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Aunty Bella: Miss Heavy Heart

BellaNaija.com

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Dear Aunty Bella,

I have got this heavy load in my heart and it is rather unfortunate that I have no one to tell because I am scared of getting the wrong advise. I need your help please.

I am from a family of 6 where I happen to be an only girl with 3 brothers. My family (including extended family) is particularly over protective about me but lately I have been given a free hand because I am a graduate and now have a job. I am 26 yrs old.

I met a guy in 2008 July precisely,he is 15 years my senior. He is every inch a nice person although he has his bad side. He talked about settling down and I was (and is still) game.We have been dating and everything seemed ok till November 30th 2009.

Prior to this time, I had always wondered why someone of his age was not yet married. He gave an excuse that his last relationship lasted 5 years and the lady eventually called it quits for reasons best known to her and eventually got married to a legislator. He also said she was a single mom. At some point I became apprehensive about him leaving me or the marriage thing not working out.This thought always got me depressed and made me cry. I feel my world would crumble if I don’t marry this guy. That is how much I am in love with him.A lot of people have known us together as an item and he has even gone to see my parents.

On the 30th of Nov.,this same apprehensive thought reared its head in my mind and I began to cry, I was in the office at this time and alone. Coincidentally,there was a tap at the door and I hurriedly began to wipe my tears before the door goes open. The door went open and there he was. He noticed I had been crying and immediately sensed it was about him. I couldn’t deny it. It was at this point he told me that he had something to tell me.He said this thing made him foot drag about the wedding process. You can imagine my curiosity. He said he had mumps when he was a child and it has affected his sperm. According to him,each time his ex took in,she always had miscarriages and when they consulted a doctor,who asked them to go trough some test,it was discovered he had Low Sperm Count with weak cells.

This revelation devastated me.I have never been this confused in my entire life. My boyfriend also said he looking at the option of assisted pregnancy (IVF and other options). He says he is scared of putting me through the stress of assisted pregnancy techniques. I love him and I am willing to go through it with him.

My worry:
My mom’s younger sister married a man with similar problems and he has been treating her unfairly.They have been married for 15 yrs with no issue. Her husband is so adamant and is not willing to go for any form of treatment or assisted pregnancy.

Now my boyfriend having gotten my assurance that I will stand by him says he is going to see my parents in January, but I am so scared. Scared that he will behave like my aunt’s husband (She hasn’t seen him in d last 3 months, he claims a woman now has a son for him!).
We also had an agreement that after the introduction, we would try assisted pregnancy, wait till I get pregnant ,before we go ahead with the marriage. But the amount (cost) for this is so huge!

What do u think? I am in love and I am scared stiff….

31 Comments

  1. unbiased

    December 15, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Everyone after me is going to tell you to pray but note that when you do, you wont hear a loud voice giving you an answer.
    I would say pray and do what your heart is comfortable with. I believe the Holy Spirit leads us if we would only let Him.

    In life there are NO guarantees. He may or may not treat you well (irrespective of the issue at hand).
    Life is a gamble. Live it and pray that whatever comes your way God give you the strength and grace to see it through.

  2. PET

    December 15, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    @Unbiased…. u’ve just said it!

    At the end of all the comments, you may just end up more confused, but please realize its entirely your decision, cos you get to live with the consequences of whatever you decide!

    If you do not object to pre-marital pregnancy, then its okay to try your option, but if having children is so important to you (which i know it is), tread softly. Remember that getting pregnant is not synonymous with having a child, things happen. Artificial insemination is not always 100% reliable too.

    And whether you like it or not your faith and prayers would play a major role in pulling this through.

    Besides, there is a lot more you two have to iron out, you must be sure his stories are true…. i mean, are you sure he isnt married and just trying to get a child off you? If he kept it away that long, do you trust him enough to be sure there arent other things he is keeping?

    Remember, no matter what we all say, the final decision is yours… just as the consequences too… Good luck!

  3. chika

    December 15, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    I wish I know what to say to you. Well, if you love him, go ahead and marry him. Hopefully, everything will work out fine. Just make sure you pray about it first. Good luck.

  4. ChaCha

    December 15, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    You should have peace not fear when entering into marriage. Something is fundamentally wrong if you are getting depressed,crying and scared stiff. So my advice is for you to heed the warning signs until there is peace in your heart. You are brave for sharing this, God has big plans for you, my answer to you may seem simple but we humans try to complicate a lot of simple things. May God be with you.

