them.

      NOTE TO SOME COMMENTERS: Its physically impossible to have a good sex life and relationship with your husband, to be a good homekeeper, a top professional and to be an excellent mother ALL at the same time.

      Something must give, except one has househelps, even then.

      ……..Why can’t our men help out? They are missing out big time. And the more they help, the less wars and crimes we will have in the world.

  5. JON

    June 29, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Good write-up…I’m i the first to comment today?

    • Bola

      June 30, 2011 at 2:24 pm

      NOT NOT NOT QUITE Jon. Sorry, I just had to rep Amaka.

  6. Cherie

    June 29, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    ‎”Women’s equality is not just about women in government, or women in traditionally male jobs. It’s about women being able to make choices that will define their futures, and the freedom to make those choices without feeling like they will be any less womanly if they do not take the traditionally accepted route.”

    Best definition of “gender equality” ever!

  7. madman

    June 29, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Great article. I enjoyed reading. I don’t believe you live in Nigeria — you should see how other women torment women who choose not to 1) get married 2) have children of their own. You are heading for a life of disgrace if you don’t choose the above options. Society, churches, friends, and family members will make your life a living hell more especially if you live in Nigeria.

    SO if you don’t want to have children or get married. Don’t live in Nigeria or hang out with Nigerians. Its either you are strong-willed or heading for a life of depression.

    • mary007

      June 30, 2011 at 4:47 am

      You are 100% correct

    • fine living thing

      June 30, 2011 at 5:37 pm

      Many Nigerian parents don’t give a fig about their kids beyond the ego soothing, “I wonder what a kid of mine would look like. Oh I see, can I send it back? ” phase.

      A lot of people have kids just after marriage just to fit in with societal norms or to avoid stigma.

      Hardly do they have kids in their own time(with God’s help) which is better.

  8. sweetie

    June 29, 2011 at 5:16 pm


  9. Godlovesme4me

    June 29, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Nice write-up. Every woman has the full right to make her decision based on her morals and values and nobody esp. another woman should object to those decisions once made. There is a time for everything as we all rightly know and everyone’s timing to things happening is different. So I dont know why as women we shld judge other women based on their lifestyle decisions no matter how much we may object to them. Having a child is not easy and it takes d grace of God to go thru such experience. No woman shld be pressured or forced or guiltily influenced into going thru. womanhood when she is not ready. Just like d writer said, whether a woman decides to have a child or not doesnt make her less of being called a woman. Kapish!!

  10. Rebel

    June 29, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Arit, seldom have i read an article anywhere that has rung so true and to me specifically! I have the same sentiments of not necessarily wanting children and i get a lot of grief for it when i dare utter it. It is especially difficult to say such a thing in a core Nigerian gathering!! I have even once been dubbed “selfish” for saying it and the person went on to add “if ur parents didnt want children, would you be here” and i thot to myself, hell, i wouldnt even know if that was the case.
    There’s many things i want to do in life – see new places, develop a career, make memories etc. Why crucify me becos bearing children is not one of those things or at least not at the top of the list!!

  11. madman

    June 29, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    No matter how much Nigerians claim they have progressed, they still have very traditional viewpoints about things esp. about women, family, and marriage. Women very much this traditional role. Only very few feminists or progressive women are Nigerians. Trust me, I can count, and I’m not talking about being a woman engineer. ahaha!

    • Asiru

      June 30, 2011 at 2:39 pm

      True. But its better to skip chid-bearing and child-rearing than to be a bad mother or to even bring them into deep poverty.


    • sunganani

      June 30, 2011 at 10:04 pm

      People don’t seem to understand when you tell them this. SMH.

  12. remzo

    June 29, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    hummmmmm…well, we are definitely all wired up differently.there is no crime in not wanting to go through 9 months of the indescribable joy of carrying a child in ones womb.its all about choices;and our experiences and environment determine these. wish you all the best when and if you do get ready

  13. Kemchi

    June 29, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    I enjoyed reading ur article. Thing is a woman, from d moment she is born, is conditioned to be and think in a certain way. Anything contrary to that and people assume u’re either a problem child or there must be something wrong somewhere. I see that more women these days now take time to evaluate who they are and what they want to be. The important thing is to know without a doubt what works for you, because then you will not be swayed by peoples opinion of what they think you should do or who you should be! That way, one does not end up regreting certain decisions.
    No pt having kids only to resent them or abandon them!

  14. Cutie Toxie

    June 29, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    You make a lot of sense. 🙂

  15. wande

    June 29, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    3 years ago i was so sure i did not want kids or a husband, somehow i got married and then pregnant and i cant imagine life without my boys. i have learnt to never say never.

    • Catwalq

      June 29, 2011 at 9:33 pm

      I don’t think it is about saying never to kids but that it is okay to not have that a major deciding factor in your life choices.

  16. Donzo

    June 29, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    i LOVE this piece! Excellently written. I know all too well about the ‘time is not on your side statement’ even though i am only just 23!!!

  17. dee

    June 29, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    hmm so long as u dont change your mind when you are 45. that’s life though, something gives. if you are happy with your choices then what should it matter what others think? right?

    • Toriola

      June 30, 2011 at 5:25 am

      Dee…actually, she has a right , a God given right and in the US a flipping constitutional right to change her mind WHENEVER (read my lips, whenever) she pleases. its a right my dear. you guys fabricate age limits as if God, that you all claim inspires your moral values, engraved these age limits somewhere in the bible that we are not aware of. my stupid friend once made the same comment “whowever is stalling on having kids now should know that there are consequences o, especially when u start getting to a certain age”…i asked her who died and made her the supreme court judge that rules for or against these theories? i call it “disguised bullying”…you see someone with sagging boobs, and you keep advising them to buy a push up bra…in a way you are mocking her otherwise, zip ur mouth and mind ur business afterall,they are not ur boobs and as long as urs remain perky as u claim, why does someone elses bother u so much that u have to bring it up every time u see them?

    • Tomi

      June 30, 2011 at 1:19 pm

      My dear, no one has a God-given right to have children – it’s a blessing and a privilege. She has a right to try but not a right to have a child whenever she wants. Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you want to look at it), women’s best chances of having healthy babies lie between the ages of 18 and 35. Too often, complications occur outside of that age bracket.

      I do agree with the writer though and I am so proud of women who stand up for what they believe and refuse to be bullied – having children is not a joke and I think the most unselfish people are those who recognise it’s not for them and refuse to go into it just because society demands it.

      Even with those that have children, there’s still pressure to not only have one or two – I mean it just never ends does it?!!

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 2:37 pm

      madam Tri….its amazing how u are preaching “choices” yet wont let someone else get away with her choice of having kids before she turns 45. Did she mention God…u are obviously a very bitter person who has no idea what she wants but sees happy xtian ladies and hate them for being happy. If u had any idea about medicine you’ll know that at 45 a woman starts getting menopausal but oh? do you know that word? no but u know about religious bigots and bullying….go get a life and quit bitching…

  18. Ogo

    June 29, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    I just have one question??? Are you even married??

    • partyrider

      June 29, 2011 at 6:56 pm

      what does it have to do with anything..kmt

    • Lizzy

      June 30, 2011 at 5:51 am

      I have one question for you in return, does it matter if she is married or not?

    • Purpleicious Babe

      August 3, 2011 at 12:58 am

      YES…… For u to know whether the angle she is speaking 4rm single or married???

    • Kekeli

      June 30, 2011 at 9:25 am

      @Ogo, you just dont get it do you? After this long, long beautiful article what is the first thing you ask?…Are you EVEN married? hmmmm, what shall we do for you? write a book with diagrama?

    • Brown

      July 5, 2011 at 5:56 pm

      lwkmd @ kekeli

    • lola2

      June 30, 2011 at 12:09 pm

      Good question!

  19. Inori

    June 29, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Finally someone who has the guts to say what a lot of women are thinking.I am in my early 30″s and have no intention or urge to have children ,whenever i say this i am looked at like a freak or told condescendingly “don”t worry you will change your mind”. Like i am a child who does not know what i want in life .A lot of people ,women especially go through life doing what is expected of them: 20’s get married ,30’s have children and raise them.Not many know what they want want from life .I strongly believe that when a woman’s statement about her decision not to have children elicits such a strong negative response you are probably dealing with someone who feels the same way but bowed to societal pressure and had children when she didn’t want to. i remain happily childless and refuse to quoting an aunt of mine ” mark my register” with regards having children

  20. ncyluv

    June 29, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    The interviewer obviously resents Mrs Nike Oshinowo – Soleye’s achievement…….people like that beleive a woman is incomplete without a husband and a child. Imagine the Lady that got stabbed to death by her husband……if someone had tried to stop her from marrying him she will probably curse the person.
    Women choose your path carefully be it marriage or career.

  21. tatafo!

    June 29, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Very well thought out and well written article. I especially like the last bit about women’s equality…a lot of people misunderstand that concept.

  22. partyrider

    June 29, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    beautiful write-up..well said

  23. Bisola

    June 29, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    I totally agree with all you said …. one can be a mother without having to physically birth a child. It’s the 9ja mentality about such choices that needs some sort of reorientation.

  24. emm

    June 29, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    nice piece u ve got there but the fact is that women will still be women…married and having children. while i love this article, i believe that it does not represent the thoughts and desires of the majority of women. alot of women will still prefer to be wives and mothers and we should also respect that fact.

    • Toriola

      June 30, 2011 at 5:43 am

      I suggest you read again cos obviously, you schemed through the first time. the author never said majority of women don’t want to have kids nor did she infer that those people’s wishes not be respect. What she is saying (i will summarize) is live and let live. no one is asking you why you had 4 kids, so don’t ask why someonw hasn’t had one or doesn’t want one. you dig? stop giving people who doens’t want kids or have kids a side stare…kapisch?

