Aunty Bella: Miss. Should I Still Marry Him?

dreamstime_l_58147253Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.


I have been with this guy for 10years with no goodies, no gifts.

I pay 95% of my bills and I wasn’t complaining until now. He relocated from Lagos  five years ago only to turn into a different person (bad gang). Now he smokes weed, he used to dress very charming, looks great, smells fine and so much more, but now he wears anything and he’s not appealing to me any longer.

He finally came with his family to see my people last year for an intro…wedding date was fixed for January 2016.

Until now, I didn’t know he lost his job, now he doesn’t have a job nor income of any kind, I advised on a low key wedding but he insist on a paparazzi wedding meanwhile he doesn’t have a jack. Wedding date has been changed twice, as I speak, no specific date fixed for our wedding. It’s been over seven months since the intro.

At this juncture, my mum is beginning to have second thoughts to the whole thing as she now bent on me looking for another guy. I am beginning to lose it as well (love vanishing).

Please I need your candid advice on what to do – he’s 40 & I am 31. Thank you and God bless.

~ Confused………………………..

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76 Comments on Aunty Bella: Miss. Should I Still Marry Him?
  • keke driver February 17, 2016 at 4:21 pm

    My dear at 31 you’re still confused? ok this is my two kobo “NEVER MARRY A GUY WITHOUT A J O B”…..Gaskia!

    • Caligula February 17, 2016 at 4:47 pm

      Drop him oooo… Everlasting liability ni yen ?

    • californiabawlar February 17, 2016 at 8:10 pm

      Only that one? What type of 41 year old doesn’t have a job!! AND joins bad gang? A whole 41!! ara me riri mo rori ologbo late! tufia!!

    • Nahum February 17, 2016 at 9:43 pm

      The agbaya is still doing “awon goons mi” at 41, plus he is jobless and shiftless and you want to marry him….are you stupid?? You better go and find somebody else. Don’t believe the lies, there are PLENTY of men out there.

  • Debby Dibs February 17, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    Leave him. There is still time – 31 is not old – you will be found by a man that deserves you.

    • Minka February 18, 2016 at 12:50 pm

      You know what they say “A fool at 40..” He wants a big wedding with who’s money now? It’s obvious you’ll be taking car of all the bills afterwards and the weed expense as well. Leave him and I am sure in no time you’ll be with someone more responsible who won’t give you panic attacks. Sometimes you must let go of trash in order to make room for some freshness.

  • Teju TJ February 17, 2016 at 4:23 pm

    Please run like your life depends on it. This sort of man will frustrate you to bits. He is not a man and you don’t have to be the one to teach him how to be a man. This is ultimately equal to a life full of misery. When you marry him, he will be worse. Nothing will change. If you have kids, you will be responsible for everything 100%. O girl, tear race abeg.

  • Taiwo February 17, 2016 at 4:24 pm

    The answer is plain to see!! Would you really tell someone you love , like a sister or close friend to go ahead and marry such a person? Give yourself the same advice you would give to someone you love going through this same shit ( sorry, that’s what this relationship is).
    PS: 31 years, So??? You need to develop some self love baby girl, don’t put yourself through hell abeg

  • bebe February 17, 2016 at 4:26 pm

    hell no, please don’t marry him. Think of what your life after the wedding will be like. The marriage not your age is what is important.

  • zeal February 17, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    1. I have been with this guy for 10years with no goodies, no gifts.
    2. I.pay95% of my bills and wasn’t complaining until now
    3. You want a low key wedding because he has no job but he wants a lavish one because na you be the maga and have proofed same to him as listed above on 1 and 2
    4. I pray you receive sense to do what is right so that you don’t become the only bread winner in your proposed family.

  • Sandy February 17, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    Hunny..You should not be confused! Maybe its just me, but I get the feeling taht alot of time we women pray and ask God for signs that will either make us stay or leave someone we intend to settle with and then when God begins to open our eyes to some or even all of it, we end up not knowing what to do! Like seriously? If at 40 he aint getting it right , boo you are in for a very long, sad journey (ofcourse nothing God cannot change, but dont go in to a marriage union and start asking God why, cause he sure did show U all the signs….Move on! Goodluck x

  • Leo February 17, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    You are confused about what to do? Really?

  • billionaire in grace February 17, 2016 at 4:31 pm

    I am waiting for the advice to pour

  • Honeycrown February 17, 2016 at 4:34 pm

    Are you on drugs too? #NonsenseQuestionGba! ?

