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Help! She’s Got “Cold Feet”

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Whenever I decide to publish an article based on a close friend’s experience, I consider getting their consent. Since most of my friends are nearly as private as I am, I literally have to reassure them that their real names will be coded or that I will only disclose as much detail as they are comfortable with. You would think the pretentious name substitute would provide sanity on any doubts about the security of their identity. But I understand that despite whatever edit is made, it is still their story, and sharing it strikes a nerve that makes them feel vulnerable to public opinion.

In this rare case, my friend Jayden* actually reminded me to write about his situation. I never forgot to. I was just unsure as to how to go about it without invading his privacy in my quest to know just enough for a meaningful article.

Jayden and Cookie dated for about three years and have been married for four years now. When Jayden and I first met, he was only about nine months into his marriage. He was as happy as any newlywed should be. During one of our random conversations at that time, he mentioned that he and Cookie were holding off on having kids for the first two years of their marriage because they just wanted to enjoy each other and take their time. I responded with a sign of approval. It sounded like a fantastic plan for a young couple. At that time, he was 28 years old and she was 26 years old. They seemed to have all cards in their favor: no parental pressure to bear kids, and even more importantly, they were both on the same page.

Unfortunately, that seems to have changed and their folks are not the problem.

She is.

Cookie no longer wants to have children.

She told Jayden she wants to relocate to New York City in order to aggressively pursue a career as a makeup artist. She even took time off her full-time nursing job to attend the recent New York Fashion Week. Since she is pretty much focused on going big in that industry, she cannot envision how she can achieve her goals with children in tow. Although Jayden fully consents to his wife’s career ambition, the “no children in tow” portion completely took him by surprise. After all, before they decided to get married, that was a deal maker for them! They both desired children and yearned to raise their mini replicas with all the love and affection in the world.

At least before tying the knot, Jayden and Cookie were completely in-sync on becoming parents, unlike the mayhem another close friend of mine trapped herself in.

While still dating, Ibikunle had made it clear to her that he absolutely did not want children. This was extremely contrary to her desire; she was drooling to have kids. She successfully psyched herself with the hype that you can change a man’s mind on any issue and went ahead with the marriage plans. She was so certain he would budge because she calculated that as a Nigerian man there was no way on earth he would not want children to carry on his name. When she got pregnant, he literally disappeared. He didn’t take her calls or those of her family members. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage. Days after she lost the pregnancy, he actually showed up at the hospital and as inhumane as this sounds and as painful as it is for me to write he told her that if she had delivered the baby and she had died from any complication, he would have given up the child for adoption.

Well, they were separated before their first wedding anniversary. No surprise.

But Jayden and Cookie AGREED to have children. Jayden has searched and searched for answers. Did he do something wrong? I am not in his head, neither do I know all his movements, but as much as I know of Jayden, I can vouch for him as a faithful, loving husband. So what could have changed her mind? I can understand pushing the breeding plan out a few more years, but selfishly bailing out on such a sensitive life decision for no plausible reason, even a medical reason, is just disturbing behaviour.

Jayden and Cookie have considered divorce. It was actually her idea. He wants to keep his home together and like any practical, optimistic Christian man, he does not want his life story to go in that direction. He even suggested that he relocates to New York with her believing they can both work it out. With his accounting background, he should not have a problem continuing his career there. This man loves Cookie dearly and is fighting for his home. But he is both sad and angered that he is the only one fighting to save their marriage. He said he sometimes feels like he is living with a stranger whose bills he pays. They both just go about their own business. This was neither the plan nor the future he so confidently envisioned having with her. Off and on, something snaps back and she comes around and starts “playing wifey” again. During one of her ‘on’ seasons, they were standing in the airport security line, near another couple and their little toddler. As is normal with most kids, the toddler suddenly squealed, screaming for whatever reason. Cookie turned to Jayden and said, “Well you see why I don’t want kids?!” He heard her, but did not respond. He just wanted to enjoy the present state of affairs but wondered how long the ‘attentive wifey’ episode will last.

Aunty Bella, Uncle Bella…

What’s a man in this situation to do?

Photo Credit: Melanie Dean

89 Comments

  1. iyabo

    September 19, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Jayden needs to ask himself some tough questions and answer them as truthfully as he can. The earlier the better because he deserves to be happy as well.

  2. samsie

    September 19, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Yeeeepa…I don’t know!this is way beyond my capacity for passing comments..*rain check*

    • MB

      September 19, 2011 at 11:42 am

      Where’s the ‘like button’! This one na real “rain check” issue!
      If he’s really a christian, he needs to invite God into the situation, continue serving his God, knowing that a righteous man’s steps are ordered by God and see what happens… I suggest meditating on the ff: 1 cor 7: 10-16.

