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Aunty Bella: Mr. Unable to Interpret the Signals of the Chase

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.

This story was posted by a BellaNaijarian in another post. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***
Hello folks. Help this brother in love.

Sorry it’s a long text & apologies for posting here.

I’ve not been in relationship in nearly 4 years. 6 weeks ago, I met this interesting lady in my local church & excitement builds up so quickly. I’m 36. She’s 26. For the first 2 weeks, she did more of chasing & then table turns round, she slowed the pace & I became the chaser. She expressed concern about age gap & noted she’ll be keeping her options open & thus friendship is the only menu on the table. Plus, we can’t date, hangout & stuff. OK, I assumed at this point, she’s not interested, so I buy the friendship idea & slowly turning off the feeling.

Yet, she wakes me up every morning with text messages, check up during working hours midnight video calls at night. By week 4, she was off again. Not consistent. I topped up my chase. At week 5, I asked if we could meet up for coffee, she obliged but her tone cautioned it’s not quite a date. 4 hours to the “date”, I text to confirm meet up as planned. She messaged back to cancel and reschedule on “obviously flimsy” excuse. Cancelling is fine, but without notice until I messaged, I was discouraged.

At this point, it appears she’s not interested and of course got plenty time to play the game. I don’t have that luxury. So, I called her to express I’m falling in love, and sort of vulnerable in emotions. And politely wish her all the best. She replied with “yea, all the best to you too”

That was lastnight.

I’ve second guess my decision a million times today. I believe in acquaintance, friendship, dating & marriage process, in that sequence. But only when I see greenlight enough. While I’m a masterpiece in dating, I’m truly humbled by how this love plays me. It’s week 6 & today is our first no message, no contact, friendship day ?.

Is she playing hard to get? Is she not interested? Who’s got superpower to guess right? I’m in love & I think say she’s the Bride.

Photo Credit: Dmytro Zinkevych | Dreamstime.com

72 Comments

  1. Asa

    July 5, 2017 at 1:40 pm

    A 10 year age gap! Hmmmm…. Last year my bro was ready for the altar and met a 27 year old lady he thought might be the one. She blew hot and cold, very much like your own Lady is doing. Anyway he met someone else and things clicked and he married the someone else. Now the 27 year old Lady has told him that she really wanted them to take things easy and climb up all the way to love while he was trying to do a 100 metre dash to the altar.

    The thing is, when you are 36 and ready, you are really ready but at 26, a Lady still wants to take things easy, look around, climb up to love with you. So my advice is, take things easy with her and follow her at her pace. I am not saying following her at her own pace will definitely mean marriage o. I am saying it is the best chance you’ve got if you really want her. Another thing is, you too should form hard to get small. If today is the first time you people have not spoken in weeks, don’t break down and call her. If you can, push the call till weekend and then call her and ask her out, Just try to gauge her reaction at the prospect of being with you after a while apart, that should give you enough clues to know if you should persist in wooing her.

    • Coral

      July 6, 2017 at 11:53 am

      @Asa, I agree with you. I want to say I’m a bit miffed at her attitude but I should also say being 26 makes her feel she’s got time. That’s alright. Maybe she feels rushed. Maybe she’s got someone she likes but it doesn’t hurt to be the focus for someone much older.
      Dear writer, please, slow it down with her and widen your search. You have a tunnel vision with her presently and she senses it. Look further; don’t restrict yourself to her. There are other ladies, better ladies. More mature ones. Please, don’t rush it.

    • 27 year old lady

      July 10, 2017 at 10:50 am

      when you read your own story on bella. Uncle well done o. Brother ko, sis ni

  2. Kamsi

    July 5, 2017 at 1:47 pm

    I don’t think this is the right forum to bring this to. I’m 29 and Female. I met someone recently, we clicked and then he ghosted. It hurt like hell, but I didn’t bother reaching out to him Albeit, im getting worried that maybe I may never find someone who would want me especially in this part of the world where Nigerian men like much younger women. Ill be 30 in three months time. How do you tell a guy you’re 30? I think most guys don’t like women who are over this age. Ive just removed thoughts of dating from my mind. Please can a woman still find at 30?

