The Journey to ‘I Am’ with Tolu Falode: I Fought Her to Find You

I fought her to find you-I heard your whisper but couldn’t see you. Through the tears, the pain, the confusion-all the emotions boiling through-spreading to those I loved-who were hurt by the spew. I couldn’t understand you-I couldn’t see you-I could feel you so clearly trying to burst through. Fighting natural urges to give, to learn to receive-both good and bad news. To learn not to become the captain of my own shipwrecked views.

I was stubborn; strict but at the same time I could feel a deep hunger from within-searching for something I could not yet see-and that was how I nearly lost everything.

Through the chaos, the stress, giving into other people’s emotions-pulling unto regret. Boiling silently like some deceitful brew-waiting so patiently to spew venom into their smiles of truth-I was afraid of you. You spoke so clearly, eloquently; you knew how to make people trust you. You knew where to strike when someone was struggling too. You knew how to captivate their attention through your ominous looks-they misunderstood you-I did too. I couldn’t see why you kept choosing hatred and guilt over so many other powerful tools. Twisting and twirling through each relationship hoping to find you-to finally see yourself-playing another’s muse. Failing to release your own creative truths.

But they hurt you. They hurt you more than you could have thought possible. You trusted too many people with your vulnerability and it pained you. You screamed with every push and prod they used against you. They turned your shield into a sword to injure you. They took all you wanted and used it to hurt you. Whispered words of trust scattered into the darkness as they betrayed you. They cut you; beat you-they nearly battered you-with all you whispered in their ears-they showed no signs of regrets as they turned against you.

So I fought you. You trusted too many people with our secrets-too many views. You told too many lies and not enough truths. You spoke so harshly when words did not need to be used. You trampled on others as you suffered in silence-you held them as victims against your views. You hurt them because they hurt you. All those years spent trusting and waiting and hoping for someone to see you. It made you blind to your own power-your own potential-you couldn’t see your issues. You refused to face them when they faced you. And it cost you. It tore you apart and like a whirlwind it stole from you-many memories were lost as it littered the trail of relationships gone askew. They weren’t all your fault-that much is true.

Some people couldn’t be trusted-you had to choose you. When faced with that choice finally when you sat down to look. When it all came crumbling because of many a fatality that had borne the brunt of your brutality-you grew tired and released envy. You refused to discuss anymore with revenge-you realized it was not worth it. And so you released the poison from your energy. Hard as it was-I fought her to find you.

I fought her determination to make everyone pay for what they had cost you. I fought her screams of disbelief as she tried to remind you with painful memories of what they had done to you. I stared deep into each picture and chose to release bitterness because of you.

To find you-my purpose, to reach my core-to connect truly with you-to realize at the end of it all-no one is worth giving up on yourself to carry their burdened views-it is not worth the stench to build a pyre reeking with their mixed views-burning away in wasted energy, anger, plotting revenge silently. It was not worth the sacrifice over you. And finally you managed to breathe through. A gasp of air released, and purpose was birthed from that dark decision to leave the past behind in ashes-you rose like a phoenix and now you reflect who I am internally-now I can see you-and finally I see the woman who I wanted to be-the woman I could feel yearning from within to be released-I see all of her reflected in you.

I fought her to find you-through the ashes of deceit you came through-birthed in a powerful furnace of destiny released-the burnt ashes of betrayal at your feet.