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Aunty Bella: Mrs. Rebound

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Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

***
Good morning,
I just read Isio’s phone check two days ago not knowing it was going to happen to me so soon. I am a 33 year old married lady living in the UK. I love my husband so much and he says the same and we are happily married. It’s all laughter and happiness and we hardly fight or have any issues and do most things together. We married a little over two years ago and I had to relocate from Nigeria. My parents had a very horrible marriage and this made me give my marriage my all with my mantra being that I must be happy at all costs.

I have sacrificed a lot for my husband and I keep bending over backwards for him all the time in all areas you can think of financially and everything. To the main gist.I was applying for a job for him yesterday and I needed to send the application from his mail box and I woke him up to sign on for me. He did and went back to bed and after sending the application I went to his inbox and stumbled on a chat between him and his ex that he had saved in his email.

They broke up before we met and when they tried to mend fences he discovered she was pregnant for someone else and she said if he really loves he would accept her with the pregnancy and he said no and we met about a year after and dated for a year plus and got married. It goes this way they started by exchanging pleasantries and continued thus

Ex: How are u

Ex: How is your sister

Hubby: Fine thanks

Hubby: She is fine

Ex: She don marry

Hubby: Yes

Ex: Really

Ex: Who

Hubby: She had a baby recently

Ex: Really

Hubby: Last month

Ex: Good news

Hubby: Her school mate

Ex : Where does she live

Hubby: From oceanography

Ex:  Really

Hubby: Hendon

Ex: The same Place

Hubby: No

Ex: K

Hubby: Different place but still Hendon

Ex: Ok What about u

Hubby: How?

Ex: I miss u

Hubby: Ahh

Ex: Lol

Hubby: I missed you too

Ex: U should have married me

Hubby: Yes you didn’t stay with me

Ex: I did I really loved u then

Hubby : Me too

Ex: But did not understand you . U just changed

Ex: Where do u live

Hubby: But we allowed external forces to come between us

Ex: I know

Hubby: How did you not understand me

Ex: Now am married don’t love my husband

Ex: Lol

Hubby: ?

Ex: Lol

Hubby: I m so sorry

Ex: It’s ok

Ex: I wanted then,When I had my baby,But u did not want me anymore,Where do u live,I loved you with all my heart

Ex: Where do u live

Hubby: It was hard for me then

Ex: Why, Do you still want me now

Ex: Lol

Hubby: Still had feelings for you but things had changed

Ex: Really how

Hubby: Wish I could change the hands of time, I m married now

Ex: Me too,Really,Lol,U joking,Who

Ex: When

Hubby: School mate from Unilorin

Ex: Really,Congratulation

Hubby: Oh thanks

Ex: Do u love her, Send me her picture

Hubby: After some time after we broke up my friend said I couldn’t remain that way and I was really hurt after you left & missed you so much

Ex: Broke up from who

Ex: Really

Ex: I never left u left me

Ex: Who broke up with me

Hubby: it was then I really knew how much I loved you but you were pregnant

Ex: Really

Hubby: I didn’t leave you

Hubby: You just decided to shi mi Le

Ex: I still love u

Ex: Lol

Ex: No way u did

Hubby: So it was that our mutual friend that introduced us from unilorin

Hubby: she was even in Nigeria then

Hubby: & you know before person knows it family etc start putting pressure on one say go marry etc
Hubby: I know my family were not good to you

Hubby: Most especially my sister that you even knew

Hubby: So I don’t entirely blame you for your actions back then

Hubby: Are you still there?

That was how the conversation ended. I feel so shocked and betrayed and cried my eyes out yesterday and am still so disappointed that he could be telling an ex that they were supposed to marry each other and wish he could turn back the hands of the clock.

I feel so hurt that I wish I could lash out in a way that would really hurt him. This is someone that I practically do everything for. I couldn’t even continue the other job applications yesterday I had to shut down the computer after sending the first one.

I feel like confronting him but he has some issues at work at the moment and I am waiting till Monday after he faces the panel to confront him. This is someone that I cannot even list the kind of value I brought to his life and he knows too and he’s there wishing he could turn back the hands of the clock. We are about buying a property and I will tell him I’m not interested anymore and we should just do things solo since he can turn back the hands of the clock anytime. I am just babbling as I’m still in shock and do not really know what to say anymore.

Please can you tell me maybe I am the one over reacting and reading more meanings than intended into the chat by asking BN readers what they feel.

Photo Credit: footage.shutterstock.com

116 Comments

  1. ella

    April 11, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    Hmmm pele

  2. Rynyx

    April 11, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    I know this feeling. I used to feel this way about Hubby and his Ex. I had to bring it up with him. truth is, we met at a time when we had both just left toxic relationships so we helped each other heal. his ex apparently had a strong hold on him and we had to talk about it when we decided to get serious. you need to calm down first and then bring it up with him. you really have to be diplomatic in your approach or you may not achieve the desired result. wish you luck.

    • Gym

      April 11, 2014 at 2:35 pm

      I agree.. I am not married but I believe you should not stress yourself out over this. Notice where the ex asks him to send a picture that does he love you? your husband ignored that. I like that at least he mentions to her that he is married now..some men will deny or say “im married but wish I could leave”. I do understand your hurt at his communicating with his ex..your original intention was to send the job app and u moved into reading his email. That may offend your husband too..I think you should calm down and sit down to talk about it with him rather than just lashing out. Understandably, emotions can cloud your thinking and words but you may not achieve much. Give him the benefit of the doubt and let him explain himself. Make him feel u trust him regardless, he may be very likely to open up to you more about his feelings…from the convo, I think that stupid ex wants to destroy your marriage since she doesnt love her husband . Don’t draw conclusions too soon my dear..id say be very careful tho.. all the best in your marriage.

      SIDE NOTE: y’all see that ex who doesnt love her husband???enough proof that you can be married and still be lonely or not love the person u are with…my point???DO NOT rush into marriage cos of pressure from family and/or friends

  3. Ade

    April 11, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Dear poster
    Be strong . Very strong. That must have been hard to read but the key thing is you are married it him and you can fix this. Have a honest conversation with him and say what you saw and how. Don’t throw away plans of buying a house based on an incomplete chat. It is well. If not for this, would you doubt him…?

  4. Nigerian Radio Stations

    April 11, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Very hard one but men like to make women feel good so I doubt he means everything he said as par turning back the hands of time. No doubt he had strong feelings for her but this is really nothing to worry about, he didn’t even answer when she asked where he lives (up to 3 times). It must be hard for you but take your time to get over it and then speak to him about it.

    • anon

      April 11, 2014 at 6:13 pm

      I agree. His initial pause made me feel like he didn’t wanna hurt her.

    • camo

      April 11, 2014 at 9:54 pm

      I noticed that too. That showed some respect for d wife

    • Chimamanda's Main Squeeze

      April 13, 2014 at 7:39 am

      camo, anon and Nigerian Radio Stations, are you guys sick in the head or just plain stupid? Suffer-head women.

    • camo

      April 15, 2014 at 5:52 pm

      Chimamanda’s main squeeze nne I am not sick in the head, neither am I a suffer head woman. Infact I just left an altar bound relationship cos of infidelity. But I also know when our emotions are just playing us and escalating issues that are not really there. If the man u are with has an ex, believe me they are having worse conversations than this. I say this cos I know men. For eg my last ex told me that he is just marrying this lady that he would soon take down the aisle cos i refused him.. I just shunned him cos I knew that was a terrible thing to say. I know what guys and their ex can gist about especially if they had nice times when they were together so pls I am not sick in the head at all.

    • Nike

      September 23, 2015 at 5:00 pm

      Exactly my point.. There is something about the way men like to make women feel and this is why you need to pray and communicate. It’s hard for a man to say ‘oh I don’t love you, I love my wife and don’t ever get in touch with me ever in your life again. Many responsible men don’t want to talk harshly to a woman and this is why your uncle may not permit you to leave home and rent a place but stress your older brother to find a place asap. I am also yet to see the man who respects a woman who fell pregnant for another man and wants him to accept her with the pregnancy. Why didn’t your husband get married to her then. Have you not seen people elope to get married. Remember the fact that you relocated and not him. If he still loved that woman for real, he would have married her in the UK and damned relatives. Guess your husband just had to make the girl feel good. You need to stay prayerful and watch it. You also need to make progress, continue with the job application and home buying, that does not mean that you should not have your own investments even if no ex was involved. You are happy and she is not happy so please choose to stay happy and don’t let her infect you with sorrowsad virus.