    • Kamsi

      July 5, 2017 at 1:48 pm

      Please can a woman still find love and a good man at 30?

    • Steph

      July 5, 2017 at 2:07 pm

      Yes, a woman can find true love at any age. I had a friend who turned 30 this year as well. Last year, we went to a wedding together and I remember how anxious she was on our way to the wedding. She was convinced that no man would pay attention to her because she was “old”. I convinced her otherwise. At the wedding, she was a bit timid and didn’t seem to want to get up and dance. I told her to let go of whatever is holding her back and have fun. As soon as it was time for “dance, dance, dance”, a guy walked over to us and started dancing with us. I noticed he kept looking at her so I gave them a chance to dance. She was so uncomfortable once I left cause she felt “well, I’m sure he won’t be interested once I tell him my age.” Long story short, they just got married in April. So I say this to say, go out, mingle, network, you never know who is praying to meet you.

    • Ola

      July 5, 2017 at 2:11 pm

      Yes, it is very possible. First, remove the thought that you can’t meet any one at that age from your mind. Second, do not feel or act desperate as that is a turn off. Third, be yourself and be open to meeting people. I repeat, it is possible to find love with the right person at thirty and beyond. All the best!

    • Dee

      July 5, 2017 at 2:15 pm

      Of course you can. As long as you are not just waiting there for a man to come and ‘complete’ you.
      Do your thing, enjoy life, develop yourself and you will be surprised at the calibre of men you’ll attract
      A mature woman is like fine wine, only men with taste can appreciate you

    • anon

      July 5, 2017 at 2:27 pm

      My dear Kamsi, remove this thought from your mind. Had a really nasty break up at 31…………. infact he married someone else and I found out 3mths to the wedding while still dating me.
      I thought my life was over. Not because of my age persay but because I had invested time and couldn’t even imagine where I would start from.
      It was very important I marry right so I was willing to wait till whenever in my 30’s. So far it wasn’t past 35 cos of my biological clock.
      Eventually I met someone else and got married at 33.
      So my dear there are loads of available naija guys in their 30’s not married. Doing well, good looking and no baby mama’s either.
      You should remove that mentality from your head that 30 is old. One thing I do implore you is to always look good, maintain your figure, exercise/diet if you need to , have your hair and clothes always look nice. Becos lets face it the dating pool is filled with 20yr olds. So you need to step up your game.
      I have a friend who just got married at 35 also and the groom was 38, never been married.
      There are loads of ppl getting married in their 30s……………. you need to change your perception and stop feeling old.
      The way I even behave even with a child, and dress a lot of ppl don’t believe I’m in my mid 30’s. I don’t play with my dressing at all. I go out, hang out with friends, do fun things.
      When my husband met me at 32, he thought I was like 27 because I don’t dress old, either do I act old. Age is a thing of the mind.

    • Miss Single

      July 5, 2017 at 2:30 pm

      Hi,

      I think you should stop trying to “look” or ‘Find’ a man.

      Focus on your life, career, goals, take a trip, tick items off your ‘bucket list’. enjoy your singleness, whatever makes you happy…. (Being single is not a curse). This might sound cliche, and possibly dumb coming from someone who is in the same situation as you, but I have heard friends who are married wish they had enjoyed their singleness and accomplished their dreams while they were single and had time. I don’t want to be like them, so i am just going to be happy, deal with whatever baggage and past hurts and pains I have had in my life (DECLUTTER), learn a trade/ craft or two…. generally be happy till the right one comes along. I am tired of sitting around waiting….. I hope this helps.

    • iyke

      July 5, 2017 at 2:36 pm

      @kamsi
      that’s not true – I’m Igbo and I’d prefer ladies in their 30s…You can find love anytime.
      STOP putting pressure and giving up on yourself….It scares men like me.

    • Prime Babe

      July 5, 2017 at 3:01 pm

      I’m 35 (going on 50 in my head. lol) and very very single…… and I do not feel this way (” I think most guys don’t like women who are over this age”). …I would say it pays to have supportive friends and family on one hand and a very very healthy sense of self (not arrogance) on the other hand(it helps to block the “noise”). You will find love(I will find love.lol) but even if you dont, will you be content and happy?

