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Aunty Bella: Miss Should I Tell

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1206003_Woman_silhouette_sadAunty Bella is our advice segment on BN. It is an opportunity for readers to share their issues and commenters give advice.
We received this email yesterday and had some debate on what to do. We decided that it is important to discuss this sensitive issue to raise discourse on solutions, to show potential victims the warning signs and to let others know that they are not alone. It is unfortunate that in Nigeria, it is very difficult to report and prosecute sexual assault. Most incidents of sexual assault are by people known to the victim so often times it is very difficult for the victim to realize that it is indeed assault. Please give ‘Miss Should I Tell’ words of encouragement and if something similar has happened to you, you are not alone. Please seek counselling from a relative, pastor or counsellor.

Editors Note: We have communicated with Miss Should I Tell and are glad that she has undergone counselling. If you have been through similar, please talk to someone and do not hold guilt in! It is not your fault. It is sad that we have heard similar stories quite often especially from university and secondary students. Manipulative men attempting and in some cases succeeding in taking advantage. We are searching for the details of reputable assault crisis centres in Lagos. If you know any, please send details to bella @ bellanaija.com

Account below is unedited at request of sender
_______________________________________________________
Dear Aunty Bella,

I have read most if not all the stories on your site, I loved the way people responded and were ready to help with their advice hence why I decided to share this pain that is eating me up. I have written the whole truth here which is why what you are about to read might contain some adult stuffs, so please feel free to edit it but I’ll rather you didn’t so that people can get the true picture of things.I really hope my story will be posted because I need to talk to someone but I just can’t, which is why I am here to get advice from people who don’t know me.

I hope I don’t bore you with my tale, please kindly notify me if you can when my story is posted so that I can follow what advice is given. I’ll follow up with updates.
Actually am in my very early 20’s, I have been in a relationship for the past three years with someone I respect & adore, notice I didn’t mention love, that’s because I don’t think I can love as is expected, (due to one thing or the other i have seen around me), so i can only say I love him in my own special way.
Due to my insecurity about men, refused to have full sex with him right from the start & I was a virgin when I met him. We sometimes play with each other, romance & stuff but there was never anything penetrative.
I noticed that I was mostly cold whenever we were fooling around. I was not sure if I was the one not relaxed enough or if he was not getting it right, so I was always wondering but I didn’t talk about it.

A few months ago I went for my industrial training in Lagos. On this particular day, when I went searching for a placement I received a call from a friend of mine, she said she gave someone my number & that he was going to call me soon; surprised I asked why and who but the line dropped, not quite 10 minutes later my phone beeped, it was a strange number, I picked the call & the caller introduced himself as “Arem”, he said my friend gave him my number, I told him she just called me now and that I am still surprised & was going to call her back because she knows I don’t like giving people I meet my number not to talk of someone I have not met. He apologized and said she was at his place once when I called her, he liked my voice on phone and has been pestering her to give him my number since that time. He asked if we could see, I said no because I was searching around for my industrial placement.

I finally resumed at a place two weeks later and all through that two weeks we spoke frequently, we later agreed to meet. We met at an eatery and discussed, we clicked or so i thought to myself, he continued calling me a lot.
He was nice, caring, matured & everything I actually admire in a man, I knew I should not have anything to do with him because I had a boyfriend and really I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, but I was in desperate need of someone to talk to. Both of my parents were battling with different sickness, my dad with diabetes, and my mum with partial stroke. My boyfriend and I were not on speaking terms and I don’t really have friends I open up to except my boyfriend. My own brothers were also living with their own fears mostly for my mum because it was so bad she could hardly do things for herself (Am not trying to justify myself because I know regardless of what I was going through I should not have taken that step, I know that now but then I was just overwhelmed & I just met someone who was ready to listen to me and share my pain, or so i thought).

We met again at his house, he made passes but I told him i just needed a friend. That was when I asked why he was staying alone, he then told me he was married with three kids and that his family is in England. We talked about his kids and even his wife because I didn’t have anything in mind. With time we saw each other more often, like once a week or twice in three weeks. I went to his house once and things got a bit heated, I found myself responding because am always at ease when with him, you know married men are mostly charmers, we fooled around for a while but I didn’t let it get too far, he asked why, i told him the story of how I have not slept with my boyfriend for over 3 years (though I did not expect him to believe my story of not sleeping with my boyfriend of three years , i mean who would? – this was why I could not share my feelings with my friends). I told him that if I was going to sleep with anyone then I think I’ll rather it be my boyfriend who waited 3yrs, to be the first. He (Arem) told me to rather let who I’ll not regret be the first.

