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“I hate feeling Trapped” – Funmi Iyanda shares the Background of why she may Never Marry in “The Marriage Diary”

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A couple of days ago TV personality Funmi Iyanda caused quite the reaction when she tweeted about her disinterest in marriage.

She posted on her Twitter page “I have never wanted to be married. I like it for others who like it for themselves. But as for me, Ms Funmi Iyanda, no thank you,” and it got a conversation started in her mentions.

Yesterday she posted a short article on her Medium page sharing the back story of why she has no interest in marriage.

In the write-up, she shares some of her childhood experiences, including how she grew up with her father after her mum took off and her father’s love for his liquor. She also talks about how she was sexually abused and how her step-mother tried to match-make her when she was younger.

The article was done in four parts, divided into years.

Read excerpts below.

Talking about her father, she says:

You see, my father is a brother who drank which is bad enough but he is also a brother who is single, his wife having disappeared 6 years previously. Who knows if it was his drinking that disappeared her or so l hear them say.

On her father getting remarried, she says:

Daddy has been married almost two years now, not to the sister that brother Eleyinmi found but to another good sister, a sister so full of love for Jehovah, he must be high fiving angel Gabriel. She is sister Ireti. She and l are not talking now because we fought over a brother who wanted to marry me. That happened last week.

On her step-mother, she says:

My step mum Ireti is tall, full figured and pretty, daddy must have something. She had my baby sister last year and called her JehovahTosin, which I personally thought was an overkill, Oluwatosin is just as good. Tosin is a gorgeous baby who follows me everywhere, we both look like daddy. We call my step mum Mama Tosin. They say I’m a moody and intense teenager; mama Tosin is loud and haphazard, more dutiful to Jehovah than to daddy but they like each other, I think.

On being a teenager, she says:

I like books and music, nothing else. I don’t think boys like me, the onetime l had gone with Ronke to visit her boyfriend, his creepy friend had tried to touch my breasts, and they were not even a good size. I didn’t know Jehovah Witness girls could have boyfriends outside the church but Ronke was so beautiful, who could blame them, or her. I don’t believe the few boys who say I’m pretty, l think they just want to have sex, which is a sin. I’m determined not to have sex or get pregnant or anything stupid like that. I’m going to university somehow. Maami told me l must before she went missing, what if she came back?

On being sexually abused by adults, she says:

Teaching from house to house wasn’t easy either especially as l had to convince parents and get referrals when l was the daughter of a brother who drank. I am bad at maths so I have to teach myself so l could teach the children. The parents always treat me like l don’t exist except sometimes when the fathers squeeze my breasts, l hate them squeezing my breasts, they are not even big.

On her stepmother matchmaking her and not wanting to get married, she says:

So it was that mama Tosin, concocted a plan to match make me with this man who worked in an oil company. She was blissfully unaware that the old and gross man -I hear he’s almost 30- had already been giving me bad vibes with lecherous moves. Brother or no, l can always tell the ones who want to get into my pants but I’m determined to go to university and become a doctor. Last week he came visiting bearing gifts, which he handed to me in a shopping bag. There was that new Seiko watch, the one everyone wanted badly, a bottle of Samsara perfume and 50 naira. Mama Tosin went to the kitchen for some reason. In that time he stepped up to me and tried to hug me, his penis poking my long skirt like all those stupid men on the bus to school. I really don’t know what came over me but a blinding rage travelled through my belly button and flung the gift bag out of our second floor window. It landed back on the formerly orange sofa because the window had mosquito netting and burglar bars. I was so mad; l tore the netting with my bare hands and tossed the bag out through the bars. Everybody has been angry with me since because you can’t talk emotions with parents. Daddy isn’t laughing or playing music as much these days, it is almost as if he is an elder even though they haven’t made him one still. I miss my daddy.If he asked me l would have told him that l was appalled that this man and everyone else thought that of all the possibilities open to me at age 16, the best was marriage which seemed the least intelligent survivalist option. I couldn’t communicate how disgusted and belittled l felt. Nothing about it made me feel excited or hopeful. The thought of it made me feel entrapped and frightened. I hate feeling trapped.

On still not wanting to get married, she says:

I still hate feeling trapped.

You can read up the full post here.

27 Comments

  1. cocopops

    January 20, 2017 at 11:49 am

    Oh my days! she never gets old…forever young.

    • Anne

      January 20, 2017 at 5:45 pm

      Hmmnn. Childhood experiences still scar seriously. Parents you need to watch out and ask God for wisdom. Marriage for me is not a trap, and I won’t say otherwise just to make everyone happy. That’s the blatant truth. Marriage to the wrong person in the wrong way can be the trap.

  2. hadiza

    January 20, 2017 at 11:58 am

    You go girl. I know exactly how u feel. Marriage is synonymous with slavery for women. U can’t make your own decisions, a man has to be the head over u as if u are a child. I support u 100%.

  3. A Real Nigerian

    January 20, 2017 at 12:04 pm

    Wonderful, beautiful, strong woman.
    With the magnitude of gorgeousness you see on black women, it’s a shame black guys look the way they do. Ew.

