Divorce & Tears…Been There & Done That! Bimbo Turned It All Around – Life As a Happy & Blessed Nigerian Single Mom

Just the other day a ‘well meaning’ married friend of mine called me up to ‘advice’ me on settling as a mistress. I went further to ask if her husband could be the candidate and she got very angry stating that she was only trying to help me in my current ‘condition’.

This so called condition is being a single mom in my 30s. I was in a seven year physically and verbally abusive marriage. When the abuse started to get more physical than verbal, I decided to leave for both our sakes and our two beautiful children involved.

For the past three years now I have been a single mum and trust me it has not been an easy experience. Starting over is never an easy feat. It takes a whole lot of guts and changing of one’s mindset to find the way forward. Especially, if it is a case of stooping from grace to grass, whereby you are literarily back to square one emotionally, financially and spiritually.

Being in this situation has helped me to understand why the counseling and psychiatry sessions inculcated abroad are actually very important. Unfortunately, our environment and culture do not really embrace such. So, you just end up sinking or swimming and so help you God!

For me the first year was the worst because it had not yet dawned on me well that it was now me, two children, no job and an angry ex-husband who tried to get at me by not providing financially for his kids. It was quite horrible and I must confess I looked at suicide as an option. When it came to actually swallowing my poison of choice which was ’otapiapia’ a locally made fumigant, I couldn’t go through.

However that was the turning point because it made me realize it was now me, myself and God. I used to have so many friends but by the end of that first year I could count on one hand those who truly cared. It was like I became ‘persona non grata’ and that hit me hard and affected my psyche for a while.

To counter this, I went on a little ‘girls gone wild’ episode with men that did not offer me much because most of the men felt they were doing me a favor by dating me as I was supposedly a ‘second infact third hand human  being’! Also at that time the people I surrounded myself with were also of that mindset that you have to just settle for any kind of man often time married because the odds were stacked against you.

Moving into the second year, still financially struggling and emotionally destroyed I started to focus on the spiritual part of me. This is basically the essence of who we are as humans and I started to rebuild my inner self and change my mindset. I learnt to imbibe humility and started doing odds and ends to feed myself and my children. I broke off all those unfulfilling affairs and connections as well as distanced myself from those people that felt compromising negatively was the way to survive.

Trust me that was another hard path to go through. Gradually I started to appreciate who I was and the hand that fate had dealt me. I came to realize that life isn’t exactly fair but hey guess what? It could have been worse and the fact remained that I still had a lot to thank God for…being alive and well to start over and two wonderful children to live for.
Being single again is not exactly a walk in the park though because it is as much a state of mind as it is a state of relationship. It is not bad in itself but what is bad is losing hope that one will ever find anyone that will love you again. Personally, I still have some good days and some bad days when I just crave having someone to call my own. Not even in terms of sex but just having a man that cares, takes me out, calls me up and loves me to pieces (deep sigh)

I have come to learn though that it is better to wait for the real deal from God rather than force it yourself due to heightened emotions one might be going through as well as people’s perception. Do not let anyone deceive you, as a single mum you are as much a wonderful human being  as any other person and you need to make yourself a good role model for your children.

I am now in my third year of being a single mum and things have eased up a bit to the glory of God. The children’s father now chips in financially from time to time. My wilderness period has made me a stronger person. I have also been able to learn some vocational skills like sewing, soap making, catering and yes writing.

I am presently pursuing a lifelong dream career in the broadcast media and I can hold my head up high and say I am indeed making lemonade out of the lemons that life dealt me.

Stock Photo Credit: Blend Images
_____________________________________________________________________________________________Bimbo Olasope works in the newsroom of City 105.1FM Lagos.She studied English from the University of Lagos and is a Project Management Professional(PMP) from the prestigious Project Management Institute USA. She aspires to be a support system for single moms all around. Follow her on twitter @bimztheory

89 Comments on Divorce & Tears…Been There & Done That! Bimbo Turned It All Around – Life As a Happy & Blessed Nigerian Single Mom
  • efe August 3, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    it will get BETTER.Let GOD be your focus and see how HE will turns things around for the better…………. Be bold and courageous

  • MOE August 3, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    I wish you all the best as you continue your to live your life! I cant sa I know what you have been through, but Iknow it must not have been easy. Just hold unto God and he will provide all your needs.

  • darkhorse August 3, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    I understand this writer perfectly well. Our society take the single mom ( That is if they even accept they exist) as lepers. Most times, women see the writing on the wall and choose to ignore it believing that love will save the day. But in reality it comes to bite us pretty hard. Being a single mom is challenging in itself and you need a strong shoulder to survive it. The best way is to discover your inner self and the sky is your limit, because those kids didn’t ask to be born and they deserve every form of stability!

  • Chi-ka August 3, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Bimbo, all I can say is that God will continue to strengthen you! Hopefully, lots of single moms in Nigeria will learn from you that it is indeed not a death sentence. The actual death sentence is staying with a man who makes you his punching bag.

