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Aunty Bella: Miss. Is He The One For Me?

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.
We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***

Good afternoon Aunty Bella,

My name is Jasmine (all names are not real) Thank you for this platform as I have been willing to bear my mind to someone anonymous because I don’t want my friends or folks to judge me.

I have made a terrible decision which I am not proud of but I am finding it difficult to heal and let go.

Here is my story, I work at big supermarket store as the Retail Operations Head, and I get to meet a lot of people every day at work which is a norm because of my job. On this fateful day sometime last year, I met a male customer who needed help. Luckily I was around the cash point, so I offered to help, I set my eyes on him and that was the very first time in my life I experienced Love at first sight. At this time I am single and a lady of 28yrs old, I wanted to know him, meet with him, and get along and all immediately. He politely asked for my name and was happy I Could help out. He left the store without asking for my number or saying his name and I totally kept my cool.

I called 2 of my close friends to say I met my boyfriend today and they sarcastically asked what his name was and I said I don’t know. Really, it sounded stupid to even me. So that night I prayed and said God please bring him back to the store I want to know him and all.

Several weeks passed and I didn’t see him – unknown to me that he sometimes stopped at the store to check if I was around. He couldn’t find me, so he moved on.

We met on another day around the supermarket, he shouted my name and opened his arms for a hug. I shyly hugged him and forgot to ask of his name still. By our third meeting, I was forced to say “what is your name?” He gently said his name Fikayo and I was like finally I know my boyfriend’s name on my mind.

I called my same set of friends to announce the name and they just laughed about it. Some time in December we met again at another store, not my work place, and he spotted me at first and called me. I was happy to see Fikayo again so he told me he was at that store with his girlfriend, and I should meet her Gabriella. I was sad, but I needed to act happy, so I said hello to the lady. I received a cold response from her I could read between the line no one wants to lose her man to another woman so I smiled and walked away.

I was heartbroken that my supposed boyfriend has a relationship and I have met the lady. I called my same set of friends who told me to drop the fantasy get a real life and move on.
Yes, I was determined to move on so I gave dating an opportunity with my longtime friend Dele, who has always asked me out. Dele and I were cool we started dating on the January 1, 2017 but within me I would have wanted Fikayo over him any day.

The third week in January I met Fikayo again at my office and this time he came to say “can I please get your number I have been willing to ask for it like forever”
I immediately gave him my number like I have been waiting for this moment too kind of feeling.

That particular night, Fikayo was on the phone with me for over 2 hours we talked and laughed. I asked how his girlfriend was, and he said she is fine. I am a man, I know what I want.
Honestly, that was not a perfect answer but because I wanted him so bad, I felt like that is correct.
He told me his full names and as a curious cat, I wanted to find out about him, I found nothing on social media but I found out he was from a well to do family. I said to myself I am not about his money I just love this dude because what I felt was love at first sight. I am not in love with the bank account details.

We kept talking for days and about a week he invited me over to his place for sleep over, as I barely have time for hangouts or dates. At first I declined but later I was like this is the same guy I wanted. Come on, we are adults we can talk and gist all night without any form of intimacy, so I agreed to go.

That night, he asked me to buy dinner and he wanted some toiletries from my store. He asked me to send my account details, so he can send money for everything and send his driver to come get me from my office. I had some cash on me so I told him not to worry about the transfer. I got everything he wanted and dinner. I asked him not to send his driver over, since I could take a bike or public transport to get to the address. This is Lagos na, I said to myself. I was there on time after work. We had dinner, talked a little, but didn’t say a word about if we are going for a relationship or not; I played along and since this is Fikayo I won’t mind. That night we had sex. It was forceful and I was so reluctant considering, this is our first date we had unprotected sex.

In the morning I felt less of myself, my head was buried inside me. His driver took me to work. I was very sad and there I knew I had lost this guy, because I know that was not the best way to keep or make a man stay. He called me all day and wanted to be sure I was fine, which I knew was unreal.

He asked for my bank details to send me money so I can take care of myself for having unprotected sex. I declined the offer because I know he will send more and on his mind thinks he paid for the sex.

