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#WomenNotSlaves: This Sad Thread Reminds us why Everyone’s Dreams – in Relationships – are Valid

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Sad stories like the one below are becoming more popular by the day as the world is getting more connected. It shows that these are issues that have been going on but just finding expression as the world becomes more close.

If not for anything, this thread tells us that everyone, as in, every human being’s dreams are valid and should be seen as important.

This is more important in relationships and marriages. We cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that for decades and centuries, women have been advised, sometimes forced, to sacrifice their dreams for their partners’ so as to “hold their homes together”.

Thankfully, this story is changing and this thread by Twitter user @KelvinOdanz should serve as a reminder that inasmuch as sacrifice is a very important value in relationships, it can be disastrous when only one person is the one making all the sacrifices.

Relationships should be about sacrifices from both parties, compromise, and belief & support in each others’ dreams.

 

See below:

This thread also reminds us that pressure (from family, friends and society) to get married is one narrative, although changing, that needs to be alleviated. It is something everyone needs to learn how to handle as well as contribute to destroying.

Getting married should be a personal decision, one that each individual should be allowed to be allowed to be as meticulous as they want when making.

What do you guys think?

15 Comments

  1. Ndi John

    October 5, 2017 at 11:57 am

    She was obviously in love. I would say, to love is not an achievement, any fool can love and fall in love. She obviously thought she would be valued for her loyalty to the husband, but given a choice of Lagos and Abakiliki, I know where I’d choose to live and work even if my angel dwelled in Abakiliki.
    Another thing I see in this story is also our worship of wealth, particularly ‘already made wealth’. I don’t know what she studied at Uni, but she failed to see that irrespective of her husband’s wealth, she could be of use the rest of humanity. She decided to throw all that talent away to go serve a man in a village. Her education didn’t serve her well at the end, unfortunately.

    • mz_danielz

      October 5, 2017 at 2:13 pm

      @thisthingcalledmarriage, a lot of Nigerians have low key psychological issues. abeg. I was studying some personality syndromes and I could actually identify people that fit into the category.
      The real koko is that in the mind of the girl, marriage was really the biggest achievement; that’s why she left all opportunities to stay back and killed herself when she died.
      Not everyone kill themselves, some bounce back, some become mean, bitter putting everyone down. We need to stop teaching our daughters to aspire to marriage

  2. Ephi

    October 5, 2017 at 12:00 pm

    At the end of the day, SHE made her choice. When she got the traineeship offer, they weren’t married yet he refused to let her take up the offer. Shouldn’t that have been a warning to her that subsequent opportunities will go the same way after marriage? Abeg, people should learnt to take responsibility for their actions & decisions.

    Not like I believe this story tbh, who will commit suicide after just 2 years? Like she doesn’t have her whole life still ahead of her… rolling my eyes.

    • Dt

      October 5, 2017 at 12:55 pm

      I wanted to say the samething. That the signs of supression was obviously shown when he said no to traineship. I got married in my final year, prior I had to do IT and planned on Abj, my then finance’s brother said no. But hubby was in full support – if he even suggested me not going, it would be signs that my ambitions may be subdued and I for run. Fastforward 6 years later, i have hard 4 years working experience, and a masters. Started phd recently, all supported by my husband. Morale: marry what you want
      Disclaimer: this doesn’t mean I have a perfect marriage

    • This thing called marriage

      October 5, 2017 at 1:26 pm

      I agree with you. The story seems very fatalistic to me.
      1. She had the choice to back out of the engagement. We have to be very clear about what we want in a marriage. If a woman or man is career oriented it only makes sense to marry someone who supports your dreams.

      2. I think the lady had low key psychiatric issues. The dissolution of a 2yr marriage is not enough to drive one into suicide. There’s no child involved.. 2 yrs is not 20 yrs…. She hasn’t been out of the job market for so long… So without the distraction of a silly husband she should be able to get her career back on track.

      I know there has been a lot of media backlash against marriage.
      I don’t think there’s anything wrong in people aspiring to marriage. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a life partner to grow old with and possibly children to nurture and love.

      A successful career alone is not fulfilling either, humans need meaningful relationships and family/communal life (married or not) to thrive.

      So ladies and gentlemen, if marriage is what you really want, pray towards it and do not let negative reports steal your joy. While you wait, build that career, buy that property/car etc. Have fun. Don’t put your life on hold or confirm to certain standards.

      Marriage is not the end all and be all, it’s part of your life’s journey. Your husband or wife is simply a companion as you trudge on your life’s journey.

      What is WRONG is building your whole life and happiness around the notion of marriage. And also giving your spouse the POWER TO RUIN your life.

      The institution of marriage (when entered into for the right reasons and both parties are reasonable) is a very fulfilling thing….and when it is done right I believe that is an achievement because a good marriage bears good fruits.

      Marriage (whether we like to admit it or not), is a traditional institution. Both partners are equal but have DIFFERENT ROLES to play. The man is the provider and protector (testosterone has made this so), while the woman is the nurturer (oestrogen and progesterone has made this so)- pure biology. This however doesn’t mean that a woman cannot have a successful career as a married woman or that a man shouldn’t do house chores and take care of the kids too.

      For a marriage to be successful, sacrifices have to be made where marriage is concerned.. though most times women are the ones whose career takes a back seat (esp when young children are involved)…. But this is where it is important to marry someone who wants the best for you.

      Some husbands do take the back seat for their wives’ career to progress… Esp when the wife’s career progress is for the good of the whole family.

