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When A Man Says “NO”… To Sex!

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We all know that a woman can and will say no to sex when it does not suit her. It is said that the woman is more in control of her desires than any man can ever hope to be. Women go months without sex, while the strongest man can manage a few weeks at best. For a woman there are so many factors to be considered – the time, the place, the sheets on the bed, her level of emotional commitment, the amount of discretion at play, her hormones, and the prospective partner. Men on the other hand do not have so many hang-ups. It is assumed that we act first and then think later. We do not have inconvenient headaches, the time and place does not really matter, anytime and anyplace, even when in the throes of malaria or depression, men are ready for action. So it may come as a surprise that men have been known to say NO to sex.

A couple of things inspired this write-up: first was the 2010 movie “Ca$h” which starred the Australian actor, Chris Hemsworth in his first Hollywood movie, perennial bad guy, Sean Bean and Victoria Profeta. In the movie, Chris’ and Victoria’s characters are a married couple who stumble upon stolen cash and embark on a spending spree. Sean Bean’s character is the twin brother of the robber who stole the money but got arrested by the police. So Sean Bean tracks down the couple and proceeds to retrieve every cent of the original sum stolen by his brother. He moves into the couple’s home and makes their life a misery. Now at some point in the movie, the wife tries to seduce Sean Bean’s character as a way of getting him to let them go. Initially he is interested but suspecting her motives, he rebuffs her saying, “You’re offended I rejected your offering of p****?” Hurt, she walks away. The second thing was a story my friend Sola shared about how he was hit on by a woman recently. On his way home from work and wanting to relax, he stopped at his favourite spot for a couple of drinks. A young lady approached him and they got talking; after an hour or so of getting to know each other, she invited him over to her place saying that she would like to “get to know him better”. He refused saying that he was not the type to pay for sex. She got angry and said that she was not that kind of girl and that she just liked him. So they went to her place and she made moves and all but homeboy was not comfortable. He left ten minutes later promising to invite her over to his place another day. I had a good laugh at his expense and it made me recall the movie. The two experiences made me think of reasons why a man would say no to sex when it was freely offered. Sola and I agreed that one reason would be the primal hunter-prey dynamic which men often employ with respect to women. There is a reason it is called “chasing women” after all; the man initiates interest then chases and wears down the woman’s seeming resistance to sleeping or being in a relationship with him. It adds to the idea of man being the hunter and woman his prey, of his being a conqueror or something. So when the dynamic is reversed, it appears as an anomaly to the “natural order” of things and some men do not like the idea of messing with the order. They become suspicious: “Why does she want to sleep with me?” They begin to think the woman is “an easy lay” which would presuppose that she is a lot less discriminate about whom she sleeps with. The truth is, no matter how promiscuous men are, they do not relish the idea of the women they are sleeping with being as slutty as they are. Yes, life is unfair but it’s the world we live in.

I recall a story my good friend Chike told me while we were in school; it was a story  about how some girl he had met casually just two weeks before, had invited him over to hers after night study. According to him, no sooner had they gotten there than the girl grabbed him! He tried to get her to slow down, she did, but next thing he knew she walked away from him hitched up her skirt, placed her hands on the table in her room and invited him to have his wicked way with her. He said he was stunned! He was not expecting this. He quietly gathered his things, made up some story about being on call in a few hours, apologized and left. When I asked why he left, he said that in his experience girls did not behave like that, at least not within the first month of meeting a guy and that the ones who did should be avoided like the plague. I laughed and asked him about one night stands and he said that those were different.  It was the girl’s approach and attitude that unnerved him.

Sometimes, an active conscience could be the reason a man says no. He has a girlfriend or you are his ex’s friend, sister or cousin. So he just cannot bring himself to get down with you even though you are both practically naked. It may be that in his mind you guys have broken up and although he has not voiced it out, his heart and body are no longer with you.

Another reason could be poor personal hygiene on the part of the woman. Yes, men assume that women are always neat. But for instance, an overabundance of hair in certain places or an overly funky scent is a turn off for some men. I know a guy who changed his mind just as he was about to get busy because of this. Now my ex-roommate and friend used to say that any man who jumps on a woman at the first opportunity could lose that woman’s trust. Huh?! Say again? He urged restraint saying that any woman who slept over at yours and whom you did not attempt to jump on would have the utmost respect for you and see you as a different kind of guy who was more interested in her as a person than just a sexual being. He argued that the girl would instantly become comfortable with you and trust you even more. He cited a few friendships that had gone south because of this singular reason.

