Aunty Bella: Miss. Is My Fiancé Too Sensitive?

dreamstime_s_55581142Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. To submit any problem for the BN fam to help you tackle, you can email us – or leave it as a comment.

Please read below.


BN fam, I need some advice.

I’m engaged to be married soon. My fiancé is a very sensitive person and it’s both a blessing and a curse. His sensitivity makes him caring, thoughtful and sweet, but it also makes him get angry over little things. Right now he is not talking to me, because yesterday he sent me a message which I didn’t reply to. I didn’t notice the message because I wasn’t with my phone for hours and when I finally got back to it, I took a picture and sent it to his WhatsApp. He read the message and saw the picture I sent but didn’t reply.

Since I had no idea he was mad at me, I assumed he was busy and would reply in due time. I didn’t want to be a petty and annoying girlfriend by asking why he had read my messages without replying. I wasn’t mindful of the chat above the picture I sent, because I thought they were from our previous conversation. I have apologised to him and explained that if I wanted to ignore his message, I wouldn’t have sent him a picture minutes after he sent me a message. He said he didn’t feel like talking last night and he has been silent, distant and cold to me all day. (He hasn’t read or replied the messages I sent him)

He gets angry with me over pointless things and I always find myself apologising for so many things. This makes me look like a constant offender in the relationship. I feel like I deserve more patience from him, considering that I love him with all my heart regardless of all his shortcomings and family drama.

His brother is a serial rapist and my fiance has got him arrested twice, once in Nigeria and once in south Africa. His brother managed to bribe the victims families in both cases and got the charges dropped. His brother’s depravity is so bad that he has slept with countless closely related family members and raped a lot of others. I’m still willing to overlook all these because I’m convinced in my heart that we both complement each other.

I am relocating to another country to join him, but I still haven’t figured out what to do with my life over there. I’m an artist, a happy go lucky person who isn’t content with just working to make money. I want to be happy with whatever I’m doing. I don’t want to wake up a few years down the line and regret leaving Nigeria.

He has made some sacrifices for me too. Moved into a cheaper apartment, made some lifestyle changes in order to save money for our up coming wedding and to have enough to take care of both of us when I join him. Thinking about how he reacts to issues has got me thinking and wondering if most people in the world have got one comma or the other. Perhaps this is his own and I have to help him gradually grow out of it. His behavior and feelings of distrust of me stems from several heartbreaks from women. Does he have to be so sensitive or am I overreacting?

~ Depressed

*Details edited for privacy

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60 Comments on Aunty Bella: Miss. Is My Fiancé Too Sensitive?
  • Mrs Objective February 1, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    It’s still not too late too break up. He WILL anise you emotionally and at some point perhaps physically too. You will suffer if you don’t quit now. You deserve more. You love him but he doesn’t seem to love you. Love keeps no record of wrong. Love is kind. This is not love sometimes we get comfortable doing the same thing and getting out seems like a taboo. I’m married, marriage is like a good prison…no way out. You can t afford to leave the rest of your life like this. Also the family drama…one day the brother can rape you too.

    • Depressed February 1, 2016 at 10:29 pm

      Also, he has a lot of emotional trauma from his childhood. His parents are divorced now. Everyone adviceshould people to leave when their partner has emotional issues, but who doesn’t have emotional issues? Yes he is emotionally broken, but who is going to love all the broken people of the world? Do they not deserve love? I also have my own emotional baggage, does that mean nobody should love me? Why does life have to be so fucking hard? What’s the point of being alive if I’ve been hurt more times than I’ve been loved. I’m just tired. When is it going to be my turn to be truly loved and happy?

      • nene February 2, 2016 at 2:28 am

        the problem here is that u are depressed. it takes a strong mind and soul to love emotionally battered people. are u up to the task? i don’t think so. since u really love him, stick with him, and if it doesn’t work out you can always get a divorce. but he should also be apologetic, most sensitive guys are apologetic when u confront them about their wrongs, but if he has a problem apologising, thats a bad sign.

      • Ada February 2, 2016 at 5:18 am

        Whether you decide to remain in this relationship or not, please find someone to talk to.

      • Yeyeperry February 2, 2016 at 8:15 am

        I absolutely pity the next woman he dates when you leave him… I think you need to talk to him and both of you should attend counseling/ therapy sessions. You can postpone the wedding until you get the results you want. Be patient and don’t give up on him like all the others before you. I wanted to say “run” but when you run what becomes of him. what makes you think the next man you’ll meet won’t start manifesting his bad traits after you are married. At least you know what you have to deal with already. Pray, Talk, Go for counseling and pray again.

      • Yeyeperry February 2, 2016 at 8:17 am

        You cannot change a man but you and your love can help him heal.

      • nn February 2, 2016 at 8:46 am

        leavee now or forever cry.. from experience i can tell you that his behaviour cant be changed by and you either take what comes or run from ur depression. better safe than sorry loads of men out dere hun

      • love February 2, 2016 at 4:42 pm

        This reminds me of a guy i was just getting to know, and was about dating. I was busy on my research work in the jungle, and i missed his calls 2ce. Lo and behold the dude never calls back all because of only 2 missed calls. I intentionally didn;t call back till i returned from field then i called him to shame him and said ”i am back o, thanks for checking”. The dude then said i should have called back. I laffed in my mind.

