The Best Thing I Never Had
Posted on Thursday, August 11th, 2011 at 11:37 AMBy Glory Edozien
We’ve all heard it happen a million times. You’re dating a guy, weaving your life around his, day dreaming about the life, home and children you’ll both share, when suddenly from nowhere, he pulls the rug from underneath your feet, leaving you and your dreams a tumbled mess on the floor. How many times have I had to console friends whose boyfriends broke up with them and were engaged 3 months later? How many times have I had to hold the hand of a broken friend as she wailed over the loss of another broken relationship? How many times have I had to put my heart back together again after another guy smashed it into pieces? Much more than I’d like to remember. Truth is, men and women alike have all suffered from various versions of emotional trauma, yet for some inexplicable reason we put our feet forward, hoping that the next relationship would be better than the last.
I have done some soul searching. And I have come to the truthful conclusion that I would be a miserable wreck if I had married anyone of my exes. This isn’t a form of self consolation, rather it’s me finally admitting to myself what I knew when I was in those relationships. For instance, I knew that my ex was more concerned about his parents’ views than the growth of our relationship, yet I stayed. I also knew that another of my exes was more interested in turning me into his ‘mother’ than accepting me for who I was. I also knew that the darting eyes of another ex was a symptom of something more sinister, but yet again I ignored all this, and pretended that I could somehow ‘manage’ the situation into ‘marital bliss’. So when all these relationships ended, I really should have counted myself lucky but we live in a twisted world. One which somehow values the unhappily married woman over the single fulfilled one. Go figure.
Today, I had a rather tearful call from a friend who has just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years. I know she will be reading this, thinking “Glory, how can you put my business out there?”, but I will share with you all what I told her regardless. “You are a million times better without him”. I wasn’t saying this because I wanted her to feel better, I said it because it was the truth. Sure, in front of everyone, they seemed like the happy couple but to people like me, who knew the innings of the relationship, I was altogether glad that the charade of a relationship had come to an end. Like I said to her, he did her a big favour by ending things, because he was completely undeserving of her. Right now, it may be hard for anyone in a similar situation to see through all the hurt, but as someone who has come out of similar situations trust me when I say this- your life will be so much better without him (or her).
I remember the last time I called my dad, crying over an ex. He told me that although he understood why I was upset, he thought I was smart enough to see that any man who could put me under this amount of stress would do much worse later. “Glory, a man who really loves you would rather walk over hot coals than see you cry over something he could have avoided. He would do everything and anything to make you happy and would always remain proud that he can make you happy. I am not telling you this because I am your father, I am telling you this because I am a man and that is how any man that has been brought up well thinks. Forget this boy!”
This statement has become my litmus test for all relationships. So you can understand why it upsets me when I see wonderful women crying, beating themselves up over failed relationships with men who never appreciated their true value to begin with. Why we women cannot see (or rather admit to ourselves) when we know for a fact that we deserve better is something I am yet to understand. Why are we willing to stay back and take the beating, abuse, cheating, tears and every form of unhappiness?
I agree that these things are easier said than done, but sometimes, all we need is a bit of self confidence and self development to see our real worth. Other times, we might just meet someone else who treats us like we ought to be treated. So instead of sitting down and moaning over your exes who are married, realize that he or she may have actually done you a favour, leaving you free to meet someone truly deserving of the amazing man or woman you are.
Photo Credit: www.dawnali.com
Tags: Glory Edozien
TRUTH!!!
preach on sister!
As usual, Glory, well said. Well said indeed. Your dad’s advice also resonated within me. It’s true, a man who really loves you will do everything in his power not to make you cry and his pride will be in keeping his woman happy…
Well said and on point. Brilliant article
This piece is a sprinkle or droplets of tiny healing medicine.
God bless you for this Ms Edozien!!!!!!
i like dis…mwah
So true….There’s always a better man out dere all u nid is God.
Easier said than done but at the end of the day, it’s TRUTH and is the only way you can ever move on!!!
like it! your dad’s advice; spot on.
Dis is just d truth n I hp women out there will knw their worth n stop brooding over a man who sure doesn’t deserve them,am a living example,I patched my marriage and pple outside thot it was perfect bt dear it was nuffin near dat,I initially thot of what pple will say bt I later realised I have to be alive to stay married and y should I put pple who don’t even knw I exist first in my life,I took a bold step n walked out ,my dear am d better today.
