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Aunty Bella: Miss Comfortable Abroad

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Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

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Dear Aunty Bella,

Happy Easter! I hope you get the chance to kick back and enjoy the season. I would love some advice on an issue that has been a headache for some time. I recently graduated from university abroad and after a very frustrating process found a short-term position in a little know but surprisingly large and established engineering company. The pay isn’t all that and it’ s not exactly in the field that I studied for but as someone who has minimal professional experience, I decided to take the position. Its been a few months now, and I have surprisingly enjoyed the experience. The company is incredibly laid back (no suits, no high-heels, if it’s a slow day, we might decide to leave early), I am learning more about a new growing industry, my bosses are sweethearts and I get to see the whole process behind the big projects undertaken for big-named clients. I have been given the option of a permanent better-paying position after my contract is up and even if I don’t take the offer, I’ve built a small group of contacts who have promised to keep mind for other positions over here.

My one concern though is my parents. I have technically not lived in Nigeria since 2007. Though i have moved around a lot, I have since settled down in my current city and feel incredibly comfortable here. Yes, I miss Lagos sometimes but honestly, I am more used to here. My health has gotten incredibly better since I have gotten here plus it’s not a hectic place to live. As someone who has struggled with high anxiety for a long time, this place has done me a world of good. However, since I have graduated, my parents have been hinting on me getting more education and moving back home, citing more opportunities. They feel there is no need to stay here and that once I am able to make myself more marketable , I should be able to find a job that allows me to live more comfortably here.

There’s also the husband issue. I am 23 and they have already started hinting heavily that I move back here and find a suitable one, as opposed to the oyinbo I am currently dating. Maybe I would have agreed a few years ago, but right now, I can’t imagine. I just don’t think I am suited to Lagos. I am a bit of an introvert and honestly, my idea of relaxing isn’t big parties or some shin-dig, it’s going to a library with a beautiful view, a walk in the park or exploring a new area/ culture in town. I like chill environments and do not need nor want un-necessary stress, like haggling with my mum for two hours about what I can wear to the grocery store because “this is lagos’, and ‘you cannot dress anyhow’.. . Even career wise, I know that a foreign degree is no longer a guaranteed avenue to a great job.

There’s also the issue of moving in with my parents; as much as I love them, I CANNOT imagine living with them again. I have thought of moving in with a family member or friends, who would not mind, but my parent would make big deal out of it and make everyone feel uncomfortable.

My childhood was a bit of a nightmare, on the outside we looked like a happy, successful, god-fearing household, all for show. My brother and I cannot look back at our childhood and early teenage years without getting depressed. We were pretty much emotionally and physically battered for the smallest thing (for example, getting slapped when I had my first asthma attack because I couldn’t get up and make breakfast), or just neglected (my mum would carry designer bags while I used tissue paper for pads). Also my parents fight almost constantly, I am tired of being the referee and the peace-maker in the house. I was so depressed when I lived there that almost every week i had a breakdown in school, my anxiety was crazy high and my self-esteem was so low that I hardly have any friends from the schools I went to while I lived in Naija. Even now when I visit, there are times when I wake up screaming and shaking up because of nightmares and stress (only happens when I go home, has never happened here). Since I left home, my relationship with my parents has improved slightly but honestly, even the sound of their voice makes me tense up. Even during my job search, my father would call me and scream at me for being selfish and only thinking about myself for taking too long to find a position.

As much as I am grateful to them for everything, I just can’t move back yet. I just want to figure out a way to tell them it’s not going to happen. I have told a few family members to help me talk to them but it always results in a screaming match where they end up cursing me for telling other people family secrets after which they try to cut out the person from our lives, which I don’t understand as their families are a) Christian, b) Have always treated my brother and I like their children c) They still conduct business with them. I would like to tell a pastor, but they are both senior pastors in the church, so I don’t even know how to bring it up.

Photo Credit: mjemagazine.com

46 Comments

  1. laide

    April 28, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Babes, I honestly can relate. I am also introverted and feel like Lagos would put too much pressure on me. The truth is Naija is not for everyone, especially after you have lived in a chilled environment that allows you to be you.

    I think you should have a video call with one of your parents who you are closer to, and have a heart to heart convo.

    • Gorgeous

      April 28, 2014 at 5:40 pm

      Its best you stand up to your parents for once and let them know how you feel. Tell them you are NOT coming home and that is final. Tell them about your childhood, the experience, and everything you have told us here. Let them deal with it, and the effects of what their actions did to you. Take that permanent position and do not look back.