        Like seriously, I had not even started dating him properly and he was already displaying overt sensitivity, what would now happen when we start dating. To think i didn’t find him attractive and was willing to compromise rationalizing that looks aren’t everything. Well that was my cue to move on. I can’t deal with pettiness and immaturity. Mark you the dude claimed to love me and can’t go a day without hearing my voice. hahaha. bull.

        In my opinion a guy should love me more than i love him, not just by words but by actions. There should be no excuses to be unnecessarily sensitive towards someone you claim to love. That experience was painful but i closed my mind and moved on, later on he resumed calling but by that time i had become indifferent. He eventually got the message and gave up calling.

        My point is seriousness is not hard to find. If a guy loves you, he will show it and not leave room for doubt. The real deal-breakers are emotional abuses like this. It may be hard, but be bold enough to use your head. By God’s grace, there are still many guys out there who don’t have those redflags, whose flaws are things you can live with but not the real dealbreakers. Yes no one is perfect but if it doesn’t feel perfect in your heart, then it won’t in marriage. You are deppressed now, when u are married i can only pray it won’t escalate.

        It is well dear. Look to God for the ultimate direction.

      • Mrs Objective February 2, 2016 at 7:36 pm

        I came back today to check on you. I wish I could give you a hug. See, don’t worry about who will love the broken people of the world….someone will at the right time. But is one is not your cross to carry. Move on from this emotionally abusive relationship it will only get worse and you will run mad or more depressed or hurt yourself. Please I beg you run while you still can. Yes you are broken, we all are in some way, Turn to God not man. Your own person will come and when they do all this won’t even matter, you will be thankful you left this man. I’ll check back. Please let me know your thoughts. Hard decision I know but one that will define the rest of your life.

  • eagle February 1, 2016 at 9:34 pm

    Don’t start what you can’t continue!! No one is perfect but if you can’t tolerate his imperfections, the marriage isn’t worth it my dear. You can’t change a grown man o, your wedding is in two months and you are more worried than excited……. it isn’t worth it!

  • Eni February 1, 2016 at 9:38 pm

    Girllll, I say high-tail your behind OUT of that relationship, you are not overreacting! As someone who has dated a man with some serious insecurity issues which made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells and going insane, I will tell you that it will stress you the hell out. If he is acting like this while you all are engaged, do you think marriage is going to make it better?? Nope. The fact that you’re even having such strong doubts about it right now is an indication that you already know what you need to do, but maybe are afraid of leaving him because of the “love” or you feel like you need to “save him.” Let me tell you, you are not a savior, and the only person at the end of the day who is going to need saving is yourself after all the wahala you will be dealing with. Love him, but love yourself more!

    Second, have you all sought pre-marital counseling from a trusted spiritual leader or marital counselor? If you all are not willing to break up, then it behooves you both to get an objective assessment of your relationship. If he is still reeling from the heartbreak of past relationships, he needs to go to therapy. You are not his emotional punching bag, and you need to find some value and self-esteem in yourself as well so you can realize that and take a step back for you both to work on your issues.

    Lastly, his brother is a serial rapist?? And you know this??! And you are still moving forward? Jesu Christi of Nazarethi…!! You didn’t mention anything about your family, but I’m sure they would not be approving of this relationship if they knew this. You already know when you marry, you marry the family, and if brother is doing all this now, only God knows what he is capable of doing to you and possibly the children you will have in the future (God forbid).

    At the end of the day, the decision is yours, but just know that the person who you marry has a huge effect on your destiny. I’ll be praying for you…

  • Dr.N February 1, 2016 at 9:40 pm

    Hold your ear and repeat after me “I am not God. I cannot change anybody.”
    If you go ahead without peace in your heart, resign yourself to bearing his sulking and other atitudes. Yes, everyone has flaws but marriage amplifies them. You chose d flaws u wanna live with. And u defend your choice for d rest of your life.

  • The real D February 1, 2016 at 9:40 pm

    Not sure why you brought up the issue of his brother. It is obvious that bothers you just as much as the way he treats you. All families have drama (maybe not rapist drama but drama nonetheless). With the issue of his childish handling of issues. All i will say is “What you will not accept as a rich person, it is when you are poor you will start rejecting it”. If you are not happy with the way he handles issues now and you have not brought it up to him and taken care of that at this point. Well… I will ask you : What are you waiting for?, . It is obvious he expects you to always apologize and you never fail to even when there is nothing to apologize about. Try not apologizing and see if he is willing to work towards a resolution. Now, I am not saying this to make you “lose” your man; my point is it takes 2 people to make a relationship to work and if he loves you will want a resolution as much as you want one too.
    As for his brother’s problem, since you are aware and you claim to be ok with it then please DO NOT bring it up. Not to him and anyone else, you are marrying him right??? not the brother, and if you are worried about your BIL turning to you one day, sit down and tell le boo that should that ever happen BIL shall be castrated se fini.