Beautiful piece. Every sentence is an iota of truth n der can’t be a better advice given 2 a daughter.
As much as I agree with you Glory about how any guy that leaves you is probably undeserving of you anyway, I think it is important to educate ourselves as ladies to be worth something in order to ‘earn’ having such a fantastic man that would nurture and care for us and our kids all the days of our lives. Now let me expatiate.
These are some questions I ask myself: How much value do you have as a lady? Are you a nag? Are you someone who becomes a charity case as soon as you start dating a man forgetting what endeared him to you in the first place? Do you let yourself go or do you try to look ‘on point’? Are you an ‘independent woman’ forgetting that that same Beyonce who preaches all manners of woman emancipation is happily married (as far as we can tell)? Are you submissive or must your will always be done? Are you trustworthy?
Do you nurture your relationship with overdose of prayers or you ‘let things be’? Do you seek godly counsel? Do you build up your man with encouragement and praise when he gets it right or do you only notice the bad stuff he does? Do you build yourself up in order to be able to attract that man who can never bear to see you weep?
Well, as I type, I actually ask MYSELF these questions first. It is important to also seek to grow. Inasmuch as those exes of ours are probably first class losers, there is a possibility that we also have some growing up to do and some lesson to learn in order to attract and maintain the ‘perfect’ guy.
http://temiville.wordpress.com/
totally agree with you. Some ladies have actually lost it>
Temi
I am a guy and absolutely agree with everything that you said especially the question and the prayer bit.
On the other thought lets ask ourselves this question does it mean that because I LOVE you i should not make you cry? remember am only Human and that does not mean I dont Love so what are we talking about please someone help me. May be Temi
i luv dis….it relly got to me…tanks Temi.
THANK U…. I REST MY CASE…
Women have their own issues as well as men. God help us..
Temi you are so right! You took the words out of my mouth. Most women are quick to say “his loss not mine” when actually it’s theirs. Women must make sure they are worthy of a good man. My father says as a woman make sure you’re a good wife material and any man that dates you would place a premium on you, and as the relationship grows, the premium increases. Yes, some men are terrible, but make sure that you are a good woman! Your comment made me run to see your blog! Nice one Temi.
love ur piece Temi….sadly ladies esp learn to do those things u listed above wen many a guy have walked out on them…we keep telling ourselves ” I am still young abeg”..but then xter and virtue are priceless….same goes to guys who play around even with good girls but even they can get someone good to settle with but ladies usually are the ones that have it bad end mostly cos we cant particularly propose to a good man this side of the earth….in all thy getting…get wisdom…heartbreak is a Bit*h but honestly wen two three guys break up with u or its the guys that keep breaking up with you as a lady ask yourself these questions…1.”what part did i play in it…did i sell myself cheap or gave out my cookies too soon…could it be possible that the problem could be mine, do i get carried away easily?” 2.” i s it possible that cos of my environment growing up i keep getting attracted to men that use and dump me?”….my two cents….
COOKIES….LOL Steve Harvey
Yes! I agree with you and Temi equally… especially the part about taking a serious look at your patterns in relationship when the 3rd consecutive guy walks out on you … there’s a problem and it’s not just them that’s got the problem. May God help us to open our eyes.
Wow! God bless you Temi.
True talk Temi…Seems Glory is unaware that character & virtue seems to be missing from todays ladies.
Completely agree with you. I believe the reason most ladies get so heart-broken in relationships is because they start with emotions and end with common-sense, instead of the other way round. Emotions should be released only when you have established and ascertained that the guy you are with is a man and not a male. Every woman for sanity-sake needs to find out who she is first, then find out who the guy is (not by sleeping with him), find out his character.
A good man will never promise to marry you and then dump you, a male on the other hand will.
Temi Please are you married? ……If not Please I m on ma knees begging……(laughs)…You are sure on Point with some good substance and depth…I guess You ve gotta message for your world..Keep it real Maam …God bless
NOBODY IS ASKING FOR THE PERFECT GUY.
women emancipation does not actually mean not being married… the women who are promoting that propaganda are the ones that highjacked the feminist movement. the original feminists were mostly married…and stayed married. they were not preaching against men, but were preaching for women’s rights to be fairer. i think beyonce is in line…if you see the body language beteween her and her husband, inspite of the fact that she does not seem over intellegent, you can see that she’s no bimbo or stepford wife pushover. the husband, in spite of being a roughian seems to respects her. see also carla bruni…michelle obama…believe it or not these are red eyed ‘married’ feminist. so emancipation is not exactly the antithesis of marriage.