    • Kekeli

      June 30, 2011 at 9:29 am

      @Ogo, I dont think the piece was meant for the majority that want to do what is “expected” of them…I think this piece is meant to bring to our attention that there are a few women out there who do not care to be defined by our” traditional” ideas of what a “proper woman” is and therefore must not be hung just because they do not derive any sense of fulfilment from those markers

  25. princess

    June 29, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Can women alone fight a society and win? my perception is crave for the norms but do not compromise too much and having yourself suffer due to societal beliefs.

  26. bimbim

    June 29, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    to start with,i have a close relative also suffering from endometrosis n i knw how mentally traumatizing it is for her,not to talk of d countless surgeries she has endured to cut off d growth(physical pain).But the beautiful thg about her is dat,despite d fact dat she has a beautiful 10yr old daughter,she still looks forward to becoming a mother again,even though it hasnt been easy at all for her to conceive again.She has a very beautiful job in a oil company in d U.S n is currently completing her Phd.In a nutshell all i am trying to say is that we are all different individuals with diffrent wishes.Just becos u want to be a career woman who wants all d freedom in d world,doesnt mean you cant be a good mum,good wife and have a decent women still find a way to balance the 2.u need to have your biological child for you to know that children are precious gift from or personal interest are not a factor to shut the gate of your womb as a woman.i can stil excuse medical conditions.#just my opinion#

    • Kachi

      June 30, 2011 at 10:40 am

      For you “career or personal interest” may not be a factor for you not to have a child, for some other women it is.”The fundamental thing here is CHOICE. No one should feel pressure to do certain thing because society(people who really dont even care about you) says you must. Life if not cookie cut.We should not assume that every woman wants what the next woman wants.As the about writer said, what about women that have abandoned their kids? If having kids is an automatic joy, why have some women abandoned their kids.I know people who had terrible childhood because their mothers were not there for them.My male friend is 29 years old and till today he cannot understand why his mom abandoned him and didnt care for him and his siblings.His voice cracks with emotions when this discussion is brought up.My aunt also abandoned her four kids (the youngest was three years old).He is 20 years old today and does not know his mother. When i look at my aunt, i wonder why she ever got married and had kids, she is simply NOT the type…

      No one should be judgmental because someone else chose a different lifestyle, focus on your own life and children!

    • Swiss

      June 30, 2011 at 5:58 pm

      Who is asking your permission to excuse anything? What exactly is your business with other people’s personal decisions. And By the way I’m a Mum and I believe adults are free to make their own decisions.

  27. BC

    June 29, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Arit, how could you have articulated my thoughts so well? God bless you for this article. I am no feminist. I think feminism so far has done more damage to the family unit than not. You and I are around the same age. I turn 30 in a matter of days. Just yesterday, a friend’s opinion about my childless state resonated in my head. This is someone who had kids starting in her early 20’s. Sent them home and remained abroad for the first 7 years of the first child’s life and 3 years for the second child. I cannot express how anxious I get whenever our paths cross. Like you, children are drawn to me once they get to know me. My friends are amazed at how I can get their kids to stop crying when others cannot. I want to be a mother so much. But time and circumstance has not made that possible. That does not mean I am a cold heartless bitch with no emotion. I literally avoid some of old friends because of this. Oh and that endometriosis business? I am familiar with a less acute version of it.

    Thumbs up!

  28. missmee

    June 29, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    I think I’m quite traditional and i believe every woman should be a wife and have a child or children at the right age… life is to beautiful to want to spend it alone for the rest of your life… yes you can say you have friends, sibling etc. but at some point they also have their lives to live and cannot be there for you all the time. marriage and having children is too beautiful a thing for any woman not to desire it… that’s my opinion.
    p.s- I can’t to get married!!!! 😀

  29. missmee

    June 29, 2011 at 6:39 pm


  30. Me

    June 29, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Well said Arit. I feel the same way with regards to how women treat other women. It is absolutely appalling to say the least. Its more disturbing because the younger women still carry this same judgemental mindset with them. So I’ve come to the conclusion that if these other women don’t change their thought process, I can’t do anything about it. But I can do something about my mindset. So I’ve freed myself of any guilt, hate or shame that I may feel just because I choose a less than traditional route for a woman. And trust me, I feel truly liberated by this. Thanks Arit for this beautiful write up.

  31. MOXIE

    June 29, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    i truly believe one should have children cus she wants to not that she has to.there are way too many children who have been born to prove their parents fertility and not because they were wanted.this has caused more trauma in their lives than they themselves are ready to admit.i personally subsribe to choice(but then again i live in africa so who am i kidding!).let both parties agree(husband and wife here;inlaws should go and born their own)and live their lives accordingly.GOD gave us the power of free will;lets use it(and be ready to face the consequences).aluta continua

    • Vero

      June 30, 2011 at 3:45 am

      I wholeheartedly agree with you on this statement. It is true, there are too many neglected children that grow up to be neglected parents and even bitter against their own parents because their parents could not handle being one. I do not have children, i do not even want a relationship at this point. I finished grad school and started my dream job and will not allow anyone to derail my dream. I do not want to harbor resentment for my child for not doing what was best for me before having him/her, no one deserves that. I do not see kids in my future, though i do love them and work with them. I’m just one of those people that believe that children are not for everyone and a woman should be the person to decide since she even with a husband will be the main person raising that child into adulthood

  32. JP Prichard

    June 29, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Sounds like a fine idea, provided women are educating themselves on how to not get pregnant. Aborting a child to maintain this childless lifestyle would be horrible.

  33. mawuto

    June 29, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Arit u couldnt have said it better.*HUGS* Meanwhile, while you feel the battery to ur biological clock has run down, I always tell people i have no biological clock ticking for me. This article applies to sooooo many other areas of our lives as women not just pregnancy. We need to stop being myopic as women.

  34. Zegzy

    June 29, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    It seems like some people did not read the article, let me try to clarify on simple sentences.

    1. People are unique. Your choices does not necessarily work for other people.
    2. Stop being judgmental about those that do not want children. It is THEIR choice. Just like it is YOUR choice to want to have children.
    3. If you can handle a career and raising a family does not mean every woman can do the same. Most people have to make a choice. Whether you like it or not, you DO make a choice. Women are often limited in their career when they start raising their children and the number one complaint for Women that are in top leadership positions are often that they wish they had more time to spend with their family. Yes you can have both, but there is NO balance in that lifestyle especially when you work in the corporate world which is competitive. Even if you had your business, you would have to work twice as hard.

    Like the author said, we should just stop being judgmental about people that make the choices to live a life different from what Nigerians consider the norm. I plan to have a career and raise my children (when God provides them). If someone makes a choice different from mine, that is their life and their business.

    • Kekeli

      June 30, 2011 at 9:58 am

      On point Zegzy
      , People are unique and must be allowed to make their choices…after all who lives with the consequencies eventually?

  35. wendy Chima-Chima

    June 29, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Dear Arit,
    may the lord bless you from heaven.
    I do not like children, i can’t stand them and cannot tolerate them either.
    i see no reason why i should be a mother…….
    i honestly cannot pick up after any child, read bedtime stories, or go to PTA meetings.
    a lot of people think i’m crazy cos i am saving up to buy myself a great house and what not. my mother thinks i have lost my mind, i have lost boyfriends cos of this issue. my mind is made up as i cannot be traumatized into 9 difficult months and then breastfeeding, and cos its not just meant for me. I’m so into myself that i cannot make room for any child. lots of beautiful black kids in Somalia, Eritrea and Ethiopia up for adoption so if i ever feel the need to…. i know where to look.

    • Happy

      June 30, 2011 at 6:07 am

      If you cant stand or tolerate children, please dont adopt a child. They are children too.

    • karolyn etym

      July 5, 2011 at 11:09 am

      ur response 2 d above mks so much huge sense,if u cant tolerate nor cuddle a child,u cant read dem bedtyme stories,y adopt,gud grief,sum ple r jst so on point HAPPY
      btw,y r d guys not commenting @ BN?????????????????????

    • nicky minaj

      June 30, 2011 at 9:52 am

      wendy you know u just took the words out of my mouth. i am so scared of child birth i dont even want to consider it. i love to get married and if my husband so desires after adopt children in our old age. i dont think you have to be a mother just because yu are married. i have lost boyfriends because i said i dont want childre that i dont voice out this opinion again.

    • Brownie

      June 30, 2011 at 2:25 pm

      You cannot build a relationship/marriage based on “untold truths”. If you don’t want a child, your bf has the right to know before committing to anything, otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a “potentially” difficult and heartbreaking situation in the future!

  36. On point!

    June 29, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Tans for this write up cos ever since I saw Nike on moments with Mo saying she didn’t want kids, I just felt her reason was cos she was so vain and didn’t want to mess up her shape (well she didn’t help matters with d way she said it) my heart now goes out to her… Again it’s good to know really if you feel dat way cos u haven’t met ur husband yet…? I only say dis cos it’s best to be very careful wat u wish urself… There’s a reason why God made man and woman, u might actually feel d vacuum in ur 50s and 60s wen all ur friends r sending u ashebi for der daughters wedding or for der wedding anniversary…

  37. justsayin

    June 29, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Good write up Arit, but we should note that if at 30 u decide u dont want a child make sure u dont change ur mind when at 45/50 u ve achieved everything and suddenly discover that u need someone 2 share these things with because at dis point it will be a little bit difficult 2 do this. jst think before u leap.