    God bless you, Bimbo…I’m checking you out on Twitter and Blogger too! :)

  • Fatih August 3, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Wonderful write-up! I pray God will continue to order your steps

  • Adedoyin August 3, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Nice piece! God will continue to give you strength to carry on…

  • Myne Whitman August 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    You write very well and I believe there are greater things in future for you. Keep your head up, and surely even that love will come :)

  • teebee August 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Dear , I feel you. I was raised by a single mum, made single at 32 and left with 4 kids. She struggled and survived and today all of us are doing well and we are all married. Hang in there. After 22 years,my dad came back”to beg” my mum….and she even paid his travel expenses..who says there is no God?…hold on to HIM

  • Chattyzee August 3, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    God is your strength and he will bring helpers along your path. Thanks for sharing this story.
    http://dprodigalchild.wordpress.com/

  • Traditionalbay August 3, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Men born out of promiscuity have all it takes to shatter a woman’s life!
    Bimbo, may you find grace for the days ahead. keep winning.

  • T.S. August 3, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    I love this – Just the other day a ‘well meaning’ married friend of mine called me up to ‘advice’ me on settling as a mistress. I went further to ask if her husband could be the candidate and she got very angry stating that she was only trying to help me in my current ‘condition’.

    hahahahaha!!!

  • duchess August 3, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    thank God you had teh strength to quit an abusive marriage…many women cant even quit an abusive relationship talkless of marriage….my mum always tells me “the night is darkest at the break of dawn”…i see the struggle she is going through with 5kids after the death of our dad(my mum is in her 40′s with the body of a woman in her 30′s) and i know that some days are better than others but then i also know that as long as God is in the center of your affairs, you are already a winner….let your kids look up to you as their role model and learn the power of inner strength from you….you will never know how strong you are until you get tossed by the storms of life…Kudos to you! you are indeed a WOMAN….powerful and strong.

  • Ainka August 3, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Being a single women with children, in a patriarchal society is not easy road to trod. I thank God for your life and all he has done thus far. It brings music to my ears to hear that another woman has made it out to” safety ” you are alive today so many reasons to celebrate!! Being a single parent today is a common talk and it’s disadvantages however be empowered because you can succeed. Accept the responsibility,challenges and continue to seek solutions. Be committed to your children, strive to be well organized and dependable .TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Maintain tradition (bedtime stories, family time together, holiday celebration) and foster relationship with your kids. HAVING A POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON CHALLENGES EVEN IN STRESSFUL SITUATION..The lord that is with you is more than they that are against you!! Love from my camp .

  • cathy August 3, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Ride on sis, poverty is an orphan and success has plenty brothers and sisters. it is well. it can be worse than what you have faced but at the end you’d be victorious.

  • purplepearl August 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    May God continue to strengthen you, i have an aunty who is also a single mom and i can tell its not easy, just hang-in there and let God take charge.

  • Revira August 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Wow, I feel you my dear sister… I’ve been through the same thing. I am also a single mom of two, I am 29 years. My marriage ended two years ago because my ex-husband was very abusive. Just like you said, the first year is the hardest … I remember feeling lonely, depressed, sad and even developed anxiety crisis but all is well now or seems to be by God’s grace. My divorce made me a better person, I am more confident, passionate , compassionate and spiritual. I am now a professional speaker in Canada, empowering others women like me. Everything happen for a reason and I believe that God wanted me to where I am now.
    Thanks for sharing your story, may the lord continue to guide and provide for you. Amen

  • Cee August 3, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    I am glad you are alife to stand up for yourself and children. I am glad you have found courage not to give up on you. I am glad you are here making a difference. I am glad and do thank God for you. Salut’

  • Ene August 3, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    You go girl…I was raised by a single mom and I think they are the strongest people on earth

  • Oge August 3, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    i just had to comment.i had tears welled up in my eyes as i read through.too many of us ladies go through this same road and don’t find the strength to move on.people around really make u feel less than you are,but you can only love yourself more than anyone else can.sis i feel you becos i’v been there and can totally relate with you.i’m more inspired by you and i’m glad to know that there are stronger women out there who can take charge of their lives with the help and love of God.thank you so much for sharing.bless you

  • Amazeballs! August 3, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    May God continue to give u purpose and strengthen you. Amen!

  • True talk August 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    I can totally relate to this article I myself was in physically n verbally abusive relationship for 2 and a half years. In just 3 short months my perfect relationship turned into a nightmare n it took me going away for England for a couple of months to get away from him. Thank God he hadnt travelled before I still wonder if he would have come after me. Long story short I also had my girls wild moment dated guys that were not emotionally available n could never love me I guess I was too damaged to realize what I was

  • Jadesola August 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Hello Bimbo,
    I am a widow,lost my husband two years ago,so understand the pain but the only one that can console in this situation is God,happy that you have involved God in your life.Always tell yourself,you are winner,remember winners don’t quit.The children are saying thank you mummy with their smiles because it is grace of God & you,the children are smiling.
    Take care and wish you the best.

  • Jemimah August 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Thank you for sharing. I feel you. This is my fourth year as a single Mum and our
    stories are similar. Tough? Yes, but I’ve never been better! Jesus rocks my world in a way
    that makes me feel free, special and indestructible. Love? I started out desperate but now
    I’m enjoying having the power that comes from knowing your worth. It’s a journey and
    am looking forward to the future. We didn’t just survive, honey, we are here to triumph!
    Glory to God:-) Take care.

