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Aunty Bella: Mrs. Overwhelmed with Domestic Chores

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. 
We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

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Hi People,

I have been married for two years going on three. I have a baby on the way and a lil’ cutie toddler.
Before I got married, my husband and I used to dine out a lot, have fun going out a lot. We were basically best friends, because we did everything together.

Ever since I got married, my husband expects me to cook all the time, clean all the time with no help from him; he has prohibited me from hiring help, claiming he’s not trusting of outside help, even family.

Before I got married, I was very attractive, fixed my nails, always wearing at least a bit of foundation or tinted moisturiser and lipstick. but now I am too busy to even think of myself. I have natural hair and it’s always in a bun. People think it’s for trend, but it’s really because I don’t have the time.

My husband doesn’t help me with anything, and he has friends that come around unannounced. I still have to fix something for them, because he asks me to do it in front of them. Even when I frown, he just stays quiet till I’m over it.
To be honest I don’t know how it all got this way. There was a day food was burning, and he was right there; I was in the toilet and he didn’t even help me at all! He was just shouting my name that food is burning. After confrontation he said he wasn’t sure I didn’t want it like that, because sometimes I give him burnt food. LIKE WTF!

Did I tell you he’s always the one to complain the house is littered, dirty or smells funky. Ok can you do something about it? He won’t – only complains. He used to take out the trash, but then he started getting the gateman to do it. Now, I am the one having to walk down to the gate to get the gateman, because I refuse to take that responsibility up.

Can we please even talk about our child? He interacts with him like 1 hour out of the whole day, the rest is up to me. Once I leave work, I pick my child, go home and it’s work, work, work… till I am exhausted. I tuck my child in, and crash. I have to frown most nights to avoid another work of sex again.

I was enduring all these till I saw my friend starting to get recognition for her acting craft, and her husband has been the one pushing for the realisation of her dreams, and always gushing about how proud he is on social media. I had an opportunity to leave my low paying government job for a private well paying one, and my husband says no  – that how will I have time for the family? He has even suggested I quit and start a business, but I vehemently refused because I think it’s a trap to be a house girl sorry housewife.

My husband fears God, quite successful. He doesn’t drink, smoke and all that, which I am grateful for; but his expectations of me are too much. I even feel bad when I can’t meet up to do everything he expects me to do,  and still look good for him.

It doesn’t help that our parents are very traditional and don’t see the problem in my predicament.

I feel trapped everyday, looking older than my age. I am seriously considering a separation, but I feel like my situation is very trivial unlike other women whose husbands cheat and are emotionally and physically abusive.

Are there any women who have handled situations like this successfully?

Thanks.

Photo Credit: Monkey Business Images | Dreamstime.com

82 Comments

  1. LEM

    April 3, 2017 at 3:25 pm

    Wow poster, I can just imagine how stressed you are. Unfortunately you did not see the signs before marriage. I think you need to have a candid conversation with your hubby, that you are not ready to be a full time businesswoman/housewife and you need help with the house chores. That if he does not want a third party(help) then please you would appreciate help from him as well. The help does not necessarily have to live with you, they can come and go either daily or for a specified number of days. Once you have two kids I can assure you that you will need all the help you can get cos it’s not going to be easy at all. Good luck.

    • me

      April 3, 2017 at 5:33 pm

      Good advice LEM except you seem to be blaming her for not seeing it coming before marriage but you can’t know someone until you live with them so let’s stop being hard on ourselves. Poster you are at the stage where you have recognised that your husband is able but not willing to help either by lending a hand or hiring a hand. The next step is to stop excusing it and rationalising by feeling he doesn’t smoke or drink so you shouldn’t press the issue. Kill that source of guilt. What you are asking for is valid and you need to start pitying yourself and really evaluating the impact on you. For you to consider separation your marriage is in hot water forget if he isn’t sleeping around obviously this is a big deal for you. Until you have the confidence to stand up for yourself your husband won’t take you seriously. Your traditional in laws and people telling you to pray without action would only dilute the strength you would need to stand up for yourself so ignore those sources of discouragement. Tell your husband all these things you are telling us. That it has gotten so bad you are considering the worst. Tell him you are happy to do abc but you need him to do xyz. If he doesn’t do it leave it undone. It would be hard to do but your situation has no easy solution. You can do hard things through Christ who gives you inner strength. If you dont you will continue to suffer like this. Find a day for yourself when he too is home and take off early in the morning and don’t come home till late. Your husband and kids won’t die. Take that time to do those things that make you feel alive. Just one day off will make you feel less trapped than you feel now. You need to train him to feel emphathy for you by giving him work experience lol. Good luck

    • Anne

      April 3, 2017 at 9:57 pm

      Yes, a conversation is the first thing to do. It is so easy to take actions and conclude without letting the other person know. I remember when I told a friend about my nanny first but since I learnt to think first on how to present my dissatisfaction and ask God for wisdom, things have changed. Pray for wisdom in your presentation. I am a legal practitioner and one word can make a difference. Right presentation can turn your husband around 360degrees. Secondly, if you don’t need a live in nanny , don’t bother o. I complained so much about house work that my husband got a nanny. Now I have no privacy anymore and need to give explanations for some things I do for the children which was not so. I miss my freedom. Now I need to be extra sensitive about the feelings of another. Maybe if I had not complained as though I wanted to choke my husband and murmured to him that my whole life was tedious, I would have had help in another way. Maybe if I had been more organized and reduced time spent on social media, I would have chosen my own nanny, someone who’ll work 9 to 5 when needed and not a live in and guess what , I have not stopped becoming a mother because I have a nanny o . After husband bathes children, he tells me to fix them breakfast . I still do chores just not as much as before. God help us. Nanny said she knows I can do stuff without her and that I am not lazy. Guess that comment made husband happy.
      I am also closer to God than before. If a woman does not know the Holy Spirit, she will lose. She will live her whole life pleasing a man. Yes make him happy and submit but don’t act as if God has no purpose for your life o. Draw near to God and He will teach you balance.