    • Toriola

      June 30, 2011 at 5:35 am

      Justsaying, thats a shortsighted comment…actually, a woman has a right , a God given right and in the US a flipping constitutional right to change her mind WHENEVER (read my lips, whenever) she pleases. at 45 or 27. Learn a french saying – “Only imbeciles don’t change their minds” so its a right my dear. you guys fabricate age limits as if God, that you all claim inspires your moral values, engraved these age limits somewhere in the bible that we are not aware of. my stupid friend once made the same comment “whowever is stalling on having kids now should know that there are consequences o, especially when u start getting to a certain age”…i asked her who died and made her the supreme court judge that rules for or against these theories? i call it “disguised bullying”…you see someone with sagging boobs, and you keep advising them to buy a push up bra…in a way you are mocking her otherwise, zip ur mouth and mind ur business afterall,they are not ur boobs and as long as urs remain perky as u claim, why does someone elses bother u so much that u have to bring it up every time u see them?

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 3:12 pm

      Tri….we know u want to remain childless but is it possible to allow people make their comments without hating them…..i repeat u are a very bitter person but whatever or whomever caused you this pain Tri aint worth all this hating…pls forgive and let go, move on with your life am sure you are one pretty little thing why so vile mouthed?????.

    • justsayin

      June 30, 2011 at 3:32 pm

      Dont make certain life choices that ve consequences and expect God 2 change it for u wen he pleases. Take responsibilty for u actions. Dont make a CHOICE at 30 and expect God to change things for u wen u r no longer comfortable with. its ok 2 not ve kids especially wen u ve a challenge like miss Nike. At 45 a woman has several things holdin her back 4rm givin birth menopause, cancer and raisin a child in your fifties is not a joke. Be ready 2 lie on da bed u made in your 30’s in your 50’s. we all put God to the test which is not ryt. if u swallow poison would u not die? we all noe da consequences of certain actions but chose to ignore dem and expect God to come to our aid. u r free 2 chose not 2 get married or ve children at a certain tym but do not turn around nd blame da witches in your family compound or accuse ur mother of being da witch dat is eatin up ur children. all am sayin is THINK if u dont want children at 3o be prepared to remain childless, if u dont praise da lord for u.

  38. 2kool

    June 29, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    Its our Christian belief, our way of life passed down from many generations! If you don’t agreed, then stay wherever you learnt to remain a strong career woman without children.

    • DayoB

      June 30, 2011 at 8:22 am

      Errrr Miss Judgemental, and for those of us who choose not to be Christian nko? Please not every one shares your religious beliefs. This nonsense of judging people who choose to take control of their lives and free themselves of societal pressures must stop! The article exposes the hypocrisy of the Nigerian society and how women are truly our own worst enemies. We can be mothers without experiencing childbirth. Shikena

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 3:17 pm

      Errrr….miss judgemental d second…she maintains the right to her belief…you dont believe in having kids she does, she believes a woman shud have kids u dont, she believes there’s time for everything you dont…I believe procreation was one of Gods first assignment to man you dont doesn’t matter….live and let live!

    • Kekeli

      June 30, 2011 at 1:36 pm

      Hmmmmm @ 2kool, can I please have scripture…nope scratch that 2 scriptures to back that?…A Matter shall be settled on the confirmation of two o three…you see ama christian too and I never do anything if I dont see it in the scriptures…

    • Sassy

      June 30, 2011 at 9:28 pm

      Have you read the genesis chapter of the bible? My dear there is not one, not two but several verses highlighting the role of a woman as a mother. Since u re a christian, be not afraid to carry ur bible and do a bit of informed research. I am not against individual choice, however have this is mind you were created for a purpose. Even though the purpose is not just childbearing! You ‘re part of an evolving system and that’s why u ‘re a woman, u have a womb, u av a veee, u menstrate (i believe), u ‘ve got boobs – beside using ds features to look good. They are also meant to serve the existence of a greater purpose – Existence of mankind. What happens if all women take up the idea of choice and decide on not having any babies. The world as we know it will cease to exist. My dear Kekeli and other sisters viaing for procreation choice, i would like to bring it to your notice you are living in a world that does not give you so much choice. At least you didn’t have a choice in the family or race u were born into, the day you die!. You are part of a synchronised system. it is simply in it’s will, live – exist – die – continuation (through a lineage).

  39. Fab junkies

    June 29, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    Nice piece, i feel u but then I’ve met countless women who say they don’t care abt marriage or having children yet they ve dis murderous look at friends’ weddings n u see dem break down in private n complain to u abt how lonely dey r so I honestly begin to wonder if truely every woman thruout their lives feel like dey dont want a husband or children. I think d prob is at some point, u begin to crave it and u mite be too old to ve a child then. But then again if u r too old to ve a child at dat point, u can adopt abi

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 3:24 pm

      God bless you sweetie….truth is most times people hate what they dont have or cant have…I know how many times I ve heard people get angry that a billionaire bought a 22million naira car and they get judgmental….until a crazy amount of millions enters their hands….all man for himself at the end of the day you get to live with your decision to either be alone or marry just choose right. Triola I expect you to react but my very personal opinion is thankGod for our unselfish mothers who sacrificed at some point to birth and raise us, today we have good jobs with maternity leaves but no we want 24/7 uninterrupted skinny jeans on stilts…every man ans for himself abi every woman answer for herself!

    • justsayin

      June 30, 2011 at 3:44 pm

      My dear, dis is my point exactly. be happy with your decision.u dont want 2 get married or ve children yet, fine!! am personally not complain but dont treat people who are married and ve kids lyke they r enemies. my uncles wife has a fertility problem so she cant concieve yet, but she treats children like they killed her in another life but on da outside she behaves lyk da fact dat she doesnt ve a child does nt bother her. i mean its so bad that if u tell any of my little cousins 2 go 2 her house they start crying. some of my aunts use it as a threat wen they misbehave. Be happy with ur decision and let others noe u r happy and no one will disturb u 4 it.

    • DIVAZU

      July 8, 2011 at 5:04 pm

      really sad….pls if you get to read this again tell your uncle’s wife that perhaps her bitterness is whats keeping her from conceiving….for goodness sake dint she read the Bible where Christ said “forbid not the little ones to come to me for to such does the kingdom of heaven belong”…ah…she’s just creating her own misery by being hateful….sad.

  40. Afronubia

    June 29, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    One of the best article I’ve read on BN. I’m not married cos it hasn’t happened and I havent met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not married not cos I’m too picky, wanting a man that u can share your interest, ideals and feelings isn’t wanting too much IMO. Nigerians follow the herding approach in life, we’re all expected to want the same things and we tend to be judgmental of people who seek out alternatives. Its not fair to force people to want what you want or what you feel is ‘right’. God bless you Arit for this piece.

  41. Adiya

    June 29, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    This is so well written. I totally agree. The day no body looks at a woman who doesn’t want kids (etc) with side eye is the day we know that women are liberated. Great piece!

  42. Tiki

    June 29, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Very true…from a very young age (about 15) i kept telling my mum i didnt wanna have kids, something I say till date. I am still in my mid-twenties, but for the most part have the same feeling…everytime I say it, my friends and family exclaim in horror! i know I’m young, but in the words of famous Kenyan writer Ngugi Wa Thiongo, I will have kids when I want! I am sooo gonna share this…

  43. sola

    June 29, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    Well written article. I always wonder why women feel they need a husband and children to feel fulfilled in life. There is more to life than a husband and children. As women we need to stop oppressing and putting down women who choose not to be married or have kids. Everyone has to walk their path in this life and which ever path you pick the person has to live with the consequences.

  44. NNENNE

    June 29, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    A Nigerian woman visited my home and asked my husband why he vacuum cleans. This woman is married and although she got married in Nigeria, she has been living with her husband in USA since the 80s.
    You can imagine the kind of son she will raise.

    • Lil miss sunshine

      June 30, 2011 at 12:42 pm

      hahahaha u made my day!

    • Asiru

      June 30, 2011 at 2:25 pm

      Some women want other owmen to endure what they are enduring.

    • Ngozi

      June 30, 2011 at 3:32 pm

      Gbam!!! Yeah, there’s that MEAN streak in women, wanting other women to endure what they’re enduring…….I actually feel the sarcasm from older married women when talking to new brides and brides to be…

  45. Uju G

    June 30, 2011 at 1:14 am

    people work and walk at different paces, so i do not understand why we are expected to accomplish certain things within a time range !?!? as cliche as it sounds … it is not how fast or far but how well .. I have so much to say on this but i’ll just give an applause, thumbs up and five star rating. Great! write up.

  46. spicy

    June 30, 2011 at 2:02 am

    Hope you girls know its harder to conceive after the age of 30 and there are higher risks of complications during pregnancy and also a higher chance of having a baby with a genetic abnormality e.g Down’s syndrome….I’m all for waiting till you’re emotionally,physically,financially,spiritually stable but do remember the longer you wait, the higher risk you and your baby are facing..
    Also there’s absolutely nothing wrong with adoption if one doesn’t wish to go through the whole pregnancy,labour,breastfeeding stage…Just make sure u give the child the love, care and affection you would give your own biological child…Shikena

    • annie

      June 30, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    • spicy

      June 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

      Thanx for the link….However,maybe you should give this a read as well:

      Infact just google it, might be an eye opener…

    • Muicy

      June 30, 2011 at 9:10 pm

      spicy, nothing is guaranteed in this life. only God’s grace is sufficient for all of us not our mere understanding and calculations. you think it’s hard after 30 right? well, some can plan and try to beat fate and have all their kids before 30 thinking they’ve beaten all odds and pheeeew! life happens. life is what happens when everything is going well and its beyond mere mortals’understanding. Now i dont wish evil on anyone and i pray that Goodness be our portions in life. Amen. however, i know a girl who got married had all her 3 kids by 29 and today she is a widow, left to raise all of them by herself. if u ask her, she wishes she was still single so she can start all over. she told me she wished, everything didn’t happen so quickly to yield this unhappy ending. look my spicy lady, my point is that we should all be thankful about our sitiation and don’t pull theories and medical research as basis for judging others cos only God knows best. so many women out there suffered and went thru hell to ensure they have a child to keep their marriage since our society puts so much value on these triival issues. after having these desperately sought kids, the kids become their only source of sorrow (e.g. robbery, gang activities, down syndrome, autism, sickle cell etc).