    • Madam TF

      July 5, 2017 at 4:03 pm

      My dear, love can find you even at 40 years. As long as you continue to develop yourself, keep fit, take care of yourself , dress well. and pray.I found love at 33 years. There is no law that says you must be married before 30 years.

    • Real_bukie

      July 5, 2017 at 4:17 pm

      absolutely, just trust God, live your live to the fullest, love you , do you , be you, don’t wait a around for no man…God will definitely bring your own man no matter the age, don’t allow the society to pressure you!

    • Just married

      July 5, 2017 at 4:53 pm

      Hello Kamsi, I just got married in May 2017. He proposed in December 2016, and again February 2017 with a ring. I am 31. I will be 32 in about 3 months. He is 34, will be 35 in a few months. Never married. NO child with someone else. I remember his sister in law telling me after the wedding that I gave him a hard time. Of all the guys I dated, he is the one I gave the hardest and toughest time…for One year and two months. I met him once I turned thirty, but my age did not stop my shakara..
      You can find love at anytime. I know someone that just got married. I know she is years older than me. Maybe 4 years. Another friend of mine got married at 39

    • Sunny

      July 5, 2017 at 5:21 pm

      Very possible to find love after 30. I’m a lady, met an amazing gentleman at 30. I had my fair share of disappointments with men prior to meeting him but never let that set me back. I LIVED (and still do), travelled, had fun with my girlfriends, devoted my time to serving God (personally and in church), took professional exams, networked, volunteered when I could, among other things I loved and found fulfilling. I went out to parties and the like to celebrate with the celebrants and have fun, never with hopes of meeting someone because I felt I didn’t need that pressure (some may not like this approach). At some point I thought I’d never meet the guy I’d love so I just lived life to the full.

      Keep your head up, have fun, LIVE and stay positive. All good things will come. xx

    • Amalonye

      July 5, 2017 at 5:36 pm

      Kamsi! Are you alright ke?? what sort of question did you just ask abi are you asking???!!!! Kamsi my mother married at 34 in 1974!!!! She was not the latest to get married in her family. My sister married 2011 she was born 1975! I wish the man I marry can be half as great as my sister’s husband, I would forever be grateful to God. Am I married? No! Guess my age? 32. I am not currently even in a relationship and I am not even bothered. What is with you guys and marriage by 30 ehn??? Nawa o. 30 is a baby honestly!!! Aunty don’t get me annoyed please. The pressure you people put on yourselves at 30 to marry you should channel it into other things, like say by 30 I want to have my own house even if it is a one bedroom or by 30 I want to be able to send orphans and those that lack to school or provide for a lot of people in need. You need to calm down and refocus and re-purpose your like ok. Marriage ko marriage ni. Iffa hear!

    • Biker Chic

      July 5, 2017 at 6:47 pm

      @Kamsi, l dont like people like you. This post is not about you. You have just stolen this posters thunder!

    • LemmeRant

      July 5, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      @Biker Chic

      Thank you o. Someone created a thread to ask for advise. This one came and hijacked the thread making it about herself. Not surprised though, this is typical for a Naija babe, always tryna make everything about yourself.

      And to the advice givers. The one that created thread you no see advice continue derailing the thread o.

      Well done.

    • Desmonds

      July 5, 2017 at 11:21 pm

      There is an old African proverb (Desmonds) – If you truly love someone let them go, if they come then they are yours but if not they weren’t yours in the first place. Enough said.

    • Tade Omowunmi

      July 5, 2017 at 11:44 pm

      Ofcourse, you can. Just dont give up but enjoy your life

    • D'Mamma

      July 6, 2017 at 8:14 am

      Hi Kamsi,
      Please 30 is not The Death Sentence. Plus there’s no hurry really.
      Just live your life, enjoy yourself, build yourself and your career, get to know yourself better. You’ll meet someone.

  3. Adam

    July 5, 2017 at 2:07 pm

    I was in your shoes before and it’s exhausting to be in such situation. My chase wa longer and 8 yrs difference but alas it didn’t work out and I moved on. Will get it rig someday soon.

