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Toke Makinwa’s Vlog: Marriage & the Unnecessary Pressure from Society

BellaNaija.com

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Toke Makinwa & Maje Ayida - July 2014 - BellaNaija.com 01
Mrs Maje Ayida is speaking out on pressure society places on ladies to tie the knot.

On all new episode of Toke Makinwa‘s “Toke Moments Vlog“, the Nigerian media personality advices the single ladies on how to rise above the pressure to settle for anything because the society – friends and family included, won’t let you be.

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46 Comments

  1. Mary Cole

    July 31, 2014 at 3:38 am

    Well said girl, love love love it. God help us all. whoever has any sick and twisted response to this, bless your heart. May God help y’all know what happiness is in all forms, and pursue it; instead of living on any body’s standard/yardstick. Don’t worry, be happy…keep on searching for that something good…nothing good comes easy. Be blessed.

  2. Joan85

    July 31, 2014 at 4:42 am

    *in Chris Brown’s voice* Toke, why you gotta go there?

    • Iya

      July 31, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      In the Niaja man own ..”Y…y…y…y…yy….wai..wai…yyyy…idon wana go deeeere..”

  3. Osasodia1

    July 31, 2014 at 4:50 am

    Toks Toks…….u make me laugh , thanks. Married or not married, pple always have something to say genuinely or not. Anyway as u said they need to mind their own bizness cos things are going to be better for us all.

  4. magh

    July 31, 2014 at 5:20 am

    so tru mehn!! enjoy the dating process! aunty toke just nailed it..ladies ladies! just enjoy yaself..

  5. HowIzzitAffectingU

    July 31, 2014 at 5:57 am

    `The irony, lol. Her wedding picture stares us in the face. But hey, what do I know?

  6. Maz Isaiah

    July 31, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Hello Toke. I agree with the fact that our culture, environment and spiritual beliefs are factor to marriage. Am a Uk resident which gives us choices about how we want things , however my root and faith is my source as a Nigerian. Am not entirely in tune of the adaptation of the British ways so I do others I don’t as a parent and married it imperative to leave a good legacy for my kids hence am in between . Call me old skool or cynical am still happy of my root. If all areas fail who do we turn to! We have choices either drug or church, however I do not want people especially those vulnerable exploited.

  7. Dee

    July 31, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Lipstick is dripping off her lips. But that’s none of my business 😉

    • Anonymous

      July 31, 2014 at 10:56 am

      That was the only thing you picked out of the whole vlog?? Like she said “mind your business!!”

  8. omojesu

    July 31, 2014 at 9:19 am

    yea right. Yimu.com.

  9. bee pooja

    July 31, 2014 at 9:52 am

    wow…Toke very well said…you nailed it so well.. I’m not married but neither searching, But sometimes, I feel so lucky that iv not taken that huge step, because I feel pity for some married ladies whose husbands go around cheating.. yea, some say even if he has a side chic,the one at home is still the one he loves, well, to an extent that’s true, but why even cheat in the first place….I know a guy who married February 26th few years back and threw me a surprise bday party feb 28 (2 days after his wedding) he didn’t know I knew about the wedding and kept swearing and denying. pls,how will I envy that lady. Still met one who got married two weeks ago and was begging I shud call in a sick leave and go on vacation with him. I can go on and on….pls,marry for love and not out of desperation and what people say and single ladies pls turn down d cheating married men and send dem back to their wives…we,v all got our missing ribs..its all about the right TIME

    • Dee one

      July 31, 2014 at 11:04 am

      “But sometimes, I feel so lucky that iv not taken that huge step, because I feel pity for some married ladies whose husbands go around cheating.”

      This is self consolation my dear! You no see the ones wey dey enjoy and no dey cheat, na d negative ones you see?

      Pele o

    • Busarni

      July 31, 2014 at 1:22 pm

      @ Dee one; Buhahahahahaha, na real self consolation. Well, we all are in self denial some times in our life’s; it’s her opinion na.

    • bee pooja

      July 31, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      Its obvious u want to make a joke out of the serious topic on ground, but the point is if u are smart enough like u are indirectly attempting to be, you wud see where I wrote im not searching neither am i desperate, so self consolation has gat nothing on moi…kapish

    • Iya

      July 31, 2014 at 3:02 pm

      Please tell her… na really self consolation. I don’t envy you kinda talk but when the midnight hour comes…(In Moses voice). That time you were dating didn’t your Boo ri boo cheat? Heartbreak na heartbreak jor.