    • Nahima

      April 28, 2014 at 9:34 pm

      Thank you jare! I actually wonder why she’s still asking when the answer is here in her face. I actually thought she was going to end with asking HOW she should tell them she wasn’t returning home.
      Madam, if you’re still worried about doing what’s right for you due to fear of your parents, then you should see a therapist. They have a deep hold on you, and that must stop from your side. You cannot control how awful they can be sometimes but you can definitely control your path in life.
      I say do what you must to make you sane and happy. They’ll be alright.
      And you become a better parent for your future children

  2. Thatgidigirl

    April 28, 2014 at 5:06 pm

    Hmmm I can totally relate with this my dear, especially the part about being the referee. I love them to bits but never moved back home after undregrad, I moved far away to Lagos with just one piece of luggage in 2008 and hustled my way and today i’m glad i did….they’re glad i did. First of, you are an adult and need to start acting like one. The bible says honour your father and your mother and you would give them that honour by firmly explaining why you don’t want to move back yet….if possible sugar coat the job you’re doing now and let them know that should/if you eventually decide to move back, your experience there would help you. You have to be articulate and make them see that you are sure of what you are doing ( my friend had to draw a pie chart etc and do a presentation to her folks before they left her alone…..for a while). As for the marriage matter, my mum is also of the opinion that there are no husbands in UK and i should return, i politely reminded her that i lived in nigeria for well over 20 years before i went back to uk to school and i did not the see any husband there. As for your oyinbo boyfriend, *gulp *side eye, my sister choose a hustle. Maybe they shouldn’t be aware of him just yet until you have settled this pending issue. Finally and most importantly talk to God about it, he would order your footsteps and ultimately he knows and sees all, plus the bible says the heart of a king is in God’s hands.

    • chijioke

      April 28, 2014 at 5:54 pm

      Your words reflects much wisdom, I therefore support your line of thinking 100%

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      April 28, 2014 at 10:11 pm

      Yup. Thou speaketh much wisdom on all fronts.

      @the writer, babe, you should really take advantage of this wonderful benefit of distance and speak honestly to your parents about your plans. Omit details about the young man but speak candidly about everything else. You sound like a sensible lass who has a grip on her life, don’t let fear (or parental intimidation… no offence but it is what it is) get the better of you.

    • Vickie

      April 29, 2014 at 10:33 am

      You have really sounded mature babes…. but I feel her more in the case of her parents being senior pastors (and having issues). that the worst thing that can happening to a child. because the know probably know the word more than you do, so u cant even think of preaching to them or correcting them or even talking to someone about it,(they will feel you want to kill their career….lol). its a tough world, so u just have to act wise and always pray.

    • Vickie

      April 29, 2014 at 10:36 am

      Vickie April 29, 2014 at 10:33 AM

      You have really sounded mature babes…. but I feel her more in the case of her parents being senior pastors (and having issues). that’s the worst thing that can happen to a child. because they probably know the word more than you do, so u cant even think of preaching to them or correcting them or even talking to someone about it,(they will feel you want to kill their career….lol). its a tough world, so u just have to act wise and always pray.

  3. Fashionista

    April 28, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    Please stay where you are, enjoy you new job and colleagues. Enjoy your relationship and DO NOT let ANYONE pressure you. I know it sounds clichéd but what matters is that you are happy. Believe me, I was in your shoes (pressured to move back) and I terribly regretted listening to my parents. As for marriage, at 23, that should be the farthest thing from your mind, please I beg you!

  4. TheresaO

    April 28, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    As an adult, you are no more obliged to your parents’ opinions which is not always right. They are human and prone to mistakes also. Besides you are not doing anything bad per se. Their views are based on their need to impress others and from selfishness. They are not really concerned about you, to be honest.

    I know the Bible says “Children obey your parents in the Lord…” but you must remember that God also tells us we will give account of our lives before HIM. That means you and only you, as an adult will be held accountable by God for the decisions you make. Your parents will not give the account on your behalf, you will. Besides that earlier text, refers to children who are dependent on their parents, not an adult like you.

    God speaks to us in different ways. The contrasts between life with your parents and life outside may just be HIS way of telling you not to move back to Nigeria. Nevertheless, pray about this situation, and if you are convinced it is the right thing to do (have peace in your heart) then go for it. If your parents do not agree, leave them to God. HE always knows how to convince people, if in doubt ask Pharaoh. :-). In the mean time, forgive them for the mistakes of the past, and love them from afar. All the best.