  5. Troll

    April 11, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    *clears throat in Swahili*
    Nne, I don’t even know what to say or rather I don’t know how to put it. Sometimes, the people we love, tend to love someone else. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love us any less, there’s just someone out there that really has their heart. It’s unfortunate but I think that’s the case here. It’s obvious that if not for all the obstacles they faced, your husband would have married his Ex.
    My advise: You guys should talk about it.

  6. Annon

    April 11, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    I think a lot of us humans – male/ female can easily jump to concluions that might not be exactly accutate.

    Have you thought of the possibilty that the dude might have just been stringing the ex along so as not to hurt her feelings even more. IMHO i dont think the man loves is wife any less cos of the what was written in the email chain. BTW wetin carry your eyes go de do gbeborun?

  7. Ify

    April 11, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    hmmmmm….u never know what you will get when you start reading your spouse’s messages. Anyhow, my advise would be to not make a decision from this conversation, you cannot judge what he actually feels from that. I believe you should know if your man loves you. You have every right to ask for an explanation from him and then make a decision after hearing his explanations. From my own experience, I will say that the conversation is not worth much from both ends, its just mindless chatter in an attempt to see what the other’s response will be.

  8. Bunmi

    April 11, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    It’s nothing.
    He already said he ‘missed her’ then … meaning he doesn’t miss her now.
    he was just being polite to her.

  9. Alero

    April 11, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    I would say you should calm down my dear. Just think: what if the chat was deleted? You wouldn’t have seen it and thus wouldn’t be this mad. You wouldn’t have known either. If its eating you up so much, you would need to have a heart to heart discussion with Hubby.Let him know how u felt after reading the chat even though you weren’t supposed to. Pls ditch the “cold treatment”. Above all, pray that God will distract him from his ex and vice versa. My 2 kobo 🙂

  10. tola

    April 11, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    I am shocked beyond words. I practically read the whole conversation with my mouth wide open! I’ll advise that you allow him sort things out at work first and then you can take it up with him..You need a whole lot of wisdom in handling this issue.

  11. kkk

    April 11, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    Hmmm(sigh)..
    And you really think the best idea will come from here? Don’t complicate your life my dear, this is the time to be wise as the serpent….You need wisdom from above to deal with this… For example, that the guy allowed you into his E mail box tells me this may not be as serious as you think although it calls for caution……The answer is in You with help from above…

  12. Godfreak

    April 11, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    Well, i dont think you are overreacting or your feelings are abnormal, i would have felt the same way, every woman wants to be her husbands only love and fantasy. However, its not an uncommon thing to see men startg and encoraging romantic conversations with their exes, men can be easily carried away…except the very disciplined ones. I would advise that you confront him wen ure calm, not even because of the contents of how the chat went but just to let him know that you are aware and tell him he needs to stop. Even though he told the ex he wished he could turn back the hands of time, the truth is he is married to you and like you said at the beginning of your write up, he loves you and you guys love eachother. Let him know how you feel about that statement and how much it hurt you, you should demand an apology if he doesnt give and he has to promise such annoying conversation will be stopped. Dont know what else to say, but I hope i made a little sense. Above all, i think this ex is just a distraction, a devilish one at that, that breaks homes, so get on your knees and fight her in the spiritual. What God has joined together, let no EX put asunder….

  13. Swiss

    April 11, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    My feelings are hurt and its not even me! Just reading it alone! Bible says “flee ALL APPEARANCES of evil”… that means, there are just some situations you should NEVER put yourself in just for the sole fact of how it represents you to your partner.
    As a married man, why are you even entertaining this? Because there is nothing right now that will change the fact that regardless of how “harmless” this chat may have been , he has hurt his wife immensely and broken her trust which will open a can of worms for so many other issues to start coming in. A boomerang chain of events have been set in motion simply because of a “chat”. Was it worth it? And may I ask – WHY DID HE SAVE IT? To keep reminiscing? To decode/decipher something he may have missed? Why?
    Ugh!!

  14. Dudu

    April 11, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Hmmm it is well in Jesus name. We can not really advice you on what to do since we are not in your shoes. Take everything to God, his your only helper

  15. SpeakNoEvil

    April 11, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    This is a difficult and delicate matter. You have to change some things about yourself starting with NOT bending over for your husband in everything. Marriage is a two way street and as such, both parties should compromise, not just one part doing all the compromising. Secondly, let go of that fear that is forcing you to compromise yourself all because you insist your marriage must be happy. There is no guarantee for that. It will be great/awesome is your marriage works and you are happy, but if it doesn’t work, I want you to believe that you will be okay. Marriage is not a do or die affair. Finally, you are not reading too much into the exchange between your hubby and the ex, so you should decide how you want your marriage to proceed (if you want it to continue). Lay down the law making it clear that that behaviour is unacceptable and then tell him how you are both going to proceed. Don’t try to hurt him as he has hurt you because two wrongs don’t make a right and an eye for an eye makes the world blind. Just be honest and very clear on what you want for your marriage. This is an oppounity for you to draw very clear boundaries in your relationship.

    • chu

      April 11, 2014 at 4:56 pm

      YES MARRIAGE IS NOT A DO OR DIE AFFAIR, BUT SHE CAN’T BEGIN TO THINK OF ENDING HER MARRIAGE BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE READ. WHILE IT HURTS, ITS ONLY REALISTIC FOR THE MAN TO STILL HAVE STRONG FEELINGS FOR HIS EX, SHE NEEDS TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT IN A VERY CALM MANNER BUT TRUST ME OVER TIME HE WILL FORGET ABOUT THE EX AND BE THINKING OF JUST HIS WIFE. LEARNT FROM EXPERIENCE.

  16. Asgrl

    April 11, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    My honest opinion., you are reading to much into the chat exchange. And if because of this exchange you want to uproot the foundation of your household I feel sorry for you.

    I was actually expecting to read setting messages but all I read here is two people dissecting why the relationship between them went sour. Yes they miss each other but in no way do I see where your husband is repeatedly trying to go back to her. Sucks to be her.

    I’m no longer with my Ex but there are times when things happen in my life and I miss getting his view point and talking to him. I remember the great times with fondness. I loved him but I thank god for saving me from a future with him

    Before you make any drastic decisions, ask yourself this; has this man that you married in any way give you any reason to doubt that he wants to be with you or his commitment to your marriage (apart from this chat you are freaking out about)?

    Here are some additional salient points to keep in mind;

    1) if your husband felt guilty/embarrassed about the exchange, he would never have shared his email inbox with you.
    2) A person can reminisce or dissect the root cause of why a relationship ended, think about someone with fondness, but then it doesn’t mean they actually want to go back
    3) This chick really broke his heart, but when you love someone, and relationships go bad, the feelings just don’t go away. Contrary to what romance novels and films would make you believe, he just doesn’t stop thinking about this person. Feelings will eventually fade away but there are occasions when you miss the routine of being with that specific person
    4)In no way do I see where he disrespected you or claimed to still love her. Everything he said was in past tense, missed you, loved you, things have changed!
    5) He was asked several times where he lived and didn’t give out his address or number
    6) She repeated several times she still loves him and he didn’t reciprocate

    Before you create imaginary issues and break up your home. Calm down. No dialogue can happen if you are irrational and hysterical. If you have doubts your husband loves you, ask him point blank, do you love me, do you want to be with me?

    And just in case prepare yourself for if he does indeed say no. What will you do? Do you want to stay and fight for his affection or do you want to leave and move on?

    • Asgrl

      April 11, 2014 at 2:36 pm

      Arghhhh multiple errors. Meant sexting. You get the gist of the rest.

    • Non professional opinion

      April 11, 2014 at 3:25 pm

      I agree with this. The guy sounds like he was just being polite and who wouldn’t mind having the one who broke your heart, come back to grovel. I personally wouldn’t even bring it up (unless, these is really about some other underlying issues) because it is hard to read a man’s text messages etc without stumbling into foolishness. My heart goes out to wifey though, because even if it’s innocuous, it still hurts.