    • Ada February 2, 2016 at 5:19 am

      She is clearly not cool with it or it never would have come up.

  • Cindy February 1, 2016 at 9:52 pm

    You have not married yet and you are already using the word ‘depressed’? Hian! All I know is that flaws become more magnified in marriage. Have you actually communicated your feelings on his attitude to him? Or are we the first you are telling this? He might not know he is hurting you so my advice to you is to sit him down and have a proper mature discussion with him. His response & reaction should help you make up your mind. Communication in marriage cannot be overemphasized.
    His he South African? Because that story about his brother ehn, e get as e be. E dey dem blood well well so I’m not surprised *dodging bullets* I hope you don’t fall victim to him o.

    • Natu February 2, 2016 at 9:56 am

      @Cindy he is nigerian. Ignorant kunt!!!

      • Aunty February 2, 2016 at 3:29 pm

        Is this aggression necessary?

  • HALIMA February 1, 2016 at 9:58 pm

    Babes it’s really not worth it…u might not want to hear this but the truth is bitter dear…Marriage is a life time and if u can’t cope not that u are both single,it will be worst when u get married. Marriage is not all about love. Don’t let ur love turn to hate! Pray serious about it,get God involved…if u can’t find peace in ur heart pls walk away! U deserve to be happy. Marriage is to be enjoyed not endured. Please u need to use ur head now not ur heart… U can’t be playing victim all the time and apologising. Remember u are responsible for ur happiness not anyone. All the best love…

  • Shola February 1, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    I am not going to rant … Rather I will be grateful . I am expecting my first baby . Went for my 1st scan yesterday and the doctor said there is multiple fibroids . I don’t believe but rather I am grateful because that report is not for me . I am just 24 . The God I serve is still in the business of miracles . I have made a covenant that my next scan I won’t see anything except my baby kicking . Thank you Jesus for this miracle .

    • Miss per February 1, 2016 at 10:10 pm

      You’re healed from the crown of your head to the soles of your feet. Perfect wholeness Shola! Nothing Missing and Nothing Broken! In Jesus Name. Amen.

    • Ndidiamaka February 2, 2016 at 3:45 am

      Shola, get blackstrap molasses. They help fight fibroids! Thank me later.

      As for madam poster, were ni yen? Is it when he graduates from emotional abuse to physical abuse that your eye will clear? Are you Jesus Christ, Our Saviour?! In my Sonny Okosun voice, “Wake up from your slumber!” Plus serial rapist in the family ba? You must not like your future progeny! Hianh! Na to get mai suya knife ready be dat to slice off any wandering protrusions! The Bible says if your ear causes you to sin, CUT IT OFF! Either you help his brother avoid future occasions of sin by introducing him to the life of a eunuch or you let the love you have for your fiance support you in telling him what areas in his personality need work; meanwhile, you too, continue working on yourself because girlfriend, neither of you are ready for marriage.

      Keep working on yourself okay? Meanwhile, learn to be his friend and help him grow but NEVER at the expense of your happiness. Remember, the end goal of marriage is for both parties to help each other become the best version of themselves in their journey through life and raise stable, God-knowing children.

      • Depressed February 2, 2016 at 7:24 am

        Thank you. His brother is in Nigeria, so will be far away from us and our family, if we get married. He isn’t on speaking terms with the brother and he isn’t even invited to our wedding, so I know where he stands in that regard. Whats scary about his brother’s issue, is that i know some day the can of worms will be opened and the whole world involved. And true to naija fashion, the whole family will be roped in and regarded, nay, derided as a family of rapists. I may be bearing their family name when that happens. And thats scary for me. He told me about this two months into the relationship, just so I’ll know what I was getting myself into and decide to stay or leave. Nonetheless, its his pettiness and emotional abuse that hurts me the most. How can someone claim to live you, but harbour anger in their heart for you all day?

    • Ogo February 2, 2016 at 5:22 am

      Amen o! By the stripes of Jesus you are healed! You must carry that pregnancy to term.

  • Bukky February 1, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    That his brother should not Goan Rape you one day .

    • Memebaby February 1, 2016 at 10:21 pm

      Or your kids or family members… Nawa

  • tilda February 1, 2016 at 10:01 pm

    Read what you have just written and lookup emotional abuse. you mention a sexual perpetrator in the family who you said has molested near family members. Ask yourself what risk is he to your children or even yourself. You say you are a happy person. You don’t come across as happy in this column. I think you have you’re answers. Do yourself a favour.

  • Hawt Talk With Tosan February 1, 2016 at 10:28 pm

    Being with a petty person and managing their tantrums and emotions is a big burden. But if you want to endure a marriage rather than enjoy it, then go ahead. Good luck.

