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Nigerian Wedding 360° From The View of Naija Single Girl



Last Saturday, I was fortunate enough to attend a friend’s wedding. From my observation, there are too many people who attend weddings to do anything but sincerely celebrate with couple. I am guilty of that too. The reason I went there was to fulfil all righteousness, because I had a minor disagreement with the bride prior to the wedding. I was meant to be one of the asoebi girls but mehn, when the bride calculated the amount I was to pay for asoebi, shoes, hair and makeup, it took over 70% percent of my salary.

If I had complied with the bride, I would have had to trek to & from work the following month and probably go on 30 days dry fasting just to make up for that money. Because the groom will make me an assistant wife or what? Oh na na! #salarynotforasoebi

Back to our story! Let us start with the couple. At 10am, sounds of ‘this is the day that the Lord has made’ fills the church’. The couple dances in with the bride pulling her groom hand like a butcher taking a stubborn goat to the slaughter house. Rumour has it she wore her engagement ring for five years. Just look at the way the bride dances, it’s easy to tell it is dance of victory/ freedom. The bride is followed by her wedding train composed of her bridesmaids and groomsmen. The light skinned ones are usually made to walk directly behind the bride; while the disgruntled looking dark babes, that are probably dissatisfied because of the amount they spent, tag behind.

Next comes our aunties and mummies of the day. They are the ultimate matriarchs of the wedding. It is obvious they must have thought the wedding venue will be an open arena with excessive sunlight or torrential rainfall. This is why our mummies were cautious enough to wear rooftops over their heads. If you don’t pray well before attending a wedding, a mummy might seat in front on you and render your eyesight useless with her canopy. The aunties are also those women with trafficating lights on their blouses. Sometimes, I actually hear the sound from those tiny stones.Bing! Bing!! Bing!!!

Then we have the friends of groom usually in their late 20s to their mid 30s. These men drive straight from the gym and they will return there when the wedding is over. How else can one explain the bottled water they are always holding? Let’s call them “the Macho men”. They are the 6ft2 guys and the owners of the sport cars at the church car park. The macho men are the best dressed men at the wedding but girls, don’t even think of falling for them! These set of men have vowed to remain bachelors till they clock 55.

Now the wedding reception
For the average Nigerian, the wedding officially begins at the reception when LUNCH IS SERVED! Nowadays, smart but not so rich couples might fix their church service in Lagos and take their reception venue 200km away just to discourage the food maniacs from coming. Elite couples might fix theirs at a 5-star hotel, few metres from the church, but set up bouncers at the gate to separate the sheep from the goats. Either way, you will still find these category of people:

The Wanderers
Unlike the ‘macho men’, these set of boys are the ones that left their homes (that’s if they have one) with a very important item. A spoon – in their back pocket. Their first stop was at a soccer viewing centre. After their team Chelsea defeated Arsenal, they hopped into a random wedding reception to celebrate at the expense of the couple. They are usually shabbily dressed and before the invited guests from church arrives at the reception, the wanderers have popped the bottles of wine and cleared the small chops at the tables. Arrest them!

The Oga PataPatas
These ones are easy to identify. They are so fond of the bride, to the extent that they choose to dress in a white gown just like her. Society calls theirs Agbada. I once attended a wedding where one third of the Oga Patatas were made up of the bride’s ex sugar daddies. (I know these things). All things being equal, the more the number of sleeves in his Agbada, the higher the table he is taken to. The Oga PataPatas are CEOs of multinational firms and traditional rulers. They have the money and they are at the wedding to spray it.

The Creamy Babes

They are the fairest among all in the land no thanks to their bleaching creams. The creamy babes are usually the last to arrive at the reception. They want to be cynosure of all eyes because they believe it is not just the couple’s day. It is theirs. Only a quarter amongst these set of girls have an IV. The rest of them are guests by associations with the ones with an IV. These ones are the easiest to spot. The heels of their shoes are usually higher than their IQ, while their Brazilian weaves are longer than their life span. Most of them have a really nice figure and the only way they can show it off is to clad themselves in a gown three
sizes smaller. The creamy chicks want to be perceived as beauties…..and brains, so they strut around the reception with an iPad.

Five minutes after the reception is over. The true character of everyone is revealed.
-The bridesmaids are in one corner fighting for souvenirs. Asoeobi money must not waste.

-Mummies and Aunties are in one corner with their friends. Gossiping on how to protect their husbands from the creamy babes.

-Macho Men are seated at the hood of their sport car; still deciding whether to go after the ‘creamy chick’ with the attractive cleavage or her friend with the larger than life ass.

-The wanderers want a souvenir too (like the food was not enough) and they’ll love to go after one of the bridesmaids in their Leggedes Benz but…God punish them!

-Oga PataPatas are with the couple, pouring heart warming wishes and taking pictures with them. Don’t forget they are our VIPs.

-The Creamy Babes know they have few minutes to get the attention of either the macho men, the Oga PataPatas or the Oga Patapata’s driver in a worst case scenario. So they strut around like the reception ground is a runway, doing the doggy and the catty walk. They want a souvenir too, but they are afraid of falling their hands. Occasionally, they go on short breaks to take selfies. Of course, they love the cameras and the cameras love them too.

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Naija Single Girl is the chairlady of all single girls in Nigeria. Follow her on Twitter @naijasinglegirl

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