Isio Knows Better is an attempt to capture the shocking and highly entertaining conversation within myself. The conversations between my mind (the sharp witty one), my soul (the lover and the spiritual one) and my body (the playful one concerned with the more mundane things of life). She is the eternal referee between the caustic mind and the sensitive soul. This is Isio. So, here’s to making private conversations public.
Perhaps because this was the week of my late dad’s burial, I started thinking about his many words to me when he was alive. Don’t worry, this is a fun article. It is not dark, depressing or bleak. My father was an original Deltan; a funny and witty man. One day, I would give you the gist of how my dad acted like an angry mute to get out of a neighboring village rebels’ capture. He was caught riding his bicycle to school through the land both villages were fighting over; and how they horrifyingly sent him away before he spoilt their market.
Hehheheee, funny stuff!
Anyway, so there I was… I don chop starch and owifigbo soup finish, belle con sweet me well-well.
You see, my father taught me that it is important that you know yourself – every good, bad and ugly thing about yourself. Identify your strengths and weaknesses. That was what I was trying to do. But, my mind would rather nag me about the caloric consequences of the owofigbo, periwinkle and fresh fish with cow tail that I just consumed. See me see wahala o! So I no fit con chop beta food again, shuo?!
I internalized the questions and asked her again. But she was on a roll. Please please, how can I come to the village and eat grass (aka salad). I told her to look around, that that was what the goats and cows outside were eating.
[She (my mind) laughed mischievously as she passed her reply through my consciousness and munched on her imaginary carrot.]
‘‘I don’t know, ask your ex-boyfriends, I am sure they would have some things to say about that…’’. (She smirked) And if we are being brutally honest, you can start by being honest yourself and admit that you don’t like it when a guy opens your fridge and eats all your food without asking–‘’
I was so aghast she said this out loud, I retorted sharply, ‘‘my friend, sharrap! What is that?! Do you think I care about food that much? Besides, that is not a weakness, but a simple dislike. Nonsense.’’
*Yimu! Of course you care about your ‘special’ food. Admit it. You don’t like it when they just waltz into your house like they are the king of your castle and just start chomping on your food and drinking your wines without asking. It annoys you, but of course you are too polite to actually say anything.
She clicked her tongue at me then she said, ‘‘Okay, I know this is important to you, but how about we play another game instead, huh? Let’s be honest, and put to words your ‘‘dislikes’’. Things you don’t like for no apparent reason. Everyone has some. Admit that first, before we go further’’.
…And then there was silence in the land while I searched my heart for things I knew I really disliked, some for no logical reason. And this is what I found…
No. 1 – That Thing Called Agbalumo
I loved and ate agbalumo so much as a child that it’s only fair that I now thoroughly dislike it as an adult. On that day, I looked at my tiny hands stained with agbalumo juice and I did not like the me that I saw. It was little wonder, I was on my 22nd agbalumo of the day, and it was just past noon. I threw away all the remaining agbalumo in my school bag away in disgust. I have hated it ever since. Poor fruit.
No. 2 – Incessant Horn-Honking (a.k.a ‘horning’)
Okay, there a logical reason why this bothers me. Incessant horning seems to be a hobby for many Lagos drivers. Horning anyhow like it’s a symphony of mad music. It’s pollution I tell you, and harassment.
No. 3 – Coffee
I really wish I loved coffee, but it’s just a taste I never acquired. The smell just bothers me so much. It’s too strong, and I find the taste so overwhelming. I have been a tea connoisseur for years and have to have at least three cups daily. I am told I should try something called Frappuccino. If it is as good as they say, well… we will see about that.
No. 4 – Bread and Stew
Tahhhhhhh! Bread and stew… That combination is an insult. An insult to bakers, cooks and everything. Such lazy food. Haba! Aunty and bros, dignify your frying pan and just break an egg in that stew and you at least have egg-stew. Please, ‘stew’ is not a befitting companion to bread jo. Seeing someone eat bread and stew is as bothersome as seeing someone eat jollof rice from a cup. Ewwwwwww! Oghene biko o!
No. 5 – Saliva and Sweat
Walahi talai, su mo bi lai, this really bothers me, a lot. I can’t explain it. I often get asked how I feel about kissing and to be honest, I don’t mind kissing as long as you don’t use it as an excuse to baptize me with your saliva. Apparently, as a female, I’m supposed to be all kissy-kissy but I am NOT a wet ‘kissy-kissy’ person. Deep love + passion = kiss. Anything less, NO DEAL. Oga no vex. I will manage your brain like that. Do you know how many micro-organisms are in a drop of saliva? That foamy thing! Tahhhh! What toothpaste do you even use sef?! And that whole tongue business, some people just take it too far by slicing their tongue through your lips and wrench apart your teeth like it’s a pulsating sword. Some would even attempt to suck out your oesophagus; others will attempt to suck out your soul. Others will leave your cheeks and jaws wet.
Yuck Yuck Yuck.
And sweat. Ugh. Once I knew someone who used to sweat while he slept. Ahan. Na wa for you o! Are you fighting spiritual battles in your sleep? Dem no get hankerchief for your dream? Hian. Biko no near me o. Go baff first.
No. 6 – Fat Dodo
I mean if you are going to eat fried plantain, you might as well go all the way and dice them or slice them in decent sizes and fry the thing. Some people would cut one plantain into two or three or four ugly lumps then fry it and then decide to eat it. Except that it is brown on the outside and the inside is yellow and undone. It’s like eating something that looks like dodo but is kpete-kpete in your mouth like overripe yellow banana. Ayama. Decent dodo for me is no more than half a centimeter thick and about 6 centimeters long. That whole cutting dodo like a dead goat’s roasted tongue is just traumatizing abeg.
Okay, okay. Now I have done my own. It’s your turn. We all have pet-peeves. Things you just can’t stand even though you can’t explain it. Things you dislike for no logical reason. Wikipedia describes this as a minor annoyance that an individual finds particularly annoying to themselves, to a greater degree than others may find it.
Have a fabulous Tuesday everyone!
Isio Wanogho is a top-model, TV Personality and entrepreneur. She is conversant in five languages and has 12 years of experience in the Nigerian entertainment industry. Isio, popularly known by her brand name Isio De-laVega, captivates audiences with her signature wide smile and relatable, quirky personality which endears her to many. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @isiodelavega