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Mission Impossible: I’m Building a Mate!

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Today my spirit is vexed o. Allow me please to vent for a minute. You see, the other day, I was having a conversation with a girlfriend of mine and she was telling me about how she is frustrated with her bobo all because he simply refuses to change into the man she can spend her life with. You see this my friend is constantly changing the requirements that the bobo needs to be with her; Such as –

  • He must call her often but not too much.
  • He must want to see her but not all the time.
  • He must kiss her well but not too seductively.
  • He must continuously wine and dine her because she refuses to cook.

…Can you imagine? PSCHEWW while other women out here are praying/begging/scouring/fasting for any kind of man to pay them attention, she has the nerve to complain.

You see all women have requirements and occasionally the requirements go as such: Tall, dark, handsome, well-groomed, well traveled, God- fearing, courageous, outspoken but not too bold, funny, sensitive but masculine enough to take out an entire army if need be. In addition to this, he must go to work and volunteer in his spare time. He must be considerate and surprise her with “just because I’m thinking of you gifts”. He must be a keeper of time. He dare not forget her birthday, anniversary of the first day they met, anniversary of their first kiss, anniversary of the first time he said “I love you”, anniversary of the first time he opened the car door for her and the list goes on. He must have multiple degrees so that she can brag about his success and be the envy of all of her friends. And most importantly, he must be a non drinker, non smoker, non curser, non clubber. He must not be easily angered, and must attend all church functions ; in fact he must camp out at the church parking lot the night before so that he will be on time for service in the morning.

In all honesty, we women are guilty of not only having unrealistic expectations in what a man should be but continuously changing those expectations based on our moods or feelings that day. Yes, as in magically, we should point our finger while saying “abracadabra” and he turns from a man with likes and habits of baba suwe to the charm, sophistication, that beholds the great Idris Elba/Barack Obama. No wonder a lot of the bobos out here are afraid of commitment. Who can blame them? They are never sure who they should be. Perhaps one week they should be charming like Will Smith, then another week be balling like Jay-Z, then another be funny like Steve Harvey and six months down the line be musically talented like D-banj. It is absolutely impossible to expect him to change day by day.

Okay, so you want him to go to church faithfully and be on time abi? No wahala, when you yourself only get to church in time to hear the pastor say his closing remarks and share the grace. Not to mention while you’re there you’re constantly checking your phone for text messages to see if there are any new comments on your photo/status on your social network page. You want him to be able to quote the bible abi? No wahala, when all you know is the Genesis and Revelations and you think the names Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are luxury end cars. You don’t want him to drink or club abi? No wahala, but you forget that it is in a club you met him where he bought you and your friends drinks. Okay, so he should not curse but let someone bypass you without signaling on the road, the atrocity that will project from your mouth. Ladies please I beg of you to stop this nonsense and take it from a woman who has attempted and failed oh so miserably at this impossible mission. You cannot expect a man to have attributes and values that you yourself do not have nor can uphold. Remember, you get what you put out. Stop trying to change a man into something he is not or ready to be, you will only suffer yourself in the end and you may even end up with a life threatening condition called “chronic abandonment a la nagging”–a condition where a man leaves you each time due to excessive nagging.

So here are my final remarks. Not one person on this earth is perfect; therefore stop trying to alter your significant other week by week into what you think would be perfect. You see human beings have this characteristic of “what you see is what you get”. It’s like going into a car dealership buying a Camry and then getting home hoping/wishing/rain dancing that it will turn into Aston-Martin. It’s never going to happen. Know what you’re looking for in a mate and set your standards. Remember your mate is not your accessory to make you look good, he is your compliment. Be realistic. Accept nothing less than respect, loyalty, unconditional love, patience, and compassion in a partner.

