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Reuben Abati: Who released, killed and ate our Lion?

BellaNaija.com

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dreamstime_s_49185942“Did they send you your own share of the bush meat?”
“Bush meat?”
“The lion in the zoo that became bush meat in Jos”
“What’s my own inside? I don’t know any zoo worker in Jos and how could a lion that was allowed out of its cage and got shot end up in my stomach. The kind of things you say sometimes.”
“That means you have not been following the story.”
“It is an animal tale”
“Created, concocted and delivered by animals in human skin, working in animal kingdom, telling us animal tales. What surprises me is the fact that there has been no public uproar, no outrage.”
“People are too busy thinking of how to survive as human beings, how to fight the current nationwide epidemic of empty pockets and stomachs, and survive the change in their lives.”
“But when a similar incident occurred at the Hwange National Park in Zimbabwe, there was serious outrage all over the world. Dr. Palmer, the American who killed the lion was the target of abuse and attacks. He even had to shut down his dental office. There were calls for his prosecution.”

“I know. In our case, the international community is indifferent. It is as if nothing has happened. A lion was killed in Zimbabwe; there was protest. A few days ago in Kenya, two Maasai herdsmen were charged for poisoning a lion. A lion is killed in Nigeria, not a whimper. “
“The truth is that the rest of the world is convinced that Nigeria itself is a zoo. Boko Haram is slaughtering thousands of human beings, girls are being abducted in hundreds, women are being raped, voters are getting killed in Kogi and Bayelsa. With such evils against humanity, why should anyone worry about a Nigerian lion being shot and ending up in the zoo of stomachs?”
“The zoo of stomachs”

“Look, I can swear that if you open some people’s stomachs in this country, what you will find is a zoo: lions, grasshoppers, horses, cats, rats, snakes, dogs, rabbits, antelopes, crocodiles, birds, elephants, extinct animals, disappearing species, anything that can serve the gut, and ginger the taste buds. That is why we can never successfully run a zoo, or a Games Reserve.”
“See, the situation in Zimbabwe with Cecil, the lion is no different. In Zimbabwe, the zoo guides deliberately released the lion and Dr. Palmer laid siege and gunned down the lion, and beheaded it. In Jos, their explanation is that the lion slipped out of its cage when it was being fed breakfast.”

“Lying liars. Fibbing fibbers.”
“They made it sound as if the lion was living in a room and parlour and he just moved from the room to the parlour, to the verandah and to the streets. It is a zoo, for Heaven’s sake and there are standards and best practices!.”
“How will they know what the best practice is, when they don’t even know the age of the lion? The manager of the zoo says the lion has been there since 1972. A 43-year old lion, and yet there is no established protocol for managing it.”
“There is no 43-year old lion anywhere in the world. That is a lie. They don’t have records. They don’t keep records.”
“The lion doesn’t even have a name. In Zimbabwe, and Kenya, they name their lions.”
“That is not a problem. We can give the lion a name, right now. What is the name of the state Governor?”
“Simon Lalong. What about him?”

“Good. Simon, the lion. How about that?”
“Ha. The man is still alive oh. And of what use is a name to a lion that is dead, skinned, cut into bits and pieces, taken home to the cooking pots, eaten, digested, and washed down with whatever the animals eating animal meat deemed fit.”
“The very reason the Governor should order a serious investigation. Who released the lion? And why? Who killed it, skinned it? And who took part in the Feast of the Lion? For all you know, the zoo-keeper deliberately released the lion. He may have been commissioned to do so, by herbalists, who I hear value the body parts of a lion. In that kind of world, the teeth of a lion, the paws, the skin, the ears, all of this can be used by ritualists to give a human being, lion-like powers.”
“Blood of Jesus!”

“Did you not see how the killers posed with the lion for photograph, drooling from the mouth, salivating, looking hungry?
“They made it seem as if the lion was a jailbird who escaped, and resisting arrest, they shot it, instead of tranquilizing it. And they turned the zoo into an abattoir!”

“All the characters involved should be investigated and sacked. Otherwise, tomorrow, they will release a rabbit and gun it down, next tomorrow, an antelope will also break jail, and it will be shot, to be followed by a snake, all getting shot and ending up in people’s pots as bush meat.”