      Too many marriages are ending in divorce these days, why?

  3. pelola

    September 19, 2011 at 10:01 am

    he better give her the divorce and let her go.

  4. empress

    September 19, 2011 at 10:14 am

    i totally agree with iyabo but first he should turn to God to help him turn her heart over because the heart of the king is in his hands but seriously this is though one,really though one

  5. Rita

    September 19, 2011 at 10:16 am

    They need to see a family therapist/psychologist coz the lady just might be carrying some deep seated hurt from her past. A good therapist will let her know that you can be a career woman and have kids (it might be a bit more difficult to handle tho). Therapy will also help her voice her priorities…saving her marriage or building a career! #mytwocents#

    • fromexperience

      September 19, 2011 at 6:18 pm

      Therapy is NOT the answer… Therapy for what? she doesn’t want kids, she doesn’t want and thats that. Career is a blind excuse, career women have kids. I am afraid Rita – I don’t see how Therapy comes in.
      I think he needs to make some tough decisions and live with them. Let’s be realistic. He is even fighting for her when she was done with it yesterday – asking for a divorce. This isn’t even about kids!

    • keke

      September 20, 2011 at 12:43 am

      i totally agree with you, but then why did she just change her mind when at the beginning there really was no objection. The human mind is puzzling and you never really know no one cos, they never really know themselves in the first place.

  6. Tunmise

    September 19, 2011 at 10:29 am

    hmmm…he’s a man, he should demand his rights na. God no gree divorce so i don’t think they should think about going in that direction. That wasn’t the deal from the start so i think they should sit and talk about it or he could just pray…people are very selfish nowadays….God dey!

  7. Sylvia Igwe

    September 19, 2011 at 10:38 am

    i really feel sorry for dis Jayden guy.But he must understand one thing, there is a very bg possibility that he got punked and married the wrong chic.is there anything he can do abt it? Not much really, either agree with her or get out n get anoda wifey.This is no therapist matter, the lady in issue does not seem confused. Though we ladies are supposed to have that soft spot for kids,the truth is not everyone feels that urge and it is gud that u knw itearly which cookies is smart enuff to knw.Taking her to a therapist wont help none.So sorry.

    • A.D

      September 21, 2011 at 9:32 am

      looool punkd marriage, but seriously, I think He should go back to God, If he dated her for as much as 3 years and didnt see any of these hints, it might just be……………Spiritual!!! but I really think he should go to God and see a family psychologist, she might have come to terms with conditions she thought she could forget.

  8. nge

    September 19, 2011 at 10:39 am

    I totally agree wit rita,and he also needs to put it in prayers,dere is nothing god cannot do.

  9. Lue

    September 19, 2011 at 11:10 am

    i think divorce is the best option……………..he is no longer happy and the wife doesnt care so why dont they just leave each other
    http://lucianochinwe.blogspot.com/

    • fromexperience

      September 19, 2011 at 6:20 pm

      #GBAM TO LUE! Let’s just say it as it is… sorry divorce is not in the bible o, I understand that arguement, but Jayden needs to run very far from cookie!!

  10. pendo

    September 19, 2011 at 11:36 am

    i think the wife is no longer interested in the marriage and knowing how badly Jayden wants kids is doing this as the easy way out.

    • tinu

      September 19, 2011 at 9:04 pm

      I totally agree with you. That what was what I was thinking too. Don’t give him the one thing u know he wants badly, so he would get angry enough to leave.

  11. pynk

    September 19, 2011 at 11:51 am

    wonders shall never end. they should go to therapy. if that doesnt help, show each other the door.

  12. iknow

    September 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

    The wife is no longer intersted in the marriage. She’s only using the child issue as the way out. Too bad

  13. amazing!

    September 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

    I can relate to their experience. After the first year of marriage, when reality has finally set in and you see how hard marriage can get sometimes and you almost start asking yourself if you did the right thing or married the right person, would you had been better off if you had waited and pursued your career instead, blah, blah, blah. Slowly, you start being afraid about bringing children into the mist. But if you don’t nib all that thought in the butt quickly, you will begin to feel caged, resent the person and marriage and the rebelling will start. Trust, no matter how much you think you know someone, you never know them enough until you marry them.
    He should be patient with her and continue to pray but play along. believe me, she will change her mind. Seeing an openminded female pastor might also help the issue by opening her up to her true fears.

