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Aunty Bella: Mrs. Crashed Family Dream

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The Aunty Bella feature has been a part of Bella Naija since the early days of our existence. It is very special to us because we have actually learned a lot from the situations, responses and advice given. Today’s Aunty Bella is from Mrs. Crashed Family Dream, do read and offer him any words of advice and encouragement.

sad_black_womanAunty Bella,

My husband & I got married about 18months ago and while dating, we both expressed our love to have children. I love kids and want a big family and he was just realistic saying 3-4 was enough as raising kids in this generation can be quite tough.
We decided to wait 1-2years after marriage and then start having babies. We have waited for 18months and I thought we were ready. I couldnt feel more ready, All I see is cute babies everywhere – Facebook, neighbours, friends, family, etc. I just wanted to start having mine.

However, he does not want kids anymore.

He is even afraid of having sex with me and makes sure I take my contraceptives even when there is no penetration. When I don’t have my contraceptive or miss by a few days, “sorry, no sex hun…the condom might break!” He questions having kids in such a corrupt and unsafe world. I love kids, I want to have mine. I am 26 and want to start soon having my own babies. I love him very much but for the first time in 5years, I have doubted if it is worth staying with him anymore. I feel cheated, because we both talked about having a family while dating. Part of my attraction to him included how he handled kids – playing, hugging, smiling and carrying them. I always knew he would make a great dad.

I have achieved many things I wanted in my life, – career, marriage, work and I believe this is the next big step for me. We bought a big house last year and I thought, great! this is one step closer towards preparing for my big family. I always wanted a family; I want to experience the joy of motherhood, watch my kids grow, reignite the latent kids spirit in me, train them to be adults, attend their weddings and have grandchildren. This has been something I have always been quite vocal about from the very beginning. Everyone who knows me very well can testify that I have always loved kids and always wanted mine. It is a running joke with my friends – the girl that wants a soccer team!
Someone asked me if my reaction would be the same if we both tried and found out that we can’t have kids. That I can deal with because I know we both tried, then maybe we can adopt, we can try other means like IVF etc etc. I never knew having kids would define our relationship this way; it has always been me and him.

I am getting very agitated and emotional. I have a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind. I keep questioning the worth of being married to him? I know its wrong and against my belief. I get asked if I want to throw away 5years of our wonderful life together just like that? But in 20years time, maybe I would wish I threw away this 5years that seemed so big and have 15years or 10 or 8 adopting kids and being a happy fulfilled mother and probably girlfriend (maybe not a wife) .
I just foresee a situation where eventually, he wants to start children and maybe I am either too old for that or we have lost the spark and moved on.

Right now, I can’t sleep and he brushes it away anytime I want to discuss this, saying he has made up his mind. On the other hand, I wouldn’t force him to take responsibility for something he is not prepared for. I am not going to push him, I want this to be mutual and him to be the father of my kids and if he cannot then, maybe I need to move on…but I don’t want to. I have let him know that even 2 or 1 is a good start..but no, he doesnt want to have ANY kid.

Simply & totally confused! Somebody help and throw in some advice. Please don’t censor yourself, I need to hear it as it is.

Please advice.
Mrs. Crashed Family Dream

64 Comments

  1. judy

    September 4, 2009 at 11:21 am

    divorce on d grounds of fraud. this is just not a i want kids issue just for d sake of it. d bible says go forth and multiply. i think pple who dnt want kids are selfish and immature cos if ur mama didnt have u …..

    u both wanted kids at d beginning so y is he suddenly reluctant. me i want kids and if any man deceives me like this i will get to walking and if i dnt even find who to marry me get a baby daddy.

  2. Pingback: Anurag’s Blog » Aunty Bella: Mrs. Crashed Family Dream | Bella Naija

  3. FirstIWantToDanceWithYouPere

    September 4, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Having kids is a big issue…tho thats not d only reason pple marry…you did mention it b4 marriage and he liked the idea….even if u eventually get pregnant by him, he may hate the kids and not be a good father.Since you have tried talking ti him and he said he has made up his mind…ol’ girl you too make up your mind and leave that marriage..you know kids ae a big deal to you so cut your losses NOW..you nkothat guy is nothing but a wicked and insentive bastard.As in…..he ia a horrible person

  4. FirstIWantToDanceWithYouPere

    September 4, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    abeg make una ignore the typos wey boku for my comment

  5. Z

    September 4, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    There’s been a sudden change of views, and it’s not fair to you. He led you to believe that he wanted kids, then he changed his mind suddenly and finally with no discussion with you? Nonsense. Let him know that if he doesn’t discuss this with you, he is risking a divorce. Because if he continues like this, you will have to make a decision fast- either him or children. It seems like you’ve got children on the top of the list, so if you want them, he’ll have to change his mind, or you will have to leave him and pursue your dreams without him. I’m sorry it had to come to this.