“That is why we can’t run a proper zoo, games reserve or a tourism programme. We talk about climate change and the environment but we don’t know that animals are important to the ecosystem. Sad.”
“Have you not heard of the lion that the Saraki Senate has also let loose?”
“A zoo in the Senate? I don’t get it.”
“They have just released one lion called Social Media Bill.”
“You mean the Frivolous Petitions Prohibition Bill”
“The law seeks to gag the social media. It says you can’t even complain on your what’s app, email, twitter, BB or blog and if you say something that is frivolous, you can go to jail or pay a fine.”
“That is an assault on the fundamental right to free speech; a dangerous lion that should be tranquilized!”
“They don’t have tranquilizer in Jos zoo or any other zoo in Nigeria, is it in the Senate that they will have it? Look, some activists have decided to organize their own public hearings and shoot down this particular lion.”
“Let’s go there then. Let the shooting shooters, the gunning gunners, the writing writers, the protesting protesters, the marching marchers, the shouting shouters, the fighting fighters, the petitioning petitioners, the blogging bloggers and the tweeting children of anger have their own public hearing. That’s democracy.”

“You left out the Wailing Wailers”
“They too. I think this is the type of lion that Nigerians should kill, not Simon.”
“I like your passion. But there was a protest in Abuja on Tuesday. I didn’t see you joining them?”
“Hen. Hen. You want them to mistake me for a lion that escaped and shoot me, abi? You don’t know that to be an activist, you must also be wise, and protect your stomach from bullets.”
“I thought you were bullet-proof. And you need not be afraid, anyway. The Senate has made it clear that it is acting in the public interest and that its members are not opposed to free speech. Just a simple matter.”
“Please! My fear is that they are all shooting already and because they are yet to hit target, there are stray bullets flying all around, respecting nobody. You go and ask Dino.”
“Which of the Dinos? Dino 1, Dino 2, Dino 3 or Dino $1,000?”
“I don’t know. But the people in Aso Rock have been smart enough to duck. They are now talking about free speech. Free speech. Free speech! Thank God oh, for free speech!”
“Not in Bayelsa at this time, though. Or in Kogi, where people are suspicious of tomorrow.”
“Why not in Bayelsa? I saw the people insisting that they should be allowed to choose their Governor. Too much violence in that election.”
“I hear Countriman has declared that he’s not going to die and that the election will be concluded.”

“Who is so-called?”
“Dickson”
“Ha, Dickson na Ijebu Ode boy oh. Him no ready to die. Bobo no go die, afi to ba di Governor. Bobo!”
“But INEC says the Bayelsa election is inconclusive.”
“This new INEC should just be renamed Inconclusive National Electoral Commission (INEC). If they take weeks to conduct elections in eight local governments, with less than one million voters, if they have to run a nationwide election, then the entire country will be declared inconclusive. Where is Jega by the way? They need him as a Consultant.”
“Why? Let him enjoy his retirement, I beg.”
“Why not?”
“It is called change, my brother.”
“But not in Kogi where I hear the Deputy-Governor elect is swearing that if he is not allowed to inherit the Audu-Faleke undeclared victory, he will not show up to be sworn in as a Deputy Governor on January 27, 2016.”
“He doesn’t want to be Deputy Governor again?”
“He says he cannot betray former Governor Abubakar Audu.”
“Ha. Inconclusive matter! I think we should declare 2015 our year of inconclusiveness. 2015: Nigeria’s Inconclusive Year. How about that?
“Nigeria’s Year of Inconclusivity.”

“Two weeks to Christmas, see how people are looking sad. Some people this year will just pretend that there is no Christmas, Christmas having been declared inconclusive! Even prostitutes have reduced their charging rates; everybody is looking for survival, and anything is fair game, be it a live lion, or the people’s rights or what is that famous blogger’s favourite word again? Yes, eggplant. As Douglas Adams said: to summarize the summary of a summary, people are a problem.”
“Tell me more about these prostitutes and their current rate cards.”
“No be me and you. You go and find out. You see, you are part of the problem.”
“That includes you too, I beg. You always talk about change; now you have it, and you don’t want to talk about it. My friend, don’t complain. Go and sit down.”
“Change?”
“Change is the necessity of history”
“You know the truth?”
“What?”
“Things do not change, we do.” Henry David Thoreau.”
“I don’t know him. You know what? Stop quoting dead people.”