    • It is I

      September 19, 2011 at 12:43 pm

      I totally love and agree to your comment, its the best thing he/ they can do is to be patient , pray, seek counselling and yes a female doctor is the way forward. Am a 25 year old female engaged to be married and love my partner to bits, but the whole future of career and family is very scary. If I were to choose, kids are lower on the preference scale and my partner loves children. Am just praying God will help me see reason and make the right choices before I make other people unhappy.

  14. bee

    September 19, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Nah, I dont believe in divorce.. If he divorces her and marries another,he might even face worse challenges…He shouldnt run away from this. Every marriage/relationship has its own issues,its “HOW” you go about it that matters. He should just pay attention to her actions,pray AGGRESIVELY!!! yes,AGGRESSIVELY(I dont kabashing and all,LOL).. Slowly,she would “lay low” for him..I mean,they took an oath in church now…

  15. Uchechi

    September 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    @amazing, I agree!

  16. olamide ewuosho

    September 19, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    divorce her plain and simple! useless woman!

    • sett

      September 19, 2011 at 4:20 pm

      Pray for the wisdom to respect people for their choices as much as it doesn’t hurt you in any way. some people live their entire lives not knowing wht they want. she knows what she wants (at least for now) and has the courage to say it…how is she useless? cos she doens’t want to live her life the way that conforms with your value system?

  17. moi!

    September 19, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    I agree with Rita, he should seek both professional counsel as well as seeking the help of a close relative e.g his wife’s mother. But if all fails, in my faith(catholic) these are grounds for annulment and not even a divorce. A lie/fraud is involved here. Both parties agreed to having children and one member here obviously has told a lie. My two cents. Thank you.

  18. ibiayo

    September 19, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    @olamide, u have no right to call her a useless woman. As far as we know, dis is ust one side of the story..d lady myt ve oda reasons for not wanting kids, it myt even be as a result of some repressed incident in her past. Believe it or not, NOT all women drool @ d thought of having kids, I know women dat don’t even LIKE children.. My only issue with dis is,she should have told him straight up b4 marrying him. D only comment I agree with right now is @sylvia’s comments

  19. rihanna

    September 19, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    All he can do is 2 pray really hard and meet a good marriage counsellor(both of dem) divorce is nt an option,its goes against d bible.

  20. Spiritual

    September 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    I know how Jayden might feel and i know that Cookie is trying not to feel at this time except she is a sadist. How did our mothers handle career and family? With patience and foresight. These days we are all about career ( more like fame, money etc.) and loose sight of the important things (family, friendship, God etc.). What the west has done and failed the family system is what we find attractive now. Jayden needs A LOT of patience in prayer; this might be a time you will cherish forever, take pleasure in this pressure because going the hate route won’t solve anything. Cookie has hurt you, your trust but you have to be strong for two at this time. Divorce is so quick to come to the tongues of people who destroy rather than build and that is a sign of a weak character. I know God will do wonders but ask him to give you practical steps to take on this mater. Be well.

    • yep

      September 19, 2011 at 3:09 pm

      I agree with your comment for the most part. However, the western world is not to blame for everything. We cannot assume that back in the days during our mother’s generation every woman had a warm and fuzzy feeling about motherhood. They married and became mothers because society demanded they do just that. However, many such women became abusive towards their offsprings and were always miserable. I had friends growing up in Nigeria who were terrified of their abusive mothers and even fathers. I rather people be true to themself and not have kids if they sincerely do not want them than have kids to appease society and then turn around and maltreat them or give them away to work as housekeepers in strangers’ homes in the city.

      As for cookie, she should have just told Jayden from the start that she does not want kids rather than tell him now that she is already married.

    • Sigh!

      December 4, 2011 at 4:54 pm

      I think you guys have missed the point. COOKIE WANTED KIDS – AT FIRST. But then she changed her mind. It’s not like she married him knowing that she didnt want kids and he did. She wanted them just as much as he did in the beginning. It’s just that she’s changed her mind.

    • Mo'

      September 21, 2011 at 10:12 pm

      I wish bellanaija had a like button!!! You were on point!

  21. Aibee

    September 19, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    I believe Jayden and Cookie need to seek counselling as a couple. It’s not like Cookie didn’t want children from the get go, she changed her mind after marriage. Why? They should both seek help. Divorce is not the way to go. Every marriage has it’s own challenges and divorce is certainly not a cure all. Jayden had better get on his knees quickly. On a lighter note, that Cookie is a real cookie *pun intended*!

  22. lafunky

    September 19, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    The couple needs counselling. In the multitude of counsel there is safety. They need counselling from people other than their parents. This topic seems so unreal but I know it’s real. God help the couple.

  23. Bella

    September 19, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    Wat a sad situation for Jayden,this is an exact situation of one man’s meat is anoda man’s poison! I advice thathe should go to GOD n ask HIM to interven.