Hello all! My name is Temi and I am a full time health care provider. As if work is not enough, I figured I needed a hobby to keep me busy. I am terrified of pets, so I knew that idea wouldn't work. I am a homebody so I knew outdoor things were out of the question. What more else could I do than what I am already a great at—yep you got it, running my mouth :-) I am a random person and I say the most random things. Sorry I don't have a mute button. Blame my father, not me. He looked at my mom when they brought me home and said "how come her lips poke out like that? she's going to be a trouble maker" and BAMMMM there you have it. I love to write so I figured why not start putting all of my crazy thoughts down and share it with the world. It's like virtual counseling. I get to free my mind and you all get a good laugh or least say "thank goodness I’m not her” :-) Anywho I started started a blog called J'adoreAfrika. Why? Because I love all things African. Some of my topics are serious, some funny, some downright ludicrous. I sure hope you enjoy. https://www.facebook.com/pages/JadoreAfrika/167835743325486 http://jadoreafrika.tumblr.com/

63 Comments

  1. Nike

    February 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Hmmm, lovely article. But ts not only Naija women that can be blamed for this. The men are just as guilty. They want a lady outside with a supermodel body, a chef in the kitchen and a freak in the bedroom. Until maturity and reality sets in, both sexes will be guilty of this.

  2. Psalm1

    February 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Really interesting and funny read.’You think shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are luxury end cars’LWKMD. But seriously, these things are true. You only attract what you are. You cannot expect from others, what you aren’t, it’s absolutely unfair.
    I think it’s the reason why there are so many failed marriages-unmet unrealistic expectations. And not only Ladies are guilty of this, guys surely are too.
    It’s time we got REAL with ourselves.

  3. cathy

    February 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    very well put together dear

  4. Still

    February 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Well said, but is it too much to want a few important things? After all, ur spouse is a reflection of u.. Iron sharpeneth iron*** If sisters enter a room and come out smiling they have not told each other the truth*** A few words of advice that will make ur spouse/partner/boyfriend a better person said in the right tone at the right time is acceptable.

    • onyx

      February 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm

      I think one fact that Temi’s trying to clarify is that if you want important things in that person, you better be changing your own life in line with those important issues as well. Eg. the “whole meeting a bobo in a club and then complaining 2months later that he’s not willing to change his clubbing ways” thing. No one’s saying that men shouldn’t aspire to better habits/characters but we should expect change realistically and also be applying those changes to our own lives.

    • Ijeoma

      February 17, 2012 at 3:53 pm

      Also, if you have certain things that are important to you and he’s not meeting them, you have to face the possibility that you both need to move on (and it probably would be for the better), unless you’re ready to compromise on those things. Don’t expect him to be anything else but what he is.

  5. #PointMade

    February 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Somebody shout ‘Gbam’! Right on point.

    • lafunky

      February 17, 2012 at 3:11 pm

      GBAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!! The title of the article caught my attention.

  6. DR

    February 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Well said but guys are equally guilty…..

  7. Mina

    February 17, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Well everyman wants a cook in the kitchen and a freak in the bedroom .Girl you may lack all other qualities but if you lack these two, rumour has it that he will be leaving you for “her”

    • john

      February 17, 2012 at 10:43 pm

      I don’t want my girl to be all cooking and I know not every man wants his wife in the kitchen.

  8. lafunky

    February 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    Gbam! This article is on point. Ladies should remember that when they have a list of things they want in a guy, the guy also would have a list of things he wants in a woman. Do we realistically think we will tick all the boxes?
    Some ladies think they are ‘perfect’ and they shouldn’t be attracting the ‘wrong’ guy. One must definitely examine herself to see why one is moaning.
    Let’s embrace our fiancé/bf/hubby, there are people out there who are fasting and praying all the time to find their own Mr/Mrs Right.
    Sometimes, some people would see a guy that really likes them, yet, they will be focussing on irrelevant things such as: he doesn’t use the right tenses, he didn’t school abroad, he doesn’t have a masters degree, his surname sounds weird, I can’t introduce him to my friends, he’s quite boring, he’s not tall and handsome, he doesn’t attend the same church as me, I don’t like that he’s now a worker in church, he’s an SU, he’s not rich enough, etc.
    Imagine, what the guy also would be thinking about you. Let’s be realistic peeps!!! Temi.K is not saying we should settle for less but for individuals to focus on their own character/way of life, etc.

    • u-jay

      February 20, 2012 at 10:56 pm

      [email protected] surname sounds weird,and hw is dat his fault?

  9. Ruby

    February 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Temi, you are going to receive a lot of insult cos most ladies don’t like the truth. If they receive this from you, their sentence/comment won’t be complete except they conclude by saying men are the same/guilty of this too.

    I wanted to analyze but i will summarize all in a sentence/paragraph.