    • Xala

      April 11, 2014 at 3:24 pm

      1000000000000X Like

    • Nat

      April 11, 2014 at 3:56 pm

      Right on point. Poster dissect this reply by Asgrl piece by piece. Don’t create unnecessary tension in your house unless you have had previous suspicions about your husband in the past. Your husband was trying to be polite. Notice how he quickly told the ex where his sister lives but never mentioned what area you guys live despite repeatedly been asked? Don’t get yourself worked up over this, handle this maturely, when he is done sorting at his issue at work, calmly mention this to him and tell him how hurt you felt reading this chat between them and see how it goes from there, from the way you described your relationship, it is an enviable one so think through whatever action you decide to take carefully. And this shouldn’t make start rummaging through his email inbox, facebook messages, twitter dms, bbms or whatsapp chats or text messages. Don’t become a private detective watching his every move because my dear you will have unnecessary HBP. Take it one day at a time.
      I see you are already considering putting off plans of investments with him, haba madame! kilode??? it never reach so o, just handle this maturely.

    • yummyyemi

      April 11, 2014 at 6:36 pm

      A thousand likes for this comment,i couldnt have said it better myself.
      The bottom line is… he still ‘loves’ you regardless of any ‘lingering feelings’ he might have for an Ex and that is exactly what you should hold on too.pray for him to be strong in the face of temptations,you are worrying about his ex girlfriend,do you know if he has a hot colleague who is probably ‘eyeing’ him for herself ,what if you never saw the email(life would go on ,wont it )and remember if you go ahead and destroy the good home you have built based on this assumptions and percieved betrayal ..mrs (i dont love my husband anymore) EX would gladly move in and fill your spot.
      Once again pray hard for you and your husband.marriage is hard hard work .your reward would be celebrating your golden anniversary with your kids and grandkids.
      May God guide you

  17. tee

    April 11, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    He isnt in love with her . Start of chat he was just ‘loling’ her but she was just pushing. Let him knw what you saw and ask him to cut all further communication with her.

  18. Nelly A.

    April 11, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Darl
    As we a woman we hurt faster, it is our nature. Let me share my mom’s story. She had stroke at the age of 42 and she is 49 now. Its started from her husband’s cheating drama and his family hating her. My mom told me “Nene when you husband is in the house, he is your husband, when he steps out he is their husband.” With this knowledge i have saved my self from a lot of broken relationship. Also be strong and confront him, pray and ask God for wisdom.

    • lilz

      April 11, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      Nne “my husband” is “my husband” whether he’s in my house or in the forest mbok i’m not sharing him with anybody.

    • No wonder

      April 11, 2014 at 7:56 pm

      You go kill yourself nah, carry man for your head you hear? Except you want to keep divorcing. You never see anything. Follow everything when man dey do and you die like fowl. Na people like you dey get smart husband. Chop, clean mouth and spray perfume join sef. You can never suspect. No kill yourself follow man o, just live your life and be happy

    • Amaka

      September 23, 2015 at 5:12 pm

      That is my point. I am not sharing with anybody, that’s why 2 became one in the first place. A crowded marriage is pointless. Yes, I will carry husband for my head, yes I will pray, yes I will fast. Yes I will do everything to enjoy God’s best. I have a God who gave me all things to enjoy. Yes he said that there will be trials and/tribulation but that I should be of good cheer because He has overcome, also the violent takes it by force. Therefore I will not settle for devil’s desire, give up or choose to be happy on my own, Not at all. I will fight until I become a testimony so that when other women see me they will say ‘oh it is not good to give up o. I can be happy in my marriage also’ I am not leaving my jewel for anyone and will not snatch another woman’s jewel, since he made me his choice and God agreed then I must have what Baba God desires.

  19. Simsima

    April 11, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    I know a friend of mine that experience this too but what I can said is that your husband must have feeling for u before he married u for the rest of his life ;and u have to believe in that love . I think he just looking back at what they can have but right know u are the reality and am sure he is happy with his decision be strong don’t let the ex to shake u in your position y are the wife not her

  20. sam

    April 11, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    So you will allow a convo, half finished to rule your life. If I were you, I’d probably be crying like you are now.
    Truth be told however, your husband is so over that chic/ex. It is clearly obvious. He never once divulged info about you that was sensitive. He didn’t tell her where he lives. He respected you in that conversation. That’s something to hold ont to. You are his wife. Youa re the one in the house. He knows where his loyalty lies.
    Chill out

    • lizcherry

      April 11, 2014 at 4:37 pm

      true talk

  21. Bims

    April 11, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    My dear, I really understand you. Please calm yourself down, talk to him about it in such a way he will understand and reason with you. Then he will caution himself and knows how to deal with his Ex. Then pray that God should take the mind of the Ex off your man. It is well with you.

  22. tee

    April 11, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    I don’t think he loves her, but that won’t make you feel better. Calm down, blast him if you need, let him explain himself and grovel, then forgive him. Exs have a way of making someone talk nonsense. My ex of over 10years ago comes on FB sometimes to yarn trash, i just make him feel stupid and keep it moving. This particular ex cheated with every rat and mouse, and now I’m his aphrodisiac…whatever that means. Btw, you’re a good woman o, if you like let them be sacking you, I’d tell you my mind there and there, not built to suffer alone…

  23. Adaeze

    April 11, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    Awww…sometimes people say what dey don’t mean (Both men and women alike. To me, they didn’t say much but my advice is, you have to cut off all friendship ties between the two of them. Confront him because communication is key but pray first.

  24. El patron medellin cartel

    April 11, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Women and their wahala! He has a soft spot for his ex-gf, if they hadn’t broken up you wouldn’t be in the picture at all..all I see is memoirs of two former lovers,he told her, he is married,refused to give her is new address,refused to send your pictures..so chill I don’t think its a biggie! I don’t think you should ask him about it..my two bolobus.

    • Diuto

      November 27, 2014 at 5:19 am

      Ladies n gentleman, though my comment is late I just wonder if we’ll give d same advice if it was d husband that discovered thos exchange btw his wife n her ex. Jus sayin

  25. D

    April 11, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    If your hubby had anything to hide, he would not have given you access to his Email or he would have another Email address and asked the Ex to contact via that channel. The woman just professed “her love” for him, I get the feeling he was trying to pacifying her. Nevertheless, it is not his position to pacify her, like everyone has advised speak to him, you have his attention way more than she does and it is time to utilize it. She even requested where you guys stay over and over again,(Men…shish that is some stalking issshh) but he never gave in. Let him know how you feel. I told my husband once I do not want him speaking to a certain colleague who had become emotionally attached to him.

  26. lola

    April 11, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    may god comfort you , put it in prayers , men these days are becoming more and more insensitive .i can relate to your story because i have been there and it`s hurt . wish you all the best !

  27. Temi

    April 11, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    Couple of things.
    1. He choose you so, Yeah #winning
    2. Every sentence of his was in the past tense and considering that he loved her before he met you, there was nothing out of line in that conversation, this is normal coz he is
    human.
    3. Because he is human you need to shut this ish down. He might not currently be interested but that Witch of an Ex that does not love her husband is and from her words if she sees an opening she will take yours #thirstyassnorespecthavingwhores.
    4. You need to have an honest conversation with him, one where he’s not feeling attacked like you got into his email to snoop.
    Let us know how it goes, you wrote to tell ur problem when u find solution holla back.

    • Ivie

      April 15, 2014 at 1:33 pm

      LMAO! Nice advise esp number 4

  28. iyke

    April 11, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    This is not an advice but just a man’s insight which I’d like you to consider before making any decision.
    If you ever watched the desperate housewives series, not sure of the season right now, but there was a scene where Sarah Jessica Parker’s character asks and I quote: “When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost, or are we forever haunted by the spirits of past relationships?”…. A deeper understanding of this simply means that it is quite natural to yearn for a past lover, particularly if the original relationship was reciprocal and fulfilling. What your husband did in the course of that chat with his ex was akin to slipping into nostalgic,romantic mood, and idealization of his past romance. Unfortunately, the parting was negative and there, lies the conflict. I can bet my life that your husband would never go back to her. He may cheat if the opportunity arises, for he still has feelings for her, but he won’t marry her. Unfortunately, some exes don’t get the picture that they will never be back in the picture anymore because remembering how it all ended, will create a conflict in his mind which will negatively affect the prospects of a romantic reunion with her.
    Now, the state of the ‘ unfinished business’ with his ex is where you come in. He needs your help and I will encourage you let him know the implication of his digressions and to seek professional counseling to address these issues and help you maintain a healthy marriage.
    Good luck.

