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Tobi Atte: Love, Hate & Valentine’s Day



I’d like to give you a glimpse into the intersection of HIS and HER Valentine’s Day diary. It is probably what he or she might really want to tell you, and how complicated the emotions sometimes are.

Diary Entry: Feb 14th
I love Valentine’s Day. I love how pretty it is and how much activity there seems to be in the name of love. I have nothing against it all…after all, I am an expectant participant. That is why I hate you. I hate you because just because the date is Feb. 14th, I expect you to show me affection more than most days of the year. I hate the day because it forces me to ignore the unresolved issues we are facing so that we can just get along really well for one day. Will I feel alone in my heart the next morning as I have felt for months now? Will the doubts I have about our relationship return by the evening of Feb 15th. Will this euphoria carry me till Feb 14th of next year?

I hate you because everyone else seems so sure of what love means for them. I hate you. I hate you because our relationship status is “complicated” and yet we will spend time on Valentine’s Day and trade affection no because I am really sure of you but because I’d rather be with you than be alone. I hate you because as much as I claim to not be moved by Valentine’s Day, I love to be loved and I am willing to put up with some things to get that loving.

I hate you because V-Day makes me feel a bit of pressure…not because I don’t care about you but because I feel like I’m on a deadline to produce a love report…to deliver a monumental performance.

I hate you because it’s supposed to be a day we express love for and to “each other” but I seem to have more pressure about getting you the right gift, or planning a great dinner more than you do. I hate the fact that as a man, my expression of love to you seems more important to you, than your own expression of love to me. I’d like to feel special too. Maybe that IS too much to ask for.

I hate the fact that as a woman who has done nothing but give myself to you, you need a special day on the calendar to treat me in a special way.

Thanks for the flowers that will make my girlfriends jealous…thanks for the new watch to show off to my boys. Those things are great but you want to know what I really want for Valentine’s Day?

I want to know.

As a woman I want to know where we stand. I want to know that soon…even if not on Valentine’s Day, I will know where we stand…where we are going. I want to know that we are “together” not just as a relationship status but that we are indeed …together. I NEED to know that I possibly have a place in your tomorrow …not just tomorrow, Valentine’s Day but TOMORROW.

I want to know. As a man I want to know that indeed these “things” that I am expected to buy and do are indeed in their rightful place: As extras…I want to know that those things don’t determine or validate our relationship or your desire to be with me. I want to know that even without these things, you’ll be right here, ready to focus on building a life together…that you’re able to financially, emotionally and  spiritually tough it out if we need to. That’s how I am able to dream big and take the necessary risks to get there. Knowing that you can handle the ups and downs gives me the confidence to purse the success that you say I have the potential to achieve.

As a man, I want more than anything to be able to tell you for sure where we are going but without being rushed or pressured into that conversation just because the date is Feb 14th.

As a woman, I want more than anything for you to be sure of what you want and for me to see it in your eyes when you look at me…to know that the life expectancy of our relationship far exceeds that of those beautiful flowers.

I hate you because this would be a perfect day to take our relationship to the next level and I don’t think you are going to man up and do it.

I hate you because you even define my manhood by what I do or don’t do on Valentine’s Day.

I hate you because you expect me to have sex with you on Valentine’s Day, because you got me these nice gifts.

I hate you because you expect me to make a commitment to you because the date is deemed special. I hate you because the symbolism of the day seems to be more important than the relationship itself.

But I love you…you this man….I love you because while our relationship is not perfect, it exists…and you are here…complicated…but here. You haven’t run away or totally given up.

And I love you…you this woman….I love you because all you want is to be loved and your frustration is not just because you want to be loved but that you want to be loved by ME. You offer me the honorable role of the custodian of your heart.

And you…yes you in the mirror. I love you the most. I mean that. I love you because no matter what happens today, you are special and no one else other than you and I get to determine that. I KNOW you and you’re one of God’s gifts to the world. I know that you deserve to be loved and you deserve the best out of life. More importantly, we both know that we are worthy of love in its TRUE sense…not just in the sense of the frenzy of Valentine’s Day and thank Goodness…we have each other.

As we look at each other through this mirror, we know that no matter what happens on Feb 14th…no matter what “other” people feel or do for us on Feb 14th, we love each other….and that’s the most important thing.

So from YOU TO HIM, HIM TO YOU, YOU TO HER, HER to YOU, and YOU to YOU…Happy Valentine’s Day.

Photo Credit:

Tobi Atte is the writer behind – For more on relationships, motivation, personal improvement and more, Like the IJUSTMETME facebook page, subscribe on Youtube and visit the website. Be careful though… You might get addicted.