    @judy, I don’t want kids either and it doesn’t make me selfish or immature. If my mother didn’t have me, it wouldn’t matter to me because I wouldn’t exist so I wouldn’t be able to care.

  6. brownsugah

    September 4, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Isn’t he being selfish by not also considering what you want? if he can’t compromise with u (As in, ok lets have only 2 instead of 4) that would be thoughtful. But he is totally brushing aside ur feelings. I would not easily advise someone to leave their matrimonial home, but eventually u’ll resent him and blame him for ur not having children in the future. So have a serious heart to heart talk with him and if he say no so easily then u should be able to tell him u r leaving him so easily too. Becos obviously this is a one sided relationship.

  7. brownsugah

    September 4, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    I meant thoughtless and if he says No easily…….. Bella put in an edit option abeg.

  8. Casual Bystander

    September 4, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    He needs to seek counseling. It might help for you to go with him. From your story, it appears he is haboring some deep seated fear. Not wanting kids is just a symptom of that disease. He might not think he needs help but you can start by making him see that he is ruining your marriage and that you have actually started contemplating divorce, though you would rather not go through with it. In other words even if he thinks he doesn’t need help, he should understand your marriage does. Not listening to a spouses fears, hopes, joys etc could be recipe for matrimonial disaster. In this case, the fact that he does not want to have kids is not the ‘main’ problem (though it obviously is a breach of your premarital agreement…and a problem since you want kids), the real problem is that he has refused to communicate openly with you and is obsessed about avoiding pregnancy. I take is that you are a Christian so pray to God to help reopen the lines of communication between you and your husband so that you guys can work towards healing your marriage. Hopefully when we hear back from you, it will be the announcement of your firstborn! Good luck with your marriage.

    • daintysol

      March 13, 2013 at 11:09 pm

      I really agree with this view. You really need the involvement of experts especially because he had agreed with having kids before the marriage. He may have other fears, maybe he is got azoospermia or any medical condition he is not disclosing with the fear he might lose you. He may also have so body image psychiatric condition that might be affecting him – like he might think you will look big and shabby after child birth and he might not want that. Another is it might be spiritual. Whichever, you need to take steps to explore and exclude reasons with humility and wisdom.

  9. Lola

    September 4, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    Don’t give up on ur husband. U jus need to pray 2 d LORD cos he’s ur strength and there’s nothing he can’t do.

  10. Nneka

    September 4, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Oh my! My very first thought was “Callous”….your husband is callous and insensitive. How could he just switch on you like that, especially on such an important topic. I think he never wanted kids even before you got married….or maybe he was just 50% sure he wanted kids and unveiled that sid to you know you are the “soccer team” mum type.
    Divorce is never my first choice/advice for amyone. But you need to show him all this built-up anger and resentment in you or he just still won’t get it. In your unleased anger pick you words carefully yet be sure to hit the darn nail on his head! You can’t decide on divorce without putting up a good attack/defence for your cause and marriage. If he gives you that ” I don’t want to talk about it” BS, make it extremely clear you two MUST talk about it.

    Hmm….I wish you the very best lady…..I really do. Pray hard too.
    There are just alll sorts of men/people out there. Some too goodlooking to have the brains, others charming enough they think they can someday outsmart you on some decisions. Marriage is a (freaking) partnership! What part of that don’t we understand?

  11. Advisor

    September 4, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    DON’T Divorce him o! Its too soon, and not only that, its not right!…
    Now my advice is to wait it out for about 6 more months..Then if he still doesnt cooperate, then switch your pills to something else…Maybe get vitamins that looks just like ur pills….The point is to deceive him that you’re on ur pills and BAM! Babies….I know that sounds very ridiculous but whats a sista to do….
    Thats one thing you CAN’T rob women of: children…. No no no, hunni…get with the program and hop on that “fake” pills… When the pregnancy comes, he’ll see it differently, and if not, then plan to spend lots of time @ mountain of fire as there might be something spiritual going on….
    Hope my 2cents helps out a tad bit!

  12. Kpakpando

    September 4, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Mrs. Crashed Family Dream, you’re being impatient and self-centered.

    Have you sat down and asked yourself why your husband all of a sudden doesn’t want kids? Is he stressed out about being able to afford one (or 5) more mouth(s) to feed? Is he afraid of losing his job? Is he thinking he won’t be able to provide for or protect his family? Is he thinking his freedom right now will disappear? Have you talked to him to drill down to the possible reasons he’s made this decision?