  24. GOB

    September 19, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    After praying about it, I suggest they see a therapist. Cookie might be going through more things than she is letting on. For example, it’s not uncommon for a lady that have suffered miscarriages without the knowledge of the husband to write off having children, and hide under the umbrella of something else. You don’t suddenly wake up one morning, change your mind and decide not to have children. Something happened, and it’s the responsibility of the husband, if he claims to love her as much as he does to fight for that family and find out what the trigger was.

  25. me

    September 19, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    this is certainly not a basis for divorce…dere will surely b times wen u dnt feel like being in ur marriage and dere wud b times u wud b happy u r married but dats no reason to leave it. ….Have u ever resigned from ur job just becos u didnt feel like going to work on a particular day?…have u ever disowned ur sister/brother just becos dey crossed ur path and u wished she was never ur sister..NO!!..u can’t disown ur family no matter d number of fights. cookie is his family and as a good xtian husband that jayden is..he shouldnt leave her becos they both promised for better n for worse. Shes obviously passing thru a phase in her life….This too shall pass!!

  26. me

    September 19, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    BN suggestions: pls dere shud b a like button under pples comments…i really like some pples comments here

  27. Bimpe

    September 19, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Maybe they are not ment for each other guess divorce is the answer…

  28. Dabota

    September 19, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    I think Jayden should call the wife and ask a real questions why she has to wake one morning and change her mind, there must be something she is not telling the husband. it’s either she can have more children or some thing is not ok with her. But above all pray to God and remind him of his words that say a man shall live his father and mother and thy shall be one. So there is notting prayer can not do.

  29. gina A

    September 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Hmmmmmmm,i choose nt 2 say much.bt wat ever are reasons her,she will definitely live 2 av regrets 4 dis particular decision.no mata wat we ar still Africans.

  30. true_talk

    September 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Person we get head no get cap; person we get cap no get head.
    My crazy side says, he sound leave her behind, there are lots of girls out there to replace her. However, God does not like divorce, so they both need to go for counseling and the dude needs to pray and seek God’s face. This is a tough situation to be in. Here’s got to be a reason why the girl changed her mind. If the guy can figure that out, he should commit the babe’s heart to God. Seems like he loves his wife; there is nothing God cannot do. May God save this marriage oh. Enough divorce among young people, biko.

  31. tatafo

    September 19, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    omo, this is a case of “some have food but cannot eat, some can eat but have no food…”
    to Jayden, all I can say is and this too shall pass. No matter what, it is good to know that there are some men out there who love their wives and value their marriages.
    Please don’t listen to useless advice like going outside to have kids it will only bring more complications.
    Like what others have said, seek counseling perhaps your talking to a mutual third party will bring out the true reason for not wanting kids. I’m rooting for you folks and hoping it will turn out to be case of her not wanting kids right now but rather a few years down the line.

  32. Mary007

    September 19, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    As a married woman sometimes marriage takes real hard work, the vows we take are clouded in the wedding activities and the frenzy of love, marriage is more than love, it is made up so many parts, good, the bad , the sweet, and the downright ugly but then again that’s the reality of our everyday lives, at this trying time J should do some soul searching if he would be able to put up with this for a while and this could be years, all the while praying as miracles do happen if you believe, if not his belief system should take over

  33. missme

    September 19, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Did he marry her for her child rearing abilities or for her personality? I’m suprised people are actually suggesting that a man should divorce his wife simply because she refuses to have children! Would you say the same thing to a man whose wife actually tried for kids but couldnt conceive? Let us not make comments for the sake of putting in our ‘two cents’ these are real lives were talking about here!

    • sett

      September 20, 2011 at 1:28 am

      it just makes you wonder o.

    • i agree

      September 20, 2011 at 8:08 am

      Did u read d article? It says they both agreed to have kids! If they got married, tried for kids and they couldn’t have a kid its different, he would have to stand by her in that situation! However what she is doing now is akin to fraud, she fraudulently induced him into getting married to her

    • HoneyDame

      September 20, 2011 at 2:38 pm

      Ha! I had been reading the comments and going like what?! If she developed a condition and lost her ability to get pregnant, different case. But in this case, it was just choice! She has a right to her choice to decide against bearing children and she has exercised it. If there isnt more to the story, for instance, there could be other tenable reasons why Cookie doesn’t want to have kids anymore, then I would advise him to re-evaluate that marriage sharp sharp!. If the shoe was on the other foot, my foot for instance, my behind will be out of there since yesterday. How can we have an agreement and then without mutual deliberation, you decide against it, given the circumstance….just like that?…Ko jo men! So Oga Jayden, do what you must but know that of you manage to keep that woman in the marriage and bear kids without being genuinely wanting it, you will be worse off it.
      By the way, that’s my opinion as an outside with no emotional attachment to you or your madam .Because at the end of the day, na you sabi your woman, your mind and your threshold for certain issues.