Well spoken.
True Talk!
Forget him particularly when he gives a flimsy excuse for breaking up with you.
very true and nice writeup.I have been into those shoes and am out of it now.I think most girls decide to manage the beatings,cheatings and harrassments of their guys because of the fear of not meeting anyone better.The fear of the unpredictable future.They feel these guys are the best they can ever have.I am not trying to be a feminist but most victims are ladies.So please ladies wake up ,stop acting blind and dump the sentence ‘I WOULD MANAGE’OR ‘I WOULD CHANGE HIM’ provided you are not married..There is always someone better for you out there.Life is full of surprises.Just pray,have faith,live a decent and responsible life and take my words,the best guy on earth would be yours.
what a soothing relief. was once a victim of a relationship being controlled by my man’s mum, thank God for giving me the grace to call it quit. today im 1million times better off without him.
It is normal to brood over a relationship gone sour;doesn’t make you desperate or foolish.Especially when you dated for more than 1yr. Just like Ronnie said,it’s easier said than done. It’s very easy to tell a friend who just got heartbroken ‘that was the best step’,but my dear,for the heartbroken lady,it can’t be easy. Deep down in her heart;she’ll be expecting the guy to come back,a changed man..But all in all,well done Gloria,nice article.. I really respect your ’cause’….If you know what I mean…
totally agree…i just think the ladies should move on from such relationships and learn from them….this marraige craze as i call it will let alot of girls marry any man….i pray to God i dont make that mistake because i also feel the pressure to get married….its the future after the lavish wedding that really matters, no one especially in our nigerian community wants to be divorced no matter how common it is now it is still a taboo….just pray about your decisions and most definately dont settle for less….. a man that truly loves you would not like to see u hurt .
Wow, this is article actually is TRUE, really some girls should just sit down and read and assimilate this. Also referring to myself, Glory, well done for this well thought of article.
Nice write up, all ladies should read this….
@temi, being a nag is not usually intentional. Sometimes, ur man stops giving u attention and u become a nag. Though u were not one before. You just want the man u used to have before. Glory, ur articles inspire me so much.
My heart has never been broken by a man. I am usually the first to walk out. If I see danger signs and I pray over it, talk it over with him and no change I move on and this has saved me a whole lot of trouble. People stay in a relationship that has some red light beaming so clearly yet they stay in there because of what people would say or because they are getting older and need a man, at the end of the day the man still walks away and they cry like babies. Had this guy who I dumped one month into a relationship simply because he was bent on sleeping with me meanwhile my spirit was never at peace with him for reasons I don’t know. When I called off the relationship he couldn’t believe it himself only for me to find out that he was actually on a kind of bet with his friends to get down with me since I refused to date them. He took the shame he planned for me wen he couldn’t achieve his devilish plan. Ladies please try and read between the lines before it is too late.
Very true words. I think all women should aspire to a healthy sense of self esteem and financial independence. All other things may then be added unto you.
God bless you Bella Noire, I hope all women follow this advice!
I totally agree with all u ve written and i can relate with it. Thank u for this lovely write up
why did it seem you were writing to me.whenever i think of this ex i m all upset even when i tell my self that its his loss,some voice speaks back to me to say No ,its yours but time will help me forget it ,it may not heal! thats the true! THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THIS PIECE!
@ emjay u will heal if u are determined enough…. time tells a lot of things… But u will heal…
TRUTH, well done Glory and God bless you.
@ Temi, an absolutely conclusive write up. It is so easy to blame the “Man” when a break-up occurs rather than focusing on the issues that lead to it in the first place. I believe that only the people in a relationship truly & sincerely know the cause of their break up. That said, it is quite easy for the people outside of the relationship to the blame whoever they are not that close to. For example,…… “Today, I had a rather tearful call from a friend who has just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years. I know she will be reading this, thinking “Glory, how can you put my business out there?”, but I will share with you all what I told her regardless. “You are a million times better without him”. I wasn’t saying this because I wanted her to feel better, I said it because it was the truth. Sure, in front of everyone, they seemed like the happy couple but to people like me, who knew the innings of the relationship, I was altogether glad that the charade of a relationship had come to an end. Like I said to her, he did her a big favour by ending things, because he was completely undeserving of her. Right now, it may be hard for anyone in a similar situation to see through all the hurt, but as someone who has come out of similar situations trust me when I say this- your life will be so much better without him (or her)”
I totally agree with you Glory. As ladies, we tend to lie to ourselves and adopt the stance of turning a blind eye to things our boyfriends do that cause us heart ache. We console ourselves the he will change. The only time a woman will succeed in changing a man is only when he’s a baby, and the only thing u’d change is his diaper .