    Reading your letter, you seemed to only be focused on you. Your achievements, your wants, your desires, your fears etc. Are you thinking about your husband in your burning desire to have children now? Being a parent is a scary thought for anybody who sits down and really puts some thoughts into it. I think about the cost, the time, the energy, the variables that you can’t control like pedophiles and other sociopaths & frankly the whole line of thinking frightens me.

    My suggestion to you is to sit tight. Talk with your husband, find out why he’s reached this decision, then reach a compromise together. You might need to engage a marriage counselor to facilitate these conversations. It could be that he wants a couple of children & your desire to have a large number of children is what’s putting him off or it could be something else. Getting emotional & agitated isn’t going to help you get through this bump in the road in your marriage. So chill out for a bit, open the lines of communication and you will reach a mutually agreeable decision together.

  13. Kpakpando

    September 4, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    Biko judy, people need to chill on divorce as being an answer to every little problem that arises in a marriage. It’s not boyfriend/girlfriend break up then get back together again drama. Divorce has real consequences emotionally, financially even physically. All this drive-thru, give me what I want now or I will run to the next store mentality should not be applied in marriage. Two people trying to build a life together is tough, there’s always going to be a point of disagreement, but if you always keep divorce as a viable option, your relationship will not achieve their full potential.

  14. Let me

    September 4, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I don’t think you have come to any point where you should be thinking of leaving. It’s not yet that serious. I agree that it must hurt and you may be feeling cheated but stop, pause and think for a moment. It would appear that something has changed his mind. You need to find a way to get him to open up. I don’t mean that conversation just before you go to bed or that conversation when you have sex and procreation on your mind and when you are frustrated. You need to find a day where you are both relaxed, maybe when you take a walk in the park or when you go out for a meal and then explain to him in a non-confrontational, non-agitated manner what his decision is doing to you and give him a chance to express himself. If it doesn’t work the first time, try again, eventually he’ll open up and you can both have a mature conversation about his fears and worries and yours too.

    I say this because when I read your post (and I may be wrong), I see your need for a family overshadowing his fears/concerns and that won’t get both of you anywhere. It may be a big bad world but there are ways to safeguard your children. What more? You’ll be amazed about how much some men and even women fear that they would not be able to do right by their kids or that the environment isn’t suitable for raising their kids or that they don’t have enough resources to raise their kids the way they’d want to.

    You know when you said ‘for better, for worse’, this may be the ‘for worse’ part and like everything you encounter in marriage, the two of you have to work it out, in love. But please don’t give up so soon, afterall you married him because you loved him, not for kids. This too shall pass, alright lovey?

    PS ***wink, wink*** when you do get together, you know you have to serve it hot right? Babies or no babies, that’ll remove the his ability to say no.

  15. cuppatea

    September 4, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    i think you really need to speak to your husband and find out why he suddenly doesn’t want to have kids anymore. i also think you should be patient with him. if the shoe were on the other foot and your husband wrote in to say he wanted kids, you weren’t ready etc and now he’s thinking of divorce i would call him selfish. you cant just stop loving someone like that, and at 26 you still have alot of time. i know its hard when you want kids so badly but you shouldn’t give up on your marriage so easily.

  16. Let me

    September 4, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    Ahh, thank God. I thought I was the only one who noticed. Such rash decision and said so glibly as well.

  17. dmoe

    September 4, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Wow, I am sorry to hear that you are re-thinking your marriage. I agree with Kpandokpando; the drive-thru mentality has no place in marriage and I do not think that divorce is the option. First, I would implore you to pray about it and let GOD give you peace during this period. Second, you need to talk with your husband…I sense that there is more to it than he has let on because the sudden change in mindset is rather irrational. Maybe you should change the way you bring up the subject…..i.e. come from a perspective of trying to find out why he changed his mind instead of “I need to start the family we talked about so jump on board”. I wish you the best and I know that you will get your heart’s desire…in Jesus’ name.

  18. nma

    September 4, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    wow..this is definitely the most complicated issue i’ve read on AB. I really dunno what to say.Even tho i am a strong believer in “for better for worse…”…in this case however, there is fraud and deceit, and the binding factor does not apply. You were LURED into the kind of life u didn’t bargain for . Honestly, even if u stay, u will spend the rest of ur life resenting him, and constantly wishing for what u don’t have…possibly breeding jealousy, envy etc towards friends and others that are living ur dream. He is extremely selfish to say the least! And his reasons are even more selfish!
    Even as a christian, i don’t know if i’d stay in this case…God! I feel for u!
    Whatever decision u make however, you need to seek the face of God and pray seriously no matter what n e one says (ie if u believe in God) bcos this may be one of the most important decisions u may have to make in life.

    I wish u all the very best…and pray that the Lord will guide and order ur steps in this trying time.

    PS: If he is not even willing to talk about the issue…there really isn’t much that can be done about it. You however must make A decision….and live with the consequences.

