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Aunty Bella: Mrs. I’m Overworked & Hubby Complains About Everything I Do

BellaNaija.com

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African American Couple AngryThis is for Aunty Bella…

I am a working mum of 4, married to a upwardly mobile professional in the science and technology sector. I have been battling with an issue in my home for so long and I have tried all means I can to resolve it.

Nothing seems to work…

Actually, sometimes it looks like things are fine, but then, they aren’t, we are back at the same spot and its like running around in some crazy circle.

I dated hubby for 5 years and we have been married 7 years. Hubby is nice and kind – to everyone except me!
…or so I feel.

The issue is he complains about everything I do and nothing seems to ever be right.
Complains? No, he scolds me most times for any little issue and I have talked to him about this, so much I am beginning to sound like a broken record.
He’s a first child, grew up being so accustomed to ordering his siblings around, barking orders at them and scolding them. They grew up with MIL being away mostly and DIL died long ago too.

I realised this soon after we got married when I observed the relationship between him, his sibs and MIL whenever they were all together. Infact, he practically orders everyone around and can do nothing for himself! (household chores)

We both have long commutes from work, but I struggle to get back home early to attend to the children while he says he “prefers to wait for traffic to subside” and leaves the office by 9-10pm ish. I have a nanny who comes in during the week. He says he doesn’t want a (live-in) help who will live with us, he has tales of being abused as a child (by the female help who took charge while MIL was away) and he won’t even hear of this at all.

So my second problem aside the constant scolding is his inability and unwillingness to help with anything. Weekends, which are the time I am supposed to rest a bit are a nightmare for me as I am running from pillar to post trying to catch up with cooking for the week, housework and the kids while hubby throws up his feet reading the dailies or watching football. This has led to me resenting him and inevitably refusing sex.

Truth is, by the end of the day, I am so tired, bitter and resentful.  When I decide to talk to him about it, he says I am blackmailing him with the sex and I am using it as a weapon. He says he doesn’t know why I am complaining. He’s generous (to a fault), he’s faithful (totally), he’s a good man (so everybody says, including my parents and sibs). He is well placed and respected in church (everyone respects him in church) and he can’t understand why I am being bitter like this towards him.

I have tried to explain to him that all those things are not ministering to me, bought him a few books to read on love and its languages (he just won’t read them…he tries to, drops it after reading 2 pages, I give up!)…I have communicated so many times. He says he will try but he doesn’t and it seems like I am perpetually tired,cranky and generally unhappy.

I have made him realise he cant profess some “love” at night when he watches me all day working like a slave with the kids and housework. Help with anything, he turns up his nose and complains that why cant I just do whatever I can and allow him rest?

But the truth is the barest minimum is really a lot….you can imagine the life of a young mum working 8-6 with 4 children under 10.

He also frowns at involving a third party in our home affairs which puts me in a pretty difficult fix. I am at my wits’ end as I live a tired and constantly unhappy life while my partner doesn’t seem to understand why I am not happy as he says, I am married, have kids,have a good career and seem to have it all going for me.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

67 Comments

  1. femfem

    April 29, 2016 at 5:02 pm

    Madaaaam why are you suffering yourself. Ah ah. Get a maid that will come in and do all the housework whilst you handle the cooking and caring for the kids. Haba. There are agencies that you can get someone who will come in the morning and leave by 7pm even if it’s just the weekend.

    That will not solve all the problems but at least it will ease things. But if I were you I would continue to try to get him to parent his children. Helping with homework, teaching them things, taking them out etc.

    Since you know he won’t do the work , outsource it. That will definitely improve relations between you two and you will feel a lot less harrassed. 3qcd

    • slice

      April 29, 2016 at 7:18 pm

      He sd noooo to maid

      Come here let me tell u one small change trick. Fall sick. Small sick o. On the weekend. PMS , bad headache, whatever. When ur kids ask u for this or that quietly tell them to go ask daddy. For water, for TV, to play etc.

    • Sultana

      April 29, 2016 at 7:46 pm

      There’s a movie showing presently on African magic Yoruba *Oko nene* it typifies this your story. Only that she collapsed and had to be hospitalized leaving him with all the chores. The movie is still on going but pretty sure he’ll appreciate her better once he does housework for just one day

    • Drknite

      April 29, 2016 at 8:20 pm

      SMH

    • Tomi

      May 4, 2016 at 2:06 am

      Madam, stay prayerful and get him involved. Depending on a man’s background, he may need to be told. I’ll use myself as an example. I tell my son in hubby’s presence, daddy is going to help you with your home work today. When I bring school uniforms out, I tell hubby he’ll be helping us iron them. I can’t even frown or get bitter, no point, at the end of the day you are the one that will get stressed. May you never be hospitalized due to illness in Jesus name. I don’t know if your marriage is based on Biblical principles but you can’t be angry with your body, you will keep getting hurt. I remember the day hubby went out for prayer walk in the morning. He came back few minutes later and said the Holy Spirit told him to go back home to help me. Pray for him and ask God for wisdom to communicate in his language. Bitterness and complaints in your heart can grieve the Holy Spirit.Your issue is not even complicated, don’t open the door to infidelity. That is the worst and you don’t ever want to deal with it. Some women are wishing that house chores is all they have to deal with. Cleaning can be outsourced but if you keep saying you are tired and push him out, that one na real wahala. Second women don’t let go easily.