    • A

      April 4, 2017 at 2:37 am

      You guys really worship these men. If he’s the so called head of the house then why baby them and live for their comfort or approval? Like you doubt yourself and are even happy the employee commends you just to make him happy

    • bolintin

      April 4, 2017 at 10:10 am

      Thanks alot. Even though i do not have the posters kind of problem. I learnt a lot from your inspirational talk. bless your good heart

  2. Ade

    April 3, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    Let me teach you a remedy that my pastor told women during their women’s conference.

    do a 3 day fast, take his pillow, speak into it and prayer all your declarations into the pillow. On the 3rd day, sprinkle anointing oil into it and just wait and see how bobo will change when he sleeps on it.

    • Chinma Eke

      April 3, 2017 at 3:52 pm

      What???????

    • MsA

      April 3, 2017 at 5:05 pm

      Ummm what?
      What’s the difference between doing this and going to see a juju priest? Please, genuine prayer is not magic…it is communing with your Heavenly Father.

    • xx

      April 3, 2017 at 6:41 pm

      I love you.

    • Hian

      April 3, 2017 at 8:55 pm

      Surely you are being sarcastic. I believe in Jesus Christ with all my soul. I also know that He gave us common sense. Pray and talk to him would be WJWD and not this.

    • Blackbeatle

      April 3, 2017 at 10:10 pm

      i think Ade i s being Sarcastic..lol

    • Alterego

      April 4, 2017 at 3:46 am

      Nonsense

  3. Mummy Ade

    April 3, 2017 at 3:31 pm

    My dear just fall (act) sick oh and tell doc u need bedrest, the doctors understand this and will help u before you actually kill yourself! well, Mine was like yours o….u just have to learn to ignore him and divide chores o. thats what i did to Daddy Ade and he even called SIL to help get a domestic staff cos he hated washing plates…so stop being super woman and delegate chores to him and be happy he will soon start searching for a help for you.

  4. Asa

    April 3, 2017 at 3:36 pm

    Mehn I feel your pain o! Last Christmas my sister-in-law was in the same situation. She had no help and was doing everything by herself with two kids. I even noticed that when she was unavailable to carry the baby that was always fretting, my brother would call me and hand over the baby to me o! I kept wondering what she was going through in their house because I don’t live with them. Anyway, all of us joined mouth to talk to her husband, my Mum spoke to him and said, if you don’t want help, you better become the help. Aother brother spoke to him and before I returned to my base I also spoke to him. Although he frowned all through, he frowningly shaa allowed her get a househelp. Last time I visited them, she fixed her nails which tells me that at least she has respite. Do you know that doing all that work yourself can even lead to health issues for you? Exhaustion etc? It is already affecting your sex life sef. You have to tell your husband these things o.

    If he does not want a live-in help, convince him for you people to get helps that come and go on a daily basis or get a cleaner and nanny that come and go. Every woman needs help biko. Another thing you can do which we did to my brother over the Christmas is, sometimes get too busy to mind the children and let them give him a bit of hell. Let him be the one that talks about getting help.

    As for traditional in-laws, my Mum talks all the time about how she raised us with little help and all, but now she realises that this is the future, she is an advocate for help. If your in-laws won’t support you, don’t bother pressing the issue with them.

    • Bunnie

      April 4, 2017 at 10:23 am

      God bless you for helping your S-in-L out. May God put others to stand in the gap for you and yours when you need it… I’m touched cos my in-laws are the opposite!! They bicker and instigate like kilode!! They say, “wetin dey there? No be work wey everybody dey do?” Rather than help and they even add to the work when they’re around.

      God help me.

  5. Mummy Ade

    April 3, 2017 at 3:37 pm

    no answer all those people that will say sit down and talk, mba nuuuuu….just be nice and gracious when dishing out chores, even give him the baby or toddler to put to bed every night, send him on errands like a king don’t be forceful o but ensure that once u delegate u don’t go back to do it. Yow will manage and ignore things till he learns to help out. Men are like kids o…(Daddy Ade not you ) so you have to pamper them and still tell him what to do..that was what saved me o. I was in same predicament for over 6 months o,he was the one that found the maid sef and even begs me not to shout too much at her before she disappear

  6. Honestina

    April 3, 2017 at 3:57 pm

    “There was a day food was burning, and he was right there; I was in the toilet and he didn’t even help me at all! He was just shouting my name that food is burning. After confrontation he said he wasn’t sure I didn’t want it like that, because sometimes I give him burnt food. LIKE WTF!” Hahahahaha. Sorry sister, that got me.
    You sound really stressed but separation is going on an extreme.
    1. Talk to your husband. If possible show him this post you’ve written..
    2. Get a “come and go” type of help and be prepared to pay him/her should your husband refuse to agree. The help can even work only on weekends
    3. Sadly but truly, you can’t ve your life completely like you did as a single. Even if you separate or divorce, you’ve got kids to attend to. I don’t think an unfixed nail takes away your beauty. Learn to compromise on small trivial things that do not alter your true self.