  19. nma

    September 4, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    i do understand ur train of thought on the note that he may be going thru stuff etc, however i dont see how she is being selfish in n e way here. Granted, she should be more patient before even thinking divorce, but it is very wrong on his part to lead her on and make her think they have a common ground only to pull the rug right under her feet. According to her, he refuses to talk about it, and it seems his only reason is because its a scary world today, however, it wasn’t that scary 18months b4 they tied the knot? Seriously, this isnt a “we wanted a big ol’ house in the ‘burbs and all of a sudden he wants us to live in a studio in manhattan” type of situation. This is her life, and what she’s always looked forward to. He should atleast be sensitive to that and compromise with agreeing to having atleast 1 child like she suggested. So unfair!

  20. Sugabelly

    September 4, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    You want children. He doesn’t want children. If having children is so important to you that you feel you’ll go crazy if you don’t, then the answer is simple.

    Divorce and go and find a man that wants children. I don’t know why all these people are going on about praying to God to make a man who doesn’t want children to agree to have them.

    So what happens if you pray Holy Ghost Fire and then he agrees and you have a child and he treats the child like a leper? Then what? Because you wanted to have children by force you’re stuck with a husband that is apathetic at best towards his children.

    You have to decide. What is more important to you:

    Spending the rest of your life with this man you love.

    or

    Having children at all costs.

    The purpose of marriage is not to have children. Children are a BY-PRODUCT of marriage.

    But if you know you got married to carry cute babies around from morning to night and receive compliments then maybe you should follow that agenda.

    If you got married to BE WITH THE MAN then either argue your case to him or try to change his mind, but if he doesn’t, then be cool.

  21. luvlife

    September 4, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    so I typed lol!!!! and my comment was a bit too short
    here goes
    lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  22. luvlife

    September 4, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    what if he divorces her then, on grounds of deceit/fraud. I get your point but I think it’s dangerous oh!!! then she might be saddled with the responsibility of raising the child without a father which we all know is NEVER ideal…

  23. rizzle

    September 4, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Very simple. Swap your birth control pills for sugar bills. And wait.

  24. nma

    September 4, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    suga, u make it seem like she is choosing having a baby over her marriage…why aren’t we looking at the bigger picture here?
    She’s been trapped in a situation where she’s almost helpless to say the least..its not as easy as choosing between tea and coffee.

  25. luvlife

    September 4, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    ………..and wait for Diabetes? lol!
    this is a complicated case, reserved for the likes of Jesus, Pastor (go-between), therapist/counseling.
    for the first time I have no comments…………..

  26. rizzle

    September 4, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    She will most definitely- guaranteed, without a doubt- not get diabetes from that. Just cut out all your consumption of pop. Or even just some of your pop consumption, sef. Trust me, there is waaaaaaaaay more sugar in most drinks- including juice- that most ppl drink on the daily than there is in a teeny tiny sugar pill.

    But you know what? now that I think about it, I have an even better suggestion anyway- Replace your birth control pills with fertility pills. And then wait. lol!

    How about that?

  27. Z

    September 4, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    nma, but she does have to choose one over the other it seems, unless he changes his mind. If she chooses the marriage, stays with him and he doesn’t change his mind, then no babies. If she wants babies, then she can’t stay with him in the marriage. Unless she steps out the side, which I’m sure no one is condoning o.

  28. Qees

    September 4, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    Maybe he actually wanted the kids but something happened along the line, he might have discovered something about his health that changed the whole story.
    He might discover he is HIV+ and doesn’t know how to tell you, because he cant tell you, there is a high chance that u might be unaware of Mother to child transmission, or maybe he is impotent and uses all those excuses as a defense mechanism.

    What if he genuinely doesn’t want a kid, or kids, you need to go through counseling, then invite him for one, then you can forge ahead from their.

  29. Qees

    September 4, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    Dnt swap birth control o, being unwanted by your father is hard to deal with, if he doesn’t want kids, dont force him o

  30. Zenna

    September 4, 2009 at 10:44 pm

    my first thought HIV get tested…but i wasnt how it was gonna sound but good to see that others mentioned it. there could be loads of reasons but babes you first need to get yourselves tested…especially you. he is probably trying to protect you but he going about it the wrong way.

    could also be stress, or he is tired cos he just got some outside…

    you guys probably need to take a break, try to re-ignite the relationship…taking time out might even allow him open up to you about his fears and worries.
    Goodluck babes