    • Atoke

      April 11, 2014 at 3:39 pm

      Err was SJP ever in DHw?

    • slice

      April 11, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      wrong series. right quote 🙂

    • temi

      April 11, 2014 at 3:39 pm

      The series was Sex and the City, right before she cheated with Bigg.

    • iyke

      April 11, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      Yes, thanks – sex and the city.My bad.

      By the way, am deeply sorry about your parents’ horrible marriage. Divorce/abuse and separation can be very difficult for children, especially when young adults look for love. However, in time they’d adjust. Don’t panic, ..I understand why you are working so hard to keep your home. Nothing is wrong with you. My only concern is that I hope your husband is an emotionally available man. If he is, you have nothing to worry about.

    • iyke

      April 11, 2014 at 3:53 pm

      Sorry – sex and the city. Was confusing that with DHW.

  29. Omoté

    April 11, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    There is no need to engage in a full scale battle dear. We all wish we could be each other’s one n only but life happens. We’ve all had that one relationship where we’ve loved with all our heart no matter how toxic the relationship might have been. The relationship ends and u find urself wishing it had turned out as u’d hoped. Years later, u get married, u run into the person and that whole day becomes a throw back into ur past n if u do get into a conversation with him or her, u talk about old times n dat shud b all hopefully.
    It’s very normal to b angry, hurt, feel betrayed n all BUT it’s nothing to fight over. Talk about it with him and let him know how you felt when u saw the chat. I can almost say i’m 99.9% sure it’s notin! While ur at it apologise 4 snooping oh! Lol!

  30. Gorgeous

    April 11, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    Truth is too bitter sometimes… You know in your heart that you met this guy when he was heart broken and you let yourself be the rebound out of possible desperation without giving him the time to get over it. Sometimes, we meet people and we know their heart is with someone else. But in our own selfishness and lack of foresight. Some even manipulate the guy and try all tactics to get pregnant. Then when they enter an unhappy marriage they start to write letters. Madam, you know, and you know better. Its best to show him what you found and address the issue once and for all. Give him time to also get over her. Be considerate because you yourself put this on yourself. Sometimes we should just be a shoulder to cry on, rather than giving the whole pot and pressing marriage to take advantage of someone else when they are emotionally vulnerable. Some girls like the men to think they are the ones that saved them. Meanwhile you are setting yourself up. See sef, you even say you have done so much for him and saved him from this and that. Yet, his heart is where it is. Women, learn from diana saga. When someone is crazy about another, better shift and let that person get over the woman before he looks your way. Otherwise, he will always think the grass is greener. If care is not taken, these two will abandon their spouses and get together. So you have to do what you failed to do before marriage.

    • iyke

      April 11, 2014 at 4:31 pm

      @gorgeous
      No, before you blame the lady or anybody in her situation, you must first go back to her childhood. Note that this also affects every young lady / man out there who have had to deal with the psychological effects of a horrible / broken marriage. Children grow up with no real role models to follow. They know Mom and Dad split, so would find it very hard to trust anyone to stay with them for more than a fling. This lady sought for REAL love, whether she met her husband when he was heartbroken or not, is irrelevant. She didn’t like how her folks ended, and out of fear, vowed to make her’s work by doing all the things she had to do to keep her own marriage. Unfortunately, some ladies affected by this trauma, seek out and fall in love with emotionally unavailable men like their father( not saying her husband is), become worried, self – deprecating, while the boys become aggressive or introverted and may model the deceptive behavior in relating to women. No wonder both sexes struggled later on in life with romantic relationships.
      Honestly, this is the root course – Divorce and failed marriages – it is a very very big sickness in our world today and has caused a lot collateral damage on the children.
      If her husband is emotionally available, which I suspect he is, based on his responses to his chat with his ex, this lady has nothing to really worry about. All they need is an honest conversation about this and of course counseling to address the sub-concious feelings and emotions that is threatening to destroy them.

    • me

      April 12, 2014 at 6:05 am

      my life story

    • iyke

      April 11, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      No, before you blame the lady or anybody in her situation, you must first go back to her childhood. Note that this also affects every young lady / man out there who have had to deal with the psychological effects of a horrible / broken marriage. Children grow up with no real role models to follow. They know Mom and Dad split, so would find it very hard to trust anyone to stay with them for more than a fling. This lady sought for REAL love, whether she met her husband when he was heartbroken or not, is irrelevant. She didn’t like how her folks ended, and out of fear, vowed to make her’s work by doing all the things she had to do to keep her own marriage. Unfortunately, some ladies affected by this trauma, seek out and fall in love with emotionally unavailable men like their father( not saying her husband is), become worried, self – deprecating, while the boys become aggressive or introverted and may model the deceptive behavior in relating to women. No wonder both sexes struggled later on in life with romantic relationships.
      Honestly, this is the root course – Divorce and failed marriages – it is a very very big sickness in our world today and has caused a lot collateral damage on the children.

  31. slice

    April 11, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    i think some of us think this is about the ex but it’s not. it’s about the implication in the chat that what he would have truly preferred is somebody else not the one sleeping next to him. he is implying that circumstances (the loss of the ex and family pressure) pushed him into his current marriage and all things being perfect, he would be somewhere else. That’s why she’s hurt. it’s not fear that he will go somewhere else, it’s that nagging feeling that this is not his ideal situation. that she’s somehow not perfect for him. That’s tough and i feel for you on that. i would say tell him you saw the chat and it made you feel like you’re not his ideal choice and that if he actually doesn’t feel the way you’re thinking he feels, then you would strongly suggest not speaking with the ex as it will keep you constantly wondering.

    • lilz

      April 11, 2014 at 4:07 pm

      your head really dey there. so on point

    • Bamzi

      April 11, 2014 at 5:18 pm

      You’re the only one that has made any sense out of all these comments. To be frank with you Mrs writer, I think your husband feels he settled for less and is just managing the marriage either because he’s just not ready to get out there and start afresh, bcoz of his family, or cos he still needs your help n is enjoying the comforts u r providing. When you say you hardly fight, I can’t help but perceive a red flag. Fighting as crazy as it may sound sometimes signifies that two people care about each other. A guy who doesn’t care about a girl may let a lot of stuff slide cos to him it just isn’t worth the hassle of fighting for since he doesn’t care anyway. I’m not saying you should be fighting all the time. However a Lil bit once in a while is healthy to keep things fresh in a relationship. Anyway does he still have her number? Could he have contacted her and continued from there? Cos the convo ended abruptly so we don’t know where it would have led. If he had been d one to end it then I would say you have no problem. But he wasn’t and he took it further by saving it. Hmm. You’ve gleaned the main thing from that convo so ask the necessary questions and decide if you can live with the fact that he might have settled for you. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. I don’t intend to be but I also don’t intend to deceive by being all nice and naive. Nip it in the bud before it starts. It’s a gradual process. Chat today, number exchange tomorrow and on it goes. It’s dangerous with an ex cos once d emotions come flooding back and he gets a taste of what he missed, he might damn all consequences. Be wise mami.

    • memebaby

      April 11, 2014 at 5:25 pm

      FINALLY! someone who gets it! i’m sad because she now feels she’s his second best! i mean i will feel hurt if i discover I was someone second option ..sighh.. she should talk to her hubby after his work situations settles and even if he says he was just trying to make the ex feel better he should cut ties with her. We women are smart! that ex does not love her current husband and if she knows how to get to your hubby she will do it! after all she will say she had him first and he was meant to with her before she got pregnant. So wifey… hubby must let go of that “platonic” relationship he has going on with his ex because there’s nothing platonic about that!