    Do no 1 first and if it goes well, you’ll gain your sanity back and every other issue including your gram-life will fall in place. May God be with you.

  7. john

    April 3, 2017 at 4:01 pm

    Divorce the poor guy..your blocking another woman’s chance.. a woman who will happily do all this and more … u guys are not compatible ..simple…ure not happy and I bet he is not happy..u are already comparing him to another person husband on social media ..smh, that’s is how affair starts… pls ,Divorce the poor dude

    • Anon

      April 3, 2017 at 4:08 pm

      John no one would happily do this and more. Would you? This is a lot of work. And the woman is a human being too who spent years in formal education. A woman who has dreams and would like time for herself. As she is now she won’t even have time to pray. Time to interact with her friends, time to read novels and inspirational books, time to fully interact with her children because there’s always so much work at home. Women are human beings too, no matter how they try to socialise us we still feel pain at doing too much work, pain when husbands cheat etc. Oh well, I believe feminists should sit this one out. Please don’t comment before they say we’re single witches. Let the conservative minded ones keep prescribing fasting and endurance for you. Not even sure how you can fast or have time to watch the famous war room when you have so much work on your hands *shrugs*

    • john

      April 3, 2017 at 7:19 pm

      @anon John no one would happily do this and more…….I dont need to go far..I bet u majority of the women dishing out advice and forming keyboard warrior right here on BN will jump on the opportunity to replace her if given the chance..u wanna bet?

    • Atoba

      April 3, 2017 at 4:26 pm

      Unbelievable. She’s looking for help on how to make it work ,how did you miss that?
      Dear poster, I’m happy you and your husband started out as friends. I assume based on that,you know how to get him to listen- especially on an emotional level. Talk to him, make him see sense with you. Let him know that when you get some sort of help it will aid in bringing you both even closer. Reason with him, you ladies know how to get us to do things you want us to with us thinking it was all our idea. Make him feel that way, you got this!

  8. Deedee

    April 3, 2017 at 4:06 pm

    Please my boo feels it’s a woman’s job to cook, except she’s ill or something. Is that enough reason to leave him? Cos things like this scare the sh*t outta me

    • le coco

      April 3, 2017 at 4:36 pm

      If its a big deal for you.. then it is definitely enough reason to end it. It’s never just cooking . He is clearly very traditional minded.. Nd if u r more open minded then u shld leave.. its a recipe for disaster

    • MsA

      April 3, 2017 at 5:23 pm

      Lol…
      If you like to cook…then fine. If you hate to cook or expect the cooking responsibility to be shared…my darling, move on!
      Little things like this one lead to huge problems.

  9. Dt

    April 3, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    Girl, you need to speak up (1) try and talk to him of how stressful things are and how tired you are that you can’t even though other things he likes (2) keep on subtly reminding him you need help e.g. wash up your plate and that of the kids after eating. And when he finishes tell him “wash yours now you see that sink is clean” (3) this should be followed by other actions e.g. if he hates the toilet dirty leave it dirty and when he complains tell him you are so tired. If he insists leave the kid with him ( time it whwn the kid is hungry, needs changing and generally clingy) and cllean it – take your time doing it and dont make it perfect.

    I hope you get the gist. Goodluck and i hope things change soon. I know how it feels

  10. Belgian

    April 3, 2017 at 4:18 pm

    older women that went through this had literally no time for themselves, people praised them and use them to insult us. But their husbands cheated and said it was because they weren’t funky. People sympathised with the husbands too. (Any man can cheat on his hot wife o just giving an excuse). The proverbs 31 woman didn’t she have workers? She did. Your husband is being selfish and controlling, and it beats me how so many women marry men they are afraid of, men they can’t even confront. But these same men are out here with sidechics that will rub their head and hiss when there vexed. Nigeria is collectively traditional, yes. But you make your own world for yourself. Clarion Chukwura has been married how many times? Joke silva refused to take her last name and doesn’t cook? How many market women left their rubbish husbands and trained their children themselves. Not telling you to leave your husband, just making an example. I think you should sternly take it up and not take no for an answer. If his comfort comes before your wellbeing, then I’d consider a separation because that is not love. You make your own reality in Nigeria. Most men will dish out what they know you will tolerate, and that’s the truth. He did everything he did to see your limit, he sees you have none, and he’ll keep pushing till one day he detests you for it.

    • Idomagirl

      April 3, 2017 at 11:04 pm

      GBAM!!!!!!!
      Chop kiss Belgian!
      They will push you and push you till you snap.
      Then they’ll blame you for snapping.

    • Manny

      April 4, 2017 at 12:25 am

      [Most men will dish out what they know you will tolerate, and that’s the truth.]
      This is the sum of the whole matter.

  11. Mummy Ade

    April 3, 2017 at 4:38 pm

    Ha so BN swallows comments? weh don!!!! i hail use this as appetizer

  12. Strong Girl

    April 3, 2017 at 4:42 pm

    Dear writer,
    I perfectly understand where you are. I am presently going thru the same thing. My story is for another day. I do not only do all the chores, I also feed him with my money. The annoying thing is his mother who lives with complained to our neighbour that i don’t know how to be a housewife. With two kids below five and an 8 to 5 job how much of a housewife do you want me to be. From my experience, i have decided to turn a deaf ear to their complaints, put in all the efforts i can gather to take good care of my kids and decided to have no more kids. You are the only one who can best devise a method that works for you. All the best.