  31. FirstIWantToDanceWithYouPere

    September 5, 2009 at 1:51 am

    i beg to differ Kpaks….i know no one should enter a marriage with divorce as an option but the truth is DIVORCE is there…and on d long run divorce may be the best thing for a couple.If i were this lady i will cut my losses now and run,the guy is not worth calling a husband..how can he just switch mouth like that? and he is even refusing to talk about the issue..like who made him GOD!Seriously!!!This woman wants kids, she is passionate about them and he was aware of that fact b4 they signed the dotted lines, the height of his deceit is something else,he is a wicked wicked soul.If having kids is something she wants badly then she should bolt out of d marriage NOW since this very wicked man wont give her kids….she may live to regret this if she stays with him…God knows she may find out the man has kids outside their marriage and then she may be too old to have kids…Pls dont let anyone define your happiness…only you can make you genuinely happy!!!JUST MY OPINION

  32. adanna

    September 5, 2009 at 2:45 am

    let him get tested .. he may be HIV+.. if he turns out negative be patient its probably just cold feet.. if that doesnt work out.. trap him after all he is legally your husband and he owes you as the ”contracted sperm donor” once u said your vows..

  33. Benco

    September 5, 2009 at 3:10 am

    I don’t wanna say this and don’t pray for it ,,,,but I’m kind of worried that this man might have had one or two kids wz his ex gf b4 he met u and doesn’t wanna disclose this to u…….He just doesn’t wanna complicate issues or hurt her wife …………(In this world anything can happen) Maybe that so called gf then is now pushing to move in with him….which might be a big problem for him….Pray more..He will open up one day ..There is no imposibility in prayers.

  34. Tell It like it Is

    September 5, 2009 at 4:14 am

    I think your man maybe seeing another MAN on the side. Do investigation

  35. luvlife

    September 5, 2009 at 6:02 am

    much better lol!….i don’t know the case is too complicated…..too many unknowns

  36. Bebe

    September 5, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    The first thought that popped into my head is ‘he might be STERILE’ and doesnt want you to know about it. What better way to disguise that than by enforcing birth control and saying no to child bearing. I dont think u should leave him now….but let him know how much u want kids, how dubious and fraudulent he has behaved and swap those pills for sugar pills [as said above] dont take fertility pills o, u dont want to have quadruplets!
    If he actually isnt sterile and If he handles kids well, when his own arrives, he’ll may have a change of attitude, or else, know u are going to go it alone.
    so basically u have to choose between staying childless with u being sad and a happy husband OR having a child, u being fulfilled and a husband that may or may not hang around.
    Choose wisely and pray to God for strength to stand by your decision.

    God Bless

  37. Simade

    September 5, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Run! There is no need to be confused since he has madeup his mind. Something tells me he has something to hide. Either he has kids elsewhere or he plans to have kids with someone else. If he does not have kids outside then it is just very selfish, inconsiderate and mean of him to change his mind like that. Please don’t let him waste your time further. If you stay you may regret later. But your husband has something to hide. Best wishes as you decide.

  38. Kpakpando

    September 5, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Na wa o. See you people saying divorce as if na beans. He changed his mind once about having children, he can (and probably will) change his mind again and want to have children. She owes it to herself & her marriage to first find out what actually brought about this change/decision and work on resolving that together with her husband before ever considering running.

    Many people who thought about starting a family this year are seriously reconsidering the thought or timing. For some reason, I think her husband is more nervous about his ability to provide for & protect his family in this current economic environment, and he’s finding that hard to articulate to his wife. Sometimes we don’t realize how much value men place on their ability to provide/being the breadwinner in their homes. Has his company had recent layoffs or has business otherwise slowed down for him? If so, then I’m leaning towards her husband’s decision being a knee jerk reaction to his current situation.

    Though it might be that he is hiding something more explosive, because I know so many people who have made the very same decision to hold off on kids until their finances are much more stable/predictable, I’m thinking its something minor. But her getting agitated or resentful isn’t going to get her the answers she needs. Neither is running to another man.

  39. Fatimah

    September 5, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    1) he might have found out he is sterile
    2) he might have already fathered a child or children outside your marriage
    3) he might just be paranoid
    Never the less he is hiding something and it might require an intervention before you find out. Prey about it. Have you gotten pregnant before? If you do what will he do?

  40. Concerned

    September 5, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    Just pray my dear because the Lord has NOT given him a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). And do get this book by Stormie Omartian: The Power of a Praying Wife. May you have a fruitful marriage in Jesus’ name. Peace…

  41. judy

    September 6, 2009 at 1:20 am

    i hope neva to contemplate divorce in my life. For me if d person i marry cheats,loses his job and we go through a lot of other difficult stuff i dnt think i would contemplate it.
    however when it comes to the issue of not wanting kids i would run. he agreed didn’t he?. If he had honestly told her in d beginning she might not have agreed to marry him and so would not even get to the issue of divorce.
    wateva way we look at it he is in d wrong.
    if it is anxiety issues talk to a counsellor.
    if it is because he is not financially stable now then wait.
    However if he still insists that he is sure he does not want then DIVORCE.
    sidenote. i have met two pple who dnt want kids and it is wonderful how alike they were. no social skills and seemed to have a real hatred for kids.Y i asked one and her reply is they are too much trouble and they cry. really? like u didnt cry when u were a kid.

