Praise Otito Obanya: What Is Our Society’s Definition of the “Strong Woman”?

A thoughtful young woman sits in a relaxed pose in a serene bedroom, reflecting peacefully. Photo credit: Alex Green/Pexels.

You have probably heard a woman described as strong. But have you ever considered why such an adjective was used for the woman?

In my relatively short time on earth, when a woman is described as strong, in some cases, the description was well deserved. However, in many others, the term was used for women who were grossly disadvantaged, mistreated or burdened by unfair expectations, yet continued to endure them. It was used to describe women who diminished themselves to accommodate unfairness.

It is this version of the strong woman that this essay examines. She will henceforth be referred to as TSW.

In many Nigerian societies, who is TSW? TSW is the woman with a philandering husband who, rather than prioritising her own well-being, is encouraged to tolerate his behaviour at the risk of losing her peace of mind, her health, and sometimes even her life. TSW is the woman who is expected to live as though her skin is made of titanium rather than flesh. She endures the beatings of the loving man in her life, who is merely correcting her because he wants her to become a better version of herself. TSW is applauded by society for remaining in abusive relationships. She is praised as a good woman, an ideal woman, a strong woman. She is encouraged to stay and endure because of her children. Apparently, a toxic environment plays a tremendous role in a child’s healthy development.

A woman once told me the story of how her husband’s infidelity resulted in a child six years ago. She had thought she had found a way to live with it, especially as the child did not live with them in their matrimonial home. However, her husband recently decided to bring the child home, and she did not think she could bear that because she would then be confronted daily with a reminder of his betrayal. She was therefore seeking advice on how to handle the situation. 

The argument could be made that she should have ended the marriage six years earlier when she discovered the infidelity, particularly given how deeply she was affected by the betrayal. By her own account, the incident caused her significant pain, but she chose to bury those emotions. Ultimately, whether she should have left the marriage is a personal matter. The focus here is not on judging her decision, but on examining the expectations society places on women in such situations. Had the roles been reversed and her husband discovered that she had a child with another man, many people would likely have considered ending the marriage understandable, if not justified. Why then are women so often expected to endure similar betrayals as proof of virtue, devotion or strength?

Therefore, in society’s eyes, as a prime example of TSW, she had to forgive and stay in the marriage, even if she was badly hurt. She had to keep her emotions buried, but emotions can be like a flood breaking through a dam. Six years later, after being society’s shining example of TSW, she found herself having to confront the pain of her husband’s infidelity all over again.

I am not sure how the story ended, but as far as society is concerned, she most likely had two options: Continue being the perfect template of TSW and bury her feelings once again to preserve the marriage and please her husband, or lose her TSW credibility by becoming a woman who speaks her mind and recognises that her wellbeing is just as important as the needs of her husband.

Meanwhile, there are several variations of TSW: She is the woman who eventually contracts HIV/AIDS or another sexually transmitted disease from the man she stood by because she would not let another woman take him or give up her family for a stranger. There are people who will encourage her to remain strong, but will never question why the man she clung to so tightly did not value their relationship and family as much as she did. Because if he did, he would not have engaged in behaviour that endangered both.

Another variation is the woman who ends up in an early grave after years of beatings, leaving behind the very children who were often presented as her reason for remaining with the oppressor. She is the woman who, even when physically ill, is still expected to carry out every domestic chores. She is the woman who, despite not being abused, is celebrated for giving birth only to male children. She stands in sharp contrast to those weak women who have only daughters. Apparently, giving birth to female children involves no labour pains, and women who bear only daughters experience a birthing process akin to those of marsupials and herd animals. More remarkably, TSW is somehow credited with determining the child’s sex, as though biology itself bends to accommodate her strength.

Sadly, when the chickens come home to roost, and TSW begins to suffer the physical, emotional, psychological, social, or economic consequences of years of abuse, she becomes a foolish woman in the eyes of the same society that once celebrated her as TSW for enduring atrocities no human being should have to endure. No longer admired, she is now ridiculed, blamed, and used as a cautionary tale. Her children, who were often presented as the reason she should remain in that hell, either lose her entirely or are left with only a shell of the woman she once was. After years of growing up in a toxic environment, they carry deep trauma, fear, and, in some cases, a greater likelihood of perpetuating the same harmful patterns they witnessed. 

This article, despite its sarcastic tone, is not meant to belittle the challenges that come with being in abusive relationships or to mock those who find themselves in such situations. Rather, it is meant to help women understand that you do not have to be resilient at the expense of your well-being to be strong. You should never allow the popular question, “What will people say?” to stop you from doing what is right for you.

It is also intended as a wake-up call for society to examine its definition of TSW. TSW therefore needs to be redefined. The term should never be used to excuse, accommodate, encourage, or tolerate abuse, unfairness or injustice. Instead, it should be used to encourage women to speak up against unfairness, stand firm in their refusal to be relegated to the background or treated as inferior, pursue their dreams, and become sources of inspiration to those around them. Strength should not be measured by how much suffering a woman can endure, but by her willingness to value her dignity, protect her well-being, and stand up for herself when faced with unfairness.

So, the next time you hear a woman being referred to as a “strong woman,” ask whether the compliment is truly to her credit, or it is to her detriment.