Hmm….now that I think of it, this over-eagerness did cost me one friendship, but the downside of his advice is being perceived as a slacker or not being man enough! Yes, a girl once called me a slacker for not trying to seduce her during her first visit to mine. She sounded hurt like she felt I did not deem her attractive enough to make a move, which was not the case. Me? Slacker? How?! The truth is I really did like her and had loads of respect for her, so I did not want to risk spoiling things by rushing into sex with her. And men do not take kindly to being called a slacker especially if it indicates a certain inability to function sexually. This leads to the case of men who do not believe in sex before marriage. Yes, they do exist and I admire them for that but not the ones that will not find you tempting enough to make moves oh! True because if my sister is engaged to a man that does not believe in sex before marriage and yet does not have to hold himself when he is alone with her, I will tell her to run far!

So where does one draw the line? To be an alpha alpha male so that your sexuality is not questioned or be the sensitive considerate type and end up being friend-zoned or cuckolded due to questions of your masculinity? Do women appreciate guys who say no to sex or are not overly demanding of it? Whatever it is, the fact remains: men sometimes say no…to sex. Yes.

82 Comments

  1. QueenofEverything

    July 16, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    haha, i’m just gonna wait for the comments to start rolling in 🙂

  2. contain

    July 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    havent read it yet but my first thots are leave him alone then since he has been exhausted servicing all the gfs outside. lol will make a sensible comment when I read it 🙂

  3. dee

    July 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    not read it too, but i’m thinking, question his sexuality….GAY

  4. tbn

    July 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    hmmm, so what do men really want? I have heard several times that a man appreciates his woman being the initiator of sex sometimes, preferring not to initiate sex all the time. I totally agree that when a woman initiates sex when they’re meeting for the first time, she will be seen as slut. But when the relationship is on, i am in support of any of the parties initiating sex, depending on who is horny at that particular time. Even the bible says a husband should not with hold sex from his wife and the wife should not with hold sex from her husband, unless there is mutual agreement between them to do so for a particular period of time, and then they should come back again to avoid temptation. I would apply the same principle to a boyfriend and girlfriend who have decided to have sex within their relationship. I even know of marriages where the woman loves sex more than the husband and its even the husband who refuses to have sex for one reason or another and he is not having extramarital affairs, he is just not into sex as much as other men are. That state of affairs odd as it might be, is quite normal if you ask me, as not all men are always horny and not all women are frigid as people are won’t to believe.

  5. Jite Ovueraye

    July 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Sometimes, saying no is just to prove a point.

  6. sweetlipz

    July 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    A man saying no to sex is like a lion refusing a lamb for lunch!

    • UsaveOne

      July 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm

      Not so true Sweetlipz….check well

      http://usaveone.blogspot.com

    • 2blunt

      July 30, 2012 at 12:29 pm

      cant help laughing

    • robert green

      November 21, 2012 at 12:25 am

      A black woman sayin no to sex with a well hung thug is like a vulture turning down roadkill.

  7. Nikky

    July 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    honestly i donot see it as overly strange for a guy to turn down sexual advances from a woaman. It is true, some guys have told me that will feel a bit apprehensive if a girl they weren’t really into initiating sex with them. one, because of the alpha male syndrome and two, because of hygiene or if the girl just is not their type whatsoever. I also believe there are certain guys who donot believe in sex before marriage, however, if they are with their girlfriends, i expect that atleast that should feel the strong urge. If a guy does not, he is def GAY or is probably emasculated.

  8. Blackknight

    July 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    My opinion : Meeting a woman for the first time and every other thing equally,saying NO to sex does not make you a slacker.If she thinks you are one,shame!First, women already have this notion that all men are the same, meaning that there’s no way a man would be with a woman without wanting to have sex with her. Well, what happens to being mysterious?That’s what most women want and long for, a man that they can’t predict.Don’t assume that she will think of you as a slacker because she already knows even before inviting you over that you are an alpha male.She only takes offense not at you per se but at herself – she feels that she’s not good enough to get conquer you. That’s what they are – Conquerors.
    You loose your authority the moment you go naked in front of a woman. You simply worth nothing to a woman the moment she sleeps with you. But for a man who has the discipline to say NO and walk away,trust me,she’s not angry with you, she’s angry with herself for her inability to conquer you. Whether she calls you GAY,Slacker etc is all within her imagination..She keeps wondering, and knowing that she’s not able to predict you,makes the whole game interesting. Unfortunately, Men don’t have the will most of the time to say NO, and that why she SMILES anytime she sees you naked for SHE HAS CONQUERED YOU.