  • Lady G August 3, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Way to go Girl! Thumbs Up!

  • Remi August 3, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    I see how my mum feels. Love that woman even more.

  • Angel August 3, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    More courage to you Bimbo…what a difficult situation but love your strength and how you replied to your friends ‘wonderful advice!’ (LOL). Keep going, God has definitely gone before you. xxx

  • HBM August 3, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    I’m encouraged by this story and the comments. I’m a single mom to a beautiful, intelligent and wise 2 year old. I love her to bits and I can go to any length for her. Bims, you’re a strong woman. I commend you for walking away from an abusive relationship. I’ll always say, abuse is abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, psychological) and it can have long lasting effevts on one’s psyche. I know God will not leave u nor forsake u, I know this bcos he has come thru for me too many times. May He keep you and those lovely kids. Love u.

  • kiki August 3, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    God bless you bimbo…u are a role model to women in abusive relationships. The God u serve will keep providing for you.

  • kenny August 3, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    it is well, even in the wEll. with God on your side he will be able to see u through. stay blessed

  • True talk August 3, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I can totally relate to this article I myself was in a physically, verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for 2 and a half years. In just 3 months my perfect relationship turned into a nightmare n it took me going away to England for a couple of months to get away from him. Thank God he hadn’t travelled before I still wonder if he would have come after me. Long story short I also had my girls gone wild moment dated guys that were not emotionally available and could never love me I guess I was to damaged to see I was doing more harm to myself. I spent the next 5 years in fear and thinking I wasnt good enough. I eventually started dating again n got my heart broken into pieces. I am now 30 and I have somehow made myself believe that some people go through life without being love and hv bn stuck in this state of mind for over a year now. How do I get out of it?

    • tosin o August 23, 2012 at 8:00 am

      My dear…Just like Bimbo said OUR SPIRITUAL SELF is most important once you renew your mind, and build your spirit all others will come easy. I am not by any means saying the road will be easy, but you would have the strenght to get through each day feeling worthy of every blessing. My dear, you need support from family, friends and a bible believing church that can counsel you, love you and help you grow spiritually. I will give you a testimony:
      A girlfriend of mine had been a single mom for almost 10 years with the help of her parents (they raised her son) while she finished school, she joined my church 3 years ago and grew spiritually and to the glory of God she is getting married next week Saturday to a young never been married man who saw her for who she was and loves her. Ipray the same path for you my dear. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and it’s righteousness and all other things would be added on to you. Amen. God bless you.

  • Maz August 3, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    Wow, how inspiring. Thanks Bella naija for this story. I’ve been separated from husband for 4 years now. I made a choice to walk away from an emotionally destructive relationship. I found out my husband was not only cheating but was going on websites to ‘hook up’ with other women. As in, meet up with total strangers and have one night stands – sound sick right? Of course I couldn’t tell my inlaws and family the entire story. I prayed about it, and felt led to walk away before I get HIV or something worse.

    We co-parent and we have a better relationship now than when we were together. I have dated other men after the separation. However, I’ve made up my mind I will only settle for a true man of God. If I wanted to settle for less, I would have remarried by now. But I want to be trully happy and would rather be happy alone than remarry and be unhappy. My first marriage was blessed with 2 lovely kids, I have wonderful friends and family around me. So there is joy all around me, its not perfect but still I give glory to God – for life, good health and so much more. Bimbo, continue to trust in God for he is your refuge. I used to think I was crazy to be at peace and be happy in my situation. Even people around me questioned how I am able to cope well under the circumstances but after reading your story, it trully is by the grace of God as he alone can give peace beyond human comprehension. God bless you for sharing your story.

  • theodora August 3, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    Abuse in marriage…I could tell you all about it,I too had to pack my bags and leave when they became threats to my life,left with a child 3yrs of age,who has never seen the insides of a classroom because her father prefered to use the money to travel out of town and have sex with whatever he can find on skirts. Left us for weeks on end with no money,No food!
    That was what I lived in called marriage.
    God can never turn his back on the righteous…he will give us Beauty for Ashes.
    God bless all mothers.

  • juliet August 3, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    he who laugh last laughs better,u are not alone.u are already a winner.thank u and God bless u

  • Person pikin August 3, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    After reading the story and some of the comments I ask myself “Is this marriage thing compulsory?”

    • Amongthemongs August 6, 2012 at 4:14 pm

      Hmmmm!!!!my dear, you’re taking the words right out of my mouth!!! I’d rather remian single and be in heaven than marry and be in hell o! #smh

    • Gonny August 14, 2012 at 9:08 am

      i tire oh, sometimes i wonder which is worse, being married and unhappy or single and rejected by society!!!

  • Lover August 3, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    Wow! I am so proud of you Bimbo!
    I can relate to this story… I have a beautiful aunt who is a single mother with two kids. she lost her husband to diabetes 2 years ago and the first few years were hell for her and her wonderful kids. Now she’s learning how to cope, and God has been merciful to her. Everyone’s chipping in to make sure that she and her kids are comfortable. I am really happy that you can be her source of inspiration

  • HERBEHOLARH August 3, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Amazing is the word!, i draw strength from you words and you just encouraged me, i just barely made out of 8 years of toxic relationship, holding on to God to help me through as i pick the bits and pieces of my life together, take each step with faith and courage knowing that the all knowing God is with u all the way. thank you for sharing, Bella, U rock!