  5. corolla

    April 28, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Your happiness and well being is the most important thing.Please be very selfish and do what makes you happy!

  6. Berry Dakara

    April 28, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    Is this a trick question? I’m not really sure what you’re coming back for. Don’t come back because people are telling you too, whether they are your parents or best friends or pastors. You’re an adult and fully capable of making your own decisions. As someone who came back of my own free will, let me tell you that going back to live jn daddy and mummy’s house and losing your independence is not fun at all!

    Make the decision for yourself.

  7. Gbemi

    April 28, 2014 at 5:17 pm

    My dear, I am so glad for how far you have come and grown. I am really proud of you, first of all even with the way your parents treated you, you still consider their opinion (this is a good virtue). However at some point in life you need to make a decision for yourself and you don’t need to share your decision (which should be to stay where you are fulfilled) with them, because if it opposes what they want they will make you feel bad. And you also don’t need to ask people to speak with them because it will just infuriate them the more. What works is silence, when they say you must come back home just tell them “In God’s time”, when they say you must marry a nigerian, just tell them “God’s will be done”. The less information you give (especially about decisions you know they won’t like) the better it will be in the short term. In the meantime, LIVE LIVE LIVE your life to the full!, accept the job offer, date whoever trully loves and understand you, don’t be anxious, everything will work out fine! RELAX!

    • D

      April 28, 2014 at 5:41 pm

      If there was a like button I would like your comment Gbemi!!! I have come to learn when it comes to Nigerian parents use their own ammo against them(spirituality and religion). Short spiritual comments and yes the little they know the better. “in God’s time and God’s will be done” that’s priceless!!!

    • Atoke

      April 29, 2014 at 1:24 am

      Hahahahha @ spiritual ammo. Lol why are you guys spilling our secrets here now? Lol
      “God is faithful”. “It is well”. “Eyi t’o da ni Olorun ma shey”. Lolll Works like magic. Loll

    • www.ANEMISTYLE.com

      April 29, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      Amazing Ammo Can’t wait to try this!!!

    • Lolo

      April 29, 2014 at 5:16 pm

      Yup! Whenever they disturb me over marriage matter, I just say “Pray harder”, “Join me in praying”, “I know God will answer you people’s prayers”. Alter as necessary for your own family 😛

    • Tosin

      April 28, 2014 at 10:34 pm

      wallahi. lol. I totally do this prayer warrior thing. They don’t know whether to laugh or to kill me.

  8. Ibinabo

    April 28, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    When saying “yes” to others ensure you’re not saying |”no” to yourself.

    • Dr. N

      April 28, 2014 at 5:43 pm

      Very apt! Biko, she should stay back. I support moving back but imagine her case! Neglect, health concerns, etc. Please ignore them. drnsmusings.wordpress.com

  9. cici

    April 28, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    Wow i feel your pain. Besides respect and honor for your parents you have to do whatever makes you happy. they have lived their lives and have made decisions for themselves. it seems you have a private family and you need to respect that. so unfortunately you have to tell them as it is. at the end of they day they took you abroad to study and there was always the risk that you will in turn make it your home.

    All the best and remember you only live once 😀

  10. Troll

    April 28, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    Sweetheart, repeat after me “I will not come back!” There’s nothing as important as your own happiness, why would you trade that for depression. Pls, don’t let your parents pressure you and stop calling people to talk to them for you. Call your dad and tell him, I know it doesn’t look easy but once you say the words there’s no going back. So call them up, and tell them how you feel abeg, even if he shouts….well, na there e go end. But seriously, no matter what you do, put your happiness first….life’s too short.

  11. itsjustme

    April 28, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    its sounds like you fear your parents and you shouldn’t. You are an adult but on the other hand you are still their child -this means that you should be able to communicate with your parents and stand your grounds respectfully.

    This is your life and you are allowed to make mistakes, so you taking the risk on “missing opportunities” in nigeria is not a big deal especially when you are 23years old and gaining more professional experience. Its advisable that you directly tell your parents that you are (Not “want”) staying to work towards your dreams. Make sure you are able prove your rationalised decision.