  9. hh

    July 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Wow this hit home just got out of a relationship like this its a control mechanism and it only hurts in the long run because he was sleeping with the whole team. I stayed faithful but I also learned wont commit unless committed too

  10. mosun

    July 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Lol @blackknight i love ur viewpoint! Haha

  11. Onyinye

    July 16, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Just passing sha, but u guys are making sense. Love the write up…..Learning sha

  12. christy

    July 16, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Heheheh,in naija a man will say no to sex????? Except if the woman s a total turn off,like been too fat, if they ooze with smell,with loads of stretch marks,or over bleachy girls with load of cellulite

    • Purpleicious Babe

      July 16, 2012 at 8:44 pm

      ermmm how do u know this?? i beg to differ, it is not always like that ohh.. the fat, oozing etc bit…. u cant speak for all ohh…

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  13. anthony

    July 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    i have personally experienced this……i surprisingly turned down sex offer from a female friend, yes surprise cos i never thought i could have done dat. the girl happens to be my friend’s ex, i think they dated for just couple of months before she found out that my friend already in a relationship. She called me on phone and told me point-blankly that she loved me, i told her thank you knowing fully well that that wasn’t the response she wanted. seeing that i wasn’t heeding to her advances, then she told me straight up that i should sleep wit her in order for her to sop lusting after me, she even gave me the venue but i declined. I had to because of the respect i have for my friend and due to the fact that i was afraid for my life, cos it was totally strange to me. My thought was, what does she stand to gain? to take my glory? i gave this a thought and i maintained my stand. She later called me that am a disappointment, that she thought i was man enough, i just told myself, na you know, whether i be man or not, leave me alone

  14. Sola

    July 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    My name is Sola, I’m not gay neither am I a slacker and I would love to tell the concluding part of my story after CoB today. See you all @ 5pm. Cheers!

  15. nich

    July 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    no matter how the argument goes…….as a man i believe that majority of men love sex…..my believe is %90 ……..i ave never met any of of my friend that do not love or want sex often…..

    my understanding also is that for some reason our african women do not want to talk about sex or do not enjoy or want sex in most cases………..only about %10 would want to talk about sex or enjoy sex…..our women are simply rigid or stingy with sex……..even in marriage and overtime it has been proven even among married christians in nigeria…….because our men believe this this is why it becomes strange when most men get scared immediately a woman makes the first move…….

    i believe that most of our men would love a girl that is bold about sex…..but however i think the girl should explain herself in words first…..rather than tactics…….words are very powerful and even shallow minds would be broken by words….

    if a girl tells a man that she loves and wants sex and that does not make her a slut i think most men would be happy about it than run away……….

    the next thing that the man would want to know is how many men have u slept with ……….if the girl boldly places her argument that it is just 1 or 2…..the mans defence would be shattered ….

  16. Alero

    July 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Hey TJ! U are the bomb!

    This is a very important issue. Infact I have been discussing with my male pals and I am overwhelmed at the kind of things some ladies do.Infact, my ears are full and sometimes I am so embarassed at the kind of stories I hear about ladies and the height of their sexual urge.I do not know whether to attribute it to liberation,education…I just can’t place it! Some ladies in ph, where I reside, throw caution to the wind and freely make advances at men.It doesn’t stop at that! They even go humping on first dates. The annoying part of this is that these girls are so beautiful that one cannot help but wonder what in the world is going on!The table has been turned around and ladies have taken the mantle.

    I am a lady and I feel this is crazy.

  17. austin

    July 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    nice piece…. Interesting comment…. The write has said it all… Then again if he is talking abt rejecting sex one time, then i agree… But if he is constantly rejecting sexual advances thrown @ him, then its either he cums quick and feels d chic will be disappointed at his sexual abilities or he is impotent or the writer is correct again… Dats ma take

  18. Cukka a.k.a bad boi emeritus

    July 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Sex! is a sacred thing, it is a binding force and that’s why years after walking out of a relationship ure still glued (spiritually) to that person. As guys, we are currently getting to know that having sex is not the height of all pleasure, there is more to sex. Money can buy u sex but not love. There is this popular saying that a horse that has no briddle looses control” yes. What ever U can’t subdue will naturally control ur life, so when a guy says no to sex even if it was garnished with other stuffs, truth is, it takes a man of A DEEP WISDOM to walk away, It could be a trap, a set-up, a show or even something intentionally done to harm u. Remember, we are in a generation that sees sex as a currency of its own, a lady that can’t utter any word to u will immediately start rolling her eyes at you cos u condescended so low to be a slave to ur desires fuelled by ur emotions. WHen a man says “mba” to sex, HE, is playing defensive cos there has to be an equivalent exchange for that singular act!, yes!,
    Besides for me as a guy, I have grown to understand that “too much circulation brings the price down, a woman who throws herself at a man (not on every occassion though) will practically have the whole community placing a tag #ashhhhhhh!!! to her name. so when there is so much to reason about life, career, money, how to raise a family, how to get married, Issues like slepping for fun should keep you aware that for every hidden thing, the outcome shows in the day!