I was extremely cold towards him and after some days/weeks we don’t talk as often, I then decided to block his contact on my phone both on WhatsApp and calls. I had a terrible moment forgiving myself, I told my same set of friends who reprimand and advise me to let go and move on. I was hard towards myself, I prayed and asked for forgiveness and felt better again.

After so many weeks, he walked to my office and wanted to talk, but I was at work and I told him I would call him which I didn’t. His presence again reminded me of how I feel about him. I started getting cold towards Dele, edited his name on my contact list and save it as Fikayo, so whenever Dele called I will see Fikayo on the screen. I was that crazy.

My phone has a way of getting notifications from blocked numbers, so this Saturday I was home, making breakfast when I saw notifications on my phone numerous times the real Fikayo had tried reaching me, I was excited and decided to call him back by unblocking his number. I called and he sounded excited as well.

We fixed another date to meet and this time I said I was never coming over, but he had mentioned all he wanted to do was talk and no sex. I did believe him and I went over bought dinner and he was extremely nice. We didn’t have a really personal talk, but we didn’t have sex as promised.

After that day, he kept calling to check on me for the next 2 days and later he stopped. I’d call he won’t get my call.

I am totally confused on what to do, Dele is a good guy but I don’t feel half of what I feel for Fikayo for him. What should I do? I want Fikayo, but the attitude is not right.

I also know that sex on first date is wrong. Unprotected sex is terrible and can destroy me. I used precautions so I am pregnancy free. I have gone for my HIV test because I understand all the health risk involved.

The truth is I am not perfect, but Fikayo has been the only guy I ever met, exchange numbers and made out with from my workplace.

But I am confused.

Photo Credit: Kurhan | Dreamstime.com

44 Comments

  1. Spunky

    April 23, 2017 at 11:06 pm

    Are you seeking advise or telling us a story? Fikayo is your addiction, your poison…I’m sorry, but you may not find answers here.

    • LemmeRant

      April 24, 2017 at 3:16 am

      My own is that you sha leave dele alone.

      Whatever you want to do with your fikayo no concern me.

    • Doroanon

      April 24, 2017 at 4:56 am

      Choi Poison? I have a poison in my life he’s a hunk bit he is so laid back concering us n Im crazy in love with him n I have a king in my life that adores me.A king that looks like a shepherd boy! U know the way the bible describes David.He’s no hunk but a hard worker.A lover of God he adores me Im not crazy about him but I love him. I was about to let my fleshy desires mislead me but I decided to follow The King n not the hunk? The body of a man can change, get wrinkled but a beautiful heart is forever beautiful

    • curious

      April 24, 2017 at 1:34 pm

      pls at this time when we are debating this issue of “consent” before sex….I would be grateful if someone can explain what the writer meant by saying “the sex was forceful”? I really think discussions like these are important so that guys know when they are crossing the line. I mean 8 out of 10times u make a move on a lady, she always offers some sort of resistance…I have come to know this point as the point when the lady’s hormones and common sense are having a battle. The hormones want the sex, common sense on the other hand urges her to keep the cookie for several reasons (her dignity, unwanted pregnancy, STDs etc). Usually if the guy persists a little longer the hormones win and the lady gives in. My question is at what point does this persistence becomes “rape or molestation”. Personally I have always backed out when the “no” sounded firm. But there was this particular lady who I had sex with, initially there was the “no” but it was also mixed with a lot of moaning and deep breadths…at that point we were kissing. Eventually we eventually did the do…but I noticed she was withdrawn afterwards and honestly I felt sad. We had great chemistry and I enjoyed talking with her. Anytime any day, I would have chosen the friendship over the sex. So someone please clarify…BN I think u guys should do a special post on this subject of “consent”

    • ogeAdiro

      April 24, 2017 at 2:48 pm

      If she says no, even if she was nodding when she said the no, it will probably be in your best interest to leave her alone. My friend and one girl were playing romance one time, at some point, he asked if he could kick it up a notch, and the girl answered “if you want to.” My guy just quietly went and sat on another chair. He said that the absence of yes in the girl’s answer was all it took.