  2. Nene

    April 29, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    You need someone to help you in the house if your husband can’t help. Why is he refusing help when he sees how busy you are and he has no plans to help you? Get help madam before you die of high bp, and don’t have anymore children. When you noticed this early, you should’ve stopped at 1 or 2 kids. A lot of Nigerian men leave parenting for their wives and parenting is not easy at all. The best thing for your marriage is to get someone to help you.

    • Tina

      April 29, 2016 at 5:34 pm

      @ Nene, she should have stopped at 1-2 children?
      So if she desperately wanted 4 kids,she should have stopped at 1-2 because her husband refused to help with house chores ? Did she say the kids are the major problem or rather she was overwhelmed by everything? There’re less drastic ways to manage the situation like a live out helper, talking more to the husband or to do the best she can and leave the rest. There are single moms raising more kids beautifully and I know if she was in that situation she would have done it wonderfully, but the problem is that she’s not. She has a partner and deserves to have his help whether she has 0- 10 kids.
      We should mind the advice we give people sometimes

    • shakitibobo

      April 29, 2016 at 7:43 pm

      Yours (Advice) ain’t that logical neither madam.

    • Drknite

      April 29, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      If she is desperate for four children that’s fine, but kids are hard work and demands a lot of time and energy. I’m sure she noticed her husband’s lack of helpfulness, scorning after the first kid, so why will she continue popping them out. Maybe her five child will be the key that motives her husband to start helping to raise his children

    • naijabritish

      April 30, 2016 at 7:08 pm

      yes she should have had 1 or 2 kids . who plenty children epp. its very stressful to look after kids and having 4 with no help can give someone high bp. someone said some people are single mothers with more children. maybe those ones have enough support from family and if they dont na them send there self . we dont all have the same capabilities. this life is not to come and suffer and die for man

  3. Fola Coco

    April 29, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    It’s either you learn to live and deal with it or you both see a Marriage therapist/counselor (not your pastor oooo,a professional).Asap.
    If you dated him for 5years am sure you saw some, if not all of these traits and behaviors in him,he must have exhibited them..
    Maybe you also need to change your communication style.. Maybe leaving him with the 4kids and taking a trip(a woosa trip) may also open his eyes.. He needs to learn and see that you are not his slave,carer,younger sibling/employee. I think you also allowed him get away with a lot of things, in the early stage of your marriage,a lot of things you are complaining about now perhaps may have been corrected then.. Therapy is what can help,prayer is good,but there’s a place for prayer,there’s a place for therapy.. May God help you..

  4. Phoebe

    April 29, 2016 at 5:24 pm

    Just reading this made me so soo sad. I am not married yet, but I understand the crazy demands of work, home et al especially in a city like Eko.

    My dear remain strong, I advise you go on your knees and cry to God. Remember, “The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.” I pray the Lord grants you wisdom in handling this issue.

    Just to point out an observation; mothers of marriageable men in this generation goofed big time, you all raised men to feel and act like demi gods, ah ahn! Hopefully, the upcoming generation will get it right, I appeal to mothers of young growing children and potential mothers, raise your male offspring to be sensitive and helpful around the house!

    • Lucinda

      April 30, 2016 at 6:37 am

      Typical naija advice. Go on your knees in prayer. Will God come down and help with housework?

  5. Anne

    April 29, 2016 at 5:27 pm

    That you admitted his good qualities shows you are a good woman. I will keep you and your hubby in prayers. I think you are both good people struggling with the difficult reality of marriage.

    • ndi prayer warriors

      April 29, 2016 at 6:46 pm

      Typical Nigerian response: Always having pity on the man and ending in prayer. Has she not been praying since? Like people on Dr Muffins page always referring women to watch ‘War Room’ instead of saving themselves from unfortunate situations. As if the ones that get infected, overworked or beaten to death don’t pray. Please she’s asking for solutions not prayer points.

    • Never Satisfied

      April 30, 2016 at 1:29 am

      Typical BN reply always tryna fault opinions that don’t align with urs. She said she’ll pray 4 him.
      If u av a problem with that go and pray for her too nah and her children.

  6. Tosin

    April 29, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    sorry o. I can’t lie I chuckled quite a lot reading this. It is pretty funny when you think about it – one person running about like a headless chicken, the other person commenting like a ManU fan at a viewing center.
    one drastic measure you can take:
    take a holiday. leave him with the tiny little kids. if they die before you return, at least it’s their papa that killed them. but he’s a smart person, he’ll work something out. HE WILL. just five days to La Campagne Tropicana or something. this long weekend, though you can only get three days. and don’t be on the phone every hour helping him or anything. Chances are he’ll get more involved afterwards. Good luck. i’m serious. get drastic on him. tell him I said this is the way 🙂 that you’re this close to throwing his unhelpful butt out. lol. or that you’re at your wit’s end (it’s a lie but hey, if it works). imagine getting back to meet someone who has a better understanding of what it’s like to have babies 24/7 on top of life, football, meals, etc. NICE!

    many women love being superwoman anyhow. would rather do it all so that God will reward their holy souls later or whatever 🙂

    • Iyalode Og

      April 29, 2016 at 7:27 pm

      Laughed so hard at this. You are one funny purzzin Tosin ! Your comment Made sense o jare

    • FasholasLover

      April 29, 2016 at 9:14 pm

      I love your comment plenty. They will not die neither will they starve. Madam, yari for him big time. He obviously will not do civil. Force his hand get a cook, nanny and driver. Don’t come and go and die for nothing
      Afterall, he can afford it.