  • Ajike Gold August 3, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Keep keeping your head up…

  • Liliana August 3, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    The problem with Nigerians is that they don’t believe in seeking help. Like the writer said, you either sink, or swin. No marriage or even relationship functions by itself. it takes committment from two individuals to admit their shortcomings, and decide to work on it as a team.

  • darkhorse August 3, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Its refreshing to read all the postive comments here, pls women let us know our worth and stop shortchanging our selves for the title of Mrs and the male genitalia! Let us wake up to the dangers of making the wrong choices when it comes to our life partners. Just because my friend, sisters and neighbours are married I shouldn’t go and drink otatpiapia. Fellow women let us encourage one another and stop making snide remarks about each other because they are single, divorced or in a challenging postion.

  • Bee August 3, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Its so inspiring. If my mum of blessed memory had listened, she wuldnt hv died this early @ age 52. My mum suffered of same issue fr years bfr she died dis year all for d sake of wt will people say,am no more in my husband house. Am 28years and I hv told myself no man on dis earth will do such to me. I will be a single mum till whenever my father is dead cos he doesn’t deserve it. Ma’am I salute ur courage!

  • Karen August 3, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Thanks for sharing, Bimbo. The best is yet to come for you and your kids but as a child of the Most High God, you already know that. I’m a divorced single mum. We were mutually abusive, I would always fight back but he was alone with the cheating. Eventually I left. I’m still dealing with the shame of knowing I could have done better with my choice, knowing that I allowed myself to be pressured into marriage because of society expects, of allowing myself to be dragged to animal levels, of letting my family down and worst of all, failing to provide my child a loving, 2 parent home. I’m so scared that my poor choices will hurt my innocent child. There’s no room right now for thoughts of what others are saying. I also had a relationship after the split that ended badly. More shame. I’m just looking to God for healing and restoration. God have mercy on single mothers.

  • Princess of Zion August 3, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Wow! The story was touching, even more so were the comments! Single mothers need to be praised and applauded! Your story is very inspiring and you indeed turned your lemons to lemonades! it’s funny that this is what I blogged about today- Lemons to lemonade, turning your pain to power and using your negative experience to help others. You are truly doing that; I sympathise with what you on what you went through. May the Lord continue to uphold, strengthen, favour, honour, bless and prosper you and your children. He will provide every good thing you need to raise them. Amen.

  • Le Dynamique Professeur August 3, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    Its hard to find purpose in the midst of such challenge but through it all, you stood, you did not give up and most importantly, you found the hope that maketh not ashamed (God, himself). Keep on keeping on, ma.
    Blessings

  • ktemi August 3, 2012 at 11:21 pm

    My mother raised 3 of us as a single mother in Nigeria…struggled for 17 years and she got a job in UK (she never remarried as was waiting for my father)…when she came here, God turned her story around…she met a lovely man (never been married/not had children) who married her and pretty much adopted us (and He’s Nigerian)…10 yrs on, they have a lovely marriage……………….We do not joke with our mother at all!!!! She is one of the reasons I wanted to succeed in life (to make her proud and to learn form her mistakes) and finally, God has turned her mourning/struggles into joy/gladness….

    We all have our own personal stories…does that mean yours will take 17 yrs? I don’t know but all I know is that in His (God’s) time, he makes all things beautiful o keep waiting….tell Him your heart desires and wait for him to fulfil them

  • inspired August 4, 2012 at 12:44 am

    I’m very happy for you Bimbo, I do wish your marriage worked out, but I was not there…you were and so was God. God is just and fear. I am so glad you clung to him when u were tested…You now have an advantage, you HAVE been there, there at rock bottom that is. In that moment you stuck too your faith and turned to God. He will see you through. I pray that you and your children will never lack, and that you will continue to go from strength to strength. I that God will EXCEED your expectations and grant you favour. Anything is possible, even a change in your heart and the heart of your ex for the better. Do not wait for you ex he many never change (but u clearly know that) However, from experience when God judges a case and he lifts people out of the lowest pit he can do wonders! If it is true that this man was wicked and a abusive to you He may yet be humbled and brought to his knees. He may beg you, and you may take him back as a stronger person, or decline him with satisfaction. Fact is you will be empowered to proceed in the manner that your heart tells you, and in accordance with what you feel God would want at that SPECIFIC TIME. Fear not. You are clearly blessed.

  • sheridan August 4, 2012 at 1:00 am

    wow Bimbo i salute your courage! God will strengthen you for your kids. I was raised by a single mum too, my mother is one of the strongest people i know. She left my dad while pregnant with my twin sister and I, like Bimbo my dad punished her by not providing for us. she alone saw us through school, today we are all graduates. Ladies like Karen commented, we should not allow ourselves to be pressurized by society into making wrong choices in marriage. It is not a do or die affair, when its God’s time marriage will happen. let’s stop this idea of singles being looked on as incomplete humans. its better to be single and happy, than to be married and eventually become a scarred single. Not everyone gets over terrible marriage experiences (for instance my mum never remarried to this day because she is still not over the abuse she suffered in her marriage). I pray God continues to strengthen all single mums out there, open doors that will make their lives easier, heal their broken hearts/spirits and help others ladies not to add to the number.