    Most ladies are not ready to marry/settle down. Many are living in a dream world and those things they say they want can only be gotten in their dreams.

    • lafunky

      February 17, 2012 at 4:18 pm

      Very true. I concur with your comment.

  10. Umo

    February 17, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Well spoken!…I av just 1question……wat is it wit guys n their ex-s?…..so in addition2playing yhur role in d relatnshp,u also av2 fight to keep his ex girlfriends @bay??….aw funny!……i believe dt wen pple can walk away4rm u,let dem walk!…i dnt believe in talkin anyone into caring or luving me coz my destiny ain’t tied2d person hu left!…..we all just gats know wen pple’s part in our story is over!……

  11. Rolake

    February 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    On point ooooo! I had a guy friend that I tried so hard to hook one of my girl friends up with. Her only issue? “He’s too dark, and too short abeg, I like taller guys” (the babe is black and 5’2 o, he’s 5’8), she never got to know him. My guy friend didn’t even say a word about it. Two months later, the guy starts to chase ME like no man’s business…and he is amazing! Well the rest, they say, is history lol…now she goes “see? You should be thanking me for not agreeing for him o, if not you guys wouldn’t be together now”. As iiinnnn? LMBO!
    Moral of the story? That man who isn’t good enough for you might just be the best thing that God dropped on the planet.
    Thanks, Temi, for also emphasizing that working on yourself is the first step in attracting the right kind of person. 🙂

    • Chi-ka

      February 17, 2012 at 3:50 pm

      I think in this case, she couldn’t have made him use bleaching cream or forced him to wear heels, so she didn’t even try loool. Babes sha!

    • Temi K.

      February 20, 2012 at 4:52 am

      oh wow! Good one o. lucky you. im sure your friend is kicking herself now 🙂

  12. ME

    February 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    LOL….rili luvly article. i am actually guilty of expectn too much from my guy………

  13. bih

    February 17, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    this article reminded me of maself..lol i have had uncountable bobos cos of my expectations…i guess its high time i bring em down cos i aint perfect as well…

    • Sandy

      March 25, 2012 at 5:06 pm

      me too #cnt watch#

  14. Twix

    February 17, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    “chronic abandonment a la nagging” lwkmd……whoo whoo whoo .. Temi K you rock!!!

  15. modupe

    February 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    very lovely piece. thanks 4 d advice.

  16. PurpleiciousBabe

    February 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Nice article…. maybe just maybe when we stop being superficial and vain we can see beyond our noses….

    He must call her often but not too much.
    He must want to see her but not all the time.
    He must kiss her well but not too seductively.
    He must continuously wine and dine her because she refuses to cook.he needs to call me at a certain time etc.

    What sort of rules are these??? he aint even asked u to be his wife yet?? what happens then he wont sleep nor eat. lol.

    I must admit am fussy and have my own personal REALISTIC standards ohh and I am happy to say by his grace I meet them if not exceeding some aspects. I believe as some comments have been made “you attract what you ARE”. That is it point blank. You cant expect jack if you aint ready to deliver or have an idea what to deliver.

    Life is give and take jor, no one is mumu or medemede if u want him to be fit abeg work on those love handles(speaking to myself lol). If you want him to be romantic abeg try small sef show him what romance is about…….

    All in all, we all have idealogies that are embbeded in our mindset and we fail to realise that some of these idealogies are not realistic and does not count, besides we are no perfect. So both men and women take temi’s K advice real well(improve).

    Life is a learning process so make an attempt to improve.

  17. cutie

    February 17, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    “He dare not forget the anniversary of their first kiss, anniversary of the first time he said “I love you”, anniversary of the first time he opened the car door for her..” LMAO. Article is on point! <3!

  18. Chief Oloja

    February 17, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Temi K has spoken. Let those who have ears listen 🙂

  19. Jemimah

    February 17, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Nice article. We can’t change others BUT we can change. When we change the world around us changes so do the people. Life flows from within us to the outside not outside in. What we give out is an insight into what’s going on inside us. Unrealistic demands are a reflection on the one making them. Insecurity, low self-esteem, people not loving themselves, not knowing who you are…Jesus can help get things right with ourselves first and then we can engage in loving relationships where we inspire each other to be better in a healthy way.