  4. bebe

    July 5, 2017 at 2:09 pm

    Uncle… she likes you. but doesn’t want to do the chasing, send her messages woo her, instead of waiting for her messages. Step up your game, surprise her with a gift tomorrow

    • Ada

      July 5, 2017 at 2:21 pm

      But if she likes him why this dumb chase? He’s already expressed intense interest in her. This is juvenile behavior abeg.

      You won’t find this kind of problem with a slightly older woman who doesn’t have time for games.

    • Miss Elejo wewe

      July 6, 2017 at 10:46 am

      Why is this difficult for guys to fathom?

  5. slice

    July 5, 2017 at 2:15 pm

    She’s not young. Many 26 year olds are married.now she may not want to get married yet but that’s not certain. Why don’t you woo her like you would anyone but keep your options open too. Text her aor call and ask for a date or night out….I know about the “friend” that texts every morning. They don’t always become your spouse. Sometimes they express regret when u move on with someone else but that doesn’t really mean they want

  6. iyke

    July 5, 2017 at 2:28 pm

    Dude, STOP! You are being desperate.
    You’ve completely given her the power to control the narratives here and that’s why you are dying in silence.
    36 and old? Says who? Why are you rushing?
    Dude listen, all other things being equal, if you live your life right and healthy, you still have close to 60 more years to live on this earth. Why rush to marry someone who is not ready? She’s just 26 ..still growing up,perhaps still in sch and making her own mistakes. What does she know about her choices? People are living longer these – oh maybe in Africa (Nigeria), not.
    Let me tell you bro, we are all deserving of the most pure, whole and authentic love – What you are professing is not love ..rather putting her under undue pressure, because of the pressure you have put on yourself and that’s scary. She likes you, it’s obvious (age has nothing to do with her feeling) but she wants to take it slow…
    If she’s in your future plans, then be friends with her and get to know her for as long as it takes because no amount of love you profess NOW will make any meaning to a heart that is not ready. And when she is ready, trust me, you wouldn’t be having this sleepless nights.
    Be grown and do grown things!

    • Prime Babe

      July 5, 2017 at 3:06 pm

      I agree a billion times!

    • loves love

      July 5, 2017 at 3:50 pm

      I love the pure authentic love part *smiles*

    • Ije

      July 5, 2017 at 8:35 pm

      Iyke,
      From the bottom of my heart, let’s get married, dammit!

  7. anon

    July 5, 2017 at 2:34 pm

    Mr poster that girl isn’t really into you.
    She may like you……….. but I’m not sure she is ready to enter a committed relationship. She’s still testing the waters and trying to figure out what she wants. You are probably also not the only guy she’s talking to. She seems to have several guys on her case.
    As a 36yr old you don’t have time to waste, no time for mind games and guessing if she digs you or not. She still has the luxury of time because of her age.
    You can still remain friends with her but pls keep your options open. There are loads of single women looking for a guy ready to settle like you. Don’t waste any more time on someone who is unsure of what she wants.
    She may eventually date you……….. but I doubt she’s ready for marriage.

    • lin

      July 6, 2017 at 10:50 am

      marriage is not the ultimate end of a relationship but bad marriage is through divorce. you don’t expect her to be jumping at him because he has now realized he is 35 and unmarried, the bible says love is patient. i’m sure she wanted friendship but this new development scared her, lets learn to be patient in love. it is better to be patient and marry a friend a confidant than rush and marry only God knows what,

  8. 4Jhay

    July 5, 2017 at 2:35 pm

    My friend is 24 and she’s looking for real love biko. She’s been hurt too much. Please kindly throw in an advice. She’s 24 and she has already given up.

  9. lin

    July 5, 2017 at 3:07 pm

    Bro, no offence o. but i am certain you are her ‘SIDE DISH’. Kindly shift goals abeg before you come on here later on to drop a story that ‘touch the heart’.

    By the way, i think it’s only in Nigeria where a lady in her 30s is considered ‘old’. Why the pressure though?
    In my country 30s and 20s are like on the same scale. Ladies actually start feeling pressured only after their 40s and mainly because of the ‘biological clock’ ideology. it’s only then your close ones will start hinting more on having your kids rather than tying an ‘unhappy’ knot o.