    • Nicole

      July 31, 2014 at 11:04 am

      Well said, Marriage in Nigeria has become a “keeping up with the joneses” effect. The people putting pressure on you have no respect neither do they have an idea of what the institution entails. I thought marriage should come after you find someone you cannot live without, someone you really want to share the rest of your life with. Yet women marry men they cant even stand, just to bear the title. I know someone who married someone she swore she would never date, just because all her peers were married and he was the only option available (How Pathetic). I am 22 and I have lost count of the married men that have come to me. My case is worse because I don’t get the pot-bellied worn-out ones. I get the newly weds, the fit ones, the ones you wont even believe are married. Its really hurts, because I always find out after I have fallen for them. I had one chase me for years, another one had a size 10 wife and was begging me (I was a size 16 bordering on 18 then)…..et cetera et cetera.
      Then some of my age mates who have decided to sell their youth to men who have no regard for their union or the institution try to bully me into marriage……lmao……#ByeFelicia #Getabettterambition

      Marriage is a beautiful thing, no doubt (which I would love to experience) but not at the expense of my self esteem, safety or sanity.

    • Grace E

      July 31, 2014 at 1:54 pm

      @Nicole ahahahah “bye Felicia”….. what’s all this Jackie??? *sigh* marriage is such a beautiful institution but we humans have totally messed it up…that being said, there are still people who respect the sanctity and do/will do all within their power to live up to their marital vows….

  10. sisi jules

    July 31, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Go gal! @Bee…….. i totally agree wit you. All cheating married men are fagot! and those gals going after them are fools.

  11. Doxa

    July 31, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Most of the time, Toke makes sense. This is one of such times. I respect the lady, she hustles her stuff and doesnt care what people say (at least not in the open). No matter what you do people must talk, so satisfy your conscience and enjoy your life.

  12. UUU

    July 31, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Am so tired nd sick of dis thin called “pressure frm d society” the race is not to d swift….Ladies listen “U r in no competition wif anyone’ on d last day we r all judged individually. Ur mum or frnds (who most aren’t happy in their marriages) who put u under pressure to make a wrong choice wont b there wen he is beating u,sleeping around or ignoring u in every aspect….so pls tk your time enjoy ur singlehood,develop ursef…nofin good comes easy that ur dream guy is likewise praying for a dream woman….i will end here!!!

  13. Gbubemi

    July 31, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Toke be real! It’s important to be married and it’s universal. Watch American CNN for 15 mins and three different matchmaking ads come up- eharmony, Christian mingle and match.com. It’s on every channel. I live in America where you can live how you want, but trust me ppl treat you better when you are respectfully married with children. How can you say it’s ok to be in the late 30’s and be un married. When do you want to have children ?? No one says the reality till you live the life. If I knew I would have gotten married in my early 20’s.

    • Dee one

      July 31, 2014 at 11:43 am

      All will be well dear

    • jnihillz

      July 31, 2014 at 12:24 pm

      she is not saying marriage is not important. She is saying its not the end of life.

    • nira

      July 31, 2014 at 12:26 pm

      its important to be married? really? so u got married not because you found the right person but because it was important. The ladies in their mid-30s not married, should they then commit suicide cos of that? Will marriage take you to heaven? Are you God who writes the destinies of Human Beings??? i mean i love LOVE, i believe in getting married to the love of your life and living happily ever after. But it should not be because it is important and people will treat me differently if i was married….if people’s attitude towards others is based on their marital status, then thats so pathetic…Gosh…how people think, as if they are God.

    • Busarni

      July 31, 2014 at 1:28 pm

      okay Mrs Gbubemi, you are married? what next? Abeg it’s people like you that make the unmarried feel inferior. Do you think they like being unmarried and whats all the brouhaha about being in your late 30’s and not married. Do you think all women were created to have children? Be happy, love God, be kind , that’s all that matters. When i look at some of my married friends i shake my head and say marriage indeed.

