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Ola Fakoya: Not Happy With Your Sex Life? Say Something!

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February is arguably the month where a lot of sexual action takes place. Valentine’s day being the main cause of the increased activity. However, even though there is increased love in the air, some people are not happy with the sexual activity itself. And as February has now gone, we also want the unpleasant sexual experiences to follow it. This article will discuss a few ways to communicate to your partner that their “best moves” definitely needs to improve.

As with every other aspect of a relationship, the most important thing to remember is communication. If you are not happy, say something! However difficult it is, it is important to communicate effectively or you will not be fulfilled sexually. Some of you are probably saying that this is easier said than done. Below are three simple points to make it as easy to do as it is to say.

Timing
Do not bring this up directly AFTER sex. In my professional experience as a clinical advisor, that is a definite NO-NO. This is because of high and sensitive emotions due to the increase of hormone production especially oxytocin and vasopressin which are produced during sex and after an orgasm. Therefore, the person who had an orgasm/a better orgasm is technically more sensitive and prone to emotional distress than the person who was unsatisfied; so this could lead to an argument or someone storming out or biting a body part (I have seen the results of this).

I will advise one to bring up this sensitive topic when you think your partner will most likely be in a good mood. For example, you can discuss your concerns after dinner, (especially if you are a woman) because your partner is full so is more than likely going to be in a better mood. Some couples that have very good communication skills and a great relationship can discuss their concerns at any time including after sex because they completely understand or are willing to understand each other so there is little room for misinterpretation.

Other couples tend to find that talking through what they want during the sexual activity is easier and well-received. For example if your partner asks what you would like or if something feels good. Be honest and just say what you would like or what could feel better.

Phrasing
Consider your partner’s feelings before you say anything. Also consider using the 3 Cs- COMPLIMENT, CONCERN, and COMPLIMENT. If you use this method, your partner will leave feeling elated not criticised. For example:
Woman: “Babe. I really liked when you caressed my face. (COMPLIMENT)
Man: “Aww that’s nice. I’m glad you like it”
*Wait 1 minute, smile lovingly, give a kiss or a hug (or more food)*
Woman: “You know what I would like to try again?”
Man: “What?”
Woman: “When you hold my hand. Maybe you can do it softer next time? I would looveee that” (CONCERN)
Man: “Ok. I will try”
Woman: “Thanks babe. I am so lucky to have such a fine man who is so willing and good at fulfilling my sexual desires. Anything you think I could do for you?” (COMPLIMENT).

Follow-up
If you can, give your partner time to adjust. This means you wait a few days before you remind them of the discussion either verbally/through action. However, if you are definitely not enjoying what is happening, then you can put it into action the next time you are intimate. But make sure you follow it through. Or it would just be a wasted conversation. When you decide on the right time, gently remind your partner of what you had suggested. You can do this verbally or non-verbally. Examples of the two are below:

Verbal reminder: “Hun remember what I wanted to try …… Do you mind doing it now?”
Or
Action reminder: Woman/Man: (When she/he starts to do what you don’t like)- Gently remove hand/head/leg/hair/ice-cream from the area and move it to where you want. Do not do it forcefully or quickly, but slowly and gently and perhaps maintaining eye contact so he/she can tell that you are enjoying the new activity that you like.

If the above tips don’t help, it might be helpful to seek professional help like counselling.

Photo Credit: thetrentonline.com

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Ola Fakoya is a senior clinical Advisor and CEO of Powerrus. She is interested in the globalisation of healthcare, and is an advocate for healthy living. Powerrus is a healthcare advisory service that offers worldwide healthcare service comparison for international clients. You can follow her on Twitter @Powerrus2 or at www.powerrus.co.uk

32 Comments

  1. Sexually Frustrated Female

    March 5, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    I am not happy with my sex life, I have talked till I’ve been blue in the face and I’m no longer sexually attracted to my partner at this point…

    • Pele dear, try couples therapy? Or get a toy, actually, get a COUPLE of toys. You deserve pleasure

    • Sexually Frustrated Female

      March 5, 2014 at 4:08 pm

      I have talked the way the author of this article suggested but i think it just makes him feel insecure… I will just invest heavily in rabbits…

    • MoD

      March 5, 2014 at 2:04 pm

      @ Sexually Frustrated Female, Eeya…. i don’t know how that feels but maybe use the tips above and use the phrasing method instead of just talking?