    • Tosin

      August 5, 2011 at 8:10 pm

      Tell them ooo.. My mum immediate junior acts like she doesn’t care that at 49 she is still not settle but when no one is there she is extremely unhappy..

  47. mary007

    June 30, 2011 at 4:41 am

    So well written. I am a mother and would not trade that role for anything in the world so moreso I completely understand with women who have chosen not to have any children because truth be told to raise a child is a career path that not everyone can tow. I have a friend whose mother only wanted one child, Nigerian society forced her to have two more, guess what she one day packed her bags and left for America. Years later when my friend and her siblings got in touch with her, it made no difference as she has no maternal instincts towards them and of cos a lot of water passed under the bridge. I agree with writer, choice is about a woman being allowed to make her clear choice on issues she has to deal with in the long term

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 3:51 pm

      True…..just make the desicion wisely…nothing as sad as a life filled with “had i knowns”

    • Trazey

      July 2, 2011 at 1:49 am

      and even the seemingly well planned lives also end up in “WTF was i thinking. wise decisions are subjectives madam so learn that ok?

  48. mary007

    June 30, 2011 at 4:45 am

    Watching Oprah’s master class and her main reason for not having kids I want more women to hear her out, in my own words she stated that having a child is a full time job and that time she was not willing to give to a child and chose her career path and I bet she has played that role to millions around the way in the way of encouragement

  49. Toriola

    June 30, 2011 at 5:14 am

    Arit Okpo…thank you for the well rounded piece. i am sick to my guts of this our failing and doomed culture that bullies women who are single or unable to have a child or choose not to have a child…dear lord! I am 27 and the way even my married friends look down and talk down on me is ridiculous. one of them had the audacity to say “eh, ore (friend) hurry up and get married so you can have ur own kids, or do u want my kids to call you aunty? i want them to call you “xyz’s mom o”. I mean what gives? what if i don’t care what your child calls me? another crazy area mother had the nerve again to call my friend who has been married for like 3 yrs w/o a child, to schedule a prayer teleconference with her so she can have childrenn….i mean the chic is in med school and just not ready to have kids now…yet people are already assuming something must be wrong. we all need to mind our business and focus on our lives not others’ lives especially when people’s pesonal choices doesn’t negatively affect our lives. it is not by force to have kids. same way everyone can’t be the same height, all have Ph.Ds , all have the same mortality age…we can’t all do the same things in this life. live and let live and stop using ur “seemingly” perfect lives as an excuse to bully your “seemingly” not so perfect friends/relatives. Leave Nike Oshinowo alone. if she chooses not to have a child, fine. it doesn’t stop u from having more, nor does it stop ur child from growing abi? Stop masking ur insincere and bullish tendencies as “concerns” for someone else……it’s not like u care, you are just using it to point out what you think is someone;s deficiences. go and raise ur 5 kids …and stop using panadol over someone elses migrane. Mscheeeeeew

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 3:57 pm

      i could say to you stop beefing women who have also chosen childbirth over being single….but then I will be violating the live and let live code but Toriola I promise you….2 years from now you’ll meet a nice guy that will sweep you off your feet and kiss away those raw nerves of your to oblivion…..suddenly a wee one with his smile and complexion is all you’ll obsess about…just wait and see….

    • halo

      June 30, 2011 at 5:03 pm

      nawa oh! i have been reading the comments section and your comments strikes me most because you sound soo angry!Abeg relax juh take a chill pill…..

    • justsayin

      June 30, 2011 at 11:26 pm

      Miss Toriola, u r one unhappy woman……damn!!!!!

  50. R-C

    June 30, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Awesome,awesome article. Also happy with most of the comments here,it shows how open minded Nigerian women are. However some people are clearly not getting the point of the article. The writer is simply saying it is okay to not want children or not being in a hurry to have any,other women need not be so horrified by this. There are too many women out there who have kids but have absolutely NO maternal feelings towards their children(who happen to be my friends). I am 31 and expecting my first baby in a few days after almost 3 yrs of marriage, to some i waited tooooo long but i couldn’t have done this at a better time in my life. I have 4 little sisters with a significant age gap between us (12-21yrs), my mum passed on 7yrs ago and i am pretty much the only mother figure they have. Do u think i was in a hurry to have kids of my own after i got married? heck no! I was exhausted from yrs of diaper changes, settling arguments,helping with school work and all that stuff. But i don’t regret it as i got to understand the responsibility and emotion that comes with being a parent.
    So pls ladies relax with the whole “it is our christian belief” or “every woman should want to get married”. The bible only SUGGESTS marriage to prevent fornication,moreover the religion is an imported one but lets not get into that. I would rather a woman recognize that she does not want or is not ready to have kids than a woman having the children to satisfy societal requirements and not being the best parent she could be. Single ladies, take ur time,find the right person and have kids when you are good and ready and if not-keep on living!

  51. word!

    June 30, 2011 at 7:23 am

    I agree with you totally…and most say that this is a well written article Arit…….:)

  52. Tosin

    June 30, 2011 at 8:15 am

    When you wrote “I’m a natural auntie” that just melted my heart. I’m 30, I love children the 10minutes a month that I encounter them too, but it may be another 10 years (or never) before I’m feeling any kind of drive to be pregnant, give birth, and be primary caregiver for another 15years. I understand why, I’ve done some good time with a shrink.
    Back to the Nike bit, why do our women keep secrets so much? Any time they suffer they think it’s time to multiply the suffering by going through it alone or with only their oppressive family members. The Truth will set you free. Stop killing yourself worrying about the wicked gossip people will start (guilty conscience because that’s how you gossip about others, lol)

  53. Tosin

    June 30, 2011 at 8:22 am

    “I’m a natural auntie” – that just melted my heart.
    Back to the Nike bit: why do our women love secret suffering so much? The truth shall set you free.

  54. lola

    June 30, 2011 at 8:46 am

    My God…..I can’t believe my eyes….wwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaattttttttt…..some people dont wanna have children,if u parents decided that,will u be here today,Oh my God……totally crazy world!

    • lola2

      June 30, 2011 at 1:05 pm

      I guess they can argue that they didnt ask to be born! But, I hear you, it is a crazy,crazy world that has gone awry! I am in my thirties now and really longing to have kids. It’s a natural instinct that you get at a certain age from what I hear. Every baby I see now is soooo cute to me that sometimes I cry! I guess some people don’t have that instinct in them. But, as they’d say, to each his own!

  55. Natoday?

    June 30, 2011 at 9:45 am

    lol @ ‘I’m a natural auntie’

  56. my day

    June 30, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Very touchy subject indeed. There are lots of women i know; some of them friends; who are loathing every second of their being wives,or mothers, but have keep convincing themselves that it is the honorable thing to do. i will be married this year,and unfortunately, i am about to join these group of women convincing themselves that it is natural to want the things we really dont want just to be tagged normal and responsible. Right now, everything is moving too fast for me to get a handle on it and i cant back out now. More unfortunate is that i love to bits the man i am getting married to but he doesnt understand it when i express such feelings. He looks at me like i am possessed….Whew! It’s more difficult to be a woman in this part of the world. Truth be told

  57. ogy

    June 30, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Good write up. i agree with everthing said here and please lets stop being judgemental……

  58. strawberry

    June 30, 2011 at 9:55 am

    amazing article; very insightful!

    I love seeing Naijas progress: there’s a Naij Boy for Next Top Model Vote on link – ends in 3hrs!!!!

  59. Bumme *luvs* NaNa

    June 30, 2011 at 9:58 am

    From all your comments, a lot of ladies here (and gents ;)) seem to get the point being stressed in this article, however, I can still sense some sort of misconception or shall I say “ignorance” *smh!* tiddling in the minds of a certain few! 1) Noone is condeming anyone for choosing to be a wife or a mother! Hell my sistersssssss *lol* are wives and mothers, and still have their careers running smoothly and I’m HELLA PROUD of them! 2) Being either or both does not necessarily hinder your professional career growth neither does having a career *outside* your home predestine you to bad mother! The point is__» Noone should be critisized for whatever choice they make! We all have our reasons (be it mental, social, traditional, personal, medical…) Abeg! We all cant fit into one shoe size! #justmy2kobo

  60. Tomisin

    June 30, 2011 at 10:09 am

    I agree with the author. I do however feel that women should be sure of what they want. Some women decide to put off children until their 40s and when they find it difficult to conceive due to age, they start being sad and regretful- ‘If I had known’. Try to plan your life well. If you don’t want marriage and kids, fine! There’s nothing wrong with that. But putting off having children till the last minute can prove to be disastrous.

    • Muicy

      June 30, 2011 at 9:20 pm

      Lol..Plan what o almighty Tomisin? you say plan as though this thing we take for granted (child bearing) lies ultimately in our hands. No, it’s God willing . my sister got married at 26, and has been trying since then…11 yrs later, nothing. i mean not one single pregnancy. I guess in that case, shall we ask her to officially give up now that she is clsoe to ur 40 yrs cutoff date? thankfully, she had her first at 37 w/o IVF. wouldn’t it have been the same result if she had married at 35 or 36?

  61. Damsel

    June 30, 2011 at 10:18 am

    [email protected] i like the way you isolated the points.

  62. bee!

    June 30, 2011 at 10:32 am

    funny enuf, my sister also waited a while after marriage b4 conceiving, it wasn’t even up to a year yet and people were starting to ask questions and wonder wot d prob was……It really shldn’t be so……Having or not having a child does not make u more or less of a woman……..