We met at eateries at several more times then he will drop me at home. On one occasion, I went to see him at home, we started fooling around and it became too intense for me (situations like this have occurred like twice before but we didn’t go too far). I told him to let me up, but he refused he held me down saying – after all we agreed we could fool around without having penetrative sex. I told him this was becoming too intense, he wouldn’t listen, I tried standing but he sat astride and said he just put the head of him at the tip of me. I thought of a lot of things, but I knew I could not scream because I went there with my two legs.
He didn’t go in fully but well how would I know it was the first time a male sex organ would get there. I felt uncomfortable after, he spilled on me so I feared I could be with his child and I just didn’t know what to do or what to use.
Arem actually called me the next day and said he didn’t think I had not had sex before, imagine my shock, he said yes that I probably have lost my virginity while fooling around with my boyfriend and hence he doesn’t see why we can’t have full sex. I started crying because it dawned on me there and then what I had gotten myself into. I cheated and mailed one of these online agony aunts (more like shrinks) who actually helped me out, she told me not to see him again but I just could not because I felt I was kinda tied to him , I think of him like every time, without even considering my relationship again.

During this time, I and my boyfriend made up, but we have not seen each other for like 4 months, I decided to travel to see him in school, (we attend the same school, he is in his finals while i am in my semi finals). I didn’t see my period on time but it eventually came by which time “Arem” had traveled to England to see his family. I made up my mind not to have anything to him, but that I wont fight with him cos he might be useful in future because he is quite influential. He came back and expected us to pick up where he left off but I refused. He knew I was talking to someone but what he didn’t know was who, he knew I didn’t have friends I open up to.

I told Jean (the agony aunt) everything including the fact that he once studied psychology. Jean said I was being manipulated and that he telling me I was not a virgin is just a way of saying we can start having sex. Jean and I corresponded a lot and she helped me quite a lot. I started by deleting his numbers from my phone though I knew one of his numbers off heart so when he calls I knew who was calling, I stopped calling him all together and stopped sending messages also. I saw him once after he came back to the country, he was sick and he asked that I come visit, I went thinking what harm could a sick person do , but I was wrong, he made moves but I refused vehemently. He dropped me off at home and since then I spoke to him once when the friend who gave him my number initially came over to see me and asked to speak with him, since she didn’t have his number anymore I called him for her & they spoke. Since then I have not spoken to him.

Note:- I didn’t do this because I was in need or as an Aristo thing cos believe me the man did not give me things, maybe on two occasions he gave me transport fare back home , the once in a while food @ eateries, 4 clothes as gifts on his return from England ( fter the scene) & that was all and besides I was been paid where I was having my IT.

The thing is, its about three months now since I moved on and I feel so guilty I am thinking of ending my relationship so as not to cause him (my boyfriend) pain , my experience has made me appreciate him (my boyfriend) more and I don’t want to loose him but I cant live with this guilt anymore. Please should I tell him and watch what will happen or should I just let things be and keep quiet?
NB. I am not looking for sympathy, I was wrong, I know it & I accept it, I am only looking for a way forward. I need your advice.

46 Comments

  1. nono

    September 16, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    Hmmmm…..tell your boyfriend but be prepared to live with the consequences, he might not want to be with you anymore but guess what you’ll get through it and as they say if it was meant to be with your boyfriend then it shall be. Goodluck my dear and please be very careful next time. You sound naive which makes you an easy prey for charmers like the one youu’ve described

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  2. Wow

    September 16, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    For the first time, I am actually almost unable to offer advice. This is a deep one. He definitely was manipulating you. The important thing is you recognised the situation and have taken steps to end it. I’m glad you’ve gotten counseling. I have dated his type and I know what it can be like. It’s almost impossible to explain how, but it happens to the best of us. Keep your head up love. Consider it a learning experience, albeit a painful one and make the most of the lessons learned. If your heart says go with the BF, by all means do.
    I like your spirit. You strike me as a young woman who is coming into her own and recognising what is best for her. All is well sweetie.