      Decisions made in a successful marriage is always for the good of the family. This is where compromise is important. And in a successful marriage both husband and wife make compromises at different times to ensure the other party is happy.

      It all boils down to decisions decisions…choose the right partner.

      Moral of the story: The woman did not lose her life because of marriage, she lost her life because she CHOSE THE WRONG MAN.

  3. Naina

    October 5, 2017 at 12:20 pm

    This story isn’t quite adding up. I mean, women are stronger than committing sucide over not being able to bear a child and not having a job especially someone who completed NYSC??? Common man. The morale of the story is reasonable. I for one wish i had completed my MSC before getting married. Being married enables some sort of sacrifice. But sucide????? Naaa. No hot cake would do that.
    Women, learn though. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage-Pastor Bimbo Odukoya.

    • abby

      October 5, 2017 at 1:31 pm

      “Women are stronger than committing suicide over not being able to bear a child and blaa blaa” stop telling yourself that nonsense

  4. Femi

    October 5, 2017 at 1:26 pm

    She didn’t give up her dreams for marriage. She gave up her dreams for an irresponsible man. Big difference. I’m tired if this new age thing where everyone and his dog is talking shit bout marriage. We should look inward, are we really geared up for marriage or an arrangement things we dey look. Poverty is real my people and it affects not only the poor, even educated folk like this lady and her family. Let’s look at ourselves before damning marriage as an institution. Its such an shame these days seeing mentally immature people jumping into marriage simple because they now have money or is approaching “30” and gbege wan start f family and friends

  5. Miki

    October 5, 2017 at 1:30 pm

    And all of you sitting on your computers to claim she could not have committed suicide because of a 2 year old marriage or ‘women are stronger than committing suicide’ over bla bla bla have got to be living under a rock. There are BILLIONS of people in the world, how can you KNOW what people can or not do? Go away with your trite and condescending responses! Learn some empathy or school yourself enough to know how to pass on making sweeping statements about what you know nothing/or not enough of.

    • mee

      October 5, 2017 at 6:03 pm

      As in. Thanks Miki.
      I can’t believe what some people have posted so far. One even said that women are stronger than suicide after the dissolution of a 2 year marriage and infertility. Really? Do you know the mix of experiences that shaped her life up until that point to cause her to view things that way? Please don’t be the type of person that decides what people should be able to deal with or not. Remember that you have a very limited view of life, only able to see it from your perspective and what you know.
      I’m not saying suicide is an option. I’m simply saying that we should always take a step back and NOT assume that you understand where someone else is coming from.

      And to other posters saying people are damning marriages these days. No. Most people what a life partner to go through this crazy adventure called life with. If you look beyond the noise and can stop being defensive, you will realize that the crux of what people are saying is that something has to change in the way we as a Nigerian society view marriage. How about marriages that are sacrificial but also mutually beneficial and contribute to the growth of both people. That’s all.

  6. RIFF RAFF

    October 5, 2017 at 1:34 pm

    And the girl’s family did not help matters o!

  7. Simplymeana

    October 5, 2017 at 4:05 pm

    to start with,where are all dese ladies getting all dese heartless men from(dats if this story is true),biko enough of SM painting marriage like its one sad story.
    marriage is good,sweet & enjoyable if u open ur eye and marry d right thinking man for the right reasons.most ladies will see all d red flags in a man yet proceed with marriage den come to SM to be crying foul.
    Abegggggy

    • Mawi

      October 5, 2017 at 5:10 pm

      “most ladies will see all d red flags in a man yet proceed with marriage den come to SM to be crying foul.”

      This is the real truth! Unfortunately many refuse to take responsibility for their poor decisions. They refuse to sit back, reflect & admit their wrongs. Thereby repeating the same mistakes and ignoring similar red flags. Then they preach “all men are scum” when they refuse to open their eyes & senses in order to choose smartly.
      A friend of mine is dating a guy who beat her up badly on a street. Turns out it wasn’t the first time ‘but it used to be just slaps’. As I type, she has since gone back to him (again) but she can’t tell me or her mum cos we have warned her severally. Shebi tomorrow when he does something worse, she will cry foul and act the victim role? Knowing very well what she’s dealing with? I just tire.

      We see fire. We know it’s fire. We jump into fire because fire looks pretty and promising. When fire burns us, we blame fire for being… fire. As if we didn’t know that it’s in fire’s nature to burn

    • anonymous

      October 5, 2017 at 5:31 pm

      My dear, there’s one chevron engineer on my case, I want to marry you, I want to marry you but I no fit marry am;

      – Over jealousy worry am. Told him I had a vigil so I couldn’t see him and he responded that I should tell him if I have an appointment that he’ll understand. He actually almost followed me to a restroom when because he felt I wanted to give a guy my number.
      – He told me categorically ‘why are you stressing yourself over work. You’ll get a job in civil service once we get married just so that you’ll have something to do. I can’t count how many time he’s told me to leave the office and come see him during working hours just cos he just returned from site abi na offshore dem call am.
      – We were together one day to celebrate my birthday and he told me to pour drinks for one of his friends even though there was a waiter/server. When he noticed the way I stared at him he started going ‘he’s hosting us next week for a second birthday celebration and bla bla bla’.

      My friends say he loves me that;s why he’s protective, he’s a generous man, bla bla bla. Me, I just see him anytime I’m bored because for me kolewerk.

      The signs are usually there

  8. mee

    October 5, 2017 at 6:06 pm

    @ anonymous your friend probably loves you but is a monkey for saying that. Her definition of love is very warped. Is that how the love in Corinthians looks/should feel?

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