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The Married Woman Without A Head

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Words have a way of deserting me when I need them the most.

The moment after a dear friend confided in me that she was leaving her husband barely a year after getting married to him, was no exception. The words just spread out their wings and flew away into the Literary Sunset or wherever the heck it is they go.

Needless to say, I was Speechless.

What do you say to a friend, not even 30years old, with a baby daughter, who has made up her mind to ditch the man she pledged vows to less than a year ago?

The conventional “Babe why don’t you try to wait it out a bit”’ was finally about to venture out of my mouth, but it seemed her radar picked that up and she proceeded to relate the underground gist as to why her mind can never be changed, to me.

She got married to him after a few months of meeting and dating him. Her major reason for marrying him was that she was pregnant, and her parents would have rather danced naked in the Village Square than to have a daughter pregnant and eventually bear a child out of wedlock.

She did care deeply for him, however, left to her, she would have rather spent some more time getting to know him better, child or not, before taking the plunge. The Good Girl that she is though, she listened to her parents and went ahead with the plan.

It’s not as if the guy himself is some monster that no-one would want to marry; he is tall, good-looking, intelligent, and actually carries himself in a manner that elicits respect from people who come across him.

So my friend just accepted the turn of events as the will of God, and went ahead with it.

Few months down the line and the barely existent Honeymoon was not only over, but long forgotten. The reality of her situation began to dance and jiggle its ugly, scarred body right before her very eyes. What had she gotten herself into?

Her husband was lazy, verbally abusive and a Dreamer who was more interested in creating the illusion of ‘the good life’ than actually going out to hustle to make it happen.

My friend was certain that she had become the victim of a BAD Reality TV show and was constantly praying for the day the Film Crew would run out of their hiding place screaming “GOTCHAAAA!!”

Hours, days, weeks and months passed, and the intensity of her present hell became even more unbearable for her.

Let me pause here to tell you a little bit about my friend:

Aside from the fact that she is incredibly beautiful, articulate and absolute Fun to be with, she is also unbelievably hard-working! This is actually the particular virtue that draws me to her, as I greatly admire her Work Ethic.

She’s the sort of person that would not give herself a breathing moment until a task she has begun is completed and excellent. She would remain at work till Midnight if she had to, just to make sure that everything is done extremely well.

My friend is someone who if she was managing your business, you can go on a Lifetime Vacation, as you have FULL confidence that your business is in the best hands.

So you can imagine the personal torment she was going through watching her husband, whom she was supposed to hold in the highest regard, being slothful and unmotivated.

She spoke to me about the inner rage she felt whenever she watched him try to keep up with his affluent friends and give them the idea that all is well and good with him – on HER money!

As far as she could see now, she had become a mother of two; one a few months old baby, and the other a grown man in his mid 30’s.

She couldn’t believe what was happening to her, and so tried to gain some sanity about the issue, by talking to her mother and close family members. In the opinions of those, ANY situation was by far more bearable than that of a single mother in her 20’s, so they told her to ‘manage’, ‘be patient’, and to ‘support’ her husband.

She meekly heeded the advice of her elders once again, after all they know better, and went to be the submissive wife they had told her to be.

She encouraged him by gently telling him everything would be alright when he complained about how difficult Nigeria is for him. Deep inside her, she really felt like kicking him and pushing him out of the house to go and hustle or get a job, ANY job, like the millions of diligent, self-respecting men that hustled the streets of Lagos everyday.

But instead, she rubbed his back and said sweet words to him, while feeding him, buying his petrol, and supporting his false and extravagant lifestyle.

Very soon, she found herself skipping lunches at work because she had to reserve the money to buy Pampers for her child.

Not too long after, she got to the lowest of lows, as she had to begin pawning her jewelry and designer bags just so they could have food to eat.

She kept all these to herself of course, and played along with the ‘We are a young, affluent couple’ image her husband was bent on portraying to the world.

Anyway, it only got consistently worse and she soon made her decision. She couldn’t do it anymore!!

At that point, she shut her ears to her mother’s predictions of doom, and any other voice that was contrary to her decision. She finally released ALL the pent-up rage she had acquired while being the ‘Supportive’ and ‘Submissive’ wife and began to say the things that she really felt to her husband.

With her mind made up, she felt there was no point hiding her anger, distaste, and disgust at the man she had married, and whom she felt ashamed was actually the father of her child. She unleashed her inner Bitch, and I’m certain her husband got a full load of the UGLY side of his Bride.

Now, I believe that there are two sides to every story, and I haven’t heard the husband’s side, so I CANNOT make any personal judgments about him.

However, this is a very REAL situation especially here in Lagos. I know a number of women who have and are still walking these shoes.

What is happening to this generation of Nigerian men? It seems that unlike their fathers, they have become quite comfortable in letting a woman take care of all or most of their financial needs.

Otis Redding famously asked for R-E-S-P-E-C-T in his famous track which was redone by Aretha Franklin. They say that’s what a man wants the most from his woman.

But how is it possible to respect a man who fails to step up to his traditional role as ‘The Head’. Forget all that New Age crap that says respective roles in a Marriage should not be carved in stone. The average Nigerian and African man believes that he is the ‘Head’ and wants to be accorded the RESPECT and everything he feels that affords him.

Being ‘The Head’ entails providing, loving and protecting; however many young women today, are thrust into compromising situations out of the desperation that comes with having to go out and fend for both their Men and their family.

The Vultures out there sniff on their Desperation and prey on it. And you have a ‘Head’ at home?!

As I listened to my friend and as I’ve also heard the stories of other women in this same boat, I’ve realized that one of the worst things that can happen to ANY woman is to have a Man she cannot Respect.

If you are married and this is your experience, the choice my friend made is not the only solution, but be wise in whatever you choose to do. Do what’s best for your family, which includes your Husband, because let’s face it, you did make a Vow.

Men, PLEASE step up your game abeg!

For us Single Ladies, all I can say is SHINE YOUR EYE OOOOO!

May God help us ALL.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Tari’s Blog is www.tariere.blogspot.com

Tari Ekiyor is a Writer, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Servant, Leader, and most importantly, a Lover.

80 Comments

  1. jessy

    July 14, 2010 at 5:50 am

    yea luv ur article ………………u’ve said it all single ladies SHINE UR EYE OOOOOOOO marriage na long thing oh! dat’s y we need GOD b4 lookin into marriage. Eya sry 4 ur friend dat couldn’t wait b4 gettin pregnant and we all know sex b4 marriage is SIN, guess dat’s a consequence dey’ve got 2 face ……..dere re consequence 4 sins, so my fellow friends watch ur step

  2. uneks

    July 14, 2010 at 6:55 am

    I feel so sorry for ur friend and I really wonder when men will stop treatin their wives this way. Any woman in this kind of situation,best thing for me is LEAVE no matter how difficult it seems

  3. Midwest?

    July 14, 2010 at 6:57 am

    Oh boy! I was certain you were writing about a girlfriend of mine whose story is EXACTLY like tthe one you published. The babe got pregnant and found out that the bobo was lazier than a sloth on a 100 degree day! Abeg people open your eyes when you begin to date these men and women, dont let the excitement of being in a relationship cloud your better judgement!