    Me thinks nigerians are so much preoccupied with financial and marital ‘achievements’. more for validation and show off rather than for self fulfillment.

    You guys, relaxxx. Life is too short. We should be more preoccupied about making heaven!!!

    • Tunde

      July 5, 2017 at 7:12 pm

      Yeah what county are you that 40 is what people start considering old? You better stop deceiving yourself and other people. For women, 30 is when the biological clock starts counting down properly and for your information, it is not an “ideology”, it is science. Olodo.

  10. Omo Oba

    July 5, 2017 at 3:14 pm

    I might have done the disappearing act on someone, we met, we clicked and she was really interested, but I wasn’t really interested, I managed to fulfill all my date and timeline commitments then I just disappeared. 3 messages not acknowledged in 6 months, Now I feel guilty, but I

    • Omo Oba

      July 5, 2017 at 3:18 pm

      Question is… when you are really not feeling the connection as a guy, should you say “hey I don’t like you like that” or “hmmm, I’m travelling for work, I’ll holla when I’m back in town” while you come back quietly without notifying her that you are around?….. sorry to stray off topic, but I need you guys’ advice. I kind of feel like it’ll be rude to say “hey, I don’t like you, please leave me alone”.

    • b

      July 5, 2017 at 3:29 pm

      Shit happens, just find a convenient time to reach out later simple. Hopefully she would have found peace then rememebr not to make commitments that you cannot keep.

    • slice

      July 5, 2017 at 3:31 pm

      Don’t say anything to her. Time has passed and she got the message that you are not interested

    • iyke

      July 5, 2017 at 3:46 pm

      Disappearing act is childish and depics a man that doesn’t have a mind of his own.
      If you ARE SURE that you don’t have any ‘FEELINGS’ for her and haven’t lied to her to get her cookies, don’t waste her time…. Tell her straight up and politely that you are not ready for a relationship/dating at the moment.
      Smart women get the message and will quietly & respectfully walk out of your life.

    • kamsi

      July 5, 2017 at 4:07 pm

      Hello Omo Oba, a simple conversation albeit face to face would help or better still tell her you already have a girlfriend/fiancee?With that she would hit the brakes. . The problem is you men always lead women on subtly. In my case, I wasn’t looking for anything serious initially, but this dude would tell me things like he’s the constant and i’m the variable, he was even the one asking where the relationship was headed,? how many kids I was looking to have? He on his own went on FB to find me(Mind you ive not been on FB in months as I could not remember my password and I no longer used my recovery email). Somehow, I tried all my usual password combinations and there his FB request was. This is a guy that would chat me up on whatsapp and google talk. Ghosting is very terrible. After the whole drama of him not speaking to me, then he sends me a LinkedIn request. I still wish he could just give me a reason for his actions.

  11. Fabulous

    July 5, 2017 at 3:20 pm

    Dear poster, madam may like you but she’s not interested in a comitted relationship. If you really want to get married, I would say look for someone else.

  12. Mummybobo

    July 5, 2017 at 3:37 pm

    Am 29, sometimes I wish I can meet a single dad like me who can spoil me with love……,. I love LOVE.
    Dear poster, I think she is in a relationship with another guy and just want your company as a friend, if you can have patience and continue chatting with her as a friend, God will open her eyes to see that you are the one for her or you ignore her and give yourself time and God will provide your own woman. You don’t force love on someone.
    *back to my thought* love love where are you……..

  13. wondering

    July 5, 2017 at 3:45 pm

    l

  14. wondering

    July 5, 2017 at 3:45 pm

    Hi Asa..I’m curious…if someone is really into you do you think the fact that you want to take it slow should make the person rush into another person’s arms?Doesn’t that mean the person wasn’t really crazy about you?…Just wanted the marriage package?I ask because i was in a situation similar to your bro except I wasn’t blowing hot and cold.I told le boo that i wanted to take things slow and he was in a huge rush to marry….he kept popping the question and I kept telling him yes but let’s grow into this journey what’s the rush…after almost a year of dating we had a misunderstanding and leboo called off the relationship almost like he was looking for an excuse to end it because the quarell was so minute.2 months later he was engaged,5 months in all he was married…I couldn’t believe it…where was the recovery time?I think I was a means to an end and not really the prize.Plus the fact that his wife wed him knowing she may have been the rebound chick didn’t make sense unless she was already his side piece..or was I the side piece? hmm…