Photo Credit: © Maggymeyer

36 Comments

  1. Segi

    December 11, 2015 at 9:13 am

    He had all these knowledge and satirical truth, yet stayed amidst so much rot. Sir, a good name is way better than silver or gold. I just regard your articles as hypocritical with a chuckle.

    • Dami

      December 11, 2015 at 1:51 pm

      @segi

      And if you were in the same position, you would have done the same or even worse.
      He’s a brilliant writer. I enjoy reading his articles, keep it coming.

    • Smh

      December 13, 2015 at 7:21 am

      She would have done the same because you think she has the same shallow values as you, right?

    • Lagosgirl

      December 11, 2015 at 2:03 pm

      Our junketeer in chief continues his tour around the world….
      PMB visit to Benin Republic for a burial is a strategic move to build bilateral relations…Lai Mohammed…SMH

    • SB

      December 14, 2015 at 12:28 pm

      he who has no sin should cast the first stone. he served an administration to the best of his knowledge, go ask Layi Mohammed how he is doing now.

  2. Anonymous

    December 11, 2015 at 9:14 am

    This is so funny. Yet so so sad. This really captures what Nigeria has found itself in. Simon the lion, haha. The year of inconclusivity, change indeed! Nigerians should be prepared by now for the very very very rough ride of the next three years.

  3. word

    December 11, 2015 at 9:15 am

    Brilliant writer is Reuben Abati. I might not like him but I respect him. On a lighter note though, the pros that patrol Allen didn’t reduce price o instead dem increase self. I don’t patronise I was told. Lol

  4. anonymous

    December 11, 2015 at 9:27 am

    Looool. Laughed so hard. Simon the lion and the lion from the senate. WITTY!!

  5. Max

    December 11, 2015 at 9:28 am

    lovely,fantastic,thumbs Abati.

  6. Ada

    December 11, 2015 at 9:43 am

    Abati, so much brilliance gone to waste. A few months back you were writing Christian poetry in praise of Jonathan. Writing sappy lines that read ” The burden of a Leader (insert Jonathan’s picture) God knows what he is about”. Now you want to go back to contributing to intellectual discourse? No Sir, I am afraid you lost your credibility. It was lost everyday of every month and every year you learnt your intelligence to corrupt people unable to lead the Nation!

    • nene+

      December 11, 2015 at 10:25 am

      @ Ada and Segi Jonathans govt which Abati served is better than this lethargic government you sing it’s praise day and night. With Jonathan there was action, corruption was called corruption and steps where taken to curb it. Using our payment systems, BVN, Nuban nos etc. Not now that corruption is renamed ministers of transport, works and housing, governors, APC stalwarts , Jagaban, Turaki, reps ,senators etc and you worshippers are speechless!!

      With Abati and co at least govt was in motion, as opposed to the babbers chair Nigeria is squatting on! Revolving no movement! Can you compare the election? PDP lost in Osun, election was announced and we moved on, same in Edo, compare it to what you have now in Kogi and Bayelsa?.

      Back to the lion killed in Jos I almost wept, Nigerian kill whale, kill crocodile and sorts of wild animals scamble for its meat?? Why where those whale’s not treated and taken back to the ocean? Meat meat meat!!!!

      I am waiting to hear Buhari address the nation on global warming after his summit he recently travelled for but that won’t happen and as such the lion matter will be buried!

      The whale eaters succeeded in butchering two whale’s that it’s excreta could have helped diffused tons of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.

      The air has been hot, no trees. Mr Majekodumi has to have air time on channels TV to educate Nigerians. I have listened to him but I think he need more audience. Weldon sir. I stopped every one around me from killing ordinary frog, lizard as they assist regulate excess insects -mosquitos! Can you beat that?

    • Sheesh

      December 11, 2015 at 11:17 am

      SHUT IT Nene+ Just shut it.
      Your darling Jonathan was in power when crude oil was $100+ and yet wrecked the nation. Hypocrites like you only want to see the current government fail forgetting it will affect YOU and your family.

    • Tosin

      December 11, 2015 at 12:37 pm

      one word: pomo :-/
      my geckos are safe here. i thank them for cleaning up little bugs. really love the little buggers.

    • Steve

      December 11, 2015 at 1:28 pm

      “In Jonathan’s government, corruption was called corruption”. That weird moment when you realised you just goofed.. Cos you were in a hurry to make a point.

    • Ch

      December 11, 2015 at 2:34 pm

      “With Abati and co at least govt was in motion” – – Yea, the entire resources of the country was in motion to their stomach…afterall, it’s Meat meat meat!!!!