  13. Manny

    April 3, 2017 at 4:56 pm

    My husband fears God – Nah, he does not.
    My people will say alatise lo n matise ara e.
    First of all, you must absolutely refuse to quit your job.
    Since you can’t get across to your husband, you will have to help yourself
    You will have to sit down and find out the chores that mostly consume your time. Then outsource those chores, possibly without telling him. If he finds out, good. Tell him you cannot kill yourself. Sometimes, you have to show such men that you have a mind of your own.
    If you have to buy food outside and re-dish at home, please do so.

    • Californiabawlar

      April 3, 2017 at 5:37 pm

      Gbam! No time for ejo wewe.

    • me

      April 3, 2017 at 5:45 pm

      Yes this husband you described wants your existence on his terms and wants the life of a whole human being to be lived to suit his interests. That’s not the fear of God. The fear of God is so unto others what you want them to do unto you. It is the sum of the law. When he experiences what he is putting you through by you not doing it all, then he will fear God.

    • Weezy

      April 3, 2017 at 7:37 pm

      I agree with Manny. Sometimes, we women have to take matters into our own hands. First, keep your job. Second, start saving money carefully in an account that he doesn’t know about. Third, no more kids.

    • Lala

      April 4, 2017 at 5:14 am

      ☝☝☝ Poster, this right here is your solution. Help yourself first. If it still doesn’t work better tell that man you need a straight answer as to who will be taking care of your kids when he buries you. Cause that’s what he’s doing, slowly but surely.

  14. Mrs A

    April 3, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    I can so relate to this, as 4john me I don’t have anything to say to you sha. @poster i’ve been married for over 2years, and this was exactly my life and for those who do house chores you know it never ends honestly. My husband won’t even take out thrash, he would eat banana for example and won’t even thrash the peel. I had to sit him down and remind him how he knows before we married there’s always atleast 2maids in my mother’s house and as it is I might just collapse one day cos honestly I hated house chores before now, currently I have a one year old and am pregnant and we finally have a cleaning lady who comes in twice weekly.

  15. MsA

    April 3, 2017 at 5:20 pm

    Dear Poster,

    Firstly, there’s power in prayer. Talk with God about this – He is able to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with your weaknesses and infirmities. He can give you the strength you need to deal with all the chores and still live a happy and joyful life.

    Secondly, try and go out to lunch/dinner with the hubby and express yourself to him, tell him you genuinely need help as you can’t keep going this way. However, don’t pick a fight, keep doing all you can. Do not quit your job, you might just end up a depressed housewife with manic thoughts.

    Thirdly, my darling, if you breakdown from overworking yourself, the chores will still be undone, your hubby will either fix himself a meal or eat out, the kids will be fine as well. So please as much as you can, take sometime for yourself…even if it’s just an hour every week.

    I’m sure you’ll get very good advice on here, but apply wisdom in all you do. You’re the one married to your husband, you know his trigger points and his soft spots.

    You’ll be alright!

  16. Chief

    April 3, 2017 at 5:27 pm

    These Women are getting too bold now? Sad!! Is it me or women are no longer women anymore?Back in the day,knowing how to keep a clean house pretty much made you a wife.Women of today are nothing like women of back in the day who were taught to run houses and perform chores.Events in history have revolutionised the paradigms and women now do not really believe in serving us.They are now running the race with us to be independent.There are some things that are done best when a woman does it for her man with grace and obligation like cooking,cleaning,nurturing a child etc which are basic feminine life skills.

    I noticed with many changes in last few years,modernity/feminism has brought in our African traditions and customs,a major change in the duties of a woman which is very bad for our society.,it’s not certain who changed the course of duties whether it was the gynocentric society or modernity/feminism.Women of today don’t know how to respect us.There’s nothing wrong with embracing our African gender roles.Women should choose to do these domestic feminine chores especially cooking which is a basic skill women should have.We are not expecting professional chef stuff,you don’t need to be Sisi Yemi but being able to throw together a handful of meals is expected.

    It’s a pity that Western culture has destroyed the African traditional gender role to this level.Honouring your man is graceful and serving him is the good deed to which he will pay you back.BTW i’m not in support of a woman being a housewife but she should not be career mind and over ambitious.Please if you can’t be submissive to your man and do the domestic chores,don’t get married.Marriage is not by force..Marriage is not about love,it’s business we invested.We are serious when dealing with our clients.Women should do these gender roles from our African cultural point of view. African customary law stipulates that women are subject to the rules of their men and must abide by them.An African man still holds dear his values,cultures and traditions.

    • me

      April 3, 2017 at 5:41 pm

      You just summed it up – women are there to serve “us”. Actually marriage is both ways. You also serve and are served but don’t mind me o, just carryon with your value system, the resistance you will get will make you re-evaluate your beliefs. Happy difficult and loveless marriage ahead

    • TeeS

      April 3, 2017 at 5:56 pm

      Basic Feminine Life skills? Ori e Gbale!!!!

    • aunty

      April 3, 2017 at 6:08 pm

      She is doing chores, caring for child & husband practically by herself, and managing a full time job. It wouldn’t hurt for the husband, who is managing a full time job to help out. Marriage is a partnership; one part oils the other and vice versa. He needs to start helping his wife out at home so that they can be a better functioning body.