  63. 3plehaeys

    June 30, 2011 at 10:47 am

    A very gud nd educating writeup..evry1 has personal views abt dr lif,career,marriage,being a mother 4 dose dt dosen’t want kids cos dy can’t stnd it needs 2 thnk of dr 50’s wen friends arud u ar mothers,dy tends nt 2 gv u ur respect..s nt becos dy ar selfish bt dt s d gene n us as a nigerian woman,dt’s wat we advis s if u decid nt 2 hav kids or hubby den move 2 a country wher dy hav gender equality n 100%

  64. Pollyanna

    June 30, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Wow! Great article Arit.
    I am 30 years old, very very happily married for 3 years and proud mama of a boy and girl!
    I am also a Dr and own my own businesses on the side.
    Marriage, motherhood, career are such personal issues and it depends a lot on the individual concerned.
    While I would KILL for my kids, I will also be the first to say I drop them with nanny, grandma etc at any opportunity cos it’s a tough tough job being a mum and I know I don’t want any more kids!
    I just think people need to examine their reasons for wanting or not wanting kids closer. It’s not compulsory nor does it define who a woman is, but before you get upset when your mum hints, just imagine if SHE didn’t want kids……..

  65. lola2

    June 30, 2011 at 11:22 am

    But did I not read an article years ago which was an interveiw with Nike where she said she had endometrosis and so couldnt have kids?!! for her to now say she doesnt want kinds is a bit……….

  66. kokomma

    June 30, 2011 at 11:30 am

    its funny how in these kinda situations, most Nigerians r quick2 use the bible (something they dont even adhere2) to chastize women who make such decisions….i agree with Arit, equality is just not based on women occupying political positions! it goes beyond that. she should be allowed the right2 do as she pleases coz afterall if she eventually succumbs2 their pressure on childbirth, and turns out2 be a bad mother, “they’ will still be the ones 2 conjure up another theory on y she’s not maternal or something even worse.

  67. Lil miss sunshine

    June 30, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    i am loving the comments but i guess the few readers here are the “open minded and enlightened ” ones. becos in this part of the world the mere fact that u dont have a child at a certain age will warrant scorn, pity and down right rudeness , then imagine a case where an individual voluntarily decides not to have children. we still have a long way to go as women in understanding what female empowerment truly means, cos at the end of the day u reserve the right to make your own decisions without owing anyone an explanation.

  68. lola2

    June 30, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Na wa, are people really speaking their minds deep down about not wanting kids? Do not just say something because you think it’s fashionable to say so, remember the saying on the power of spoken words! As for me, I adore kids and can’t wait to have them. I pray everyday and thank God for my kids because I am expectant. Baby dust to all you expectant moms!Meanwhile, was this not the same Nike who gave an interview a couple of years ago and said she had endrometrosis and so could have kids?!!!

  69. Rebel

    June 30, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Toriola, God bless you! i dont need to add anything more. As for 2 kool, you are clearly unexposed, it is statements such as the one u made that will keep you locked in society’s dictatorship until you decide to start thinking for YOUR OWN SELF!

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 4:14 pm

      live and let live….u have a right to make your comments just like others have a right to make their own comments!!

    • Kemchi

      July 2, 2011 at 4:43 pm

      By the same token, I suggest you take your own advice and not attack the opinion of those that beg to differ. Live and let live. You do your thing, they do their own.

  70. lola2

    June 30, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    could not have kids!

  71. fidelia

    June 30, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Its not about any nigerian mentality,this happens everywhere,whereby parents and people around want you to get married or have kids.its NOT A̶̲̥̅̊ nigerian mentality.

  72. afolabi olabisi

    June 30, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    i luv it.

  73. Dabusta

    June 30, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Imagine Mary mother of Jesus saying I don’t want children where will I be today as a christian. I do understand not everybody share my belief but as christian, I cannot help but think along those lines.

    • jane

      June 30, 2011 at 2:14 pm

      Do your own and leave others.

    • halo

      June 30, 2011 at 5:15 pm

      it seems like you are not okay! like serzly? @what you wrote! it is so called christains like you that bring the name of God to disrepute!pscheww

  74. omonlove

    June 30, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    so nice an article,ive been enlightened cos i never even knew endometriosis existed but ive checked it out bcos of this article.God bless u

  75. Justino

    June 30, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    May be women want to understand their purpose first before offering pervert opinions that are possibly built on the wrong foundation @ wendy, please read through your contradiction first………
    As for the article?……..hmmm……but apparently i see a whole load of birds of the same feathers flocking together….wake up and smell the coffee, destiny rules over desires, just that time would have been lost to make amends…my fellow women lets live our God ordained roles……se lah

    • Dupe

      July 1, 2011 at 4:09 am

      Geez!!!If motherhoood was automatic, would we all be here having discussion? Wouldn’t we all just want to be mothers? Would some women abort their unborn kids and would some mothers abandon their kids? What about women that choose to be Nuns and serve God?Are they too trying to escape from their God given ‘motherly destiny’

    • karolyn etym

      July 5, 2011 at 11:26 am

      dt 1 is wot i call **SACRIFICE**,cos dey v given **ALL** 2 serve,not cos dey r **INCAPACITATED N ANY GIVEN WAYZ** but cos dey want 2

  76. Differ'nt Nonye

    June 30, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    1. First, I totally agree that women should be allowed to make their choices, and I would never judge a person like Nike for not wanting to have kids because I believe that once the mind is attacked, it puts a person in a very risky place. If she is so scared of having kids, I would advise that she adopts cos an attempt to birth could end up fatal. That’s how powerful the mind is.

    2. It is true that medically when you are of a certain age it becomes more difficult to conceive but the God that gives children at age 22 is the same God that gives at 48yrs…How old was Sarah again? Pls!! If your situation is not conducive enough to bring kids into, then sort yourself out first before involving an innocent child.

    3. (This is where I differ!) I perceive that single women especially the ones who are unlucky with finding good relationships and marriages are the ones who tend to conclude that marriage and child bearing are not for them and they use careers and choices as excuses… OYA SHOOT ME!

    In conclusion, I’d say whatever choice you make; ask yourself “WHAT_IS_MY_GOD-GIVEN ROLE OR PURPOSE ON EARTH AS a WOMAN”?? What exactly did God mean when He said “Be fruitful and multiply”? (#justasking)

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm

      lol…me love i’d rather hug you esp for that last point cos its so true!!!!!!!!!! women who have had bad relationships or unlucky with love are the ones singing i dont wanna have kids song….but its sad really sad….God bless you cos thats my opinion dont care what anyone thinks really….procreation ia one of Gods commandment so dont blame the society they are only acting out a predetermined script!

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm


    • makeitalkmyown

      July 1, 2011 at 2:54 am

      You are entitled to your opinion but you forgot those that were born to married couples in a loveless relationship and hence had mothers who showed them no love or who were abandoned by their mother or both parents. Sometimes, this things are not all black and white. Sometimes, there is the gray area. My cousin’s mother got no love from her mother and her mother showed no motherly love to my cousin either. Alot of Nigerans are terrible parents and being born to a Nigerian parent is more of a curse than a blessing often times!

    • Trazey

      July 2, 2011 at 2:09 am

      thank you so much! i don’t get Divazu’s – mode of attacking everyone who disagrees….i bet she has not even a college degree and the best thing that ever happened to her is getting married and having kids…kids she will hold ransome in the future and blackmail as though the begged to be born. yes i said it. naija parents raise kids that they “chose” to bring to life and when the kids grow up, they blackmail them to take care of them claiming ” i gave you life and i rasied you to become the surgeon you are, now by me a hosue” errrr…parents have kids for selfish reasons. so don’t turn around and become a liability to them when they start working and making money all cos you brought them into this life. people like Divazu are perhaps the ones who hold prayer conferences so other women can have children …in a way, that’s like infering something is missing in a childless woman’s life and that’s not always true. the selfish parents are the ones who still go out an adopt a child who wouldn’t have had a chance in life cos they were adopted. if a person truly loves children selflessly, i feel they will consider adoption before bringing another child into this overpopulated world. mother theresas, oprah, etc those are the selfless folks who changed the lives of many children w/o any selfish reasons. so many woemn in lagos and other parts of africa running motherless babies homes…those are the inestimable gems of the world who enrich others’ lives selflessly

    • molarah

      July 4, 2011 at 12:25 am

      I’ll always wonder why people can refer to the Bible when making arguments for ‘universal’ marriage and childbearing. Our Lord Jesus never married or had children, and a good number of his disciples towed that line too. Abeg let’s stop using the Bible to create imaginary nooses around our necks and the necks of others. No one – the single or married, ‘kidful’ or ‘kidless’ – should look down on the other because of their status. Shikena.

  77. Justino

    June 30, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    it is so obvious why are our society is upside down, married “girls” who don’t want to be mothers but were raised by a mother…..

    • DIVAZU

      June 30, 2011 at 4:29 pm

      my point exactly….SELFISH!

    • Antoinette

      July 1, 2011 at 3:11 am

      No SELFISH is when you Africans birth babies like unspayed rabbits and cannot feed your children or provide them with an enviable high standard of living. The world is tired of seeing hungry African children’s faces splashed all over on their screens. SELFISH is having children when you know you are not mentally, physically, and financially capable to take of these kids. Selfish is bringing another innocent soul into this already over crowded world of over 6 billion people while quoting the old testament of Genesis when Christ has since asked us to focus on the NEW testament! SELFISH is when I see African mothers take out their frustrations on their kids by verbally and physically abusing them all in the name of discipline when in actuality they are miserable with their tedious motherly roles. SELFISH is bringing more kids into this world when a country like Nigeria CANNOT boast of uninterrupted power supply, good educational system, good healthcare, good infrstructure, a high standard of living…..nothing! Yet you sit here and usher women to birth more babies so that these innocent souls can join you in your depleted world where they might not even live to be 50 years old due to avoidable car accidents, illnesses that could have easily been treated, AIDS and what have you. Good luck people!