    • Iris

      April 11, 2014 at 6:19 pm

      That’s it exactly. Nobody on this blog can determine whether or not he is in love with his ex or is just being polite, even though I also noticed that he didn’t give out his address or respond to her “I love you” (by the way may thunder fire that useless girl). I think sometimes we get carried away with the notion of perfect and one true love. If there was such a thing, you’d only be able to love once and the death of a partner would mean you could never move on and remarry for love. The reality is, if she hadn’t gotten pregnant for someone else, he would probably have married her instead. That may have been what he was trying to say and it doesn’t mean that he loves you less. On the other hand, nobody wants to hear that they were a regrettable runner-up choice so I understand. Either way, before you come to any conclusions you need to get him to explain to you, and if you trust him, you owe it to both him and yourself to believe that he’s telling the truth. On a side note, why isn’t he doing his own job applications though?

    • Iris

      April 11, 2014 at 6:43 pm

      This your matter brought me back to BN LOL. In addition, he has to cut ties with her. There’s nothing wrong with having female friends. You can even let some exes slide, but this one is a no-no. If a woman who knows her ex is married is stupid and selfish enough to tell him she loves him (even being married herself), then she has an agenda. If he wants your marriage to work HE needs to tell her very clearly that they can no longer talk and it is very inappropriate for her to have said she loves him. He didn’t do that before and he should have, but if he knows what he’s about he’ll do it now. After all it works both ways. He wouldn’t like to stumble across such a thing from your ex.

  32. gbasibe

    April 11, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Relax. From all indications he was just being polite and kind to her. He didn’t respond to all her ‘I still love you’ ‘do you want me now’ ‘where do u live’. He had strong feelings for her then and remembering then just brought them up a bit. It’s natural. You would have done the same. Besides his responses were very crisp to start with. Caution him yes but don’t worry too much. It would have hurt the ex if he had started gushing abt you, they are friends and he doesn’t want to hurt her. Worry not your husband is yours.

  33. Miss Pee

    April 11, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    There’s an adage that says when you clap, it moves to your head and then your feet follow suit, I have being in situations like this that warranted my ex to send me a message as regards missing me, I quickly cautioned him not to start a conversation like that with me, reasons being when emotions like this starts building up, people get carried away now that’s where infidelity creeps in.
    Now that being said, you need to confront your husband with this, you need to talk with him ask him questions and tell him to avoid his ex totally, she’s married and should face her marriage and make her marriage work.
    Talk to God in prayers for wisdom so you don’t take things overboard, I pray things work for you and your husband. Amen

  34. neola

    April 11, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Lol… u cried ke? may be you are pregnant, hormonal tears go and check.

    please i read all your husband’s responses, like gbasibe said he was just being polite. Me i wont vex sha,if i stumbled upon that kind of chat sha. i noticed the use of past sentence in his response. He loved her, of course he did, they were in a serious relationship but he is with you now. Stop being a baby, caution him and laugh it off with him. Dont start straining your marriage now abeg. That is definitely what i will do, i will say ehn ehn so you would have preferred her to me ehn? and say anyway that is your business now you are with me and we would laugh it off….

  35. CarliforniaBawlar

    April 11, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    I don’t really see much to the messages. I have an ex I think we would always feel a certain kind of way about each other….it is what it is….I have to delete our messages periodically and I hope he does the same if he half as decent towards his fiance as I think he is. Homeboy is about getting married and heres’s what he sent last week…

    “…it was mutual, I just miscalculated on my part i guess. Took your silence/disappearance then as you not being interested anymore and since I was seeing her as that time more frequently I guess I allowed myself go.
    One of my many regrets, but thats life, isn’t it? I followed my flesh and supposed gut feeling of things being right and ended up in a ditch. But we learn everyday don’t we? lol”

    Now if you see the speech and declaration of love he gave to her on facebook on her last birthday….una go say love don finish! Now he describes his ‘situation’ as a ditch??!! My people, we can never understand men.
    Dear Mrs Rebound…coming from an ex’s point of view… Would my ex leave his fiance for me?? The answer is a big fat NO!! He knows it, I know it…and in your case I think your husband and his ex know it too….she can only whine and complain and he can tell her all these things to make her and himself feel better. But in most cases, nothing dey happen.

    I would personally let it go but then again, I’m not married….I’ve never committed my all to anybody. Fact remains that you are hurt though…so I will jejely tell you Nbo, my sister….xoxo.

  36. Sabifok

    April 11, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    Poster, I know you are hurting right now and probably feel like dumping hot palm oil on him when he is sleeping or slipping Vim into his food. But truth be told, dont fret it. Guess what – you are the one married to dude and in a family situation with him. Here are some points

    1. She had cheated on him which caused their original break-up and even carried another man’s seed. Men never forget such “treachery/betrayal” Theres no way he would be going back to her. Loyalty is very important to us men. Thats why we keep the same friends from childhood and stick up for our best mates no matter what. Thats why he didnt stay with her after she got pregnant for another man. He is with you – lovely, ride or die princess that you are, that even sacrifices her comfort to help with her husband’s job application while he snoozes/slumbers like those Constituent Assembly politicians. You and him were meant to be. No ex shall bring your union asunder.

    2. Sometimes flirtatious texting is just that – an exchange of words. Is it ideal? No. Should a man who is spoken for do that with his ex? No. But the world is not an idealistic place and emotional ties do remain long after physical relationships end. Especially if your hubby and his ex had slept together (which it looks like going by her desperate inquiries about where he resides). Men do flirt sometimes, or allow flirting but sometimes thats where it ends. Dont sweat it hon. We do stupid/shallow things just for bants and to massage our egos – but that is just it. Trust me if he were cheating on you, that phone would never have found its way to your hands. It would have had the password of life on it too.

    3. When you do take up this issue with him, make sure you are as cool as Lekki breeze. Resist the urge to go all “Angela Basset in Waiting to Exhale” on him. Serve him his favourite dish and bring it up gently. Broach the subject after having a bout of morning sex when men are most likely to be at their most open and vulnerable state. Be calm when he answers and choose your words carefully. Listen and then get your point across. Please dont start like this ” Look, you this spaghetti-dicked, cheating, nonsense man, how dare you…”

    Good speed…

  37. Mrs Rebound(Inboxer)

    April 11, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words.I must confess that reading different opinions has given me different perspectives and i am a bit calmer than before.to be honest i have never had cause to doubt him before if not for the conversation i stumbled upon.Slice was able to get what was bugging me.I feel like i am option especially when he said ” After some time after we broke up my friend said I couldn’t remain that way and I was really hurt after you left & missed you so much” so it made me feel like i was just available and he also mentioned family pressure.
    Even if his motive was to make the ex better what he implied still hurts as am only human.I am not sure i can wait till Monday anymore because its affecting me already and he already noticed when he called me during his lunch break and he kept saying i was very cold.When he gets home this evening I will calmly speak to him and hear what he has to say and will surely get back to you all.

    • Hawa

      May 10, 2014 at 7:52 am

      Mrs rebound, what happened now? What did hubby say??

  38. agbeke

    April 11, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    @ iyke Huh??!!! Desperate Housewives and Sarah Jessica Parker ke?? My dear I am in total agreement with “kkk” please get off this forum and deal ask God for wisdom to deal with the situation…don’t allow anyone over analyze anything for you afterall its your marriage not theirs. talk is cheap!

  39. I dont see anything here

    April 11, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    See woman, you can get offended and jump inside the ocean.

    I know this would be the consequence of that article. Let all you silly and gullible ones keep listening to advices of articles here. By the time they break your homes, someone else will pack in and you will learn the hard way.

    Ehnn? when then? after then? what is in this conversation? i see nothing in here. Swear you never had a chat with your crush or ex after you married. How many of you can swear that the person you married is the real person you wanted to marry? For most, it is when the desired wasnt available, the available became the desired.

    I even thought there would be some sexting or plans to hook up…but none here.

    Woo lemme tell you something, if you like pack out, the other girl (original love) will move in and nothing will happen. After 3boys Chidi still got married to another so no be new thing.

    Consequence of all the silly articles and advices girls/women give each other.

    Tonight, go through his phone, fb, twitter and all and come give feed back

    mtsheww. vultures can come here ranting
    dont know why some babes cant think for themselves.
    just have to take the advice of others to run their own house.
    gullible, naive set of people

    • yomi

      April 11, 2014 at 9:24 pm

      Ha!