  2. Ify

    April 23, 2017 at 11:10 pm

    If he’s still with his girlfriend, LEAVE HIM ALONE. But if not, nothing stops you both from dating. And stop wasting Dele’s time, you clearly don’t like him. Let him move on.

    • Osa

      April 24, 2017 at 2:03 am

      The question is “Does fikayo really like her?” . If he does a proper relationship should have ensued.

      Given that they had sex too soon, we don’t know what effect that had on fikayo’s mindset. Only Filayo knows that.
      The ‘keeping in touch’ of Fikayo could be as a result of him not wanting her to feel used by him and horrible after the sex. Time will tell

  3. Bad gang

    April 23, 2017 at 11:26 pm

    Ashawo! Meanwhile Dele is somewhere thinking of you…take rat poison, that is my advice to you…addictions are very bad you know

    • Lol

      April 23, 2017 at 11:53 pm

      So unnecessary ah ah

    • Lailatu

      April 24, 2017 at 11:39 am

      That actually made me LOL! Bad gang are you sure you are not a bus conductor? Nigerians can be harsh sha.

  4. o

    April 23, 2017 at 11:28 pm

    There’s really nothing to be confused about. It’s not like Fikayo has said he wants to be with you. You haven’t told us he left his girlfriend either. What happened was a fling, which frankly, happens to a lot of people. However to avoid heartbreak, you need to stop building castles in the air and face reality. Either you let Dele go since you feel nothing for him, or you try and build your likeness for him.

    As for Fikayo, if he feels the same way, he’ll sort out himself and come for you. But for now take your mind off it and see it as a one night stand

  5. funmilola

    April 23, 2017 at 11:30 pm

    Sister, please leave Fikayo alone. He’s just a fantasy and you the real deal about fantasies….. you’re 28, meaning you should really know what you want in a man by now. Go for that which is good and healthy for you.

  6. Alterego

    April 23, 2017 at 11:49 pm

    I tell you this. If he really wants you, he will send you clear signals. He will tell you he wants to be in your life, more than a friend. He wouldn’t make you tear out your hair, wondering what is going on. The fact that you are confused is enough signal that he really, really doesn’t want you. So leave him alone, focus on your life, you seem nice, don’t dim your shine. Someone else will come along. It isn’t the end of the world, you will look back on this situation and shrug.
    Many years ago, I found out the guy I was dating, was seeing someone else. I confronted him and he didn’t deny. Said I should give him 3 weeks to make up his mind who he’d continue with. The gall! The impunity! I didn’t know my landlady’s 9year old son eavesdropped on us. Small fella went out and slashed bobo’s car tires and broke one headlamp. I couldn’t stay upset. I laughed till I couldn’t breathe. Once sane, I thought of how I would cope and all. But look at me now, living and stunting.
    Babe, toss him if e no work. And if you really don’t like Dele, stop. Enjoy yourself, dust your shoulders and give yourself a treat. Do something fun and love yourself a lot. Life isn’t hard.

    • BOSS

      April 24, 2017 at 7:56 pm

      Make up your mind. How long did he ask to sort himself. 3 wks or 3 months??. How old is your landlady’s son 8yrs or 12yrs??

  7. Lol

    April 23, 2017 at 11:55 pm

    I mean we can all tell you yo leave him alone but you have to make that mental decision to leave him. I’m just going to pray for you love.

  8. DunniDunni

    April 24, 2017 at 12:47 am

    I don’t think Fikayo has any serious plans for you. One your first “date” he asked you to go buy dinner and some groceries (even he wanted to pay you back). That tells you he’s not romantic or willing to go out of his way to impress you. The sex was forceful, and he (perhaps) still has a girlfriend. These are not the actions of a guy that’s really into you. Wake up and smell the fling. It seems like you’re not really into Dele either. Best to move on from both dudes, it’s not an either/or situation. Shine your eyes.