  42. FirstIWantToDanceWithYouPere

    September 6, 2009 at 2:26 am

    Hold off kids cos of finanacial reason?cool!!!but talk to your wife about..dont frigging refuse to talk about it just because….???like WTF

  43. sade

    September 6, 2009 at 6:09 am

    girl, girl, girl dis is a very complicated situation u’re in, he definately have something to hide since u guys had talk bout kids b/f u got married. secondly i have a client, very successful M.D she wanted kids d husband does want any, so she respected is wish and she didn’t have any. she’s now almost 50yrs old, 20 yrs of marriage, they’re divorced because husband had cheated she found out that he had fathered not one but two kids right before d marriage. lots of stories to tell, but u have a decision to make, maybe seek a counselor with him maybe he’ll tell u wat it is, have spoke to is familiy? wat do dey think? am not sure if u’re nigerian, but nigerian’s tend to turn there back on facts don’t be a fool 5yrs is not a long time especially if there’s something behind dis situation. I wound hate for u to get a divorce, try to work it out, seek every help dats available, take some of dis comment and put it in d back of ur head, and don’t use it to react to ur husby, he might actually be trying to break up with u, but he want u to do it, maybe dats y he’s say dat. put all dis suggt together and u would have to figure wat u’re gonna do. my little 2 cents

  44. Gbo Gbo Bigz Girls

    September 6, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Ol girl…shine your eye well well…..based on your story your hubby sounds like he’s got some slim shady thangs he is hiding from you. I was just reading a chapter in Steve Harvey’s book and he told a story of this scenario. The solution. DIVORCE. On the grounds of breach of contract. In this case it was clearly indicated the interest to have children (couple with the fact that there is an edict in the bible that say go forth, be fruitful and multiply). By default that is the end product of marriage unless otherwise specified. In this case he did not specify that he had 50% chance of not wanting kids nor did he indicate 100% he did not want kids. He went on to sign the contract of marriage leaving the partner to think they were all on the same page. It is like having a business deal and telling the other business partner that the 50% equity or profit he is entitled to is no more his because you, the other business partner have changed your mind. NA YAM!!! SUPREME COURT STRAIGHT!!!! No amount of praying to Jesus will change that scenario.
    So my dear Mrs’um….BIKO…if your heart will permit you pack your bag by the corner and get on the next bus to ‘Single and Available to start a family’ town.

    On another tip, and seeking permission to be SHALLOW…if you are like ‘A Sharp Lagos Gbo Gbo Bigz Girl’ who knows how to get what she WANTS (keeps her husband, have plenty of babies and have all the financial, social and emotional perks) you will employ DRASTIC MEASURES BECAUSE THIS IS A DRASTIC HOUR. All those comments about fake pills…we might be laughing at them now.. BUT THAT’S THE WAY FORWARD. NO SHAME O!!! He married you and he must impregnate you by force or by fire unless he is not a man. If he leaves you or gives you grief for having his own flesh and blood he must not have been into you in the first place. Knowing that that possibility exists, be ready to support yourself and your new bundle of joy as a single parent. But why go through all that grief when the handwriting has been on the wall all along…DIVORCE COURT SHARPISHLY ABEG!!!! You are young and fly and there is a man out there who will love you and the babies you bring to this world for him. You can still try Mountain of Fire sha….

  45. Ladi

    September 6, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    I don’t think unmarried people with no marriage experince should be giving tips like DIVORCE, that can never always be the answer.

  46. FirstIWantToDanceWithYouPere

    September 6, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    LOL is all i can say!!

  47. remymartin

    September 6, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    wow!its funny i should come across this now..because just this morning i was having a conversation with my brother and he told me of a friend who married a girl out of selfish/dubious reasons, the guy has told his wife he doesnt want kids and he is going extra length to make sure they dont have any just because in the nearest future he plans on leaving her and doesnt want any future ties with her.Girl i think he maybe hiding something really awful or maybe its simply dat he is not financially capable right now but at least if it is the latter he should be able to talk to you about it.Be patient and if he is still refusing to talk about it, pls leave him!!!i know pple r like divorce is not yam but it is better to move on while you can still

  48. nma

    September 6, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    LOL! @ mountain on fire. u r such a trip.