  40. Dr. N

    April 11, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    Please let some time pass b4 asking him about her. You are too bitter. Get your head in d rt place 1st. He was leading her on so she would admit to still loving him. He is over her. When u do talk, let it be to ask him to cut off from her as u hv wt your exes. Not to accuse. Pls stop bending over backwards. You hv nothing to prove. http://www.drnsmusings.wordpress.com

  41. Shade

    April 11, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    You lost me after “I was applying for jobs for him”…what kind lazy?

    • slice

      April 11, 2014 at 5:22 pm

      i’ve advised people in the past to do this for others. the job application process can be pretty long and tasking on the mind and body. if you’re my friend or spouse and you want to help me and applying for jobs is my current JOB, i see nothing wrong in helping out with that. don’t just keep asking me how the job search is going. Do something

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 17, 2014 at 9:21 am

      @slice I like…. “do something”. Volunteer to even help read sef and prepare me for interviews etc better still pray for me and with me.

      Stop Banting by acting like you care.. lol. x

    • Nicole

      April 11, 2014 at 6:45 pm

      My dear, e tire me ooo. She was applying for jobs for him, while he was sleeping….wow…
      Dear Poster, I understand you love your husband, but this too much bending over might pose a problem. I believe you dont want him thinking that you have esteem issues and he did you a favour by marrying you. Marriage is all about reciprocity, not one person doing all the giving and the other doing the taking. As for the chat you saw: “If a man truly wants a woman, nothing can stop him”. If he really wanted her, he would have stayed with her regardless of her pregnancy. All the best, as you straighten things out with him.

    • halyma

      April 11, 2014 at 9:37 pm

      As in…and he still wishes he can turn back the hand of time…really sad for the sister

  42. GLORIA JACOBS

    April 11, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    The Ex is an adulterer, from cheating on him while they were together and getting pregnant to wanting to disrupt your home, pls Nwane, rebuke her in your prayers. Imagine the effontery to ask for your pictures. Why do women like to bring one another down? What was she going to do with your picture? access to see if she was finer or classier..phew!!! Do not take this matter lightly ooo, Exes don’t give up easily especially when they go through their regret phase. Let your hubby know that you read the chats and express your feelings clearly…and pls Mrs, STOP being the Man in the house. Men don’t appreciate it and that’s why you feel used. If he needs another job badly, let him starve himself of some sleep and send the mails. You should be treated as a Queen and nothing else. It will surprise you to know that perhaps, he funded his ex’s expenses whilst they were together, men like dependent women. Sweetheart, they say they don’t, but in their heart of hearts, they do. And pls, take time out to enjoy your beauty sleep, you need it.

  43. Teniola

    April 11, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    Like someone said, the ex is not really the issue. The fact that he made you seem like the next option is the problem. Now, he still married you and if you pray to God and ask for wisdom to fix this, even if that idea is right you are in the position to win his affection completely. However, you cannot do it with a “hurt” heart. No matter how hurt you are, he is your husband and you fight for the same team. Not to spiritualize things but a calm and gentle spirit laced with wisdom as stated by most ppl should be your tactic. Once again, you are both on the same team and you have to forgive him. Do not let this leave holes that the “ex” is looking for. God bless you.

  44. belinda

    April 11, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    Calm down, nothing to fear or worry about. Your husband is just stringing her along. its an age long men tactic. Speak with him thou for you to have clarity.

  45. lace

    April 11, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    WOW! I cannot believe the response of so many women in the comments. How did we get this low? I have two problems with this post first is with the writer. Why do you keep going on and on about doing so much for your husband? Was it not a conscientious decision you made? if it wasn’t why did you then do so much for him? So he would marry you? Ladies learn from this, do only what you are comfortable with and stop singing it in the ears of those you’ve helped that you helped them.
    Secondly, I cannot believe that people are telling her that the conversation is nothing to worry about. Why do women take such crap from men? A marriage should be built on mutual trust and each party is to take that seriously. Growing up I always wondered why my mum put a limit on how she fraternised with men and so did my dad. I always thought that she was doing too much. However, now that I am older, I know she was trying to prevent a compromising situation or any illusions of an affair. My mum recently heard that my dad was in a potentially compromising situation with his friend and a female. Once my dad found out that my mum knew he hurriedly explained himself and explained the situation and put my mum at ease. That is how it’s meant to be. Don’t want to be married? Use the door but as long as you are married you owe your spouse a duty to behave properly. You have every right to question him but wait till you’ve gathered you thoughts, nothing good will come out of a conversation when you are filled with rage. That conversation with his ex should not have happened plain and simple whether he was speaking in past tense or being passive.

    • Bide

      April 11, 2014 at 6:34 pm

      Best comment..

    • Changing Faces

      April 11, 2014 at 6:50 pm

      People make mistakes, even the best of people. So calm down with your righteous self. Perhaps you’d be happy to learn she walked out of the marriage. Your dad and mum did what worked for them, do not expect everyone to be your perfect parents

    • lace

      April 11, 2014 at 8:25 pm

      umm… which part of my comment shows that i am being self-righteous? Please stop showing your own insecurities. i am simply reminding everyone that behaving one’s self is important in a marriage. Nobody has standards these days and anything goes. Once someone comes along reminding you that this isn’t the way it’s meant to be, you accuse them of being self-righteous. Where in my comment did I advise her to get a divorce? That’s her decision to make.

    • J

      April 14, 2014 at 5:17 pm

      Gbam!!!

  46. adycyndy.o.

    April 11, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    @shade u could do dat if u have the right connection it is not a sin in every marriage the wife is suppose to be the helper and home builder/keeper right? and my own piece of advise is for u to talk to ur husband about it am still very much in love wit my ex although am not married and he is not but am hoping to be hooked up to him again. just talk to him and pray what ever is urs is urs .

  47. tammy

    April 11, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    Don’t give yourself heart attack for nothing, your hubby was just being polite to her. Yes he loved and missed her but he’s not loving and missing her anymore. If he was one useless man he would have asked to see her so they can start where they stopped. Thank God he didn’t, so no more tears ok?

  48. Sunshine

    April 11, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    Babe don’t let this nonsense chat bother you one bit. Erase it from your mind like you did not read it. It’d hard my dear but do your best. Carry on as normal. And I will tell you why? Men do not reason and understand the way we do. Our value hierarchy are different. You will get there eventually. In fact when you discuss thus matter with him, be very calm, no shouting and let the message be clear through your eyes. Let him see how much he has hurt you and if he is a sensible man, he will get the message.

  49. Amh

    April 11, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    Your hubby loves you and married you. Pray , have a polite talk with him and pray before you that the lord will let your will and want prevail. Do your best to cast the jezebel that wants to crawl into your house. If she does not love her hubby its her wahala. U know it could be painful . Please be strong and hold on to your hubby.

  50. Bar 2

    April 11, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    I wouldn’t really put up my issues here first before going to God. That way you wouldn’t have everyone no matter how well meaning and resounding their ideas are put in their two cents worth. Not that it may not be helpfull but I advise you go to God that brought the union together and do according to the Spirit directs. My prayers are with you Hun God bless you and yours.

  51. Lol

    April 11, 2014 at 9:04 pm

    This is quite a self reflection…though I am not the ex in question,,,hehehe, I have often reminisced with an ‘ex’ about past romanticism….things didn’t work out but it was such a bliss, so when I felt down, I used to contact him to reminisce….not that I actually was still in love with him but was in love with the idea of that perfect and ideal time…….we are human beings, frail and weak, we make mistakes…..as long as you can both be honest as to where you want your relationship to go and how it should grow, you’ll come to realise that things aren’t as bad as they seem.
    Before I get crucified, now I bless his marriage and what an amazing husband he’s going to make, and I am indulging in mine…….perhaps I should send my side of the story to Aunt BN if too many people won’t figure out who I am!

  52. TheresaO

    April 11, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    I totally understand your anger and YES you deserve to be angry. Anybody, male or female, would be angry. But I’m happy you have held your composure till now, well done sister! I want to talk to you as a friend and sister, because we both share similarities: age, living overseas, parents’ horrible marriage, committed to our marriages, and I guess God-fearing too.