    Also, you need to communicate further about your broken relationship with your parents

  12. iyke

    April 28, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    At 23, your are still pretty young to explore and rediscover who you are and where you are in life. Fact is that many people truly cannot handle the criticism and backlash that comes from taking a stance, having independent thought and walking your own path. That is fine….Nothing wrong in that. You have marshaled out all the reasons you are better off where you are at the moment, and believe me, they are valid, and so far, seem to be the only road that will lead YOU to the summit of YOUR Everest.
    At the end of the day, it is your happiness ( the most misunderstood…most powerful advantage we are given in life) that really matters … Provided you have the correct papers to live and work where you are, find your happiness and discover your fortune…another part of you! Should there be a time to come back home finally, you will be the one to take that decision.
    My suggestion: Just don’t be caught up in the material rat-race, for even if you win, you would still remain a rat. Step out, have an honest conversation with your family and follow your heart.
    Good luck!

  13. pynk

    April 28, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    My dear, please home is where the heart is. You need to have an honest conversation with your folks. Notice I didnt say detailed. Honest. If they wont listen to you, send it in email form and copy your brother. Let them understand the importance of your sanity. Let them know you love them within their capacity however toxicity isnt for you. No particular need to tell them about your white bf. Just keep dating him and when you both reach your next committment stage announce it to them and be firm about it. Only you understand your happiness and you have a right to be happy.
    I moved back to Lagos of my own freewill at 27 and I felt socially akward, my dad was my greatest crutch bcos he never pressured and he always encouraged us to strive for our own happiness first despite greater society’s activities. I dont go to lagos big parties and neither does my bf. We are happy goofing off indoors and having our own version of fun.

  14. www.ANEMISTYLE.com

    April 28, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    Gosh you sound like me a few years ago… Berry is right you have to make the decision yourself. I was in a similar position and then my father passed away, I was pressured and guilted to moving back home as my mom believed that will help her get over the loss. SHE WAS SO WRONG!

    The best decision I made was to to stay back in England amidst all that was going on( God Led me), I visited regularly though the guilt tripping made me regret it every time. I did marry an oyibo and my mom loves him, he even learnt some Okrika. Basically find out God’s will for your life and follow it to the latter!! Please please please don’t move back due to being pressured if you need some support feel free to contact me.

  15. Person

    April 28, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    You have to do whatever makes you happy. Parents are not always right. Put your self and your mental health first! You know your triggers (being with your family seems to be one), avoid the triggers at all costs for the sake of your sanity. That means you shouldn’t move back to Nigeria on your parents terms. Call up your Dad and tell him calmly you are not moving back. He may shout and scream, but you have to be firm in your decision. Of course, you should know that may be the end of any support you previously received from home, so be ready to stand completely on your own two feet. All the best!

  16. nene

    April 28, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    i have to agree and say lagos is not for you. you seem like a sensitive and calm person from the way you write. lagos is brutal for people like you and others will consider you a mugu because you are different from the lagos crowd. stay where you are as long as you’re happy. your parents have had their life and now it’s your turn to live your own life, if you make mistakes, it doesn’t matter, most parents have done worse than their kids. don’t feel guilty or bad about your decision. and as long as you have a job and you are not financially dependent on your parents, stay where you are, you are now a big girl and an adult. good luck.

  17. Faridah

    April 28, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    I’ll suggest pouring out your heart to both parents in an email. If you speak to them you most likely won’t get to say everything you want to say as they’ll interject and shout as before. So type a respectful but honest email to them and let them deal with it all.

    Pray about it all too; let God be at the centre of it all.

    Lastly, if you can please get a book (also available as an audio book) called ‘Changes that heal’ by Henry Cloud. I think it’ll help with the effects of many of the issues you faced in your childhood.

    All the best hon. x

  18. sparkleAdanna

    April 28, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    If they pressure u too much after u hv talked sense with them, change ur number and give them and yourself some space, that way u will live long before u die of heartache or BP dearie… Good luck

    • D'Mamma

      April 28, 2014 at 11:58 pm

      This may sound harsh but I totally agree with sparkleAdanna. No matter what happens don’t get pressured into what u don’t want to do.

  19. mims

    April 28, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    Oh wow! I can totally relate to this. Growing up in a similar home, I always thought I did not have a say. Grew up basically learning to speak to myself and no one else cos of the tension as home. Luckily I am close to my mother and she reasons with me and things are a lot different now anyway. But I would strongly advice you speak to your parents and move on with your life. Husbands are not only in Nigeria. You are in a calm environment and everything seems to be working out in your favour so remain there. It is never good for you to stay in such an unhealthy environment with parents screaming or yelling at each other around the house. You waking up at night due to nightmares is enough evidence. like Nene has said, if you make enough to sustain yourself, then stay put. They may well be upset but eventually, they will come around. So sorry really. and dont feel guilty. they lived their lives, live yours.