  20. leye

    February 17, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    I actually agreed wif this, †̥ ̶̴̳̐̿̾̈́͠Ɛ̤̥̝̈̊̊ guys pls don’t let us jz see this as an excuse †̥ start faking our personalitym let’s jz b wu w are…….

  21. NUBIANWATERS

    February 17, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    Oh my days! This article has left me in stitches…..lmpao!

    Bottom line: A lot of ladies are clueless as to what is needful. Rather, they allow the media, friends & frenemies to control their decision making. What the heck! I believe life should be taken as it is. You either face the reality and accept what you see or find that which works for you. …..

    http://nubianwaters.wordpress.com

  22. john

    February 17, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    I got a lot on my mind to remember first kiss, anniversary and all the 1st stuff. That is asking for too much from a guy(boy friend).

    • letthemsay

      March 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

      lol…your name is John and you are talking bout first kiss from a boyfriend….lmao..ok…nuff said

  23. Moneycar

    February 18, 2012 at 12:04 am

    A very wonderful, truthful and worthy-of-learning article. Nice one Temi.

  24. NaijaGurl

    February 18, 2012 at 5:43 am

    Seriously laughing @”he must camp out at the church parking lot the night before so that he will be on time for service in the morning”. Oh mehn

  25. missA

    February 18, 2012 at 10:38 am

    funny but true article. read an article that also addressed these issues. it was titled standards vs ideals. standards are what Temi k listed, ideals are what she is ranting about. we should do away with ideals and embrace standards.

  26. kcee

    February 18, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    My dear please tell them ooo !!! When they clock 34 they will now become desperate and eventually end up marrying those far worse than those they were fronting for when they were younger. People should learn to be realistic.

  27. Dee

    February 18, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Word!

  28. Maegan A. Whisnant

    February 19, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Abi oo!!! Tell them girl. I had a girlfriend just like that. Her list was ridiculous; and she kept wondering why she IS still single. Anyway, as good friends, we can only hope that they will learn from their mistakes. Another well written article, by the way :).

  29. Sola

    February 20, 2012 at 1:41 am

    Funny ish and so true. Im so easy to please, that’s probably why I’m always his baby.

  30. rose

    February 20, 2012 at 3:37 am

    This just got me cracking – “Stop trying to change a man into something he is not or ready to be, you will only suffer yourself in the end and you may even end up with a life threatening condition called “chronic abandonment a la nagging”–a condition where a man leaves you each time due to excessive nagging.”
    Nice one.

  31. rogotigi

    February 20, 2012 at 10:03 am

    BN, y cnt I share this piece!!! Its sooo true n on-point.

  32. minister

    February 20, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Well said but just hope dey learn

  33. Delbert Marchessault

    February 20, 2012 at 11:33 pm

    Hm, Now i am ok with this however not utterly positive, therefore i’m gonna research a tad bit more.

  34. MISSGLAM

    February 21, 2012 at 10:52 am

    hahaha…..funnily serious (if there’s a word like dat….) article…well written..

  35. Jamce

    February 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Hmmm, sounds very familiar. I have a female friend whom I toasted and was genuinely in love with. She showed signs of interest bcos I just returned from my Masters program in the UK. Didn’t realize she had always wanted to live abroad or just have this thing for guys with some pedigree. Suddenly, my sweet girl says lets put everything on hold till further notice as she can’t really feel a commitment. And suddenly again, a mutual friend living in the US came into the picture as the new Mr. Right and it dawned on me that I needed to run fast and which I did thankfully. I’ve been married for over 13 years and my female friend is still searching for her Mr. Right even to the extent of waltzing back to me with some lame excuses of being afraid of some of my traits which she felt uncomfortable with. I only chuckled and tongue in cheek told her that it is all in the past. I encouraged her nicely to keep her heart open and trust God for “her very own Mr. Right”.

    Ladies, try and be realistic to a reasonable extent. In my opinion, you can love any body if you truly make up your mind to give it a try. Who knows what kind of man “the-not-so-good” man would turn out to be as you try to build a home together with true commitment.

  36. bad boi emeritus

    February 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    270BD50D…. I once told a lady I was watching my weight financially>>> when I was asn undergraduate…haaaaa hhahaha but I do believe in my own phrase:
    NO Romance without FInance> period!