    • tamy

      April 29, 2016 at 10:48 pm

      Haaaa u just captured my imagination…

    • Ay

      May 14, 2016 at 11:52 am

      Vacation U Say! Do U think She has Savings for that! I Sincerely Doubt It! What She needs to Do is to Start Saving Seriously Cos Such Men Never Change! Am Sure He is No longer in Love, Maybe he was Looking for Someone to give him kids! There are men like that

  7. Naija dudes tho!!

    April 29, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    Nigerian “males” sha!!! Always one negative story or the other….Like it is so appalling!!
    The most selfish,self-centered,ego-laden bunch of men in the world.

    Like Kilode??????

    • Drknite

      April 29, 2016 at 8:33 pm

      I was just think the same thing about my cat.

    • OMO NAIJA

      May 3, 2016 at 3:00 am

      My Dear “Naija Dudes”: Your contribution is a typical example of what my University Lecturer would refer to as ” the Fallacy of Generalization”. You refuse to see any good Nigerian male. If all Nigerian males have the xter you portrayed above (I assume you are still single); then when it is time for you to marry, kindly relocate to Obodo Oyinbo (US, UK e.t.c.) & marry a fellow woman (Lesbo), because you so much hate men. Frm – OMO NAIJA

  8. Gigi's Column

    April 29, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    I do agree with the other comments above and having towed the line of being burnt at some some time in my life, i sought counsel on my knees and from the wisdom of elders (without bringing them in per say).

    Truth be told, its difficult in theses times balancing being a mum of young children, a wife and a career/working woman anywhere especially in Lagos (lol) but it can be done…with help.

    You don’t have to get a live in, outsource all the basic chores, get help with the shopping, cook enbulk and store away. You can also consider the option of getting a help that will work for longer so he/shes there to assist when you get back from work. It also helps to encourage your kids to share some basic chores if they can. My kids are under 10 but wash clothes in small quantities every week, bather themselves and each other and dress up with my assistance in choosing their clothes…its all part of their education. They have also started learning to help with prepping and making meals (actually i got encouraged when i watched Jnr Masterchef and the winner was a male 9 year-old who had cooked for the Queen of England by age 7).

    House cleaning and shopping tackled, get someone who can handle the laundry weekly (the washing machine angle is good but who will iron thereafter?). Better if the person who assists is multi-tasked and can do all of the above. Oh lest i forget, consider allowing the help you get prepare the kids school meals and place in the fridge the night before unless you truly believe u can do it early the next day alongside prepping the kids for school. Infact, consider getting help even when you do you cooking daily/weekly.

    So in summary, outsource as much as you can, involve the kids in chores, free yourself for the other kids task…their general welfare, homework (dad should chip in with homework since hes an upwardly mobile professional) and give yourself a break/treat once in a while.

    On making time for the Brus (Oga), well…i assume it will come naturally once you can de-stress!

  9. Nanoh

    April 29, 2016 at 5:45 pm

    I feel for you.
    The situation as pathetic as it sounds,isn’t entirely hopeless.
    First,check how you communicate to him? Do you nag or sulk? If yes,you may need to change your mode of communication. Having lived with him for 7years…you can tell his most sober moments. Times when he can listen to you. Then tell him how you feel without sounding confrontational.
    Then again,please get a help during the weekends too. Dont kill yourself.
    I am not a fan of bringing in third parties but if talking to him fails (which I hope not) look for someone he listens to preferably a family member to talk to him.
    Then sister,PRAY. Ask God to touch his heart to be more sensitive and helpful. That he be convicted of his selfishness. I believe in prayers

    And to the single ladies….These are red flags you should look out for. A man who is too domineeering,not answerable to anyone (not even his parents) ,who doesn’t believe in helping with chores ,who isn’t humble enough to listen….please from these type of men….Flee!??

    • ehizele

      April 29, 2016 at 6:54 pm

      Did you actually read what she wrote? The way you’re advising her, one would think that the person she should be so strategic and prayerful for is her father or lecturer that is witholding marks. A father cannot help in raising his own children but she should be meek and not confrontational so he wont be upset that they told him to do his job.. My husband is a good one by nature but also because there are certain things that should not be tolerated in marriage eg enduring bullying and neglect, Husband na God?

    • Nanoh

      April 29, 2016 at 7:47 pm

      Ehmn….hey ma’am
      There is plenty space on this page to air one’s opinion/suggestion. Go ahead and air yours. Don’t come and be forming vampire on my comment.
      See your reasoning? so if you can pray for your father or lecturer,one shouldn’t pray for the husband ?
      No you will rather she ‘fights’ him. If that approach has helped you in yours….Good for you.
      Not everyone is like you.
      Wisdom is profitable to direct.
      Madam warrior…hiss

  10. Rose

    April 29, 2016 at 5:49 pm

    Am not married but I have already made a decision not to kill myself untop housework matter…madam on Saturday get help to clean up ur house… If Oga say no then you but leave in the filth….For cooking Biko der are people that u can order from….u can mix it….cook stew and order soup….then put them inside ur bowl for the week all Na home made food…. For the kids tell papa ur going to the market on Saturday leave them with him and go get your facials and all the good stuff for yourself…. Biko u cannot fit die untop marriage matter….finish

    • Never marry

      April 30, 2016 at 1:36 am

      So which one will u nau do when u marry biko?

