Connect with us

News

Busola Adedire: Being Mary Jane

Published

 on

It was my week off uni after two weeks of back to back 9-5 lectures, and you really get to appreciate every time off the university environment at Masters level. Although, I had quite a bit of work to get through, a sister decided to catch up on some series in the absence of motivation. So, I kicked off with Breaking Bad and the new BET series ‘Being Mary Jane’. Being Mary Jane caught my attention because it had a dynamic twist. It was centered on the life of a single, successful black woman who was ‘in love’ with a certain married man. Quite interesting and relatable, I thought to myself… At least, it’s better than the unrealistic plot of single ladies… So, I became hooked!

As I kept watching, there was a particular scene in which Mary Jane’s brother told her off for dating a married man, and she replied and I quote ‘He said he loves me, and I believe him’. This statement shook me; I even had to post a video of it on my Instagram. In fact, she chatted so much nonsense in that scene, I actually began to feel sorry for her… And the sad thing is, this is the reality for some women.

You see, Mary Jane just like Olivia Pope does not fall into the usual stereotypical image of a ‘side-chick’. She comes off as a strong, confident, intelligent and educated lady but these qualities were not even strong enough to save her from the shackles of ‘sweet-mouth’ and ‘fine boy for nothing’ men. Indeed, mind games are very real! I started wondering how it feels to be the other woman and yet still be somewhat comfortable and hopeful? Is it that people get so caught up and live in denial? Or they are very optimistic that the homeboy in question would leave their families for them? Could it be an unfortunate case of ‘true love’? This gets interesting as I look back on the plot of Chiamanda’s Americanah. Ifemelu was Obinze’s ‘side-chick’ for a bit, and they camouflaged the situation under the pretense of being one another’s ‘first love’. And it actually worked out in her favour as Obinze later left his wife to be with her. That was kind of bitter-sweet for me as I tried to imagine how his wife would have felt about the situation.

This ‘side-chick’ phenomenon is not uncommon in our society today and it makes me worried for most women. Is it the shortage of men? Is it that people feel they won’t find better? Or perhaps being with someone is better than being alone. Being Mary Jane also touched on the issue of love sharing a similarity with drug addiction which unfortunately is true. The same part of the brain responsible for drug addiction is also found to be active when someone is in love. Suffice to say; when you fall in love with someone else’s man you have entered some serious ‘gbese’ (trouble). Evolution does not favour us either; Charles Darwin had clearly stated that life is a battle of ‘survival of the fittest’. Basically, we are all in competition for the limited resources in life and only those with the strongest abilities DO survive. That explains a lot about the unnecessary shenanigans we women put ourselves through.. Chic A is constantly trying to out-do Chic B. Regardless, we can definitely do better! There is no point smiling at the expense of someone else’s pain.

I really worry for the generation of women we have now and the ones coming behind us because the truth is, majority of us make bad decisions.. Very bad decisions and yet scream fire and brimstone when its consequences surface. Therefore with the little knowledge I have, I try to inspire and encourage my fellow sisters about who they are. This is for someone out there, you are totally worthy of every love, attention, and affection as number one. Being a ‘side-chick’ is extremely damaging to the psyche, and I believe even if all else fails it still shouldn’t be an option.

Perhaps you are on that route, you need to pull out and find YOU! It is not my place to be the judge, so share your stories let us talk about ‘Being Mary Jane’. You never know, your experience could save a life.

**Editor’s note: In February 2012 BellaNaija published a feature titled “The Other Woman… Loving The Man and His Ring”. It was written by a BN reader who shared the perspective from the other side. {Click here to read}

Photo Credit: dotheknowledge.com

__________________________________________________________________________________________
Oluwabusola Adedire is a graduate of Medical and Pharmacological Sciences, an enthusiast on social issues, and loves to inspire people about life, God and Love. Find her on Instagram @hrh_oluwabusola and on Twitter @HRH_oluwabussie

I am sand magnet and sun seeker. Instagram : b__quaint I blog at https://onequaintrelle.wordpress.com/blog/

121 Comments

  1. Shazy

    February 7, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Nicely written.

  2. Ndidi

    February 7, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    I love the sitcom because it is directed by Mara Brock Akil and her husband.
    I just don’t like how it depicts African American women as home wreckers.

  3. Ndidi

    February 7, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    I love the sitcom because it is directed by Mara Brock Akil and her husband.
    I just don’t like how it depicts African American women as home wreckers.

    • Marc Francis of Chelsea

      February 7, 2014 at 5:41 pm

      It doesn’t depict “African American women,” it depicts one black woman – Mary Jane. Even at the start of the series, there was a disclaimer that this show does not represent all black women. Not attacking you but I hate it so much when people use one character in a series as a yardstick for an entire race/community. It’s like seeing one bitchy gay boy in a series and assuming all gay boys are bitchy, or seeing one successful white man in a series and assuming all white men are successful. It’s a tv show about one fictional character’s experience. Let’s let it be just that and learn from it.

  4. Miss A

    February 7, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    This is so true. It is a difficult situation to be in. You need to pray yourself out of it and have faith that once you let go of this toxic relationship, God will bless you with something better. No woman is entirely above the tricks of men and the traps of the heart. Don’t short-change yourself, ladies. Deep down, that man has no respect for you no matter how independent of successful you may be. Fact is, he won’t leave his family for you. You’ll be his number two (or three, four) when you can be someone else’s number one. Don’t be so afraid of being alone. Trust God and hold on… yours will come. Emotional and physical investment in a taken man will continue to damage your self-esteem and reduce you sense of self-worth. This piece is very timely. I am not just talking, I know. At 3:32am this morning, I gave up on my taken man. I have shut that door forever. I trust God. He has made me beautiful and in time, all things will fall into place. It may not be easy. You’ll miss him. But just make the decision… it will get easier by the day. God will recognise your effort and repentance and reward you. Let that man go.

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      February 7, 2014 at 8:40 pm

      “No woman is entirely above the tricks of men and the traps of the heart”. Such a profound statement. Nothing more to be said really.

    • slice

      February 8, 2014 at 1:10 am

      Fact is many of those men do leave their wives and children for the side chick. ask women who “lost” their husbands to the side chick. now whether that’s the kind of man you want, difft story. cause he may leave you too. cue french p.minister. he cheated with her and now he cheated on her and she dey cry cry.

    • Sunshine

      February 8, 2014 at 1:31 am

      Here is a warm, long hug from one sister to you. You have taken the hardest and boldest step which was to realise your self worth, march ahead and refuse to be brought down. I don’t know if you are christian but please read Ephesian 3:14 – 21. It is an amazing scripture to encourage you and all my sisters here.

    • Truth..

      February 12, 2014 at 6:20 pm

      Miss A. Thanks for this advice…this came timely for me as well…I was let go by my man under the pretense of him not wanting to marry just yet after so many years and it’s been hard keeping my head up but I have faith that God got me.

  5. cyndi

    February 7, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    I love the show, it’s so real n I can relate to mary jane and Olivia pope, found myself in the same situation last year but I made a conscious effort to let go… I knew he couldn’t leave his wife cos of family commitments (kids). thank God I got out although I still miss the guy. it was always bitter sweet but eventually I walked.

  6. Dr. N

    February 7, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    It’s called “compromise”. I can’t study for my exams cos I’m a woman and I need to be at every party on campus. So I’ll pay someone to take it for me. I can’t face the consequences of telling the truth, so I’ll tell a white lie. I know I gained weight and this skirt is getting too tight, but I’ll wear it anyway. Little by little, we allow our choices erode our confidence. A girl who was a superstar in primary school; who made the boys sit still or get reported to the teacher! Suddenly, she can’t tell a man NO! I won’t wait for u to leave your main squeeze! Put a ring on it or I’m not cooking! Wash your boxers yourself! I have no biz in your bed till our wedding night! That is my 2 kobo! http://www.drnsmusings.wordpress.com

    • DiaryofDiDo

      April 11, 2014 at 7:48 am

      Hi Dr. N,
      I really love your blog. As in, really, really. :).
      Keep up the good work.

  7. Jescy Eagle

    February 7, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    very real and interesting

  8. lola

    February 7, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    I can’t advice a lady to be a side chick because it usually ends in a disastrous way.love and admire yourselve and u”ll see a single man who would luv you back.

  9. inlove

    February 7, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    ghen ghen. let the comments flow. as for me am in love with my friends boyfriend. d both of them are aware, although d girl is just assuming, d guy knows well dat i like him and well he likes me too. abeg is something wrong with that? and please note dat they are not married or engaged, just dating.

    • Dr. N

      February 7, 2014 at 2:30 pm

      Just dating? So are u waiting? What advice would u give your daughter in this situation? Give same to yourself. Hugs

    • inlove

      February 7, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      NOPE AM NOT WAITING, I WONT WAIT. AM JUST EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS. I CANT EAT MY CAKE AND HAVE IT. I JUST LIKE HIM DATS ALL.