    1
  3. buffy

    September 17, 2009 at 12:08 am

    well ds is rily sad and funny enuf i ve bin tru somtin lyk ds b4,married men can be such jerks..dy jst wnt a sexmate,dy dnt cre if u r in a relatnship.bt u knw wat,d truth wld b knwn oneday,sumhw cz …if he eventually marries u,ur present bf wld knw u r no longer a virgin and be mad,so jst tell him.he may 4giv u or nt bt be free wiv ur mind cz its nt as if u gt infected,pregnant or sumtin worse so ur case iznt dt bad.so i wld advice u tell him and face any decision ur bf makes cos at d end u hv bin true to him and u….u sound lyk a nice gal and hp all ends well at d end.

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  4. uche

    September 17, 2009 at 12:23 am

    sweet, u r just like me. Its just that the strictness of my mum has been my shield and ultimately God.

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  5. Deebs

    September 17, 2009 at 1:06 am

    Honey first things first, take care of you and deal with your boyfriend later. #1. if its been six months after the incident get an HIV test, especially because he came on you. I hate t be the bearer of bad news, but its is likely, although less so. Second of all, tell your boyfriend when you are ready, ready to deal with talking about the incident and when you are ready to deal with whatever his response might be. You have to bear in mind that although you and him were not on talking terms he might view this as you cheated on him, or he migh be upset that he waited for you for so long and you “gave” it to someone else. Either way, when you tell him, tell because it will help YOU and not him.
    Thirdly, it is NOT your fault and I don’t care if you walked there with you two legs, opened the door to his bedroom and stripped, seriously in a lot of countries you are not allowed to even touch a stripper during a private dance that you’re paying for, not to talk to have sex with her. So my dear, if any one tries to make you feel bad by saying, well you went there, they are wrong. If anything you gave him the benefit of the doubt by assuming that he was responsible enough not to coerce you into doing anything.

    But most of all, best of luck. Pray, have faith and know that whatever happens, God dey!

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  6. ibukun adebayo

    September 17, 2009 at 2:37 am

    Most married men are manipulators…….i will advise u to suck it up and tell ur b’ and be ready to face the consequences, i know it’s hard,but dont worry it is well with you and hopefully u will come back and tell us that u r getting married to ur bF(Just being positive)….Good luck dear

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  7. NP

    September 17, 2009 at 2:48 am

    I am not sure I understand this tale. Did you or did you not lose your virginity to “Arem’? More importantly, why exactly do you want to tell your boyfriend now? Is it simply to relieve yourself of the guilt (which, I have to add, is a pretty selfish thing to do) or do you honestly believe that telling him will bring about the resolution and peace of mind that you need to ‘move forward’? I don’t believe in saying things that add no value or change things for the better. In my opinion, spilling the beans at this point has no value, especially if you didn’t lose your virginity to ‘Arem’. I’d suggest you count the encounter a painful learning experience, suck up the guilt and keep it moving.

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  8. Kpakpando

    September 17, 2009 at 5:50 am

    It’s really up to you if you want to share that with your boyfriend. Personally I wouldn’t tell him, for two reasons. The first, is based on what I’ve read, your boyfriend doesn’t seem like the supportive type (giving you silent treatment when both of your parents are ailing) and his reaction my be to hurt you with his words which is not what you need. You really don’t need his guilt trip or accusations. The second reason, I don’t think this is a permanent relationship and there’s no need to share everything with someone who is in your life for a season.

    But first things first, cut off that so called friend of yours who pimped you out. She’s not your friend.

    Other advice I would give is to get a better support system around you, some friends, a church home, a meet up group, cousins, something sha. You sound pretty lonely (this is not meant to be mean spirited) and that feeling of being alone with nobody else to share your burden is not the best place to be as your life goes through the many changes. You need to start expanding your support system, so you know that you always have options.
    It might take you a while to get to the point where you can say “I was sexually assaulted” but that’s what it was even with the lack of penetration. Once you said no, regardless of whether your two, four or eight legs brought you there voluntarily, it was assault; especially since you had a previous conversation and had set ground rules. I know you’re probably feeling like all this was your fault, but you cannot own “Arem’s” violation of your body, it wasn’t your fault.

    Final thing I will say is forget the fact that Arem is influential now.., you will not need him to get to where your journey in life is taking you, besides in this life, someone’s sphere of influence can change overnight. You don’t need him.