  4. allison

    July 14, 2010 at 6:58 am

    i am american, it is a problem here too. you have make good choices BEFOREhand because many times you never know what u r gonna get til your in it. so getting trapped is not a good thing. Plan A is if he doesn’t want to wait and work to EARN you by maintaining your purity he will think its okay to RUN over you when you get married. i mean who paid for the wedding? did he have any money then. but if you dont get trapped u get PLan A, if you get trapped, you have Plan b and have to make due.

  5. funmi

    July 14, 2010 at 8:32 am

    i really feel sorry 4 ur friend….the second best thing to do in this situation is to hold on tight to ur money and valuables and do not indulge him in anyway….give him only the essentials. food. If he cant buy fuel 4 himself he suld catch molue bus…..i dobt even undetsand why a woman would even support that kind of lifestle when the security of her child is in jeorpardy. I wont divorce you but u wont see a dime from me…the 3 square meal u will be gettin will be all. since i gotta pay for the house and every other darn thing. Its our parents dat are driving us into these kind of marriages and they foolishly expect us to stay there and suffer. its really sad.

  6. fokasibe

    July 14, 2010 at 9:34 am

    You see why I always tell people never to let ANYONE, esp their parents decide on when to get or whom to get married to? At the end of the day, they’ll be wishing they’d let her be single mum or not. Now they’ll have a divorcee on their hands. Too sad! Since they are thinking first of their family image instead of placing their daughters’ future first, they will have to wake up and smell the coffee!!

    I’m sorry, I will not excuse your friend either, I have friends in fairly similar situations….she has made her bed and so SHE not her parents must lie on it. No excuses, no mymummymademedoit, it was ultimately HER decision and she made a bad choice so I wish her best of luck in her future… the saddest part of the story is the child! Hmm….may God protect His own….

  7. CC

    July 14, 2010 at 9:47 am

    Emm, how come your friend couldn’t figure out the guy was a dreamer, verbally abusive and lazy, prior to sleeping with him and getting pregnant? Was she shallow, desperate or suffering from self-esteem issues when she agreed to date the guy and allow herself to get pregnant? Was she so distracted by the packaging, she couldn’t sit back for one second and think with her head in the months it took her to collect belle? Your friend’s ordeal is usually the the result of all this indomie “add water and stir” love, hopefully someone can learn from her mistake, starting with her.

  8. Judith

    July 14, 2010 at 10:18 am

    While I respect Tari as a writer this story just does not pull at my heartstrings.

    1. No one asked you not to be smart. If u must indulge in sexx outside marriage, use a rubber, d morning after pill, d coil anything. USE SOMETHING.

    2 Failing the advise in 1 above and you get pregnant no one tied u like a mellu to the alter, u could have stood ur ground and decided not to get married.I know its ez to say but ehm no so we see am.

    3 Y did she have to spend her money just so her and d SLOTH could keep up with the ”AFFLUENT” lifestyle.Tari deep in ur heart u know ur friend also wanted such a lifestyle so quit blaming it on d SLOTH. i have neva in my life met pple like Nigerians who would rather soak garri and not pay their bills at d end of d month just so they have money to pop moet in d club or buy d latest bag. If u can’t afford , dnt buy it. As for me my friends know me, i dnt play like that oh, i tell u hoha, i can’t afford it i ain;t buying it Chikena.

    4 Y are u complaining about men becoming lazy these days.comon i know many girls who practically are d ones dating their bf’s.chase them(not saying there is anything wrong with that oh) and start buying them expensive goods just so lover boy does not look elsewhere.

    abeg women should stop deceiving themselves, we used our own hands to create these so called men without respect.

    • Bube

      September 8, 2010 at 5:17 pm

      thank u very much Judith, you see the problem that many female Nigerians have is the falsehood of nature. The idea that my mates are married or in serious rshp and i must be, my mates got d best looking rich guy in town. Girls virtually chase men even the ones wey no get dia time….they keep pushing. We need to understand the bibile principles behind rshp(marriage) ladies hold urself and stop trying to be like d lady next door because if you choose to be stupid in the name of love then be prepared to be an endurer, a divorcee or on your own(dat time, shame will be ur closest friend)

  9. beezy

    July 14, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Women…….all we do is point fingers….
    I feel sorry for your friend and all…no woman deserves such a man…
    But u describe her as very hardworking with a strong work ethic…
    So correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t such a woman spot a lazy man from light miles away?
    Again I say, its sad what she’s going through, but she shouldn’t play the victim
    …… It was HER who closed her eyes all this while……
    And ladies, If ur shaggin a man just for heck of it…please use a condom jor!!!

  10. Koinonia01

    July 14, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Your friend’s story generates a lot of compassion not just from me but obviously from previous
    people who have commented. In my opinion (Kindly note that I said MY) marriage
    is a lifetime commitment and by virtue of this I don’t believe one should walk out the
    door based on one’s husband’s laziness (In the case of physical abuse abuse I would
    recommend seperation till the abuser has been certified a changed person). I’m not
    encouraging her husband’s laziness but truth be told, she may have seen traces of this during
    courtship, which she brushed aside like most of us do and believe that he will change, but as
    the elders say men……. and even we women put their best foot forward during courtship
    i.e. the smoke we see during courtship generates into a bonfire in marriage. The worst
    mistake of all is to think we can change a man. You can’t even change yourself
    let alone another human being. At best you can modify their behaviour.

    I believe two wrongs don’t make a right.
    As you have highlighted above, your friend is very hardworking and can even work till
    midnight to meet a deadline. I would advise that she puts in at least half of that strong will
    into her marriage (Which she tried to do before) coupled with wisdom and prayers and the situation will get better.

    As the Bible says, the wife is a help mate
    Agreed, she isn’t playing the role of the helpmate here but that of the head (As she is a provider)
    she should keep helping in her own capacity fulfill her own side of the covenant (For better or worse) and it may take time but things will get better.

    A final word for the single ladies – Dating is a time for interviews and not a time to get knocked up.
    Danger signals during courtship become sirens in marriage. Shine your eyes well well o!!!

  11. bcgeorge

    July 14, 2010 at 10:48 am

    uhm…tins dey hapn oh….i cnt pass judgement cos ivnt hrd d othr side f d story. that said,i tink ur friend acted stupidly by tinkin she cn eat her cake and stil av it….u got pregnant(who does dat dis days) fr sumwhr u barely knw and went ahead to marry him cos ur parent said so……..i tink she’s greedy dats why she cldnt see d handwritin on d wall before hand( she fell fr swagga..lol)…pardon mi
    …but lets be objective,evry1 knws d situaion of economy rite now( iv nt earned salary in 5mnths nw evn in an oil and gas coy) and it saddens my heart wen my married coligs narrate ow thr wives av bin d ones callin d shot @ home…..so wots d big deal…ur friend shd chill out…who knws dis guy fit hammer 2maw again and evry thingy wld be perfect jst lyk gud old days….boiz shine ur eyes too…no money no honey….two can sure play d game…praaaa!!!

  12. tblaze

    July 14, 2010 at 11:18 am

    i tink d msg is clear women close ur legs until u get married…if she wasn’t pregnant she would not ve been forced to marry him quickly..if the dude can’t wait until u’re married f*** him u’ll meet some one better..