  • Ekyblink February 1, 2016 at 10:34 pm

    Here is my honest advise, go ahead and marry him if you love him as you claim. He might just be insecure coz you guys ain’t married yet and with the way and speed girls are fucking around with boys/men this days girl, that guys has a reason to be scared. The guy might just relax after making sure you are his and you are not like the other girls you know. My now husband use to be so suspicious of me even with my GFs, lol. Now he has changed 100% I have tons of male friends and GFs too. He is so unnigerian in character (maybe because I dint use to show him those house girl attitude when we were dating) and am happy I married someone like this. Enough with this MARRIAGE IS LIKE A LIFETIME PRISON bulshit. We all know and see that the law has made provision for divorce from unfavorable marriage and people are using it everyday to get out of bad marriage. If you give it a shot and it’s so bad that you can’t handle you get out of it. After all no body actually knows wether his or her marriage will end well. LIVE IN THE MOMMENT.

  • Tgirl February 1, 2016 at 10:35 pm

    My advice is to try and understand your guy very well. I married someone like that also. At the beginning it was difficult, we nearly broke up because I was pushed to the wall several times. But today we are happy because I try to study him very well. May be is because both of you are in separate country. Because in my own case too , we were not in the same country. I had to relocate after marriage just like you. I will be honest with you ,it will take time to cope with each other for like 2years. But with love both of you will be okay.

  • Honeycrown February 1, 2016 at 10:36 pm

    When the story switched without warning to, “His brother is a serial rapist ……” you had me doing a double take! I thought BN story network don jam. ??
    Anyway, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t go into a relationship so tey I will find myself for marriage because he’s too sensitive & keeps malice (that’s enough for me to quit) So when you guys have a fight, who will man up? It’s going to be like 2 women keeping malice? Please don’t tell me he’s the nagging type too? Ain’t nobody gat time for that!!!
    Then his brother? And you’re relocating to another country (And it’s not even America ??) JK @ America!
    In my game show host voice; Congratulations, you just won a non refundable ticket to One Chance! You and a guest will be living together in our One Chance Suite! Expect your stay to be filled with Malice, Pettiness, Impatience and of course don’t forget (drumroll….) possible sexual advances from a family member. These problems are guaranteed aside from the normal issues that come with marriage. But don’t worry this can only happen if you pick up the tickets in 2 weeks. If not, it will go to the next “Dear Aunty Bella” contestant!!!!! (Audience claps & Boos)

  • rhonyi February 1, 2016 at 10:40 pm

    All those saying she should leave him, that might not be the best decision. Have you tried talking thinks over with him? Tell him how you feel about this attitude, how much it hurts you and how it is almost impossible for you to bear it. I noticed explaining my feelings face to face with bf helps and he adjusts his attitude. They are no perfect men out there. Like dr N said, choose the fault you can live with. And that randy brother of his, be careful of him. If I were you I’d go for self defense classes.

  • Wow February 1, 2016 at 10:51 pm

    My dear, you’re dealing with an irrational person. If you were married, I’ll say learn how to handle/deal with such behavior. Since you’re not married yet, you will need to make the decision as to whether or not you can handle that sort of behavior for a lifetime. I know because I’m married to one. Great guy, absolutely awesome until his irrational behavior sets in. Initially, I internalized the behavior and it affected me. One day, I decided to research the behavior and I was angry at myself because I had inadvertently being contributing to the terrible passive-aggressive behavior. I made changes asap and he’s now coming around. Only 5-year olds deal with conflicts with silent treatment. Adults (I mean matured adults), discuss issues and move on.

    So first thing you need to know is you cannot change his behavior. However, changes you make in how you handle his behavior MIGHT create change in him. So change your reaction to his behavior and do not internalize it. But you have to be willing to do the work if you choose to marry this guy. If you cannot handle such behavior, my dear, unpack your things and remain where you are. Someone else’s emotions cannot define who we are. If someone gets angry at you, it is anger they feel inside due to the story they’ve convinced themselves of. If you take it personally, then you get sucked into that story and emotion.

    When someone is overreacting, it means they’re making up stories about a situation they’re in. They’re fabricating their own meaning to something that is likely not at all what they think it is. Overreacting usually stems from letting emotion cloud logic. So it’s best not to reason with him in his irrational state. Wait till after the incident and then have a discussion. You cannot have a rational conversation with an irrational person. Lailai, you’ll be frustrated and you’ll end looking like the bad guy. And don’t even disagree with him at that time. I know I’m writing too much but I wish you all the best in whatever decision you decide to take.