  19. nich

    July 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    my understanding that nigerian girls and african ladies need to be bold about sex and grow to enjoy sex especially in marriage……………..girls can enjoy sex even more than men and that is the fact………..

    my experience with american women is different though…………all the ladies that i have met love sex more than anything……….whether it is in the kitchen…….store, backyard,……….it does not matter……

    all of them that i have met were the first to open up on the discussion about sex……….infact when i did not mention that issue of sex the first time while we were discussing many of them thought that i never loved them and they told me that on the second time……..they told me that i should have told them how much i feel about them by telling them what i will do during sex…….ofcourse as an african i did not get the reality at first and but later i understood….

    my own argument line with my fellow nigerian guys why most nigerian ladies are dull over sex is that it is more of a culture conservatism rather than building the desire to enjoy sex…..

    some of my nigerian guys did mention the issue of circumcision but i argue that it is not completely true while i also argue that it is partially true…..

    the african society do not want to open up about sex……..they want people to believe that sex is bad……and it is only meant for men and this is just rubish….

    nigerian ladies should be bold about sex and show their desire to enjoy sex in their marriages…..

    the best moment for a lady to show their desire to be bold to discuss sex should be during courtship and not when they are married……………….

    • medain

      July 16, 2012 at 8:01 pm

      how does your period button feel?

    • Anonymous

      July 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm

      @ nich be careful when you say African women…the only kind of rigid women in Africa are 9ja women….you need to visit countries like Sierra Leone ,Kenya..South africa and a host of others and you’ll understand that these women are the hunters and men are their prey…lol

    • Tim

      July 16, 2012 at 9:12 pm

      You are right nijja women sees their virgina as money making machine, that is why many of them never enjoy real sex life even when they are married because to them only men needs and enjoy sex they don’t need it. Like you said other African women enjoy sex and never see it as one man show. But sexes can enjoy sex not only men who enjoy sex. But when you make love to one you like or love that is more satisfying than just having sex with some stranger

    • Purpleicious Babe

      July 16, 2012 at 8:53 pm

      I agree with your point. But I didn’t like the order it was put in i.e. the comparison between America vs Nigeria..
      Not logical. U will be surprised that some Niaja women talk about sex in their courtships and others dont… NO GENERLASING pls.

      I don’t think people think sex is bad(well not everybody), I think people misunderstand it and therefore speak against it but in their defense that was what they were fed and have come to understand. I think some people also think its bad outside and before marriage. I dont support premarital sex not only religious grounds but on several ones (I should blog about it). I dont think sex is bad, I just think perversion is bad. The other thing is, we all have our theories about this and that. Only God council will stand sha.

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  20. Janded

    July 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    There is no biggy i n a man saying no. They too have emotions. However, there should be concerns if in a stable relationship, the man starts saying no more often than not.

  21. chinco

    July 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Wow! The article is interesting though it sounded more like gist than ‘article’. Anyway, I think I av friends in all the categories. I used 2 get enough gist from guys(in my tomboy days). One guy turned down a girl I know cus he said n I quote, ‘she too be like Maga’, lol. Some cus d babe is not just their type or she’s too easy. I even once heard a guy say, he won’t sleep with a girl cus she’s a virgin in her mid 20s and if u r nt committed after, there r likely repercussions, lmao. Anyway…interesting. I’d like to see more comments.

  22. pynk

    July 16, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    my ex did say no alrite, but it was abunch of no’s suspect he is gay!

