Diary Entry: Feb 14th
I love Valentine’s Day. I love how pretty it is and how much activity there seems to be in the name of love. I have nothing against it all…after all, I am an expectant participant. That is why I hate you. I hate you because just because the date is Feb. 14th, I expect you to show me affection more than most days of the year. I hate the day because it forces me to ignore the unresolved issues we are facing so that we can just get along really well for one day. Will I feel alone in my heart the next morning as I have felt for months now? Will the doubts I have about our relationship return by the evening of Feb 15th. Will this euphoria carry me till Feb 14th of next year?
I hate you because everyone else seems so sure of what love means for them. I hate you. I hate you because our relationship status is “complicated” and yet we will spend time on Valentine’s Day and trade affection no because I am really sure of you but because I’d rather be with you than be alone. I hate you because as much as I claim to not be moved by Valentine’s Day, I love to be loved and I am willing to put up with some things to get that loving.
I hate you because V-Day makes me feel a bit of pressure…not because I don’t care about you but because I feel like I’m on a deadline to produce a love report…to deliver a monumental performance.
I hate you because it’s supposed to be a day we express love for and to “each other” but I seem to have more pressure about getting you the right gift, or planning a great dinner more than you do. I hate the fact that as a man, my expression of love to you seems more important to you, than your own expression of love to me. I’d like to feel special too. Maybe that IS too much to ask for.
I hate the fact that as a woman who has done nothing but give myself to you, you need a special day on the calendar to treat me in a special way.
Thanks for the flowers that will make my girlfriends jealous…thanks for the new watch to show off to my boys. Those things are great but you want to know what I really want for Valentine’s Day?
I want to know.
As a woman I want to know where we stand. I want to know that soon…even if not on Valentine’s Day, I will know where we stand…where we are going. I want to know that we are “together” not just as a relationship status but that we are indeed …together. I NEED to know that I possibly have a place in your tomorrow …not just tomorrow, Valentine’s Day but TOMORROW.
I want to know. As a man I want to know that indeed these “things” that I am expected to buy and do are indeed in their rightful place: As extras…I want to know that those things don’t determine or validate our relationship or your desire to be with me. I want to know that even without these things, you’ll be right here, ready to focus on building a life together…that you’re able to financially, emotionally and spiritually tough it out if we need to. That’s how I am able to dream big and take the necessary risks to get there. Knowing that you can handle the ups and downs gives me the confidence to purse the success that you say I have the potential to achieve.
As a man, I want more than anything to be able to tell you for sure where we are going but without being rushed or pressured into that conversation just because the date is Feb 14th.
As a woman, I want more than anything for you to be sure of what you want and for me to see it in your eyes when you look at me…to know that the life expectancy of our relationship far exceeds that of those beautiful flowers.
I hate you because this would be a perfect day to take our relationship to the next level and I don’t think you are going to man up and do it.
I hate you because you even define my manhood by what I do or don’t do on Valentine’s Day.
I hate you because you expect me to have sex with you on Valentine’s Day, because you got me these nice gifts.
I hate you because you expect me to make a commitment to you because the date is deemed special. I hate you because the symbolism of the day seems to be more important than the relationship itself.
But I love you…you this man….I love you because while our relationship is not perfect, it exists…and you are here…complicated…but here. You haven’t run away or totally given up.
And I love you…you this woman….I love you because all you want is to be loved and your frustration is not just because you want to be loved but that you want to be loved by ME. You offer me the honorable role of the custodian of your heart.
And you…yes you in the mirror. I love you the most. I mean that. I love you because no matter what happens today, you are special and no one else other than you and I get to determine that. I KNOW you and you’re one of God’s gifts to the world. I know that you deserve to be loved and you deserve the best out of life. More importantly, we both know that we are worthy of love in its TRUE sense…not just in the sense of the frenzy of Valentine’s Day and thank Goodness…we have each other.
As we look at each other through this mirror, we know that no matter what happens on Feb 14th…no matter what “other” people feel or do for us on Feb 14th, we love each other….and that’s the most important thing.
So from YOU TO HIM, HIM TO YOU, YOU TO HER, HER to YOU, and YOU to YOU…Happy Valentine’s Day.
Photo Credit: africardv.com
Tobi Atte is the writer behind www.ijustmetme.com – For more on relationships, motivation, personal improvement and more, Like the IJUSTMETME facebook page, subscribe on Youtube and visit the website. Be careful though… You might get addicted.