  11. Rrrrrrrr

    April 29, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    @Tosin I wish I can love your comment about thousand times.

  12. Ginger

    April 29, 2016 at 5:58 pm

    Our mums rarely gave us examples of how to demand more from the men in their lives (being cunning and emotional blackmail doesn’t count), now we want to and it’s not easy. But just hang in there and stand your ground, please do not take the emotional blackmail or playing games route. He’s good at emotional games with people and he will definitely outsmart you. Women should stop being afraid of their husbands, he’s your partner, not your demigod. Submission has nothing to do with fear or housework. Please try to talk to him and INSIST. Let him know you’re serious and that this is affecting you. If he wants you to be a housewife he should keep you home AND pay you the monthly salary you’re earning now. Also,let an adult and a professional know. If you travel and he reports you to your family or whoever, it will be a typical Nigerian situation of ‘he who reports first is right,’ and he’ll be the victim, not you.

  13. mrs chidukane

    April 29, 2016 at 6:02 pm

    Get someone to come in on weekends and help you. It could be an in law or a young school leaver from church. Collect money from your husband and pay the person. Also, put your kids to work, they’re old enough. How old are these children on master chef anyway? Let them clean their rooms and help out with the cooking under your supervision of course. let the older ones help the younger ones with their homework. If you don’t have one already, get a washing machine, it will help you a lot. As for your husband, stop denying him sex. You can just lie there and let him see you’re not enjoying it, it may prick his conscience but don’t drive him to temptation outside please. Stop picking up after him. Doing his laundry and any domestic chore you usually do for him. Just give him food,companionship and sex, let him sort himself out like you and your kids do. I hope all works out well for you.

    • beyyyyy

      April 29, 2016 at 7:27 pm

      so you see nothing wrong in 7,9 year olds doing chores, but the overgrown old man that just wants to eat and spread his seed nko? how will these men change when all we do is accommodate their excesses and build our lives around them…what about us? Who cares for us?

  14. Oj

    April 29, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Did someone say prayers????
    Nigerians eh

  15. Moomy

    April 29, 2016 at 6:07 pm

    Nawa!
    I have just one baby. Just one. And my head is already spinning like a carousel. here is someone with 4!??
    Omo!
    Please this is an aside note: please bellanigerians…plan your home. Just plan it. Ahead of time! You and your hubby (fiance even)PLAN!!
    What’s your working schedule? How many kids can you cope with? HOW WIll THE CHORES BE SHARED? Are you getting a help or not ?
    Sort these things before ‘scattering seeds’. Children are a lot of work. Sigh
    ….
    Dear writer,hang in there. You are a strong woman… I give it to you. But don’t kill yourself. Hubby has to help. He has to. If he cannot help ,then please get a help. Even during the weekends. Food…you can order from caterers and pack inside the freezer. Plan your menu.
    Do what you can and leave the rest.
    Get more than one help if possible (my mum had 4!)
    As for hubby,don’t bother nagging. Another style I suggest ,if he listens to sermons, there are messages from men of God who address men who don’t help with chores. Play it so he can hear and allow his conscience be pricked.
    Please don’t kill yourself !

  16. Hello

    April 29, 2016 at 6:09 pm

    Please discuss with him on the need to employ someone that will clean the house during the weekend and public holidays and also a lesson teacher to help with children homework. With that, you can maintain your sanity and have a positive outlook to life. Who knows, maybe by being radiant, your husband can see what he has been missing by leaving you to do all the household work for seven years.

  17. Junie

    April 29, 2016 at 6:13 pm

    The real question is how does a woman have 4 kids under 10. Is labour sweet? This woman is also part of the problem abeg. Notwithstanding her husband is selfis .

    • hello

      April 29, 2016 at 7:18 pm

      It is possible with two years spacing per child and there might also be multiple births.

  18. Totally empathetic

    April 29, 2016 at 6:20 pm

    hello there, first of all I commend you for holding down a job with four children and trying to manage home, hubby, yourself and everything else. I am a young mum of 2 toddlers, with full time job and a fulltime housewife at the same time, first child of my parents so I have other responsibilities outside of my nuclear home. I struggle to get the balance at times.

    I’ve had issues of resentment towards my hubby (though he’s very hands-on at home), strain between us and his demands for sex which can leave things a bit sour if I’m not up it ( no bad belle). It is not easy even when things are going well between the two of you. However, some strategies have worked for me, I’m learning that marriage is a journey, a school and not a destination. I won’t try to offer solutions as every marriage or individual is different and it takes two to tango.

    Your hubby sounds like the type that could listen and initially agree to something. Do you two pray together? if you are actively involved in church life, perhaps you can focus on strengthening personal prayer and communal prayer between you two. We all need to do anyway, no matter how advanced we are spiritually. One thing you could consider as well is praying perhaps first thing in the morning to have the right attitude to manage situations, otherwise, like me at times, you can go kolo! I learnt this from a saying: ” if you can’t change a situation, you can try to change your attitude towards it”. Also, focus on the things that are going well, your blessings, kids, hubby, etc for the sake f your mental health. I find praise (psalms and songs) help me to feel better ‘cos I give the attention to God but it can be a real effort.