  • Tee February 17, 2016 at 4:34 pm

    Sista you are not confused. You know exactly what you want to do and what you should do, you’re here looking for support en masses before you finally take that step.
    Don’t get me wrong I feel for you. 10 years is not beans and moving on is not easy. Having said that, if you know you cannot truly say if you could marry him tomorrow and happily abide together with the way things are ,then walk. Turn to God and pray he blesses you with someone who will provide the financial support and materialistic things you clearly desire x

    • Amy February 18, 2016 at 11:54 pm

      D thing is…how come she stayed with him 10yrs ooooo…hei….i Cnt belivit

  • Ha! February 17, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    I think you know what you want but you want to hear it from another person, well here it goes NO! DO NOT MARRY HIM! if for nothing at all you should listen to your mum, a mothers instinct is sometimes all you need. All the best in your decision making. Above all, PRAY, get closer to God. If you are not at peace with something know it probably isn’t right.

    • Adaeze April 8, 2016 at 5:08 am

      Problem now is where will she start from looking for a new man at 31. Going through the whole dating process again in this era where there are too many loveless Unloyal men… It’s really going to be like picking a needle out of a haystack. But I’m in agreement, marrying this man is going to be a problem considering the fact that he has no source of livelihood and can’t carter for her

  • Sonia Paloma February 17, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    If it smells like a rat, moves like a rat, jumps and eat like a rat… it is most certainly a RAT
    You my darling know the answer to your question 🙂
    Enough said!
    All the best *hugs*

  • moimoi February 17, 2016 at 4:43 pm

    aunty my dear, can i call you foolish?

  • Le coco February 17, 2016 at 4:49 pm

    Please.. A forty year old man tht behaves tht way is not marriage material.. my dear un for your life.. u are at an advantage because even your mother thinks you shld run for your life.. He doesn’t have money but he wnts a big wedding? no ways m my dear.. ditch him.. you r only 31.. u will find ur right fit

  • Unoquestion February 17, 2016 at 4:50 pm

    My apologies to the author. I think my people have answered you.
    Sorry to hijack this post but I have a question. Can nigerian females can travel to Dubai alone? I read somewhere that they have to be 40yrs and older or be accompanied by a 40+ person with the same last name. I see nigerians going to Dubai for weddings and was wondering how they go about it.

  • Mrs TrustMe February 17, 2016 at 4:59 pm

    I haven’t even read the article but since you even have to ask the question, my advice to you is to give yourself six months to a year even. Things always become clearer with time. And pray very hard. Its just not worth getting into if you are unsure because your concerns may just be valid. Now I will read and see if theres need to change what I have said

  • coco February 17, 2016 at 5:11 pm

    You are not confused dear, you already know it is the valley of the shadow of death. You are just being sentimental because of the time you have known each other. He is self destructing right in front of you and he is not even trying to be responsible with his 40 years old self. Marriage is suppose to be “for the rest of your life”, that is a pretty long time. People change. You have changed. He has changed. Wish him the best. You will find your own.

    Hope you make the right choice for you, your future children and your family. Cheers damsel!

  • chi-e-z February 17, 2016 at 5:12 pm

    Why BNers always advising people to quit their man. I’ll go the opposite way No stay find out maybe depression making him act up. If you can take care of both of you why not ….. Girl bye I couldn’t even last long with this he 40 acting like he still a lil boy oh h#ll nauw. I’ll join the bandwagon berra say bye felicia and stay’ll survive. I’d rather be alone forever for 5 lifetimes than deal with a GrownA$$Boy I’ve enough to deal with from brothers and father 😀

  • bonnie gee February 17, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    Arent u al tired of “shud i marry him”? wen u knw u shud… as my mum will always say “u beta use ur head b4 i use slap reset it 4 u”

  • prince February 17, 2016 at 5:29 pm

    All this yeyecious questions about should I marry him or not. Your brain don die, you no know wetin you want. Haba, Marry Him please

  • ada February 17, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    Why is your mum the one having cold feet? Dont you have mind of your own to discern what is good or bad?

  • Ms Lily February 17, 2016 at 5:41 pm

    My dear please walk away. Don’t ask me why because you know why you have to walk away. Don’t be scared because of your age, you will find someone soon.

  • mz adaure February 17, 2016 at 5:56 pm

    One word RUN. @ 40yrs he I jobless when would he get a job? Sister u g0 turn family donkey

  • OLU February 17, 2016 at 6:05 pm

    Am just just going to repeat what someone comment on one of the post of this week………………Ma je ki aye fi opolo e Tamba (don’t allow people use your brain wash yansh)….That is if they haven’t already..bye

  • Kelechi February 17, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    You should stay, this is clearly a test of ur resilient. Besides you are 31, and it gets extremely hard from here. Infact you might end up being single if you miss this opportunity. Don’t believe the hype, scarcity of men abounds.