I was once in a relationship with a guy. We were altar bound when I called it off. I felt heartbroken but I knew it was for the best cos he never would have allowed me grow. I’m happily married with children and when I look back on that relationship, I thank God fervently for saving me. Its not a case of the Fox and the grapes, its the honest truth.
you are sooooooooooo right…….. it hurts me wen i see a lady hurt
You are right so on point! it can be really painful when a guy walks out of your life especially without a reason and then you keep wondering what the problem was…… but then, its his loss. A lady should invest in herself in every positive way so that whenever he hears about her he’ll realize how much of a looser he is. Talking from experience.
well I guess it will help loads of women… ” Well done Gloria.
My stance, I cant be bothered… relationships, relationships… am sick of IT NOW. i dont even know what to say. Other than SEEK YE THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND EVERYTHING WILL BE ADDED TO YOU. Meaning allow your heart to be consumed by thing that concerns God and allow your heart to be faithful to him. He will teach u, guide, help u and whatever happens he will be to warn and lead u right….
True dat.
Well said Gloria! Am a living witness. It was hard to let go but God grant me grace to stand. So happy to be married now!
That’s funny; I wrote a similar article on my blog not very long ago. What you have just said is right – some men are so heartless, they’d dump you, get engaged to another woman three months later…and then try to have a secret affair with you behind his wife’s back. As a woman who has been through hell with men before, I can see where you are coming from. Having said that, sometimes we are told not to cry over useless men because you will always find somebody better out there. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen that way. There are women who contunue to wait for The One – but he never comes – while the men have it easy because there are loads of women, but very few men. And I must say, there aren’t any good men left.
I preach accountability. If you are accountable to yourself and your God, then anyone around you will understand they need to be accountable. Women need to learn to be selfish and nurture themselves first before trying to fix others. If you nurture urself, then you are able to establish standards for which ur significant other must conduct themselves.
Loove your neighbor as THYSELF. Self-love should be on top of that priority list
simple truth,
just what i need…..
@ Gloria…this is a beautiful piece.
As ladies, we should be able build our self esteem. Getting married is not “ishh”, it’s getting married to the ‘right’ person. When a guy/girl dumps you, take it in good fate and see it as a chance created to meet with the right person. I actually can’t explain why we remain in relationships we know aren’t suitable for us… but it takes a wise woman/man to eventually realize this, get out and move on.
We should boost our prayer lives…because whether we like it or not, God answers prayers. Simply pray and he’ll answer you.
yea i agree
TRUTH TALK DEAR.
Glory’s views only represents 1 percent of Nigerian women —– in an extremely sexist society like Nigeria, many women would rather be unhappily married than suffer the “pain of singlehood” as many call it. Single and older Nigerian women are under harassment from married Nigerian men who assume that they are just desperate.
Thank God i dodged d bullet,Beyounce best thing i neva had.
Glory and Temi both gotn it right. Thank you so much. I needed to read this right now.
igbofille, what a crazy personal story ? Do men still take bets on tatas ? whata shame!
Frankly, the best thing I never had was a fantastic job I narrowly missed out on. In fact that’s what I thought this article was about. As for guys, women waste their time worrying over irrelevant things instead of simply getting on with their lives. Life’s too short, get on with it. Igbofille has the right idea.
@ this statement: Glory, a man who really loves you would rather walk over hot coals than see you cry over something he could have avoided. thats deep….
my dear sis, u should pls take heart and allow God to guide u in decision making, is one thing to make your choice is another thing to present it to God in prayer in other to have a happy ending.God bles. u
Preach, mama, preach. When my ex left me and married another lady the same week, I ALMOST DIED!!! Please interpret that literally! Now, 8 months later, i look back and laugh like “Clairo, WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH YOU??? I can’t even believe i was with him. My life is so much better now! When i see his wife, i will hug her and tell her “Thank you!!! Sucks to be you!”
ahahahaha!
hahahahahahahahahahaha DEAD!!!