    • Sexually Frustrated Female

      March 5, 2014 at 4:08 pm

      I have talked the way the author of this article suggested but i think it just makes him feel insecure… I will just invest heavily in rabbits…

    • PH Boy

      March 5, 2014 at 5:34 pm

      … slow down a bit. If you are close friends with the wife of one of his close buddies. Get her to use her bobo to get you an insight into your man. Women are good at that. You don’t have to share your problem with her but make it seem like you want to give your man more and he is so conservative, bla bla bla. Works all the time! But i must warn you o! She may dig up more than you can handle .

  2. slastyles

    March 5, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Quite an interesting piece.

  3. eve

    March 5, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Dear i have experienced it too… And the most annoying part is
    -Either you remember the ex that was actually excellent in bed and was making you to ask for more “blushing”
    -Either you start avoiding sex activities with your partner and he complains and there is nothing you can do to make things work “sad face”

  4. Thatgidigirl

    March 5, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    My ex said if a lady tries to modify his “sexual pattern”( whatever that means), or tells him what she would like him to do to her, that he would consider her a whore. He believes there’s nothing a lady does with him under the sheets that is her first time, meaning she must have tried it with several others before him. When he said it, i almost fell down from my chair in astonishment, and started planning my exit. Now how can you use these steps on that kind of man? Before we broke up, i sha told him his timetable for sex i.e how many minutes he spends on what part of the body/the next position, and how predictable he is. He asked me to go see a doctor or a pastor! i couldn’t even get angry, i just burst out laughing. Money and sex amidst other things are quite important ingredients in making a relationship palatable, as much as many people would like to argue this. I sha cannot fake an orgasm for the rest of my life, its not the will of God for me….there’s a reason he created those nerve endings.

    • A

      March 5, 2014 at 5:32 pm

      HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I love your style girl especially the part “Money and sex amidst other things are quite important ingredients in making a relationship palatable, as much as many people would like to argue this. I sha cannot fake an orgasm for the rest of my life, its not the will of God for me….there’s a reason he created those nerve endings” So true!

  5. Vics

    March 5, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    @first comment, my dear like she said it’s not just about talking but it’s the way you say it. Nice tips doc.

  6. @edDREAMZ

    March 5, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Thank God for sex bcos that – is so awesome……..
    .
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  7. http://www.thelmathinks.blogspot.com/

    March 5, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Enlightening. Yet, what I’ve found in the past to be the big problems in bed are those I we or he can’t (easily) do anything about. Like size and duration. All else can be worked on so I don’t worry much.
    Thanks for the pointers and the 3Cs.

    thelmathinks.blogspot.com

  8. MIMI

    March 5, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    This is me. Hubby comes home and jumps me. No foreplay, no kisses, nothing. Most times, I’m not even wet sef and you know how painful that can be. We actually have a very good relationship and the communication is tight but when it comes to this sex thingy, he just doesn’t seem to understand ‘why I am not enjoying it especially when he gives it to me hard’. I have tried to tell him that I am not Lisa Ann and I do not him to give it to me hard but it is either I am speaking Spanish or babe has refused to understand me so I have stopped talking and I just lay there and allow him finish whatever dance he is upto for that evening. I had only one boyfriend before hubby and dude understood my body more than I did. He knew how to touch me in ways I never thought possible. I have had to take deliberate and far reaching steps to make sure I do not have my ex on my mind when I am with hubby. Right now, I don’t even know what it feels like to have good sex, not to talk of hot, blistering sex. May God help me.

    • mo

      March 5, 2014 at 4:59 pm

      Mimi and sexually frustrated wife,you ladies don’t have to give up so easily. Mimi,your boyfriend being on your mind will even make it worse when you’re with your man. I’ve been thru it and I know how it feels. Though I never went all the way with my boyfriend,d chemistry was so strong that I still imagine how it’ll have been like getting really down with him. Sex with my hubby was great at the beginning and I always had to reduce my screams at the end but due to TTC for over a year,it became like a chore and it’s just like I was waiting for him to deposit those sperm cells and give me a baby bump but I’ve come to learn that it’s not the way to go. Now,I talk to him when we’re just chit chatting and remind him of the early days of our marriage and how I want it to always be like that. Also,if I’m not in d mood,I turn him away stylishly not to hurt his feelings. Don’t let him get his way when u’re not well lubricated,invest in a lubricant and make him use it. Sex is for pleasure not pain. If sexy lingerie makes u feel sexy,wear it so you can get in the mood. Don’t always leave it to him to jump you,you can make d first move and if he jumps you,you can set d pace by getting naughty in your own way. I’m still TTC but I’ve decided that I’m going to enjoy every baby making moment we have. I’ve even learned that a woman’s orgasm help those swimmers travel faster.