    • californiabawlar February 17, 2016 at 8:17 pm

      Lmao!! Tell me you are being sarcastic….pleaseee! say it aint so! Well, you are right sha, this story proves that MEN are scare looto, as in cos this one she described is not man! It is boy fa! Make we check am….1. Joined bad gang, 2. doesn’t dress well, 3. smoke weed, 4. doesn’t have a job, 5. is entitled…shuuu, does that not sound that 17year old at your street corner?
      My dear, IF you’re not joking, please receive sense along with this sister and STOPEET!

      • Mz Socially Awkward… February 17, 2016 at 11:48 pm

        If it’s Kelechi, best believe that he’s NOT being sarcastic.

        Bless his cotton socks. ?

    • Nahum February 18, 2016 at 12:13 am

      @kelechi, I have noticed your comments and I have always wondered about you. Now this statement just confirms that you are one big desperado that will marry anything, even a serial killer. Maybe that’s why you ain’t married???

      • Kelechi February 18, 2016 at 5:51 am

        I don’t blame you, when she hits menopause at 35, you wouldn’t be there to console her. I don’t know why everyone thinks she should leave, we are talking about 10 good years here. Just support the man, I believe soon you will reap the fruit of your labour.

      • californiabawlar February 18, 2016 at 8:27 am

        Lmaoooo! Menopause at 35? Boy whatchu smoking?! I have confirmed what my sistren were saying….sense is not your friend!

      • nwanyi na aga aga February 18, 2016 at 11:09 am

        You ppl should not be listening to this kelechi boy, the one that thinks handing out money for abortion to his girlfriends is his sole responsibility. msheeeeew!

      • kele March 16, 2016 at 3:01 pm

        LOOOOL. I really think I should change my name. This unstable Kelechi fellow makes me look bad.

    • Taiwo February 18, 2016 at 11:35 am

      I think Kelechi is the “man” the lady here is describing

    • Amy February 19, 2016 at 12:01 am

      Omo I hope u are being sarcastic o

  • Daizzy February 17, 2016 at 6:14 pm

    Aunty please receive sense!

  • Asgrl February 17, 2016 at 6:15 pm

    LOL Stay jor. Maybe you are the Angel Gabriel or Michael sent to lead him to heaven..

    • whocares February 17, 2016 at 8:21 pm

      @Asgirl- LMAOOOO. To lead him to his eldorado abi. lool. some people sha.. Ahan. So for 5 years you have been footing his bills (he has been in out and of job I assume? you cant even be sure cos you only just found out he lost his job.. ) say, even if aiye ti fedi si oro the man, se after 5 years its not enough for him to tie his belt and find a solution to his life? He is still there, newly or ‘oldly’ jobless we cannot say, with his weed and you want to plan wedding.. err planner of the millennium, plan now, go and marry. Please invite me. I like gizdodo and Guinness. If the man does not love himself, dont you love yourself either? Love is not blind and it is not destructive. You are not being “supportive” or loving by indulging him and putting yourself through this. All this makes you is a 30 year old dummy. Awi tan, she is telling us “the love is clearing” because it is like film trick abi? It is theatrical smoke.. You dont love him. True love does not indulge this stupidness. If he were your brother or son what would you say to him or do? You would have lit a fire on their arse and told them to sort their lives out.
      Marriage? for better for worse and all that jazz and you want to shackle yourself with someone who is not giving you the best of themselves and does not seem to be trying? That and him is what you deserve? Ahh, you have disappointed yourself lai semi.. its your mom having cold feet and finding you replacements. gan sef… You and the man both have issues; you more than him. He is fecked up sure, but you, you need to step back and find yourself again (I honestly dont know why I am so angry. lool) You are a grown ass woman so stop thinking like you are fecking 12 year old polyanna. Your mom is finding you replacement.. egbami ke. Is it replacement you should be finding now or your brain and sense of self?
      When I initially read this I thought to myself “no job, weed, isnt young love sweet” (cos really and truly, the weed smoking is not even the problem.. – in moderation its not a crime, dont crucify me jare) until I now read that he is 40 and you are 31. Your mom ought to smack you.
      oooohhhsa.. ok I am calm now. sorry for the harsh words o, but you asked for candid advise na and that was how the spirit directed me. lool

  • ACE February 17, 2016 at 6:21 pm

    Confused???? How now ???? Please a man that has no job has no business getting married and smoking weed … Hmmmm my dear I don’t know why it’s confusing RUN!!!