  9. www.thelmathinks.com

    April 24, 2017 at 1:11 am

    Jeez! Are you 28 or 18? Even 18 year olds are not as naive, confused or ignorant as this. I pray that you receive some sense and leave both guys alone. Your Fikayo does not give a sh*t about you. Your Dele deserves better than you. Just focus on work and growing up for now. I don’t see you sustaining a healthy relationship with anyone right now. I really don’t mean to sound mean but you sound like you need a healthy dose of tough love and common sense.

    Oh, before I forget, please all that mess of using your money to buy things for a man, and rejecting the money when he wants to pay back, all that mess of taking an okada when he’s offered to send you his driver (I mean, even if he didn’t offer you should have asked for that or some other form of comfortably transporting you) to his place since you wanted to go there, all that buying food and taking to a man that you don’t even know, all that is going to take you no where in this life, if anything it will set you back. At your age you should know better, but since you don’t, please try and form a friendship with a sensible female who’s a few years older than you are. You really need a lot of guidance. I know you were being kind and trying to prove that you’re not about his money, but Nne wake up! Be an independent woman by all means, but not at your own loss, especially for a man who hasn’t proven or even tried to prove himself to you. Goodnight.

    • Cocolette

      April 24, 2017 at 1:52 am

      Nne, this one vex you well well o ?, This one you added ‘goodnight’…

    • Idomagirl

      April 24, 2017 at 9:16 am

      As in! Using her money to pay for the items and taking okada to his place after he offered to pay & send his driver.
      As per wife material. ?

    • o

      April 24, 2017 at 11:05 am

      Iyawo material 100yards… Lol

    • sweetzie

      April 24, 2017 at 5:51 pm

      Worddddd! It’s actually a turn off for men who wants to take care of a lady. Let him prove he wants you. Let him chase you for crying out loud. Regardless, lesson learned. Give it time but do not contact him. Plus he has a girlfriend. Imagine dating this dude. He’ll definitely cheat on you with another girl. It’s time to move on please.

    • Ify

      April 25, 2017 at 11:23 am

      YOU ARE CORRECT, LET THE WRITER READ ”WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES” AND REALIZE THAT SHE MADE ALL THE WRONG MOVES….

  10. Chi

    April 24, 2017 at 1:21 am

    He told you he has a girlfriend, Sis. Leave him alone. Do not call or text him.

    Concentrate on improving and taking care of you, your work, hobbies, hanging out with friends, family etc. Keep doing what makes you happy.

    Also let Dele go since you are not into him.

    There is anothing old saying: ‘never run after a bus or a man, there will always be another’.

  11. Jane

    April 24, 2017 at 3:02 am

    well it happens and to the best of girls. you see a guy and you get fixated on him thinking the sun rises and sets on his butt. Babe wake up ( have u learnt nothing from Toke Makinwa) because u seem to be her in the making with this story line i.e. totally obsessed with a guy and waiting for him to do right by you.
    Move on and the earlier the better, delete everything concerning him from your life like ASAP and leave Dele because you are just wasting his time. You mentioned something about prayers , well, keep praying for the right person to come along and stop relying on feelings, in serious matters think with your head to get the right guy to settle with.
    Again don’t compromise on you for any guy, when the right one comes, he would move heaven and earth to be with you. wish u the best

  12. LEM

    April 24, 2017 at 4:52 am

    As @Lemme Rant said above, first of all please free Dele. You don’t love him, you are wasting his time and would want to use him as a rebound if/when the cards come crumbling. As for your Fikayo dude, I will highlight some things for you.

    1. He clearly told you he has a girlfriend. He even introduced you. You did not mention anywhere up here that he has broken up with her.
    2. He is in a relationship and had sex with you on the first date. What exactly does that tell you???
    3. You said he said ‘I am a man, I know what I want’. What the hell does that even mean???
    4. He calls you some days and doesn’t call some days. If you ask me, he calls when he has problems with Madam. Then when they make up, he forgets you.
    5. You can’t even call him out on his behaviour because he had already told you he was in a relationship and he will remind you of it.
    6. You should have stepped out once he introduced you to the girlfriend. Once a guy tells you this you should take a cue except you want a friends with benefit kind of relationship. If he really wanted you he would have sorted himself out before starting anything with him.