      Dear Writer, I am sorry that you have to go through this and that you feel this way. I know you have tried what you know to do, but remember that you have equal stakes in your home as your husband. You can stand your ground respectfully; don’t be timid! You are strong. You don’t have to yell or raise fire, just tell him your concerns confidently and with tact. Tell him how you would like him to help you.
      Your husband fears God right? Give him the word of God to encourage him to act like Godly man. Galatians 6:2 – “carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ”
      Remind him that you have to help each other; work TOGETHER to make your marriage work and to give glory to your God.
      Like others have said, please do not quit work. You need to be able to stand and hold your family up should the need arise.
      I wish you the very best and pray that your husband will have empathy and understand your perspective, and work with you to achieve a balance.

    • MsA

      April 3, 2017 at 6:08 pm

      Ehen????
      I don’t even know where to start…all I can say is thank God I am not married to a chauvinist like you! and yes I cook for my husband and submit to him…but no I am not his slave I am his partner, a help suitable for him.

    • Chief

      April 3, 2017 at 7:23 pm

      @MsA

      I never said that.Where did i say that a woman should be a slave to her man? but how can you not cook? It’s gender based skill.If men and women move from the roles that God has placed them in, then we will end up with a society that is chaotic.Imagine what would happen when we walk if both legs decided to go forward at the same time? clearly there would be no movement.That’s not to say men should never help out or be kind to their women.Gender roles are even laid out in the bible,it is essential that we have these roles.It exists because of evolution and are not created by society.It’s imperative that a woman should do domestic chores.

      TO THE WRITER

      We are Africans,you must respect the traditional values of African culture.You must respect our African gender roles.Do not emasculate him probably because you live abroad.A man can’t survive without being respected.It’s important that a good woman should learn to give her man unconditional respect.Please don’t let feminism/western cultures screw your mind,corrupt your wonderful marriage into a disgusting perverted equal partnership.Do not reinterpret your beliefs as a woman.You are his help meet and under his loving authority.The basic role of him being the head of the household gives him that control.Look at the results of the new way of doing things,the divorce rate is through the roof. Women of today don’t know how to respect their men.I’m not saying you should be a slave no way.

    • Husbandsloveyourwives

      April 3, 2017 at 6:26 pm

      I was waiting for this type of comment to surface and you didn’t fail to disappoint.
      Like someone mentioned you believe a wife is created to serve you (and not the other way around). Only a slave is created to do that and perhaps you would do well finding one as you leave the non-slaves alone when looking for a partner.
      I don’t know what your religious stance is but as a Christian, men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and GAVE himself for her. I don’t know about you but that sounds like pretty big shoes to fill. Yet we only hear the latter part of that verse as though the first did not exist. We hear ever so often the oppressive tone of some men beating women into submission. You would think them LOVING their wife was not mandated to them. and loving isn’t always buying her material things. You should love her how she wants and needs to be loved and not how you want to love her or what’s convenient for you. Oppression is not love and seeing your wife suffering and refusing to help is definitely not love. I have seen what biblical submission looks like both ways and it is the most beautiful thing and I cannot wait to submit to a man who is submitted to God and loves me as Christ loved the church. Otherwise I am happy in my singlehood serving a God who loves me and doesn’t oppress me.
      Finally in the recent novel dear ijeawele,
      ‘ remember in primary school we learned that a verb was a ‘doing’ word? Well father is as much a verb as mother’

    • Zsa Zsa

      April 3, 2017 at 7:52 pm

      Hahahhahahaaaaaa!!!
      You are hilarious!!
      In the midst of your epistle you conveniently over looked the part where she says she is just plain TIRED. Abi women of “back in the days” were not tired too? African men don’t recognize tiredness? Is kindness and empathy not an African trait again? Oh right, it dies after marriage. Plus “women are to serve us”, plus “marriage is a business we invested” hahahaaa!! Oh and “women should not be career minded and ambitious”. Pls don’t kill me with laugh.

    • Amaka

      April 3, 2017 at 10:05 pm

      Jacob cooked in the Bible. His food made Esau lose his birthright. Better know how to cook for yourself too as a man. Don’t kill your wife. One day, you will wake up and not find her. Then when you announce, you’ll discover she has gone with oyinbo. Keep your treasure. Good women are hard to find.

    • Msghandi

      April 3, 2017 at 10:07 pm

      When you finally decide to marry ur type of woman, pls kill her with housechores…women of those days don’t keep 8/9 to 5/6 jobs, in fact it’s the men that works. And if u have a wife at home, pls take up her duty for a day, that is after u come back tired from the day’s work at 7pm, hurry to d kitchen to cook, tidy d kitchen, take care of d kids,hlp with their assignments ND all, then lets see if u’ll still av any stenght left in u for bed activities…women are not slaves!

    • Grace

      April 3, 2017 at 11:56 pm

      @Chief. Tell me you are joking and just trying to annoy Bella community. Your statement is not true Abi, you just want to see replies to your comment. Finally, tell me you are 100years old and you live in the village. I have a wife for you. @real Nigerian is her name.

    • Tee

      April 4, 2017 at 1:27 am

      @Grace. Lol! I can just imagine A Real Nigerian and Chief together. Some very serious chaos! Plus, this Chief, i’ve got only these words for you, You are psychotic! You truly need psycho-therapy. And I kid you not. This is not me being abusive, it’s me stating the fact.
      Please, Poster, if you’re reading this, pay him no heed.

    • Chief

      April 4, 2017 at 7:31 am

      @Grace

      Trying to annoy Bella community? for what? I’m a” RED PILL” man.God knows i’m practice what i preach at home as a “REAL ALPHA MAN”please if you have a problem with my comment,kindly move along.My comment is not for you rather for beta males and simps..I’m here to make wimpy men vomits that blue pill. and swallow red pill.

