In Nigeria, especially when you are a woman of a certain age (Basically 24 and over), a breakup is treated like a death by many around you.
“Ah ah after all you have invested in the relationship”
“Don’t let another woman come and enjoy your work o”
“So what if he cheated on you/never called you/slapped you/was a terrible boyfriend/You don’t love him, all men are like that now, he will change”
You hear all sorts of things from all sources, mums/aunties/friends etc…
Even in situations when its not technically a “bad” relationship, sometimes you just know he is not the person you are meant to be with but because of pressure stick with it.
When I spotted this article, thought it was helpful and might help someone.
Article by Liz Wilde
Source: The Daily Mail
Falling into a relationship is easy. But extricating yourself from one is quite another matter. Most of us will do all we can to put off confrontation – but the cleaner the break, the easier it will be for both of you to move on.
Life coach and author LIZ WILDE explains why we hang onto toxic relationships, and gives some tips on how to start over.
STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR
Women tend to be better than men at making excuses for their partner’s apathy.
He never rings when he says he will? He must be very busy at work.
But our natural understanding can blind us to the truth. People show us who they are all the time, we just have to be brave enough to listen.
Stop making excuses for him, and suddenly you can see your relationship far more clearly – and whether you still want to be part of it.
The most common cause of anger at the end of any relationship is a sense of betrayal triggered by the fantasy one partner has created about the other.
DON’T WASTE MORE TIME DEFENDING YOUR MISTAKE
How many years are you going to wait for that wonderful man you fell in love with to re-appear?
No one wants to be proved wrong, which is why so many of us choose to stick with a bad relationship rather than admit we made a bad choice.
But staying in an unhappy relationship for five years is a mistake – and staying in it for a lifetime is a catastrophe.
Far better to stop defending the decision you made way back when and start considering a new decision based on what’s happening now.
Life can be hard enough without choosing someone difficult to share it with. No one finds it easy to end a relationship, but the sooner you recognise what’s happening and take control, the less hurt you will suffer.
REMEMBER WHO YOU USED TO BE
Women are also more likely than men to make changes during a relationship, and it’s easy to forget you were once an independent person with an enjoyable life.
Now is the time to review those changes. Perhaps there are friends you stopped seeing because he didn’t like them, or interests you no longer had time for?
People who socialise recover more quickly from a break-up, and being with friends who are fond of you feels good.
The best partners are people who like themselves. Resolve to be that person and your choice in men will improve.
Why? Because we only go after what we think we deserve.
SET NEW RELATIONSHIP STANDARDS
The fear of history repeating itself stops many of us from enjoying dating again, but you can protect yourself from previous mistakes by compiling a list of standards for potential new partners.
Choose behaviours that have hurt you in the past, and begin each sentence with: ‘I will not go out with a man who… doesn’t do what he says he will / makes me feel stupid / refuses to talk about the future / never has any free time.’
The best partner is someone who shares your values.
If you couldn’t live with yourself if you acted that way, the chances are you will find it very difficult to live with him.
Always bear in mind that it’s far easier to choose well in the first place than attempt to change a person six months down the line.
BELIEVE THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER OUT THERE
The only way to find out if there’s someone better for you out there is to first believe it could be true.
There is never a good reason to give up hope, so stay away from doom-and-gloom stories, and change the subject when friends complain there are no good men left.
And don’t be put off by a string of bad relationships. It doesn’t mean you’re hopeless at picking people – we’re all guilty of showing our very best side at the beginning.
It just means that when the danger signs started to show, you chose to ignore them. Being ‘unlucky in love’ simply means you haven’t got out of bad relationships fast enough.
DON’T EXPECT TO BE HAPPY IMMEDIATELY
The reason so many people rebound back into bad relationships is because they expect to be happy the minute they leave.
But you left to give yourself the chance to find happiness. It’s like cleaning out a room so you can start to repaint.
It doesn’t have to happen today, but know that you are working towards it every day. When you believe you can be successful, you lose that (hugely unattractive) feeling of desperation.
Meeting new men and flirting can become a pleasure as you’re not constantly worrying about the outcome. When you’re not in a hurry, you can enjoy people for who they are.
And despite all their problems, relationships are still the very best things in life.
For more information, visit wildelifecoaching.com