  23. Christopher Okoro

    July 16, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    I don’t share this point in the earlier paragraph that women can go for long without sex than men. This point cannot be generalized to all men, to me a man can be in much control of his sexual arousal than female folks

    naijabreakingnews.blogspot.com

  24. D Philophobe

    July 16, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    Interesting…. I also find this article kind of funny, a woman makes a move and she is easy! A man makes a move too early, she consents and she is STILL easy! In today’s society, I believe both sexes are kind of tired of what the other sex wants and needs. The Lord knows I am! Big deal, some guys turn down sex * clapping, cheering and handing them medals* ….Its like nothing ever cuts it. Guys say “I want a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets” and when they meet her, they want to be THE freak in the sheets because they are intimidated by the fact that she initiates sex. Ladies say, “I want a sensitive guy” and when the guy shows up, we say, he is too sensitive! He even cries!!! Lol……On the issue of jumping a guy’s bones hours after you meet him- men do it, so why cant women? Oh, sorry, i just remembered the answer to that one, “Its a man’s world” ……..If sex can be fast, power to the females who crave a drive-by..or two!! As for women being upset when they are sexually rejected, its understandable! Men also question themselves when women say no to sex. Rejection always hurts! Especially when they are putting out (so to say) what most women believe men HARDLY EVER turn down..So they will feel slighted and its common knowledge that most people say ALOT of things when they are rejected because their egos are bruised. People are different! In looks, attitude, wants and needs! Some men find the idea of spontaneous sex with a stranger offensive, as do some women. Some find it exciting! Also, the same men/ women who find it so offensive may wake up one day and jump on the bandwagon. On the matter of odour and other things turning men off spontaneous sex with a stranger, those factors can turn any one off in any situation, be it long term relationships, marriage, casual dating et al. Finally, its not about asking for sex on the first date (thus, being an alpha male) or being the sensitive guy who waits till the end of time to ask to hit it *yawns*, its about being yourself and being honest. If its not the man/ woman’s cup of tea, he /she will walk on by and you will find someone who wants what you want……And to answer your last question, women appreciate men who are honest about what they want (at least i do). If you want sex upfront, you put your cards on the table, if the woman doesnt want that, she’ll walk on by. If youre afraid of being called a slacker or a weakling then youre still looking at yourself through the eyes of others. “People only define you when you let them”… that was long sha! *hiding my face*

    • Turayo

      July 16, 2012 at 6:03 pm

      GBAM!!! I wholly and completely agree with this. Alpha male ko, gamma male ni. The myth of “all men want is sex” has been ingrained into so many minds, it’s sad. We are all people and we are all different. There are men and women who only want sex, believe it or not. And they are present in every culture and in every nation. Now different societies can either shun them or let them live their lives.

    • lilly

      July 16, 2012 at 9:46 pm

      You just spoke my mind.

    • patrick rukie

      September 5, 2012 at 3:44 pm

      You are about the only one who has made any sense in this debate… you are clearly very mature and its a shame that not many people understand relationships from this perspective….

  25. Annnaaa

    July 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    I will appreciate any guys who let’s M̶̲̅ε̲̣ sleep “jejely” on the first date o. I told a male friend of mine about a guy I had gone to visit and who let M̶̲̅ε sleep through out the night without making any pass and my male friend concluded the guy was gay α̲̅πϑ that I should bone him. I respect the guy for letting M̶̲̅ε̲̣ sleep well.

  26. sex-starved girlfriend

    July 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    One night/day stands are a definite no no…if she’s offering it to you that easily cuz she thinks you’re hot, imagine how many guys she thinks that about and she wld be offering em as well….

    My own dilemma is, I’ve being with my boyfriend for 3months now and i can tell you now that sex is far from his priority…He’s always busy with work and when we do get to spend sometime together, I literally have to initiate the sex or he would choose sleep :(. He says he’s trying to get us set-up for the future thats why he’s working so hard and hardly has the time…Im all for that cuz I’ll end up spending part of the money :D…

    Coming from a relationship where my ex and I were literally like rabbits, this is somewhat depressing…though I think I love him so I wont leave him. I’ve decided to just get a vibrator and watch porn…it’s certainly not the same tho 🙁

    • Bidi bang

      October 24, 2012 at 10:28 am

      He is cheating on you with numerous amount of women and that money you are waiting on will not get to you cos he s spending it somewhere else he will not marry you oh my dear he doesn’t love you

  27. ronke tillz

    July 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    I agree with Annaaa i value my sleep. Not pinching me all thru the night is something i respect on the first date.

    • adaure

      July 16, 2012 at 8:06 pm

      Pinching ke? That cracked me up, nice one!

    • Ama

      July 18, 2012 at 10:45 am

      Ok so does it mean you sleep over on a first date?

