Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.
We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.
Good afternoon Aunty Bella,
My name is Jasmine (all names are not real) Thank you for this platform as I have been willing to bear my mind to someone anonymous because I don’t want my friends or folks to judge me.
I have made a terrible decision which I am not proud of but I am finding it difficult to heal and let go.
Here is my story, I work at big supermarket store as the Retail Operations Head, and I get to meet a lot of people every day at work which is a norm because of my job. On this fateful day sometime last year, I met a male customer who needed help. Luckily I was around the cash point, so I offered to help, I set my eyes on him and that was the very first time in my life I experienced Love at first sight. At this time I am single and a lady of 28yrs old, I wanted to know him, meet with him, and get along and all immediately. He politely asked for my name and was happy I Could help out. He left the store without asking for my number or saying his name and I totally kept my cool.
I called 2 of my close friends to say I met my boyfriend today and they sarcastically asked what his name was and I said I don’t know. Really, it sounded stupid to even me. So that night I prayed and said God please bring him back to the store I want to know him and all.
Several weeks passed and I didn’t see him – unknown to me that he sometimes stopped at the store to check if I was around. He couldn’t find me, so he moved on.
We met on another day around the supermarket, he shouted my name and opened his arms for a hug. I shyly hugged him and forgot to ask of his name still. By our third meeting, I was forced to say “what is your name?” He gently said his name Fikayo and I was like finally I know my boyfriend’s name on my mind.
I called my same set of friends to announce the name and they just laughed about it. Some time in December we met again at another store, not my work place, and he spotted me at first and called me. I was happy to see Fikayo again so he told me he was at that store with his girlfriend, and I should meet her Gabriella. I was sad, but I needed to act happy, so I said hello to the lady. I received a cold response from her I could read between the line no one wants to lose her man to another woman so I smiled and walked away.
I was heartbroken that my supposed boyfriend has a relationship and I have met the lady. I called my same set of friends who told me to drop the fantasy get a real life and move on.
Yes, I was determined to move on so I gave dating an opportunity with my longtime friend Dele, who has always asked me out. Dele and I were cool we started dating on the January 1, 2017 but within me I would have wanted Fikayo over him any day.
The third week in January I met Fikayo again at my office and this time he came to say “can I please get your number I have been willing to ask for it like forever”
I immediately gave him my number like I have been waiting for this moment too kind of feeling.
That particular night, Fikayo was on the phone with me for over 2 hours we talked and laughed. I asked how his girlfriend was, and he said she is fine. I am a man, I know what I want.
Honestly, that was not a perfect answer but because I wanted him so bad, I felt like that is correct.
He told me his full names and as a curious cat, I wanted to find out about him, I found nothing on social media but I found out he was from a well to do family. I said to myself I am not about his money I just love this dude because what I felt was love at first sight. I am not in love with the bank account details.
We kept talking for days and about a week he invited me over to his place for sleep over, as I barely have time for hangouts or dates. At first I declined but later I was like this is the same guy I wanted. Come on, we are adults we can talk and gist all night without any form of intimacy, so I agreed to go.
That night, he asked me to buy dinner and he wanted some toiletries from my store. He asked me to send my account details, so he can send money for everything and send his driver to come get me from my office. I had some cash on me so I told him not to worry about the transfer. I got everything he wanted and dinner. I asked him not to send his driver over, since I could take a bike or public transport to get to the address. This is Lagos na, I said to myself. I was there on time after work. We had dinner, talked a little, but didn’t say a word about if we are going for a relationship or not; I played along and since this is Fikayo I won’t mind. That night we had sex. It was forceful and I was so reluctant considering, this is our first date we had unprotected sex.
In the morning I felt less of myself, my head was buried inside me. His driver took me to work. I was very sad and there I knew I had lost this guy, because I know that was not the best way to keep or make a man stay. He called me all day and wanted to be sure I was fine, which I knew was unreal.
He asked for my bank details to send me money so I can take care of myself for having unprotected sex. I declined the offer because I know he will send more and on his mind thinks he paid for the sex.
I was extremely cold towards him and after some days/weeks we don’t talk as often, I then decided to block his contact on my phone both on WhatsApp and calls. I had a terrible moment forgiving myself, I told my same set of friends who reprimand and advise me to let go and move on. I was hard towards myself, I prayed and asked for forgiveness and felt better again.
After so many weeks, he walked to my office and wanted to talk, but I was at work and I told him I would call him which I didn’t. His presence again reminded me of how I feel about him. I started getting cold towards Dele, edited his name on my contact list and save it as Fikayo, so whenever Dele called I will see Fikayo on the screen. I was that crazy.
My phone has a way of getting notifications from blocked numbers, so this Saturday I was home, making breakfast when I saw notifications on my phone numerous times the real Fikayo had tried reaching me, I was excited and decided to call him back by unblocking his number. I called and he sounded excited as well.
We fixed another date to meet and this time I said I was never coming over, but he had mentioned all he wanted to do was talk and no sex. I did believe him and I went over bought dinner and he was extremely nice. We didn’t have a really personal talk, but we didn’t have sex as promised.
After that day, he kept calling to check on me for the next 2 days and later he stopped. I’d call he won’t get my call.
I am totally confused on what to do, Dele is a good guy but I don’t feel half of what I feel for Fikayo for him. What should I do? I want Fikayo, but the attitude is not right.
I also know that sex on first date is wrong. Unprotected sex is terrible and can destroy me. I used precautions so I am pregnancy free. I have gone for my HIV test because I understand all the health risk involved.
The truth is I am not perfect, but Fikayo has been the only guy I ever met, exchange numbers and made out with from my workplace.
But I am confused.
Photo Credit: Kurhan | Dreamstime.com