    • Darl

      December 11, 2015 at 3:24 pm

      Just shut up if there’s nothing reasonable you can utter. It takes only a shameless and inhumane person to still defend Jonathan’s government, considering the present mess the country has been plunged into. Have a heart at least, or go back to your cave, and stay there.

    • Olutt

      December 11, 2015 at 9:24 pm

      @nene, did you smell it?…… it’s the rot in your comment. More disheartening are the folks that love a comment laid with lies and bias..SMH. Why do i find it unsurprising this is coming from someone with that name? U said corruption during GEJ was labelled what it is, you mean stealing or ‘redirecting’ right? A GEJ-led government with $100 per barrel oil benchmark and an over blown cabine with nothing to show for it, no light, no refinery, depleted foreign reserve, boko haram persists and niger delta pple are not better off, do you know how much oil sells for now? it is $35.00, God help Nigeria and this government

  7. tope

    December 11, 2015 at 10:07 am

    Abati, we are actually busy thinking of how to survive as human beings, how to fight the current nationwide epidemic of empty pockets and stomachs, and survive the change in their lives.” caused by you and Jonathan whom you should have been giving good advise rather than praising to to highest heavens…I don’t blame you, you were eating the yam peels which must have been cut generously with some yam flesh. How come you have not made a single comment about the recent discoveries of this mind bogging monumental stealing that went on under your watch?….you better say something!

    • nene+

      December 11, 2015 at 11:57 am

      @ sheesh this information is free! Check the last time oil was sold at $100 per barrel! Google is your friend! Get your saints to work and stop making excuses! You knew the oil price before you came into power didn’t you? One day one excuse. So cos the oil price is low Nigeria should halt?

      GEJ already experienced low oil price hence they preached agriculture. So let me ask what is Audu Ogbe doing?

    • Sheesh

      December 11, 2015 at 4:41 pm

      Just LOOK at yourself. Jumping up and down like a paid lackey. I shake my head at you, seriously. Anyways, no point wasting saliva on you, you have decided the antagonistic direction you want to face. GOOD LUCK with it.

    • nene+

      December 11, 2015 at 1:54 pm

      Steve what are you saying? Please grab your glasses and reread!

  8. Nammy

    December 11, 2015 at 10:07 am

    First of all the lion was in the Jos wildlife Park games reserve not the zoo. Those are two different places so get ur facts right.
    Secondly naming the lion after the governor is so wrong, if the lion has been there since the 1970’s and was nameless then u should blame all the past governors as well as military administrators. Is it even part of the duties of a governor to ensure that animals had names?
    Lastly the lion shouldn’t have been killed, it should have been sedated and returned back to its cage but when the necessary equipments to carry that out was not available (which is not good enough) was it not sensible then to kill the lion and protect people from danger? The security operatives were only invited to do this, I agree it was dumb of them to snap pics where they posed with the dead lion but apart from that, they were only doing their job.
    Mr. Abati, respect is reciprocal, how would you feel if someone named an animal after you because of a mistake or perceived mistake that you made?

    • Bella

      December 11, 2015 at 11:12 am

      my dear ,there is no lion that can live since 1972. Ah ah, get YOUR Facts straight!

  9. Aseey15

    December 11, 2015 at 10:22 am

    Quite ridiculous. PMB ‘S regime is very boring in terms of masses welfare. I keep imagining the very first time i heard Students in my hostel raining abuses on this gentleman. As a student of Banking and Finance i a m very happy with his monetary policies and his struggles to block financial leakages in governance, yet my monthly welfare is very inconclusive.
    ” I DO HOPE THINGS WILL CHANGE IN THE SHORT RUN”

  10. Las

    December 11, 2015 at 10:22 am

    Is it me or is Reuben Abati like that really loved boyfriend/husband who walks out one rainy Sunday evening and moves in with his beau’s BFF, only for him to reappear 4 years later, bag in hand saying sh*t like “I got lost” or “I had amnesia” or “They just bundled me into a car and I didn’t have a choice” or “I am back, is there food in the house?”

    Bros – you owe all the people who really liked you a huge apology for all the misinformation you put out in the last administration.

  11. Bella

    December 11, 2015 at 11:08 am

    When they don’t even know the age of the lion? The manager of the zoo says the lion has been there since 1972. A 43-year old lion,.