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  9. africanbabe

    September 17, 2009 at 6:06 am

    first off all hun..am not trinna make u feel any worst about what happend but at the same time, once u knew he waz married thats when u shuld have stop encoraging him but u picked a married man as a friend. and u allso said dat u dont have alot of friends because u dont trust people enough to tell them ur problems, so why wuld u trust a married man who u knew wanted 2 sleep wid u…am nat sayin wat he did waz rite but if u truly respect ur b/f u wont think of goin 2 another man’s house, nat just any man but a man u knew wanted moe than just bein friends…let me tell u sumthin about men, once they know a woman is vulnerable they take da advantage of getting wat they want..But nwayz da past is da past n thats wat makes us who we r n teaches us how 2 handle things differently..At da sametime i think for u 2 b free u shuld tell ur boyfriend, he deserves 2 know da truht kuz no one likes 2 stay in da dark..So hun tellin him wuld b da best thing kuz it will make u feel a lil better n deal wid da next step…i feel 4 u and wish u good luck

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  10. brown sugar

    September 17, 2009 at 6:27 am

    A wise woman once said the heart of a woman holds many secrets.
    I hope you’ve learned your lessons after that experience.
    You do not need to tell your boyfriend anything! If i read correctly, you were not fully penetrated because if he went in fully, trust me, you would know. not that it makes things any better but it will certainly make things worst if you open your mouth. Wait after 6 months without doing anything else with anybody, go get tested for EVERYTHING, ( I pray to God you are fine) and move on with your boyfriend. After several months, you will get back to your original tightness. i doubt he will notice a thing and if he does, D-E-N-Y.

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    • jane

      August 29, 2011 at 8:03 pm

      i agree with u @brown sugar, a woman heart holds many secret. tellin ur boyfriend is a selfish tin. u just want to jusitfy ur actions and make ur self feel better. its not going to do any1 any good. trust me, its only 1 in a 1000 men that would still want to be with u after anoda man has slept with u and i can say ur bf is not that 1. pls dnt say anytin. u r still a virgin so there is nothin to say (even if u v bin disvirgined). u r in ur early 2o’s rite, as time goes on, as a woman, u will find out in future experiences that u go thru so many tins that u nid to shut up about

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  11. common sense

    September 17, 2009 at 8:55 am

    Don’t tell your boyfriend nada…he sounds kinda selfish, what issues were you guys having that could not be put aside when you were having problems, even tho this should not be used as an excuse, that being said,.

    Telling him seems like you’re trying to relieve urself of your guilt and trust me, he will make u pay, after you have given him the impression that he has to buy the cow in order to drink the milk, you now want to go ahead and tell him you almost gave a MARRIED man who will not even pay upfront for the cow a taste of the milk…..ahhhh…he will not forgive you oh and that is even putting it lightly, he will not only leave you, but he will prolly tell ur biz to the world esp wen ur mutual friends ask y you broke up and he will sooooooo embellish the story and trust me, ive been in this same EXACT situation and we had dated for 3 yrs as well. Men are possesssive beings and he wont be able to handle the thought of another man pawing you, men are visual beings and he’ll keep running the images through his mind, he’ll want to put you through the grinder and ask you so many questions of what you and Arem did while you were together, and this may eventually lead him to feel he has a rite of passage to that thing your holding back, he may see it as the only way of making up for ur folly, after which there is no guarantee whatsoever that he still won’t leave you.

    Thief na thief only when dem catch am, better keep your mouth shut, if you can’t, give it a few months and if you still can’t handle the guilt, call it off with him, you’ll be better for it.

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  12. Cutee4

    September 17, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Ditch your boy friend, from your description of him he is someone that is not there for you (especially when your mum and dad has health issues) and you cannot connect with him (he is supposed to be your friend). Go to God for support and healing for He will give you beauty for ashes.

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  13. Ladi

    September 17, 2009 at 9:10 am

    What is the married dude tells?

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  14. AM

    September 17, 2009 at 9:24 am

    Cut off your friend who gave a MARRIED man your number. Stay away from married, engaged or ‘taken’ men prying for young women like you.

    If your boyfriend is supportive, he might understand. I think your should tell him if you both have a future together because men kiss and tell and he would probably find out if Arem is influential, he can tell/ exagerrate the story and people including your bf would believe.

    If you’re not breaking up with your bf now and plan to have a future with him, then TELL him. If he finds out 15years down your marriage, for example, it would be a nasty situation. Its better if he knows now because with tim, both of you will get over it.