    • Grace E

      July 31, 2014 at 1:49 pm

      lmaooo @Gbubemi chill small u kinda misconstrued it…..yes, it is nice to get married and the companionship and all other things that come with it is amazing…but I do feel that it is important not to just settle for anything cos of pressure and what not..because when u are miserable, even your mother will not help u..all she can do is console u…if u are in a miserable marriage, the society can’t help..!!u carry your own load and suffer the pain alone. there are married people there who wish they had waited a little longer to mature and look for the right qualities in a mate..there is some wisdom in waiting too..and then there are those who rushed into it and then they are married and still soooo lonely and miserable…in the latter instant pls tell me which would have been better? to be married or to have remained single? so it all boils down to each individual because at the altar abi the woman is the one who says “I do” rather that “me and the society do” OR “my friends and I do” or “my family and I do”…before God it is u and the man/woman and He doesn’t take into account who pressured u to marry…

    • wendy

      July 31, 2014 at 2:32 pm

      “but trust me ppl treat you better when you are respectfully married with children”

      Are you for real???? I guess that you are talking about your Nigeria community in America…

      You are very funny about the match making advert….People do dating service for different reasons… Do you realize that they have people who like to only date ? . Do you realize that they have people who dont want to get married??? Do you realize that they have people who are married but dont want Kids(Well i guess that u might look at them like trash)??? Do you realize that they have people who want to wait until they are certain age(Meaning above 40+) before they get married? ??I have always said to people…never you judge someone unless you are in their shoes….

    • the bull

      July 31, 2014 at 10:47 pm

      “if I knew I would have gotten married in my early 20s” lucky you! We don’t all have the option of marrying anybody when we want. I want to believe you misunderstood the post. There are many Nigerians that will encourage you to get married and accept whatever BS, just for the sake of being married. I have a relative that provides everything for her family, her husband watches CNN all day, contributes nothing she complained they told her to go for deliverance that it is the devil. She married that man cos of pressure and there are many like that.

  14. bangold

    July 31, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Toke God bless u for this

  15. Ifeanyi

    July 31, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    I think ‘girls’ create the pressure for themselves…they beef themselves…compare what they have with what ‘busola.” has…busola feels everything is all glowing except when she is at home with her husband…and yet the Husband feel he married busola-friend…#Ironic e live in a world of Unsatisfied Ladies

    I once dated a girl that kept telling me…I was not this and that…not handsome-enough, not rich enough…bla..bla..bla..not measuring up to standard…whatever that standard means…fast-forward 4 years towards the future…am married to a girl I really love…pepper resting…and she prepared to be my side chick…Smell the Coffea! I don’t do side chick…One Man-One Woman and the Rest can keep creating problems for themselves

    Forget it! There are no pressure…Scarcity and Choice are necessary factors in the world we live in…for they should never despise the days of small beginning….Ladies create ‘pressures’ for themselves…there are no pressures anywhere!

  16. aisha

    July 31, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Nice 1 Toke….Totally agree with you on dis!!!! Lots of gurls out der are so desperate right now and are even ready to settle down for anything that comes their way….Maybe people really need to know the different between marriage and wedding…Enjoy your dating period ladies and please avoid married guys! They have nothing to lose….

    • Shany

      August 1, 2014 at 7:54 pm

      EXACTLY!!!!!

      A Wedding and marriage are two separate things. Sure, the wedding will take you to the marriage but it’s only one day whereas your marriage is (hopefully) decades! After the one day, all you’ll have is the pictures, then what??

  17. Esther

    July 31, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    I don’t think women should be pressured into marriage but marriage is a beautiful thing if you get it right. The focus should be on doing it with the right one than not doing it at all. Toke here is very married, so wisdom is key.

    • Grace E

      July 31, 2014 at 2:25 pm

      @Esther…u are a wise woman!!! 100% agree with u

  18. portia

    July 31, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    I have a friend who got married and is out of marriage in less than one year! She is into competiting with other chicks about who will get married 1st. She splashed her life on bbm and facebook. Its sad!!

  19. oj

    July 31, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    toke makes sense. the pressure to get married is much! open facebook on monday and your page is filled with wedding photos or pics that say “Be playing hard to get. Your mates are getting married every saturday.”

  20. Dee one

    July 31, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    We need to differentiate between pressure and compassion/care.