  28. Blackknight

    July 16, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    @sex starved girlfriend – Nne biko forget that your bobo’s ‘ Am trying to set us up’ excuse’. I actually invented that line..lol.
    The truth is that when we (MEN) have issues with our sense of arousal, of course, very embarrassing to say the least, we come up with stupid excuses.Your boyfriend knows that deep inside his heart,he has an arousal problem and should seek for help.And for you who has been in a past relationship where you had it so well like rabbit,staying without sex is not a luxury you can afford to live with.WOMEN never love sex today and hate it tomorrow., they keep comparing and how they enjoy it is how they role for the rest of their lives.Nice thing you got your self a vib,brother needs to go see a doctor and quit giving you excuses.You mean, he does that everyday?Understandable he did it once or twice,..maybe tired,not properly sensitized…..but on a daily basis, or doing it just once a day, Hmmm, babe,take him to a sexual health Clinic now now.How can a young vibrant man be giving excuses like this…??? I used to be like him yrs back,giving stupid excuses to the extent that I over excitement wouldn’t never allow me go for more than a minute, until my babe took it upon herself,nagged and made me go see a doctor…Today, we are in a HAPPY RELATIONSHIP.No Vibrator is better than the real thing…..Real Penis is the ultimate Nutrition! Biko, your boyfriend needs help and if you love him, now is the time before you go cheat on him.

  29. Sweet Mama Africa

    July 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    If he refusing a lady sex, then he getting it somewhere else
    http://www.sweetmothermag.com

    • Sarah B

      July 17, 2012 at 2:41 am

      Exactly!! I only ask who the other woman is – and guess what? I always find one.

    • lovely

      July 19, 2012 at 7:05 pm

      exactly mama

  30. kiki

    July 16, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    hmmmmn. well since i belong to the no sex before marriage[i just live by the bible and am not judging anyperson].i wouldnt want a guy too jump on me if he does am out.and i just wonder all this books and statements men like a freak in the bed? like really? sex is deeper than the physical act its a covenant between two people who are married.but we would say oh iam different i want to be me but truly does it make anyone happy? and if we look at celebrities[not in naija] they talk about oh hes great oh this and that and a year later they are divorced so i wonder what happened sex is good GOD made it and asked us to enjoy it in marriage. but sex alone dosent keep a home.because years down the line or when your wife has cancer and she cant have sex something else makes you love her.and if a man says no he dosent have to be gay or impotent he just dosent want sex he probably loves JESUS more and chooses to honour him with his body

    • Sindy

      July 17, 2012 at 1:02 am

      Kiki…u just said my mind, everybody is talking as if sex was created by God to b food, it’s sad that sex is seen as a tool for different things and no longer as it was intended, A CONVENANT….for me sha, I dated my guy for 6 yrs before we got married n we waited till we were married to av sex n I feel more special n loved n grateful to God for keeping myself, not judging anyone sha but plsssss dis sex is not food

  31. feelitx

    July 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    I have said NO so many times. When a strange woman makes a pass at me, I just wonder what she is sharing. Like some woman I knew who slept with seven of my friends and they were all excited about it until I asked them if they have asked themselves what the girl has been sharing.

  32. Ama

    July 16, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    There is the last type of men who would not have sex with just anybody, they only make love and not just have sex,…and they only jave sex with girls they are in a relationship with

    • lilly

      July 16, 2012 at 9:51 pm

      GBAM!!

  33. Ama

    July 16, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    yeah and to all the fisrt commentors who didnt read the article but started commenting on it…Shame on you!

  34. AJOKE

    July 16, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    I spent the weekend with my bestfriend and he is alos my boyfriend and he did not make a single pass at me or touch me inappropirately, matter of fact we had a long discussion about sex. my baby made it clear he is not crazy about sex he is more of a fore play kinda guy *wide grin* that he can give head for days oh woow Jesus is good my dreams came true hahahahaha.

    so my point is its not fair to stereotype just men as loving sex and cant say no, some men and women equally love sex. but when a man says no to sex i respect him more because it means he doesnt want to take advantage and he respects the chick.

    my two cent

  35. Charles

    July 16, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    Nice article, I clicked on it from twitter because I was interested to read this considering that I say “no” to sex all the time and I am a guy also straight as a pencil lol. My reason is that I strongly believe in staying pure before marriage and I’m against pre-marital sex. It is of course one of the most difficult things ever but I love a good challenge. Even before I decided to choose the path of purity due to my religious beliefs, I however was/still am very choosy when it comes to people I go out with and my past sexual relationships had been with people I absolutely liked maybe cos of their personality, intellect, looks etc I was never one who just screwed anything that passed (even for a one night stand the chemistry had to be incredible). With that kind of taste comes a certain attention from chics who you don’t remotely like one bit in that way and who you will eventually say no to one way or the other. So yes I can relate to this article. Nice one.