    If he did something similar, would you like him to tell you? If yes, then do the same for him

    Ps, you didn’t go all the way, Thank God! and like me (a virgin with a bf of 2yrs), I would suggest you wait until marriage for sex so then, its really a precious moment for the deserving guy who won’t bring up Arem when you sleep with him before marrying him. Get a support group and expand your ‘friends’ network through church youth groups or places with POSITIVE people.

    I hope you heal quickly!!!! God bless dear!

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  15. Bimbo

    September 17, 2009 at 10:42 am

    1. openess in a relationship is important. you and your bf were not together and you made some wrong decisions based on bad judgment. discuss it and deal with it.

    2. the person who gave you the wait 6months and you’ll be tight again- seriously don’t you guys in nigeria get sex education? She wasn’t penetrated therefore still intact.

    3. you can only get HIV when bodily fluids are exchanged.

    4. you can not get pregnant from having cum on your skin , where’s the egg to be fertilized on your skin???

    5. what is a married man befriending you for? you knew what you were doing.

    On a serious note you ladies in nigeria need to grow up

    1
  16. Truth

    September 17, 2009 at 11:44 am

    I will only address one point in this letter and that is the point of “influential men”. Please do not get sucked into the idea that because someone is influential you should not mess up the relationship or contact with that person. Even if you think he can be of help in the future, I’m not sure his assistance would give you any peace of mind. Most times when some “influential men” help you out, they do so with an alterior motive i.e. they expect something in return and would manipulate you until you “PAY” them back for the favour. You will meet so many people in your lifetime and some would come your way to advance your life etc without alterior motives. The best thing you can learn or decide for yourself is that your destiny and greatness is not tied to “one useless” man, no matter how influential he may appear to be. Infact this so called “influential man” may not be able to help you when push comes to shove. So please forget this guy, move on and learn your lessons. Hope all works out well for you and please don’t fool around with married men or “taken” men – think about the pain and anguish thier wives or girlfriends would go thorugh if they found out.

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  17. uguysramazn

    September 17, 2009 at 11:49 am

    grow up as regards?wat are u all about..she askd for advice n u have a right to give ur advice,but sayn we nigerain ladies have issues i dont get it….we all different n everyone has a right to their advice…shwo,aunty Bimbo.of which u r one of us of,as ur name is bimbo

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  18. Bebe

    September 17, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    I dont think you should tell your boyfriend about this. You guys will most likely break up…and then you’ll forever be the girl who cheated in his mind, and he will forever be the guy who couldnt forgive you despite the fact that you told the truth. Besides, telling him puts too much pressure on him and what’s to say he won’t do same to you in future [just to get back at you] or bring it up in d heat of an argument, u know how these things are.
    I just think you shouldn’t tell anyone, even your friends and family. Know it is a cross you will have to bear, and seek professional counseling if you feel the need to talk it out.

    If you dont want to be with the your boyfriend any longer, [married man issues aside] you can leave [but dont stay out of guilty conscience or the fact that you owe him something bcos you havent had sex with him for 3 years] but i’d still say do not tell him anything.

    All the best with everything.

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  19. nenea

    September 17, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Dude what are you even saying….she definitely needs to get tested cos the guy spilled his stuff on her.What if she happened to have any kind of abrasion in or outside of her vagina at the time.With this your theory you better go get tested too!

    Also how do you know that everyone that has commented on here is in nigeria….and so what if they were?

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  20. Chydee

    September 17, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Am fully for the advice of not telling your boyfriend unless you guys get really serious…..even then… its not advisable. Just pray to God about it girl, he would help make things better.

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  21. Isoken

    September 17, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    I don’t think it’s wise to tell ur bf about what happened btw u and Arem, from ur story he seems to be a non chalant and selfish person(excuse me), even though i acknowledge his ability to have waited for 3yrs with sex. I think u are still young and u have a better life ahead of u, the choice to cont or ditch him is urs, but pls gal don’t even consider telling him what transpired. It will def hurt him, he might want to demand for it now that he knows u can give it out and maybe finally ditch due to lack of trust and betrayal. The truth is that every woman (married or single) has a secret, this might just be urs! Learn from it and be wise! for the married men, they are def up to no good so avoid them like a plague. All the best gal.