  • Maz August 4, 2012 at 1:54 am

    @ Person pikin: Marriage is good, the key thing is choose wisely. I saw all the red flags before marrying my husband but I felt pressured by him, my inlaws and my family. I knew it wouldn’t work, but after the introduction ceremony I thought it was too late to call it off.

    Again, the key is to pray and choose wisely; don’t marry under pressure. If I had married someone I trully loved, perhaps I would have worked harder on the marriage. At the end of the day, no marriage is perfect but if its a true partnership, you can work through challenges and obstacles as a team.

    @ Karen: Please don’t be so hard on yourself. We’re all human, and its okay to make mistakes. As long as we don’t keep making mistakes. We all get second chances. First of all make peace with your ex-husband and ensure the kids have a good relationship with him. I have a good relationship with my ex-husband for the sake of the kids. We co-parent but he chips in financially every now and then. I have learnt that God is my source and have never asked my ex for financial help. When he gives, fine and if he doesn’t we’ve never lacked. I don’t go around badmouthing him because at the end of the day if I do, it reflects badly on me and the kids.

    With regards to dating, its got to be done wisely. I’ve dated after my ex but my kids have never seen me with any man besides their dad – I don’t want to confuse them. If I’m in a serious relationship for 6-12 months, then I can contemplate introducing the guy to them after I’ve prayed about it. Find happiness and peace first, don’t be in a relationship to fulfill a void. That way you’re not desperate. I don’t sleep around with guys and the guys I date know my stance on pre-marital sex. The serious guy will wait and do things the right way AFTER marriage! You’re worth it, even after marriage and kids.

  • the intricacies of life……. August 4, 2012 at 2:00 am

    i salute

  • AnonYMOUS August 4, 2012 at 4:09 am

    My eyes swelled up with tears after reading this post and the comments following. It is well and I pray to God for strength for every single mother. Like one of the comments rightly said, we should never be pressured into getting married. A man who slaps you when dating will hit you after marriage. Why do men even cheat? I dont get it. Why get married to a woman and put her through so much emotional struggle. God help us oh. I will rather stay unmarried than be in an abusive marriage. I watched my father hit my mom severally and made up my mind NO MAN…In Jesus Name NO MAN will ever treat me like that. It was tough growing up without the two of them together, the stigma, the name calling. i wish nigerians will be more supportive of one another in stead of calling them names. it is well. Im even crying as i am typing. Such bad memories growing up, I do not pray such for my enemy’s kids sef

  • Wow August 4, 2012 at 6:08 am

    Oh my! Thank you so much for this article. I can totally relate to this story. Not in terms of being divorced or single mum but in terms of making lemononade out of the lemons life throws our way. I’ve been thru a very depressed, lonely and suicidal last few years and only in recent weeks have I started to change my mindset. Things may not always work out the way we dreamt, hoped or prayed they would. But we just have to make a conscious decision to make the most of the ‘situations’ we find ourselves. It is also very important to ignore our stupid societal standards imposed especially on women. May God continue to strengthen single moms and single women alike.

  • marvel August 4, 2012 at 8:58 am

    To be fair, most married women I have seen in Naija are more ‘single’ than you’ll ever be.

    Some advice:

    1. Never allow ANYBODY to promote the 2nd class citizen mentality to you. You never have and you never will be!

    2. Unknowingly some single moms paint themselves as victims to potential suitors, so speak of yourself as you would in an interview, where you are more likely to be positive even about your negatives

    3. Never speak ill about your ex to the children and to any potential suitors. Think of it as a bad suit you bought from a shop. You buy a new one and take into consideration some factors such as fabric, cut, cost. You don’t dwell on the suit but may refer to it from time to time.

    4. Do not allow issues to become ‘topics of discussion’ in any date. The past is the past and should be filed under LL (lesson learnt) as a precaution to such problems in the future. Men are pretty much the same. No man can slap you on a date. These abuses creep in with a lot of effort from victims. Go back to the first shout, threat then beating. Your actions (or lack of) also contributed to it. There is respect and there is slavery and there is a huge difference. I am glad you saw that eventually.

    5. Single moms especially, never wish to introduce their children to their dates. Personally, I don’t agree with that. If their father does not visit and you have no brothers and male visitors/mentors, how do girls in particular lean to interact with males? I’d use board games such as snakes as ladders to have everybody bond. The children should be allowed to ask questions. My effico son nearly killed my husband (then boyfriend) with questions. Infact gan, that is when we discovered that he was divorced which was different from the single I was offered. We went out together and finding a babysitter was a priority for me as it was for him. I can’t just dump a child for a date or a shag. If you sell yourself cheaply, don’t whinge when you are treated accordingly.

    6. In the UK for example, the British Police can search a persons name on the child protection register for single parents etc. As this is not available in Nigeria, you have your instincts (very powerful tool) to guide you. Therefore, do not leave your children with those you do not know. An intimate relationship is not an excuse to do so.

    Phew! I am tired.