  • meee February 1, 2016 at 11:09 pm

    Dear writer, I have read alot of stories like yours on this column and I wonder why everyone sees the obvious answer apart from the one writing. I have been in such a relationship twice. I know that you know the simple thing to do is- RUN. That is the logical and rational response. But it is more complicated than that because your emotions have been misaligned. Part of your attraction to his soft side is because you seek intimacy yourself. I never had a close and intimate relationship with my dad so it caused me to be DRAWN to men who gave a FALSE impression of it. I had to find this out when I decided to stay off relationships and date myself. I discovered this reoccurring pattern. The issue of soul tie is also very obvious. You have been sexually involved with him. What you are going through is part of the consequence of pressure marital sex. That is why so many people have sex quickly with someone new to get rid of their ex. More complication! I see you as someone who sacrifices for peace just like I did. I did so many things that destroyed my self esteem that wasn’t properly grounded in the first place. You will have to work on your self image, worth and esteem after you are out of this mess. How do you keep staying with a man who treats you without value and honour. To hell with his ring. Girl, that is just to rope you into bondage. These kind of men could even disappoint a day to the wedding. I have so much to say but I can’t. You need to see value in your life. You can start again. God loves you and he will bring the right person in due time. I won’t tell you to quit . It is your choice. Leaving won’t be a walk in the park. A failed engagement is better than a failed marriage. Marriage is good but it cannot solve your problems. It is meant to complement. You can google 1cor 13. God is pure love. Embrace him. You deserve true joy and peace . Abuse only persists where it is tolerated!

    • Depressed February 1, 2016 at 11:32 pm

      Thank you for your wise words. I have not had sex with him. We were both celibate when we met and decided to wait until marriage. so sex isn’t the issue. The long distance between us has been helpful in that regard.

      • Concerned friend February 2, 2016 at 2:55 am

        Girl, it almost feels like the person you described is the same person I dated for 2 years until a few weeks ago. We were to get married in 5 months but God saved me from what would have been the biggest mistake I could ever make. I loved him and he me but there were some red flags. I was willing to marry him but looking back, I would have been miserable. If you don’t have peace then you need to really consider what you are getting into. Pray, seek counsel from God and people you trust who love you and who wish you the best. The prayer I said when I was going into the New Year was that if this relationship was not God’s best for me, then I wanted God’s best and if God’s best was not the man I was dating, I asked that God take me out of the relationship. God did that 10 days into the new year.

        I wont tell you to leave him but I will say this. Love is accepting a person for who they are. If he never changes (this is more likely than not) are you okay with him the way he is? If this bothers you now trust me it will never stop bothering you. Imagine if you decide to stand up for yourself and begin to push back, what would his reaction be? Would things escalate? I am a little worried that there will be so much strife in your marriage if you are already experiencing issues in a long distance relationship.

        When a guy or girl is not emotionally mature and emotional manipulation is being used that has everything to do with control, lack of regard and may escalate to explosive anger. Things will escalate once this method stops working. I am afraid you are dating and will soon be married to a person that you don’t really know. You are yet to see the real him. The worst place to find out is in marriage because it might be too late. Don’t let anyone fool you, getting a divorce does not just involve paperwork it is a horrible experience to go through. Not too talk of the stress you will experience along the way. It is horrible thing to go through!

        Marriage is to be enjoyed and not endured. You are better of suffering a broken engagement than a marriage.

        There are some people that have commented on how their men were like this and one said her man changed, the other said she had to change. Only you can say what you can and can not endure for a lifetime. There is no guarantee if this guy will change and unless you are willing to endure this emotional abuse, my advise is don’t settle for less than God’s best for you. This is what God says love is: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

        If yours does not feel like this, then its time for you to think things through and decide. If you break up with him, it will hurt like crazy, you possibly cant imagine life without this person but one thing I can assure you is that you will smile again.

        You deserve to be loved, and loved unconditionally. You can certainly have it- a relationship where you are valued, loved and adored. The man will continually thank God every day knowing that he has found a good thing. Pray and ask God to step in. God loves you so much and he wants the best for you. Involve God in your relationship and you will not go wrong.

      • love February 2, 2016 at 9:33 pm

        Hello dear, please listen to mee, ConcernedFriend and larz. I was in a similar situation myself and what you are experiencing is emotional abuse, quite possibly psychopathy (Google it, I promise it’s real not just an insult). Your peace of mind is far greater. I did not have the best example of marriage growing up but guess what I did the work to make sure I overcome, I sought out counseling and read books. I am still a work progress but the point is for your boo; even though he is broken, he should be the one that wants to change himself and put in the work to do so! Yes broken people need love but they should also want to love themselves. One cannot show love if one does not love oneself. It is not your burden, Do not move forward with any more wedding plans until you have completely satisfied in your mind that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Before you met him, you did not label yourself as Depressed, what will you pass on to your daughters and sons? Emotional abuse is not okay and I can tell you that for free. May God give you the wisdom and strength to do what is right for you and I sincerely hope that he is able to become a better man as well.

  • Beehive February 1, 2016 at 11:38 pm

    Thank you jare @Rhonyi run kor

  • Paradoxical. February 2, 2016 at 1:06 am

    Please, SEEK COUNSELLING together.

    Especially from Christian, many years married, qualified, marital counselling husband and wife team of proven integrity, and experience/marriage worthy of emulation.

    These should be a non-negotiable condition for your getting married to him.

    Please, either on your own with God or with professional help, SORT OUT YOUR OWN SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES. You sound like a very intelligent person from your post yet you don’t seem to be able to see that you deserve and are worth of so much better, neither to properly discern and act on the clear warning signals being given to you by your own self i.e. by your actual self, your real self: your spirit.