Tobi Atte is the author of (The FREE ebook) HOW TO ENSURE YOUR VALUES ARE ALIGNED-A GUIDE TO AVOIDING RELATIONSHIP FRUSTRATION (click to get a free copy) and  the writer behind  – For more on relationships, motivation, personal improvement and more, visit the website. Be careful though… You might get addicted. Also Like the IJUSTMETME facebook page, Subscribe on YouTube and Follow on Twitter He is also the President of The OTaB Group (a consulting firm) and Barnabian’s Cove Inc (A nonprofit organization) Read.Love.Share


  1. c'est moi

    February 13, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    🙂 nice. lovely read

  2. Vanessa

    February 13, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Well this does not apply to/for me. My partner and I do all the whoosy valentine things every other day. Buying gifts comes without occasions. Love notes are regular and steady. TLC is like “new every morning”. Tomorrow, I absolutely will catch my groove at home. Val or no val, the heart knows who it belongs to.

  3. mw

    February 13, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Love this write up, its rily wat goes on in our heart and its so hard to express sometimes..

  4. happychick

    February 13, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    yes baby to “TLC is like new every morning”its same here for me too, vals day shuldnt be the only day to show love and buy gifts. I believe couples should nourish themselves wiv love, affection and gifts all the time, shuldnt be left for jus one day in a year…biko dats all shades of wrong jare….btw happy vals day in advance cupcakes.

  5. frances

    February 13, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    Indeed,these are the thoughts of our minds.we hate him? But still want to be with him? We love him at same time even though he doesn’t give us the commitment we need…
    But seriously sha, why can’t we focus on more important things? Love yourself, enjoy singlehood, wait for the right one, he cometh. Rather than accepting sub-standard men/women cuz of valentine, the day will go by but the heart ache as a result of a bad relationship won’t pass by..
    Lovely writeup! Happy vals day..

  6. Ms_Oyinkansola

    February 13, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Thanks writer, just the way it is in my heart.

  7. Teris

    February 13, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    this was difficult to read. complicated sentences. inconsistent character-isation. would appreciate if the writer would edit and re-post.

    • SweetLikeShuga

      February 13, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      Walahi – You should have segregated the genders abeg…. audience readerbility should always be taken into consideration. Most of us at work! OK? LOL Couldnt be arsed to finish reading all of it… as interesting as they might have been.

  8. Bleed Blue

    February 13, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Okay…I get it. But why don’t we get these sort of hiccups when it comes to Fathers’ Day, Mothers’ Day, Children’s Day even? Why does Valentine’s Day get all this “don’t treat only one day as special” speech? Yet we are quite happy to treat these other days as special for our dads, mums and kids? Even where there are “unresolved issues” and complex relations between us and said family members?

    I don’t see the big deal really and don’t get me wrong I agree with Tobi that all the pressure from both parties as he described, is rather unnecessary. My point is from the angle where people castigate Val’s Day with hot fury. As in the thing is a wonder unto me…

    Yeah I agree that you should show love and be romantic every day and in every way. BUT I see nothing wrong with marking out one special day to go just that little bit extra. Just like we do for the other “special” days.

    • Dr. N

      February 13, 2014 at 8:17 pm

      Gbam! In fact chop knuckle

  9. Black tree

    February 13, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    I love your comment Bleed Blue. Spot on!

  10. Anon

    February 13, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    @bleed blue. i strongly agree with you.

  11. work in progress

    February 13, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    3yrs single in a row….. Yea am a work in progress.. first Valentines day i can strongly pass by and not feel bad or jealous. Cos am Single et Fabulous. Nice Write-up and am getting my self the best gift in the world cos i deserve it. Temiloluwa Ayobami Oyedamola from YOU to YOU…. Happy Valentines Day

    • Babe

      February 14, 2014 at 6:13 pm

      You just spoke my mind. As in I don’t feel bad or anything. This morning I typed special love notes to a few friends that mattered to me…My day is normal. Infact I dont want to hang out with anyone other than my bed. Tomorrow it will be Feb 15th! Lmao~

  12. Our Stories Inc.

    February 13, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    Love that he was able to express opposing thoughts from the different perspectives of a man and a woman, and successfully too if I might add. Good job Tobi! Keep up the good work. //

  13. JT

    February 14, 2014 at 5:21 am

    Nawa oooo St Valentine’s day will not kill person! What is really going on???? Tooo much messaging, stop feeding into the hype… its just another day!

    • TA

      February 14, 2014 at 8:20 am

      You can say that again and again and again and again. Thank you!

  14. Bevy Moses

    February 14, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    My hubby did most of the things mentioned above and l used to tell myself am the luckiest woman in the world. This article brought back lot of memories to me. I thank God while it lasted l was very happy cos it is a beautiful thing for one to be loved and cherish by ones hubby. Miss you loads and Rest in Peace my Love .

  15. Shane Fowler

    February 15, 2014 at 11:49 pm

    learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all.

  16. Theresa Doghor

    July 3, 2014 at 9:06 am

    That is cool.
    The things that take boldness to admit to ourselves
    I like the openness and the fluidity of the language.

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