    • sett

      September 20, 2011 at 4:11 pm

      hahahha…dont’ men do it all the time? the promise one person forever and ka~boom they find a younger wife or find another wife if the one at home cant procreate.

    • jane

      September 22, 2011 at 11:29 am

      @missme, its nt “simply because”. they agreed to get married and BUILD a family together. if she is having cold feet and backin out now, as much as divorce isnt a good idea, it is fair enuf for both parties rite now. she is been really selfish and its nt fair @ all. i really do feel for the guy. cookie should be arrested for fraud!!!! they really shld go seperate ways joor

  34. ojaybaby

    September 19, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    every marriage has its issues.I really believe that Cookie was wrong in completely changing from what she had initially agreed on.it is very unfair.I think that intensive prayer is required.He should not give up on her yet and see that she will come around.I highly recommend christian marriage counselling.That way if there are any other prevailing issues, Cookie may be having that are not yet revealed,they can be dealt with.If anything she owes it to him to give it a shot.He should take it easy,i dont know his feelings but it must be very frustrating.Trust that everything will work out in time.God will see you through.

  35. Obi

    September 19, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    The problem is beyond to have or not to have kids. She’s now a stranger in their home. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with him fighting for his marriage, afterall, he’s fulfilling his own part of the vow he made “till death do us part”. He’s being a good guy unfortunately getting bad results. But it appears that as someone already said, Cookie’s problems seem like they are based on issues before the marriage. Its beyond trying to convince her. Some people unfortunately use divorce as a temporary solution to problems they wish to avoid instead of facing them squarely and being honest with themselves. Separation, though not always the answer, could help them in this case. Gives them time to evaluate their marriage privately in separate spaces. The writer mentioned Jayden is an optimistic Christian. This is a good time to fall back on his faith. It may not save his marriage, but it will give him strength and wisdom to live his life no matter the end result. Divorce is a pain, but staying married to someone who has rejected you is even more pain. They need to involve non-preachy Christian counselors that will address their problem without bias and offer practical advice. They need to address the hidden problems before bringing a child into this world; if they eventually decide to have kids together.

  36. Midae

    September 19, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    I never comment on post but i cldn’t resist this one. One God hates divorce. Two people divorce is never and has never been the answer, most pple who have divorced once tend to divorce again and again and again, y because once an issue arises they prefer to run rather than fight. Fighting for your marriage (depending on the issue) sometimes might take years to finally resolve but some pple quit after a couple of months. Ever heard the saying “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water”. Pple don’t let our generation be one that runs to divorce as a “solution” at the first sign of a problem, whoever said marriage will be a bed of roses there will always be ups and downs but you always have to remember y u decided this person was the one you want to spend the rest of your life with in the beginning.

  37. cynthia

    September 19, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    the only solution to this is for them to adopt a baby/ a child that is atleast 5 or over and it will help the economy becos their are many childern that don’t have family and wish to have one

  38. Tiki

    September 20, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Cookie cookie cookie! The gal has got balls, I’ll give her that. Jayden, that girl is not gonna change her mind. Her issue aint kids, its you. If it were kids, and she loved you, she’d think of other ways to give you what you want, eg adopt, ask you to become a stay-at-home dad, whatever. if she wants to go to New York to be a make-up artist (pretty lame job to relocate for, if you ask me), then what she’s really trying to do is get away from you. I hate to say this, but unless there are some facts we don’t know, counselling et al won’t change her mind. Do you even want her to, knowing she might change it again, this time when pregnant, and maybe abort the baby or something? Cut your losses, man, and move on – she doesn’t deserve you and your honesty.

  39. jhummie

    September 20, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    I think there is more to this than not having kids.If she wants divorce then i advice that he gives her what she wants. Who knows they might not even be meant for each other.

  40. Mosunmola

    September 20, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Hmmm. I’d like to agree with Tiki to some extent.
    When things like this happen, there has invariably been a ‘shift’.
    And every ‘shift’ in an individual’s mindset has a source, or should i say a beginning? Trust me Cookie is not crazy. She doesn’t need therapy as some people suggested. She probably needs God though.
    I’d advice they communicate. I say this because when only one person is working so hard to save a relationship(e.g. marriage), it means the other person is no longer interested. Hence, this person puts NO effort into trying. Going to New York?? She just wants to get away from the situation. Communication would help in getting to the root of the issue. Jayden should get to the bottom of this sudden change of heart. He deserves to know why. If its something that can be worked out(e.g. waiting longer to have kids), then good. If not, he really needs to pray because it means Cookie has TOTALLY lost interest in the marriage.
    I don’t support divorce but in this case i’d say give her the damn divorce.