    And oh yes guys like us exist (guys who have choose to stay away from sex till marriage, yes we get erections n get turned on) regardless of what people have conformed to due to popular culture.

    • lilly

      July 16, 2012 at 9:53 pm

      Charles i remove my hat to you. One respect man, one respect…cheers *sipscoffe*

    • Negra

      July 24, 2012 at 12:00 am

      Nicely said, Charles. Now give me ur number! wink

  36. Dionne James

    July 16, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    I pray this will never be my portion in Jesus name amen http://www.onugashair.wordpress.com

  37. NNENNE

    July 17, 2012 at 12:13 am

    @Charles…Even in Sodom and Gomorrah, there was Lot! Keep going and remain prayerful.
    Platonic relationships are ok though, but always be in control.Date in public places only, and in groups, till you are ready for the next level.

  38. sex-starved girlfriend

    July 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

    @blackknight…thanks for the advice and scaring the wits out of me..clinic??? *sprinkles holy water* he doesn’t hav a problem getting it up, he lasts long enuff, he just doesn’t seem interested in initiating it…and sex on a sunday is a definitely no no *sigh we must all bear our crosses. Perhaps I try this celibabcy business *laughs to self hysterically* I kid. Kid *sips merlot*

  39. sweetlipz

    July 17, 2012 at 6:44 am

    hmmm, am learning alot here. But i still believe that apart from the guys that say no to pre-marital sex, most if not all guys will not refuse sex when offered. I have a male friend who says he makes love to his girlfriend and has sex with other girls…that was like the dumbest thing i ever heard. yes i know that it’s unjust stereotyping men but what can a sister do when 90% of the men falls into this category? i,ll just keep learning.

    • IVORY CHI

      July 18, 2012 at 11:49 am

      LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

      ive heard things today

  40. Davina

    July 17, 2012 at 10:34 am

    A man can say No to sex particularly when he isn’t emotionally involved with a woman. It’s a thing of choice for him. He’s thinking with his head and not his heart and so will turn down an offer from a woman if he suspects something is wrong or doesn’t feel right.

  41. Theophilus

    July 17, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Nice piece there, really thought out. Believe me, its a matter of choice. A man should to respect a lady no matter what temptations come his way. Nice work.

  42. Gimmethethrone

    July 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    As a guy, unless you are deeply convinced by religion, extremely shy you will always fancy putting your thing in her thing. Whether you do it depends sometimes how attractive the girl is to you or if you think you will succeed.

  43. Sola

    July 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Prior to the time this article was written, I honestly haven’t thought about calling the girl after that incident. However, after reading some of the(judgmental & harsly conclusive) comments herein, I decided to revisit the case and, sort of redeem my image.
    So I went to the bar where I met her last night. She wasn’t there so I called her but she wouldn’t pick up. I ordered a bottle of beer hoping she would show up or return my call. Alas! 45mins later, it was still water under the bridge. Then, I saw a guy who is very frequent @ the bar, bought him a bottle and seized the opportunity to make enquiry about the girl. He told me more than I need to know over an hour or so. Now I’m feeling like D’banj *if you know what I know, you go like me o* I have no regret whatsoever for not sleeping with her. Trust me I won’t do it even with a gun to my head. #Oyato

    • Sola, Kilode

      July 17, 2012 at 5:49 pm

      You actually sounded kinda cute, and fun and responsible, and i thought, aaaaw, what an atypical Nigerian guy, he showed restraint. His mama did a good job. Until you typed that. So, strangers made judgemental and harsh comments, and you got up, left your house, or left work, and went to revisit the bar to redeem your image. Your image for pete’s sake. Self obsessed and immature much? and yes, i’m being harsh and judgemental. Mschew. You were what, willing to sleep with a girl, to redeem your image. You need to re enrol in the school of maturity, and manliness, and start from year 1. You wouldn’t do it with a gun to your head. Really, so lets say you didn’t have that conversation with the other guy, and she showed up, you would have slept with her, and gone YAY, I proved my manhood. Mschew. To be a man, is way more than that thing in between your legs. What you can’t control, will control you. Your tiny dicky, felt oppressed and insulted by the comments, and it wanted to show that no o, you are a man. Mschew times 100

  44. L.O.L

    July 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    So, I gave my life to Christ so no sex for me. I’m a girl. And it’s hard. Guys think it’s only them but just because you can’t look at a girl’s pants (I mean trousers) and tell whether she’s attracted to you does not mean it’s any easier. Honestly, girls want it just as much as guys. We’ve just had generations of practice hiding it. And when I do get married, I shall enjoy it to the utmost. That’s my piece.