    From the conversation and from my experience, I don’t think your husband wants to be with the lady, neither does he regret marrying you. He is just saying “if things were different.” You must understand that he loved that lady and would have married her, if she hadn’t been unfaithful. So his feelings are still tender towards her, and same for the lady. However inspite of how strongly his ex said she missed him, he was cautious. An unfaithful man would go all out and even start planning a way for meet or ask for naked pics!

    Your husband is at crossroads now, his ex is playing damsel-in-distress with her unsatisfied marriage. And on the other hand is you his loving wife. He can go either way depending on how you handle this delicate situation. If you confront him angrily, letting him know how ungrateful he is after all you have done for him, he will naturally be sorry, that he was caught. His pride will be wounded and guess what, he might retreat to the ex who appears eager to please. This time he will be more careful and you will never know, until he brings her overseas.

    The other option is less dramatic and involves a honest, but gentle confrontation. I would suggest you make a meal or take him out, then talk about how thankful you are to be married to him. You could list some wonderful attributes of his that you love. Be honest here, don’t flatter. THEN let him know you saw his email and how hurt you felt by the conversation with his ex. Let him know how you felt, not what he did. Don’t say “you are ungrateful, after all I did for you…” no rather say “I feel like all the sacrifices I have made for us are not appreciated…”. THEN let him know your hopes about the marriage: you still love him, you want to be the only woman he loves, etc…

    You might want to remember that men don’t understand how to deal with emotions very well, they deal better with logic. Try not to cry or bring in drama. Just state your case as concisely and logically as possible, then give him the opportunity to talk too. Don’t rant or make him look silly or interrupt him. None of that will help. If you feel you might not be composed enough to do this, you might want to write it down in a letter.

    I suggest you give him the letter after the dinner and pleasantries have been exchanged. Tell him something like “ There is something I want to talk to you about, but I’m not sure how to go about it. Please read it here.” You might stay with him while he reads it, or go next door until he is through. Whatever happens, let your husband know that you love him.

    Remember whatever you focus on grows, choose to focus on his good qualities, instead of his mistakes, my dear friend. After you have both resolved the issue, I suggest you pray about it together and have a romantic evening.

    A wise woman build her home. She faces challenges like everyone else, but she builds her home. Be careful of the advice you receive from people urging you to do dramatic things. Try not to make a mountain out of a molehill. Stand together with your husband to fight this intruder. Your husband needs you now more than ever. If you can stand together, there is no challenge either now or in the future, that you will not overcome.

    May the Almighty give you wisdom and grace. God bless you dear sister!

    • iyke

      April 12, 2014 at 10:23 am

      You are WISE and MATURE! I tend to draw towards people that think like you.
      In the words of Emma OMG, you are a very wise somebody!

    • Angel

      April 12, 2014 at 3:38 pm

      @ TheresaO, one million likes for ur comment, u said it all. U spoke like a wise one with experience, from the email conversation I also saw the ex to be the problem here, an intruder indeed, agent of darkness, devil..(I could go on) whose primary intention is to bring confusion into that marriage but God will not let her. Cos she kept on pushing, trying to lure the man, some women eh! So dear just stay strong, defend ur territory with wisdom and prayer. Your husband loves and respects u based on this conversation, I will also advice u don’t confront him until u ‘ve calmed down. And please relax, don’t get yourself all worked up, it’s nothing really….

  53. Evilicious

    April 11, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    Some women sha! Send me her picture, for what now? Calm down, pray about it, ask God for wisdom and direction on how to handle the situation. Many women face similar situations in their marriage, some even less than one yr after they get married. Just pray, pray, and pray then talk to him about it. In a loving way, he will be amazed at how u handle the situation.

  54. shannaro

    April 12, 2014 at 12:20 am

    Seeing the messy way they separated this kind of chat was probably necessary for them to get closure but it needs to stop. We all have one love we get nostalgic about try not to torture yourself needlessly about the what could have beens mentioned here because this dsn’t change reality, she got pregnant by some else and he left her ever since.So think about the present,are you loved? dn’t speculate and talk to him about this to see what his feelings really are then make your decisions.Finally dn’t be afraid of ugly confrontation that’s not healthy if you want to blow off this weekend then do it that’s life for him and it also comes with the contract. Best of luck my dear.

  55. Editrix

    April 12, 2014 at 1:56 am

    1. First pray for yourself before talking to your husband. Why? That God gives you the grace to be respectful, kind and composed when talking to him. There’s a reason why the Bible says “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” You don’t want to say something that pushes him over and turns the situation it something worse.

    2. Pray before you speak to your husband that God will give him understanding to see where you are coming from. Also, that he will desist and resist. See, the devil is actively breaking marriages and he uses the seemingly innocent/harmless things/persons to open a flank so he can walk in and wreak havoc.

    3. Discuss with your husband. Be honest about your feeling and hear him out. There’s a reason we have two ears and one mouth…so we can listen more and talk less.

    Finally, I pray the peace of God which passes understanding will reign in you, your husband and marriage.

    This is for everyone saying this conversation is harmless: Please read Roman 1 especially from verse 24 – 32. From that verse, you see that Paul was saying we have exchanged God’s truth for the lies of the world. Verse 28 talks about lack of fidelity in human relationships. So simply put: the husband shouldn’t be talking to the EX in the first place AND then saving the message. Maka why? The bible says “flee all appearances of evil.” Keyword: appearances. If it looks like it, don’t wait to find out if IT IS evil. Just run! See, we don’t stumble over mountains…it is the pebbles that cause us to fall.

    Remain blessed.

  56. Editrix

    April 12, 2014 at 2:08 am

    One more things, ladies I beg you please get this book titled “Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe” by Sharon Jaynes. It is powerful book with 30-days prayers for your husband. I’m currently using it and I can see God working in my husband. Importantly, I see God working in ME and changing me. Things that he used to do that annoys me, I find myself getting less, annoyed. The book not only changes your man but it changes you (the wife) as well.

    It’s time we take back our marriages — and to a large extent, our society — from the kingdom of darkness. The breakdown of a society starts from the family. Our country is going to ruins because important pillar of the society, the marriages/families, are breaking down. It is time to stop accepting and believing the lies of the devil that men are not faithful or created to be monogamous. If God created man to be polygamous, he would have given him Eve, Lisa, Amaka, Judith and Yetunde in the Garden of Eden. But he gave him ONE woman, Eve. There’s a lesson in there.

  57. Editrix

    April 12, 2014 at 2:10 am

    One more things, ladies I beg you please get this book titled “Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe” by Sharon Jaynes. It is powerful book with 30-days prayers for your husband. I’m currently using it and I can see God working in my husband. Importantly, I see God working in ME and changing me. Things that he used to do that annoys me, I find myself getting less, annoyed. The book not only changes your man but it changes you (the wife) as well.

    It’s time we take back our marriages — and to a large extent, our society — from the kingdom of darkness. The breakdown of a society starts from the family. Our country is going to ruins because important pillar of the society, the marriages/families, are breaking down. It is time to stop accepting and believing the lies of the devil that men are not faithful or created to be monogamous. If God created man to be polygamous, he would have given him Eve, Lisa, Amaka, Judith and Yetunde in the Garden of Eden. But he gave him ONE woman, Eve. There’s a lesson in there.

    God can change even the most wicked/hard-hearted man. See Ezekiel 11:29.

    • Amaka

      September 23, 2015 at 5:20 pm

      Thanks Editrix.

  58. flow

    April 12, 2014 at 3:25 am

    To Mrs Rebound
    Madam, if I were you, I would be more worried about my husband not being a reader of BN, or his Ex, cos imagine he stumbled upon this thread, opened and read how his wife prefers to seek a second, third, fourth opinion concerning trivial issues that should have longed been trashed and forgetten right that very moment when u opened his email and read his chat! If I were your hubby I GO SERIOUSLY CHANGE AM FOR YOU! U claim uve always had his back, come here to tell us how ure his ‘saviour’ and how ure performing magic on UR HUSBAND’s LIFE! UR HUSBAND O! What time could have been better to talk to him about what u discovered( which is a non-issue sef) than right then when u were in bed together? But no u prefer running to a blog,spill ur shit, tell the whole world ur “pathetic story” and expect pats on the back for being there for ur husband abi? Well done o!