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  22. Nneka

    September 17, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    I wish I could erase many comments here and tilt the ‘commentary scale’ a bit.
    I’ll just say this: DO NOT TELL HIM ANYTHING……EVER.
    Worst case scenario: You two get married and he finds out you are not a virgin (I still think you are though….or did you see any blood???). Tell him you were molested as a kid r something. And you never regarded that as a sexual experience due to the scars. So technically, you’ve not been with a man willingly. If he bails, then you cannot imagine what he would have done if you told him of the married Mr. incidence.

    Men are extremely jealous and unreasonable on issues like this. Even if you bf has done something similar, he will expect you to reason with him. But he will not tolerate it from you. AT ALL.

    Overall, please TRUST YOURSELF enough to keep your secret(s) and find the strength to move beyond it (them). The best kept secrets are those you keep to yourself. Trust me. Good luck and here’s a beary hug to cheer you up

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  23. Anon123

    September 17, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Okay…. here are my two cents:

    We would like to think that in a perfect world she could tell her bf, but in reality you can’t. If you want to maintain a LTR with him, then you should not. But it also doesn’t seem like you love him either… and after three years, love should be there. If you don’t love him now, I’m not sure that you can ever love him. So I think you should break it off with him as well. Don’t stay in a romantic relationship with a man just because you are used to him being around. You are on the right track already by not talking to the married man again, and you should keep it that way.

    I also advise you to really try to get some female friends. You need people around you who see how your relationship is to advise you. If you have trust issues, you can start with one female and continue from there. Trying to “confide” in male companions can lead you into trouble, especially if you relate to them on a deeper level and most of the interactions are one-on-one. Your female friends that you confide in would be there to caution you and offer advice when needed and you may not have gotten into this mess.

    You may or may not need to get tested for STDs. I’m not quite sure whether he just came on your skin or at the tip of your vag. If he came at the tip, then there is an exchange of bodily fluids there.

    1
  24. gifty

    September 17, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    my dear my candid advise to you is to tell your bf because if you eventually get married with such secret still btw you, the guilt will always eat you up, tell him and wait for his reaction. if he breaks up wiht you after telling him then dont worry move on with yur life. it is gud to be honest in any relationship.

    1
  25. Iya2

    September 17, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    OK!!
    First of all -It is well!
    Please dont let ANYONE make you feel like you are silly for what has happened to you. Like someone said, it happens to the BEST of us. You are really just growing up and will make mistakes. Just make sure your LEARN from them.

    Men are dogs! They will do ANYTHING to get laid. I have learned this and NO ONE is exempt. The only diff is that some dont want it as bad as others.

    From your story, I dont think you feel anything for your BF. If you dont feel anything when he touches you and then feel for this (though more experienced) married man, thats a red flag for me!! Before you go any further, you need to think DEEP and HARD about a future with the BF. Is this a man you can REALLY spend the rest of your life with? This is the issue for me here.

    Yes, go get tested! HIV, STDs, pregnancy (cuz those suckers can swim!!)
    Yes, check if your hymen was broken … do all that ….

    At the end of the day, if you are not going forward with the relationship, just keep your situation to yourself and know it was a learning process.

    So assume you wanna go forward with it?
    Be ready to loose the relationship cuz some men just cannot handle it.
    So you tell him what happened and tell him to deal with it or let you go.
    Not marry you and show you hell in future.
    I have a friend who went through the same thing and her hubby still yaps her anytime he feels like. That is crap! You should not have married me in the first place …. you feel me?

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  26. africhika

    September 18, 2009 at 1:55 am

    It seems that you are very mature. I commend your efforts to seek advice. as others have said, if you and BF deepen the relationship, he needs to know. u wouldn’t want him to keep such a secret. if you realize that you don’t want to continue with your BF, then don’t tell. is your BF really the one? think about it well. pray.

    i pray all turns out well. the friend who gave out your number, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER!!!???? that was just wrong! Jean has advised you well. erase ALL contact with this extremely disrespectful, manipulative married man. ERASE. who cares if he’s influential.

    know your worth. know that a married man should be taking you to lunch, in your house, etc. know your worth and flaunt it! let this experience strengthen your will of abstinence. be blessed.

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  27. Walk With Me

    September 18, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Dear sister, i commend you for your will to resolve an issue that plagues so many of us…i can see you at least know what may be right and what feels wrong. I need to say that telling a lie is not an option, you will need to keep telling another lie until lying runs out and then the truth will not be appreciated, you don’t need to apologise for what happened to you,just learn from it and leave the rest to God.