  • Nikkydee February 17, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    My dear by now you shld knw what is best for you. @40 he is not working and you dated him for 10yrs taking 90 percent of his bill.. My advice to you is to look for someone else but dont quit him yet. Until you find a good person. Do not think because you r 31 you need to rush things. Just wait

  • tatafo February 17, 2016 at 6:37 pm


  • Titi February 17, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    What I’m wondering is why it took you so long to get to this point. The red flag has been there since ….forever! Again,I can’t figure out the reason/excuse you’ve given yourself for being with him this long. You described an irrational junky who can’t keep a decent job or cater to his own needs. Hmmm. What advice do you want now?

  • cindy February 17, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    Being with a man is hard enough. Being with a broke ass nigga is………….*insert adjective*. A fool at 40 they say…………….Gurl, think of the kids. Think of the kids. Even you would be embarrassed if at a family outing, your kids are turning to you to buy them things instead of their father. You will soon get tired of footing all the bills. Receive sense IJN.

  • Asake February 17, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    My dear, ask yourself some questions

    1. What do you expect from your future husband – Emotionally, Financially, Spiritually , Socially, physically? Can your fiance meet up to your expectations?

    2. Has he shared the source of funding the elaborate wedding?

    3. What are his income generation plans?

    4. Does he still do weed, dress unattractive and are you ready to leave with this?

    If after asking the above questions, you are sure you still want to go ahead – then do

    Marriage will go through ups and downs, Men do have egos and do not act well when the woman is the sole breadwinner. Marriage should be enjoyed..

  • as February 17, 2016 at 7:14 pm


  • For real? February 17, 2016 at 7:16 pm

    Are you sure you are 31? Have a job yourself and are successful in your own right? If yes to any of the above, then run, do not walk, do not pass go and most certainly do not marry a never do well. Think of what you want your future children to see. Should you choose to go against the advice you asked for (and everyone here has given exactly the same advice), then no crying to anyone and no asking God “why?”. later. Okay?.

  • Ayo February 17, 2016 at 8:12 pm

    You BNers are funny oh! There are so many red flags here. This man is already a HUGE liability . Those saying stay, Will y’all be there to bear the financial burden also, When kids Come and shes on BN soliciting for funds, will you people help? Will you not send her back to her husband that’s incapable . Your mouth like stay
    U Already know the answer to this. Be brave and Go for it. Ignore what people say. Don’t think too much about the age Factor, Nigerians are forever forcing people into managing marriages when one has reached a certain age. Remember those that forced you into it will be no where when it goes bad. By then they’ll start giving you the talk ” all men are same, manage him, you already married once, no one once a divorcee” go with your instinct and you’ll look back after a few years and thank God you did end up with this guy.

  • a confused man that is happily married February 17, 2016 at 8:31 pm

    all of you that keep wishing for big weddings or those that keep fantasising on bella naija series of extravagant weddings.. abi you see am??? if this man can demand for a big wedding without a job how much more those men and women we don’t even know that even go as far as borrowing money that they know they can’t even pay back even if it is instalment payment. Aunty (Name) please don’t be stupid!!! Yes don’t be stupid!!!! why are you even tolerating a man like this. this man does not have a job, he lives a false life (greediness) why should any mature lady in her 30s even be dating a man like that let alone marry!!! in deed women are their problems!!! life is already hard but you want to marry a man that will eventually kill you plus the challenges life brings to you! people think marriage is like dating (boyfriend and girlfriend). i swear… i wish you marry this man maybe then you will learn that men like these only come to destroy ones life.. I’m sincerely tired of some dumb grown ass women!!! women should grow up, yes grow up!!! what is wrong with most Nigerian lady!! you guys should stop tolerating men that act like babies…. if you were my sister i will be very disappointed cause my mother did not bring you into this world for you to act so darn ignorant!! wake up!!!

  • Remi Tulker February 17, 2016 at 8:37 pm

    Am a guy and I totally understand, nobody wants to see his sister enter a lifeline of debt in the name of marriage and emotional trauma because you said “I Do” to a liability.

    key points to assist you

    1)What do you want in your marriage and husband,does he posses those qualities Yes/No

    2)Does he still have prospects even after loosing his job.

    3)When last did you fast and pray about his life and your future (Mfm deliverance 3 days, can help u out)

    4)Do you still love him?

