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How to leave a bad relationship

BellaNaija.com

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heartbreakIn Nigeria, especially when you are a woman of a certain age (Basically 24 and over), a breakup is treated like a death by many around you.
“Ah ah after all you have invested in the relationship”
“Don’t let another woman come and enjoy your work o”
“So what if he cheated on you/never called you/slapped you/was a terrible boyfriend/You don’t love him, all men are like that now, he will change”

You hear all sorts of things from all sources, mums/aunties/friends etc…
Even in situations when its not technically a “bad” relationship, sometimes you just know he is not the person you are meant to be with but because of pressure stick with it.
When I spotted this article, thought it was helpful and might help someone.

Article by Liz Wilde
Source: The Daily Mail
Falling into a relationship is easy. But extricating yourself from one is quite another matter. Most of us will do all we can to put off confrontation – but the cleaner the break, the easier it will be for both of you to move on.

Life coach and author LIZ WILDE explains why we hang onto toxic relationships, and gives some tips on how to start over.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR

Women tend to be better than men at making excuses for their partner’s apathy.

He never rings when he says he will? He must be very busy at work.

But our natural understanding can blind us to the truth. People show us who they are all the time, we just have to be brave enough to listen.

Stop making excuses for him, and suddenly you can see your relationship far more clearly – and whether you still want to be part of it.

The most common cause of anger at the end of any relationship is a sense of betrayal triggered by the fantasy one partner has created about the other.

DON’T WASTE MORE TIME DEFENDING YOUR MISTAKE

How many years are you going to wait for that wonderful man you fell in love with to re-appear?

No one wants to be proved wrong, which is why so many of us choose to stick with a bad relationship rather than admit we made a bad choice.

But staying in an unhappy relationship for five years is a mistake – and staying in it for a lifetime is a catastrophe.

Far better to stop defending the decision you made way back when and start considering a new decision based on what’s happening now.

Life can be hard enough without choosing someone difficult to share it with. No one finds it easy to end a relationship, but the sooner you recognise what’s happening and take control, the less hurt you will suffer.

REMEMBER WHO YOU USED TO BE

Women are also more likely than men to make changes during a relationship, and it’s easy to forget you were once an independent person with an enjoyable life.

Now is the time to review those changes. Perhaps there are friends you stopped seeing because he didn’t like them, or interests you no longer had time for?

People who socialise recover more quickly from a break-up, and being with friends who are fond of you feels good.

The best partners are people who like themselves. Resolve to be that person and your choice in men will improve.

Why? Because we only go after what we think we deserve.

SET NEW RELATIONSHIP STANDARDS

The fear of history repeating itself stops many of us from enjoying dating again, but you can protect yourself from previous mistakes by compiling a list of standards for potential new partners.

Choose behaviours that have hurt you in the past, and begin each sentence with: ‘I will not go out with a man who… doesn’t do what he says he will / makes me feel stupid / refuses to talk about the future / never has any free time.’

The best partner is someone who shares your values.

If you couldn’t live with yourself if you acted that way, the chances are you will find it very difficult to live with him.

Always bear in mind that it’s far easier to choose well in the first place than attempt to change a person six months down the line.

BELIEVE THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER OUT THERE

The only way to find out if there’s someone better for you out there is to first believe it could be true.

There is never a good reason to give up hope, so stay away from doom-and-gloom stories, and change the subject when friends complain there are no good men left.

And don’t be put off by a string of bad relationships. It doesn’t mean you’re hopeless at picking people – we’re all guilty of showing our very best side at the beginning.

It just means that when the danger signs started to show, you chose to ignore them. Being ‘unlucky in love’ simply means you haven’t got out of bad relationships fast enough.

DON’T EXPECT TO BE HAPPY IMMEDIATELY

The reason so many people rebound back into bad relationships is because they expect to be happy the minute they leave.

But you left to give yourself the chance to find happiness. It’s like cleaning out a room so you can start to repaint.

It doesn’t have to happen today, but know that you are working towards it every day. When you believe you can be successful, you lose that (hugely unattractive) feeling of desperation.

Meeting new men and flirting can become a pleasure as you’re not constantly worrying about the outcome. When you’re not in a hurry, you can enjoy people for who they are.

And despite all their problems, relationships are still the very best things in life.

For more information, visit wildelifecoaching.com

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27 Comments

  1. theodora

    March 23, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Bella Bella!! I love U and God bless you for this post. It is so personalized to me and can identify with it. The secret of getting out of an unfruitful relationship is to reach for the depth of strength inside of you every woman has it. Once you discover it..it takes less time for the hurt to heal and you regain most of the things you lost emotionally.

  2. tisha

    March 23, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    this is nice bella, a quick help
    for the physical
    thanks, i learnt something
    sha

  3. lala

    March 25, 2010 at 8:01 am

    Thank you Bella.
    This was helpful

  4. Trendy

    April 3, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    It takes a lot of courage to leave a long-term relationship, don’t expect to meet someone wonderful soon, you will probably have to go thru two to three more jerks before Mr. Wonderful shows up, but he will come. Remember ladies, a relationship should be enjoyed, not endured.

  5. Alero

    April 15, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    very useful comment.

  6. zingy

    April 26, 2010 at 4:31 am

    How do you move on after over 20 years of marriage that you are enduring? I have never cheated on my husband and he has done it over and over again. I am looking forward to a change… what do I do?