    Also, the “”brother-in-law”” situation is a very real issue. You simply must CONSIDER YOURSELF AND YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN, BOTH MALE AND FEMALE.
    Have you and your fiance at down to seriously discuss and agree that his brother is persona non grata and BANNED from your marital home, house, residence, general environment and family? and that this ban will always be made clear to all and any future staff and all your children? Does your fiance have the will to enforce such a ban? especially if his family kick against it and blame you for it?

    Your fiance and his family should also consider staging an intervention on their son and his brother. He is a menace to the society, and it needs to be brought to an end. I don’t know what country he’s in but your fiance and his family should investigate what available options there are for whatever kind of interventions in that country, SA, the West (probably sex rehab and psychiatric), Nigeria (in Nigeria it will most likely involve spiritual, and this is good too; he clearly needs deliverance. Wherever your fiance’s brother is, your fiance should go talk to the deliverance ministers at MFM HQ, by Unilag 2nd/back gate, and ask their counsel and prayers; and he should take a photograph of his brother along; he can also seek an appointment with the G.O. of MFM and take along his brother’s photo for point of contact in prayers. It wouldn’t hurt your fiance to go through the deliverance sessions himself to undo any soul ties and negative/evil residue and/or seed from all the previous heart-breaks and relationships which are making evil transfers/deposits into your relationship).

    Anyway, the point is, whatever you decide, it is non-negotiable that BEFOREHAND:
    your fiance’s personal issues are resolved
    your own personal issues are resolved
    your fiance’s brother (I don’t know if he’ll actually end up becoming your brother-in-law)’s issues are resolved.

  • Bolutife February 2, 2016 at 2:35 am

    The worst thing you can do is to marry a guy who emotionally abuses you. You will keep apologising to him for the rest of your marriage, even when he is wrong. Men who are sensitive like that play on your emotions. Put a stop to that abuse by talking and threatening him about changing or you walk away. Best decision I made in my life was walking away.

  • Idomagirl February 2, 2016 at 3:24 am

    Na wa o. Keeping malice because you didn’t reply his message? Hian. Does he have the emotional maturity for marriage? Have you told him (calmly) how his behavior makes you feel?
    I’m not telling you to quit, but I think you should both go for thorough counselling BEFORE you get married o.

    Also about his brother, does he come around? Are they estranged? I’m asking for the sake of your safety and that of your future kids.

  • sarasa February 2, 2016 at 5:18 am

    Women feel they have to be married no matter what. She knows what she has to do but is in denial.

  • Mrs somebody February 2, 2016 at 7:05 am

    My dear,after reading ur complaint I just shook my head and said someone is going through what I went through. It’s been almost 3years I got married and I faced all these uv talked about in the first year of my marriage. D truth is that I ddnt know he was like that until we got married. While dating,he was the sweetest man on earth..forgave all my wrongdoings etc but after marriage every thing changed for the worst…i cried every day and night..he keeps malice with me for up to a week and this is some one I slept and woke up with on the same bed but no matter how angry he was,he never rose his hands against me. And since I was already married and pregnant there was no opting out for me…den I decided to pray myself out of my misery and believe it or not miracles still happen…he is a totally different person now and couldn’t have asked for a better husband..why I am narrating all these is that people change but the truth is that if I knew he had that behaviour bfr marriage I would not have married him…so its up to you ,would you rather marry him that way and pray for him to change after seeing all these bfr saying I do or would you walk away while you can…if you believe in God talk to him and ask for answers because its not an easy behaviour to change believe me,I have been there… sometimes, before Joy comes the storm…… . Good luck sister!!!

  • Nma February 2, 2016 at 8:58 am

    I am in that exact position now. It’s been 5 days and we are still not talking. It’s been 10 long years, these abuses might also physical .
    Just think deep,brace up and plunge in if u ve made up ur mind. Truth be told, it so tasking, emotional draining. U keep walking on eggshells.
    Hmmmmm. Just think deep shaa.
    Me. Stimes I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

  • papermoon February 2, 2016 at 9:49 am

    Think haaarrrrdddd, you might be seeing how life with him will be for the rest of your life. it difficult for people to see the flaws in their own character, especially when its normal to them, but hei you never know. he may change, he may not change. You have to decide if you can live with that.. Everyone has their limits, what is yours?

  • kehinde February 2, 2016 at 10:43 am

    Well, fantastic comment!

    I feel He doesn’t love her. He is not convinced of your being together… Poster, I am a guy… He will run nuts if he really loves you. HE DOESN’T. TAKE IT FROM ME.

  • zeezee February 2, 2016 at 11:02 am

    I like how many of the people giving advice to stay are married and have experienced the same thing earlier in their marriages, and overcome; on the other hand, many of those saying “run” aren’t married, or haven’t experienced something similar.