  45. Anon

    July 17, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    It’s a generalization that men want sex all the time, and women don’t. I personally believe women want sex just as much as men, just in a different order. Women want that emotional connection first, then physical will be no problem. Foreplay is important, while some men just want to go straight to penetration. So, men take note. It’s possible for men to say no to sex, unless the man is a sex addict or womanizer who has sex with any person in skirt or that’s the only connection he has with the girl. That’s where self control comes in. I like to call it making love especially in a marriage. The older generation of Nigerian women are more close minded than the newer generation. Now, more Nigerian women are open. I don’t believe in having to announce or talk about your sexual activities the way Americans do it, but being aware that sex is also part of marriage and a covenant. Religion plays a huge role but we can’t use religion the wrong way. Pre marital sex, wrong but post marital, right, so married couples shouldn’t be holding each other out. Well, some married men need to learn how to please their wives properly maybe the wife won’t be turning it down so much and understanding too that a woman’s body can only take so much.
    Then, there are many godly men, christ centered men who are truly practicing abstinence/celibacy before marriage. Even though, it’s hard, these men will have to say NO to their sexual urges, right.

    P.S While we are talking about sex, let’s not forget to protect ourselves, for those who are not practicing celibacy. HIV/AIDS is real. STDS is preventable.

  46. Anon

    July 17, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    In addition, men turn down sex for several reasons, tiredness, not sexually attracted to the woman, not in the mood or respect for themselves etc. Not all men want every vagina they come across.

  47. Darcy

    July 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Now this is an article that got me thinking cos we are this modern age where society doesn’t frown anymore on some ladies “toasting” guys,some don’t work out well,others are success stories today so i’m guessing the guys the TJ used in the article haven’t gotten the memo yet………even tho I personally am still with the notion that a man should chase me but I think when such girls go after what they want especially if the guy isn’t getting their drift or reading their body language then they should be commended and referred to as bold,@least that what I would say………

  48. 21ctl

    July 18, 2012 at 8:25 am

    for me I had this lady that was interested in me,we got so close..when we discussed about sex,I told her I never had one before.she said that was strange that how I will I cope after the first time ..
    now I m ready and make all the moves,she keep turning me down.
    I love her and not just for the sex.
    she is still adamant.

  49. Naveah

    July 19, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    I respect a man who can turn down free nookie because such a man is in control of himself. People have lost sight of the emotional and spiritual depth that comes with mating with another physically, they’ve tossed out the implications and made it base so I can truly give mad props to a man who has respect for himself, his body and his God by turning down a woman who throws herself and her nanni around. Sex will NEVER go out of style but the way people wield it around like some sort of magic wand to get what they want, it’s as if it will go out existence. This is why people makes some of the horrible decisions they make in relationships, they are thinking with their joystick and honeyed bits.

  50. Renee

    July 20, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Yeah right the a guys outside who can say no to sex or who acn resist a woman but their scarce

  51. praisy

    July 26, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    For me, it simply shows that such a man has a grip over his emotions which is a plus to him. Because once you are determined and with God on your side, it is VERY possible to say NO to SEX.

  52. shakim

    July 26, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    Very few men can say no to sex because they see sex as just one of their numerous activities, like hanging out, beer, playstation e.t.c. The few who can actually say no (especially to ladies they are not involved with) earns huge respect from the womenfolk.

  53. Seon

    July 26, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    Wow….glad to see there are still people like me who have chosen to abstain. It’s been over 25yrs now and I can say that it is not as difficult as most people think. Just move with friends of the same mindset and ensure you do not visit certain places. Truly, there are men who say NO to sex, at least I know one.
    NB: I am really looking forward to it when I get married

  54. timma

    July 28, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Welldone Tj,true talk and nice write up!

  55. colo-p

    July 31, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    @seon……….25 years ke!!!!!!! dats not healthy @all..

  56. lightweight prodigy

    August 10, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    hum see yarnings

  57. a-gie

    August 26, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    na wa ooo! happy n nice write up to u all, hmmmmmm! ope u guys practice wat u preach?

  58. eniola

    February 12, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    It may be that in his mind you guys have broken up and although he has not voiced it out, his heart and body are no longer with you. That’s KEY! You know THis…..

  59. ugochi angela mozie

    July 12, 2013 at 11:49 am

    av nt dated a man dat doesnt want sex bt de try to pretend de ar ok wit d romans and kisses tins…. Till i meet dem. Nt pussible

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