    As for him, you’ve noted that his background & life experience are influencing his attitude. We can ‘t change the past but we can learn from it and use it to positively shape our future. perhaps you can try looking at him in a new light, with eyes of compassion.. a child who perhaps lacked love/presence of parents at some point in his life with experience of abuse. He needs to let love in, he needs unconditional love and understanding. This is where prayer and therapy can help; Do pray for healing of memories for him, healing of pain, feelings of abandonment, anger towards parents, towards self, etc. These things can manifest themselves later in adult life in unreasonable behaviours e.g. assuming every housemaid is a child abuser or ordering people about. I have been there before with my parents, as the first child and I’m a work in progress. Marriage therapy can work but both of you have to appreciate the value of it, be willing to go for it and make it work ( and of course, a sound therapist!) I wouldn’t involve third parties i.e. friends & relatives ‘cos you may forgive your hubby but they won’t forgive him or understand the basis of his issues..

    Another thing.. when is he in his best moods? What gives him pleasure? May be these are the times to tap into a conversation to find out how he’s doing, letting it be him-centred rather than you.. If his love language is physical touch e.g. sex, maybe you’ll need to ‘close eyes’ even when you’re tired and communicate that way and hopefully it gets him to listen to you. During these times, try not to sound attacking or complaining, make it look like he’s the centre of attention ( even though you feel like hitting his head with that imaginary stick in your hand!). men are like babies at times, they also have ego, that you sometimes you have to massage. My bloke likes to be complimented even for the littlest thing, helps a bit to reduce the strain. not easy but hey, we gotta try.

    Someone has suggested outsourcing tasks to a live-out house help. This can help reduce strain. Do you involve your children in doing some of the chores or helping out with cooking? It may not be too early to start.

    I wish you all the best in your endeavours and may God give you the courage to change what you can, the serenity to accept what you cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. May he favour and bless you and your husband and kids, in Jesus name.
    ..

  19. Fola Coco

    April 29, 2016 at 6:26 pm

    Marriage is work,but sometimes we make things hard for ourselves.. You would have to put your foot on the ground,no live in maid agreed,but 7-8pm maid must be allowed..
    This will never be your portion in jesus name,a friend’s sister died few weeks after giving birth to her 3rd baby(5yrs ago) (32yrs).. She worked in a bank,her husband telecoms, and she had been looking for a maid,stress of work,the 2kids coupled with one on the way.. Stress killed her,she had no complications after birth,no issues,it was a build up of wahala.. Being a wife and working mom is not child’s play in this our Era.. Love is kind,love is understanding, and that’s what you need from him.. Truth is i will say it again a 3rd party which is a therapist needs to be involved,and you need to make him go.. If he’s being adamant do all you can to make him give in..Therapy is very [email protected] stage,role play,speaking your mind and communication exercises and listening would really help renew his mind…Hypertension is not for the old anymore o,people in their 20’s,30’s have it now..Am not yet 40 and i have it am on 5drugs daily…If he wants to grow old with you,without you resenting him,changes have to be made…If push comes to shove have a word with your pastor(since you say his well respected in church).. You have a good man by your account he just needs to unlearn and learn some things…Get a driver for the kids,get a nanny,get a help,get a gardner,a washman,etc the less you have to juggle the saner and more happy you will be…Life is short.

  20. Ajala &Foodie

    April 29, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    Despite your stating his unwillingness with involving a “3rd party”. I will still advice seeking marriage counseling. Let him understand that even if he does not see a need for it, you do and for your happiness, the happiness of his kids and ultimately his own peace of mind and happiness you both need to go. Let him understand that you are beginning to resent him and something needs to be done.
    2nd option, like others have suggested, is contracting out activities you believe add no value to you or your family, I.e getting someone or a couple of persons to come in on week days or weekends to do your grocery shopping, cleaning and laundry. So you can have your weekends to spend time with your family and catch your breath too. They can do it on week days while the nanny is present so weekends are family time.
    I, on the other hand, feel a need to say this, since it relates to marriage and household chores: I have a friend who just got married, she is in her mid 30s. Her desire or obsession with marriage has made her ignore vital things. She is so scared of “rocking the boat” I.e saying anything that she believes the dude (now hubby) will not agree with because she was and is still fearful that should they not agree that will be the end. She was telling me that she is waiting for the Holy Spirit to minister to dude about helping around the house. This is someone that has been married less than a month. She said and I quote “you know men now, it takes time for such things”. I told her you better tell him NOWWW, the only thing that comes with time is resentment. The truth is many Nigerian women make this mistake, when we get married we believe it is our place to do all the household chores, cooking, cleaning and our men come to accept it, then kids start coming in and we expect them ( the men) to be suddenly “filled with the spirit of helping”. That is not going to happen. Like my father told my mum when this all went down with them “at that point it was too late. She is been doing it from the beginning why complain now and disturb the family dynamics already in place”. Especially one that excludes him from working. So if you are yet to be married please know what you expect of your partner and communicate that with him even before the I do’s. Don’t start out playing super woman and start complaining when he expects you to carry on being super wife and mother. Holy Spirit ain’t going to minister that to no one. Now, I am not saying this is the poster’s issue but that it may just be the problem in many other homes.