  • Maz August 4, 2012 at 11:16 am

    @ Marvel: I agree with all you’ve said except the part about single mums introducing their dates to the kids. As I stated earlier, I don’t do that because my kids have a good relationship with my ex-husband and it could be confusing for them. For those their kids’ fathers are not in their lives – I’d still advice them to proceed with caution. The police search in the UK only dates back to a certain period, so sex offenders prior to that period would not be listed.

    I know an older lady that used to introduce her daughter to her dates. When the child turned 18, she got out of control and one day told her mum ‘all the men you keep dating, you’re not even ashamed of yourself’. This was in the UK o, so you’ve got to be careful with kids as they watch quietly and you’ll be surprised the things they’ll say when they’re old enough. My advice would be to wait until its serious (6-12 months) and as my friend did with her fiancee, she introduced the guy as a co-worker after 9 months of dating seriously. Watched how he interacted with the kids and even the kids were suggesting she dates the guy as the kids were not aware they were already dating. He proposed to her 6 months after meeting the kids. I’m so happy for her as her first marriage wasn’t the best and I hope this one will work out as everyone deserves a second chance.

  • Laura August 4, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    To Marvel – “No man can slap you on a date. These abuses creep in with a lot of effort from victims. Go back to the first shout, threat then beating. Your actions (or lack of) also contributed to it. ” BS. I can’t believe that there are still women that think like that. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you have a son or a daughter, please abeg, never tell them that. There is no justification for abuse, whatever the reason. You take the high road and walk away. The victim contributed to it. WHAT!!!!!. Who damaged you so much to make you think like that? Its like saying a woman who got raped must have contributed to it in some way, because my dear, that is the same thing. The first shot, threat, slap, think back to what you did. Do you know how many when are stuck in abusive relationships because of that? They’ve somehow gotten to think it is their fault, and they deserve such behaviour, and some are stuck in a dangerous downward spiral, their shatters their self esteem. I put it to you, would an abusive man slap or hit his colleague? really would he, so why is his wife or girlfriend fair game. Since her efforts contributed to it. I have some very very annoying colleagues, so, because of the efforts they r contributing to annoy me, should I slap them, abi which kind nonsense talk is that. In 2012, some women still think like you, disgusting comes to mind. There is no justification to hitting a woman, none at all. You as the man, you walk away. A man that cannot control his temper, is not worthy of being called a man. A man that can raise is hands to a woman, is the lowest of the low, and you pack your things the when he tries it, because he will do it again. Such a man is damaged goods, and he will damage you. I pray your daughter or close friend never experiences physical abuse, because I’m sure you will not be so cavalier, and tell them that rubbish statement you just typed. With all the exposure and legislation we have against physical abuse, there are still people that think like this. Shame on you.

    • MattDickinson August 4, 2012 at 9:39 pm

      Laura Preach it girl! You couldn’t have said it any better.

  • NNENNE August 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    @Maz, your view about life is awesome! keep, Keeping. Hope is still alive.

  • Maz August 4, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    @ Nnenne: Aww thanks, appreciate the encouragement:)

  • Nok10 August 5, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Bella naija: Could you please move this story to the relationship section. I mentioned it to a few friends and they can’t seem to find it.

    • Nneka August 8, 2012 at 6:22 pm

      Uhm… just send the link to them, geez.

  • True talk August 5, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    Thank u Bimbo for sharing your story and breaking the silence a lot of women that have been through this find it hard to talk about their experience and keep it all bottled in and it slows eats you up and kills your already broken self esteem. We should encourage more women who have been in abusive relationships to talk about it I know it’s the hardest thing to do it took about 5 years for me to eventually talk about what I went through trust me it wasn’t easy people can be so judgmental and make you feel worse than you already do. But it gets better God bless you Bimbo

  • Guz August 6, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Men also go through similar experiences, okay maybe not as much as women. My mum left my dad and us back in the 70s. My dad raised us with the help of some family members. He later remarried. I also know a guy whose wife was emotionally abusive, eventually she walked out on him and the kids. He’s been raising the kids alone for 4 years. There are single dads out there too doing a great job.

  • Guz August 6, 2012 at 9:23 am

    @ Marvell – so you teach your kids how to interact with males by introducing them to your dates….hmmmm. Please if you don’t have male family members or family friends surely you should have pastors in church, sunday school teachers, teachers, coaches etc that you let your kids interact with (under your supervision).

    Be careful as there are paedophiles out there that deliberately target single mums as they see them as vulnerable and desperate. By the way, not only oyinbos are paedophiles as you are all aware from the news – naijas are capable of such acts too. Chances are if you don’t introduce that kind of a person to you kids for a long time, they’ll get frustrated and move on to their next victim. You can’t rely on sex offender registry, in the UK it dates back only to a certain period. Even with the American Megan’s law, you have to remember thats for offenders that have been caught, so what about the ones that haven’t been caught yet?

    Please single mums be protective, infact overprotective of your kids!

  • Chocolatier August 6, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    After reading a lot of the comments which obviously came mostly from women, i have no other choice but to thank GOD for giving me the courage to walk away from an abusive relationship. I endured so much psychological, mental and emotional abuse during the course of that relationship. GOD used my younger sister to talk me out of marrying the man in question. Although i’m yet to be married, but i have to appreciate the fact that i’m single with a difference. I lost my father ten years ago and trust me it was never easy. My mother had to joggle between her business and holding down the home front. this made me realize that every woman is beautiful, unique and phenomenal in her own special way and Bimbo you’re no exception. I’m glad you did the right by walking away and for also involving GOD in your life. He loves you just the way you and trust HIM enough to turn your mess into a message. GOD bless all mothers and potential mothers.