    But u r right…this is a complete breach of contract. I still say she should prod him on…and let him open up cos something is being hidden somewhere…something serious for that matter, and if indeed he isnt hidding n e thing, and just doesn’t want kids…then either get ready to move on and find a man that will love u and ur kids (as supported by the Bible)…or live with him miserably and regretfully for the rest of ur life.
    But no matter what u do, do not trick him into giving u a baby…it will not make him all of a sudden receptive to the idea…no pills switching please…u’ll be surprised at the conseqences, he may even leave, or stay and resent u forever…either way, u’d be left to be a single parent alone!

    I am so furious at this man men…..how can he just put this poor girl in such a tight spot??…I’m sure there are a few girls out there that would’ve aggreed to this if he laid out this cards str8 at the get go…but y trap this girl like this now???….God dey sha!

  49. nma

    September 7, 2009 at 12:05 am

    another thing also…he may be tryn to break up with u…but dont wanna be deemed “the jerk”…and wants u to do it.

    Girl, just don’t be oblivious, and try and get to the root of things….try and tlk to him…not in an aggressive manner tho…nd no matter what do not yell, or spazz out so he can trust u more to open up.

    I will pray for u…cos i am really concerned. Please do keep us posted. God will guide u!

  50. nma

    September 7, 2009 at 12:18 am

    i’m still very shocked at ur pov on this matter…i never thought that u of all people will be in support of this man’s inconsiderate, callous and selfish attitude.
    All these things u’re sayn holds no ground atall…we are talkn about having children here, not buying a house, or opening a business! Not only was this lady tricked into this, she was lied to, and is potentially being denied the joy of motherhood…something she has always looked forward to….a very natural process for every woman and man (in most cases). I am not knockn pple that don’t want kids…but all i am saying is that it should be a mutual agreement, not a decision one party should be making for both…and worse, well after the ink has dried off the marriage certificate.
    People change their minds all the time about stuff, but its very abnormal in this case and his reason is even more suspicious. Didn’t he know the world was dangerous to raise kids in 18 months b4 they got married?? And why callously take away a dream HE KNOWS she has so much nurtured and anticipated for a long time?
    water don pass garri for this one o…something is definitely cooking somewhere, and its only a matter of time b4 wind go blow.

  51. hilda

    September 7, 2009 at 12:39 am

    Such a delicate situation but i think someone hit it right on point; probe him more, there is something he is not saying. One minute he wants kids and another he doesn’t, definitely that’s not fun, something is fishy. Now how you go about getting your details from him solely depends on you. You love your husband that’s clear but a husband who doesn’t pay accordance to your feelings, not lovely at all. Praying is one thing, wisdom is another so choose well before you tread. All the best in your decision. DIVORCE is not an option yet cause you still need answers.

  52. Kpakpando

    September 7, 2009 at 5:14 am

    I don’t know why you would think I’m in support of her husband, I’m not for or against either of them. Clearly there’s something else going on, she should find that out first before considering any permanent solutions to what might just be a temporary problem.
    Reading her letter, I don’t see any evidence of her exhausting all options to get to the reason behind his “sudden” decision, she didn’t mention any family meetings/couples counseling/come to Jesus type sessions. She also didn’t mention any mental illness on the part of her husband, so I have to assume that he’s sane & has a reason for saying he doesn’t want children. All I’m saying is that she owes it to herself first to find out what situation she’s truly dealing with before making any decisions.

    She really seems more concerned with having her children now that finding out why her husband doesn’t want any.
    – Maybe he thinks once the children comes, he’ll no longer have the same relationship with her.
    – Maybe he found out he has a terminal illness.
    – Maybe he doesn’t think she’ll be a good mother or he’ll be a good father.
    – Maybe he has other kids on the way already
    – Maybe he’s about to go broke
    – Maybe he found out he has a family curse and having a child would mean his death (Can you tell I’ve been watching Nollywood films?)
    – Maybe he just doesn’t think the timing is right & she’s pushing him too hard that he’s forced to just tell her Never, instead of not right now.

    There’s too many maybes sha, she needs to get to the bottom of it. I suggest she change the manner in which she brings up the subject and the setting where they have these conversations first & really try to get to the root of the problem. When she has all the pieces she needs to make a decision whether to stay or leave, then she can open up that line of thought; but as of right now given what she has said in this letter, it is not yet time to jump ship.

    • Bbola

      September 2, 2010 at 12:35 pm

      Or MAYBE . . . he married her for selfish reasons and is not interested in anything long – term with her and thus doesn’t want any kids. He might just not be in love with her AT ALL.

  53. sade

    September 7, 2009 at 6:24 am

    i am married and young with 3 kids, d advice i gave her, she don’t have to take it, she can learn from it, am not saying divorce just because nigerian’s don’t like dat word but her situation needs some help asap, cuz she might regret something.. dats all am saying.