  13. Aderonke Tee

    July 14, 2010 at 11:22 am

    say No to P.I.M (Pregnancy Induced Marriage)

    and Ladies, please stop having unprotected sex… ahn ahn… how many times do we have to tell y’all!

    p.s

    @Funmi,
    Please don’t let us blame our parents for this! A lot of chics out there are out for the ‘Paper’ or the appearance of it, they are also in some invicible competition with some other girls to get married and ‘settle down’! Not much settlement I see when you are bearing the financial burden of your kid and the emotional trauma of living with a slothful man who wants to shag u when all is said and done!

    Like Tari said, Shine Your Eyes!

  14. Otaki

    July 14, 2010 at 11:46 am

    worst case scenario, i think id rather be a single mother and wait for some guy to come love me unconditionally than be a divorcee and a mother altogether. one wahala is enuf.

  15. Damola

    July 14, 2010 at 11:57 am

    ‎​True talk, but if I could respond to that I’d say yes def shine your eye and stop following champagne poppers. But una too like good life…its the single commandment of the CON. Only greedy people get caught. You can’t have your cake and eat it. Fine boy, has plenty money doesn’t know what to do with it. (Too good to be true) our mothers married our fathers fresh out of school, from ground zero and together they built their fortunes. She mended his thorn trousers and more. He wasn’t poppin off in rehab but he had potencial. Women before looked for potencial so they didn’t end up with Lazy men. Women now look for men living lavida loca, but how many of them can actually trace the source of the money and be sure that it will last and is it an indication of how ambitious he is?‎​Not that this relates to your friends story exactly. But if she was careful about picking her companions perhaps she could have accidentally gotten preganant for a man who would have made her happy regardless.

  16. Lola

    July 14, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    At least 60% of all married women today are in this situation, brought upon by the mentality of trying to help. Tell the truth, how many times have you bought groceries from your pocket in an emergency only for him to slow down when the next batch is due to be purchased – hoping you’ll pick up the tab again? We all know its true. You need to put your foot down EVERYTIME something’s due else you’re just entrenching his slothfulness!! REFUSE to pick up tabs for him! How the hell did he even get to know how much you earn, ehn?! Men will automatically have a budget for any money in their wives possession, even if they don’t ‘take’ it – its PROVEN ask your Mum!!. The wives whose husbands pick up their bills ALWAYS DEMAND for it when its due – like clockwork so he’s doing it like he’s automated. Its sad sad sad but men no longer have any shame!! And to all the sigles ladies blaming her and swearing the ‘shine your eye’ mantra, shine am well o! The fronts men present are so darn believable these days, you’ve got to just join it with lots of prayers.

    The sad truth is when they split up, the guy will probably just ‘confide’ in his friends that he caught her cheating and had to let her go, and wait for the next ‘mumu’ to snag ‘the bloke who some idiot was stupid enough to let go of’! Sigh…….dis life, not fair at all.

  17. babylawyer

    July 14, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    i like tblaze’s recommendation.

  18. sisi

    July 14, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    the truth is that this is the new marriage thing.
    why should the woman be the head even if she married becos she get belly?
    in the beginning it wasn’t so…

    look, a woman cleans the house, cooks, take care of the baby and if she is
    working the man expects her to share the bills. so what then is his role? mortage or rent alone?
    once she gets a job that pays more (or the same) as the man, she will be told to also pay
    daycare/school fees.

    i think women should work part time for themselves and the kids and full time
    at home, if he doesnt provide he wont eat!!

  19. judith

    July 14, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    @:Lola
    my sister biko where did u get this ur 60% from.

  20. My2cents

    July 14, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    The big question is, was he working when they were dating or this ‘no job’ situation is a recent development?
    That’s number 1.

    2. Has he refused to get a job or things are just a bit rough right now and she has to pick up the slack?

    3. If she has ALWAYS been the provider, then the man hasn’t changed na… She is the one who has changed by wanting him to become someone else who he has never been….a provider.

    4. does she truly love him? Could it be that she is now realizing how much she doesn’t love this man and has decided to hold on to this as an escape route? I ain’t saying the guy is right but trying to rationalize the whole thing.

    Tari, we love you but this story no complete o. Find the rest of the gist so it can all add up abeg.

    All the same, I feel sorry for her and pray she finds a way

  21. k!

    July 14, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    lol @ indomie “add water and stir” love….

  22. Karimah

    July 14, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    @ My2cents: like u were reading my mind…..
    @ Lola: where did u get ur statistics from???? cause MY FATHER knows how much my mum is paid and he still buys things in d house… even if he didn’t, mumsie knows how 2 get her money back (he wld give her anywayz)… wat is wrong with ur husband knowing how much u earn???? and it is only a llazy man who wld b budgeting for a salary dat isn’t is own… my dear, get ur facts right and stop generalizing cause mayb it happened to you or someone you know…

    fully support Koinonia01. the babe knew wat she was getting into and she closed her eyes to it.. the guy wld have dropped signs that he was a SLOTH and she refused to see.

    like Tari said, single ladies should shine their eyes WELL

  23. Uju

    July 14, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    ‘Eriere!!! This is a FANTASTIC article. Incredibly well-written and insightful.

  24. Uju

    July 14, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    Oh! And I feel your friend’s woes. I know so many girls who went through, and
    are still going through, the same thing!

  25. Abby

    July 14, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    This is a lesson for all single ladies, stop sleeping with a man that is not
    your husband. If your friend was not sleeping with the guy, the pregnancy
    issue wouldn’t have come up and she wouldn’t have had to marry the lazy
    man.

    How come she didn’t see the lazy side of him while they were going out?
    I think both have roles to play if the marriage is not working.
    It takes two to tango

  26. Nneka

    July 14, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    @koinonia so women should die in marriage cause they made a commitment?
    Let me leave she can do bad all by herself.Older women who encourage you to stay are just saying what was said to themIt’s hard yes but women have options.

  27. jessy

    July 14, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    @Nneka …..koinonia is rite, …….we just hate 2 face d truth. marriage is a commitment, a vow and if broken dere is a real curse behind all dis endin of marriages…..d bible is dere 4 us 2 read

  28. yenny

    July 14, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    there are so many sides to this issue but the fact still remains that the number of ladies in the world is increasing so much that men are begining to feel that they are needed since they are in short supply. but i think a lady who knows her worth would still not go to the extent of spending her money on a guy in a relationship. even a lazy man would either change or run if she lets him know from the onset that he must be 100% financially responsible regardless of her income. and to the men, pleeeeeeeaaaaase have some pride as a man and stop acting like 21st century gigolos. cant you play your role and provide totally, how else do you expect to get respect.

    finally for those who call her a greedy girl cos she wanted to marry a successful man, well if you like to suffer, i certainly dont. nothin wrong with wantin a little comfort. She was only stupid to get pregnat for a loser.

  29. Mrs Mrs

    July 14, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    I was once in a very long relationship which flagged red right from the get go. The guy in question was always saying how he didnt have to go look for a job cos he knew God would provide for him! I am to blame mostly because I refused to give him tough love as needed; instread, i was massaging his morbidly over weight ego and suffering in silence. I compromised my future because he was “nice”, “fun” and above all, he was giving one-of-a-kind “kpanshing”. Needless to say, I suffered dearly for not accepting the truth and moving on with my life. Now I am blessed as God has given me another chance to be a woman and not the bread winner.