    • Vicki

      February 7, 2014 at 5:06 pm

      @inlove,if you like him because he might be a good shag, snap out of it but if you like him because you truly believe he might be the one…my sister go for it, life is too short to lose out on love, also how does your friend feel about the guy? ask yourself before you venture into anything.

    • Nominee

      February 7, 2014 at 6:34 pm

      Babe let me share my own experience then you can decide. My cousin fell for a guy who already had a gf, she said he hadn’t put a ring on it and still made a play for him. After nights in his bed forming snatcher and side chick, he walked out and said thank you. he married his gf about a month later and my cousin nearly lost it. I felt her pain eh! Its not your duty to break up a relationship to get the guy, let the break up his relationship and come for you, Our Aunties understood this o. One woman once told me that if she catches her husband cheating, she would just say “Babe, na yansh you just dey donate o, me and my husband dey go house when una finish!” No go first donate anything, let him break up and come to you first and then depending on what kind of friend you are, you can consider!

  10. peyton

    February 7, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    True. Two years back I got involved with a guy he wasn’t married but was in a relationship. We were actually good friends before that time and when we met again sparks kinda flew the thing is guy said to me I love you.and all that. But I never felt good about the situation and so I got myself out of the situation.because dude and I got preety intimate, and somehow dude blamed me for the whole incident like I caused it. After a year of not speaking to me (that seemed to be his solution to the drama) dude met me again. And this time I wassnt having none of that. I sat down thought it over and told myself the truth this wassnt love love dosent hurt you and cause you pain and guilt love is something beautiful I deserved better and walked away from that situation.no woman deserves to be the other woman.love is a choice choose to walk away.and save yourself from emotional trauma.that drama is so not needed.

  11. April Laugh

    February 7, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Being Mary Jane is my drug! Gurl, seems we share the same tastes for books and T.V Shows! That said, I’ll never judge the other woman who has chosen to be a side chick. I personally think its more of knowing what you’re worth than falling blindly with a married man. No matter how foinneeee a brother looks, the ring on his finger is just an immediate turnoff for me! I respect myself too much to want to be a dirty slutty mistress or another Olivia Pope. It’s just wrong on so many levels.

    But for women who are ‘being Mary Jane’ , you need to wake up and smell the coffee. He’s never ever going to leave his wife just to be with you. It’s even more amusing when a side chick fights over the man with another side chick!

    I’m not judging but take a moment and re-evaluate yourself. Like the writer said ‘pull out ASAP and find YOU.’

    Life is just too complicated to be in a complicated relationship.

    • slice

      February 8, 2014 at 1:14 am

      the show has put a little bit of a nice twist on it: She didn’t know he was married when she fell in love with him. hmmm

  12. Jane Public

    February 7, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    I love this piece. Seriously I do because it is the same women screaming at Jade in the post that was linked, that will be ooohing and aaaaaaahing over Olivia Pope and Fitz’s relationship. Click on that link and read the comments, I bet 9 out of 10 women chanting over Jade’s head think Ms Pope’s character is the best thing since slice bread. The power of the media. I hate that show Scandal with a serious passion and I stopped watching it last year before the new season started because of the subliminal messaging it is passing. Shonda Rhymes has made infidelity something you root for. Whether Mellie deserved it or not, which I think is BS because if you are a married woman and you think Mellie deserves to be cheated on, darling you just wait until your husband cheats if he is not already cheating. My dear author, side chicks are now cool. The dialogue has changed from a money hungry, possibly slutty side chick to a strong, independent, beautiful, witty yadi yadi yada and the alarming rate of which educated, high achieving career women are side chicks now will make your head spin. Again, the men are winning. There are 2 of such that I work with and I just shake my head. One of them is boarding school in Switzerland educated, Ivy league all the way to MBA and she is the side chick to a Partner in a huge Law Firm. I don’t get it at all. Tell these women they deserve better, they won’t listen. Olivia Pope has made it glamorous. Now it is Mary Jane. Funny how both are black women. There is this convo online that says, Scandal can fly because Shonda is Black. Trust me, if this was written by a White man, potraying a black woman as a slut (whatever, Pope’s character is a slut) black people would have been up in arms about her character and the show would have been cancelled. They have to potray both women as educated, strong, independent etc to make it more palatable to African Americans.
    Sorry I don’t have a mary jane story to share, I just wanted to point this part out

    • benjamin burton

      February 7, 2014 at 3:17 pm

      I agree with you on so many levels and you are right the men are winning. I think the biggest injustice the 21st century woman has done to herself is to try to compete with men when it relates to this “dating and relationships” let me try and put this in very clear terms so i am not misunderstood. I believe that women are indeed equal to men, i believe in equal pay for equal rights and i am a staunch advocate for womens rights and all that. However this is not where i am going what i meant by women trying to compete with men when it comes to dating and relationships is that for as long as i can remember men have been labelled as “dogs”, not entirely true but i get the point. There has been a double standard when it comes to dating, men can get away with it, women cant blah blah blah. While i do not agree with this thinking in its entirety, i appreciate the assumption that our women are precious and should not subject their minds and bodies to what some men do. What i have come to realize in our time is that women are now indeed doing everything and more a man does, as a result men do not necessarily have to lie or come up with some story to get with a women regardless of his marital status as a matter of fact women dare i say have overtaken men in this category. So what we are left with is a morally bankrupt society evidence by single parent homes, rise in violent crimes amongst our children , increase in addiction of all kinds irrespective of socio economic status. Until we repair this malaise caused by our own depravity, this is the road we will continue to travel on… God help us…

    • #hatescandal

      February 7, 2014 at 3:33 pm

      My dear if you had watched the episodes before the holiday, you’d have been even more sympathetic to Mellie. To think that she got raped by her father in law and she uttered not a word to Fitz, all to protect him from je ne sais quoi, that Fitz character needs to rot somewhere.

    • Non professional opinion

      February 7, 2014 at 4:18 pm

      This babe, which kind of spoiler is this nah! I’ve been saving all the episodes to watch at once. But this jist is interesting….add me to the hate fitz fan club….but don’t tell me anymore.

    • jcsgrl

      February 7, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      Kai you dis girl now you’re making me feel bad for loving the show the scandal. A friend of mine castigated me for supporting Olivia and fitz relationship as a married woman. My defense was I felt Olivia and Fitz were better for each other than with Mellie. I know stupid right? Ok I need to go and rethink my moral values. The media don messed me up

    • Jane Public

      February 7, 2014 at 5:09 pm

      Quick, go to your priest and confess your sins. LMAO. Not being self righteous here but many of us under estimate the power of the media. TV is not mere entertainment, it has never been. Same way I castigate all my married friends who think those two characters belong together. I just tell them you just pray your hsuband doesn’t fall madly in love with another woman and when it happens, let us have this conversation again. You should see them kabashing and jumping up and down shouting heaven forbid. Ehn ehn abi. Now your moral compass has come back to reality. Bravo for Subliminal messaging. @#hatescandal. REALLY? It still won’t make me go back to watch the show sha. I wonder the motive behind that story being written for the show? Maybe the gist of the scandal backlash has gotten to Shonda and she now wants to twist the dialogue to make the audience feel sorry for Mellie. The producer of Being Mary Jane is also a black woman. Reeeeeeeally interesting. We can’t have strong black weomen on tv without making them sluts. They can’t be bad ass and interesting on their own without being some man’s piece of tail. What a narrative. Book an appointment with your priest o.

    • jcsgrl

      February 7, 2014 at 7:21 pm

      LMAO sis Jane Public…I have repented. But can I at least keep watching the show? I promise I wont root for Olivia anymore…preety please *puppyface

    • Ekwitosi

      February 7, 2014 at 10:46 pm

      @Jane Public where have you been I have missed you! Yes oh my sister, side chick na side chick no matter how it is packaged. The funny thing is that some people so blinded by love that even when they are side chicks they don’t realize it because of the cock and bull story the man will tell them. Its all about knowing yourself and setting standards. Believe me I know because some mistakes one has made need not to have occurred in the first place.

    • care

      February 7, 2014 at 11:22 pm

      umm i thought tv shows were fiction based on things that likely go on in our society…oh wait. babe remove your emotion from it because regardless of how you feel these thing have gone on in the past and it is here to stay-perchance we blame social media and technological advancement for how prevalent side chicks seem to be today. wasn’t Marilyn Monroe jfks side chick in real life? a whole president of the worlds super power? i don’t hear anyone complaining. however, you’re here barking at a tv show? oh and when you remove your emotions form the tv show, you will find that people simply like the way that fitz ‘loves’ Olivia- it is a tv shoe for crying out loud!!

      to the lady who suddenly feels bad for melly because she was raped, did you not see that fitz was not intrested in politics if it was going to compromise him? he loved melly just like he loves olivia now. SHE-melly is the one who looked for trouble because she wanted to be in politics regardless of the cost. now i don’t condone the rape however, im not a fan of adults making decisions and then coming to cry in the end if things don’t work out in their favor. melly knew what she was up against so i feel no empathy for her. had she followed her husbands wishes- then would have been in love today- alas its a tv show!. i even think that is the reason she ‘lets’ fitz have olivia.