  • Ure August 7, 2012 at 10:44 am

    let me congratulate you first of all for having the strength to leave that abuse marriage as many women who find themselves in such situation don’t have the strength to leave and many of them die in such abuse.

    God will give you strength and he will supply your needs according to His reaches in glory plus he will give you a man after his heart.

  • Diva August 7, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    My heart bleeds and i am petrified. Marriage is supposed to be this beautiful institution where one feels safe and happy. These stories make me even more jaded than i already am. May God continue to strengthen, provide for and mend your hearts. It is well in Jesus’ name. Amen

  • Izzi August 7, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    All the men leaving these women……..issokay ohh. Baba God is watching u all. Na una dey parade island as big boys abiiii, looking for small girls to decieve abiii. God’s hand of judgement will come upon all of u. U all have forgotten that Karma is a bitch abii.
    To the women,may God enlarge your coast and give u the courage to hold on.

  • Catherine Ekeh August 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    This is a beautiful, touching, inspiring and heart-felt story coming from a strong, passionate, beautiful and wonderful person like you Bimbo… and to think you are my colleague in the office is so amazing…i really thank God for your life and that of your children for having such a strong-willed mother like you..God bless you….not to worry, there are lots and lots of goodies in store for you from Baba God noni……It is well with the womanhood…

  • Babydee August 7, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    Bimbo, Lord knows i had to take a step back and look at the name of the writer again because i felt one of my friends was writing about me. I was in an abusive marriage as well and ran away after almost 2 years. It got to a point, during the usual after the beating family meetings comprising of him, myself, and his parents, where my mother in law would say “ehen, so he beat you, what’s the big deal, there is no marriage in Nigeria & even abroad that the husband does not beat the wife”, and told my now ex husband that he should not worry jare because there are many women in Nigeria looking for a husband and that if i got tired, she would find a woman to replace me immediately. I ran away with my child one day and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. 3 years later he knows where i am and has my contact info but has never asked after his child. God has blessed me tremendously, all i ask to complete the circle is the man that God himself has chosen for me. I am very sure he’s around the corner somewhere and in God’s time, his promise will manifest.
    Hang on Bimbo, we are in a better place and destined to end up in the most glorious place ever!

    p.s, (the power of the tongue), His mother told me and my mum in seperate instances that if she and her son had ever treated me wrong, may the same fate befall her daughter. Needless to say, a few months after i left, her daughter’s husband threw all her things out, sublet their apartment and relocated out of the country. She came back from the U.K with their newborn child to discover an empty house and a husband who had fled. We serve a God who neither slumbers nor sleeps.

    • person pikin August 11, 2012 at 2:55 pm

      WOW!!!!….You mother inlaw said that to you? Like seriously? No wonder some misbehave. With all these worrisome stories of marriages in the blogs these days its not improper to conclude that that generation of mothers failed big time with their sons… I’m just 25 but I have told my brothers that if I ever catch them cheating on or mistreating their babes, I will tell the girl straight up and ask her to leave cos no woman deserves it.

      May God continue to uphold you Babydee, May he grant you all that your heart desires and even better…. Amen!

  • my beat August 8, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Inspiring story. I pray for more strength & grace for you, Bimbo and all the other ladies passing through same.

  • True talk August 8, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    @ babydee it’s amazing how mothers support their own forgetting they have daughters too. Serves her right

  • Emeka August 11, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    It’s really a touching experience but the truth is that such can be avoided. I pray God to give you the fortitude to cope. Do not blame yourself or anybody. Always remember that God will never turn his back on you or your kids and most especially, love shall find you again; and you shall smile again.
    Some women really do go through a lot and our society seems to create an enabling environment. However, no matter the reason, physical abuse is not an option. I have been married for 6yrs with 2 wonderful kids and I pride myself that against all odds I have and shall never have the reason to hit my wife. With the kind of mother I had, my father never resorted to that so why should i. However, experience has taught me always to walk away whenever my madam is in “the zone”. I have friends that hit on their wives and I still can’t understand why they do so. This year alone, three of my friends’ wives have taken refuge in our house because of their abusive husbands. What the hell is going on! I have had to physically fight one of them on one occasion cos the wife almost lost her pregnancy in the process.
    For the guys reading this, women from the beginning of time to the end of time will always have a sharp tongue especially when they feel provoked. Ignore it and never let you ego ever cloud your judgment. He who hits his wife is damned before God.
    From the ladies in ongoing relationships or in the journey of meeting their respective partners, the signs are always there but one is usually blinded by either pressure, lust, love or our sheer vanity. I always say that guys are the easiest to figure out if you keep your eyes open. Love maybe blind but only in one eye. You can never fail if God guides your judgment and you tell yourself the truth – always.
    A man who is insecure will surely hit you or cheat on you.
    A shallow/ proud person will surely see you as a threat and will always try to demean you. How can someone give what they do not have?
    He who is kind in all its simplicity has a heart and will never hurt you.
    He who lacks the fear of God will always bring you pain and will never understand/ appreciate the depth of your feelings.
    A fop is only interested in face value and his interest in you will wane over time; especially when the babies start coming.
    Sex is good but he who is eager to sleep with you after just meeting you rather than hold a conversation with you…run. The breakdown is endless.
    Divorce in itself maybe wrong in itself but self preservation is key. It may be hard at first but things always pan out cos God is ever faithful.
    The moment you let someone demean and abuse you in whatever way; then you’ve truly lost it.