  30. Damola

    July 14, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    True talk, but if I could respond to that I’d say yes def shine your eye and stop following champagne poppers. But una too like good life…its the single commandment of the CON. Only greedy people get caught. You can’t have your cake and eat it. Fine boy, has plenty money doesn’t know what to do with it. (Too good to be true) our mothers married our fathers fresh out of school, from ground zero and together they built their fortunes. She mended his thorn trousers and more. He wasn’t poppin off in rehab but he had potencial. Women before looked for potencial so they didn’t end up with Lazy men. Women now look for men living lavida loca, but how many of them can actually trace the source of the money and be sure that it will last and is it an indication of how ambitious he is?

    Not that this relates to your friends story exactly. But if she was careful about picking her companions perhaps she could have accidentally gotten preganant for a man who would have made her happy regardless.

  31. babylawyer

    July 14, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    Tari by the way, can I just say I love your work? It keeps getting in the way of mine

  32. Karimah

    July 14, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    @ Yenny: she was stupid to get pg @ all for someone she barely knows, Stupid to let her parents choose for her. Dear Yenny, she aint a child…. She made her bed, so let her lie in it

  33. Shawny Lacruise

    July 15, 2010 at 12:29 am

    I love the well narrated ordeal faced by a poor mother. I never condoned divorce due to the African culture that has been instilled in me. I came to believe that under no circumstance should a wife divorce her husband. Even if she’s in an abusive relationship, she should still succumb to her husband’s wishes. But over time, I have come to realize that sometimes, promises and vows are made without a profound thought of the consequences associated. This can also be applied to a woman who makes a vow to be by her man till death do them part without fully comprehending his personality. Its unfortunate that this is focal to a large proportion of divorces. However, I would not reprimand a woman who relentlessly endeavored to sustain her marriage for eventually deciding to call it quits after realizing the refusal of her estranged husband to cooperate. The poor woman must have later realized her mistake for tying the knot with the man. Its better to make a decision that would lead decrease mortality due to stress than one that would facilitate it.

  34. Omada

    July 15, 2010 at 1:52 am

    there is a saying in my place,
    ‘the water you don’t want to enter your mouth, don’t use to wash your face’…
    my mom used to tell me before i went to the university, that if i can’t imagine myself being with someone for the long run, then i have no business getting involved with such a person in the first place, bcos u never know what will happen…

    am sorry to say this, but this is clearly your friend’s fault…
    she didn’t take her time to study this guy before jumping into the sack & ultimately marrying him.
    how come she didn’t notice his laziness & false lifestyle? or maybe she got carried away by what she was seeing & she didn’t look hard again…

    am not yet married, but one thing i know for sure is , married is not a walk in the park! a lot of girls get carried away by what they see & rush into it, before they know they start regretting.

    i feel sorry for your friend sha & i hope she finds a solution….

  35. Omada

    July 15, 2010 at 1:55 am

    @ Damola true talk… we are not looking for the right things anymore…
    am sure she saw flashy things and didn’t bother to look for substance again….

  36. oluwaseun

    July 15, 2010 at 1:56 am

    that’s why you should not jump into bed with a man who is not your husband, let alone one you do not know very well. if she was not sleeping with a stranger, she won’t have gotten herself into this mess in the first place!

  37. Olivia M

    July 15, 2010 at 4:30 am

    Hmmn..Love this artice very interesting and I’m sure so many women can relate to this article.
    @Damola-love the ”Champagne poppers”…lol..So very true.People fall inlove so stupidly.
    I bet y’all she saw this coming and she went ahead to have unprotected sex with a jerk
    There is nothing bad in helping out your spouse, when things get tough.But when you start
    paying Basic things that traditional ‘head of the family’ should takecare of , then you
    are in trouble.Fine, we all have ups and downs in life and helping out
    temporarily is not a bad thing to do as a supportive wife.

    My candid advice for this woman is for her to seek counselling ,pray and help him
    look for job, if that what it will take for him to take the job search seriously.And if
    prove unproductive,then she can do and undo.

  38. yetty

    July 15, 2010 at 8:41 am

    say no to sex before marriage dats just the fact

  39. Blackberry

    July 15, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Tari , yet another interesting read.
    MY opinion, your friend is not particularly a smart person and she obviously can’t stand up for herself, I bet if I get to know her personally I would definitely throw in lack of self esteem also.
    Who in this our modern day and age meets a guy and jumps in the sack with him without protection or any form of birth control? It’s amazing.
    I dated a guy whom I thought was the ish. He had a 9-5 job that paid him reasonably well (Naija standards) but I noticed he was not ambitious. He would get back from work at about 5 and be on the play station till midnight. He wakes up at 5am so he can get like an hour or 2 on his play station before he goes to work. Weekends were no better. I also noticed that he did not like to spend his money on anything but himself. I would suggest we go to the movies and he would claim not to have any money, desperate to get out of the house I would offer to pay then he would get upset that I picked the seats as opposed to him choosing where he wanted to sit (on top my own money oo). Tari, this guy had potentials to be whatever he wanted to be o. but he just lacked ambition. I encouraged him to do other useful things with his time and even introduced him to some business partners but no show. I got tired and got rid of him. He came back begging with marriage proposal and everyone asked me to take him back more so age was not on my side. I stood my grounds and I am better for it today. He is married to some poor girl now whom I heard is miserable and has moved out of the house and filing for a divorce. I thank God everyday for not letting me make that mistake. SINGLE LADIES OPEN YA EYES!!! The new crop of men we have out there will take advantage of you and ruin your life if you are not careful. All that glitters isn’t gold.

  40. yeah

    July 15, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    This article just lays open the lives of many young people in Nigeria, especially Lagos.We are so caught up in “looking the part” that we easily lose sight of the real thing.Everything is so fake and we judge so much by impression. Many young men in Lagos are living very fake lives, claiming to hustle while just surviving.However, they know how to “package” themselves just the way the ladies like it and most times ladies become “victims”.It is important not only to shine our eyes as ladies but also to refuse to be caught up in the artificial haze rocking the streets of Lag. If not, many of us might not be able to pay our children’s school fees because we have to go to the Bahamas!

  41. TrueTalk

    July 15, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    There’s nothing i can write that hasn’t been written. But what is alarming to
    me is the idea that the above situation is on the rise! Is it? Or we just
    exaggerating a little? True talk the economic dynamics in homes of today
    has changed, things aren’t really like they were in our parents’ days. We shouldn’t really jump to conclusions cos we aren’t in the same homes with these couples.
    My2cents asked some very valid questions that need answers! Loved
    Damola’s and bcgeorge’s comments too…spot on.

  42. mimi

    July 15, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    im am making this comment before i read any others…. She had no business getting pregnant out of wedlock…PERIOD! Considering how smart and intelligent she supposedly is! my advice to myself and other ladies is dont do marriage things b4 marriage and if you must use your brains we are no longer in the 60s.. protect yourselves, what if he had given her an std at that time plus the pregnancy. thats a life time of hate!! That being said…we are all humans and mistakes do happen….. so if it were me, ill take time to work hard on him and our marriage, i will try everything i can and if we both still cant get it together ill give him the boot!…we all get one shot @ this thing called life..i’d rather make mine count for something greater than breast feeding a guy with no value for it!