  • kk February 2, 2016 at 12:29 pm

    My dear, I think I totally understand. I know someone like that too. Just help him through. If you will agree with me, they are willing to listen, so most times,tell him to be more relaxed. He’ll change with time. And you can cope,i just think so. As for the “family drama”, I’m not aware… Good luck

  • Meenah February 2, 2016 at 1:26 pm

    As a woman married to a man that can stay”upset” for days of which believe me there was no sign of this trait at all during our several years of courtship. I tell you ,if he is doing this while dating and across the ocean( i assume you are in different countries) it would get worse. Its nothing to do with sensitivity i believe its a deliberate attempt to ” show” “punish” you by withdrawing from you. However that being said, all hope isnt lost talk through it and see if things would get better you may need to involve a neutral third party. It took another close couple who we both respect to help my husband see how his actions come across and we are still not totally out of the woods.
    Wish you the best!

  • larz February 2, 2016 at 3:02 pm

    Everyone is asking you why bring up his brother’s situation. For me, it is simple, you have two brothers, one is physically abusive and the other one is emotionally abusive. They both share the similar childhood- it is worth noting. That said, if you guys both live in the same city or town, I would have encouraged you to take your time and study him well before committing. In closer proximity, you can determine if you can/ cant handle his drama. However, the distance between you guys means you wont get a proper assessment until you guys get married. This cant be helped by the distance in your relationship. Because of you inability to assess further through being in closer proximity, I suggest you throw in the towel.

    Lots of people are suggesting you get married and divorce if it doesn’t work out. That is not acceptable in my own opinion. You shouldn’t get married when there is a strong chance you might get divorced, As at the time, you say I do, you shud believe you have a shot at being together forever.

  • ForTheRightsOfMen February 2, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    From a man’s point of view, I hate to admit this but it is unlikely that your boyfriend will change his sensitive nature. Don’t make the mistake that you will go into a marriage believing that you can change a man’s ways. And because other boyfriends-now turned-husbands with sensitive nature like him have changed does not necessarily mean that yours will do the same too. Putting that aside, being ultra-sensitive is part of what makes him a man that you are still in a relationship with and whom you love (I believe) and want to marry. However, with prayers and faith in God you can achieve all things. If you love him, it makes it easier for you to tolerate his ultra-sensitivities. There are many ways you can deal with emotionally sensitive spouses. Abeg, educate yourself. Go, buy and read some secular and religious books about dealing with a sensitive spouse. But above all, be honest with yourself. Irrespective of what everyone says here, ask yourself what do you really want and what can you put up with in a marriage in case the evolution does not meet your expectation? If you want to end it pray and discuss it with him and if you want to head to the alter with him then ask God for daily extravagance grace. Knowing that you made the right decision, you will be happy.

  • Mr Incredible February 3, 2016 at 12:45 pm

    When I saw this post I quickly jumped on it and read it very well including the comments. I am going thru a break up right now, my girlfriend of 6 years had decided to end our relationship just a few months before we get married because I have been emotionally abusing her and making her cry over little things and things I was suspecting that were not there at all.

    One thing I will tell you is that I did not see what I was doing to the woman who loved me and I loved. I used to not answer back her texts or calls if I was annoyed. Sometimes we would go for weeks without talking and I would keep this attitude all this time, often times expecting her to understand me and my point of view. It got worse because when my drinking got worse so did my abuse.

    One time we were arguing over something when I was drunk and I pushed her out of the car in front of our children on our engagement day while I kept telling her how she should appreciate the expensive ring I bought her. When I got sober the next day I pleaded for her to forgive me and she did. She is a quite woman so she doesn’t stress her point too much, she just don’t me she didn’t like this behavior and that I had scared her.

    I calmed down and promised to change but a few month later we had an argument over a text message that she didn’t reply to on time and I went to her auntie’s place to see her and reconcile, but I was so drunk that things got out of control and I broke things her in her aunties house in my anger. I did not beat her, but you can clearly see that I was tearing her apart emotionally she cried so much and her aunt chased her from the home so went to live with a friend for a few days.

    When I realized what I had done I almost took my own life, but she came to see me and we reconciled and decided to move in together.

    When we moved in together we had another fight and I was drunk again. I lost it and verbally abused her and said a lot of things that were not even there. She was curled up in bed crying while I paced our bedroom in anger. I called her sister, who lived near us to come and help us. She came that night and things calmed down.

    We reconciled for the third time and I took it upon my self to stop drinking alcohol because the all the times when things got out of control i was drunk. But more so I decided to quit because I was hurting the woman who loved me and had been there for me.
    We decided to seek counseling and also see out priest at church to help us. We even attended two counseling sessions but one day she just told me that her heart was not in the relationship anymore.

    We decided to involve our families to help us and I apologized to her family for everything I had done but she insisted that she did not want the relationship anymore. We have broken up for good and don’t talk even more even though her family is yet to pay back the bride price I had paid.

    As I write this I have gone 5 months without a drop of alcohol in my body but this is not what was making me abusive and so irrational. I had a lot of issues and it was not until I started praying and asking God to help me did I start to change and see what I was doing wrong. Also I moved next to my aunt who has been counseling me and helping me deal with my issues.

    I am a great guy, I am good looking and I go out of my way to help others because I really care but I used to really have a temper and hold a grudge even against other people. Now I am turned a leaf and I am using my sensitivity for the way it was supposed to be and not use it to lash out at every little annoyance that comes my way.