    In marriage, couples should be open to each other, the bible says Adam and Eve were both ‘naked’, meaning that they hid nothing from each other,a mature man who knows the place of you in his life will not harm you with your secrets but protect you and as your current BF is not your husband, you don’t even know if he will be, i suggest you tell him the truth and let God take over the situation.

    Please and please, it is not too early to seek God in your relationships going forward,since you have been able to ‘hold’ yourselve from sexual sin,please continue and ensure God is your covering. Choose friends that will not counsel you with unholy words,as you can see, a friend that is giving you a married man’s number has no idea of the impact on you and your God ordained destiny.

    Get up, dust yourself and move on, thank God for this opportunity to learn, who knows what greater harm God is protecting you from. Please get tested for health reasons, remain at peace with all involved with wisdom and look past the hurt from the past, the truth is the only thing that will set you free my sister…do the right thing.

    1
  28. Eden

    September 18, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Hmm…tricky and deep. First things first, it takes a certain level courage and maturity (as already mentioned in earlier posts) to admit your what has happened and more importantly accept that you were wrong. Hey, i’m not here to pass judgement – ‘he without sin should cast the first stone’ and let me tell you i’m not blemish free.

    In all honesty, you don’t appear to love your boyfriend (even by your own admission in the 2nd paragraph). It sounds like he’s more of a safety net for you as opposed to someone you trully want to ‘loving’ relationship with. You even cared more about ‘dirty man’ (let’s face it that’s what he is) than him so why put yourself through all the pain? Let go, take time for yourself to gain some composure and then start again. I know it’s easier said than done but your ability to cope with the cuvre balls life throws yo uand your threshold for delaing with pain is a lot more than you realise. What i’m trying to say is that you have the strength to do it but you have to believe in yourself. Take care of you girl.

    1
  29. luvlife

    September 19, 2009 at 12:11 am

    I want to say thank you for sharing your story. Through your experience, many will learn and few will fall prey to manipulators like “Arem.” You have learned your lesson and you need to deal with this issue for yourself and not for your boyfriend. You do not need to tell him anything. This should be between you and God and maybe a spiritual leader you decide to seek counsel with. I want to say cut off your friend, but it seems like she may also be as naive/clueless as you once were and so she may need someone like you around to guard her from a similar situation. In any case, you need to focus on things that matter-you, your family, your future and a worthy support system. Please don’t say anything to your boyfriend especially because you are not sure what future you have together. This too shall pass…….

    1
  30. ladi

    September 19, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    didn’t God say we shouldn’t lie? Well, maybe not telling him is not lying so yea, you might be right!

    1
  31. luvlife

    September 20, 2009 at 3:49 am

    honestly, i think she should end things with her boyfriend and move on. That way she will not need to keep things from him….

    1
  32. luvlife

    September 20, 2009 at 3:57 am

    …and I hate to say this but not everybody believes in God…….

    1
  33. Missy

    September 21, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    I would like to thank you soooo much for posting this up!
    A guy ive jus recently met (through a mutual friend) also tried to manipulate me into thinking that because me in and had fooled around, I too was no longer a virgin…you wouldnt believe how this guy was professing that I was no longer a virgin, so I should get that thought out of my mind, if that’s what was stopping me from sleeping with him.
    I had told my best male friend of the situation, and he said exactly what your agony aunt had said but I thought I had my hand on the situation…that I had enough ‘self-control’ to know how far to take it.
    But reading your story now, I realise just how easy it is to not loose control over yourself, but over the situation. Some of the things that occured with you, is like a mirror of my life…like you said…how can you scream, if you yourself went there willingly?

    Keep your head up, we live and learn…you’re not the first, and you surely won’t be the last…

    Thanks again

  34. nma

    September 22, 2009 at 3:30 am

    I find it very interesting that virtually everyone giving “advise” is squarely blaming the so called “dirty man” and the “friend who gave out her number”.
    Very very interesting.

    So, when “Ms should i tell” found out this man was married, why was she still seeing him? even after her initial sexual encounter with him?
    Did this so called “dirty man” drag her to his house and force her? Granted, she keeps saying she was looking for whom to talk to…but pls…when push comes to shove, man must react!….There must’ve been other avenues for her to exhale, and people for her to confide in, and even if not…once that boundary got crossed initially, every other event following that is on u….so don’t be acting like the helpless victim here.