  43. sweetie

    July 15, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    seriously shaking my head!!! Why on earth should the blame be put on the
    parents? did they tie her to the bed and open her legs for him to enter…shuo…
    , i mean even if u wanna have sex before marriage, at least get to know the
    dude properly before having sex with him. And all that BS about helping him
    maintain the fake life, ugh please, like someone rightly said, she wanted it too,
    let her not just put the blame on him, i am very sure its that kind of fake life that
    attracted her to him in the first place, its sad because a baby is involved in this
    mess, please ladies make sure its someone u know in ur heart and more importantly
    in ur HEAD that is marriage material before sleeping with him and to be on the
    extra safe side, no sex before marriage!! kpere

  44. Tamara

    July 15, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    The rate at which I hear similar stories is begining to scare me!!!! Babes watch out, BLING is NOT a sustainable way of life. That this story has generated FORTY TWO heavily worded responses and counting just proves that yes! we DO have an issue on our hands. Whether we think she’s stupid, and we swear not to ever get trapped is just stories. We’re all women, our first instinct is to grin and bear it and to suffer in silence. Two thumbs up to the lady for actually taking action, whether or not the action agreeable. At least she’s doing something.

  45. Alarmed!

    July 15, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    The story is very nice and interesting, the comments are even nicer. Very interesting read for me.
    I will approach this from 2 angles:
    Angle 1:
    This marriage can still work. Forget all the mistakes of pregnancy and not studying the man before marriage. These mistakes have been committed. The way forward is for her to pray hard for the grace to tolerate his excesses and help him with her money. I know the story of a woman whose husband saw life from a mediocre’s perspective. She helped him by setting him up in business after committing herself to endurance ofr the period of his “re-branding”. Today, they are on the same level because the business thrived and they are both the better for it.

    Angle 2:
    The marriage may never work if she has given up on him. In that case, she can as well file for a divorce…but on what grounds? Indolence is not a grounf for divorce under Nigerian law now. If she files for a dicorce, she should bear it in mind that she’ll be an adulteress if she remarries while the man is still alive, so she should wait for him to die first.

    All in all, single ladies and men should take courtship seriously. Not all the ratmatazz of dazzling themselves at silverbird and Marcopolo o. Make una talk sense and discover yourselves wella b4 chuking your head inside marriage ok. To before warned is to before armed o!

  46. soulvanguard

    July 15, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    sad story..the moral is NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.

  47. teebee

    July 15, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    my sister in law is exactly in the same shoes as the woman in the above story: the only difference is everyone warned her before the marriage that the guy was no good. Its really tough for her : I feel so sorry but we women just dont learn!

  48. LeighJoy

    July 16, 2010 at 12:39 am

    i enjoyed this piece. that’s a very sad situation to be in 🙁

  49. Miss Tee

    July 16, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Great read Tari!!!….really sad, but all the comments have summed it up neatly…Ladies be careful please….for YOUR own sakes.

  50. Dan

    July 16, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    I have come across Tari’s writing quite often in the last few days and I must admit that her writing style is puzzling. Her excessive use of capital letters for words that are not proper nouns is chaotic. Literary Sunset, Speechless, Good Girl, Honeymoon,BAD, Lifetime Vacation, FULL, Bitch, UGLY, ALL, Vultures etc are a few examples in this piece. “I do it for emphasis” she may argue but I disagree.

  51. bims

    July 16, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    So true (& a great read – Tari). I’m seperated from my husband after 2 & a half years of exactly what you’ve described. What is going on with our nigerian men?? especially the southern ones….yes i said it….what’s happening to our yoruba men?! I can’t believe it…it only gets worse when they are based abroad (i’m based in the States)…I can’t believe that the generation of our proud hardworking nija/yoruba fathers gave birth to the men of our generation…..and it’s so bad that they have a rep…..”all talk, talk no action…”
    & to those sisters “judging” and sounding so “clever”….it could very easily happen to you……the only advice I have is PRAY O!! and use your head….that thing called love without God is soooo overrated. Stay blessed and yes o shine your eyes and everything else that is ‘shinable’…cos trust me, with this generation of nija men, you need all your senses working at a 300% when they try to get close x

  52. DontMakeMeComeThere

    July 16, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    What a story! So much to say that has already been said.
    Tari, I feel sorry for your friend. She is a victim of many things that she may or
    may not have control over HOWEVER, God dey. She can still turn her life around
    for the better, with or without this man.
    She can try discussing with him and coming up with a smarter plan for their finances.
    They both need to replenish their finances, love and family. There was a spark in
    there before, so it’s not impossible to come back.
    If she chooses to leave, she should just be happy and take this as a lesson for herself,
    other women and her child. There is def. opportunity to make things better than
    they are now.
    It’s also important that her parents stay out of the decision making yet do all they
    can to help their daughter in this marriage. She is an adult, they cannot control, but
    support. Lastly, she must douce herself in prayers. There is no better time to get to
    know God than now.

    And as for the comments I’ve seen on here. GOODNESS! I have a feeling women
    wrote most of them. It just reinforces my idea that women are their worst enemies
    and it shouldn’t be so!
    The judgmental comments on how she SPREAD HER LEGS. Come on! Was she
    the only one who had sex or he also partook in this act? (Un)fortunately for him,
    he can’t get pregnant but does this make him any less of a culprit? I didn’t see any
    emphasis on him as promiscuous, only her.
    Half of you on here, your moms were pregnant for you before her marriage, does
    this make her loose? Yes, sex before marriage is an abomination before God
    but people DO MAKE MISTAKES. It happens ALL the time, get over it!

    Lastly, I don’t see how a person getting pregnant is the cause of their plight.
    God makes the rules and He does what He wants to the person. I’m pretty sure
    picking the ‘wrong’ spouse could’ve happened to ANYONE, regardless of
    whether they’ve slept with each other or not! So you guys need to quit all the
    self-righteous bullcrap and address the matter at hand.
    From some comments I can safely say some of you guys’ mentalities are
    pretty much done for it- extremely illogical, counter-productive and destructive.
    I pray such mindsets will never be put in influential seats because people (esp.
    women) will be helpless & hopeless due your false sense of piety. Shameless
    Sadducees and pretentious Pharisees!

  53. shawny

    July 18, 2010 at 3:23 am

    @DontMakeMeComeThere, I fully concur with your responses to the earlier comments that seem to highlight self righteousness. It is without doubt that the bible has no tolerance for intimacy before marriage. But unfortunately, that intolerable act by the bible is prevalent all over the world. Nevertheless, that should not be the bases to judge anyone. “Hate the sin and not the sinner” the Holy book states. On that note, people should refrain from accusing others of their wrong doings and rather be willing to offer suggestions to help the individual get out of their mishap.

    It is clear that the woman was in a delicate situation that involved a forthcoming child. When you’re in such a situation one is overwhelmed with questions such as, who wants to raise a child single handedly? Do I want to play the role of a single mum? What are people going to think of my child?and what would my reply be when my child asks for the identity of his/her father. Practically no one would want their child to be referred to as a bastard. In addition, a father figure is imperative in the lives of children regardless of their sex just as a family is to the proper development of children. Doesn’t any intelligent person reckon that after taken into consideration the earlier stated questions, the woman would feel compelled to marry the father of her child? Especially considering that the African culture stigmatizes baby mamas (unwed women with children). Although this is a form that encourages freedom to express oneself, its obliterating and irrational for anyone to chastise the current issue with responses that emphasis the woman’s mistake. Mistakes are exactly what they are, the past. Everyone strives for progress and mistakes have affinity for that. It is from these mistakes that we are better equipped to deal with similar situations should they occur again. Peace and love

  54. Lolly-Dee

    July 18, 2010 at 3:51 am

    @ DontMakeMeComeThere: You basically read my mind! I cant understand why these women were so judgemental about her having unprotected pre-marital sex rather than really tackling the main issue at hand.