  37. Naveah

    February 21, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    It is good to have standards and deal breakers but please BOTH ladies AND gentlemen need to be realistic in their assessement of individuals they plan on dating with the hope of turning the relationship into something permanent. I had my list of things I was looking for in a man, every woman AND man does because if you are going to spend the rest of your life with a person, you must be happy; however, what is realistic for one person might seem unrealistic to another. I think if the criteria is based solely on what a person can spend, how good the sex is and not on shared views on morality, spirituality, values and ethics, there might be a problem and it is not to say that love will put food on the place or that sex isn’t important but let’s be real. I had my list of things I was not willing to compromise which appeared to other people as too high a standard, for example, I did NOT want to end up with a man who had been divorced or had children from a previous relationship. Well, due to the fact that I was in my early thirties, some friends and family members thought I was being unrealistic and narrowing my dating choice. I did date men who had children to give them a fair chance in case I met one that really would blow my mind so much so that I could give up that one little deal breaker, it did not happen (thank God and God bless Annie Macaulay LOL). I got what I asked God for, a husband who came with many of the qualities so much so that I could check off my list INCLUDING never having been married and sans child(ren).

  38. moyo

    February 21, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    “chronic abandonment a la nagging”– really a life threatening condition…loool… i seriously think both parties shouldnt expect too much from each other. with the fear of God, love and mutal respect for each other, they can sail through together…

  39. Emmanuel

    February 21, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    hmmm!, Another marriage counsellor in the making after Bimbo Odukoya, keep @ it.
    This is a faithful saying, the very truthful one indeed.

  40. missoyi

    February 22, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    That was a very nice and funny as well… we tend to be judgmental and not seeing the good in those men- not even giving them a chance to improve if need be.
    Thanks Temi K and keep it coming!

  41. Fine woman

    February 22, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I like this

  42. ANSLEM Ozor

    February 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    truly truly…a leopard cannot change the spots on his skin
    A man accustomed to certain way of life is like a fish that has been caught in a net.
    To change a man’s ways…. if you can, talk him into it, pray for him and be involved in his daily regimen
    let him see the reason he hast to change,,,,,, but be ready for some “shakedowns along the way

  43. Omalichanwa

    February 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Bn pls i wnt 2 share dis

  44. sazi

    February 24, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    next time you have that kind of conversation with any body,please splash water on her face or if she is close to a pool,u must push her into it,so she can snap into reality,it reminds me of this boarding house prayers,some have food but can not eat,lol…..

    • Sandy

      March 25, 2012 at 4:57 pm

      lwkmd……my thoughts..

  45. olamma

    February 26, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    lwkmd @ ‘anniversary of the first time he opened the car door for her’

  46. wemimo

    March 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    lolz…..hillarious is an undersstatement…bt truthfully maybe dts y am so single….

  47. Jojo

    March 24, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    LOL…hilarious article couldn’t stop smiling throughout..”he must be a non drinker, non smoker, non curser, non clubber”. Having certain expectations of a guy/girl should only be thought about if you do so yourself, thanks for bringing it out to other people’s notice as it is very easy to forget, I frequently do so myself. In regards to Mission Impossible, women/men think it they buy the Camry and change the seats, engine, stereo etc it will magically turn into a Porsche, sorry it ain’t gonna happen 🙂

  48. JB

    March 28, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    Read it, loved it! Absolutely true and wonderfully written…

  49. iamfascinating

    April 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Lol. the key thing is accepting your spouse for who they are. You really cant change noone. Prayer can help but listen to what God is saying too.

  50. Josh

    April 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    This is why most ladies fall prey to “fakes”.My advice,if he turns to whatever u wish he becomes..”… Will Smith to …D’Banj”,watch it!
    Ladies,this calls for maturity and reason.Nice one dear.

  51. Tobi Kunle

    April 18, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    LMAO! “he must camp out at the church parking lot the night before so that he will be on time for service in the morning.” Too funny

  52. alicia

    June 6, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    @mina, na real rumor has it she is the one he is leaving you for, appealing and appetizzzzzzzziiinnggg. even with the fact that you just dnt wanna push him or make nay rules,, he is still not there. am avictim iof that and i tend to accepot the relationship that way even when we know we love ourselves to death but tribalism and degrees wont let us be

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