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FRIDAY TRACK: Break Up 2 Save Up

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A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever cost me so
I need to know what I’m doing wrong
and if I’m leaving you on for too long
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I’ll know never to date a locally assembled again
You can complain to my house help or even the gardener
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never lub you right?
Did I always start too late at night?
Either way, I’m going out of pocket
all the answers to my questions
I have to find

Leseid, I never thought I’d write this letter to you but after a 2-hr conversation with onakim, I felt it was only appropriate for you not to continuously keep me in the dark. Our journey started seven years when my mother encouraged our courtship, for a long time I hid in her shadows letting her adopt you as her responsibility.

It wasn’t long before she decided that I be a man and took you on myself and the rest as they say is history. Our romance although initially full of promise has been littered with many start and stops, we could rival the 1960s Volkswagen Bettle model used by Yinkus driving school in Bariga.

When we first met, everything seemed so right, you were so brand new and although I initially thanked my parents for bringing you into my life and into our home, it wasn’t long before I realised you were just another case of high maintenance. Yet you complain I never do anything for you.

In the last year alone, I have ferried you back and forth on the third mainland bridge, on nights when I have been tired and in need of fresh air, but I always do as you wished. I serve you in your chosen cup, I give you monthly massages, I have your trainer Austin on my payroll, I have done everything a man could do for his better half yet you perpetually deprive me of basic rights such as watching my favourite Mnet series shows.

I have shared my last N500 with you, and you never ask if I can actually afford to spare that money, you always demand and demand in ‘000s. You constantly cause friction between me and my siblings; we are constantly fighting over you. You always put me in an awkward position whenever I have to ask them for something on your behalf. You’ve turned my entire family defensive and I guess you can’t blame them – no brother or sister wants to see their younger one been taken advantage of.

The fact is you’re temperamental and too eager to shut down. You must always get your own way and only after getting what you want are you willing to shed some light on my needs. The truth is, I’m getting sick and tired of this and after years of coming home worrying about whether you’re home or not, it is all taking its toll on me.

I won’t say you have trust issues because quite frankly you’d be silly to. I’ve never tired to drink from your beloved Jerri can or asked to share your plastic water bottle with 25 written on it. I make sure that you are home before 9pm because I know you get grumpy if I don’t pick you up from work before the lights go out.

Still I can’t keep you happy or turned on. And although you’ve never complained, I know I don’t turn you on because you shut out after 1am like clockwork.

You are mean to my friends whenever they come around; you force us to open the windows in this heat just to keep them uncomfortable so that they can leave quicker. And it’s not like you want to spend time with me alone either, you’d much prefer to chill with at least 4 of your National friends.

You moan and groan all night even when we are not sharing bodily fluids. Your voice is by far the loudest in the house and by the comments from our nosey neighbour; when you start you really let everyone know that I want some.

I was thinking yesterday that we never speak about the man who introduced you to my mother, your Uncle Apen. I was gonna call him to complain about your behaviour then I realised he doesn’t have a contact number but I think I may have seen his pickup around the estate earlier with a ladder in it (I’m not sure why he had a huge ladder at the back of his pick up)… oh shit as I write he’s actually at my gate, let me see what he wants.

Hold on, he’s climbing up the electricity poll in my compound….how odd!

Cut!

Oh snap! I just realised that I’ve spelt your names backwards all along.

So long diesel, I’m in love with a beautiful virgin called retrevni….sorry I make the same spelling mistake again.

This week’s Friday Track is Rye Rye ft M.I.A and the song is called ‘Sunshine’. Yes o wa talented, yes o wa gifted!

25 Comments

  1. ochella

    December 3, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    all for inverter? lol

  2. lola

    December 3, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    LOL. No words to you. Rennaissance Man…you are just the BOMB!!!

  3. Miss ATL

    December 3, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    LOL. Clever

  4. xyz

    December 3, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    concept…. just too tight

  5. Nneka

    December 3, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    LOL LOL LOL LOL….R.Man you are so sick! LOL too funny!

  6. beezy

    December 3, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Sorry…this one fell flat!!

  7. steezy

    December 3, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    lol nice

  8. inverter love

    December 3, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    looovvveeed it! just started using an inverter too. Still in the early stage of out romance. Hope it doesnt turn sour

  9. sensation

    December 3, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    lol. U got me!

  10. wendy

    December 3, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Diesel and Mikano!

  11. dlapikin

    December 3, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    love this!!

  12. Kilon sparkles's number1 admirer

    December 3, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    kilonsparkles….u re killing me softly wit ur words…

  13. Bee

    December 4, 2010 at 1:30 am

    lmao…u wnt believe i Googled leseid, thinking it was a word. But I go it as soon as I saw Uncle Apen. Nice one!

  14. Ready

    December 4, 2010 at 2:31 am

    Hehehe….hilarious. Great improvement from last week.

  15. Divine

    December 4, 2010 at 11:20 am

    I have to admit, i had to read till the end before i realized you weren’t talking about a woman! So funny, i read it twice…about to read it a third time, lwkmd!

  16. afrianchikito no.1

    December 4, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    you got me on this one!NICE!

  17. Oma

    December 4, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Hmm….Got me.
    usually doesn’t take me as long as it did to figure out a twist.
    Nice one.
    http://lifethroughomaseyes.blogspot.com

  18. pizzazz890

    December 4, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    i actually got to the end before i figured this out!!! really good

  19. shade

    December 4, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Sweet Friday track.

  20. NNENNE

    December 5, 2010 at 5:33 am

    R. man what makes you think somebody else wants you after the way you are dumping Leseid. All you write about is everything that she did wrong.Does it mean you are perfect?What did you do wrong in the relationship? Tell you what? You do not deserve a virgin, and a go- go cann’t accept you either! May be I get you a man…one that is just like you.Swollen headed!!!

    • Ready

      December 5, 2010 at 10:33 am

      Chai! Nne, why you dey vex? Why the overreaching now? It’s a story. About diesel. And locally made generators. The farthest extension would be that this is a jab at the federal government and the inability to provide stable electricity and worse still, their inability to regulate locally assembled generators in the country. Chikena!
      But somehow sha, man pikin drag the tori reach Maiduguri all the way from Lagos and made it about relationships. Omo, eru n ba mi o. I fear you.

  21. luscious lush

    December 5, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    hahaha!TRM rocks!

  22. Janez

    December 7, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Bravo man!!!! I;m always eager to read your write-ups. Keep it coming…

  23. oppsie

    December 11, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    good write up, passed up earlier in d week cos i tot it was another love story gone sour, read out of boredom and i must say big ups. but sha o comparing a woman to diesel gen….mind ur self o . women are not temperamental like that.

  24. omotee

    December 17, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I am in love with your writings dammit… you are good

    LMAO

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