    I died!! LOLLEST

  12. Sheesh

    December 11, 2015 at 11:18 am

    I didn’t bother reading because I have lost ALL respect for this guy. I remember the days of Patito’s gang et al. This Abati is just a huge big disappointment and let down. Mister go and rest, we are not interested.

  13. Mz Titilitious

    December 11, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    all this because of a Lion?

  14. Rukee

    December 11, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    Nigerian youths who can never discuss issues objectively! Some ignoramus pointing fingers @ dis man got into universities via exam mal practices in waec and jamb! U remember [email protected] stuff about he without sin casting d first stone! Yes tht too is corruption it starts with u and me! Those of u criticising him if u were employed in his position what would u have done? Resign? such a well paying job bcos u done agree with d principles of d person in power? Talk really is cheap…some of u not only partake in corruption/malpratices in ur offices/schools/community… But u enjoy working in such environments even if ur bosses threat u like slaves!
    What i expected from d comments where objective analysis of d write up and d situation of d country! D buhari u all hail was challenged by ibb to proove his hands were clean during his time in ptdf…how about fashola d overated gov and d bore holes he dug fr abot 400milion! Lets not talk about amaechi and wu has never takin a bribe in his life…yet d monorail in ph is no where to be found! Lets no talk about d former pdp thieves like atiku and d rest who are now members of apc… Lets blame it all on jonathan! Even obj who killed dsc and did nothing tangible durin his tenure, calls gej corrupt!.
    I pity nigerian youths! If we cant call a spade a spade and analysed issues objectively…then there is no future!
    D old man sits here doing nothing significant to move d nation forward…all he does is run after pass pdp members! Lets join hands with him and blame rueben abatti bcos he supported/worked for a different govt!

    • Las

      December 11, 2015 at 3:03 pm

      My dear, you are projecting.
      After reading your write-up, I have no doubt you got into university via exam malpractice (Of course, I am assuming you are a graduate). I kid, I kid 🙂 Maybe not.

      Listen Rukee, Reuben Abati had a reputation before he joined the last administration. Everyone knew him to be an objective writer, well-respected and authoritative. You could take his word to the bank. The issue we have with him is how could he have done a complete 360 because of money? You asked who would have left a well-paying job? Do you remember when NOI resigned during OBJ’s time and how everyone including lauded her for having the guts to resign? She believed she had a reputation to protect. What we are saying is we expected more from Mr. Abati because we loved/love him.

  15. tomeloma

    December 11, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    I have lost respect for this man and have no interest in what he writes.
    To think I used to idolize him just a few years ago and get on my dad’s nerves trying to read a Reben Abati article when he, the only of the paper, has not fully digested it yet.

  16. Moyo

    December 11, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    I remember how my colleagues and I use to analyse Reuben Abati’s articles, we will chase each other to get the Guardian first. A friend used to buy Guardian newspaper on Fridays because of Reuben’s article. After he took up the appointment with Jonathan’s government I was disappointed with his behaviour.Mscheew

  17. Glory N

    December 11, 2015 at 5:05 pm

    “i have lost respect” “I have lost respect”……….someone will think that Mr Abati uses your respect to eat Banga and starch or to fuel his car or pay his house rent. You’ve lost respect for a simple personal assistant that you did not elect but your respect quota for elected officials who designed websites for 78 million is filled to the brim. please stuff your “respects” in your bags, I’m not sure Mr Abati needs them. plus i wonder why you members of the RESPECT BRIGADE come back ALL THE TIME to not only read but to comment on his articles. Please leave his articles for those of us who respect him. thanks

  18. mabel

    December 11, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    @Gloria N your head de there my dear. As if they will take the ‘I respect’ to the bank. I remember that Cecil the Lion palava. See protests and noise every where. Our own Lion died and nothing. No protests. Westerners know the countries they send in this Africa sha. We will be visiting their countries everyday, pay them so much to come to our country for concerts, loving them up and down yet, arms they will not sell to us, common protest our own lion too for where. It’s so good loving somebody and somebody loves you back.

  19. Naomi

    December 11, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    Moyo and tomelina, Who your respect don help?

  20. Smh

    December 13, 2015 at 7:19 am

    Mabel, Glory N and co, shame on you guys for not understanding the importance of respect in a sane civilised society. Your types are the “anything goes” brigade. Shior

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