  54. Gbo Gbo Bigz Girls

    September 7, 2009 at 6:39 am

    Divorce is not an option now…but later if his stand remains ‘NEVER’ to kids…is that what I am hearing? That’s good…at least we all agree there are some situations where the divorce option should not even be questioned.

  55. Gbo Gbo Bigz Girls

    September 7, 2009 at 6:55 am

    E pele o….so unmarried people now also means stupid people eh…being single is now a caste system…CHAI!! (we too must to marry o..let all these indirect insults stop raining on us ehn)! It is like saying people who have never used drugs or been drug addicts should not be teaching ‘say no to drugs’. Certainly one who is married will have a different POV but just because he or she is married does not mean that POV is going to be always right or the best. Sometimes it is the unmarried who have the best advice because they are not being myopic or influenced by other factors that sometimes prevent the married from seeing the clearer picture. When that blanket finally falls from your face and you see reality you will all stop this discrimination and holding marriage up on the pedestal that it is not. These ain’t the days of old….and it ain’t ever gonna be. It’s all good….by December 2009 some of you will carry ‘CARAT’ on your finger…AMEN SOMBORI!!. (may be then i will have license to prescribe divorce where i see fit…or just nonsense advise for the sake that my opinion now holds water because i am somebody’s missus…as my ibo friend would say…odiegwu!?!)

  56. tjazzy

    September 7, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    I agree with 1,2 and 3. I know someone who suffered it. Turns out the guy had a daughter outside and was planning to throw the first wife out. No kids would have made it less complicated for him.

  57. LP

    September 10, 2009 at 12:44 am

    First, kneel down and ask Baba God to lead you the right way. My dear…Sorry O. No one needs to go thru all of that BS. It’s unfair.
    Your hubby is acting a lil dodgy for not wanting to talk about it. No one knows what’s going on in his head, so he leaves you no other option but Paranoia. Have you considered voicing the issue to someone he is close to,…Maybe his Moms? That way, your in-laws don’t blame you for not producing grandchildren if kata kata should burst. I’m sure you’re hurt, but please let divorce be your last option (oh yes, it is an option)…unless you’re sure he doesn’t love you enough to father your babies. It shall be well dear. *virtual hug*

  58. June Girl

    September 13, 2009 at 1:26 am

    Chei, this one is hard o! Me too, the first thing that came to my mind is that there is something very fishy going on. I think the guy found out that he is infertile and he didn’t want the world to know his shame, so he trapped the poor babe into marriage and he is now claiming he doesn’t want kids. Either that, or he is gay! Or he has a terminal illness that can be inherited by his offspring and he is trying to protect you. Perhaps he plans to cut ties with you very soon so he doesn’t need “junior” linking him to you forever. Whatever the case might be, it is not good that he suddenly flip reversed on you and is not willing to discuss WHY. I assume you guys dated for a few years before marriage and your communication was good before now.
    This can be a highly sensitive topic, but GOD knows all things, nothing is hidden from HIM. If you want to know what the problem is and how to solve it, go on your knees and pray. Only after you have peace should you approach your husband and ask him to open up to you. Remind him that you both wanted kids in the beginning and part of the reasons why you married him is because you saw in him, the qualities of a good father to your future children. Keep the lines of communication open, and hopefully he will talk to you.
    Now if he doesn’t talk to you after six – twelve months, you might have to engage some outside help. Get counselling from parents, pastors or even medical doctors. Suggest you should both have fertility tests done. But above all, consider divorce only as a last option, after everything else has been tried and exhausted. Or you might end up childless and miserable for longer than necessary.

    All the best!

  59. Ngozi

    September 18, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    gbo gbo bigz girls…ma worry!!! carat go enter finger in God’s own time!! Meanwhile, from wat remy martin said…kai, the heart of man is TRULY desperately WICKED!!! Hmm…God will help us o!! Meanwhile to Mrs Crashed Family Dream….u have to do some serious praying o!!! So dat God can reveal to u what is behind this about face….Only God can intervene in dis situation….and my dear as the mother of 2 wonderful children……I can authoritatively tell u dat motherhood is sweet…God’s instruction is for us to multiply!!! So pray against anything standing in between u and fulfilling that injunction….The Lord will see u thru!!

  60. RMG

    June 10, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    @KPAKPANDO,you like her husband are very very selfish and inconsiderate!why can’t he agree to have even 1 kid since they discussed and agreed to this before getting married?why does it have to be his way?
    my dear mrs CFD,what you’re going through is not at all easy,but do not divorce him,it’s not the solution and would further tear you down.pray hard that God touches his heart to reach a compromise.all the best,will pray along with you.

  61. Amaka

    August 20, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    Give hi an ultimatum… in 2 years time it is divorce or kids

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