  5. JehovaJireh

    December 15, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    @Unbiased
    U’ve said it all

  6. Just saying

    December 15, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    so hang on, is the sole purpose of getting married having children?? come on! this guy has at least admitted to having a problem, give him some credit and trust the the lord will be with you, i dont think u should be comparing ur aunts situation to urs cos like u said, her husband isnt prepared to go for any tests or do anything about it, urs has offered to at least try IVF even before u get married? so why r u still feeling heavy?

  7. Maddy Hale

    December 15, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    You seem very afraid, probably this is not for you. You don’t have to do this out of a sense of duty and loyalty. There is nothing wrong if you cannot handle this kind of stress not everyone can.

  8. NotNaija

    December 15, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Are you a christian? Have you had an encounter with Jesus? The bible tells us we should not have sexual relations outside of mariage. The way you feel about this man is not right. There is more than meets the eye. If you are a christian, please turn to God in prayer and fasting and repent for not seeking His will firstly and abandon all forms of sin. He has a wonderful plan for us only if we are in His will. If you are outside the will of God, you will enjoy the wonderful plan of the devil.
    Be blessed!

  9. Ekene Onu

    December 15, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    First of all, your world will not crumble. I know that emotion very well and it is based in fear not love. No-one, especially not me, can tell you what to do. But if indeed you have all these questions and concerns, you should have them answered before entering what is meant to be a lifelong contract. Marriage is no small thing. Jump in, jump out…No matter how many people you see with jump rope, they cannot tell you how difficult it is to jump once you see you have made a mistake.

    I hate how much pressure our society puts on us women to be married. You are completely whole just as you are. When you love someone it is a wonderful complement to your life.

    Like unbiased said before me, pray and listen to your heart and not your fear. If you choose to go forward then move with confidence. If you choose not to, move with the same confidence. Come what may, a man can’t make you or break you.

    Be loved. Be well.

  10. lara

    December 15, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    our heart is the God we know and can be trusted. if your heart is feeling this way it is because there is more that is yet to be revealed. after all whats the “biggy” about low sperm count; medical research shows that 70% of men have it & can be treated.
    there is more to this than you can imagine,follow your heart girl,its hard but it pays off at the end.
    we’ve got your back!follow your heart and back out.

  11. lara

    December 15, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    our heart is the God that we feel and can be trusted. your heart is feeling this way because there is more that is yet to be revealed. afterall was the ” biggy” about low sperm count; medical research shows that 70% of men have it and can be treated.
    i can guarantee you that if you have a 2nd thot in your heart then you need to back out. its hard,but you will see the reward in a few years. i’m married so i know what i’m saying.

  12. Anon 722

    December 15, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    I am so sorry that this is your dilemma, I know it must be really hard. I am a doctor and can tell you that whilst this looks bad, it is not impossible! You will need to get a fertility check if you stay with him because if your odds are good (my first presumption is that they are with your age) then you can both surmount this!
    You will not believe the advances that are available but I must let you know that it will cost.
    I suggest you and him talk about going to a doctor that specializes in fertility because the post investigations, you can have a much clearer picture. Which country are you based in?

    However you must decide what is more important to you. I do not suggest you use your aunty as reference because it seems the men are different! Your aunty’s husband has probably not faced or wants to accept that he could be the source of a problem and so translates that back onto your aunt. I think your partner has already/is dealing with this.
    If you feel you love so much that the possibility of not having children with him is not enough to scare you away then go through with. However if you are scared that your heart will not survive almost being married to someone and then having to start again aka fear, then re-evaluate all your steps and think even more carefully about this decision!
    Either ways, you will be in my prayers.

  13. Mo'mentum

    December 15, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    First of all, my advice for you is to pray, pray and pray some more. Ask The Big Man upstairs to give you direction in the decisions you make from here on out. I have a feeling you need more reassurrance from your man or you have more questions to ask him. List down all of them, and ask him until you are satisfied with all the answers… Or until you figure out that you love him enough to stick with him despite everything.

    It is true that out society puts so much pressure on us women when it comes to childbirth. But hey, procreation is not always the ultimate. Lifetime companionship, love and friendship with your partner will see you through, long after the kids are gone from the nest.