True talk Temi…Glory seems to be unaware that character & virtue are values rarely seen in todays ladies.
and are these characters in men ? the so-called husbands ?
…..so what do i do now…i’m confused…finally a woman i’ve been friends with for the past three years is coming around to accept me for who i am….but all this while she kept me waiting,somebody else was brewing …now she seems fully invovled,i’m scared to let go of the new aquaintance because she is very interesting and we seem to have a lot of common interest….but my old friend is unique in her own way but she is not ready to be in a seroius relationship that will culiminate into marriage(career path plus she is quite young 21)…PLEASE tell me do i give her the boot and give the new person a chance?….what if that didn’t go right i would have lost two great women
You are what you eat,
You are what you think,
You are what you say,
You are whom you choose to date…
hmmmmm
#shikena
Thank you Temi, i was about to say this piece is a little too one-sided. No perfect person out there…what did you do that got him to make you cry? Except he is really mean person (like the one Igbofille talked about), i believe there should be a reason.
amen and again amen
GBAM!!!!!! I TOTALLY agree with u my sista!!! Nice article..
@mosun….men dont need reasons to leave a woman u know……my ex was like i know him too well……can u imagine….well i let him go…he met a girl that turns out to be a bf slapper….slaps him @ random….any small argument ..*slap*…when i look bak ,i smile bcos i deserve better .
lol!!!@ bf slapper…..(guess sum guys deserve such).
In as much, as we ladies need to do soul searching about our character and virtue…I totally agree with you that guys don’t ve good reasons for breaking up….(no offence meant) sometimes. Guys could be very fickle minded.
I know i will be sounding like a cynical bitch but a dog will always be a dog, even if He is married to Halle Berry. From what i have seen and i have seen a lot. Dating, relationship and marriage is a freaking chess game and may the best man or woman win!!!
The issue i see and which is what i had was, relationship is not the same anymore. The game field has change and women need to upgrade themselves with knowledge and how to date men.
Value is not how rich you are or the degree you have? Value in the dating world means you screw up with me, I am out! Men dont care if your bank account is bulging with naira or dollars or you are a hardvard graduate. they will try you, and see if they have hold on you. If they know they do, there goes your value!!!
Nag and encouraging have to be a passive aggressive thing with men. If you pray and fast till u are lepa shandy and you are not smart or play your games well, they will give their soul to someone who bashes them like a houseboy. Ever wonder why bitchy women seems to have it all?
This is my advice for my Nigerian sisters. In the world of MTV and BET, these men are looking and dating women that looks like video vixens. Even if you tattoo Godly, prayerful, great cook on your fore head. They will still pass you by to the Bitchy, high maintenance, screw with me and i will break your balls women.
Men love challenges and educate yourself, be happy with you and be glad u didn’t marry those bastards that broke your heart.
TRUTH AND HEALING!
I almost did not read this and thought to myself Glory and her lamentTations but wao this was a good piece like the last one. Love you girl
God bless you for this…right message at the right time.
Nice article – although Temi’s write-up adds the ‘At the same time’ piece that is required… It’s too easy to focus on what ‘the guy did’ without thinking of what ‘we’ might have contributed to it… This is not to say that we are the cause or deserve the resulting action, but each person’s behavior in a relationship feeds off the other person’s. Some men and women are just assholes but other times, where a relationship ends is a result of both parties and not always one-sided…There are always 3 sides to a story – his, hers and the truth…
http://www.9jamom.com
I like the article but then again it doesn’t explain the title “The Best Thing I Never Had” or maybe I just dont understand
THE LATTER HON, THE LATTER.
GLORY FOR PRESIDENT !!!!
True talk, Glory.
Nice article Glory, we women need the encouragement jare. We outnumber these men and so even after dating them for years, they can wake up one morning and decide they are tired of cowleg and now want goat meat…lol. On a serious note what are we women supposed to do. Especially if you are in your mid thirties and have invested sooo much in the dude. My ex of 6 years did the same to me. He was a terrible dresser, had a very untidy place and was not even appreciated by the women around him. I saw beyond this when he asked me out and I cleaned him up, tidied his place, bought clothes etc (with his own money o! I’m not a sugar mummy). Well after all this, he woke up one day and called it quits and started seeing some other girl due to family pressure. It hurt like “CRAZE” and I was sure I wouldn’t get over him. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidante and we were really really close. I was crushed but i survived it and I’m now back on my two feet and seeing someone else.