  15. john

    July 5, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    @kamsi follow all the advice given to u , they are all good..never be ashamed of ur age..eat well and dress well..ur personality will speak for u..do not be desperate and also do not be complacent…the right person will locate you but remember if everything fails ….u can always join the” online single frustrated feminist “and shout and type that men are scum or this and that…that will also make u feel better atleast for some mins..just take it like a drug..it helps to cool things down…cheers

  16. john

    July 5, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    @kamsi follow all the advice given to u , they are all good..never be ashamed of ur age..eat well and dress well..ur personality will speak for u..do not be desperate and also do not be complacent…the right person will locate you but remember if everything fails ….u can always join the” online single frustrated feminist “and shout and type that men are scum or this and that…that will also make u feel better atleast for some mins..just take it like a drug..it helps to cool things down…cheers

    • Lol

      July 5, 2017 at 9:27 pm

      I thought John had gone soft until I saw the last sentence. ? Jonnie na wah oh lol

  17. kemiayeni

    July 5, 2017 at 4:16 pm

    I’m a 25-year-old female and dating in 2017 is by far one of the most complicated things ever,

    You better stay woke and don’t allow anybody do you like ping-pong. You are coleslaw and you are busy chasing egusi around.!!! Say No to Time wasters!!

    Say after me ” I deserve someone that is CONSISTENT and excited about me”.
    Hello Church!, see if after having a grown-up conversation with a lady/guy and they say that you are not their cup of tea. Dust your shoes and walk away with your self-pride still intact.
    One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is admit to yourself that the person you want most isn’t any good for you. Sometimes you are not their cup of tea and that’s okay because you are one fine cup of chilled pineapple juice.

    Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals or self-worth.

    This was a lesson I learnt the hard way this year. I’m JOLLOF RICE and if a guy doesn’t treat me like jollof rice, his problem not mine. ON TO THE NEXT! Mayy a find a good man IJN! Amen.

    • Lol

      July 5, 2017 at 9:33 pm

      God bless you for this comment.

  18. Sisi

    July 5, 2017 at 4:38 pm

    Hello, if you are not too caught up in her web and open to dating other wonderful people, I think I have a friend who is your age with 2 masters degree, a killer figure, a wit as sharp as a sword and happy with life. She is currently in the US but she might consider moving to Nija. So hit me up to hook you up if you are tired of the ten-ten game she is playing with your heart.

  19. Xyz

    July 5, 2017 at 4:45 pm

    Poster repeat after me, “this girl does not like me, she likes someone else but is keeping me as an option in case it doesn’t work”.
    Ladies let’s be honest, if you like a guy to the extent of calling, texting, video calling him everyday, would you suddenly go cold? And then when he finally comes around and even invites you out, do you blow him off without even giving a polite excuse?
    She says she wants just friendship, do just friends text each other every morning, check up at work, video call at midnight??
    Poster, she isn’t all that interested. If you want to do the chasing game be prepared, it could take years and she will continue leaving you unsure which I don’t think is worth it. Find a serious minded person and leave her alone.
    I mean you told her you are falling in love and are vulnerable, and her reply was, yeah all the best to you too. Wake up man!

  20. Brizola

    July 5, 2017 at 4:49 pm

    I’m single and ready to mingle. Same age with your runaway BAE hit me up. ???
    Trying to put myself in her shoes, I would like a guy to chase me a bit. I love that bit but don’t scare me away with marriage and long term commitment talk from the onset. I’d rather be friends, best buddies before love/marriage. Being in a rush scares me. So take your time.
    Maybe she’s not that into you.

  21. Manny

    July 5, 2017 at 5:44 pm

    I wouldn’t want to date this poster either. Man boy.