    Bottom line, you are an option to him. A plan B. If for any reason Madam breaks up with him he MIGHT (Note I said might) get with you. I say this because from your write up it’s obvious you still intend to continue in this your melodramatic ‘oneship’ with him. (Basically your relationship with him would depend on the actions of a third party, and pro

    • LEM

      April 24, 2017 at 5:24 am

      *And probably if there is no other option for bros).

    • Butterflymind

      April 24, 2017 at 12:12 pm

      Love the sound of ‘oneship’ lol

  13. john

    April 24, 2017 at 6:16 am

    women!!! this is how they confused their life , when everything backfires on them , they become an online feminist shouting men are scum , men cheats, men are this and that..waiting for someone to write a negative article on men ..my only concern in this article is the dude with the name dele..pls leave him alone or I wish he will catch you in ur cheating, so his brain will reset forcefully..what u do with fikayo is none of my concern,if he wants, let him urinate and shit on you..That is ur business but dont bring an innocent man into this ur confused life.

    • Fisayo

      April 25, 2017 at 10:06 am

      Yeah. We agree Johnny boy.

      But the difference is that all of us women here are telling her the damn truth, that her way is not pure and she needs to stop acting foolish towards Dele especially. We like Dele. We know Dele deserves better.

      You men on the other hand, you’d have been hailing your “guy” by now…letting him know it’s all good. Wetin dey dere? No be to gbensh extra gbenshing again? Abeg carry go. You never wear ring na. Notin do you. Etc.

      Eff outta here with your effing double standards.

  14. john

    April 24, 2017 at 6:18 am

    women!!! this is how they confused their life , when everything backfires on them , they become an online feminist shouting men are scum , men cheats, men are this and that..waiting for someone to write a negative article on men ..my only concern in this article is the dude with the name dele..pls leave him alone or I wish he will catch you in ur cheating, so his brain will reset forcefully..what u do with fikayo is none of my concern,That is ur business but dont bring an innocent man into this ur confused life.

  15. Idomagirl

    April 24, 2017 at 9:12 am

    Fikayo smelt your desperation and laid an easy trap for you which you fell into.
    After 3 months get tested for HIV and diseases o and don’t sleep with Dele or play with his emotions until you get yourself together.
    And stop thinking of that Fikayo.

  16. Yetty

    April 24, 2017 at 9:24 am

    Lmaoooo….the funniest thing is that..one year from now…what im I even saying sef…6months from now…e go shock you how stupid!!!! U really were…pls take urself out of this situation with Fikayo n dele…rediscover yourself bfr launching into another relationship ..at 28 u should know what you really want…
    P.s why do ladies do this nonsense when a man clearly Tells you he has a gf/wife..u wee still shook head..as if ur own pussy is lined with diamonds abi…mind my French

  17. Alterego

    April 24, 2017 at 9:50 am

    The fact that you are wondering where you stand or what you have to do about Fikayo is enough reason to see this is a no brainer. Any man who really wants something with you won’t make you question where you stand.
    Many years ago, I found out the guy I was dating at that time was cheating. He didn’t deny when I questioned him. He instead asked for a 3 month window period to make up his mind who he would continue with. Either me or the side chick (Maybe I was even the side chick) Oh, the gall! The fricking effontry. I didn’t know that my landlady’s 12 year old son was eavesdropping on us and the kid quickly went outside and slashed bobo’s tires and smashed a headlamp. And ran off! I couldn’t stop laughing to even get angry over the loss of the relationship.
    So dear poster, no man should make you question where you stand or what you have together. Leave Fikayo, leave the other dude alone. Don’t use him to get over Fikayo. You will live, you will meet others, someday you will remember Fikayo and your heart won’t clench. Life will be sweet.
    Babe, love yourself.