    • LemmeRant

      January 20, 2017 at 5:44 pm

      You mean the magnitude of gorgeousness after the hair extensions, foundations, mary-kays, fixed nails, fixed-lashes, fixed-padding. fixed-breast, fixed-ass, tummy-padding, fake-hips etc. Well one would expect that after going through all that transformation you’d at least look okay,

      Btw she’s extremely light skinned. Your “black women” assertion is shaky.

    • A Real Nigerian

      January 20, 2017 at 10:16 pm

      No. I mean all the gorgeousness WITH or WITHOUT all the things you have listed.
      She’s extremely light-skinned so? How does that stop her from being black? Because Kurt Angle looks the way he does means he isn’t white?

      “Your black women assertion is shaky”

      Suuuure. As shaky as your constant, desperate attempts at sarcasm and smart retorts that always come across as lame and cringeworthy.

    • Adunnie

      January 21, 2017 at 12:03 am

      “Btw she’s extremely light skinned. Your “black women” assertion is shaky.”
      Are you really serious?? So being light skinned makes you less negro???? So those of us who can’t produce enough melanin to make us the “ideal black woman” in your head, what race do we now claim?

  4. fusion OAU

    January 20, 2017 at 12:19 pm

    @hadiza, calm down it really isn’t that bad….. @Ms. Funmi Iyanda, you can write though… sounds like a good third party self narrative….

  5. Iyanda

    January 20, 2017 at 12:27 pm

    Did u fall in love/or did you allow yourself to?

  6. isaid!!

    January 20, 2017 at 1:24 pm

    Ms funmi iyanda can really write. Its must have been a painful childhood. I can totally relate .

  7. Uche the gentleman

    January 20, 2017 at 1:32 pm

    Please speak for yourself who says every woman who is married is trapped or under slavery. They can’t make their own decisions, a man has to be the head over them. dont get it twisted there are women out there who are truely enjoying their marriage. If you dont want to get married then dont but stop with this nonsense that martiage is slavery. It isnt. Is the person (man or woman) in the marriage that determines what the marriage turns out to be. Marriage is a blessing as well as being single. Stop trying to convince yourself why you shouldnt get married. like you women trying to give a reason why you dont want to….

    • ANon

      January 20, 2017 at 1:49 pm

      But she was speaking for HERSELF. She wrote about herself and why SHE doesn’t want to get married. So please breathe and don’t kill yourself. Such a gentleman that you are. Historically marriage is linked to oppression and making too many sacrifices, not too many women want to risk that at all, and there are men that want to get married too. We need to stop pushing people into marriage or childbirth when they don’t want it, it’s bad for everybody in the end

    • Just passing by

      January 20, 2017 at 4:20 pm

      Those were her thoughts at age sixteen when her step-ma was trying to match-make her to a 30year old somebody. People should lighten plz…. Jeez!

    • Just passing by

      January 20, 2017 at 4:21 pm

      * lighten up

  8. Madman

    January 20, 2017 at 1:38 pm

    I love. Best Women to be with.

  9. TeeW

    January 20, 2017 at 1:48 pm

    I love ❤️…”Crying” I love this so much, put my memories behind but this story has brought memories and encouragement I’m not the only one. Thank you Funmi

  10. Mo'Diva

    January 20, 2017 at 3:18 pm

    Awwww I love this funmi. I just put myself in the story and got these feelings I can’t explain. Funmi I love the way you write Kai!!

  11. Whatever

    January 20, 2017 at 3:30 pm

    Marriage is not akin to being trapped. Since she has never been married before, I’m wondering how she came to that conclusion. Marriage is different for everyone. It can be the greatest partnership or hell on earth. She is a bit long in the tooth now so I’m sure it’s not that easy to find the kind of husband she would want, so she’s covering that up with acting like marriage is a bad thing. Please, give us a break some of us know your antics with men all over the place.

    • Truth hurts

      January 20, 2017 at 10:03 pm

      Antics with men all over the place. Nigerians and their hypocrisy and busybody. Go and gave your own. If she did nko was your husband or brother involved. Really. …?????

  12. Ololade Olusola

    January 20, 2017 at 4:06 pm

    We all make choices based on our past experiences…Marriage is not a trap…

  13. Ese V

    January 20, 2017 at 5:36 pm

    I read the original article. Bella Naija completely messed it up with this whole excerpt thing. The article lost the beauty.

  14. Nah soohh

    January 20, 2017 at 11:19 pm

    Women act like they never wanna be married but stay trying to break up happy homes!! Shallat to Mrs Segun Odegbami. #Dahzall!!

    • tee

      January 25, 2017 at 6:47 pm

      which happy homes and which of the Mrs Odegbami

  15. nene

    January 21, 2017 at 12:46 am

    wow! now i understand why she’s the way she is. life is too short to be unhappy.

  16. Iamgold

    January 21, 2017 at 7:17 am

    Please how well do you know her antics??? What an assertion ?. Just hiding behind some cheap phones with borrowed data to feel among…. shio ?. Please go and read the complete article and get educated on the realities that some still go through in a daily basis even in 2017!

    • Iamgold

      January 21, 2017 at 7:19 am

      ***On a daily…. typos

  17. Verasky

    January 21, 2017 at 7:39 am

    I totally agree with her, everyone have their own opinion about marriage and for me marriage is a so over hyped . Truth is marriage frustrates the living hell out of you, breaks you down emotional and ties you down.. women really suffer a lot in marriages… sometimes I wish marriage didnt exist….

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