  55. Uche

    July 18, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Single ladies wanna play smart, eat their cakes and have it…..How many single ladies out their
    can come out and say they are virgins or havent had loads of boyfriends or partners?so why will it
    get to some guy u want to marry then u wanna begin to abstain all of a sudden?Using sex as a tool to force marriage will always backfire…Sex or not Im a guy and I will marry the woman as long as we are committed to each other just dont tell me that u were sleeping with ur ex and wont sleep with me cos we’re gonna get married..Bullshit….That said single ladies like the suave , smooth guys
    but una no sabi say na dem dey lazy pass…..Like said previously what attracted her to him and how come she didnt see the signs during courtship…?There are loads of hardworking guys out there so till u women rearrange your priorities and what u look for in a guy more of you will keep falling into this trap..Enough said…

  56. all in the mind

    July 19, 2010 at 2:08 am

    It is a very sad situation to be in and i do not wish it on anyone.
    As we get closer to marrying, it is important that we hear stories as this so
    we can at least guard ourselves and learn.
    I pray for her and the many other women that are going through the same thing,
    trust me the stories are plenty.
    I hate to agree with BIMS’ comments (July 16th, 2010 at 8:51 PM) but i have also
    noticed the same patterns.
    If the women in question is reading this, i will like to add my 2 cents as well.
    Marriage is for good or bad…those words weren’t written to fill up spaces.
    Unfortunately, you married him before finding out enough but no one is above mistake
    and sometimes, you can never really know someone enough.
    The situation you are going through is tough especially for a newlywed, but it could be worse.
    I know a woman in this lagos that has been the sole breadwinner of her family for over a decade.
    she pays for their children’s school fees abroad (international students tuition),
    she fuels the gen and even buys his recharge card. She did so for years and recently stopped providing his petty demands. In her words, she buys the foods and fuels the gen because her children has to eat, even though he enjoys the luxury as well. To an outsider, everything looks perfect….but isn’t it usually the case. I can give you numerous examples, including those close to home.
    If everyone were to leave their spouses because of these things, the records of divorces will tip alot higher than it already is.
    I will advice you to stay and work things out. A man will not spend money he doesn’t know you have
    or you don’t show him. He will not ask you to vomit money if you don’t have it and truly show signs of brokeness. When he cries about not having any money, you cry LOUDER! Let him know all you have is the house rent, food for baby, etc . . .that is what my cousin did and it worked for her. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! sounds redundant but it changes things. I wish you best of luck as you go through these trying times but do not give up as it is the devils plan to destroy something you have done that favors God, which is marriage.

  57. Nezed

    July 20, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Funny story.

  58. imusttalkmyown

    July 20, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    ‘She got married to him after a few months of meeting and dating him. Her major reason for marrying him was that she was pregnant, and her parents would have rather danced naked in the Village Square than to have a daughter pregnant and eventually bear a child out of wedlock.

    She did care deeply for him, however, left to her, she would have rather spent some more time getting to know him better, child or not, before taking the plunge. The Good Girl that she is though, she listened to her parents and went ahead with the plan.’

    This made me laugh out loud and shake my head…i know she’s your friend but pls dont make excuses for stupidity….did she get pregnant by post? women shud understand that apart from STD unprotected sex cud end in pregnancy…perhaps she shud have spent the few months between meeting him and marrying him, getting to know him outside the bedroom first…I don’t care if ppl dont wait till marriage to have sex, i’m not into all that religious bull…still, having unprotected sex with a man that one ‘wud like to know better’ and being stupid enuff to not take post-coital control suggests that perhaps she was trying to ‘trap’ the man…afterall, he was pretending to be one of the jonses when he was really just jonzing…she sef was thinking she had caught big fish! LOL

    She’s in her 20s as you said, not a teenager, not a child and hopefully not a fool. Her parents couldnt have forced her to marry the guy if she REALLY wanted to wait! And no, she’s not a ‘good girl’ bcos she ‘listened’ to her parents…she is a very pliant girl tho and gud to know she finally found some balls to make her own decisions – wise ones too! well done to her and hope she really has learned her lesson 🙂

  59. Meme

    July 21, 2010 at 12:54 am

    This is my story…. and I am in the middle of a divorce too after a year… mine was a con artist… I had no idea that his financial situation was so bad… it was lie after lie, after lie, until I entered the marriage and found out the truth… My advice to ladies, before you get married, please hire a PI, to get the 411 about this man before saying I do… Even in Nigeria, find people that can tell you the koko of the man and his financial and personal situation…. The new breed of Nigerian men out there are scary…. Our fathers took care of our mothers, but these men expect to be wed, fed, and bedded on the regular without any input form them in any of these activities…

  60. kole

    July 21, 2010 at 10:18 am

    We all make mistakes, the important thing is not repentance alone, but the determination to be a better person. Pre-marital sex is wrong, no matter how we all try to present it, the bible frowns at it because it clouds your sense of judgement and confuses the mind, the bible should be our standard, i was almost in a similar situation but for God’s grace and mercy am still single and happy.
    Your friend needs to repent and ask God for guidance and direction, we can all just give advice and cast blames, we are not better off.
    Marriage is not an end, it’s a new beginning, we need to start seeing marriage beyond the “courtship and wedding day euphoria” she needs to search herself and know who she is.
    It’s so unfortunate guys don’t get pregnant( lol) , so since we are the sex that gets pregnant, then we should be the careful ones, we all have our sexual desires, but they shouldn’t control us, most times we do see the ugly sides but we purposely ignore them and believe it will get better, the word of God says “If the foundations be destroyed what can the righteous do”, so we should stop patching and mending ( self righteousness), we should all go to the foundation and ask the builder to help us rebuild all over again.

  61. Bola

    July 21, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Hello! This is just my take & 2 kobo on this……some people have gone on about unprotected sex, getting pregnant happens with even protected sex…hence the saying that the safest sex is no sex (well before marriage anyway).

    Whatever reasons she had for marrying the guy, the crux of the matter is (from the gist) is that she would still be married to him if he was being a man, looking after her and the family. There’s one thing my dad used to tell us girls (all 4 of us)…and that’s I’m not educating you so that you’ll be so independent that you wouldn’t a man but so that you have enough confidence and can support your husband (if God forbid) something happens that means you have to provide financial support. Bless him, when he said it he meant temporarily not permanently.

    The only point (as far as I’m concerned) is the fact most (if not all) our men are seriously messing up, if it’s not that they expect us women to work, bring money in (in part or in full), look after them, the kids…haba na curse? and with all that some women will still get verbally abused or worse physically abused! So this is what this topic is about…the prevalence of a new breed of nigerian men who are 419ers at heart, up for the good life & want a woman who will have the ‘finance’. It doesn’t matter if you guys didn’t engage in pre marital sex and/or courted for 20 years (I have a friend that did all that…the guy was almost a pastor, hmmm as soon as the ring went on her finger, it was the guy had a personality transplant). I even know a couple where the guy was a good provider up until they emigrate to the uk and his ‘peeps’ showed him the way…she became sole provider, while he became a ‘travelling contractor’…he might have been making money but the poor woman and their kid never saw a cent.