  21. lazy lazy

    April 29, 2016 at 6:36 pm

    Your husband is a good man , he’s just ‘domestically’ lazy like mine.Atleast he should let u get help. Don’t u have any relative that can come and live with u guys? For now ,when u are busy with cooking /chores, send d kids 2 him (they should go and disturb him lol na their papa).like someone said above ask him 2 help d kids with their homework,if he won’t listen 2 u ,tell ur kids 2 go and ask him 2 help them.Infact ur weapon is ur kids . Just use ur kids 2 get him 2 do things .And for ur own peace;just try and be happy and ignore him.

  22. Sunshine

    April 29, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    hmmmm ds is just me. I read this & i share same story. Bank job & my branch is so far away. My sister d good Lord is our strength. After begging, pleading, nagging, etc I resigned my self to fate. Please try & get someone to help out wt domestic chores during wknds. For me, I prayed & got a woman who comes early Sat mngs to help out wt all my domestic chores. Knowing & seeing d kind of suitation I got myself into, I gv myself brain & had jst 2 children. Thus far, every talk & cry for more children has fallen on deaf ears (before I kill myself ). During d week I do what I can do & leave d rest for d wknd. More so I hv learnt to blank my mind to him.
    Like one poster said , keep praying. God wl sort u out. Lastly am not tkn it easy on my son. He is not left out wt hse chores. It is well. God wl see u thru. E hugs dearest & Shalom.

  23. Paul Adeyemo

    April 29, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    Am a malinistt (opposite of feminist) if the word exist. Your husband is wicked. I hate & detest men who appear like an angel outside but a bully to their wives. You need a drastic solution, get a medical report of stress induced illness and take days off work, make sure the Doctor writes a note that you need to work less. Get an adult female maid who will come over the weekend only, she will work 7am to 7pm, your husband will be responsible for her salary. Don’t talk to him about the need to help you do house chores again. Get that medical report, whether it’s fake or original. Stress induced illness is not empirically verified. The Medical report is your solution. All the best, you are a good wife.

  24. Corolla

    April 29, 2016 at 7:11 pm

    How can someone who promised to love, honor, and cherish you enjoy watching you struggle with chores? I just don’t get it! This is why sometimes women just snap, and people then wonder what went wrong. You both brought kids into the world, but because he has a penis he thinks he shouldn’t help care for them? What nonsense. After slaving at work, you come to the house, and an able-bodied man cannot help you out? Jesox!

    I have said this a hundred times, religious institutions need to start preaching and educating men about assuming responsibility at the home. Not every time preach “submission” and “head of the house” crap,

    • beyyyyy

      April 29, 2016 at 7:34 pm

      @corolla some here are advising her to pray more, even to the extent of making the young children do the housework, just so the husband gets his way. Religion and culture should never mix, but unfortunately people often misinterpret ‘submission’, and ignore where the bible said that both man and woman should submit to one another. If the same probably happens in the Pastor’s home, how can Mr/Mrs Pastor come out and preach against it?The same pastors that urge women to stay with men that beat them?

  25. Jay

    April 29, 2016 at 7:15 pm

    MY dear i feel your pain..first of all get a nanny you can trust you are not a slave..I feel ur pain..i married a man out of pity and now i detest every second of my marriage…he doesn’t speak well, (pardon me i am obsessed with great diction) he has never provided for me, i have always paid most of his bills and mine since we got married, He has never given me money for groceries i buy groceries with my money, i buy our 4 kids’ clothes, when i come back from childbirth after a c-section i head straight to the kitchen,he does not even think of buying anything for omugwo for me….i went to Nigeria on vacation and when i returned my car was dead, the batteries damaged because he never warmed it for one day. He is mild mannered but passive aggressive..everyone looks at me as a bad woman because due to extreme fatigue i have a non existent social life….i am so mentally, physically and emotionally drained, that i am totally at my wits end…….he has the nerve to tell me to hit the gym because i have put on some weight…but what does he expect after 4 kids??? and i am over 40…..i detest my marriage but for the sake of my kids I am still hanging in there because they love their dad. so much….the one thing that keeps me going is the affection he has for the kids, he will do anything in kind for them….my husband is like a stranger to me…he barely speaks to me, i don’t like his friends, we don’t have anything but the kids in common…….i saw all the signs but still went ahead mainly because he is a xtian and I felt he would never cheat on me….i am not so sure about that now…..He tells me he loves me, but deep down i know he doesn’t because he does not try to please me……

    You are more than likely way younger than me….nip things in the bud now, as some others suggested take a vacation and leave the kids with him…i will do the same too…maybe he will have a wake up call…some times when men complain a lot, they are seeing other women…nothing the woman does satisfies them, because their heart is somewhere else….life can really throw curve balls I feel ur pain…

    • Diuto

      May 2, 2016 at 8:36 am

      I’m very sorry to say this but if you divorce him, he can still take care or luv the kids from afar. It’s better than resentment that could lead to murder. He luvs tge kids but doesn’t spend on them? He is stingy with his resources to them but not his tome probably.

      You know better though

  26. shakitibobo

    April 29, 2016 at 7:25 pm

    I hate to generalize but majority of Naija men are so pre-medieval and weak regardless of all those 3 letters they pack behind their names certifying their level of education. I’m male in my late twenties and this is just horrible. Social structures in Nigeria needs a new foundation. Men are suppose to protect their fams, help your wives in the kitchen when it gets overwhelming i mean all that She belongs in the kitchen mentality is totally outplayed. Yes she is in charge of the kitchen but i’m sure you expect her to chip in when things are down financially for you. Finding a happy Nigerian woman lately is becoming very rare esp those in their 30’s -45 If the society isn’t taunting (her) the unmarried ones, the married ones are in either an abusive relationship (Physically or Mentally) or the husband is a serial cheater. Wake up guys! Advanced nations consider women as the bedrock of their society why they prosper cos a happy wife is a happy home.