    • Fig leaf

      February 8, 2014 at 10:50 am

      Thank you care! Sense made!

    • Eddie

      April 29, 2014 at 2:27 pm

      @ Care, thanks jare. I will never support infidelity or the side kick babe (heck, a lot of us married sistas have had to fight oga about the side kick babe) but abeg, Scandal is a good story to follow. Didn’t we all see that Mellie after her rape starved Fitz of sex for years and yet he remained faithful until Liv came along? She told him something in her died and sex was just not for her anymore and yet she could get down with that slow looking VP nominee…Just saying, dont let this nice topic of debate ruin our love for Scandal and Being MaryJane

    • Mama Mia!!!

      February 8, 2014 at 11:55 pm

      Na wa o. why so serious? It is only a freaking show! Morals or not if you watch other shows that portray murder, pedophiles and whatever is not in your moral book, does that in any way make you a supporter of the act? Do not discourage people from loosing out on an amazing show based on your own “supposed” high moral standards. I do not watch the show only cause I aint into shows that are solely based on American politics, Cnn is doing that for me already. However, the show is meant to be a journey, it is meant to give you an insight on what people go through in reality. Instead of hating on the show, hate on the character Olivia pope at least then your standards are being put into good use.

  13. Belladune

    February 7, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    This is too much truth in one piece. Lol.
    A lot of ladies need to read this to redirect themselves really.
    No one wakes up one day and decides to be an option and not a choice though.
    This situation is largely due to the inadequate number of ‘quality’ boys as it is due to us accepting the love we think we deserve.
    Ladies strongly believe no guy is entirely single at any point in time so they conclude they have to win them over.
    And so like every battle, some win, some lose while some(the mighty side chics) just stay trapped in the meshwork. . .unfortunately.
    They lose focus somewhere along the line having started with the utmost conviction they’re better than or at least a match for the ‘chosen’ girl.
    It’s sad enough that so many series are dedicated to them these days. It blinds them even further.
    I really wish every girl could trust that there’s a guy specially made for her somewhere on earth.
    Waiting to find him is the killer though. Hehe.

    And yeah, well done Busola.
    Okoye would be proud! 🙂

    • Newbie

      February 9, 2014 at 8:26 pm

      What’s the difference between an option and a choice?

      And we really need to stop with this romanticized idea of ‘there’s a man for every woman and vice versa, you just need to be patient until he finds you/you find him’. The bitter truth is that some women will remain single for life, so will some men. Sometimes by choice e.g. Catholic priests and reverend sisters, sometimes not by choice. Shit happens. However, it’s not impossible to live a fulfilled single life that is not spent waiting for someone to come and complete you. After a while, people start doing silly things – I just read something today of some women who were asked to turn up at church in wedding dresses if they were believing God for a husband this year. And they actually did. I mean, how desperate can we be?
      Some people marry, have a fulfilling married and then their spouses die. They subsequently remarry and also have fulfilling second marriages. Well negates the ‘one special person meant for you ‘ argument, doesn’t it?

      At the end of the day, the apparent rise in marital infidelity is only a mirror of the society we live in. Values have gone south in every other aspect of life, so no surprises that both men and women are quite happy to violate marriages. Like some have said earlier on this post, it’s no longer reserved for the usual suspects. If only we could each ask ourselves the golden rule question before taking any action – would I be happy to be on the receiving end of what I am meting out? More often than not, the answer would be a resounding NO.

      Another thing – and I’m not making excuses for men, I hhave no reason to- sometimes it’s not the men using the women in these adulterous relationships. Sometimes it’s the women who pursue, ensnare and enslave these men. Again, I will say, not holding brief for the men, not absolving them at all afterall it takes two to tango. But when you have a combination of a man who isn’t walking with God, combined with a woman who has singled him out as her prey and has all the time and resources at her disposal to get what she wants…….

  14. interest

    February 7, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    So who says the girl is waiting for the man to leave his wife. I have fallen into the same category and I was not expecting him to leave his wife. I told him explicitly that if he left his wife, I will leave him without looking back. I will not marry him either as a second wife or even if he left his wife. I had gotten into so many bad relationships with single guys that there was no self esteem left for me. At that time I had just left one that almost led to marriage and if it had, maybe the miserableness would have continued, anyway I left and my self esteem was in the gutter. Then I met him, in his forties, very rich and self made, loving and all that. We literarily fell for each other. His wife is a very good woman. In short, j have never met her but the things he says about her makes me love her. He started working first on my self esteem, he made me feel like I was the best woman in the world and any man to have me will be the luckiest man in the world, now I believe every word of it. Then came the self loving, making me to love myself for who I am and what God says about me. In short, I changed that even my parents were surprised that I had become less troublesome. I got to know that my idea of myself of a troublesome person was false and it was because of the internal struggle within myself that manifested as being insecure and quarrelsome attributed to most girls as in being unnecessarily emotional.

    Now, I am a better person for it. We are no longer dating, I am single and for once I was not afraid of being single and I am not lonely at all. I tell him he is the father that was never present in my emotional upbringing. I think he is a good father and his daughters are so fortunate. He is now the basis I use to look out for in guys when they ask me out.

    some people might want to crucify me but I really don’t care actually. I am a better person and this person made me one. If I have a husband like him and I get to know he had a girlfriend like me, I won’t raise any dust at all because I think he is a good husband. I see text messages from his wife all the time thanking him for being a good husband.

    to conclude this long epistle, some people are born fortunate having high self esteem and knowing how to navigate through life, some people are not and will need someone to put them through. For me, it was him. Also, the money was additional. I earn about 250k every month but he gives me a thousand dollars every month even now that we are just friends. He says I am his responsibility till I get married. I watched Kendra one day and she said playboy mansion curbed her of her excesses because she was drowning and a danger to herself so she is very grateful tp him. me, i am grateful to him and he saved me from myself. So there goes my story. Judge all you can but I am better off.

    • gorgeous

      February 7, 2014 at 2:43 pm

      You hit the nail on the head in my observation of side chicks and insecure women in that, they almost always never had a strong father figure. They are constantly looking for that assurance from a man and validity of their experience from a man. This is why I strongly believe that even when parents are divorced, each parent has a vital role to play in a child’s life. My thoughts…

    • Question

      February 7, 2014 at 3:56 pm

      TankGod for your increased self esteem and all that but I have a question for you. Do you think going with a married man was the best or only way to feel better about yourself as you seem to be justifying being a side chick

    • BA

      February 7, 2014 at 7:07 pm

      Just to add something here… sometimes good things come out of morally bankrupt situations. Think David and Bathsheba in the Bible. By all means women should avoid putting themselves in the side-chick situation but if it happens it some moment(s) of weakness, there is still hope to pick up and leave and start a new life.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 8, 2014 at 3:01 pm

      @ BA, I see your point regarding David and Bathseda; however, repentance was very, very, very, very instrumental in how that story turned out for the better and they subsequently birthed Solomon who went on to become one of the most profound kings ever installed in history. Note that Solomon wasn’t born until David’s complete repentance and in fact, the baby born out of the actual adultery committed was destined to die for that reason. And that first child died as prophesied.

      The lesson there is nothing good comes out of willing and “open-eye” adultery. Absolutely nothing good, except where God’s mercy is sought after.

    • Non professional opinion

      February 7, 2014 at 4:07 pm

      @interest I’m happy you had a positive experience with your married man. He sounds like a wonderful guy, maybe Pope Francis will make him the Patron Saint of Adultery, since he was kind enough to build up your non-existent self esteem and replace it with the belief that if you find a husband that is merely decent and kind to you, he can have free reign to cheat without any fuss.
      However, before you sing his praises too much, wait until you find a guy for yourself and watch married mans behavior change when he sees you bestowing the guy with the adoring looks that used to be reserved for him; then his ego bring out his true colors. Also don’t be surprised if he asks you to join him in some more of that harmless adultery when you are in YOUR matrimonial home. That $1k paycheck is enough to keep you on simmer till his interest is piqued again, and “married woman” is a much tastier morsel than single girl.
      I’m not judging you, because I don’t think you are a bad person but I think you are wavering between naïveté and delusion because you proclaiming a wolf a sheep despite the fact you have seen under the covers.
      The TL:DR version. A good man doesn’t need to put his penis into your vagina to access your self esteem.