  9. Concerned_Boyfriend

    March 5, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    This is a serious topic and it’s a deal breaker. On the flip side, my ex has zero libido…zilch!. she would rather kiss and caress but when it comes to taking it further she would hesitate and deflect.. Being a cool and calm boyfriend that I am, I let it slide all the time at the expense of my blue balls. Deep inside I was unhappy and would fantasize about my other ex’s that were “normal”. It would eat me up inside cos I wasn’t communicating my feelings and it eventually made me careless for her. Communication they say is important in every relationship but how do you communicate with someone that is uber sensitive ?.

    • Jane Public

      March 5, 2014 at 6:03 pm

      Write an email and take off for the weekend. Zero communication during that period and let the person stew over it very well. Wait first, premarital sex is wrong so you shouldn’t even be having such problems. Loooool. My comment is tongue in cheek, but who knows, it can work

  10. Peps

    March 5, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    a very serious topic indeed,sex with my hubby used to be so great too,,till we started ttc,we just wait till my fertile period n baby dance,i used to go to another room,pleasure my self and cum (pls forgive my language),then go and do the deed,that way am already wet and avoid dry penetration,…@ some point i got tired and we talked about it and put in extra effort to make it a fun process.

  11. star

    March 5, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    I just think it is harder for a woman to express how she feels because of fear of reprisal, so she suffers in silence. Couples should communicate in and out of the sheets. Guys don’t get all heated up when she says you are getting it wrong instead listen and get it right. Lets make LOVE.

  12. Life goes on

    March 6, 2014 at 10:34 am

    I have not had good sex since my ex boy friend even though am married now I breakdown every time I have sex with my hubby , some times I just imagine my ex to be my hubby and bam I enjoy it a little bit, I have not kissed my hubby since December last year, I guess I traded my happiness just to be MRS but I wonder how long I can live with the consequences though

    • iyke

      March 6, 2014 at 12:29 pm

      What a shame! Living a sexless life is worse than death itself.

      You have three choices to choose JUST 1:

      1.Change the situation
      2.Walk away from the situation
      3. Embrace the situation

      Your life, Your choice.

  13. Evans

    March 6, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Very interesting topic that concerns everyone. As for me, sex was great with my hubby when we were still dating, just seeing his ”big man” got me all wet and ready to dance. We’ve been married for a little over a year now and sex is still great tho sometimes it gets painful and not interesting especially during the week when he just wants to go in there without foreplay. However, being a very vocal person i talked to him about how to touch me and where to touch me and he took to it. Though generally i tend to enjoy it more during the weekend when we have the time to get naughty with intense foreplay. Sunday afternoon is a great time for sex, instead of visiting or have people visiting just lock yourselves at home and do the do.LOL

  14. Mrs Nwosu

    March 6, 2014 at 4:23 pm

    I think communiation is key, you need to find a way to nicely, lovingly tell what yo want. In my relationship am the freaky one and i tell or initiate how i want to be loved(sexed)

  15. Modella

    March 6, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Hahahahah..God knows,I’m abstaining..New year vow

  16. boss chic

    March 6, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    PLEASE DOES ANYONE ELSE HERE FEEL PEPPERISH IN THEIR VAGINAL WHEN UR GUY CUMS INSIDE?
    i always feel dis painful pepperish feelinh in my vaginal that last for like 2hrs after sex whenever my fiancee makes lov to me.
    i only dont feel if he withdraws n not cum inside.
    i ve always begged him and he agrees
    but am wondering how that will sound after our wedding and i keep telling him not to cum inside.
    dt pain is really killing
    and d worse of it he will just doze off leaving me all alone nursing my burning toto

    • seon

      March 7, 2014 at 8:03 am

      Eleyi gidi gan

  17. h's boo

    March 6, 2014 at 11:13 pm

    Lmao Lol

  18. sussy

    March 6, 2014 at 11:14 pm

    My dear,u need to see a doctor or a female nurse

  19. Jaennie Walker

    March 7, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    …Seriously Lmfao @ d part “you have to go see a pastor or a doctor”… This topic is a very sensitive one.. Thanks doc for bringing it up… Also, I would like to say that nobody is perfect, so one has to communicate how he/she feels, the right way, and always not try to compare… It can be destructive tho…

  20. Kryx

    March 13, 2014 at 10:36 pm

    ROTFLMHO…@ Seon…u’re so spot on @Boss Chic, get medical and religious intercession from a genuine pastor, not like one we heard of recently, who may want to check the pepperishness #licenseToGbagaun.

  21. vivian

    April 22, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    why is my vagina always pepperishness and painfull when am having sex with my husband, i recently discover i have some peels on my vagina like sores which is making it peppering me , PLEASE HOW CAN I REMOVE THIS PEEL FROM MY VAGINA??

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