    • Ginger

      April 29, 2016 at 7:45 pm

      majority of Nigerian men are so because the women let them be so. Their mothers raise them like that, their girlfriends ignore it, their wives enable it. Most of the suggestions here are about praying and circling around her husband and not how she can actually get him to do more work, even if it’s just to help with the children he fathered. It’s internalised, and both men and women need to do so much better concerning their approach to rigid gender roles and the treatment of women.

  27. mee

    April 29, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    Babes:
    1) Do you have to work? If not consider quitting to concentrate fully on ur home front. Believe me ur family and kids u have brought into this world are more important. Take it from me who works in finance.
    2) you can not hold back Sex from ur husband. Babe’s do u go to church? Even the bible says do not be depriving each other of it. You would wreck ur marriage totally and regret it. The small issue of chores no go be the matter again.
    3) secondly he doesn’t want a live_in.ehen get someone who will work or cook small and go. If you don’t wanna cook. There are people who deliver soups and stews in bulk. Purchase from them if that is the solution to ur own problem. Refrigerate the rice and eba.
    4) A truly wise woman builds up her house and not tear it down oo. So says the wisest book from the originator of marriage
    5) you wouldn’t enjoy your marriage if ur husband is bitterly angry with you. Why are u bitter towards him. He doesn’t want to do it. Ur lecturing hasn’t changed him. He won’t pick toothpick for u yet. Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t tomorrow. Be wise. U can force a camel to stream but he fit no drink water. Love him. Concentrate on the good he has. And expound on that. Nurture what you do have and watch it bloom to other things that u seemingly lack. Equally it will allow u enjoy yourself.
    5) no die of B.P and stress from all these anger ooo and this will be affecting ur kids. C’mon! Biko. Abeg
    6) it’s not as bad as u think. Just change ur attitude towards it. And enjoy your marriage

    • Bad advise!

      April 30, 2016 at 8:07 am

      She should quit her job so that he will now be at the mercy of her husband and he will refer to her as a burden abi? What kind of advise is that. please?

    • Aijay.....

      April 30, 2016 at 2:33 pm

      What are you saying????

  28. Ro

    April 29, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    Can an article be written on men demanding sex in marriage? Pls epp a gal out, how often should it be lest it seems you are depriving the man? Had serious issue with hubby when we got married cos my libido dint match his, we later adjusted but it still comes up once in a while and sometimes makes me feel inadequate.
    Then there are the subtle threats of how this kind of thing makes a man look outside. How he imagined he could have sex whenever he wanted it after waiting so long.
    Then there is the issue is different positions, I did martial arts years ago, my flexibility programme has resumed with all the splitting, lol. Then the turn here turn there trying to get a good position when all a gal wants is for it to be hard and fast.
    They also don’t see to know that the toto de tire and fit bruise. When u no wan do again them go de sulk. Is sex in marriage an issue or am I frigid.

    • Ro

      April 29, 2016 at 7:58 pm

      Of different position* forgive all typos and sorry for posting on another ladies Aunt Bella.

    • Niyoola

      April 30, 2016 at 12:14 pm

      Hello. I don’t think you are frigid. Men generally have a higher libido than women; when a woman has a higher libidon, see wahala….. they start calling her nympho (story for another day)

      See, many men like sex. A man could lose his job, car break down on 3MB on his way home, get home to a sick child and still want sex.

      As a woman, ordinary no sugar for cereal in the morning, and my day is already bad….. I already know I won’t want sex at night. 

      When it comes to sex, men can package all their worries in a suitcase and forget about it till its over. It also doesn’t help that they are quite easily turned on. A peak at you bra strap can give hubby a hard-on. So here you are, tired…. hubby is trying to grab your boobs, yet you are thinking about the kids biscuits, it has finished. Do you have 20 naira change to buy from mallam, will mallam even be open at that time? Ah, fuel will soon finish at home….. all the meat in the freezer will spoil as Nepa has been acting mad…… etc.

      It is hard.

      What I do. I have ‘special’ days when I jump husband. From when I wake up, I take it easy, I don’t stress too much, I conserve my energy, take a bath after the kids have slept. Then I grab him! As in GRAB. Make sure the sex is goooood! Infact, restrain him and you do all the work. He will forgive u any days you turn down sex……

      Also tell him what turn you on fastest. Many ladies hate when you just grab bum, boobs etc‎. Let him know what turns you on and what you dislike. 

      Tke a shower together, cuddle, watch a movie together, preferably RomCom……. do things that make you relax, and you’ll be more tuned to sex.

      A tired woman is not fun to hubby n kids. Every1 shld pitch in. He shld bathe n feed kids while you get ready for work, Husband clear dishes, help tidy up before going to bed. If you are still falling behind, get a maid.