    • Jane Public

      February 7, 2014 at 4:50 pm

      The sense that you have, change it to Professional opinion. I have been thinking of how to respond to this girl and you just wrapped it up nicely with a pretty little bow. You are so spot on with the money part. He is just keeping her chilled on ice, buying abi is it investing his right into her life up until the point he wants to cash in on his investment and kasala will burst. The sad part is that, I don’t need to be a prophetess because the future of this can’t end well. If she doesn’t cut this guy off now, she is going to hurt her hsuband and hurt him real bad because he is going to be the victim of this unholy dance that both of them are involved in. When Uncle wants to cash his chips in, Mr lover boy husband will not see it coming.

    • Dr. N

      February 7, 2014 at 5:34 pm

      E hugs! Very professional opinion. U must do this for a living. Nne, I know girls living on 80- 120k salaries o!

    • ADVISER

      February 7, 2014 at 6:11 pm

      Everyone’s story is different and you cannot judge based on that. Some good things come out of bad things and people move on. not everyone is the same and i can confidently say that. even pope francis no good. everybody is thriving to become a better person. if it does not suit you, no wahala, move on but don’t come here to start acting sanctimonious. @interest, i understand you, different strokes for different folks. if being a second wife suits you, go ahead after all, even with one man one wife, some people are not happy. the muslims all over the world who are second wives, have they died? you girls had better not carry man matter on your head if not, you will just die. that was the warning my mum’s friend gave me when I wanted to get married! no carry man matter for your head. marry, have kids, start a family, concentrate on your family and live your life. if you begin to check what your man is doing or not doing, you will just die like fowl. marry because you want to start a family not because you are looking for someone who will not cheat on you. you will see a woman who has a good man beside her leave him because he cheated or has another woman outside. rubbish!!!!!!! Na me know pass with the best marriage in the whole world.Adviser nowangbe. Adultery so what, did he kill someone? the girl has given reasons why she did what she did and has moved on, some people here still want to die on top her matter, she is saying it ended up good for her or is it not possible? didn’t David eat the showbread in the bible that was not meant for him but for the priest due to hunger? did God crucify him? was it accounted to him as sin? some people do things out of the situations they find themselves and everything works out good at the end.am out of here with filled with saints!!!!!

    • CarliforniaBawlar: chaneling her inner Iyke

      February 7, 2014 at 6:27 pm

      hahahahaha!! Patron Saint of Adultery!!! gbam!! gbam!! gbam!!
      My dear too much sense dey worry you!
      And @ other cheating effers who want to come on here to say don’t judge and ask how we are any better….read my lips….THUNDER FIRE YOUR MOUTH.

    • Donald-Landon

      February 7, 2014 at 7:10 pm

      @ ADVISER– So a woman KNOWINGLY has an affair with a married man and a man knowingly cheats on his wife and you are asking us to have sympathy for them and not judge them. Are you freaking kidding me. What sort of bullcrap are you talking about. I have no issues with people that are into polygamy or open marriages. I have an uncle that is married to 2 women and every party is ok with the situation they are in. Different strokes for different people. However, the wife in this situation didn’t say she wanted an open marriage so why is he fooling around. He should have probably married someone like ‘interest’ who would be probably okay with open marriage and stop hurting his wife.

    • BA

      February 7, 2014 at 7:14 pm

      You make a very valid point here for a non professional. Things may go really wrong in the future with that arrangement they have. Girl, Interest… you better walk away from him completely. His part in life your life is done… and move on with your new self esteem.

    • Nneks

      February 7, 2014 at 7:36 pm

      @ADVISER…whats your probs ma?…no one crucified her fpr dating him but rather calling her out because she still collects money from him.

    • jcsgrl

      February 7, 2014 at 4:32 pm

      hmnn sweets happy for you in your new found love and respect for yourself. But never you for once think what you did was the right thing to do just because it yielded positive results. Your case is the exception. Not all side chicks end up with men who are available emotionally and are truly concerned with their wellbeings. So thank God. And please trust me you do not want to share your husband with another woman. I dont care how nice that woman is. You better mind. It is a violation of trust and no matter how you try to look the other way, in your heart and mind the relationship will never be the same. Anyway, please move on with your life and sin no more…lol. Also stop collecting money from him. You can live under 250k a mth!

    • Bide

      February 7, 2014 at 5:04 pm

      God bless u for this reply and non-professional too.. I mean,Just look at that

    • SpeakNoEvil

      February 8, 2014 at 8:28 am

      Hey,
      I am not trying to judge you at all, but your lack of remorse baffles me. Now, your moral compass may point south, but your humanity should surely be pointing north. Did you ever stop to consider the kind of emotional trauma you were causing the wife in your affair with this man or were you too busy building your own “self esteem” to notice that you were destroying the self esteem of another woman who may be wondering whether the reason her husband is cheating with a younger woman is due to the fact that her body changed after giving birth? Did you stop to consider what would happen to his children if his wife had left him because of the cheating? They would have had to grow up in a broken home and What do you think would have become of their self esteem?
      I am very sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your self esteem is still in the gutter. Why, you ask? The fact that he is the ideal to which you compare other guys to is a really troubling one. What exactly are you looking for? A lying, cheating, untrustworthy, manipulative, std carrying, adulterous, waste of human space? You say that he is the father that was never present in your life; could it be that you have developed some sort of Electra complex where he is concerned and you are competing with his wife, that you so dearly love, for his affections? If so, I am really worried about your mental health. What happens when he walks away with that self esteem, he so painstakingly constructed for you, in his back pocket? Are you going to fall apart then?
      Another thing, you don’t love his wife. You have only disillusioned yourself into thinking you love her, so that your conscience will absolve you of the guilt you are feeling for wrecking the sanctity of her marriage (with help from her cheating husband of course). Thinking you will condone your husband having a girlfriend like you is simply a way for you to create a warped reality where you atone for the pains you may have caused this woman? Or, is this your way of implying that you deserve to be punished for happily cheating with another woman’s husband, where if your husband cheats on you in return with another “broken” girl, your penance would have been completed?
      You are not a better person as a result of your relationship with this man, who is still manipulating you monetarily. He is making sure that you will constantly need him in your life. To be a better person, you will have to cut off all contact with this man, so that you can minimize the hurt you have already caused his wife and children.
      To borrow your words, I will conclude my epistle here.

    • Oluwabusola Adedire

      February 9, 2014 at 11:56 pm

      Sister, this your story is very thick!!! While I rejoice with you with your found self-esteem, I can’t get past some statements you have made above. You mentioned that if you were his wife and found out he was cheating, you won’t be mad because he is good husband. I don’t think you are being truthful.. rather, I think you are using that as an excuse to justify your wrong doing. I am glad that you have ended things with him.. but darling, you need to stop collecting his money. He is not a fool, and as long as he keeps giving you money.. he still has a hold on you. Please, For the sake of your future you need to cut ties with him ASAP.

    • Tincan

      February 12, 2014 at 10:22 pm

      Chai! The devil is a liar sha, truly the father of all lies. To the extent that you feel this guy is, at least in part, responsible for making you ‘love yourself for who you are and what God says about you’. Interest, lemme me break it down – that is not God. That is the devil. Notice, I didn’t say you are the devil but the tricks, the delusions, they are not of God. Now, it is very possible for God to cause even this bad situation to work out for your good but you need to seek mercy and find God’s kind of esteem. Infact, the God kind of esteem does not come from any man, esp. if he isn’t your biological father. It could be that this thread was written for you. Think about things properly, here is your chance to turn this thing over to God, in truth. I know a poster talked about the David situation but the truth is the outcome was not good for Uriah or the child born to David and Bathsheba. Also, thank God now for even more grace but remember the sword did not depart from David’s house. Tamar and Absalom? They were just one of the consequences of David’s act. So think about it carefully. Read ‘let’s talk about solutions’ post. There’s a place to start. And to all others in relationships with married\taken guys, one more solution. Light and darkness cannot abide with other. Find a respected and trusted christian and shine a light on your issue. It’s hard…and embarassing…and cringeworthy but it’ll save you in the long run. Find someone you respect, tell them the truth, let them help you pour God’s light into the situation. Darkness will flee.

  15. Nigerian MARY JANE

    February 7, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    THIS IS ME. only difference is that he is not married, but has a serious girlfriend. Anytime i watch being maryjane i cry, cuz its like staring at me. I have broken things up about 4 times in the past 8 months, but it is almost like the dude is obsessed with me, he just would not let me go, he even once said he wished he could clone me, just so that he would stop kneeling down shamelessly infront of my house all the time. I can see that he loves me(i’m not in denial), but our situation is hurting me deeply. His babe has found out about us twice and even ended things with him but then she came back begging, and he took her back. I know i am the bitch here, but i NEED him. Its truly like a drug addiction. i feel bad and i am scared of Karma, but anytime he comes begging, i get too weak. I NEED HELP!!!!!!!