    • portable-oge August 27, 2012 at 10:58 am

      God bless u so much for this wise words! i hope ur wife realizes she has a treasure in u and please help and educate other guys out dia dat u can walk away and still keep ur ego intact!

  • ucl August 12, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Somtyms I ask y will women alwz b @ d recievin end.

  • CUTEEY August 13, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    i have to find a way and ask my sister to come read this post cos really am tired of preaching. d devil was seen in him ryt from d onset but my sister was too blinded to see it too. we did all we could to stop it until it seemed as if we were against her progress. now she has 3kids but d beast is still on it, just when she thinks right and plans to make a move he starts acting all good and sweet. she is so vulnerable ryt now, acts so weird at times to me all for the sake of not wanting to have her kids grow up in a divorced home. Wch is better i keep asking her,a single mom or a dead mom? I KEEP PRAYING FOR TO BE STRONG IN ALL AND FOR GOD TO KEEP HER FOR ME COS SHEZ D BEST SIS I CAN EVA HAVE….
    I HAVE SWORN NOT TO MAKE D SAME MISTAKE AND GOD KNOWS I WON’T TOLERATE ANY FORM OF ABUSE I NEVA PRAY FOR IT ANYWAY. GOB BLESS US ALL

  • bussy August 13, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    bimbo my friend i know u personally and you know me too, you made a good choice by leaving him,God his on ur side. we share the same sorry just that i was not married to him and i have a daughter but after 8 years of been a single mother he came back to me and now we are married and he loves me more than anything in the world. our God is a good. keep on hoping for the best.

  • Mayowa August 14, 2012 at 9:47 am

    I’m thoroughly thrilled to discover that there are still men like Emeka out there, having been raised by a single Mom and being exposed(to an large degree) to the drama that preceded my parents’ split, I had almost lost all hope in “mankind”,(only dated 1 guy for 7 months in my 24 years of existence and wasnt very serious about it),I pray that God strengthens all the single mothers out there cuz I’ve met a couple of them and it’s pretty obvious that their psyches have been damaged (hopefully not irreparably)by the issues they went through in their marriages. I’ve realized that a shockingly high percentage of my peers were raised by single mothers and had no father figures to look up to and help shape their perceptions of what a real man should be like…Where are all the real men out there?

  • Nok10 August 14, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    @ Emeka – I’m impressed, God bless for being a real man.

  • Morayo August 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    well there is always sunlight at end of a tunnel just keep your trust in God ~! he can do all things lol!!

  • Dede August 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    Nice article. Keep it up.

  • Happy Woman September 4, 2012 at 9:04 am

    We as women have also failed our sons, we do not raise them up to respect and honor women an we promote this chavinist society. Lets try to live and let live. If a person is married thank God , if single thank God…Lets be our sisters keeper and stop this unnecessary competition and making life for each other unbearable. Imagine the friend trying to help her out of her so called condition. hmmn it is well,God dey

  • Tunrayo September 11, 2012 at 1:24 am

    Bim Bim, I was very sad when I read this piece but I just want to thank God for making you strong some other women have resorted to psychiatric homes. I must confess that I am not suprized at your unique display of courage though. We were in the same class and same hall in UNILAG. You went through the daunting challenge of becoming the hall chair even after your opponent posted horrible comments about you the previous day before elections. You are right about your having many friends both male and female. You were fun to be with and your room was always full. You also had lots of food. You see the aspect that moved me most is the fact that you could only count a handfull of friends after the end of the first year, once I read that part I knew u were telling the truth all the way. Bimbo had friends YES. man and women high and mighty. Hmnn this world one has to beware of fair weather friends. Take care dear and keep being strong.

  • Frank October 25, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Your story, though unfortunate, will be lesson to women that are currently married now, especially the arrogant. A bird in hand worth a lot.My advice is that they should hold on to their marriage very strongly. The fear of single mom life experience.

  • cdcd October 27, 2012 at 10:32 am

    my dear bimbo. God wil definitely bless and enrich u and to all single moms out there keep up the faith. @ emeka God bless u.

  • anonymous September 11, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    You are a strong lady. And a role model to other ladies out there. I pray God opens doors of goodness for you. All the best xxx

  • evelyn February 10, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Bimbo,may god strengthen you and provide for your needs.there are some crazy men out there,bimbo pls link me up with the above email.

  • Emi August 3, 2014 at 1:10 am

    I know this is an old post…. But I needed to read this. I need to leave this marriage or I would become a bitter and sad person and that’s gonna make me an unfit mother for my precious girl…I don’t even know where to start from…I don’t have a kobo in my account….I don’t have a job. Don’t wanna go back to my parents house cause they would see me as a failure…I need help and advise pls…

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