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For the Fashionistas & Wannabes – Fashion Rules For A Red Carpet Event!

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For all you fashionistas and wannabes these are exclusive Rules of Fashion you must take before stepping on The Red Carpet.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for laughs. Any similarities to people alive or dead, real or fake are entirely coincidental!

 (1) You must wear hair that is long and fully loaded with things you cannot explain- whether it’s from a dead woman or it’s manufactured no consign you. And even if you have dandruff and rashes after loosening the hair, you can still proudly say, “I had longer hair than the next lady on the red carpet”.

(2) Your face must be so heavy with make-up as if it is about to drop to the floor and making it hard for you to look straight but at least you can say “I have finally gotten the chance to look like Kim Kardashian.” (Even though you look more like Lil Kim).

(3) You feel tonight is your lucky night on the red carpet and you feel like blinging it out, so the shine shine go make fotografa notice you, so you wear a lot of jewellery; bangles, rings and things to accessorise your dressing. Even if you’re so tired from carrying so many heavy metals on your body and you have to still keep smiling for the camera, at least you can say, “I am sure Cleopatra would be so jealous that I have more jewellery on me than she’s ever had.”

(4) Your dress is so tight to show off your curvy silhouette and your stylist tells you to wear a corset. Even if you find it difficult to breathe, you can still be rest assured that you will have a tiny waist to show off to BellaNaija paparazzi.

(5) You want to wear an off shoulder gown and you cannot wear a bra because it will spoil your picture perfect gown and even though your breasts are playing peekaboo with the hem of your dress, as long as you adjust it every 5 seconds you can say, “I’m better than Tara Reid that let it all hang out.”

(6) You want to pee, but there is still a million and one interviews you have to do on the red carpet and there is no way you can possibly do that, so you pee on yourself and say to yourself “At least I am wearing a black gown so no one would notice.” You tell yourself you’re better off than Fergie who peed on herself on stage at a Black Eyed Peas concert. But you’ll smell foul the whole night and when you’re asked by your co-stars why you smell like that? You’ll say, “It’s the pesticide I am wearing on my hair to kill flies that might want to bother me because of my cologne.”

(7) Your want to show that you have a flawless and radiant skin to make sure you are perfect for the red carpet, so you wax your whole body shouting with pain. Even if you lose your voice screaming, you can gladly say “At least I have hair free skin.”

(8) It’s summer time and you want people to think that you had a wonderful time on a beach so you fake tan your whole body and show it off on the red carpet. When you’re fined by the Fashion Police, it doesn’t matter, at least you got the chance to show everybody how you could be more orange than the fruit itself.

(9) Your shoes are so tight because they were a size smaller because they didn’t have your size on sale. So your feet are screaming out for help all night. When you get home and have sores all over your feet and you can’t walk for 2 weeks, at least you can gladly say “I walked down the red carpet with Christian Louboutins.

(10) You are not happy with the way your body looks, so you go for a breast implantation and buttocks augmentation. Even if you turn out to be a failed plastic surgery scenario like Heidi Montag you can say, “At least Keira Knightley would be completely jealous of me.”

So ladies know now that the red carpet isn’t something to play with. The divas that have been there know the pains and if you must join the league of the countless number of people walking the red carpets yearly, and to be on BellaNaija.com’s Red Carpet Fab abi Red Carpet Fail (for some people o) then you must follow these Painful Fashion Rules For A Red Carpet!

Photo Credit: n4bb.com
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Damilare Aiki is a 17 year old graduate from Airforce Secondary School, Ikeja. He lives in Lagos state and is currently interning at BellaNaija.com. He recently gained admission to the University of Lagos to study Medicine and Surgery.  His hobbies are travelling, writing and meeting exciting new people. He is a social, friendly and hardworking young man and has been a welcome addition to the BellaNaija team.

39 Comments

  1. sheisnice

    August 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    cant stop laffing
    nice one

  2. Geez!

    August 5, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    “But you’ll smell fowl the whole night and …”… Fowl? ok ok I’m getting you. Like the Chicken coop shey?

    Eezorai… carry on

    • Ema

      August 5, 2011 at 1:17 pm

      No. Probably meant “foul” as in not so nice…I noticed other as well, but i guess it was edited in a hurry.

  3. Aibee

    August 5, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    @Geez, the young man wrote foul and not foul.
    That said, well done Damilare. These your rules are something else. Good to know we have at least 1 smart dude who is not fazed by the fakeness called the red carpet.

  4. nwando

    August 5, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Hehehe. No tanning for d naija babe though. Bleaching is more like it!t
    Nice one Dami.!

  5. Lucy

    August 5, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Hahahahahahaha. This is so hilarious. I just can’t stop laughing. Na wa o. All in the name of walking ored carpet. Hmmm. Won’t be surprised if someday we hear of somebody dropped dead on a red carpet. Ouch!!