    • Jane Public

      February 7, 2014 at 2:40 pm

      nah girl, you don’t need him. The only being you are allowed to need is God. The guy is playing you and you are letting him. It is until you get pregnant and he still chooses the other girl over you that your eye will clear. True story. We told her so many times she didn’t answer. Now she is a single mom and the man is married with his own family.

    • whocares

      February 7, 2014 at 3:01 pm

      If she broke up with him, why would he agree to go back to her if he really wanted to be with you? And this happened twice? I don’t understand this love thing, but if it helps, you should move(sounds drastic but what else can you do?) I don’t think a “leave the man alone and cling on to Jesus” advise will work here. So move! Get a new job, move to a new city and leave the man alone as I don’t think he is that serious about you. Life is not that hard. Your life is not some M&B book. It is amazingly uncomplicated if you let it be. x

      Ooh I love this Busola… I have never even watched scandal, and cant relate to all of this.. I hate drama even more than I hate bad grammar, so this side chic business I cannot do. But it may not be as black and white as I think it is, and it should be.. There is no one size fits all answer or opinion to every situation.

    • care

      February 7, 2014 at 11:37 pm

      the writer put in bracket ‘im not in denial’ lmaoooo. girl, you just took the words out of my mouth why didn’t he ask you out when the girl left him? i really don’t understand this love thing because its causing people to do all sorts. Ive already told God that before i agree to ‘date’ any man he might actual have to audibly tell me to go ahead because the amount of foolishness going around in the name of love literally scares me

    • koko

      February 7, 2014 at 3:02 pm

      hes playing you girl..if he really loved you as much as he claimed why havent u guys made it official during those brief breaks with his main chick?what is it about her that makes it so difficult to leave her?urs is a typical case and im sure u know it. the guy is most likely the one begging and crying for the main chick to come back and he comes to u and tells u lies…pls move on!

    • BA

      February 7, 2014 at 7:19 pm

      Here, this is for you: apoemaday.tumblr.com/post/63018748449/questions-for-the-woman-i-was-last-night-the-honest

    • Broken hearted

      February 8, 2014 at 1:54 pm

      @Nigerian Mary Jane: you sound like madam Sarah Ikeoluwa O.? If you aren’t, pardon moi. If you are, only one thing to say- what goes around comes around. You were friends with him through ur sister and knew about his serious relationship. You pushed ur way into his life and despite knowing the g.f and speaking to her personally, you are still with him! You claimed to leave him many times but you still chase after him with calls etc even to the point of kissing his parents’ asses. All because you have an influential parent. May you ‘win’ him cause you two lying cheats deserve each other. However, God is still on the throne. Our parents may not be rich and influential, but God is still on the throne. Thank you for all the pain.

    • Fig leaf

      February 10, 2014 at 3:14 am

      Choi! See how you exposed this Sarah of a person. Kai! Internet haff mercy on us all.

  16. benjamin burton

    February 7, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Very well written article.However there is a smuggled in assumption in this argument, and this is that men and especially married men are the ones with the evil machinations to lure, entice or enchant these ” helpless women” to do their bidding. While i do not deny that there are men are out who perfectly fit this category, as a matter of fact these men are a dime a dozen. There are also many many women who willingly want to be the side chic and put themselves in this sticky situations. I speak from experience and for these women i have no pity whatsoever, we all know the rules of the game, we are adults here and when the consequences of our ugly deeds comes to bear let us not all of a sudden get all religious and ” blame the devil”. As for the men that perpetrate these acts on “unsuspecting women” as you lay your bed, so shall you lie on it. God is not mocked. I keenly remind myself ” He is who strong, watch your feet lest you fall..Temptation is always around the corner…

  17. Nneks

    February 7, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Yesterday Ms Flying doctors wrote an article about the ‘myth of runs girls’… today reading the comments on this article contradicts things…smh….well I enjoyed the article and the comments and hope and wish we all find that special someone soon.

  18. Diva

    February 7, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Chai! I don hear am finish for this BN…… So nowadays low self esteem is good enough reason to be a side chic? Issorai, issokay! @interest #faceyourwork and leave the dude alone! You think mentioning the fact that you make 250k justifies collecting money from him? Just pray that when you do get married, your husband makes enough money to be dashing his side chic $5,000 while of course leaving you with enough to spend (hopefully) @ nigerian mary jane, you are wasting your time and energy… dude aint leaving his chic any time soon. By your narration, he had a chance to leave her, but he took her back… That action alone has said it all! I don’t even know what the attraction is to married men anyway… its puzzling.

    • Hey

      February 7, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      You when no dey date married men e good for you nah, you sef face your work. After all you are still not better than them. Whether you have dated or not, it does not mean you would marry well or have the best life. All you can do is to advise and warn people. Women who get involved are mature women. Live and let live abi no be so Oyibo people talk am.

    • Bide

      February 7, 2014 at 5:12 pm

      Nawa oo

    • CarliforniaBawlar: chaneling her inner Iyke

      February 7, 2014 at 6:32 pm

      shattap!! She is in fact better than chicks sleeping with other woman’s husbands!! And mind you God cannot be mocked…who says she won’t have a better home? God is righteous! Come on here and tell me stories of women that got married as virgins but their homes crashed…..do you know the full story? Please if we all base our life off of just do whatever and not correct the people going the obvious wrong path, this world would be in disarray by now…..mschewww!!

    • Ndidi

      February 7, 2014 at 6:55 pm

      Life is something else sha!
      Marry problem, No Marry problem.
      How person go do na?

  19. iCry

    February 7, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    I am a married woman doing my best in my family and I never fault the other women. I look at the man I married and his selfish ways. I am numb and I pray he does not fall for a woman that will wreck him…for the sake of our child. I am well taken care of thanks to my career. I have also decided that marriage is not for me. I can’t kill myself as being Martha Stewart, Carmen Elektra and Clare Huxtable has not kept him from chasing women like the ones above. We are so newly married, and it is sad to think a man that was so smitten by me did a 180 so quickly.
    Anyways, I will never scoff at the other women, you are not the ones I committed to but please ladies remember to protect yourselves. These men live recklessly. Mine knows better than to ask for bedroom activities now that I am aware of the extracurricular activities. He knows I don’t play with my health.

    • jcsgrl

      February 7, 2014 at 4:27 pm

      Na wa o…that is soo sad. So wetin you go do naa? I’m asking cos there are soo many women in your situation and I just wonder how they cope in the marriage. Like you I’m very health conscious so finding out about extra marital affairs is a deal breaker but for most women its not. So how do they do it biko? You seem to have you head right. May God give you the strength and wisdom you need.

    • Non professional opinion

      February 7, 2014 at 4:41 pm

      Your comment breaks my heart. I don’t even know what to say. Marriage is definitely for you in the mighty name of Jesus. And a happy one filled with joy, love and friendship. That is your portion. I know that advice is not always welcome or even helpful when it comes to relationships, but when my hubs and I had some issues and I was already planning my escape,I prayed and God told me to pray some more. So every morning I held his hand and prayed for him and us and the transformation in our relationship was swift and beautiful. I went from thinking “eff this nigga” to thinking I’m the luckiest girl in the world, it’s comical. As for the newly married part, do the research a LOT of men react this way when they just get married, because they freak out that they are tied down, generally it’s a phase that passes. You have a child so just give prayer a try for his/her sake, and we will all pray for a wonderful result for you. Hugs!

    • iCry

      February 7, 2014 at 5:33 pm

      Thanks dear. I have decided to face God and my child. I have also forgiven but the damage is done. Maybe I no look well, oh and by newly wedded I mean over 2 years (no mind me). I look at him as a friend but I can’t trust him with my heart or health…ever. My parents are happily married and I know what trials come with marriage. A man continuously disrespecting you and himself is not worth it. I am truly at peace with living for God, my child, my family and myself. I have dreams to make an impact in my world, and doing what I am assigned to do here on earth. I love the institution of marriage and encourage it by the way.

    • Vicki

      February 7, 2014 at 5:37 pm

      @icry, I cry with you and I honestly and truly hope it gets better for you. if you need to speak to someone please feel free to contact me. truly mean that.

    • Angel

      February 7, 2014 at 5:52 pm

      Nne tell them!! This issue is so complicated that there is no ‘one size fits all’ advice to give the single sisters, like somebody said I worry for this generation of women and for our daughters coming up. Oh how I wish we ll go back to the days of no sex before marriage, the days newly married couples have to show a blood stained bed sheet to prove the bride’s virginity on her wedding night, yes call me backward but most of these problems will not be there if women are still mandated to keep their dignity. Another aspect of this problem is the fact that we keep imitating the western world and these pple have the highest rate of divorce, relationship problems with loss of family values. So what’s to imitate?
      The so called side chicks re simply giving the men all the power to do and undo, infact men this days eats their cake and have it. I know of a particular case where the man dated this chick for years and when it was time for him to settle down, he went and married some other babe, after like six months into the marriage, he went back to the previous girl using her as his mistress and that one is hoping that he will divorce his wife for her some day which will never happen. Now what do u call that? Low self esteem, stupidity abi madness? Even if there are no more men in the world. As for me, what I tel ladies is that these men are just playing them while having the time of their lives until one gets hurt, and by hurt I don’t just mean emotional stress. Because women are so desperate, most successful married men except of course few wise ones, don’t just have one side chick but as many as they like, I mean women are so cheap this days anyway; It all good but the biggest problem is the alarming rate Incurable stds keep coming up, even medical science aren’t able to keep up. So like my mum wil say, aka ka onye nma, ya fie na isi….sorry I can’t interpret that.

