Two Boxes

I have a theory.

In the time that I have developed this theory it has never once been refuted. I have shared it with all and sundry and while some might initially want to argue or disagree, perhaps as a result of being generally disagreeable or just in a bid to wipe the knowing smile off my face, eventually they come back and accede.

Now anyone who knows a jot about Bella Naija, knows that BN aficionados (worth their weight in gold and Jimmy Choos) are a tough crowd. You know what you like and aren’t shy to let it be known when it comes to things that don’t quite tickle your pickle. Y’all are discerning, astute, stylish, savvy and so quick on the uptake you’d put an MM Airport official to shame. So I thought what better judges to put my theory before?

So here it goes, I should be a little nervous but so confident am in the theory, I’m just going to lay it out there…I put it to you, my learned colleagues, that when a man sees a woman, any and every woman, in his mind he puts her in one of two boxes: “would” and “would not”.

Let me elaborate, and I do so without a sexist or pro-feminist motivation whatsoever, upon meeting a woman for the first time, in a man’s head an ultra quick decision is made; whether he would sleep with the woman or not. From that decision stems the rest of his conduct, attitude and reaction towards the woman. I heartily challenge any Segun, Chidi or Usman to tell me I’m wrong. And don’t say, ‘Aha! But what about a gay man?’ because his obvious choice is “would not”.

It is a very basic theory and charming in its simplicity, but there you have it – the inner workings of a man’s mind. Throw as many arguments at it as you want but in the end it all still rolls round to that. Oh to be a fella at times. This is probably why they tend to be more easygoing than chicks, they are so very good at breaking things down to the most basic components and working up from that level.

In discussions my guy friends have accused me of using this theory to maintain the notions that a) all men think about is sex and b) men and women cannot just be friends. That is not the point I am making at all – certainly not with regards to b. Just because a woman is put into the “would” box does not mean such a thing will ever actually be fulfilled, besides which, a man can and will sustain long-lasting friendships with either type, but if ever the perfect opportunity arose with a lady from the positive category, well then, he would. D’uh. Can I re-stress the phrase ‘perfect opportunity’? I don’t want to be accused of encouraging rampant activities.

Women on the other hand – well if we’re honest with ourselves – we’d have to admit that we like to complicate things. A situation just isn’t a challenge without all the extra commas and semi-colons we throw in to keep things bubbling over nicely, we pick up on every nuance, sigh and fluttering of the eyelashes then translate it into a complete thesis on behaviour.

I have a theory for the ladies too. I find that the first thing a woman does when she sees a man is assess the level of threat. Now this is done within whatever length of time is shorter than a millisecond, but it’s done nonetheless. Once the assessment proves positive then there’s the consideration of whether we find them attractive or not and sometimes that can change from the initial decision. Let’s say he isn’t really her cup of tea at first, then they get to know each other, and he turns out to be understanding, supportive, confident and able to protect and provide, in such instances a hitherto unforeseen attraction may begin to grow… I told you girls were complicated look at all the conditions under which she could begin to consider a previously unattractive guy, attractive! It works in the opposite way too where a chap that was considered attractive can suddenly drop down the league tables very, very, quickly – perhaps as a result of poor hygiene or ill manners.

With guys on the other hand it takes some doing for a woman that’s in one box to jump into the other. For men this transition tends to be one way from “would” to “wouldn’t” –and if given a choice they probably still “would”, then get out of Agege as quickly as possible. It’s funny that I have never seen a circumstance where a “wouldn’t” girl goes into the “would” box without the chap having consumed copious amounts of alcohol or been rendered unconscious – presumably by the aforementioned “wouldn’t” girl.

So there you have my theory. Some may agree, some might disagree and others might find it completely redundant. The thought of it could even be threatening for certain folk but it really isn’t anything to be threatened about. The decision is made so instantaneously and on such an instinctive level it’s anthropological and once you put a big fancy word like that in a theory – well it’s practically scientific then – and who’s going to argue with science? *Cue knowing smile*.