    • Chief

      April 4, 2017 at 7:32 am

      @Grace

      Trying to annoy Bella community? for what? I’m a” RED PILL” man.God knows i practice what i preach at home as a “REAL ALPHA MAN”please if you have a problem with my comment,kindly move along.My comment is not for you rather for beta males and simps..I’m here to make wimpy men vomits that blue pill. and swallow red pill.

    • Alterego

      April 4, 2017 at 3:55 am

      God punish you.

    • Susu

      April 4, 2017 at 7:34 am

      You, chief, are a fool.

  17. Meah

    April 3, 2017 at 5:33 pm

    I was in your shoes 4 years ago
    Thanks to my mama
    She talked to him,he saw reasons and I got a maid that works from 8 to 5pm

  18. Ajala & Foodie

    April 3, 2017 at 5:59 pm

    Dear stressed out wife,

    Let me start out by saying that that your husband does not drink or cheat on you does not make your problem any less important.

    Don’t just frown!!! You claim your hubby “fears” God, then it is time for you to prayerfully talk to him. Yes, pray but then get up and talk to him, because God will not come down and do what you need to do for yourself. Let me him know you are not only unhappy but you are beginning to become resentful towards him. You can then discuss the idea of bringing in day help, i.e someone that can help clean during the day but goes home so you don’t have to do all that yourself. Suggest going out to eat, you don’t have to wait for him to suggest that and feel free to drop the check at his feet (and you can chip in too sometimes). You can have someone cook a variety of soups and stew either on a weekly or monthly basis and freeze them, Get a laundry person to come do your laundry i.e if you don’t have washer and dryer. or ask for a washer and dryer and have him help you with folding.

    More importantly, take care of yourself!!! Regardless of what he says or does, DO NOT NEGLECT YOURSELF!!! Not only will that breed resentment and bitterness towards your hubby but it will definitely affect your kids too. To give your best, you have to be at your best. Whether it is chasing that career or just your day to day upkeep.

    I will end on this note: I have written about how my mum hustled and became successful but the truth is when my parents initially got married my mum subscribe to that old school mentality and my dad was more than happy to sit on his behind. When my mum woke up and started to chase her dream she got a push back from my dad but my mum was not having any of that. Despite my dad’s push back she went ahead and got HELPS (she had to pay them from her own pocket) . She was able to accomplish all she did (more than my dad) because she knew her dreams was just as important as his.

  19. Vee

    April 3, 2017 at 6:13 pm

    This is one of the reason I claim to be lazy at the start of any relationship….so far it’s been working

    • Idomagirl

      April 3, 2017 at 11:06 pm

      ???

  20. Donald-Landon-24(formerly known as Donald-Landon before someone purloined it)

    April 3, 2017 at 6:17 pm

    In the words of Todd Chrisley – “Anytime you are with someone (male or female) in a car, in a room, relationship or marriage and the person makes you feel less than you should or the person stops you from attaining the heights you are destined to then you need to get out of the car”. I have never understood the thought process or concept: that raising children and doing chores are duties specifically for women. I am very strong believer in partnership when it comes to marriage. Kim Jong-in tyranny style just doesn’t cut it for me. My wife and I need to be looking smoking hot. It shouldn’t be one person looking hot and the other looking haggard. I have two daughters and my wife and I have never had the cause to hire a nanny. We do everything together. I am very wary about nannies. Your sperm formed that child so it’s equally his duty to raise the children. There are way too many children of African descent or that live in the continent yearning for their fathers. It’s disturbing.
    I have four sisters and two daughters. If I had to give any of them advice on a similar situation:
    1. I will solely take them out of such shitty situation and get the person the help they need. You don’t want to be that lady who is 40 and looks 70. By the way high blood pressure is very prevalent in Nigerian women. Stress is one of the many causing factors. Your children need you ale and hearty not on Lisinopril combined with hctz.
    2. Don’t you dare quit your job for anyone. Don’t stop trying to attain great things. You do so at your own detriment. – I know a Nigerian lady that went from working at Exxon Mobil to begging her husband for money to buy sanitary pad and underwear. Yes you read that right. Her husband forced her to quit her job. Trust me that is not the life you want.

    • Femfem

      April 11, 2017 at 10:35 pm

      I am on hbp medication at 37. I looks after my 2 kids alone. God help me

  21. ine

    April 3, 2017 at 6:17 pm

    After work on friday, act like you are exhausted and pass out ( fake). take a long weekend break and act like u can’t even stand up from the bed. let him take care of everything ( make sure there is no food in the house too) he needs to do grocery shopping and do some cooking, clean up and take care of the baby. what am i saying? give him a glimpse of your everyday life. maybe he needs to walk in your shoes to get the wake up call.

  22. mrs chidukane

    April 3, 2017 at 6:26 pm

    I have a helpful husband and people living with me yet the chores never end! Please listen to mannie and ajala. Outsource some things. If your parents live in the same town with you, go to their house under the pretext of running errands and sleep for some hours, it helps. To think you’re doing all this while pregnant! Some husbands are very insensitive. He should know the golden rule since he fears God so much.

  23. John Matilda

    April 3, 2017 at 7:15 pm

    He might fear God but he doesn’t genuinely love God coz if he does my dear you wouldn’t be writing this sad epistle. I don’t why men who claim to love and cherish a woman for the rest of her life watch her go through all these while pregnant and not do anything. Your husband is not only insensitive but selfish,you need to take actions by your self, tell him how you feel, divide the chores and stand by your decision, if he truly loves you he will come around

  24. Frida

    April 3, 2017 at 7:18 pm

    Wow! Your husband is selfish.