God help us women with all these hurts!
I love this article, so true no man is worth crying over. We need to stop making excuses for man, when we see the red flags stop and pay attention. But there is one thing I am pondering in the end of this article, wat about the woman that he has now gone to marry?? does that mean she is has no self worth, or that she deserves that type of low life man. I mean wat happens to her, I always ponder that about the women who marry the men that have red flags all over them.
SAY WORD !!!!
Beautiful piece…some men are just mean
True Talk!
Bless your heart Glory and bless you more Temi!!!! you two have spoken very well….my friend’s hubby told me some years ago that until you become a wife, you cannot attract a husband… being a wife means soooo many things. As a wife now I can tell for free that the most important aspect of being a wife is being God’s daughter!!! Makes all the difference in the world especially when God is the one hooking you up with His son!
@ hali gbam!!! We r truly who we choose to date. So ladies when u complain about that guy, first check yourself. A self confident, independent and self assured lady attracts exactly that kind of guy and vice versa
Another rant…
temi, you are absolutely right. but i believe glory is referring to ladies/guys who have all the desirable traits you’ve mentioned and still get hurt by those less deserving of them. and i can clearly see she included the guys at some points. it looked like an article for ladies because she was narrating her own experience. if it was TJ that wrote it, it would have looked like an article for the guys.
so i say, well done ! gloria.
ugh. bs.
this was not a healthy, clear-eyed article.
I totally agree with Glory on this.
Mosunmola that line ‘what did u do that got him to react & make u cry’was my ex boyfriend’s xcuse 4 evrytime we fought or I cried…but as Glory’s dad said a well brought up man should know how to handle his anger+ego when dealing with his woman, he chose to react (no one forced him) what happened to him ignoring the issue that moment & then addressing it later when all was calmer. Yes no one is perfect, but some things are just not acceptible.
Glory wat i observed abt wat u said is dat
1.
Ur article is 1sided it only sees 4rm d female point of view, although i agree wit u on d fact dat if u hav an ex it means its in d past am nt saying u shuld beef him/her bt u shuld learn 2 let go, i bet u will neva rily knw if a bird lyks u if u dont let it fly away & if it cmes bak 2 u its urz. Its natural 2 smtimes luk out d window 2 c if d bird is cming bak 2 u bt sooner or l8r time tells.
2.
You also make it sound lyk guyz r evil & even worse u make “EXs” look lyk demons bt d truth is we r all humans wit flaws no single persn is perfect it is nt fair 4u 2 make it luk lyk EXs r demons.
3.
U sound hurt as much as u r trying 2 pretend u r jst taking out ur anger on innocent pple.
If u hav an ex it means u r nt compatable wit ur ex however people change & become compatible wit dere ex & live happily bt nt ever afta cos we r humans…
4.
You dat is looking 4 mr.Right, search urself & findout if u r miss.Right
cos dating a wrong guy is same has dating a right guy wen u r wrong..
In concluxn
am nt tryna hurt any1 bt am jst saying d truth.
make urself right & mr.Right will showup. Dats hw it works dnt get it twisted
Thankx ……Roie
thank u jare. i repeat, this was not written in sound health.
I get the whole “best thing i never had”-ish but c’mon!
I tell my ppl that chics today are the daughters of women scorned —-(u kno the sayin, ‘hell hath no fury…’) so i totally feel Missy when she goes “…ain’t no shame, ladies do yo’ thing/jus’ make sure u’ ahead o’the game…” which i translate to mean be smart, forget platitudes and rose-tinted lenses. Play this game like u’re in it to win it but above all be realistic about truths like “this is a man’s world”, and take some g–d— responsibility for ur actions.
turning carpy will only leave u vulnerable. play smart like a queen. know what u want, train for it. when u spot it, acknowledge its faults (cos believe me ALL dem dawgs got faults) and build contingency plans.
cos frankly, all this “this one was like this… that one was like that…best thing i never had”-ish, wen u marry, u join the silence club (YEP el femministos!) and the reason is simple: wen u begin to talk back to ur man, once u lose ur respect for him – and if u’re a capable, independent woman, barring any political or otherwise ambition on your part – you will walk out on him. and after u walk out, the silence ends and u’ll recall he WAS like this and like that but admitting it then wud’ve ruined the evidence captured in that photoalbum that you were perfectly formed and cosmically guided to each.