  7. Nina

    April 28, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    I am so tired of the relationship I’m in. I am currently expecting & I have cheated on my husband because he cheated contionusly & got some1 pregnant. How do you move on? I want to so leave but I have no shelter or money to cope with life. The relationship between us is so dead. Any suggestions?? Thanks.

  8. kech

    April 28, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    babe the truth is, u have got to endure it because u are married and our religions do not encourage a move 2 quit by a woman. God is the best friend u have now. Cling to him with child like trust and faith; and he will sustain you and cause a change in ur marriage. Only believe.

  9. toskanini

    April 29, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    i rili do not know wat 2 do, bcus am in love wit a married man and he loves me
    too,pls i rili can not end this relationship and i need ur advice…..

  10. 50thlaw

    May 5, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    nice post bella. quite a good thang for me. tho im a guy, i relate a little to dis post. i think it both applies to men.

  11. Joy

    May 8, 2010 at 2:02 am

    yes ladies– know your worth– do not settle!

  12. Ellen

    May 26, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    thank you for this publication, this is my first time here. Great work!

  13. jennietobbie

    May 28, 2010 at 2:32 am

    amazing……Women, we are so worth it….we are priceless…..it’s our way or the highway….just kidding. But on a serious note, never ever settle and dont let anyone tell you that your expectations are far-fetched We are amazing individuals and we have to aspire to be the best because we deserve the best. if it is not working, please let go and you will be happy someday. Muah to all the responsible ladies and gents out there. Jennietobbie loves you load….

  14. ifeoma

    July 13, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    thanks bella i learnt alot on this post.

  15. sheila

    July 20, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    Thanks,

  16. sheila

    July 20, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    Thanks bella, really needed this talk. learnt a lot.

  17. ngozi

    August 24, 2010 at 10:01 am

    this is really wonderfull and helpful,thanks bell, i have learnt alesson from it.

  18. Lilah

    October 6, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    Confused:
    I have been in a bad relationship for over Seven years now, what makes it so bad is that drugs took the love of my life away from me and my daughter! which has pushed me to cheat which is so not like me, with out of all people a married man!! Sometimes i think its faith because he is going thru the same thing with his wife, i know this is all wrong but i’m really scared to walk away from my boyfriend i feel that he would do something stupid; and the only people who will suffer from this would be my daughter and me! I need advice HELP.

  19. oharis joycee

    October 19, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Nice talk bella, you have really, really giving me some encouragement to go into another relationship after a heartbreak.Thanks

  20. laraak

    November 30, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Nice one Bella.frankly speaking i ave a jotter by my side each time am about to login,this really helps,cos my bf is a jerk,

  21. lauryn

    December 11, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    the funny thing is am in a relationship…i can see the signs…..we have a soul tie but i dont have the strength to leave……we are engaged…he is abroad and am meant to join him in a like four weeks for school.but he isnt what he was in the beggining.he is always busy.always in class.i mean posygrad is hard but so is life and when ure planning to get married….u need to invest time…im in a fix and i need the strengh to move on …because as is i dont have it,.help

  22. Dayo

    February 7, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Dis was nyc. 4 d gal who’s in a relatnship with a married man, i dnt know how late dis post is bt it’ll help odas if it’s too late 4 u. Pls leave d relationship. You can do so much better than a married man. If you get him to leave his wife then there’s every possibility someone else will get him to leave you down d line. Afterall he has once professed to love his wife same way he’s doin to you. You need 2 work on your self esteem then you’ll realize there’s someone beta for you out there.

  23. Dayo

    February 7, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    The lady who is stuck in a loveless marriage. Lyk sm1 said, our african culture doesnt support divorce, neither does God. However, God wnt want u 2spend d rest of ur life enduring so he can change tins 4u. U have 2sit ur husband down and have a real heart to heart with him. Dnt tell him wat a bad person he’s been. Just tell him how u view tins witout pointing fingers. Tell him u are willing to work it all out. After that, get to God and pour your heart out to him. There really is nothing impossible 4 him. It’s nt going to be an over night change bt it’ll happen. Get Cece winas’ Cd “JUST LIKE THAT” and listen to it. GOD BLESS AND STRENGHTEN YOU

  24. Ada

    April 19, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Great work, thanks

  25. regina

    August 30, 2011 at 7:02 am

    Sometimes,I think I have wasted d last 2years of my life with my bf.He has a close female friend with whom he has been friends for the last 7years.They called each oda all d time n exchange txt msgs.He even sent her a bb on her birthday dis year.He has her pix in his wallet n even has d password to her email adds.He claims dere’s nothing btw btw dem,bt I do not believe.This same friendship brought an end to d relationship he was in before he met me.I really want to quit,bt dnt know how.

  26. Funke

    November 25, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Bella. I must say u have done a grt job 4 me. I was recently used and dumped by a man i really loved. My case is complicated. It is so hurtful and painful but i have learnt to move on. it is nt that easy but with what i have read tonite, i will gather the strength to carry on. You really inspired me. Thanks alot.

  27. Anita

    March 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    This is a good one 4 all singles out there.The truth is i have made some research and i discovered that great men and women who made difference in world never allowed anyone or anything to stand in their way.Honestly speaking emotional trauma is the greatest set back anyone can have.Singles lets be wise.Our Purpose is primary

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