  20. whocares

    April 28, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    Lool. First world problems. lol. I am sorry, that was a terrible joke. I understand where you are coming from. I am 24, double degrees and I am getting the “where the man at” question almost fortnightly now. You need to stand up to your parents. They will probably say something about hooking you up with a better job in Nigeria, and you will make so much money if you worked for Mr so and so in his company.. Personally, I have always hated parental handouts, I am fiercely independent and desperately want to build my future my way , and it seems like you want to do the same.. You do you! Stand up to your parents, you have a job now, and you are starting to build your career. You need to be firm, yet polite when you talk to them. You need to talk to them. No email, no hiding behind the computer screen. Call and say what’s on your mind and what you want to do.. The outcome may be a bit dire (my mother didn’t support me when i decided to go for my masters, but I carried my bag and left home all the same. lol. ) It will be scary, but you will be better for it. Heck, it will improve the relationship between you and your parents, you will RELATE more, and it will stop being a one sided dictatorial thing…

  21. Easy n Gentle

    April 28, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    Picture this:

    If Nigeria didn’t ask for Independence, we’d still be ruled by the British. If Nigeria didn’t show at the time they could take care of themselves, the British wouldn’t have let go.

    It seems you have the taking care of yourself part locked down; and i once dated a pastor’s daughter and i have seen too well the pressure that comes with not wanting to let daddy down!!! But…

    You have to ask. If ask wont work, you have to demand. Maybe there would be a breakdown in relations for 6 months, as long as you have a job to cater for yourself, you’ll be fine. think bigger picture. You fight ONE major battle today to save you from fighting multiple ones tomorrow.

    Perhaps its easier for me to say this because i am Male, but, a lady’s got to do what a lady’s got to do.

    P.S. When you want to demand, if you decide to demand, your heart will race like crazy and you’d be scared, this is normal. Remember, bigger picture!!! One big battle to avoid many smaller ones.

  22. Tosin

    April 28, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    Live where you want – Nigeria or wherever. It’s your life, and with globalization it’s all the same shi* anyway. If you can’t live with your parents then don’t. If you can’t live without them then visit but have an excuse like a hotel room or an out-of-town job so you don’t have to overdose on them and their love. Have fun!

  23. Bukola

    April 29, 2014 at 12:12 am

    My dear you have to follow your heart and do what makes you happy. No matter what you decide to do please never be rude to your parent.

  24. KWAKWACITY

    April 29, 2014 at 10:08 am

    I advice you stay put. I have issues uncountable from family to work, friends and relationship. I wish to relocate and spend time alone away from everyone and come back after years of finding my inner peace. so if I were in your shoes, dear I WONT COME BACK! do what is best for you, love your family but from a distance. putting yourself after everyone else will only lead to an unhappy life, I am currently in that position but earnestly looking for a way out!

  25. Stephanie

    April 29, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Pls stand up to your parents, you cannot continue living your life like that. The truth is even if you don’t stand up to them now, you would have to in the future. So it’s best you just do it now and secure your happiness. It’s your life not theirs.
    blogsvila.blogspot.com

  26. kome Olori Agulonu

    April 29, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    From all that you have written, it is clear that you don’t want to go back home. You enjoy your From all that you have written, it is clear that you don’t want to go back home. You enjoy your life and your job and that is what matters.
    At 23 you are a grown up and all your parents can do is advise you but they cannot force you to do anything. Plus you seem like you express your emotions and thoughts better in writing so I suggest that you write them a heartfelt letter/email. Instead of telling them how you feel, tell them what you think e.g. – thank them for raising you to be the strong person you are now, acknowledge their various concerns (better job, husband) but mention that you are enjoying your current job and that you see it as a stepping stone to a brighter future because of the experience you will gain. Finally ask them to keep praying that God’s will for you will come to pass.
    After you have sent the letter, avoid any verbal discussion or confrontation with them on this issue. Listen any time they bring it up but don’t argue. Just say you have heard and that you will think about it. (This method has worked for me many times)

    Finally. Please don’t let anybody scare or bully you with the idea that husbands are scarce in one part of the world. I don’t think they manufacture husbands in Nigeria. A good husband is a gift from God and not a function of where you live. It is true that everybody’s time is different but when your time comes, no power of hell will stand in your way.

    Be strong, be prayerful and keep smiling….