    • Audrey

      April 24, 2017 at 4:39 pm

      That 12 Y O is the real MVP LOOOL. Every girl needs a little brother like that

  18. yummymummycumchick

    April 24, 2017 at 10:40 am

    Be an independent woman by all means, but not at your own loss, especially for a man who hasn’t proven or even tried to prove himself to you.# gbam !!!!!!!!!
    pls leave Dele n forget FISAYO …. it was just a fling to him. dont be over excited

  19. Butterflymind

    April 24, 2017 at 11:55 am

    I knew someone like your Fikayo a long time ago and I loved him with all my heart. I also knew a man like your Dele too; I wasn’t in love with him, but I cared about him enough not to pursue a relationship that would hurt him.

    I know you feel like you’re in love with Fikayo. I know that whenever there’s a new guy you’ll always draw a comparison with your feelings for F being the benchmark, but it’s not going to help you. And love does happen more than once and the feelings vary.
    You need to make deliberate efforts to get this fellow out of your system. He only kept in touch to make sure you didn’t feel bad about the sex and now that he feels you’re both okay, he’ll avoid you like the plague. And you deserve better than this.
    Granted that your actions were hasty and not well thought-out, it’s no reason to feel like you can’t move on from this. I moved on (our stories are different though. kinda) and you will too because you deserve more.
    Understand your worth as a person and ‘demand’ to be treated that way. Your comfort matters. Your self-respect matters. And the way others especially men see and perceive you matters.

    So pick yourself up, make a decision to literally delete Fikayo from your life without hating him or yourself. Forgive the two parties involved in this mess. Set your principles and stick to them, and pray (I see you like praying) to God for the strength to do the right thing.

    You will be fine. All the best.

  20. Baymax

    April 24, 2017 at 2:02 pm

    Na wa for you o. The fact that you’re asking this question shows you already know the answer. Girl, you ARE bad. You know fully well that the guy has a girlfriend but you’re still chasing him.
    Poor Dele. I’m very sure there is a girl sincerely in love with him but he’s too busy trying to get the attention of a faithless bitch like you to even notice her.
    And worse, for the first time, i actually liked john’s comment. Shame on you. I hope dele gets to know exactly the kind of person you are before it’s too late.
    Life is ironic. Unfaithful girls like you are the ones who end up with good guys and now end up making their lives miserable.

  21. Tosin

    April 24, 2017 at 6:07 pm

    1. You’re such a fab writer. Could you please post something at least monthly? Please? Just keep saying something about the people you meet etc etc
    2. The guy possibly arranged the second meeting to cancel out the awkwardness from the first meeting-hook-up scenario. I’ll put that as a plus in his sensitivity column. You sef. You made a mess and he helped clean it up innit? Just do whatever you can to distract yourself, to absorb some of this love-love energy, let’s see if this guy comes through. Shebi he’s saying he knows what he wants ? 🙂 Sorry to the third and fourth parties sha. Lol. Of course the guy could be moving on from the encounter with you for whatever reason, good or bad. Have fun. Keep writing for us, we’re all that matters 🙂 matter? matters?

    • Jezebel

      April 24, 2017 at 6:40 pm

      Matter ✌?

  22. aj

    April 25, 2017 at 3:04 am

    Jasmine girl…unrequited love is such a biatch aint it? Please do forget about Fikayo he is not the the one for you! And Dele release him. Get away from them both and look forward to another man coming into your life that the love between you two will be mutual.

  23. ree

    April 25, 2017 at 4:30 pm

    you are only hurting yourself and wasting your precious time. I will advise you to leave both men, and move on with your life.

  24. rofiatppm

    April 25, 2017 at 8:48 pm

    Hi Auntybella,i want to share my story,how do i do that?,,Thank you.

  25. oluwatoyin

    March 27, 2018 at 11:29 am

    for u not to be in any relationship before do not mean u cannot control ur emotions mind you the perfect guy is on his way to meet a perfect girl but since you now have a flaws how do you want to do it…anyways our GOD is merciful meet HIM for to have mercy on you provided u are sincere.

  26. Tee girl

    October 21, 2018 at 12:40 pm

    Please how can I send my story to Aunty Bella? Currently in a dilemma and needs some answers. Thank you.

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