So, chics u know, be smart not bitter.
i’m calling for a do-over. Khalas!
nice one sister and @temi real talk
Gloria has much has i like to read your articles and respect your opinions, you are a very good writer do keep up the good work.on this issue i totally disagree with you because it is just too one sided, not very man is a man is bad,there are some very terrible women out of ignorance&pride push a good man who would have been a good husband to them and they end up with men who treat them with disrepect or get trapped in terrible marriage have seen cases where women beg their ex to come and save them from a bad husband but then is too late there is notthing the ex can do but to pray for them. Gloria i agree with your dad a good man will do anything to save is relationship and the woman he loves but some women fustrate a man efforts and like Temi said nagging destroys relationships it,s terrible habit, a lot women do it and it,s really bad, a nagging person is a negative person and doomed to fail.my ex foolishly ended our 4years relationship 4months to our wedding it was just a difficult relationship for me because i did everything to save the relationship because i truly loved her then,despite her nagging and negative attitude,at a time she lost her job she was so fustrated and so i went all out pull some strings and got her a better job with better pay all to save our relationship.later she meets this dude on the job and breaks up with me 4months to our wedding it was hell for me but somehow with God on myside i pulled thru i had invested so much and felt used.to cut the long story short, dude dumps her after 1year and marrys someone else.now she wants me back and pleads with me to forgive her and marry her, she says the dude treated her so badly.I can,t trust her anymore and have decided to remain single for now and watch carefully,i put a lot in that relationship,just can,t trust her anymore.so Gloria always look at both sides and advice the women too, there some terrible women out there who have hurt a lot of good men with good intentions i am sure they know themselves, some of my friends are victims too. Temi God bless you for saying the truth you are a True woman.
Focus on self improvement people and do not attempt to share your life with anyone if you have not become your most comfortable self. Working on your self results in the following;
The ability to use your brain before your heart to discern a decent man from a bad one and to have boundaries that shouldn’t budge.
In you becoming an interesting person because you develop genuine interest in numerous things as time goes on and you have things to say do and you develop a spirit of spontaneity.
You find your most attractive self ever in the most natural way possible. You’ll come to know self love and appreciate your worth. You will learn numerous ways to stay beautiful naturally and ways to transform yourself when you want to go crazy. The truth is real self improvement comes with embracing one’s natural self as a woman, which people around us unfailingly always appreciate and embrace.
You learn that your outter shell is just a presentation of your innerself and that your outter self does not define you, but that equal care is what you need to be your best self.
You will find the energy and time to work out or be active and stay in shape.
You come to know yourself, who you truly are, what you will toleraate and won’t tolerate, who your friends really are, what your priorities are, who should listen to or not listen and what everyone in your life’s role should be and not be.
You establish realistic goals and are able to reach success and find hapiness through the wonderful talents God gave you
You come to see that you do not need another to complete you, but to complement you. As cliche as it may sound you’ll realize that looking to others to make you happy is a fail and happiness only comes from within and with this realization you can walk out of any toxic situation from the first red flag
You’ll learn that life isn’t a game of baseball, it’s called a second chance, not a third chance or fourth chance. Strike 2 and you’ll show him the door and never look back because you will be building or will have built a stronger self.
You will learn to set reasonable and sensible boundaries that are fair to your partner and give respect and love where it’s due a man will respect you regardless of who he is. You cannot change a man, but he can be moved to change. The truth is sometimes he has to change for the next women in his life not you, because if you allow your boundaries to budge he really will never change and sometimes a good man is a trained and experienced man thanks to other women that didn’t budge or that finally had enough.
You will become more spiritual and closer to the higher being you believe in and that is what will take away fear and keep you optimistic. Knowing that there arethings you cannot control and that should be lef to fate and God.
You spirituality will help you stop trying to control things outside of yourself that you have no business controlling and can’t control and you will find that you life is becomes less choked with frustrations that lead to regretable actions, anger, criticism of others and unhappiness
You will find yourself attracting the right people into your life and caring more and about issues with more depth and less about yourself and the shallow things in your immediate environment
When you improve self and become comfortable with self you will attract a fantastic man, not by magic but by understanding that love comes and goes and by allowing it to do just that until one comes sees how fantsastic you are and stays because he’s in awe of you, cannot imagine life without you and wants to convince you that you shouldn’t live without him.