    5)What did you see in him, that made you hold on for 10 years….you were 21 now your 31,what can u see in him now,Do you think you can survive like that in marriage?

    • nwanyi na aga aga February 18, 2016 at 11:17 am

      Wait o! She should go to deliverance cos of her man? As in the guy be chilling puffing his original Jamaican weed, then she will be fasting without water for 3 days and people be pushing her head shouting “Out!! You demon! Out! for him? Or Did i get you wrong? Nna kowalum aghotasirom ifea idee ( Bro explain to me I didn’t fully understand what you ve written)..

    • Ify February 19, 2016 at 2:12 pm

      why should I fast and pray for someone who isn’t ready to do that for himself

  • Blueberry February 17, 2016 at 8:38 pm

    Take off your shoes to run well my dear. That relationship will only destroy you eventually. You deserve better.

  • a confused man that is happily married February 17, 2016 at 8:42 pm

    and I’m sure one of the reasons you wouldn’t mind marrying him is cause you think time is running out and maybe you’ve invested so many years into this relationship but if you think thats not true and maybe you’re thinking of marrying him cause you love him.. let me be the first person to say is (you are a joker) go back to the bible and read the definition of love!! a word of wisdom… it is better to be a single woman than to be an unhappy married woman or marrying a man that has all these traits. i don’t care if you’re 40, i don’t care… please leave him and believe you’re worth more cause my dear you are worth more!!! it breaks my heart to see how women create problems for themselves. leave him!!

  • miss pee February 17, 2016 at 8:51 pm

    I’ve being there and I struggled when I heard God clearly and saw the signs I was trying to negotiate with God until I eventually received sense. I ended it.

  • lovemeforme February 17, 2016 at 9:13 pm

    I tire ohh….10 years…what is the meaning of dear no one can tell you what to do…they can only advise you.and it’s completely up to you how you decide to utilize this advice…RED FLAGS are everywhere…don’t ignore them…and don’t think that he will change overnight…if he changes at all…sorry I am speaking from my own personal experience…we can’t tell you to leave this man….,obviously you two have been together for a long time…10 years no be small thing!!!! Please use wisdom and ask for God’s guidance with regards to your situation..because the worst thing that you can do to yourself is to enter into a sacred bond where you are not happy, you discover that you have nothing in common with your mate, and you can’t even consider your mate to be your friend. You have a lot to think about-but the most important and pivitol decision that you can make it to call on God-because He will direct You.
    Igbo Kwenu!!!!!

  • Tosin February 17, 2016 at 9:21 pm

    good time for him to marry you.
    good time for you to adopt him.
    God bless you for your kind assistance.

  • Chi2 February 17, 2016 at 9:56 pm

    You are confused?really? I am going to be 32 this year and i left my ‘abroad’ husband that i traditionally married 2yrs ago. That was after i found out dt he had plans of making me a ‘nigerian’ wife and 2yrs of not seeing his breaklight even though he has his complete papers. So my dear dont be fearful of the future, summon courage and be confident in yourself and call the whole ‘situationship’ (cos dts what you are in) off. You are worth much more.

  • naijamess February 18, 2016 at 12:19 am

    I dont think u are confuse, you date him for Good 10yrs and you saw the signs you still continue the relationship.maybe there is something in him that makes you to continue the stupid blind love.
    You think marriage is joke or a toy that you can play with then throw away in a second when you get tired.
    You better leave him asap because believe me you will regreat it later. naijamess. com

  • Budget office staff February 18, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Why do i feel that this story was made up? Another male bashing article. Please marriage is not by force.

    • Ready February 18, 2016 at 12:20 pm

      @Budget Office staff, so do you have any scoop on the budget mafia that inflated our budget? Other than the DG, are more people getting fired?

  • sandy February 18, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    my dear run and run for your life im in such a marriage now exactly like what u wrote above and i regret it so much all because i was blinded by love now im the sole bread winner and shoulders all the whole family , children and extended family responsibility my dear its a very bitter pill to swallow dont even try it else……

  • Ybbil February 18, 2016 at 4:08 pm

    10 Years???? You gyuys are married already. Stop disturbing us.

  • Aaron February 18, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    Why da f**k you lyingggg

  • Amy February 19, 2016 at 12:04 am

    Looool…kai…I like you abeg

  • Amy February 19, 2016 at 12:06 am

    The otumokpo that this our uncle did for dis our aunty is strong sha….i have pleeenty tins to say o….but I think this is okay

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