  22. Mawi

    July 5, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    Uncle poster, at this point in ur life you shouldn’t be asking these questions na. It’s obvious the babe isn’t so into you for whatever reasons. Maybe there’s someone else in her life, or maybe there’s something about u that put her off. I don’t know. But what is certain is that when a person (man or woman) truly wants someone, there’s no blowing hot & cold.
    But to be sure, why don’t u express how u feel to her? Tell her exactly what u want,how u feel about her behaviour and ask her what she really wants! Online strangers can’t help u na. We are not in her head! Instead of being confused in love, talk to her biko! If she insists on being just friends, then please move on. There are lots of beautiful grown women who know what they want and have no time for games. I wish you luck and love.

  23. mystery

    July 5, 2017 at 6:27 pm

    hi kamsi. i found love at 31.dont worry that man whose meant for you would find you.

  24. Tunde

    July 5, 2017 at 7:22 pm

    Oga you’re 36, you’ve played the field so you should know how this all works. Though I’d admit that 5 weeks is waaay to early to e expressing love, however, by now you should know if you guys are potentially on the same page or not.

    I agree with the other poster who said you’re coming off as desperate. I know as guys we are always expected to be on the chase, but you need to realize that there is a method to this madness. You have to pull a bit and push a bit. Chill till the weekend, hit her up, hold off on the midnight conversations and just be friends for a bit You should gauge as well to be sure that you want to be in a relationship with this woman. I think 5 weeks is too short for you to have made up your mind.

    From your post it seems like she’s the one doing the right thing. Pulling a bit and pushing a bit. I’d say she’s interested, but you’re definitely rushing things. Since you’re looking for a serious relationship, hold off, take your time, and enjoy the mating dance.

  25. LemmeRant

    July 5, 2017 at 7:37 pm

    So many people derailing this thread.

    Why don’t you just go an ask for your own advise from Aunty Bella.

    This is exactly why I hate nairaland. Person go create next thing their arguing bout a completely different issue.

  26. Ajala & Foodie

    July 5, 2017 at 7:48 pm

    The way I see it, the girl is only keeping you as an option. In my personal experience, with things like this, just like men, a woman just knows too when it is the right one. It has nothing to do with age gap, I know many with such age gaps in their relationships of which I am one. While I am aware that my experience may not run true for your lady. Her running hot and cold however, does not indicate someone who wants to take things slow but someone who for whatever reason is not ready to commit to you, her probable self centeredness does not want to let go of what she is probably considering a “viable option” I.e you. Now, the question is how do you feel about being labelled a “viable option”? .

    However, like I have said to women, if you are uncertain, ASK, it is that simple. Like I said my hubby and I have a significant age difference between us. When we started spending time together, I was the one that did the asking I.e what are we doing? If he had assured me it was nothing more than friendship then I would have insisted we needed to cut back on our interactions. Women however, do not hold some kind of gender license on asking that relationships be defined and putting boundaries in place. You can too! Sit her down and ask her point blank, if she’s still singing the friendship song. Then it is totally your call to decide if you are ok with another playing handbag with you and your emotions or taking control of this aspect of your life and putting boundaries in place. At the end of the day it is your call.

  27. Princess Sparkle

    July 5, 2017 at 7:55 pm

    Hi Mr. Unable,
    You sound like a good man and I hope you get the closure you’re looking for.
    However, if you’re open to making a new friend, here’s my email: [email protected]
    P.S. I prefer a 10K fun run to the 100m dash but I’m also cool with sitting in the bleachers cheering on all the other racers.

  28. Ije

    July 5, 2017 at 8:42 pm

    Dear Poster,
    I would advise you like I would a friend/brother/best friend, etc. My advice is simple: let her be. Short of groveling (which I hope you don’t plan to), you have laid your cards on the table, without losing your pride as a man. Just give her space. Don’t reach out, don’t call, nothing. In your quiet moments, the answer you seek will come. One of two things will happen in this quiet period: you’ll either find some other amazing woman who will trump Ms. 26 year old in all aspects, thereby erasing all your doubts, OR Ms. 26 year old will return. If the latter is the case, take the reins and tell her unequivocally what you expect- you want unwavering commitment that will lead to marriage. You will hold all the aces then.
    But for now, just leave her alone.