    If you feel like you have asked all the necessary questions, and you still have that nagging feeling, then take a step back. Perhaps what you need is a little time off. Don’t just brush him off…it’s hard to hurt someone for a crime they did not neccessarily commit. If after all is said and done, and you’re still not convinced, girl, move on. You are still young, and by the sound of it, you have a good heart. Your happiness is what counts. And also realise that not people are the same, your aunty’s husband is not the voice of all men.

    May God bless you in making a decision.

  14. B!

    December 16, 2009 at 12:10 am

    I got one thing to say, do not marry out of pity. The average man that cheats or treats his wife badly is a father. Having a child/children does not guarantee that a man will treat you right.

    Low sperm count is nothing to some people and to some it’s a deal breaker. Adoption is an option. Wonder when Nigerians will see that it aint such a bad thing to adopt.

  15. necole

    December 16, 2009 at 1:03 am

    Firstly, i would go straight to the point. You may not like what i have to say, but sweatheat you gotta wake up and smell the coffee. At 41 this guy knows exactly what he wants. Going by your letter you sound desperate, which he obviously senses and uses that to his advantage by telling you want you want to hear. It is possible he has a low sperm count and all that…. but i’m sorry i’m not buying that. Why can’t he give you a specific reason his ex left? and you mentioned she is a single mother, is the baby his? sometimes you have to read between the lines and go with your instinct, you crying and feeling depressed won’t and can’t help. He knows you love him and should have told you what the problem was earlier. He’s not the first person with such medical condition and as a matured 41yrs old he definately knows better. Marriage is not something you intend to run in and out anytime you feel like it, it requires careful consideration. You are still young there is no need for rush. You need to pray about it, date other people before making any lifelong decision. You seem to be a smart young woman, and maybe there’s not enough information to go by about this guy, but my personal opinion…. He’s not very convincing. do a little “homework” of your own and pray about it. I know it’s hard cos you really love him, but sweetheart you have to think about and takecare of you.

    Goodluck.

  16. bebe

    December 16, 2009 at 2:05 am

    what kind of stupid comment is this? what did the girl ask, what are you talking about!?!?!!?
    i tire 4 una on dis website sef!

  17. Kemchi

    December 16, 2009 at 2:23 am

    I totally agree with you, well said.
    I had a relative in a similar situation, but her husband stood by her. Several years of fertility treatments followed and she eventually conceived; after 15yrs of marriage. I know from her situation it wasn’t easy but it was definitely worth it, and she was a prayer warrior too :-).
    Bottom line listen to your heart, it’s different strokes for different folks. Don’t measure your chances of success or failure by other peoples situations. Good luck with your decision and I hope it works out for you.

  18. MiaJadore

    December 16, 2009 at 6:13 am

    My advise would be for both of you to see a Doctor because low sperm count can be increased in some cases. There are some factors that contribute to the condition such as diet, smoking, drugs, infection, medication and even stress. A Doctor might recommend some vitamins for both of you. Your husband might have to loose weight if over weight and or change his diet. You might have to adjust your pattern of love making. As women need to get to a certain weight just enough for menstrual cycle, your husband needs a few more mls of sperm to get you pregnant (depending on his current count). But he has to put it in the right place and at the right time (if you know what I mean)

    Having said that, you need to decide in your heart if this is the man you want to be with. You know him better than any of us here, and it is your call if he is worth taking risks and the pains that might come your way in the future. Please disregard NotNaija’s comment, you think you’ve got? she is a mess and doesn’t even realize it. GOOD LUCK!

  19. Omosexy

    December 16, 2009 at 7:17 am

    Honestly, u are the only one that can decide. I am a 27 yr old woman with early menopause aka ovarian failure aka the entire plethora. Dating is hard enough, bcos a lot of nigerians focuse on marriage and childbirth. You cannot fault someone for something that is not within their control. Your BF has the most basic xter needed for a relationship, he was honest with you. Honesty doesnt always work out for the best. In your case, what u need to weigh is if ur love for the person is greater than anything else. If the answer is yes, put that 4ward to God in prayer, and he will give you what he intended for u.
    I have been dating a guy for 1 yr, and i told him about my situation upfront, and his response to me has been he is ready for whatever may happen, as he knows God is on his side. You dont want to reject or leave happiness on the basis of such a situation. Pray, discuss with ur partner, and know what u are both in for. Explore the options together, but dont let it be the definition of ur relationship, if not it will consume u.

  20. chimene

    December 16, 2009 at 7:42 am

    I agree with Lara,take ur time !don’t rush!u are still young !