  25. olanna&odenigbo

    April 3, 2017 at 7:19 pm

    I guess I am most shocked by how young men just choose to play blind and ignorant to your consistent suffering, but more so why it is so widely tolerated, You know….you have positioned yourself as superwoman and now have to play up to it…. You said you don’t know how you both got here… is that really true?…. Traits of ‘control and wickedness don’t always manifest the same way all the time… so if you saw traits pointing to senseless rigidity while dating and you didn’t address it and plan how to make it work,…well here we are now. If you had shown signs of letting his house burn from that burning food in the kitchen, he will know to go turn off the cooker…

    As for what to do- Listen to Manny above .this is what many fail to realise we can do!. You are an adult, and its time to start standing up for yourself…I don’t even mean that from a place of anger, but I just believe it is foolishness to be expecting solution from somebody that doesn’t understand the gravity of your problems, so rather than waste time being angry with him and fuming and all what not, think of how to help yourself…. By all means pray well and have several conversations about all available options of resolving these issues…..but whatever you do, ensure YOU GET THE HELP THAT YOU NEED O, secretly if you have to. Men don’t have to deal with 1/3 the hormonal issues and resultant effects women are exposed to….so when it comes to how to protect your health/sanity, my dear, you cannot be waiting for his understanding….save your long term health by getting help NOW! Many women hit 40s-50s, looking 60/70 and battling several ailments, mostly due to stress….and this is more common with women who are married + mothers….To raise kids and keep a house and work, no be beans. If he is forming oblivious to your suffering after giving you the daft speech like awon Chief will do…..please get help while you keep praying and working towards a better resolution. I am just thinking round my extended family and from my mum to all her sisters, I don’t remember seeing one without help, in my childhood days….it is common sense to someone like me so naturally I cant fit with someone who has a problem with it..

    Men will be forming I cant eat anyone’s food but my wife’s, yet you can eat any coochie out there without your wife’s permission- selfishness at its height….please woman…get real with yourself and HELP YOURSELF! While it is good to be grateful that he doesn’t drink and smoke, remember that if he drank the whole world and smoked everything in it, he alone will die from the liver issues and such….so he didn’t make that choice for your benefit. …..but it is you that will die from long term unchecked stress.

    • Mama

      April 3, 2017 at 11:14 pm

      Can I hug you? Seriously, so much sense in your comment. How can a person claim to love God and be this insensitive?

    • funmilola

      April 3, 2017 at 11:17 pm

      Father Lord, help me not to ignore the signs of a selfish man who claims to fear God, men who wants to be served, pampered, fed and the likes and can’t do all that in return, men who can’t enter the kitchen because their tradition forbids them…..
      this poster’s situation reminds me of the movie “Mr and Mrs”, dear poster read Manny’s comment and act fast too.

  26. Xoxo

    April 3, 2017 at 7:55 pm

    What are the chores you speak of? Because nothing needs to be done on a daily basis.
    1. Designate a play area for your son. Only that area! And teach him to pick up his toys after himself, or 30 years from now, your daughter in law is going to be sending in this same email!
    2. How about prepping and making all your meals for the week on Saturday or Sunday? I’m assuming you have a microwave or stove to heat things up!
    3. Get in the habit of cleaning up yourself immediately. If you use the work counter, wipe it down? Wipe down the fridge every night.
    4. Vacuuming isn’t something needs to be done daily. 2 times a week is sufficient. Depending on the room, once a week is just fine.
    5. The only thing I see being done daily is mopping the floor, and unless you live in a mega mansion with a chef’s kitchen, that isn’t more than a 5-10 mins job.
    6. You didn’t mention washing and ironing, but I’m assuming you have a washing machine, so the tough part is eliminated. Ironing is a bore, so hire someone for that. He/she can come in when hubby is gone, and have the security guard monitor them if possible.
    7. As for your hubby’s unexpected friends, I suggest stocking up on some hot&spicy wings, French fries, pizza, sausages etc. When they show up, but them in the oven and serve. It’s not everyday people should be eating Eba or whatever you’ll eat.

  27. tola

    April 3, 2017 at 10:09 pm

    Don’t he go to work.

  28. Blackbeatle

    April 3, 2017 at 10:22 pm

    na wa,,BN marriage counsellors …una doh..my eyes hurt

  29. msSunshine

    April 3, 2017 at 11:46 pm

    Dear Poster,
    first of all i would like to give you a hug! You and going through a lot and you are still going strong, despite having an insensitive partner who lacks empathy. Sadly, this seems to me that your husband is a severe Narcissist, although i am not a psychologist and cannot 100% be sure that he is one. Narcissim is more than a character trait and is a mental disorder that a large population of people suffer from. Many Nigerians have no idea what this is and I was also oblivious to this issue until i wasted 5 years of my life with a Narc that left me feeling crazy, depressed and a shadow of myself. I went to the internet looking for answers as well and i got a lot of information from online help groups and youtube channels of women that have been through narcissistic abuse. I will not tell you what to do but i would like you to start looking up information that can help you understand the situation you are in and the person you are with and then you make a decision on whats best for you based on the information you have gotten. I am sure there may be many other things he does that you did not include in this post and you have tried to rationalize and explain away to yourself. You can check out the following youtube channels that have helped me in my journey and helped me understand people that have these character issues: Thrive after abuse, anabelle lee, inner integration. If you need to talk to someone you can reply my comment with an anonymous email address and i will hit you right back. I hope you find peace and understanding.