    • Energybill

      February 7, 2014 at 6:41 pm

      “Oh how I wish we ll go back to the days of no sex before marriage, the days newly married couples have to show a blood stained bed sheet to prove the bride’s virginity on her wedding night”

      Ok now what about the groom? abi what is sauce for the goose ain’t sauce for the gander?

      Please what does this have to do with the article or how does this resolve/ curb anything? please enlighten me. Or your medical science did not tell you that some women are born without hymen, some have torn theirs unknowingly through sports etc without the associated pain and blood, or some with intact hymen do not necessarily bleed of feel pain when they first have sex?

    • confused

      February 8, 2014 at 12:33 am

      I believe abstinence applies to BOTH sexes.

      -Proudly liberal feminist virgin

    • Deeee

      February 12, 2014 at 11:28 am

      @Energybill sweetie, calm down. i ignored your first comment. I think you are going off point. What has blood stained bed sheets got to do with what we are saying here? I believe if women were compelled to remain virgins till marriage, a lot of men will be too because there will be very few women (the cheating wives) to have sex with. So yeah, i believe Angel has a very good point. @Adviser, everyone has a right to their opinion. You need not shove yours down our throats. Anyways, i’m a virgin so i can tell this to your face-it is not right, non should it be justified to date a married man/woman. Really, why do you all ‘kill’ yourselves when the issue of sex and abstinence comes up?

    • camo

      February 7, 2014 at 6:00 pm

      Jesus Himself will heal your marriage, dont give up yet. Pray and pray some more. Prayer never fails.

    • looters

      February 7, 2014 at 6:36 pm

      Nawa oh @iCry. Like my mum told me, ‘its not the single ones that have HIV, AIDS and every other incurable STI, it’s the faithful married women whose husbands go around having unprotected sex’. As much as @NonProfessionalOpinion has given you this amazing heart warming msg, please take your husband and you guys should go test yourselves. You already know there is a high chance he’s been having unprotected sex. You are really strong for getting on with your life amidst his ‘iso nkpu’. Remember to go test with him after the prayers together of trying to make things work.

    • Non professional opinion

      February 7, 2014 at 7:20 pm

      @looters I’m with you on that. Prayer and practicality must work together.

    • Ndidi

      February 7, 2014 at 6:50 pm

      WOW!
      is this how fruit trees grow? O etua ka ifenlacha si ami?

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 8, 2014 at 3:15 pm

      @iCry, reading your comment made me say a prayer for you. May God strengthen your heart to heal from this betrayal and may He use every means necessary to jolt your husband back to the reality of his commitment to his family. Continue to protect your health, for the sake of you and your baby in the meantime. You deserve to live a fulfilled life in every way.

  20. Bide

    February 7, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    I’m so pushed to sharing my own story, But i’ll wait and comments first.. But ill say this, No Woman deserves to be any man’s substitute or Second choice..

  21. fashionandstylepolice

    February 7, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    Nice post. I love that tv show.

  22. Dr N

    February 7, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    I don’t know for some pple but sometimes being a side chick is not planned. I had broken up with my first boyfriend while in University. First guy I truly ever loved and known so was really hurting and wouldn’t even consider dating anyone for such a long time. My friends tried setting me up on dates but nothing was gd enough until I met a fine tall gentleman and as it turned out he was married which he told me after giving me a lift. being a smart babe and well grounded morally doing whats right decided not to have anything to do with him but its easier said than done.
    I am not justifying my actions but this dude was so cool, it was as if d connection I felt with my ex boyfriend then was bk.i could tell him anything and he made me feel so loved despite 13years difference between us.
    I knew in my head that wasn’t right but ai couldn’t let go and we were friends for a number of yrs.even after I graduated med sch.i moved to a different town but he would always call me.visit me when he can. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I re evaluated my life but I tell u it took the special grace of God for me to pull away cos its never easy especially when that guy fills d void in ur life.its not something I encourage and since watching Mary Jane. I totally get her and don’t wish anyone to b a sidechick but sometimes u don’t even feel like the sidechick

    • Nominee

      February 7, 2014 at 6:42 pm

      Being a side chick can be unintentional when you don’t know the man is married, but I have handed over to God any married man that goes of with me while deceiving me of his status that other things of life will be denied him as he has denied his wife! #amnotevenjoking

    • jcsgrl

      February 7, 2014 at 7:29 pm

      I know what you mean sis. I’ve experienced it too with a married man. Mehn they can be determined, patient, caring and the best lovers. essentially everything they don’t do for their wives. They are usually established and can take care of you. It took the special grace of God for me to end it. Like 3 yrs of counseling, therapy on and off with this man. How it finally ended I dont even know. I will end it and he will come back begging, pleading to be patient with him and stupid me will be back in it. That is why I empathize with @ interest above. When the hold finally broke, it broke. I broke it off moved on and kept on moving. One difficult day turned to months and then a year and I was free. To any side chic or whatever, if you truly want to end it you can. Just make a conscious decision one day at a time

    • Dr. N

      February 7, 2014 at 8:43 pm

      Sorry Dr. N I hope we r not sharing ID? No vex o!

    • Fig leaf

      February 8, 2014 at 11:06 am

      Lol! This comment right here!

  23. Angel

    February 7, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    @ iCry dear, hang in there, seek the Spirit God. Only the spirit of God can comfort u and give u the strength u need for this journey. U see, marriage is like a call, it’s work, it’s commitment. U know nobody sits u down and actually tel u what marriage is all about or what u will see in marriage. I guess cos most never understands it themselves and struggle thru it all their lives. I don’t like to give advice on marriage myself cos am still learning as well. There are times I wake up in the mornin and am like for sure Am packing my bags and there are times I just sit and count my blessings. One thing am sure of which I ve learnt so far is that getting close to God makes it better. The Holy Spirit is real and He gives strength and direction on best way to go about certain issues. Above all only Him can comfort u and u will feel really comforted, cos nothing anybody can say to u wil make u feel better, and trust me, the grass is not always greener on the other side, divorce doesn’t really solve the problem. the Spirit really understands and knows exactly what u re going thru, so only He can truly make it better. And also cos God does not joke with marriage, it’s a convenant, so my dear, be strong. Hugs

  24. CarliforniaBawlar: chaneling her inner Iyke

    February 7, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    On the topic of the show itself…Am I the only one that finds herself screaming at the end of each Being Mary Jane episode??!! ‘
    He gets her back with the craziest things…
    1. My password is your address = smashing in the gym?!
    2. Change the swimming pool lights with my clothes = hot love making season?!
    3. I asked for a divorce = Making out outside on top motocar??
    Oga oh!! This is why the Bible says to FLEE from sin/temptation! Mary-jane needs to cut that dude’s trifling a** off like a gangrened limb!!

    • ADVISER

      February 7, 2014 at 7:10 pm

      I am going to copy and paste what I wrote initially. your life is not better than anyone’s else, it is only yours to live. you don’t know how other people are living their lives so you shattap!!!!!!!!!! sin of dating a married man is no different from sin of lying or backbiting or fornicating. you sleep with a single guy and another sleeps with a married man, all na sex and all na sin. no one is better than the other. the only person who should have the effrontery or audacity to talk is if you are a virgin and have never kissed or thought of even having sex in your mind before you got married. if you do not fall into that category, my dear, shsssssh! sin na sin, e no get category. one is not worse than the other. people who have slept with all the single guys in the world now want to find a justification to condemn the ones that date married men. if you never “fuck” for your life before, hands up, then you can speak. everyone want to find a niche where they can condemn and talk down on the other person. abi when you get to heaven, God will say, those that slept with married men, their fire will be hotter than those who did it with single men?