  41. GOB

    September 21, 2011 at 2:15 am

    Mosunmola, just a point of correction, therapy is not only for crazies, It’s also for people trying to sort through certain issues in life, issues they have not been able to solve themselves. For all advocating divorce, what ever happened to for better , or for WORSE, I guess this is their worse, and I suggest they work through it, this is no basis for divorce, and ultimately, God hates divorce.

  42. HoneyDame

    September 21, 2011 at 4:34 am

    lmao…..I just can’t help but laugh at all these quotes on how much God hates divorce. The other activities that we, as human beings indulge in that God hates too nko? Also, working through it as a couple might would have been the way to go IF she had a willingness to make it work. From all said, it doesnt look like she is. She even offered the divorce. There is definitley more to the story than meets the eye. If he can, he should engage her in a discussion to know what the real problem(s) are. If she isnt wiling to stay in the marriage, there is only so much he can do!

  43. Mosunmola

    September 21, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Dear GOB,
    When i said ‘crazy’, i meant it in a wide sense. Covers irrational too. I don’t think therapy is just for the loonies.

  44. gloria

    September 21, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    I am a woman tooo, [email protected] probably seeing some1, she’s no longer interested in the marriage.Jayden is even lucky that they dnt have kids yet which makes things easy for him. she’s only making lame excuse , coz, she ll might still av kids and abandon them someday. she’s made up her mind, jayden don marry him boss

  45. lami

    September 21, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    Why did she get married if she knew she wasn’t ready? she should have faced her career heads on. You can’t eat your cake and have it, how can you just default on a mutual agreement? Anyways there are two sides to any story, maybe she was pressured into the marriage because if this is all there is to the story, she is just plain selfish and insensitive.

  46. Mariam

    September 21, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Divorce is an option because life is all about choices.Everyone has been talking about how divorce is not an option because the bible doesn’t support it.
    Hello!!! not everyone is a christian and the article didn’t actually specify that the couple are Christians. If Jayden is unhappy in his marriage because of this major issue, I suggest he should pray about it and if things doesn’t change, he should leave.At least he’s been trying to hold on and save the marriage, there is a limit to how much one person can take.There is no point in living his life in misery.
    If he’s asked Enkay to write this article, it must be really bugging him.So just because you’re not happy somewhere does not mean you should get stuck there and be too afraid to try somewhere else.
    PS; Islam does support divorce, because no one should live in misery at the expense of another person.

  47. ziggy

    September 21, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Dear Jayden, marry me 😀

    • AWEsome

      October 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

      lol….he already asked me 🙂 🙂 🙂
      …. vvery deep topic but i hv nothing to add….

  48. Mariam

    September 21, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    By the way, honeydame’s comment makes sense jare! Yes Bellanaija, you need to include “like button” with the comment boxes.

  49. Linda

    September 21, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Wow, this is “high treason” from Cookie… Pele Jayden….
    Maybe she has some insecurities that one of her mums could easily wipe off; a career woman with kids is almost always at fault if anything goes wrong in her house in some context, so that could be a reason.
    May God give us His kind of heart oh…

  50. ted

    September 22, 2011 at 11:41 am

    May God give us His kind of heart oh…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA9EN2opAkc

  51. angel orakwe

    September 22, 2011 at 11:42 am

    WHAT CAN I SAY,ITS SO SAD THAT JAYDEN IS MARRIED AND NOT HAPPY THO TRYIN HARD TO KEEP HIS MARRIAG,KIDS ARE FROM GOD SO I WONDER WHY COOKIE DOSENT WANT THEM,KIDS WLDNT AFFECT UR CAREER IF U PLACE THEM WELL..TAKE FOR EXAMPLE **KIMORA**SHE HAS KIDS AND IS A BLOODY CARRER LADY BT YET SH DOES THE BOTH AND WELL TOO.SO SORRY JAYDEN ITS UR CHOICE NOW TO MAKE BUT U SURE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

  52. Jester Antonio Caowinhim

    September 22, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Jayden needs to get out of there! Either Cookie lied to get him, is trying to get rid of him, or is a psycho who changes her life plans every three years. In any case, it’s not a good idea to stick around.

  53. ayo

    September 22, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Dt chick may av izuz wit her fertility/reproductive organz 4 all I care or she iz seeing som1else! D dude shd get out of d union joor!no long thing! Al dt bible ish na story!God hates many things we all do evryday! Abegy!