    1. We live in a communal society that everyone is a part of another. It is just necessary that people who are around you cares about your life and success. If you ain’t doing well in school, you see them showing this same attitude; if you are unemployed, you see them all running around for you. Therefore when it comes to marriage issue, you cannot say they should care or be bothered about you or leave you alone.

    If you are a parent, you married, gave birth to children and the wards now attain a marriageable age and not yet married or even dating, won’t you be bothered? What is all their labour for after all? All their years of sacrifice paying high tuition fees, sending you abroad just to make sure all is well with you in life-should be in waste? naaa .If no one cares about you now, you will say they hate you.

    I believe it is not pressure per se, it is out of care, concern and compassion.

    2. Can we just stop this opinion of ” when i see what others are going through, i am happy am not even married”. Millions round the world are married and doing fine. Misunderstanding are inevitable between two adults coming from different backgrounds, socialization process, values, norms and ascribed meanings to events. If you see a couple have an issue, it is inevitable and it gets settled. Only a weak hunter is afraid of what he will meet in the forest. A real hunter is prepared for anything that comes his way.

    Rather than dwell on the few negative ones, you can focus on the positive ones. That will stimulate you and spur you to take the appropriate steps.

    3. Next time when you taking advices from people, make sure they are people wearing the same shoe cos you cant be in another shoe and telling me how it feels in my own shoe. The adviser here is married. Probably if shes single and in her mid 30s she will understand the plight of those wearing the shoes.

    4. Lets leave the issue of pressure/concern out, in our personal closet, don’t we think about it once in a while? so if people show their concern, you shouldn’t see it as a pressure but concern from them

    • c'est moi

      July 31, 2014 at 6:31 pm

      best comment so far! i am happily married and the term happy doesn’t come near as to describing the peace i feel with my love. i pray for my friends to get married as well so they can experience something beautiful like i am experiencing. pressure? never but a nudge once in a while, certainly. Don’t let people fool you, your marriage is what you make of it. If all people hear are negative stories about marriage, well let me be the first to tell you my life is simply beautiful! I’m not bragging, its a conscious decision we made to endeavour to always keep things fresh and exciting. For the topic, negative people aside, it is people who care about you that would always remind you to give a thought to something as beautiful as marriage. Afterall, when you eventually do get married, you alone will enjoy what you make of it.

    • J

      August 20, 2014 at 4:34 am

      let me know the society bubble you live in??

  21. AVID BLOG READER

    July 31, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    The pressure to marry is in every society. What people fail to realize is that marriage will not fulfill you if you are not already fulfilled. Marrying just for the sake of it is one of the worst thing anyone can. Being happy what ever your status is the key to living your best life. And Toke while I like your POV on this topic, it seemed a little condescending to unmarried ladies coz of the mere fact that you were strategically sitting in front of your wedding pic.

    • Koffie

      July 31, 2014 at 10:54 pm

      Hahahahahaha @strategically sitting in front of wedding picture.

  22. NNENNE

    July 31, 2014 at 11:08 pm

    Well said, Toke.

  23. cindy

    August 1, 2014 at 7:25 am

    Well said toke

  24. claire

    August 1, 2014 at 9:51 am

    I do not see anything wrong with Toke discussing pressures from society regarding marriage while her wedding picture is on the wall. Toke being a married woman shouldn’t stop her from being able to discuss such topics, for she may have experienced pressure prior to her own marriage or she could be talking from experience (who knows). I think it is actually fair for her to look at marriage from the perspective of unmarried women as she was once in that situation.

    In my opinion, Marriage should not be rushed. Its a major life commitment which has to be approached with vigilance. Most of us (if not all) have the desire to get married once and once only. Pressure should not be applied in such circumstances. it is more important to STAY married than to GET married!

  25. Lindsey

    August 3, 2014 at 3:01 am

    Lmao….9 months ago, this chic was waxing a different kind of dust. Hahaha. The same hiefer that scheduled a registry wedding And maje no show? The same girl that bullied maje into marrying her? This chic is throwing shade at her single friends and her sitting in front of her wedding portrait yearning dust says it all

  26. omoh

    August 5, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Am single,I met som1 who is already married and stil lire that is not when I find out d tuth about him I decided to let go.married men should stay with they wife and single ladis should als stop dattin them.

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