    • BC

      April 12, 2014 at 11:38 am

      You have a point there. I wondered what would happen if hubby stumbled upon this too. That said, online forums like this one, has become equivalent to face-to -face communication for our generation, if not more. I am the same age as the author. Bear in mind that she is married and may no longer share personal details of certain gravity with her present circle of friends. That is if she has any. She moved from Nigeria to the UK. She may not have a close knit of people she can trust or turn to with matters like this at this time. Besides her husband finding this out, I encourage disclosures like this one online. You have your trolls, but you also pick pearls of wisdom from different sources.

  59. Ephi

    April 12, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Some women sha. This ex is just an evil home-breaker. It’s her headache that she’s married to someone she doesn’t love, probably married him for the wrong reasons now she’s barking up the wrong tree. Idiot. I’m so vexed.

  60. Arin

    April 12, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    I wouldn’t read much meaning into this conversation. But I do know that men can be stern when they want to. For example my friends ex, he was not even married yet but in a relationship. They were having a conversation such as this, and along the line she said’ I really miss you. And he said well I am in a relationship now, what we had is over and I don’t miss you. Kabish!!! Yes This text doesn’t say much but it is enouraging bad behavior and might open the flood gates to something deeper if not dealth with.

  61. njideka

    April 12, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    I’ve read a lot of comments here and only a few people get it!!! 1: you entered this marraige with a wrong notion, listen a marraige that’ll crumble will,if you like give your life for it!!! Do you know how many strong,beautiful women have gone to the grave cos of tthe kind of notion you have,doing everything to make sure it’s work? 2: what kind of man liés in bed while his wife sends out job application…you call that a husband? But he has time to chat with his ex?such men trust me the moment they make it then you’ll knw he’ll is empty and the démons are walking amongst us. 3. Why would he even entertain such conversation from his ex and let it go that way,she was even asking him to send you her picture.. I have an ex who is married with 2kids occasionally he would send me a mail or a message buh the next thing I ask how’s your wife and the kids and then I cut him short and tell him God bless your family. Have a lovely day.. I do this cos I know sometimes it takes a word,a sentence or even hearing a voice and your world can be turned upside down.. his friends would tell me he regrets marrying his wife, I tell them well that is his cross to carry cos i’m happy and ain’t looking back,thats what your hubby should have done… pls pls pls pause in buying that house,i’m a lawyer and trust me when push comes to shove you’ll wonder is that person is the same one you married and have been living with.. pause before making any financial decision

  62. Stephanie

    April 12, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    I know this must be very hard for you but pls do remember that in all of this he still chose to marry you…..he didn’t even answer her when she asked if he loved you. Men could be annoying sometimes, and agreed he did have strong feelings for her, but then he chose you. This is not a time to go solo at all, still come together and buy the property, seat down n have a honest talk with him about it. And pray
    blogsvila.blogspot.com

  63. Eureka

    April 13, 2014 at 4:53 am

    I totally understand how you feel about this, when you put your all in a relationship…you will want it reciprocated. I figure you are an imaginative person just like me ( which most times is not good in a relationship), you think since he could say this, he must be thinking this, therefore this = that…and then it goes on and on…most of the times you imagine beyond the reality and you start acting based on your imagination. You should work on that. In situations like this give your partner the benefit of doubt, remember the good things about him ( remember not everything looks the way they appear). Moreover, do you think if your husband wanted to go further with this he wouldn’t delete the chat? Or do you think he would have give you his e-mail password if he thought he had secrets to keep? As a man I can tell you that if your husband wanted to cheat the ex had already given him more than enough signals…like, she said she ‘misses’ him and your hubby said I ‘missed’ you too (mind you that’s present tense, not past which your hubby replied her with). She also said she doesn’t love her husband…another signal an unfaithful husband would grab immediately. Also your husband didn’t speak any bad word about you ( though he probably could have praised you or say something to indirectly tell the lady to back off), and he still declined to answer her question of where he lives, which she asked 3 times or thereabout. That said, remember he was dating this lady, and probably for a long time too and he loved her enough to want to marry her. From what I’ve seen and heard love always leave remnants of emotions for people we really once loved in our hearts..it doesn’t mean he’ll act on it or anything (btw, that’s what differentiates men from boys) and that’s why he was just coasting along with her, he didn’t want to bruise her feelings. Also, I think it’s totally wrong to start counting the sacrifices you’ve made for your husband…that’s why it’s called marriage, it involves sacrifices. You might think about it, but never ever say it out to people; I have done this, I have done that, common he’s your husband for God’s sake…if you didn’t do it for him who would you do it for? Lastly, I think like someone said a subtle approach is the best, call him and talk to him in a mild manner, you will be surprised how trivial this issue is to him by the time he explains to you. God bless your home .

  64. Jay

    April 14, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Easy Madam, no rush in getting angry and asking questions cos he may code his life more. Two things: 1. Why apply for jobs for him while he sleeps? What happened to him applying for himself? My first job was applied for by my fiance and I am forever grateful, women need to be treated as queens. Meanwhile I wasn’t asleep while he was applying, I was also applying other ones for myself. We should always try to get the foundation right else the man keeps expecting stuff from you. Many men love dependent women and it makes them feel capable when they foot the bills while you support with maybe surprise lunch or gifts.
    2. Hold on with that investment. Watch as things go first before you commit. Be as wise as a serpent but as gentle as a dove!
    Good luck!

  65. true_talker

    April 14, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    some of this people giving advice need to go to finishing school abeg. Cant write proper english…misspelt words here and then..

    My dear, I dont want to say you are overreacting, but like several people have said, please calm down. I dont think it’s a big deal. Stuff happens and life never works out the way people intend, but he is married to you and not her. We all have our insecurities and I think you need to deal with yours. Calm down, let it go. You need to learn which battles to fight, if i were you, i would let it go. But since I am not you, i say pray to God for direction. Plus, the hubby is stressed out at work. So dont go robbing sand sand for his koko garri and pushing him into one Delilah’s arms. So let it go…let it go…you should listen to that frozen soundtrack..”let it go” lol. You will okay my sister.

  66. Dee one

    April 15, 2014 at 2:31 am

    @true_talker Look who’s talking about misspelt words and going to finishing school…who taught you how to spell rubbing as robbing, is that what you were taught at your finishing school. Check yourself before talking about others. And by the way it’s ‘here and there’ not ‘here and then’. Mstcheeew.

  67. Free

    April 15, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    I think you should have a talk with him, but not with anger and threats. Fact is, he had a life before he met you. However the purpose of the talk is to remind him that there’s no point reminiscing on turning back the hands of time, as that part of his life is over forever. Remind him of your goals and promise to each other, and just be the best wife you can be. If he comes to his senses, he’ll be the one making the decision to keep your marriage intact. He’s on a slippery slope thinking of the good old times and I think a lot of men do think of their ex and even reach out to them, without making their spouse aware of it. He’s confused and believes the grass is greener on the other side, hopefully he comes to his senses soon.

  68. laddi

    April 17, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Hmmmmmmmmm.
    Dear poster; I feel u. My hubby’s ex will not let him be despite the fact that they r married. I went to uni wit 1 of them she hates me with a passion (she is married with a kid) and was like my hubby should not marry that she can leave her hubby for him. All sort of nonsense. I can’t understand we women this days u r married and u still wants some1 else hubby haba jama’a. Lets fear God small. I think you should have a talk with him, but not with anger and threats but be gentle and supple. However the purpose of the talk is to remind him that there’s no point reminiscing on turning back the hands of time, as that part of his life is over forever. Remind him of your goals and promise to each other, and just be the best wife you can be in prayers and patients. when he does comes to his senses, he’ll be the one making the decision to keep your marriage. Stay blessed daughter of zion.

  69. Obi Ikechukwu

    April 23, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Please don’t bother your head one bit about this trivial issue. I am a guy and when we do stuff like this it is because we don’t want to hurt the feelings of the Ex.Your husband sure knows what he has in the house and deep down i am sure he appreciates it even if he does not tell you.The Grass is never greener.Take time to appreciate yourself.Do fun stuff and invest in yourself.That way he will keep coming back for more.

  70. Bella belle

    October 23, 2014 at 7:58 am

    Mrs Rebound please tell us what happened when u confronted hubbie???

  71. Tosin

    November 29, 2014 at 9:56 am

    omo calm down. chai.

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