  6. Lucy

    August 5, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Hahahahahahaha. This is so hilarious. I just can’t stop laughing. Na wa o. All in the name of walking of being in a red carpet event. Hmmm. Won’t be surprised if someday we hear of somebody dropped dead on a red carpet. Ouch!!

  7. adaeze

    August 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    lol
    i hpe some of dem naija red carpet wannabes are reading it

  8. zeenie

    August 5, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    LWKMD… its all true….

  9. Titi

    August 5, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Can’t stop laughing, great write up Dami!

  10. mimilavander

    August 5, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    well done damilare…………………good start

  11. sandra

    August 5, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    lol cant stop laughimg here

  12. Makida Moka

    August 5, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    LOL Damilare. Great start!

  13. samsiebop

    August 5, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    For a 17year old dude u will make a fabulous doctor that’s coming from a doctor..u have certainly got the eyess to notice what matters…and some certain stylists and fashion people do have a lot to learn from and should be challenged by your writing..I’m way proud of you buddy..keep it up!

  14. Tiki

    August 5, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    LWKMDFH…’breasts are playing peekaboo with your dress…!’ Good one Damilare.
    ps. Not to rain on ur parade or anything, but re 4); the expression is ‘you can still rest assured’ and not ‘you can still be rest assured’.

  15. -----

    August 5, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    I don’t find this funny. Such negativity, this is how they grow into chauvinists. Young man if you must write, write something remotely funny or POSITIVE!

    • ghettodreamz

      August 5, 2011 at 7:17 pm

      i 100% AGREE WITH U….
      JUST SOUNDS LIKE ANOTHER CHANNEL TO HATE ON FEMALES.. VERY BORING AND UNNECESSARY

    • Fan

      August 5, 2011 at 8:54 pm

      I agree it’s not funny but it’s oh so true

  16. royalhottie

    August 5, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    lwkm! roflmsao
    nice one

  17. omoge

    August 5, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    it is the make-up that cracks me up. what’s up with the blue eyeshadow look?

    http://diaryofsnw.blogspot.com/

  18. Itweetnaija

    August 5, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    LMAO @ number 6…“It’s the pesticide I am wearing on my hair to kill flies that might want to bother me because of my cologne.”

  19. mary007

    August 5, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Totally off the hook!!! except for number eight which does not really apply to BN red carpet as we tend to bleach in place of tanning

    • nephetiti

      August 6, 2011 at 2:49 pm

      haha, iAgree with you on that! and please can someone please tell these guys that we are not in New York, ‘murses’ are not cool, however metrosexual you want to be plix.

  20. MumyZee

    August 5, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    i luv u damilare..hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.WORD!!

  21. Tiki

    August 5, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    BN I don’t see my comment oh! Wassup with that?

  22. Kemchi

    August 5, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Not bad at all. Erm, but what about d brodas nau?

  23. keisha*

    August 5, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    good job! really nice…..

  24. cathy

    August 5, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    lmaoooooooooooo

  25. beauty

    August 5, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    very funny but what he wrote is soooo.. thru i have pics of pple looking like they chased them out of the house to attend the red carpet event just stay true to urself nd stop doing things over the top

  26. sade thompson

    August 6, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Very interesting take on the superficial way of life we are adopting from the west. We need to be more in touch with our natural selves or at least do things in moderation. I am glad he graduated from my alma mater. I see him doing well both as a doctor and a writer. More grease to your elbow

  27. Choc13

    August 6, 2011 at 5:38 am

    Its funny and also the truth. Even funnier coming from a young man. Yall shld forget d typo n stop playin editor. Don’t u get d message? Una must show una sef. Dami- nice one. Will be looking forward to more creative writing on less-bashing topics from you…….

  28. Ready

    August 6, 2011 at 9:48 am

    I didn’t find it funny, but most of it is true. Hope a male version shows up soon.

  29. funkysoft

    August 7, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    NICE ONE DAMI, U HAVE SAID IT ALL

  30. me

    August 8, 2011 at 10:55 am

    “be rest assured?” Special 9ja english. It should be “rest assured”, the “be” is superfluous

  31. sleame

    August 13, 2011 at 10:55 am

    All I wanna do is Just meet you! Dayum! This is EPIC, I overlook all the blunders! Its so 10/10

  32. Onyx

    August 15, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Too much female bashing, Damilore… hope you can write a piece in the future that takes on both sexes equally because they both epically fail on the red carpet…

  33. kem

    May 10, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    kill urself for just one night………………..hahahahaha and saw i saw myself in the red carpet ishhhhhhhhhh, lwkmd

  34. kem

    May 10, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    kill urself for just one night………………..hahahahaha and say i saw myself in the red carpet ishhhhhhhhhh, lwkmd

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