    • Trazey

      July 2, 2011 at 1:54 am

      having kids too is selfish actually cos kids dont ask to be born…you do it for selfsh reasons and you are not doing a child you bring to this world a favor. so your point? just playing devils advocate divazu so don’t get ur undies bundled up as i see you attacking everyone who begs to differ

  78. kiki

    June 30, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Hahaa! This is interesting! Women don’t wanna have kids, the rapid increase in homosexuality… Hey! We may just as well say goodbye to our human race! Lol!

    • sunshine

      June 30, 2011 at 6:46 pm

      I disagree Kiki! Its your opinion but I don’t believe that only women without children are lesbians. Or do you mean that men would become homosexuals when if their wives/girlfriends don’t bear them children? :s.

    • Trazey

      July 2, 2011 at 2:14 am

      errr kiki…if you look around, the human race is facing an over population problem…look around, global warming and if you lok around, there several thousands of abandoned kids, i feel its rather selfish to insists one must bring their own into the world too…it’s homophobic too cos its almost insinuates superiority between biological child and all the helpless abandoned children out there

    • DIVAZU

      July 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

      Trazey crazy…..errr….i dont have a college degree and the best thing that has ever happened to me is getting married and having kids……wrong…I’m still happily single though seeing a great guy and I graduated with honors…..holding prayer conferences….right…am glad u could at least see that kinda trait in me….cos from the way you and Antoinette sound…i can infer you are frustrated women who have lost their sense of purpose and direction…have been disappointed many times in love so have given up and decided to pour their lives into their careers and are actually doing well at it so u feel validated that even though you haven’t succeeded in love you have built a life for yourself and honestly that aint bad at all….but if I’m in any way right its obvious you need to see a counselor Trazey and talk it out…as for you Antoinette, you believe all those silly movies on Africa Magic and the lies that CNN posts about Africa…pls come to Nigeria and u’ll be pleasantly shocked…and yes i do agree with the two of you but the only thing selfish about having a child is when you know you cant afford to take care of them but simply want to validate urself as a woman….Travey see a counselor..Antoinette pls visit Nigeria in particular….

  79. Aibee

    June 30, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    I read the Nike Oshinowo-Soleye interview too a couple of years of back. It was in True Love, I think. Now., I agree, we women are our own worst enemies. We advise abused and battered wives to stay in the marriage ‘for the sake of the children’. We force our daughters-in-law and sisters-in-law to drink ‘deadi body water’ so as to prove that she did not kill her husband. And then we hang out to dry a woman who says she doesn’t want to have children. To my mind, it’s not the physical childbearing that matters. I don’t know Mrs. Sholeye personally but I imagine she is like Mother Theresa in some ways. No biological children but many children that have been nurtured under her loving care. I believe she’s involved with the link-a -child project.
    Women, get a life and leave other women alone to live theirs. Haaa!

    • Brown

      July 5, 2011 at 9:33 pm

      lmao @ ‘deadi body water’ do they still do dat sh*t in dis day and age???!!!!

  80. Jenny

    June 30, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    Great article, Arit. Every individual – male or female – has the right to choose. We need to learn to be more accepting of people’s choices and views. We do not and cannot all want the same things in life. Fulfilment and happiness come through many other endeavours, not necessarily through marriage and motherhood alone. We all find our way in life, some before others, but at the end we all find our way. I’m glad that in Nigeria, slowly but surely this realization is dawning. There’s no need to quote the scriptures like some folks have done here. Some truths are universal. And besides, the fact that one person is a Christian and lives by a certain moral/religious code doesn’t mean that everyone else should. Live and let live. As we air our opinions, let’s learn to respect other people’s opinions and stop imposing our Christian values – which are easier to preach than practice – on them. Once again, great article Arit.

  81. Sassy

    June 30, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    First of all I commend the writer of this article on doing a good job of playing safe by the fence, but by the fence is no position. You ‘re either in or out.
    Now on the question of freedom of choice, sure we are allowed to do as we please, love and live as we deem seem fit but if you live on this planent earth and especially in Nigeria, have got news for you – We ‘ve got Culture, norms and expectations on how we should all live. Theses expectations and norms are what prevent’s your neigbhour from waking up in the morning and having sex with a 5yr old(because he or she feels like it -yes it is a choice) and still be applauded by the society as a good act. The freedom of choice breeds radicality, it’s existence is indeniable but acceptance questionable. Take for instance the issue of homosexuality, I don’t know what your stance is on that but this is what freedom of choice breeds. Currently here in the US, their is a booming trend of ‘baby mamas’ females who do not see the need for the role of a man as a father because they ‘ve got it covered. They have all their kids either for the same man or different ones. I ask you this, would you consider both illustrations as going beyond the norm or society should just accept we are all individuals with personal choice(s). Would u if u eventually have a child bring up that child in an environment were men are kissing each other on the street because it is their choice?! Their is a term called societal imbalance, if you have a different view than the greater populace in a particular environment my dear keep it to yourself and live,or simply relocate but expecting acceptance/understanding of your choice – not going to happen.
    That’s just the way it’s!!!

    • Bukky

      July 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm

      @ Sassy, this is where you are wrong… a man raping a 5 year old is not the same as a woman not wanting to have kids. When an adult sleeps with a 5 year old, he has committed a crime and also violated another person. Not wanting to have kids is a personal choice and it is a choice that is not injurious to the next party! I am sure majority of women want to have kids so please dont worry, the human race will not be wiped out because of the few who dont want to. The writer was not on the fence…she advocates for CHOICE (which is the point some of you are missing).It is a choice a woman should be able to make by herself without people sneering at her or thinking she is just trying to be a 21st century rebel. A woman knows herself best and should not be pressured into succumbing to some societal roles. At the end of the day, society, culture, customs, norms and traditions would not be there for her when things go wrong in her life (infact they will be the first to sneer at her).

      Even if the writer believes that our God given role is to have children it doesnt mean she is not objective enough to see it from another woman’s perspective.

      Customs and norms sometimes is an excuse for people who cannot attempt to break out of societal constructs. Just relax and really try to see the world through another person’s eyes. People are different and you shouldnt expect everyone to have the same thought process as you.You dont have do away your own beliefs but , just be open and actually see where others are coming from.

      That being said, like everything in life, we have to think deeply and not make rash decisions. If you dont want to have kids now, do you think you want them in the future?Will you be able to live with the choice you made?

  82. Dee

    June 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    honestly, i just think people should mind their business! she does not want kids, that should be her business, and i do not think she owes anyone an explanation.
    i am not Nike Oshinowo’s Biggest fan, but i think people should let her be!

  83. sunshine

    June 30, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Well written article Arit. Its a representation of the mindset of the articulate and educated (woman). Women folk indeed are their greatest foe. Too many women are in bondage-trapped in loveless marriages, abusive relationships and what have you- even though they have children. Life is choice driven and women should support each others’ choices where necessary.

  84. Art Guiness

    June 30, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    Nyc and thoughtful article…its okay if ur husband agrees to it. Children consolidate family happiness and it will equally be unfair if a woman choses not to have children against her husband’s wish. I said husband, not any other person. Marriage and children come hand in hand. Separating them has to be a joint decision. I rest my case.

  85. Jade

    June 30, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    AMEN and AMEN… i am sooo lovin the write-up regarding this article. It is really up to the woman if she wants to have a baby yes or no. I mean there are so many reasons why a woman would want to opt out. It really does not help matters with all the pressures that are surrounding her left right and center and as for the 40s drama about making sure that the bed u decide for @ your 30s is the one u will lie in in your 40s. so what there are so many option snow that allow older women to have safe and healthy deliveries plus the idea that you can always adopt because you feel that your are at a mature place in your life to care for a child. Children will not remain young forever there is teenage years and early 20s. Some may feel that at 40 they can handle that all the more due to the wealth of knowledge thay would have garnered. In essence it is nobody’s business but your own. God bless!!!

  86. almost 30

    June 30, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    good article, very open minded. Im 29 going on 30 in the New year, been in a few relationships that have gone no- where. My career hasn’t taken off, and I’m thinking- what next? find a man to marry me & have babies, have had a few proposals. Im trying to delay motherhood , if one avenue isn’t working- try another. I know this sounds shallow but Im not getting younger. I have married “yummy mummy ” friends and single girl friends…eiiiish !

  87. nwando

    July 1, 2011 at 12:08 am

    Loved reading the comments, especially the ones chewing other people’s heads off for having and opinion!
    Just goes to prove the authors point. We women sha..

  88. kiki

    July 1, 2011 at 2:56 am

    @Sunshine i think u mis-read me. Let me re-phrase. With this new wave of women not wanting kids as well as the influx of homosexuality in our society today, (two exclusive issues), then goodbye to procreation, n hence welcome, human extinction. Dig? Good.

    • JJ

      July 3, 2011 at 6:12 pm

      Those not wanting kids are so few and with the way Nigerians breed kids like there is no tomorrow (partially because they are looking for a specific gender namely sons), I doubt that humans will go into extinction. So, not to worry. Also homosexuality has been around for ages. Is that not what destryoyed soddom and gomorrah? Just because Africans are slowly starting to come out of the closet now does not mean that homosexuality just came to Nigeria or the rest of Africa yesterday. America begun allowing homosexuals to get married and yet there are over 300 million people living in America. People should not be forced to procreate because that is why you see kids born to mothers who tomorrow dump them off with family members that maltreat them and turn them into house boys and girls. If you are going to have kids, don’t do so for selfish reasons. There are sufficient people in the world that really want to birth their own kids so no worries about the human race going extinct like dinosaurs.

  89. Differ'nt Nonye

    July 1, 2011 at 9:37 am

    BN deleted my comment becos I dared to be different abi?? well I wont praise the writer if thats the only kind of comment you expect!!!


