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Aunty Bella: Mrs. Crashed Family Dream

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The Aunty Bella feature has been a part of Bella Naija since the early days of our existence. It is very special to us because we have actually learned a lot from the situations, responses and advice given. Today’s Aunty Bella is from Mrs. Crashed Family Dream, do read and offer him any words of advice and encouragement.

sad_black_womanAunty Bella,

My husband & I got married about 18months ago and while dating, we both expressed our love to have children. I love kids and want a big family and he was just realistic saying 3-4 was enough as raising kids in this generation can be quite tough.
We decided to wait 1-2years after marriage and then start having babies. We have waited for 18months and I thought we were ready. I couldnt feel more ready, All I see is cute babies everywhere – Facebook, neighbours, friends, family, etc. I just wanted to start having mine.

However, he does not want kids anymore.

He is even afraid of having sex with me and makes sure I take my contraceptives even when there is no penetration. When I don’t have my contraceptive or miss by a few days, “sorry, no sex hun…the condom might break!” He questions having kids in such a corrupt and unsafe world. I love kids, I want to have mine. I am 26 and want to start soon having my own babies. I love him very much but for the first time in 5years, I have doubted if it is worth staying with him anymore. I feel cheated, because we both talked about having a family while dating. Part of my attraction to him included how he handled kids – playing, hugging, smiling and carrying them. I always knew he would make a great dad.

I have achieved many things I wanted in my life, – career, marriage, work and I believe this is the next big step for me. We bought a big house last year and I thought, great! this is one step closer towards preparing for my big family. I always wanted a family; I want to experience the joy of motherhood, watch my kids grow, reignite the latent kids spirit in me, train them to be adults, attend their weddings and have grandchildren. This has been something I have always been quite vocal about from the very beginning. Everyone who knows me very well can testify that I have always loved kids and always wanted mine. It is a running joke with my friends – the girl that wants a soccer team!
Someone asked me if my reaction would be the same if we both tried and found out that we can’t have kids. That I can deal with because I know we both tried, then maybe we can adopt, we can try other means like IVF etc etc. I never knew having kids would define our relationship this way; it has always been me and him.

I am getting very agitated and emotional. I have a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind. I keep questioning the worth of being married to him? I know its wrong and against my belief. I get asked if I want to throw away 5years of our wonderful life together just like that? But in 20years time, maybe I would wish I threw away this 5years that seemed so big and have 15years or 10 or 8 adopting kids and being a happy fulfilled mother and probably girlfriend (maybe not a wife) .
I just foresee a situation where eventually, he wants to start children and maybe I am either too old for that or we have lost the spark and moved on.

Right now, I can’t sleep and he brushes it away anytime I want to discuss this, saying he has made up his mind. On the other hand, I wouldn’t force him to take responsibility for something he is not prepared for. I am not going to push him, I want this to be mutual and him to be the father of my kids and if he cannot then, maybe I need to move on…but I don’t want to. I have let him know that even 2 or 1 is a good start..but no, he doesnt want to have ANY kid.

Simply & totally confused! Somebody help and throw in some advice. Please don’t censor yourself, I need to hear it as it is.

Please advice.
Mrs. Crashed Family Dream

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