You will come to realize once you start working on yourself that you cannot rush the process and that being comfortable with yourself does not have a ticking clock attached to it or a sell by date and that you shouldn’t put a time on your process. Just enjoy the process without expectations.
OMG!!!! I found my twin…get @ me please….jennietobbie on twitter. you dazzled me with your brilliance.
Ignore all typos, my fingers and brain do not always connect, working on that.
Add- You will discover that your ego does more damage than good and learn to identify when it’s just your ego pushing you in a wrong direction, blinding you to a truth or making you stay in a situation you shouldn’t be in. You will learn to be the master of your ego.
You have spoken very well ,thanks for your comments you have taken your points from a very deep perspective and i must say i have taken my 2pence from all you have said, i feel loving and accepting yourself is a process which you must take after you have made up your mind to move to the next level and free your thoughts off things that may ruin your spiritual growth.you seem to have had a an experience yourself maybe in the past,but has healed gracefully judging from you spiritual perception on this issues.But the issues Temi raised should be a vocal point and foundation of any relationship that is destined to work on basics of Truth. I may have sounded bitter with my first comment but i am not infact i am in very good talking terms with my ex we had lunch 2days ago and discuss has friends and share important views on buisness and other issues,same goes for all my friends.when you have a good heart and you respect God,s values you see life in a simple way, i was just tool God use to help this person, it could have been anybody so i thank God he used me to bless this person at that point in time.so is no ego tripping at all,and for me i always believe what will be will be know matter how had you try you can not change what God has destined, it may take forever but if it is the will of God it will surely be fufilled.Once again Thank you for your comments:)
It’s Miss Glory Edozien AGAIN!!! I love everything about you…and I haven’t met you yet. God bless you for polishing us, young ladies.! Respect!
Wooow..i actually took my time to read the comments n let them digest. I’m inspired….best i read, we women shld learn to b selfish..especially when it boils down to our body….that’s our most priceless asset.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a yr. I cried out, expecting him to come back, beg, asked my mom and friend to beg. He didn’t cause this was third time I was attempting/attempted to break up with him. After talking to my mom and a few I feel it is for the best. He was right saying we are too different. I was trying so hard to fit in. He wasn’t religious, I am trying to be, he always want intimacy, something I haven’t done with any of my previous ex, which I did with him…. He does want this or that, and I just have to accept.
I got a friend to talk to him and she said I think he’s hiding stuffs, he finally told me off and can’t pinpoint what I actually did.. One thing I know is that, the last time we quarreled and stop talking was when I said NO to him and told him it is my body..
Learning points : read between the line, never compromise on your standard, principles and religious teaching because of a man, nag when it is necessary and never use “He/She says I will marry you” as a reason to stay when he/she starts misbehaving. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage (your children will never forgive you for marrying the wrong husband or the wrong wife)…. Cry, cry , cry, when you are tired of crying note the lessons you learnt and take them with you and move on..
if you spared yourself the pain, you wont learn the lesson.
‘A healthy relationship keeps the doors and windows wide open. Plenty of air is circulating and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this environment. Keep your doors and windows open. If the person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world, will not make them leave. Trust that truth.” ~Unknown (TSW)
Glory thanks for sharing this with us….but I should be more grateful for TEMI for hitting us with the bitter truth…Thank you both girls, I am a guy though, I appreciate ur thoughts here.
in any relationship God should be central…if its not right the relationship will disintegrate…this should be considered a blessing rather than a curse…
nice word of encouragement from gloria and i totaly agree with temi, we ladies have to work on us first. what you give is what you get.
Hi Glory, thanks for this write up, but I must confess that all your efforts to strike a balance failed; from your tone, you are fully bias. Even using he/she did not save the motive behind this piece. As much as I agree that some men contribute to the failure of a relationship, that does not make the woman a saint. I think we should pay more attention to counseling the youths on how to make their relationship work that encouraging them to be jumping from one man to another in the name of seeking for the best. My sister, there’s no Christ without a cross. As you make your bed, so you lay on it. Lets stop confusing our ladies, please tell them the truth.
so true Glory
;(