  30. Mo

    April 4, 2017 at 12:17 am

    Kill yourself and watch him marry another lady before your burial. Ala tise Lon matise ara e.

    • A

      April 4, 2017 at 2:41 am

      Lol please can someone translate ?

  31. Alterego

    April 4, 2017 at 4:10 am

    I’m a single girl, yet I drown sometimes in chores. I refused to get a washing machine bcoz it meant I would have to operate one more gadget or even iron my clothes myself. Which is why I’m the number one customer at any Laundromat within a yard radius. Once I’m married, I’m getting a help. Not a live-in. Once the kid or kids come, definitely a live in. I’m as lazy AF. I don’t hide it. While I’m a baddie bish in the kitchen, I only wash my underwear. My house is sparkly clean because I pay someone to clean it three times a week. Some days I drink cereal for dinner, some days I whip up a mean ofe nsala. An ex begged me to come prepare one of my wicked meals. When I arrived, his kitchen was a mess. Bobo begged me to clean it. I laughed till I fell down. When I have not cleaned my own kitchen in years. How can I clean your own. He cleaned his kitchen before I stepped a foot in it. After cooking, I cleaned up. I am not understanding. It’s not an ego thing. I have not washed my clothes, how can I wash your own? shebi God or is it the Bible said love your neighbors as you love yourself?

    • cyn

      April 4, 2017 at 10:00 am

      loooooooooooooool. Could have sworn you are my sister, but she has a washing machine. lol

    • Magz

      April 4, 2017 at 12:50 pm

      I could have sworn i wrote this. I swear, this is me.
      Apart from cooking, i’m totally lazy with other chores & i tell guys i’m talking to, so they can manage their expectations.
      The dirty kitchen thing; i went to a guy’s house, he asked that i cook & the kitchen was dirty, i just turned back & left. I cannot kill myself biko

    • Alterego

      April 4, 2017 at 7:08 pm

      My sister. Just came back from work, sick with exhaustion and mild malaria. I just tumbled into bed and the darkness of my bedroom, switchin on the AC. A lot of ladies want to keep up appearances or buy 100000 yards of wife material. As for me, I’m going to be honest. There are days I’m at the crack of dawn, washing my bathroom like a woman possessed. The thing is, I possess the skill. It is good to be knowledgeable about cooking, servicing a car, swimming, basic electrical trouble-shooting, driving and so on. Dear poster, don’t just kill yourself. Love yourself a little. Or in my case, a lot. Peace out.
      *orders pizza*

  32. Abeke

    April 4, 2017 at 4:13 am

    I was in a similar situation… My solutions are I asked myself why I’m exhausted and how to make it better for ME. 1. Get a dry cleaner to do all the clothing including ironing 2. Get cook to come and do the cooking daily 12-7pm (so my children will be served lunch and dinner) my husband do the breakfast if he want and I served him dinner 3. Hire a house keeper to clean the house 4. Also, I have full-time driver because of grocery and children school… Now, I am happy and I do exercise in my bedroom and my husband have no idea how many people I hired. Did I say he pay for them without realizing it? Though I don’t save as much as I do because there is no reason for divorce or separation again.. happy wife happy husband and happy children… just last month my husband said I look fix and tight…..can you imagine?

  33. yummymummycumchick

    April 4, 2017 at 1:57 pm

    @ CHIEF … U R A JOKER mahn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! m sure u r not real.. i really need @ a real nigerian comment to u right now. and dt @natu girl @califobrawl

  34. Rere

    April 4, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    My dear, It has worked miracles for me.

  35. Kike

    April 4, 2017 at 4:11 pm

    Hi writer, am a mom with 3 kids and one on the way. I don’t have a house help so I understand u completely. Househelps can be a handful sometimes and u really need God’s guidance in finding a good one dt will not give u a name dt is not urs or turn u to someone u are not. I strongly believe that a married woman should be able to cook for her husband and kids cos our kids will remember our cooking when they grow up. We should also be able to keep our homes clean whether we do it ourselves or get someone else to do it for us.
    I love to clean, cook and keep my home infact I find pleasure doing it for my family but sometimes I feel overwhelmed too. My hubby used to be like that not wanting to help at all but we had a talk about it and now he helps whenever he can. I have friends abroad with four and some five kids with no househelp and they also work and still manage their homes. I don’t believe a woman should slave and die cos of house chores. But if you manage ur chores, you will be able to do the things you like without feeling overwhelmed. My friends abroad have washing machines, dish washers, vacuum cleaners and I requested for those too which gives me time for my family. I know light is our challenge in this country but whenever Nepa gives light, I use them or wait till our big gen comes on. No one here can advise you better cos we don’t live with you. we all have different marital and family values. You should be able to run ur home the way you can cos you are the eye of ur family. Before you break down, think about you kids. Divorce or leaving is not an option in ur case becos these are things you can change as the woman of the house and as his helper.

  36. lat

    April 5, 2017 at 9:55 am

    Rethinking o….this my boyfriend (fiance) has stopped cooking recently saying he’s lazy these days because we are about to get married. I think I should be worried, not that i mind cooking though

  37. shesback

    April 13, 2017 at 3:02 pm

    Reading chief’s comment just makes me sad. To think there’s a woman out there thinking she has found husband in him. she wont know that her suffering has just started.

    it is well.

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