      July 1, 2011 at 1:30 pm

      Hi Nonye, we havent deleted any comments on this post. Please browse through the pages of comments or repost your comment. Thanks!

  90. Frau Reis

    July 1, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Great piece Arit! Toriola I feel you 100% , I do not detect any unhappiness in your comment, and what others may call anger, I call a mild fit of irritation!

    Once again thank you Arit for putting this piece out there!

  91. Omoyele

    July 1, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    Read Baby Proof by Emily Giffin. If only people can learn to shut up and accept the choice others decide to make. The world of women can be a better place to live. I have friends and family praying for me because I’m not thinking about children yet.

  92. Naveah

    July 1, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    I would prefer for a woman NOT to have a child than to bring a child into the world to be neglected and abuse. Know Thine Self! If you are not a nurturing type, lack the patience, mental/emotional make up and/or if you don’t have the inclination or the physical ability, don’t bring a child into this world, please! Parenting is NOT for everyone because it is HARD work that requires a person to be selfless, patient and not to talk about the money, time and energy. This article is on point and I agree with the writer’s perspective on this matter which plagues the women in Nigeria to no ends! I have a cousin who got married at 25 years of age to a fairly wealthy gentleman in his early thirties within months of meeting themselves and within a year of the marriage, she was already being pressured by his family as well as mine to have a child because she needed to “secure” her position in the his family. She had many false starts but she’s since had two children but when I see her, she looks miserable even with a nanny for each child. She doesn’t know the first thing about caring for children because she grew up with house help all her life so she didn’t even take care of her young siblings whereby she would have had some sort of practice. The children cry and fuss so much that she finds herself yelling and being forceful and they are toddlers. She had plenty of time and so did he, they could have waited for another two to three years but of course, she fell for the pressure. It’s sad to watch all the light leave her eyes and her lack of energy or enthusiasm. I am in my mid thirties, I’ve been with my husband for two years, I have a great job and still sometimes the thought of a child is a little scary and though I want one, I am not going to be pressured into a situation whereby no one else but my husband and I will deal with the consequences. My family members are fasting, praying and wringing their hands as well as his but we will have our child(ren) in God’s good time. My biological clock is in God almighty’s hand and His alone. If He could give Sarah a child at 90, if he could answer Elizabeth and Hannah, He will give me my own in HIS due time.

    • DIVAZU

      July 8, 2011 at 6:10 pm

      I love your comment….very realistic…void of bitterness and anger just sincere. I agree the young lady you described shud have waited….really shud be fun and you shud be happy living it. Dont worry dear, you will have your kids like the Hebrew women and God will give you the grace to be a fantastic mum that her kids will celebrate like the proverbs 31 woman….stay put.

  93. uchechi

    July 1, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Loooooooonnnnnngggg heart goes out to Nike, may God heal you and soothe your pains. A word for the road: situations and society affect the choices we make at given times, caution must be taken so that the choices we make eventually dont affect us in the longrun.

  94. Naveah

    July 1, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Bellanaija, you MUST post this response. I know you guys vet responses here and sometimes somethings you chose to post and not post has no rhyme or reason but someone cannot insult Africans/Nigerians and get away without getting an earful. I have written my response without stooping down to trading insults and barbs to expect to see this posted at your earliest convenience. Thank you!

    Antionette, how many Africans or Nigerians do you know personally? May I ask you, do you know that making sweeping statements against a tribe of people really is unfair and smacks of prejudice? You wrote this diatribe and I learned nothing from it except that you sound quite harsh, rash and like someone who has a personal ax to grind. It is quite insulting for you to say “No, SELFISH is when you Africans birth babies like unspayed rabbits and cannot feed your children or provide them with an enviable high standard of living. The world is tired of seeing hungry African children’s faces splashed all over on their screens. ” It is a very good thing that I do not know your heritage because I am sure I could pull a few stereotypes about you and your ilk that you would find as offensive as I find your horrid little post. Yes, it is your opinion to which you are entitled but just like one shouldn’t scream fire in a crowded space, one shouldn’t use one’s right to free to speech to instigate and write vitriolic statements that cause DISSENSION! You quote the bible but you failed to read the part about one’s speech serving to EDIFY! It is demeaning to the intelligence God gave you to believe everything to you see and read on television or the newspaper. The media can be manipulated to reflect any perspective. When I’ve watched those commercials I have seen children from OTHER nations used by some legit/some unscrupulous companed to solicit money from vulnerable individuals. Do you think the issue to over populations is strictly an African or Nigerian thing? Have you heard of Brazil, India, China? Please don’t make me laugh by bringing up abuse in this conversation because over 3 million reports of child abuse are made every year in the United States. In 2009, approximately 3.3 million child abuse reports and allegations were made involving an estimated 6 million children and in some cases, multiple children in one household. And right here in the US where those enviable high standard of living you espoused (that you seem to thinking is lacking in every household in African) can be provided, a child is abused every 13 sec and 5 children die a day from abuse! 31% of the women in jail in the United States are there for abusing their children! Where do we read more about pedophilia than in the States? Casey Anthony is on trial for killing her child, placing her in the trunk of her car until her body decomposed and dumping her a few miles from her home because she wanted to be out partying! What about the Yeats woman who drowned her five children in the tub at home? Or the other child in Texas who drove her three bows to their death in her car and blamed in on a non existent Black man? Or the man who killed his own son for the life insurance money so he could get out of debt? In March 2011, little Marchella Brett-Pierce was slowly being beaten and starved to death while being tied to the bed. In January 2011, Quasir Alexander, a 2-month-old boy has died of starvation and dehydration at a West Philadelphia homeless shelter stocked with food. I could go on and on and on.

    Let me address this particular “concern” of your – “SELFISH is bringing more kids into this world when a country like Nigeria CANNOT boast of uninterrupted power supply, good educational system, good healthcare, good infrastructure, a high standard of living…..nothing!”
    Yes, ma’am Nigeria has these issues that you’ve stated but can ask you then why the United States that has all the bells and whistle suffers infant mortality rate is higher than rates in most other developed countries,” according Center of Disease Control researchers Marian F. MacDorman, PhD, and T.J. Mathews? The U.S. ranks 29th worldwide in infant mortality, tying Slovakia and Poland. Nearly seven U.S. babies die out of every 1,000 live births. More than 28,000 American babies die before their first birthday. I read the list of infant mortality death and Nigeria was not on that list. We have been having children at hospitals, cities and vvillages with and without electricities for centuries, we shall continue to do so! My grandmother had EIGHT children at home, dlelivered by her mother who was a herbalist/midwife without formal training and all EIGHT children survived to have 19 children between them.

    Please, educate yourself before you make sweeping statements that show the world your ignorance rather than educate them.

    Peacefully speaking…

    • Antoinette

      July 3, 2011 at 6:35 pm

      I see I really hit a nerve with you. I guess it’s because deep down inside, you knew I was telling the truth. So, why the hell are you living in the United States? Why don’t you live in Nigeria and raise your kids there so that they can be physically abused or disciplined? I was never hit by my parents but yet I became a respectable and responsible member of society. My kids are all grown and respectable members of society and my hubby and I never hit them. Corporal purnishment is not the only way to raise respectful kids. Besides, if you must hit, do not over do it. Again, why migrate and live in America since you know kids are rude in America and everything in America seems upside down to ya? Go back to your Nigeria where your men beat you up and dice you into pieces when they are unemployed and you the wife is not. Go back to your wonderful Nigeria where you people started off kidnapping foreigners but now kidnap yourselves while requesting huge sums of money for ransoms. Go back to your Nigeria where your fellow Nigerians from the North are on a mission to make your country ungovernable and detonate bombs at every chance they get. Go back to your Nigeria where I see Nigerians pitch tents and sleep at the door of foreign embassies because they want to escape that hell you call a country! Lady please, how many foreigners sleep in front of Nigerian embassies waiting for a visa? You can rant and rave and write epistles all you want! When all is said and done, as long as you are living in the United States or outside your own country, your words become nothing but empty rhetorics! You love your country so much? then honey, get the hell outta mine and stay in yours! and while you’re at it, learn to respect people’s CHOICES! If people want kids, so be it and if they don’t, so be it as well. If you can’t respect people’s basic human rights, then go back to your under developed jungle where you belong!

    • DIVAZU

      July 8, 2011 at 6:25 pm

      sweetie….yeah for the first time in centuries we hear a man beat his wife and chopped her up in Nigeria…..that kinda happens every other day in the US…even a woman who killed her kids then jumped off a 2 storey building am sure u dint read that…what of suicide rates…..that happens once every two decades in Nigeria, from what you have said u’ve lived in US all ur life are not very exposed to other cultures which is why you still believe everything you watch on TV( US citizens pre-occupation)…Neveah is in US by right and there’s nothing you can do about it, you know why? cos your government knows that its citizens are lazy and prefer to sit before a big screen eat junk and collect welfare every month…but u see foreigners like Neveah having come from an economy where nothing works and is successful will only fly to the moon in your country…thats why your government gives green cards….so pls stay back in yor country fat, ignorant and lazy while professionals like Neveah are flown in to make your economy work….shio!

  95. Naveah

    July 1, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Oh and may I add that I had corporal punishment at school and I got my tail whipped at home if I stepped out of line but guess what I am a successful individual, a wife, mother and a contributing member of my community. The same bible you brought up Antoinette clearly states “spare the rod and spoil the child” which American seems to have left behind with some of it’s puritanical ways because one can’t seem to find a child with respect in this country all on account of too much liberty, lax parenting and parents heart felt desire to be friends with their children instead of guides. *sing* give me that old time religion, give me that old time religion, give me that old time religionnnnnnnnnnnn it’s good enough for me! I thank my grandmother, my parents, aunts and uncles for straightening me out when I stepped out of line because people compliment me for having good home training and now they compliment my children because they are well mannered in public and at home because Mama don’t play that, honey!