    I am not here to beat a dead horse…bcos it seems she already knows she was wrong..but interestingly, she only admitted doing wrong to her boyfriend and feeling guilt for “cheating” on him…it didn’t seem as tho she felt remorse for committing adultery, neither did she mention feeling guilty for “messing around” with another woman’s husband.
    It baffles me more that many people commenting here, neglected that very glaring aspect too.

  35. niyi

    September 22, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    I think you just did what everyone was trying to avoid…beating a dead horse. She specifically asked for advise on what to do concerning her relationship with her boyfriend now that she realises the error of her ways and that has been the focus of most of the commenters her. first of all commending her bravery and second, giving an earnest opinion on what her next step to be. No one wants her reflecting on the past especially if nothing useful will come out of it.

  36. Kpakpando

    September 22, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    Nobody deserves to be raped or sexually assaulted, that’s what happened to her. Why blame her for being in the wrong place with the wrong man? Trust me everything you’ve said here, she probably has said to herself, and your “admonishments” may cause her more harm than good; I know the type of guilt and shame that she’s feeling. She doesn’t need to be further victimized by hearing that she’s acting like a “helpless victim.”
    I doubt that you meant to be harmful, but its no wonder rape & sexual assault are so underreported worldwide and in Africa especially. Victims of sexual assaulted are always blamed for “putting themselves in situations” or “not knowing better” as if they asked to be assaulted. A woman has a right to be in the company of a man without being assaulted in any way, shape or form.

  37. nma

    September 22, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    @ kpakpando…..Ur rape/molestation comment was not warranted atall….bcos i never sed she deserved what she got. I know she realizes her mistakes and all….but what struck me was how she felt guilt for cheating on her boyfriend, but never really mentioned feeling guilty for sleeping with another woman’s husband and actually still contemplating about keeping intouch for influential purposes (showing that she is either indeed naive or may not have realized the gravity of the whole occurance).

  38. nma

    September 22, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    *urrr i guess i should’ve sed “messing around with another woman’s husband”

  39. nma

    September 22, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    and in regards to ur comment about.. “why blame her for being in the wrong place with the wrong man”…lol…i’ll reserve my comment and not go off tangent from what my only point was about….its obviously now irrelevant ( since she has grown and learned from them)…there’s no need esp. since ur comment pertains to her, not just a random subject open for discussion.

  40. Kpakpando

    September 22, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    When you said

    “once that boundary got crossed initially, every other event following that is on u….so don’t be acting like the helpless victim here.”

    Sounds like you were blaming her for her sexual assault because she was messing around with a married man. Or is there some other way I’m supposed to read that?

  41. ladi

    September 23, 2009 at 6:24 am

    luvlife, i was responding to the above comment that brought up religion thats why i said God. Nothing wrong with that.

  42. miss b

    September 23, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    OMG dt is the worst advice ever! Secrets always come out in the end, and the longer they take, the worst the effect is. Put yourself in the guy’s position, how would you feel knowing your partner has been keeping such a big aspect of your life from them.
    But I do agree that men are very irrational when it comes to these things, so you have to accept that once you tell him, your relationship is pretty much over. To be honest, I think you have some personal issues to deal with, so my advice would be not to tell him, but take some time apart and really deal with how much this whole situation has affected you. Just be by yourslef and clear your head. Goodluck with it all!

  43. Gotta Go...

    September 29, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    So in other words, you all are saying she should run from the truth? The truth will set her free. If she doesn’t tell him now, one day it will catch up with her. If she tells him and he doesn’t want anything to do with her, then thats his loss.

  44. Bbola

    September 2, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    There is only one thing she needs to do. And that is to cut off that friend who suggested her as prey for that wretched man. For her to give him your number means that she’s telling you the exact type of person you are ; the type who fools around with married men.
    Don’t tell your boyfriend anything. Dump him and walk away. You are not emotionally connected to him I think. If you thought you truly loved him after 3 years, you would have said so. For some reason , you are distancing yourself from him emotionally. If you cannot connect with him after 3 years, then please walk away. But spare him the hurt.

  45. u dont lose what you never had

    September 2, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    abeg theres no need to tell him anything. some confessions count for nothing co what u dont no wont harm u. pls in times like this, silence is golden

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