  27. B!

    April 29, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Everyone has given sound advice, but it seems that no one really wants to confront what I see as being the main issue. A lot of parents seem to forget that their children are people as well. Why would two senior pastors feel that what they do is good parenting? How did they even get to the stage of being senior pastors in the first place? Maybe I’ll sound like a radical to those reading this, but outright bullying and pressure on a grown woman plus the screaming and intimidation whenever she makes a decision… why?Add to the fact that she seems very traumatized by her childhood, it feels like emotional abuse to me.

  28. greenDiamond

    April 29, 2014 at 11:31 pm

    hey, i can relate to some extent moving back home is exhausting alone then living with your parent is just something else. Some people here are like you should speak to them and tell them you are not coming home, well i feel if your parent are the rigid type you know the ones that don’t feel your opinion matters and never really listen to what you have to say. my dear it best to just shrug it off and just tell them you will consider it because what will happen is they will take it to another level of argument to the point where you no longer can take it then break down you might even say things you may regret in other for that not to happen. always sound happy about your current position in life when you are talking to them and be like you are considering it but never let the conversation last find ways to caught it short till you can deal with the hold they have on you u seem to care a great deal about their opinion, but in order for you to be genuinely happy u need to reduce that to the minimum like i did and pray continuously draw close to God the things he can do for you u wouldn’t believe it yea even the small things you think don’t matter his ready and willing.

  29. Audrey

    May 1, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    I can relate. At 25, I decided to move out of my parents. They were mad, they won’t let me. Why? I needed to wait for a man to come and carry me out of my Father’s house first. My mom even threatened that if I left, She’d have nothing to do with my preparations towards marriage, whenever I was ready. Eventually, I stayed back. I’m 30 now and I regret my decision everyday. Stand up to them! they’re your parents yes but they’re not always right. oh, my Dad’s a Pastor too.

  30. Anonymous

    May 2, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    Hey dear, i totally understand ur situation. i think alot of us that live outside Nigeria at some point get to a stage where we begin to question certain parts of our experiences and begin to make a new pathway for oursleves. To be honest it is hard. Naija is not for everyone esp lagos. my dear follow your heart and pray. pray that God will make a way that you do not have to go back and that he will do it in such a way that your parents will not even be able to say no. but in the mean time tell them u have heard and u appreciate their concern to move back and you are putting it in prayer. i do not think they will argue with u if u say u are praying about it, that should give u some breathing space. but also babes have an incase back up plan just if u go to naija. i would love to tell u to talk it out with ur parents and all but u have to be careful because u know how naija parents be na they never forget anything and they can hold it and remind u of it in the future, so be patient, be polite, know what makes u happy and find a way in to keep it without ruffling too many feathers. my dear u have to be tactical, meet them at a level they understand and thats with respect but also be so sure of urself that just incase things get out of hand (and it maynot be ur fault) u do not feel bad or intimidated. best of luck dear!

  31. Technicallynigerian

    May 3, 2014 at 7:36 am

    Ah like many people have already commented…this is a very common story..talk about story of my life lol. The honest truth is that growing up in such an environment is unhealthy and it causes serious internal damage, yet it has become a normal phenomenon in Nigeria. That part of the bible that says ” respect your father and mother” is always reiterated, but the following verse that equally calls parents themselves to action is always ignored (Eph. 6:4). Religion has become the blanket of abnormal behavior in many Nigerian homes. My sister I can very well relate to that trauma you experienced growing up. What we looked like was not what we really were! The worst is trying to explain my childhood experience and how it has affected/affects me to other people; they dont get it ooo. Anyway, I thank God for you that you are this point in your life that you can even define the problem. I pray for you to have the courage to lovingly come out to your parents, explaining your whole childhood(and yes it seems weird to be explaining it to your own parents, but they dont be knowing oo) and most importantly find peace and confidence to stand by your decisions. As scary as it was, I did it and I can tell you it was a difficult time for me. I got even more depressed after sharing it too, but my hope and prayer was for a better relationship with my mom. It took a few years, but it was worth it. Our relationship has gotten better and it can get even better. All the best sister!

  32. Lysa

    May 16, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    I also have a story to tell. How do I bring it on here

  33. Delightful

    May 20, 2014 at 9:30 am

    I can totally relate your story dear, at 27 i still have my parents pressuring me to come back home from the UK (where I have a job I love and enjoy very much)and get a good job in Nigeria.. I pray daily for Gods guidance and clarity and I know when the time is right I would move back home (in Gods’ time) and not under pressure. I would advise you to pray and ask God for wisdom on how to handle your parents. Good-luck!

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