    In short, my question is what has changed the dynamics? and is it infact only a nija men thing or more universal? I’m not married yet (I have 2 suitors and when I say suitors, they are the one’s chasing , I’m not going out with either) and while I should be seriously considering starting a relationship ending in marriage, I’m getting scared. Recently, my elder sis’ friend confided that she just found out her hubby of 6 year smokes weed!! a case of not hanging out with him to that extent before the marriage and afterwards having to concentrate fully on working & keeping house so it was easy for him to ‘do the deed and clean mouth’ (as we would say)….

    Na wa o…..can’t a girl find a good Nija brother anymore or do we need to start importing kind, hard working & God fearing men again?

  62. cici

    July 22, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Same ol stories, oh the woman is a victim that everyone feels sorry for and the
    man is a doucebag that everyone hates. Until, women start making better
    decisions, then things will change.

    Women don’t know what they want. Don’t lower your standards. Stop falling for
    the men who looks like they will take you shopping, take care of you, alway
    there, only to find out he’s a poser. Stop falling for the superficial things, look
    deep into his character, and if you see any red flag, don’t overlook it and think
    u will change him. Let him know that if he’s not willing to change then there will
    not be any relationship. Stop falling for all the sweet nothings just bcos he’s
    saying what you want to hear.

    Don’t be in such a rush to have a man, just because everyone is doing it or
    you feel lonely. Stop spreading your legs for men
    who can barely take care of themselves, and now you expect him to
    automatically know how to care for a baby.

    At the end of the day, I keep blaming these women who keep
    putting themselves in situations like that.

  63. uchechi

    July 24, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Na wa oh! Divorce after one year or so…not the best option. I feel your friends grieve but hope she remebers she made an oath at the altar..”for better for worse till death do us part”, hers came pretty quickly. It funny cos the same man was the same one buying her gifts soo teh she gree open leg, she don forget..

    Your friend should forget the past of getting pregnant, marrying him quickly without adequate knowledge. She should deal with the present situation, divorcing him will definitely make her a lonely lady and if she feels she can marry again..that’s adultery. I advice both to seek counselling and perhaps leave apart for a while to clear the air..it worked for someone I know.

    If you loved him enough to marry him, I bet you should be ready to tolerate his flaws though unpleasent. Your friend should stick this in her head “the downfall of a man is not the end of his life”, her husband is in his 30s, c’mon he can rise up again. The only thing they both have to do is “cut their clothe according to their size”, and not try to live a life you cannot afford all in the name of gbo gbo big girls and boys.

    Her story should be a lesson to other ladies out there, we all make mistakes but be very careful so you dont end up where you may regret. I wish them well and hope they resolve their differences.

  64. dele

    July 25, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    It’s a terrible shame that a few men these days are unsure about their roles as the head. How can a man swop his role as the head and allow the woman take his position and still walk around feeling like a MAN. I feel such men must have grown up watching their fathers do same and have adopted their behaviours since they do not know any better, however as you develop in life one begins to reshape one’s character.

    It bothers me so badly when I hear stories like this and I can’t seem to understand what the society is turning to. Women are then blamed for messing up, for been disrespectful, and all other crap. I know women are not saints but if you deal with women in these manners how do you expect her to function as a good wife. The family of such men are certainly aware however they fail in their responsibility to alert the women on the matters and work out a solution together rather they fold their hands and watch.

    Even the bible says a man who is unable to provide for his family is worse than an infidel, and since God has blessed you with the ability to do things what is stopping such a man. Not to be on the sides of such man, I also feel that other external factors may affect such men. The bible also talks about us not fighting flesh but principalities.

    To conclude, women if you find yourselves in such situations and you truly love the man and want to stay, then you must ensure that you make a life for your family. You should also keep encouraging your husband and praying a lot for him. He may well know his weakness and has been fighting to make him self better or he may well be clueless about it too. For the unmarried girls, SHINE YOUR EYE. Change you priorities and ideology about marriage before you get hooked. Don’t say I did not know him to be like this……………… O YES YOU DID.

  65. Fab 5

    July 26, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Na wa O! I might get crucified for this but I’ll say it anyway. Women have been doing this slothful lazy thing forever and ever. I didn’t hear U people complaining then O! I have a client who’s husband died in a plane crash and has been pursuing insurance claims for a while. She doesn’t even know what her husband does or where his office is talkless of knowing how much he is worth. Truth be told U people should wait to hear the guy’s story first.
    Meanwhile sha, tell Ur friend to tell straight up. She no need this divorce story sef. She should tell him that if he ain’t contributing, he ain’t shagging. And that one of the nice young men who do will soon DO

  66. Godlovesme4me

    July 27, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    @ Fab, if he’s not contributing, he’s not getting none huh…well sounds like a gd idea, let’s hope he’s not the type of guy that can hold his little joe in his pants.

    Anyways, divorce is not the answer…they both need Jesus because if the guy knows he’s worse than an imbecile because he cannnot provide for his family, he will definitely make changes and ur friend should have the spirit of endurance now that she has entered into a vow before God. But like everyone said, these signs should have been obvious before she got pregnant and decided to marry. The Lord will intervene and give them change hearts to love and respect each other’s values again.

  67. Patricia Ejim

    July 29, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    the issue here ist that she did b4 marriage,even some of the pple who preach that dont do sermon did during their time,lets be realistic pls. am always amazed wen i hear someone say i married him becos i was pregnant excuse me? its the lamesst thing to say.
    @koinonia01,shld u remain in a marriage that makes u unhappy and maybe depressed cos its a vow? have u taken time out to go visit the psycharist ward in Luth “some” women there are as a result of bad marriage,they stood their grounds and broke down eventually,you can leave and have ur sanity or stay and break and nt live to raise ur kids or child.theres separation and theres divorce.when u re married sex or lovemaking shouldnt be a weapon. lets all of be wise and not be judgemental cos it can happen to anyone!

  68. nne

    July 29, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    am in the same situation,although God helped me to know he was a lazy man.So before we started thinking of having kids my mind was made up.I really liked the article me i don shine my eye,infact over shine naim my eyes dey.am taking pills for now,no kids so its easy for me to leave.Before this months runs out he,ll come back and meet a note on the table.

  69. Sblinks

    August 3, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Very sad i say that men not pulling their weight is on the increase in our society and believe it happens all around the world. I have just finished reading a very interesting and eye opening novel. its a true story written by a wife, mother and an escort. She like many other women married a man that was just not ambitious they had 6 lovely children and was left on her her won to fend for those kids. She was intelligent ambitious and hardworking but soon realised her income would not sustain them as a family. The ballifs kept knocking, the kids had to be fed and clothed, they had defaulted on their mortgage and the house was due to be repossessed she turned to the only one thing that she thought could get her and her poor kids out of their dilemma. it did but at what price? so women i think the important thing here is that we go on this search of choosing a life patner with God on our side. I agree with some comments earlier about people missing the point here and talking about sex outside of wedlock but they could still have been married without her been pregnant and then she finds out 2/3months down the line what/who he turly is. So please I cant stress this enough let us choose through consultation with the one person that know s best.