  29. californiabawlar

    July 5, 2017 at 9:12 pm

    @Ajala said it right in her first line.
    Babygirl doesn’t think you’re ‘the one’. If you weren’t moving so fast, she’ll let it ride out until she’s sure but since you tried to move too quick she kukuma let you go. I actually commend her for letting you say goodbye instead of stringing you along.
    Going forward. Give her space. Speaking from experience, at some point in the near future she will reevaluate whatever she had with you, and if she realizes you are ‘the one’, she’ll hit you up. You may have moved on when you hear back from her, but if not make sure you once again state what you want from her clearly… make sure she’s not back just for the attention. I’ve done this, so I know.

    Why you should consider my perspective: I’m 31yr old dating a slightly older guy atm. And if he says anything about love or marriage now, I will decline respectfully like your babe. If he waits one year, there’s a really good chance I’ll be all on board. Does he have one year? I don’t think so. Waiting for the breakup call any minute now. shrugs…lol.

  30. ababefromSA

    July 5, 2017 at 11:31 pm

    Sorry to derail.
    So, I’m a South African babe, 25, that wants to eventually settle down with a West African man. I like Nigerian people and have met and mingled with some respectable Naija men. Where does one meet a potential? Not a chancer or joker, rather, a man about his business as I’m a woman about her business as well.
    Help a sista

  31. 36andsingle

    July 6, 2017 at 1:25 am

    @kamsi..I am 36 and I still believe love will find me! I am a single mum and plus sized!! Lol…no matter the odds,ain’t giving up!
    Be positive, you attract what you think

  32. Deodon

    July 6, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    Bros,take it easy on the lady if she’s yours she will come around later,Wats urs will b urs.n to kamsi love will find u soon keep ur head high n don’t stop believing in love.

  33. Miss independent That's why i love her

    July 6, 2017 at 2:15 pm

    That girl is not interested in you and you are one of her options because it does not take a girl much time to make up her mind to date someone. She kept you in the friend zone level, it is either she has someone or she does not want to get into any relationship probably because she has been hurt before or something else is occupying her mind. My advice is that you should slow down a bit, don’t call, text her always, if she wants you she will come around so that you don’t appear desperate and irritating. Still look out for other girls you find love when you least expect it.

  34. ogeAdiro

    July 6, 2017 at 4:54 pm

    Oh boy, you need to let this one go. Even if she comes back and wants to fall on a sword for your sake, make she fall. Inconsistency equals disrespect and you shouldn’t let anyone disrespect you. But you need to also look at yourself. Because if she chased you and backed-off, then something made her back off. Age doesn’t matter. I’ve met girls younger than your 26 year old who would’ve gladly accompanied me to the altar 2 weeks later (and I am super flawed as per Naija standards). In fact, my 33 year old friend just got married to his beautiful 23 year old engineer wife, 8 weeks after meeting her.
    @Kamsi, maybe you will find someone, maybe you won’t. In the meantime, you can go and start one development initiative for your village people. Nothing like starting something bigger than just you.

  35. Akebaje

    July 8, 2017 at 7:22 pm

    How come noone has said the obvious? Both OP and Kamsi are single and want life partners. Therefore, they should hook up! You’re welcome…

  36. omote_des

    July 20, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    hmmmmm, my guy, i was like that before when i was her age(26) so many things on my mind then, job, money, look good, didnt want commitment, but now bro i am 36, i mean 36 yrs old. madam 30yrs, Love will find you. i wont hide my age for anything. there are still guys in their 40’s who are single. they will find me. i am busy working and living my life. bros abeg leave the babe for now, she never ready. just incase you wanna chat, thats my IG handle

  37. iamawesome___

    July 22, 2017 at 10:50 pm

    She’s not interested. You’re an option. Girls make up their mind about a guy quickly and decide which shelf to put him. I’m 26 too. I know. Shoot me a mail if u need to talk [email protected]

  38. Kzy

    September 3, 2017 at 4:07 pm

    Me that is 33 plus and not married. Don’t even have a boyfriend sef. I’ve somehow given up on love. At times I wonder if I’ll get married sef.

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