    Be well!

  96. Dr Peperempe

    July 1, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    tin ti ke tin, tin ke! i dont know why i always have to be so random ! ok back to the topic!
    Dr Peperempe’s opinion as her name suggests is that there are always 2 sides or sometimes more to a situation(tired of referring to myself in 3rd person).
    Much as I am all for choices and the freedom to make ’em, I also believe in being open and receptive to change. I never have been the marriage type, and in 2009, my dad, a full blooded Nigerian , called me into his room and said sweetie, its fine for you to have kids married or not, or choose not to have them because I have been watching you and I know you dont wanna get married. I almost “kpemed” It wasnt until then i really thot about it and it hit me ! I then had a lengthy discussion with my dad being that he is unmarried and i said I dont think I can cope ! Luckily enuff for me, Im still quite young so I can make the necessary changes.
    In conclusion, carefully think your decisions through before making them. Be it to have babies or not, marry or not, career choices, that man or not, even that shoe or not. You dont want to look back and wish you had done things differently. If need be, speak with someone going through the same situation and see if you can cope with the consequences.
    Sowi for the long talk, Im writing my thesis, so “long things” are in my programming!

  97. BrownSugah

    July 1, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    So much said and i can say its been quite a long read…….I do respect a woman’s choice not to want to have kids and get married but why would that be? No matter how exciting and fulfilling and career oriented a woman is, we all need to go back to a home at night, with someone to share the bed with and hear our moans when we cry, share our laughter at our highest points. Friends we never do even siblings. U get stares from people though i won’t give u one if u prove to opt out off marriage and family but dear, its strangeeeeeee. Abegggggg what happens when u get to the peak of that career and then there’s nothing else left to do? who’s going to pat your back and make your laughter sweeter after you achieve ur milestones? And for that person talking about holidaying and all, a holiday is never complete alone. Ohhhh please women get this right… are free to make your own choices but even the bible says, it’s not good for man to be alone. Well thought, well said, i rest my case…….Goodnite!

  98. keke

    July 2, 2011 at 12:44 am

    Beautiful write -up, bottom line- the choice is yours

  99. cleo

    July 5, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Well said….and i can totally identify with the “time is not on you side talk”….

  100. Mariamah

    July 5, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    You are totally right, women are their own worst enemies, women should be allowed to choose their own path. I think we should leave people to live their lives, so long as it makes them happy.

  101. Kayma

    July 5, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    Does this freedom involve ladies making the decision to become a lesbian which we pretend to frown upon but secretly indulge in? ( some of us atleast) We have a long way in understanding how the human mind works. People might advocate for the same cause BUT for different reasons. Does the bible or quoran not preach against this act? But again, all man for himself abi

  102. jaybee

    July 5, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    the late lady of songs essien igbokwe was right when she sang,omo laso laye omolaaso,tin balo gun odun,kin yawofa ogbon,to ri bi n baku o omo ladele,baba loke je ko mo wAwo le dewa.amen!
    i shall be fruitful n multiply ijn,good luck to ur choices

  103. Debs

    July 6, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Ok, Arit, I just got round to reading this, I can’t access the link from my phone. Beautifully written as usual. On the subject matter, I totally agree. I’ve said it myself, women’s empowerment is all about CHOICES not prescriptive and narrow terms of reference. Did you read m note ‘Context’ on FB…? my point exactly.

  104. anonymous

    July 6, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    This article is great. I for one believe I was conceived by a mother who really had no care in the world as far as having kids goes. She did it because its what was expected of her. All my life along with my sisters my mum had shipped us off to boarding school shipping us abroad for holidays or to grandma’s house and such. It seemed like we had great lives but till today, none of us have that emotional connection with my mum most especially me I’m the last and my oldest sister pretty much raised me. My mum just does what she is ‘supposed’ to do i.e pay tuition and things of that nature which she reminds us that she does and reminds us that she can be living her life she doesn’t really have to do this. For the longest I used to get mad and be so bitter towards her but then I realized that she doesn’t even see what she is doing wrong because as many of you stated we are from a culture that bullies women into these roles and my mum is no exception. She did what she thought she had to do and carried what seemed to her like a burden. Now that we are older we have accepted her for who she is and we have tried to become her friends as opposed to being her daughters because being bitter about the situation won’t help either of us and someone had to give. My point is women should be able to make choices I’m glad i’m alive today due to my mum having me but there are a million women out there who didn’t get to make their choice and now they despise their children. DO NOT be pushed into believing you have to have children. Wait till you are ready if ever you are ready and think it through don’t bring kids into the world and not be happy with them. If you do, you will always look for flaws in those children and the hate just keeps generating from there. Take this from someone who has lived it.

  105. A Ekanem

    July 6, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Well stated Arit!!! With all respect to our culture and traditions, we should be applauding her ability to choose her path, but more importantly her active contribution to our beleaguered economy forward!
    With Nigeria’s population stretching and well beyond our nations resource capacity at 130 million +, we should really consider how this is a good change to status quo!

  106. Kayma

    July 6, 2011 at 7:12 pm


  107. Naveah

    July 6, 2011 at 8:55 pm


    You asked me to “get out of your country”, fine but may I ask you when did the American Indians stamp a visa for you come into the United States? Because this land was occupied and they were living here before the white man came to invade, kill and destroy them for their land. And I don’t remember your ancestors going willingly on the slave ship with a passport or stamped visa either so check yourself before you decide who can stay or not stay in the United States of America. And might I add that you cannot direct me to leave this country because of yet another reason, my mother is a beautiful African American woman of Cherokee Indian, Irish and Western Indian descent born and raised in Brooklyn, USA. My father is a beautiful African man who won a scholarship to study in this country, pays his taxes and is a fully contributing member of this country so I am TRUELY an African American. I was born right here in the Unites States to parents who are BOTH Americans so I ain’t going no where because I have roots deep into American AND Nigerian soil!

    Let me ask you, do you know where you belong? AHHHHHH, that’s the nerve that I sliced! You may order me out of “your country” and that’s fine but I will know where in Nigeria I can go because I have many homes and a people to whom I belong but what will happen to you if the white folks ask your to leave, if you are black? Where in Africa do you belong? Or let’ s just say the American Indians ask you to leave if you are white….where in England or France or anywhere in Europe do you belong? You have no home, you are a wandering minstrel, my dear so be quiet where you are and stop embarassing the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King who was all about hope, togetherness and unity.

    You seem to have a problem with Nigerians in particular, are Nigerians the only people pitching tents in front of embassies? What about the Haitians or Cubans who die in thousands every years trying to row a boat across? What about the people of Rwanda, Chad and Sudan? What about the Dominicans, Mexicans, Ecuadorian, Venezuelans and Koreans? Say what you will, Antionette but look it up, Nigerians are some of the most intelligent people in the world good, bad or indifferent…check your hospitials, schools and government buildings. We are every where working as doctors, lawyers, nurses, engineers, architects, teachers, civil servants on the federal, state and city level. America was created by immigrants so don’t run off at the fingers about Nigerians going abroad for greener pastures, what do you think the Puritans were doing when they fled England to land in America? Check the stats on American Citizens Abroad and see how many American are working outside of this country so Antionette recognize that American also go to other people’s country to work especially with the economy and job market being what it is now. There are MANY Americans that are encamped on the oil fields of Nigeria trying to make as much money they can in MY OTHER country. Yes, baby count ’em two! I am a recognized citizen of Nigerian and the United States of America by law.

    I don’t know what the rest of your rants and raves were about because I never said anyone shouldn’t have children. I had written an entirely different post responding to the author’s article so I don’t know what in God’s name you are talking about:)

  108. Naveah

    July 6, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    EDIT: I don’t know what the rest of your rants and raves were about because I never said anyone shouldn’t have children period, I simply said do not bring a child into the world IF you cannot care for them with love, patience, selflessness etc. I had written an entirely different post responding to the author’s article so I don’t know what in God’s name you are talking about:)

    Peace and blessings to you. And thanks for a hearty debate.

    • DIVAZU

      July 8, 2011 at 7:00 pm

      God bless you babe…i had already made a case for you not even knowing you were an American citizen.

  109. Lets be honest here..

    July 12, 2011 at 8:56 am

    STOP lying to Arit. this is BULL! women tell themselves these lies as a coping mechanism, when u find u are still unmarried and getting older. you tell yourself u dont need a man or kids! thats just not true.

    • DIVAZU

      July 12, 2011 at 6:43 pm

      thankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!truth well told!!…end of discussion!!!

  110. sclasy

    July 19, 2011 at 11:15 am

    dis article says a lot…factful….ders need 2 make dis known

  111. Jatropha

    July 31, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Thank you for taking the thought of Women to where it seldom reaches

  112. oyinda

    August 2, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    God bless you sister.
    Well spoken and very true

  113. Purpleicious Babe

    August 3, 2011 at 1:00 am

    A very controversial issue…. Each to their own…

    I have to an understanding in life… Never have any EXPECTATION From or FOR ANYONE…

  114. Miss Nweke

    August 11, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    I cannot help but LOVE this Article… Like, LOVE IT DIE!!!!!

  115. boneT

    August 12, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Is this some kind of feminist blog or is someone removing comments they don’t like or wanna see.from the prose to these ,all I see is men are evil and women should stand up to men. Haba!na war.we should live in love with one another both sexes not trying to rival each other.I am fed up with parochial comments from most of u btw I know u will delete my comment.

  116. Rebel

    September 13, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Please leave Toriola alone jor!!!

  117. Gracious

    October 13, 2011 at 4:47 am

    Society and religion have make women get into relationships that have made them unhappy all thier lives. (Bad marriages, poor parenthood).

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