      Everyone’s story is different and you cannot judge based on that. Some good things come out of bad things and people move on. not everyone is the same and i can confidently say that. even pope francis no good. everybody is thriving to become a better person. if it does not suit you, no wahala, move on but don’t come here to start acting sanctimonious. @interest, i understand you, different strokes for different folks. if being a second wife suits you, go ahead after all, even with one man one wife, some people are not happy. the muslims all over the world who are second wives, have they died? you girls had better not carry man matter on your head if not, you will just die. that was the warning my mum’s friend gave me when I wanted to get married! no carry man matter for your head. marry, have kids, start a family, concentrate on your family and live your life. if you begin to check what your man is doing or not doing, you will just die like fowl. marry because you want to start a family not because you are looking for someone who will not cheat on you. you will see a woman who has a good man beside her leave him because he cheated or has another woman outside. rubbish!!!!!!! Na me know pass with the best marriage in the whole world.Adviser nowangbe. Adultery so what, did he kill someone? the girl has given reasons why she did what she did and has moved on, some people here still want to die on top her matter, she is saying it ended up good for her or is it not possible? didn’t David eat the showbread in the bible that was not meant for him but for the priest due to hunger? did God crucify him? was it accounted to him as sin? some people do things out of the situations they find themselves and everything works out good at the end.am out of here with filled with saints!!!!!

    • looters

      February 7, 2014 at 8:57 pm

      man.. you seriously need to take a chill pill

    • CarliforniaBawlar

      February 7, 2014 at 9:11 pm

      Hoes be like……..
      I couldn’t even finish reading you BS epistle…..you just basically reiterated the same nonesense you wrote earlier….awe sundanu!
      For arguments sake, what if told you i have never fucked before? That i don’t do any of the crap you listed up there? Is it that hard for you to believe that some people actually have their sh*t together?! Gurl please……
      Double standards everywhere!! If i came out and wrote on here that i’m a thief or that i ruin other people’s lifes with gossip would you come here and be the defender of the sinners? But once it comes to knacking matter your blood would start boiling. Oh! And by the way, not all sin is ‘equal’ (i didn’t even call her a sinner o!) the bible does state that the sin of fornication is more grievious as it is commited against your body which is the supposed temple of the Holy Spirit. So my dear look for another basis for you baseless “nobody holy pass” argument.

    • jcsgrl

      February 7, 2014 at 7:34 pm

      lol I actually empathize with Mary Jane. Cutting off is easier said that done especially when dude keeps showing up and ringing her back into the same circus. to flee is better jare

    • CarliforniaBawlar

      February 7, 2014 at 9:16 pm

      Lol! Me too!! But that last episode whenever he was in her driveway i kept screaming “keep driving MaryJane….keep driving!!” Cos if na me i would even get out of the car to talk to him oh! I hope she gets herself out of this hot mess! I really do understand her…..

    • Oluwabusola Adedire

      February 8, 2014 at 3:11 am

      Girrrrrrl!!!! I screamed too.. Mary Jane needs someone to slap her to reality. That dude is nothing but bad news 🙁

  25. done it, lived it and done with it

    February 7, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    A girl with no self-esteem has nothing, just like my Name ” i have done it, lived with it and now am done with it” prominent in my life months ago were guys with not one intention of marrying me. They do not need to be married before we get stringed along, I felt he was my last bus stop at just 23 years of age, Thank God for Steve Harvey ‘think like a man..’ I walked on that lonely hard journey, worked on myself, got my esteem back and yes am still a WORK IN PROGRESS(My new name)………..

  26. NaijaPikin

    February 7, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    While reading the comments, this verse came to mind “Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?”- Roman 6:1

    It is not easy to get out of sin. Read the Bible and it tells of all the work you have to put in to stay out of sin. You flee, you pray, you meditate, you fast, as in it is serious work. And even on top of all that work, it is still the grace of God that helps us.

    So no I do support any side chick, but yet I do not condemn. I just pray the grace of God will be sufficient for us and we have enough time to depart from our sinful ways.

  27. Angel

    February 8, 2014 at 12:32 am

    @ Energybill, I don’t understand what u re on about but like u said I will enlighten u a bit. One of the SURE way to prevent std is ABSTINENCE my dear. Have u been around Arab people before? real ones not fake oo, u will be shocked to meet twenty something year old guys (very handsome and rich by the way) still a virgin, excited about getting married and having first sex. Yes! in 2014, there are still many of them, u know why? Cos their culture demands that their girls still be virgin on their wedding night. So most of their guys are also brought up to wait till they meet that special somebody. Mind u, I used to despise their culture until I had the opportunity to witness a proper young Arab marriage, my views changed after that. Am not saying we should embrace their culture completely but we can learn a thing or two from them…

  28. Angel

    February 8, 2014 at 12:53 am

    @ Energybill sorry I forgot to add this: u asked what my argument has got to do with the article, perhaps u re the one that needs to read the article properly, the article is about side chicks, i stated my view (I believe am entitled to my opinion) which is that more and more ladies for whatever reason are taking this route, letting men do as they like, I don’t condemn nobody cos it’s not my place to judge. the only thing am concerned for in all this is the std thingy shikena…..

    • Fig leaf

      February 8, 2014 at 11:13 am

      Gurrrrl, you can write epistle sha! Calm down oh before water breaks

    • Energybill

      February 10, 2014 at 1:36 am

      You’ve have just written another epistle without addressing my questions re “blood stained bed sheet to prove the bride’s virginity on her wedding night”. I asked didn’t your medical science teach you that some women are born without hymen etc. What should happen to such women who are virgins on their wedding night since there would be no blood to show for it (or you don’t know what hymen is?). Other question how do you prove/show the man’s virginity? Sauce for goose ain’t sauce for gander? Or it is only the woman that is required to prove her virginity.Your single Arab example does not hold because you and I know men are not held to the same standards when it comes to virginity in most cultures around world. Last question, how does blood stained bedsheet solve the issue of Mary Jane?

      PS you don’t need to reply, its just for you to think before making such crass statements as in your first comment.

    • Deeee

      February 12, 2014 at 11:27 am

      @Energybill sweetie, calm down. i ignored your first comment. I think you are going off point. What has blood stained bed sheets got to do with what we are saying here? I believe if women were compelled to remain virgins till marriage, a lot of men will be too because there will be very few women (the cheating wives) to have sex with. So yeah, i believe Angel has a very good point. @Adviser, everyone has a right to their opinion. You need not shove yours down our throats. Anyways, i’m a virgin so i can tell this to your face-it is not right, non should it be justified to date a married man/woman. Really, why do you all ‘kill’ yourselves when the issue of sex and abstinence comes up?

  29. Confused sister

    February 8, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Pls we need male BN readers to comment on these types of articles and explain what goes on in the heads of men that do things like this. These things get my head spinning because I DO NOT understand how u claim to love one yet frolic with another. How can u be in love with one girl but can’t let go of the other….like I really don’t get it!

  30. Missy B

    February 8, 2014 at 11:36 pm

    Na wa for side chick matter. Two things said above catch my attention and ring very tue:

    Mis A says…..No woman is entirely above the tricks of men and the traps of the heart….

    Jane Public says …side chicks are now cool. The dialogue has changed from a money hungry, possibly slutty side chick to a strong, independent, beautiful, witty yadi yadi yada and the alarming rate of which educated, high achieving career women are side chicks now will make your head spin….

    So, so true. I speak from experience of being so shocked, angry, frustrated, pleading with and now committing my cousin to God. I haven’t been watching Mary Jane religiously so I don’t get the whole gist, but she IS Mary Jane in so many ways, from what I’ve read about the show. Funny it was she who told me about the show and made got me into wanting to watch it.

    My cousin is a beautiful, young, savvy, highly successful beautiful woman, with plenty of ambition to boot. So why am I pulling out my hair? There are two married men involved. Both young, handsome, successful men, that were SINGLE when they first met my cousin but eventually went on to marry other people.

    Man number one lied that he was having issues with his girlfriend when he met my cousin, so they started dating. Okay so maybe he and his girlfriend were truly having issues… but the bottom line is that they obviously sorted out their issues, enough to allow them get married. Happens everyday, no biggie, right? But my cousin decided to continue being this guy’s friend, and from friends they became friends with benefits i.e. started seeing each other again, even after his wedding… Man number two dated her for two years. According to her, he was the one person she thought she could spend the rest of her life with; so she introduced him to her parents, as he did her to his. All seemed to be going well, until unbeknownst to her, he started making plans to get married to some other chick. A friend of his calls her aside and tells her that his guy was planning to marry someone else, for her to beware. She confronts him, and he boldly denies it. Two months later, he gets married, without so much as a cowardly text message or email to her, never mind a call to explain anything. I was beyond livid. On the day of his wedding, she was inconsolable. Her mum and her siblings just broke down crying as well, all in a bid to comfort her. I heard uncle even shed a tear – poor man never felt so humiliated. Six months after the wedding, this mofo contacted her, they met up and ‘talked about it’[WTF?, excuse my French]. What does she do? She shags him right there and has since continued.

    She says she is under no illusions that she is more than a side chick and does not expect either man to leave his wife for her. Meanwhile, she has single toasters o, plenty but she doesn’t want to give any of them a chance.