    So Depressed please leave that relationship but before you do sit your man down and really talk to him about his behavior and make his see your point of view. Also both of you should seek help. For now postpone the marriage so that he can deal with his issues because trust me if he does not deal with them it will get worse in marriage because of the closeness. I thank God I never hit my ex, but I realise that the emotional abuse was equally bad and I don’t know what I did to her self esteem.

    I lost the love of my life but she is better off without the abusive person I was. I have completely made a turn around and I don’t even crave alcohol or lose my temper over small things. I used to be so judgmental and so vengeful but I am more patient now and I know God is still working on me to make me the best person I can be.

    I miss her so much and know she misses me too because we knew each other for a long time before we became lovers but I know that she is happy now without someone judging her, criticizing her and expecting her to be perfect

    I am not mad that she decided to call off our wedding, I totally understand because I have a daughter and I would never want her to be with an abusive person, even just a little bit. I totally understand why she broke it off and I think that it was for the best of both of us that it had to end. I don’t plan to start dating soon and I don’t see myself with anyone because I am still a work in progress and I am not ready for relationship, besides I feel like it would be disrespectful of me to jump into a relationship after everything I did to her. I am still loyal to her during this time that we are still going through the break up and even after we finally end it with out families I do not want to be with anyone else.

    I feel sorry that she trusted me to complete her and love her but I ended up breaking her heart and making her lose faith in love. But I thank God that she called it off because it we had gotten married it would have gotten worse and maybe I would gotten physical with her.
    Our break up, tho painful and heartbreaking for the both of us, has made me a better person and shown me the things I never used to see.

    So if there is a guy reading this and you are the sensitive type like I was, stop it. Get some help, start praying and treat your woman right the way God says we should treat women.
    I learned my lessons and hope someone doesn’t have to lose a good woman like I did.

  • Debutante February 3, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    Thank you for sharing your experience, your honesty about the part you played in the events that unfolded in your relationship, really shows how far you have come. Truly, your ex made the best decision for both of you. I wish you all the best for the future.
    @Depressed, I believe you know exactly what you need to do now. .

  • sassyneedle February 3, 2016 at 4:51 pm

    Jeeez!!! The comments though. When did women become so self- absorbed and apathetic?? What ever happened to true love?? U know, 1 corinthians 13:4-7. U love him and u’re convinced he loves u. Why not try and make it work?? Remember that the woman was created to help the man. This is his own personal demon, and u just want to flee and leave him?? To where if i may ask?? Into the arms of yet another man who has is own demons and imperfections and failings?? Nobody (man or woman) is perfect. Not even u. And i don’t think he’s acting this way to deliberately hurt u. U already said he’s got emotional baggage which he’s been honest about. Why don’t u help him work out his inner turmoil?? Opening up about emotional brokenness is one of the toughest things a man can do. Hurting him after he’s done this will only add more baggage to his burden. Seek counselling, seek God, communication is key. Make him understand how he makes u feel with the pettiness. I think he’s a genuinely good man and it would be regretful to throw all that away just because of a few emotional hiccups. Also, u would be marrying him and not his brother. He has made efforts to distance himself from his brother’s proclivitie and that only further emphasises the fact that he’s responsible. Pray, pray and keep praying. It will all work out in the end. Give it ur best shot and if no change is seen, then u can move on. It won’t be easy, but u would be doing it for all the right reasons. I know u’re exasperated because the wedding date is almost here, but these 2 months are very crucial. They can make or marr ur marriage. But never u give up without trying. Goodluck and Godspeed.

  • spotty chick February 3, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    To think other people are going through the same issues makes me feel better. My boyfriend hasn’t spoken to me in 10days over a little misunderstanding. he does this over and over again every time we have an argument and I’m made to look like the constant offender cause I’m constantly apologising. I’m so sick and tired of tip toeing around his feelings , but I can’t easily let go. I really don’t know what to do. I’m so miserable half of the time and I know this is no way to go about a relationship.

  • Bee February 4, 2016 at 4:17 am

    You know what I feel like you are dating my ex,without the brother being a rapist part. It will drain you trust me. Only if you are very patient. This one pushed me to the wall after keeping malice with me for like 2month’s and yes I mean it 2months and some days,home boy didn’t speak to me. I used my brain and called things off, a relationship of almost 4years. I have no regrets, I thank God for the strength and wisdom to move on. To the entire world he looked like the perfect loving guy, and yes he was loving. But I apologized for even his bad behavior towards me. That’s not the kind of marriage I want. What he did after I broke up with him in a bid to get back t me was even worse. So I knew it was a blessing calling things off. You are the only one who knows what you want for your life and what you can take vs what you cannot take. Weigh your options. I pray God leads you.

  • lovely February 10, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    Let’s face the truth. U are not God u can’t change him. I had such experience in a past relationship and u won’t belief he never changed sometimes I have to apologize even when he is wrong. So my dear if u really love him then u have to be ready for things worse than wat u are facing now. But u still have enough time to chose wat is best for u.

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