      Taking domestic chores off your list frees up tim for you‎

  29. shakitibobo

    April 29, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    Naija women, Wake up! A failed Marriage doesn’t mean you’ve failed at life. Actually go out there and have fun. Be confident. Eat clean, Work out, exfoliate your skin, take some trips, welcome other men’s advances when you’re falling out of love with a man that isn’t treating you right respect him enough not to sleep with your admirer. Don’t go and hold on to a guy that doesn’t know how to treat you all in the name of you have to stay in a marriage to make your folks happy or concerning yourself with what other’s think which is irrellevant. Happiness is Key! Not being happy is failing in life and this is coming from an Alpha Male.

  30. Uyai

    April 29, 2016 at 8:45 pm

    You are starting to resent your husband.lol..women and their entitlementsite. .has it ever occurred to you that your husband is already resenting, depressed and regreting the marriage…woman, if u really not happy , divorce the man and pack out ..simple..let the man be free

  31. Great Lady

    April 29, 2016 at 8:48 pm

    Madam you need no counselling,take a surprise trip especially outside the country if you have the money. Just go somewhere far,quiet and peaceful. While you’re at it,do not put your phone on. Before you go write a short note or a text telling him you’ve gone for a holiday. Bottom line it’s time for you to rest.
    When you come back, tell him it’s either he helps you in the house or you’re getting help.

  32. Asgrl

    April 29, 2016 at 10:29 pm

    If all the advise fails, fake a fainting spell more than once at home and outside. Or just disappear for a week. Turn off your phone. The kids will be okay, he’s their dad.

  33. Letty

    April 29, 2016 at 11:57 pm

    I love asgrls advice…naija ppl are indeed creative…pretend u passed out…that’s a good one..

  34. eva

    April 30, 2016 at 12:55 am

    Abeg forget doctor’s report and fainting spells. Hire a maid to come work btw the hours 7_7pm.Don’t even bother asking him to assist you bcos he won’t agree. If he hasn’t done it in seven years, he won’t do it now. Get some rest and pls stand your ground. Tell him it’s either a maid or he will do it. You are not a slave. Enjoy your marriage, not endure it. @corolla and beyyy, I loved your comments. These religious institutions should start teaching men how to lead at home and not be shouting submission from the pulpit all the time. Good day

  35. imustdropacomment

    May 3, 2016 at 11:49 am

    The honest truth is that Nigerian women are strong and they will find a way around everything. I have 3 kids with 2 under 2. Its not easy and my husband though not always around doesnt even help when he is and he says stuff like ‘ i dont know how you do it, if i was the one taking care of these kids myself i would have run away, God knows why he made men and women diff…..n so on. The bottom line is he was supportive enough to say i should get someone to help me over the weekend as i have a mon – friday live in nanny. But i like the fact that i have my house to myself and the kids so its not a big ish.

    coping mechanism:

    the kids are yours and no one else’s.
    the house is your and you love it to be clean
    you eat what i give you to eat not want you want to eat.
    i do things at my own pace

    i don’t attend social events over the weekend and i attend church on sundays when i can.

    find a coping mechanism that works for you, life may seem tough but its not that hard.

    All the best.

  36. luvnaija

    May 8, 2016 at 11:27 pm

    Do the chores you can handle and leave the rest! You will age faster by burdening yourself while Oga is growing younger!
    Since he doesn’t want a live in help get a temporary one that comes and goes. If he doesn’t want you to get any help at all then you gat no choice than to develop tough skin and ignore the chores you can’t handle including its attendant consequences.
    It is well with you!

  37. Tosin

    May 10, 2016 at 12:17 am

    someone sent me the message below and i thought to share. it’s supposed to be for laughs or a relief, something like that…

    Domestic punishment
    I offended my wife and she insisted a million sorries were not enough. I didn’t know what to do, so I asked her to choose a punishment she considered satisfactory.
    She said I should do all chores for one week. I quickly agreed. That was the worst punishment I served in living memory.
    If you think you have patience, wait till your wife leaves you with two kids and goes to gist with a neighbor for hours. One hour seemed like 1 year. Yelling and commanding fell on deaf ears; it was as if the kids conspired with their mother to raise their disturbance to power 2. I couldn’t even take my calls; Facebook update was no-go area; the crying was loud and persistent.
    What of the poopooing and peeing? And for someone easily disgusted, I was sooo beaten and alarmed.
    The house cleaning, dishwashing were something else. I learnt that one child can use 3 dresses/wears per day.
    Preparing their meals was like Kachikwu and fuel. Preparing ordinary pap was like Buhari and 2016 budget. I wasted a couple of dishfuls before I came close to getting it right. Then, the feeding proper was like Fashola and electricity. For every spoon each of them took, we had to run around for several minutes. I was furious but they were laughing and playful.
    By the second day, I was completely humbled and asked for amnesty. Processing the application was like Nigerian police doing crime investigation. Approving the application was like Nigerian military defeating Boko Haram in Sambisa forest.
    In the end, to win a temporary amnesty, it took APC tactics on Nigerians; I made so many promises without thinking of how to fulfill any. I just wanted to get off the punishment.
    # Saw this on a friend’s page and thought it will help energize us. Mothers are something out of this world. They’re so special that it is only them that can be called mothers.

  38. Breda lee

    May 11, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    This is why men love bitches! My hubby is exactly the same but he has no clue when I try to explain how much help I need. Be a smart girl and still enjoy ur life. Get a grown maid for the week and if u can hide it outsource the cooking so u can have some rest. If u die his life will continue with a smarter girl (bitch…means smart not derogatory) that can handle him. Why die?

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