  54. debby

    September 22, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    he is a really good guy i give him kudos for that but he should give her a little time during which he should check her closely is she seeing someone? Does she have a medical problem e.t.c after getting his findings he should talk to her but if she still insist on divorce he should let her go sometimes when man rejects us is GOD’S way of directing us to the right path.

  55. Toksyb

    September 23, 2011 at 2:48 am

    I don’t think it is really about having kids, and that is why they need to see a therapist or someone he knows his wife respects and sees as a role model. She might have fallen in love with another man outside and obviously will do anything to leave her marriage to be with this other man.

  56. Naveah

    September 23, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    This wan get as e be o ah! I feel so so bad for Jayden! Because usually it’s the guy who is reluctant about changing the dynamics of a relationship with children but in this case, it’s the woman and it seems to have come out of left field which has left him dazed. Personally, my guts tell me that home girl was probably not sure if she wanted children before the marriage and probably got swept up in his enthusiasm. I think she made up her mind as the marriage progress and figures she didn’t have to worry about it for a few years until he began to bring it up in discussion. This situation is not like changing one’s mind about what to wear on a date. And let me add, I think home girl is no longer interested in home boy…I would go as far as to say that it isn’t only the career that has replaced him, she is probably seeing someone because this kind of switcheroo in attitude and some fundamental values that she had previously doesn’t just come out of no where…something triggered a deep change…Unless girlfriend is bi-polar or a schzoid, she is giving all that attention to more than her blush brush!

    Jayden is obviously willing to fight for this marriage while Cookie is bowing out the door ass first. If he’s serious about it, if she’s really worth it, he should seek counseling for himself individually and as a couple. He would need to talk with her, listen to her views HONESTLY which means really hearing what she’s saying and NOT what he wants to hear and that will inform his next step. I don’t know if this is a matter of bringing in family members, this is something that they need to deal with by themselves with an OBJECTIVE, professional in family counseling be it of the secular or clerical kind. When did the disillusion/dissatisfaction come about? It’s permeated her career – from Nursing (left brain activity/practical) to Makeup Artist (right brain activity/creative), from excited wife with a hope to have a house full of children to career woman with only freedom on her mind? When did that happen… She is cold and unattentive one minute and then she’s sweet and all about him the next? He needs to pinpoint that curve where the change took place, it might not make sense to him but it does to her.

    May God guide them.

  57. Alex

    September 27, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Cookie, if you are reading this that’s good. Well am not going to judge you. But let me remind you that marriage is a convenant, a vow, a committment, and that you just can’t wake up one morning to cut off your head. You and your husband has become one flesh, since you won’t hurt your physical flesh, why hurt your husband with your decisions. This wasn’t the agreement when you were in a relationship. Why break the agreement? Let me let you in on this, when a covenant is broken, it accompany with it the unfavourables. Bet u don’t want that for your life.
    Now to Jayden, you are not completely exempted, i want to you to ask your self some very seriuos questions, and then provide sincere answers to them. Then I like u to read this book LOVE DARE and watch the movie FIRE PROOF. Then seriously committ this to your Maker.
    Finally, ask your wife some questions about her past. Perhaps something from the past is fuelling this decisions, but she’s just trying to use present haddenings to cover it all up. All the best.

  58. Uche

    September 28, 2011 at 8:18 am

    I’m still at that stage where I still have the right to choose what I want to be and am also a fan of gender equality gist… so my take is JayDen… did you emphasize the children aspect??? If you did, she gave you what you wanted to hear, and you took it, got married and now are paying the price for gullibility, or she got into the career and doesn’t want out… I mean career and kids is not such a good combination, only a talented mum can do the stress. are you ready for the work that comes with the kids? or do you just want them just because?let her officially build her career, trust me, her motherly instincts will be screaming for children…

  59. Umo

    September 28, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    D fing is ,since it was a decisn she made on d oda syd of d altar,it could be dat,its jst a phase of er lyf n will prolly soon pass.howeva,he cnt jst sit n fold his arms waitin4it2pass coz it may not.i suggest he tries adoptin an infant,prolly ova tym, she wil cum2luv d child n begin2yearn4hers.it cuts both ways tho,she may dislike kids all d more ova tym,buh dre’s no harm in tryn.
    It cld also help if he tells sme1 she respects2talk2her.all she may nid may be sme12talk sense in2her head!!..
    http://www.scoopinspiration.com

  60. malowal

    September 29, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Interestingly, we discussed this in church. Jayden will be advised to:
    1. Try to reason with her
    2. If she isn’t listening, involve her family members and his
    3. If that doesn’t work, involve their faith leaders (church or mosque)
    if after all of the above she is still not interested in saving the marriage or having children, dear Jayden, move on.