  70. hermosa

    August 11, 2010 at 10:11 am

    just last year i was in your friend’s shoes, i was leaving comfortably when i met my now ex, i thot he was funny, cool, respectably, educated, very articulate, when speaking and was on a good rapport with my mum (something no other exes had ever achieved) then as weeks turned into months i realised i was dating an illusion. he hadn’t finished university, was a liar, very lazy and a thief. he’d tell me to borrow him huge sums of money form me and promise to pay me back, but he never did, last year we went to china together, and i payed for the hotel, his stupid laptop and all the meals, a month later he returned bk to nigeria and i stayed in china, the day he left i broke it off with him and called my mum. he was, is and will always be a total loser! and i’m done with losers. ladies, shine ur eyes. if it means asking him for his diploma and NYSC certificate, do it!! it’s ur life that’s at stake.
    don’t get me wrong, it’s not becos he doesn’t hv a degree that i’m mad, it’s cos he lied!! lied about everything! about his age! about everything! and he’s still lying now that i’m bk in nigeria, it makes me sick!!

    • Ada Nnewi

      April 19, 2013 at 4:46 pm

      Same thing happened to me one of the first questions he asked me was how much i earned and dude was in his late 30’s oh that question raised the first red flag…Omo after he borrowed money from me a couple of times and never paid back in full i found out through snooping that he gambles on the regular…Omo! i ex’d him sharply and never looked back..God forbid that i get myself trapped in such nonsense..dude came back with an engagement ring i laughed at him that evening ehhhnnn…
      Mmmscccheww onye oshi

  71. Wuke

    August 11, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    It would have just been best you wrote this is pidgin english…I don die, even after the introductory disclaimer of not being good with words you still proceeded to this disgraceful article?

  72. Sisi

    August 19, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    I agree with you, Dan.
    Yes, English is not our first language. Still, we could follow basic grammar rules. A lot of Nigerian wesites need serious editing.
    People won’t ignore your bad use of language simply because you are discussing an interesting topic!

  73. Mariamah

    October 13, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    It’s not easy to leave a man that you call yr husband,take this to GOD in prayer. If push comes to shove, choose btw staying with yr husband and dying slowly, or leaving him and surviving to take care of your child who is more important. I know his type, almost married one, thank God i left, was not easy, cause it was a three n half yrs relationship, but if u ask me right now i’m glad i did. And single ladies out there should be careful don’t believe in dreamers, cause all they do is dream without action, and mostly it’s unrealistic ladies with OJUKOKORO THAT FALL FOR IT.

  74. not a bee

    November 13, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    the general feel i get from the comments is people have come to the conclusion that she didn’t use contraceptives and she married him willingly…

    As we all should know, contraceptives do not work all the time. Nothing is 100% secure which is one of the reasons I am an advocate of wait till you are married because if you do get pregnant then you are not toying with the idea of marrying someone that is not necessarily your first choice.

    What I gather from the article is she got stuck with the guy. She did not want to marry him.. so even if she saw the smokes during courting.. she got trapped by falling pregnant.

    I for one know deep down in my bones that I cannot condone laziness so I can totally feel her pain.. every ounce of it. I can’t stand a man that is not ambitious… I am not saying he must be rich or want to be rich, even if he wants to voluteer for the rest of his life and make money for a charity of his choice.. that to me is enough ambition!

    I am very ambitious and extremely hard working and I would want someone that I can look up to! Plus please people shouldn’t feel pressurised to get married because they fall pregnant. You have already made a mistake , why make another one? If you were pregnant while engaged ( not that i encourage it ) and your wedding is in a couple of months and you get married… all well and good, you decided to marry the person because you lvoed them not because you were pregnant.

    marriage was made to be enjoyed…. there will be good and bad times.. so why enter into a marriage that you know would be filled with doom and then get a divorce.

    like i said before you have made one mistake of getting pregnant out of wedlock dont make another that would lead to a divorce.

  75. roni

    July 30, 2011 at 1:01 am

    its like u narrated my life. im going thro the same thing exactly. ppl that said u shud not hv gotten pregnant b4 married., hv u never had unprotected sex? im so hapi i have my daughter and would not change it 4 da world. we were 2geda for a few years b4 we got pregnant and tbh i dont tink we would hv married if i wasnt pregnant bcos i just didnt think he was raedy (although he has always wanted to and i hv been the one delaying da wedding)

    my husband is a dreamer, i hv left him- although not divorced, but i hv 2 admit, i miss him everyday. i feel bad that he’s not part of his daughter’s life bcos he loves kids but i got tired of paying da electricity bill, putting food on da table, buying petrol and loading his fone wid credit. it got so bad that he automatically thinks any money given to our daughter belongs 2 him.

    he’s telling me that things r changing, he’s now hard working(so he says) and he actually sends some money for our daughter’s up keep. he wants us to get back 2geda but im very comfortable where i am.

    i do not want a broken home and our marriage is also less than a yr but i just feel like he will go back 2 being lazy again and did i mention womanising.

    his side of the story is- he was going thro a very difficult time in his life, when he needed his wife 2 support him and i left with his child. but wat was i suppose 2 do? i lost all respect 4 him and could no longer hide my anger and disgust. he watched tv 1st thing on a monday morning and chatted on bb all day.

    right now, we hv a love hate relationship (he has said he will purnish me 4 leaving him)

    And oh, i hv prayed and fasted like mother teresa herself and my situation has not changed. im starting 2 tink God is doing me a favour by not listening 2 my prayers bcos i will meet some1 beta. being a single mum used 2 faze me but i’l rather b a single mum and hapi dan a married woman with a heavy heart. ur hapiness is more important than what society expects from u.

  76. alexis

    August 8, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Another good read, how did she fall into bed with a lazy neer do well but the truth was that she was with him for just the sex and the good time just out right fun.

    The girl never planned to marry him but she was just checking him out hitting the sack included.A friend of mine is in a loveless marraige now for 20 years.
    According to him he was sleeping with 5 women at the time and one of the get “bele” and he was made to marry her.

    The wife in question had no future plans but to get married after secondary school as her elder brother’s wife refused the brother to train her further na her story oooo!!!!!!!. I was not there but my friend said he married her and since then he goes astraying he is always involved with a working class very educated and sophisticated lady every now and then. He is a serial womaniser and his wife sits at home with no ambitions to do any thing with her self except to run one failed business after another.

    Na wo don’t jump into things that are too hot to handle, build your self first and pray to God.Concentrate on being self sufficient first career wise, character wise, pray and stop weighing relationships with your V………….. and P……………..

  77. Ugo

    August 11, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    Yes, a lazy man is an abomination. But, please, do not write off a brother when he is down. Look at his history & talk to people who know him intimately. Sometimes successful people stumble and at other times aspiring individuals are simply looking for one chance/big break. I’ve met millionaires who lost all and I have spoken to nobodies who became rich. As long as a man is and can take care of himself, he won’t be a burden on you. Together, great things can be done. “one man put a thousand to flight…, together two can put ten thousand to flight.”

  78. toysin

    August 11, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    success is the accumulation of test and life is a series of chioces and today s decicions are tomorrow s reality.Most relationships are vain and the endless circle asking and being asked, manipulating and being manipulated is built into almost every relationship.i believe that,the better man you want,the better woman you must be.
    Women blame men for most of their misfortune,yet they desire to be with a man.relationship should be a team work,where there is humility,honesty,vision and drive.Both men and women have suffered terribly in relationship where compatiability is lacking.This is a sex generation and most young men and women put that ahead of anything.They need to seek counsel and sincerely invite God into he relationship. With God all things are possible and nothing is impoosible unto him that believe.there is so much good in the worse of us and so much evil in the best of us.

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