    The last time we had a chat about this her situation, we both ended up in tears. See, a younger me would have judged her instantly and told her off and probably kept my distance from her to show my disgust for her lifestyle. But as I get older and wiser, I am learning to be more accommodating whilst not condoning evil, but not condemning the sinner. I have preached gently, I have spoken sternly, but I don’t want to cross that line where she sees me as being holier than thou and clams up, because I know she doesn’t open up to too many people. This is so out of character for the girl I’ve known literally all my life and this is where I think she’s helpless but is too proud to admit it, she claims she knows what she’s doing and will stop when she wants to, but i fear it will end spectacularly horribly. Hence my frustration.

    Ibeji mi, if you stumble on this, sorry. I really hope that by then you would have extricated yourself from this mess and we can laugh about it. You are too precious to let yourself be used, and you know i love you soooooo much, that’s why I worry.

    • essy

      February 9, 2014 at 1:12 am

      I feel for cousin.I think she lost her self esteem in the process . so sad

  31. Posh

    February 9, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    This man matter sef. I have been there, done that. I have the tee shirt. Now all I do is just close my heart to all this love matter. I am oh so scared to start seeing any man again, I have to reach deep down in my heart for any iota of love or emotion. Now I just avoid men, when i see that it MAY be leading somewhere, i back up. All my stupid exes who cheated, yes both the married and unmarried ones. I have stopped picking all their calls. I don pass “hi, how are you doing text message”. Now i do not even answer anymore, their numbers have all been deleted. I just want to be ALONE. And focus on med school, at least that I can control. My heart is now sooo scarred, i can’t wear it on my sleeves anymore or give it away anytime soon, until its healed. Missy B, keep your friend in your prayer and hope she snaps out of it. I know she will but lets hope its not too late.

  32. don,t judge

    February 9, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    Wao so many comments. Guess I,m guilty too. We are both married, have known for over a decade. And cn,t let go. Hv broken off several times but always back again.God help us!

    • Fig leaf

      February 10, 2014 at 3:11 am

      Why can’t you let go? A decade is a long time. Where you married when you first met each other? This una own different oh. I pray you find the courage to do the right thing.

  33. Lord have Mercy

    February 9, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    I can’t but marvel at the comments.
    But I will just contribute by saying maybe the side chicks/mistresses are not the problem or the wives of these Men. Maybe its the men in question. Have seen a scenario where by a man left his Preggy girlfriend( set to marry her o) and married another lady his claim was that he. loves the latter girlfriend now his wife. After many years this same man and his baby mama started their flings. Spends on her,buys her car,pay for her expensive summer holidays and gives her money more than he gives the wife at home and the baby mama too refuses to maRry ( so what would you term that?!) and this is aside the other girlfriends he keeps outside his marriage.
    Like someone mention earlier, some of this men will crawl, beg and do extremely unbelievable things that they can’t even do to/for theirs wives even in bed just cos they wants these side chicks.
    And the truth is Most married women too don’t keep theirs husbands. I read an article sometimes ago about ‘ if you know your friend’s partner is cheating you tell her? and most ladies(married) concluded that they don’t want to know and that they won’t tell as not to break their friends Home. I think the way married woman pretend not to see or not raise an alarm or rebuke any man around them also gives them the condign to continue to cheats.

  34. Lord have Mercy

    February 9, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    I can’t but marvel at the comments.
    But I will just contribute by saying maybe the side chicks/mistresses are not the problem or the wives of these Men. Maybe its the men in question. Have seen a scenario where by a man left his Preggy girlfriend( set to marry her o) and married another lady his claim was that he. loves the latter girlfriend now his wife. After many years this same man and his baby mama started their flings. Spends on her,buys her car,pay for her expensive summer holidays and gives her money more than he gives the wife at home and the baby mama too refuses to maRry ( so what would you term that?!) and this is aside the other girlfriends he keeps outside his marriage.
    Like someone mention earlier, some of this men will crawl, beg and do extremely unbelievable things that they can’t even do to/for theirs wives even in bed just cos they wants these side chicks.
    And the truth is Most married women too don’t keep theirs husbands. I read an article sometimes ago about ‘ if you know your friend’s partner is cheating you tell her? and most ladies(married) concluded that they don’t want to know and that they won’t tell as not to break their friends Home. I think the way married woman pretend not to see or not raise an alarm or rebuke any man around them also gives them the condign to continue to cheats.

  35. Gogo

    February 10, 2014 at 12:05 am

    @Confused sister, I guess you are confused about “Love” and “Lust”. Have you not realised that a lot of people (men and women alike) mistake lust for love. This is the reason why men and women can’t be satisfied with one partner. They do not love, they lust after each other in varying degrees. Lust is self-centred and self-seeking while love is sacrificial in outlook. I hope this distinction addresses the confusion.

  36. Lets Talk about Solutions

    February 10, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot perform it. I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out. 19 For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am doing.24 O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death?

    Paul an Apostle, (not just an ordinary church goer, A Pastor- senior Pastor-Apostle) who didn’t even live in this kind of derailed world we are living in now, had this to say.
    Without justifying sin, we live in a world that “conditions of life”, problems, flesh, lust, moral decadence, temptations, increased work of darkness, increased presence of spiritual demons and agents makes it not so easy to abstain from these things. Your own conditions may be heartbreak, lack of money, unavailability of desired partner, search for jobs or even the flesh that makes you fall for these things.

    Paul was there, he went through it; he didn’t hide it; it was a weakness; and he couldn’t help himself. In vs 25 of Romans Chapter 7, he gave us the solution to it all. Through Jesus Christ, we can make it and live above sin.

    What are the solutions?
    1. The Grace of God- we can do nothing of our own. Continuously ask for His grace to overcome it
    2. Flee. Don’t even bother trying it or perceiving the food. Immediately you sight it, run away from it cos you might fall for it
    3. Position yourself for your own partner. Pray for it, be the kind of person you want to have yourself.
    4. Endure. Endurance is needful. You may not have money today, tomorrow you definitely will. Don’t because of needs go after that affair. Remember, we didn’t come with anything, we wont go with any. All those who seemed they had the whole world, were they buried with their possessions?
    5. Let’s abstain from friends who can lure us, music/vidoes/tv shows/books that may suggest that it is a good thing to do
    6. Fight it very hard, discipline yourself by all means- if it means to fast, change your line, change location, block his/her contact
    7. Stay around positive people who have morals and will spur you into good works – bible teaching churches, friends with morals…

    God help us all.

  37. Browngyrl

    February 11, 2014 at 4:44 am

    It’s funny my friend and I were discussing Being Mary Jane the other day. We both came to same conclusion her character is so much like Olivia Pope, whose character I can’t stand either. I don’t feel sorry for her character, and Fitz gets on my freaking nerves with all that i love you BS. Abeg, park well. I roll my eyes when they show their love scenes. Olivia and Mary are just glamorized side chicks. Last week’s episode was funny, when Mary Jane said if her hubby was cheating, she’ll up her sex game…i was like wow, such shallow thinking……..disliking the show with each new episode

  38. Ij

    February 11, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Ogbeni, is it my eyes or is everyone on thus page saying that they are sleeping with anyone’s husband. I hope it’s the same set of commenters that are on all the other blogs oo if not Naija is in trouble.

    • Deeee

      February 12, 2014 at 11:37 am

      LMAOO! You spoke my mind o. Some that are not sleeping with them have slept with them and are done. Nne, i’m not one of them o. i’m so old fashioned. No sex before marriage. God help me

  39. Me Full Ground

    February 13, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    @Let Talk about Solutions, God bless you real good. More grace to speak and stand by the truth in this so called depraved world. Lets continue to pray to God for help in our personal struggles with sin and everyone who is struggling and desirous to be free from the power and bondage of sin.

  40. itsjustdwaylifeis

    February 14, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    I don’t think that most women delibrately set out to become side chicks. I met a guy 3 years ago who told me that he had a child “with a friend in his own words. Probed a bit deeper and found out that he was married. Over the course of the last 2 yrs plus, he claimed that he was permanently seperated and was pursuing his divorce/ a church annulment. All this while his wife was schooling abroad. Thank goodness for my brothers who I kept in the loop as events unfolded. I then insisted that he tells me the court that he filed papers at and he claimedi didn’t trust him.that ended the relationship. Mind you this guy claims to be a devout Catholic who goes to mass daily and has a pic of the virgin mary as his dp on bbm and whatsapp. That was one of the key things that got me attracted as I shared same faith. The guy called and texted everyday and travelled to lagos a couple of times to see me before i moved out of the country. Let’s all just pray that guys with evil intentions don’t cross our paths as they have no conscience whatsoever.

  41. Amh

    April 11, 2014 at 4:30 am

    Sidechicks will always be sidechicks. At the lady with the low self esteem, may your future hubby meet a girl like you. And may you meet a perfect lying, cheating, pretensious,, deceptive wonderful guy like your married boyfriend. To the nigerian mary jane, you. Are simply deceiving yourself just forget the guy you snatched and move on. He loves his girlfriend and will marry her.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Tangerine Africa

Star Features

css.php