  21. kole

    December 16, 2009 at 9:02 am

    I sense you are the one putting so much pressure on yourself because you sound to desperate to settle down.
    your b/f did well by telling you the truth, but girlfriend be careful and investigate this issue, the heart of man is desperately wicked…so tread softly.
    i believe you are young and beautiful, the thought of marriage should feel you with so much joy not fear….if you have no peace in your heart then run, while you can in….so you don’t rush in and rush out.
    The issue of marriage is to big for you to handle take it to God in prayer…..he will surely lead you.

  22. ladi

    December 16, 2009 at 9:38 am

    what about adoption?

  23. specialyankychic

    December 16, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Boy am i impressed, its not easy opening up like this but your story would help a lot of people in similar circumstances.
    Thanks a million for sharing, God bless

  24. misusdee

    December 17, 2009 at 7:39 am

    Listen to your heart sweetie! Your heart will tell you the turn to take and I pray God will lead you. But you are starting with doubts…..have you turned to God? Low sperm count isn’t always equal to not being able to impregnate….See a doctor, read up on this as much as possible and talk to your man! God bless…X

  25. Estella

    December 17, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    sweetheart,
    The Bible says we are gods and God has given to us the power the change circumstances. Yes, decree that ur fiance is whole, and it shall come to pass. The word of God works, so cheer up. Pray to God and sow a seed continuously for his good health.God told Abraham that his seeds would be as many as that stars in the sky,for all generations. we are his seeds, and thus the blessings still follows us.Whose report will you believe? The Doctor’s or God? Low sperm count or barrenness is NOT IN THE BIBLE.in 3John 1, God Himself wish above all things that we prosper, be in good health even as our souls prospereth. PUT YOUR FAITH TO WORK, if Father Abraham can have a son @ 100yrs of age, honey, you both will have your own kids, with your husband to be”s sperm fertilizing your ovaries. Do NOT take that doctor’s report, HE IS NOT GOD your creator. GOD CREATED US ALL THAT HAS A SPARE OF EVERY PART OF OUR BODIES,TRUST AND BELIEVE HIS WORD,He says everythin that comes out of his mouth WILL NEVER go void without accomplishing wat He sent it to do. HE NEVER FAILS, go on with your marriage plans, i will pray for you.

  26. uche

    December 17, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    This is really serious. PRAYER+ REASON = SOLUTION

  27. Sasco

    December 18, 2009 at 12:15 am

    My dear there is nothing that God cannot do, trust me, if that guy is ur husband and he is honest with his predicament, God can iron out any issues inorder for his name to be glorified.It takes faith and prayers for things to turn around. If it is God’s will, go ahead.Please know that fear comes from the devil and it will only lead to confusion. I wish u the best.

  28. lalala

    December 18, 2009 at 4:58 am

    point of correction for the article, low sperm count is almost equal to infetility, this would not affect the pregnancy after the woman is pregnant. The man is either lieing or stringing her along. Miss heavy heart needs to research deeper into the man’s background. Please dont marry out of pity, you’ll most definately regret it.

  29. Dami

    January 20, 2010 at 4:21 am

    Right! point of correctn u r nt ‘in love’ why? bcs d bible says perfect love casts out fear.so if u r clinging unto dis man and carryn d cross dat isnt urs bcs ‘u r 26 nd u r scared of loosing a 41 yr old man’ then sit dwn and reconsider this ur love. Haba have u prayd abt it? Is he ur missing rib or a missing rib? Babes think wit ur head o.if God hasnt given u grace bcs its nt ur cross nko? Can u endure it? I study medical law nd ivf is stressful nd very expensive nd there no 100% trust dat it wld work.be patient 4 God pls b.

  30. ijay

    September 19, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    simply bcos it happened to your aunt doesn’t mean it would happen to you ok? yours might be the ground breaker. for the fact he opened up to you must mean something babe! like everyone’s been saying, pray and trust God and your heart. IVF is expensive but also seek herbal treatment u know like fruits and good healthy foods which are cheaper. if you love him and he loves you and God meant for both of you to be together, you wont need any artificial help. “pikin go full your house remain” lol! good luck

  31. Old School

    September 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    I dont think you should get pregnant for a man is not your husband…. If you love him, you should be satisfied with your choice to be with him despite his reproductive issues. If you married him and he was in an accident and couldnt walk.. it would be the same precedence.. so make you choice based off principles, not emotions.

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