  61. Woman

    October 2, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    Obi and Mosunmola I agree with you. Divorce acccording t bible is allowed in cases of fraud or adultery. Most marriages these days don’t have the “right foundation” (The Almighty Father) and thus divorce is rampant, whether one marries in the church or mosque doesn’t change THAT FACT. That being said, I think its better that there are no children involved NOW cause Cookie doesn’t want them. Marriage works because BOTH parties involved makes it work, sometimes one person may carry the burden for sometime but that can only last so long, if the other party doesn’t wakeup and start doing his/her part it is bound to fail.

  62. left

    October 6, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    her womb is damaged

    • xFunmziex

      December 9, 2011 at 12:16 am

      LOL to “left” No long tingg straight up” er womb is damaged” u dnt wanna waist ur saliva..Personally as fr as i know bout the couple from the article that behaviour is outrageouse how can she just decide that has she just forgotten about her other half her husband and the fact that he has a life too and also tthat when they got married they became 1. Imean she didnt even discuss it with him she isnt even considering hes feelings arghh i just cant get my head round it honestly and weve all been COMENTING ON COOKIE AND JAYDEN WHAT ABOUT IBIKUNLE.that was such an awful thing to say too hes wife tho she brought it upon herself by marrying him. BUT then again Cookie how can you just say that im not havin kids anymore period to ur husband not ur boyfriend oooo or fiance. Imagineeeeee wonders SMH God please intevaine

  63. 'Misola

    October 19, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Cookie won’t be the first mom to have a good make-up career if she ends up having kids. I believe she is selfish and consciously decided not to consider Jayden. He should flee!

  64. Shabazz

    October 20, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    God knows that I’ll not hesitate for one minute before I divorce her, we both agreed to have kids not like I’m trying to impose my will on her. She can go ahead to have her makeup job in Paris or Milan but God knows my kids will be major reasons for laughter and happiness when I grow older can’t let her deprive of the joy of handling dirty diapers.

  65. Ade

    October 21, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    This is coming rather late, but then i’m just seeing this. Whyis everyone refering him to God, forgive me I’m not an atheist but give God a break and sort out problems that he as already given you brain to solve. as for this man he can reach me through my mail, talk2peejay…… imvery fertile….. okay let me cut the crap… you are a rare guy, go for counselling(with the right person) pray about it and move on with your life… ciao

  66. Olivia chidera

    October 26, 2011 at 5:51 am

    Its so obvious she choose her career over him and their plans for a family,my candid advice,the same i would give to my brother,he should let her go

  67. wiseman

    October 30, 2011 at 3:05 am

    Divorce could seem the easiest way out but experience has shown its actually the hard way out. Who knows, the lady in question may have been living in the closet all these years and only married because of what society would say and now wants to move out because the USA welcomes all forms of perversion. Also, could be in her younger years she damaged her womb and could not say it, married and now wants out so atleast she can tell people she tried marriage and it did not work out. The world is a mysterious place,even couples married for 30years still get to know each other daily.

  68. Acer Iconia Review

    November 17, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    You could not be more on the money.

  69. ida

    March 17, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    a relationship takes two to tango. It takes a lot of compromise and understanding to make it work. However, if one party is the only one trying and seeing the possibility of the success without the other person sharing those views or dreams, then it will just be tiring exercise that ‘may’ just lead to futility.
    I think Jayden should try but, if its not working, he may as well take a walk. It may even be then that she’ll come to her senses.

  70. kayjay

    May 10, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    i think cookie is not really saying what she wants and is only hiding behind not wanting kids to vent some deep seated issues. There’s more to this issue than meets the eye and i think Jayden should seat her down as a friend now (not a partner) and ask her to honestly trust him and confide in him what the problem is. African women dont just pick careers over children and say they want a divorce just cos the hubby wants kids. it may be that she cant have kids medically and is afraid to tell him cos she feels he may reject and hate her so she wants to bail out with the best excuse she can think of.

    he should be more understanding more he engages her in a discussion cos of the 3Fs- fright, fight and flight

  71. Ann

    August 16, 2012 at 12:44 am

    My advice is that the husband should kp praying and he should seek to find out the heart contents of his wife. We women can hide n kp things in perfectly when we want to. Husband, love ur wife n draw her out. What’s troubling her? Is the problem u? U seem like a good man though. So it may just be that ur wife has fallen for that career trap thing! Some n most women can not resist money or the idea of big money n independence they get or they can get from a career. But pls, our families n marriages ought to take first place before that career. People r more important than careers or money.

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