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Aunty Bella: Mrs. Wife of Mr. Big Spender

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I am not sure if this is just my way of ranting or if I will get any valuable advice but I really pray that I get some good advice because I have reached my breaking point.

I met my husband in the United States while I was enrolled in my MBA programme. I grew up in Nigeria but not in Lagos. I moved to the US when I was a teenager. I went to college there, worked for a few years and then enrolled in my MBA programme. My husband was a different kind of Nigerian guy from the ones I had met in the US. He was sophisticated (not saying others aren’t but…) and very charming; He even dressed very differently from everyone but apart from all those superficial things, he was very grounded. When I say grounded, I mean, he treated everyone with respect and also ensured that we lived well but within our means. We got married after graduation and started our family there. We both had really great jobs in very hectic industries but we made it work.

We had 2 children and all was well. During the economic boom in Nigeria a few years ago, my husband began getting offers from companies in Nigeria. We discussed the options and decided to move to Nigeria. The company that hired him was very generous with their offer. We got an apartment in Ikoyi, a signup bonus, business class travel for the whole family to move over, also our personal items shipped to Nigeria and our children’s school fees paid.

My husband settled into his job and because it was a new environment for the children, I initially decided to become a stay-at-home mom. Lagos was also a big culture shock for me because the Nigeria I grew up in was very different from what I saw. Even in my children’s school, many of the moms were part of “cliques” etc…I took it within my stride but basically kept to myself. After we moved back to Nigeria, I started seeing another side of my husband. My husband had an official car from his office but insisted on buying a luxury SUV, he went on a business trip to Europe one time and came back home with a suitcase full of Saville Row suits, when I found out how much it cost, I was so shocked but he claimed it was an investment. There were so many lavish purchases e.g. a horse! If I mention the rest, most people probably will not even believe me because it was simply ridiculous. I tried to talk to him but he kept on assuring me that I should sit back and enjoy afterall, this is what we had worked so hard for all our lives.

I listened to him but also took some steps such as taking control of our budgeting. By doing this, I was able to pay off our credit cards in the US, my student loans for college and my MBA and finally paid off our mortgage to ensure that we owned our house there 100%. My relationship with my husband was still great, we got along, we were friends, we communicated, all was well but I was still worried about his spending and also his group of friends. I have nothing against rich people but many of his friends seemed to live in another dimension where they had to sense of the value of money. They just spent it recklessly.

2 years ago, the company that my husband worked for closed down. It was an affiliate company of a larger conglomerate and with the economic downturn, it was no longer sustainable. My husband lost his job. He received a generous severance payment but that is when the real change occurred. The rent was due for our apartment in a few months; I advised my husband that we move to a cheaper place since the company was no longer footing the bill. He refused. I suggested that the children move to a more affordable school. He ignored that and assured me that he would get a better job soon.

There were promises from his friends of political appointments (special advisor roles etc…) but nothing happened. When the time to pay our rent arrived, my husband pressured me into signing the documents to sell our house in the US to pay our rent and school fees in Nigeria! Can you imagine that? I begged and begged that he should reconsider but he accused me of not being submissive. That was how we sold a house to pay for rent and school fees. Till this day, I regret signing those documents but he put me under so much pressure and made so many promises.

Since then, things have gone from bad to worse. I found a job and that is what has been sustaining my family. My husband either spends all day at home or hangs out with his friends. He has not found a new job and I know that everyone has their downtime but he still spends money like all is well. He is very moody and always accuses me of looking down on him. He does not play with the children or even attend church. He had access to our joint account where my salary was paid into and was just spending indiscriminately claiming that he was using the money for “investments”. I had to ask my office to pay me via a new account and my husband was so upset over that but I just had to bear it.

For the school fees which was due last week, it took everything I had saved to pay it. I almost had to ask my retired parents for help but shame stopped me. I recently found out that he reapplied for new credit cards in the US and has run up the bills to the value of thousands of dollars. He used these credit cards to pay for trips abroad this summer. One of his friends had a bachelor party (for his second marriage o) in an exotic destination and he attended while his family is struggling. Even though I try to shield the children away from what is happening, they keep asking “what is wrong with daddy?”. Noone on the outside can see what is happening because on the surface, all seems fine and dandy. Our rent is due in a few weeks and even though I have a good job, there is no way I can afford it. Even his parents have tried to talk to him but he does not listen. I am tired. I am tempted to take the children back to the US with me and just leave him here to face the mess that he has created.

Mrs, Wife of Mr. Big Spender

**Minor details have been changed to protect the identity of Mrs, Wife of Mr. Big Spender

150 Comments

  1. Concerned Bellanaijarian

    September 10, 2012 at 10:47 am

    ”I am tired. I am tempted to take the children back to the US with me and just leave him here to face the mess that he has created”……..Better do this before he uses U for rituals. A word is enough for the wise!

    • Gold digger

      September 10, 2012 at 11:05 am

      lol

    • Peppa

      September 10, 2012 at 11:28 am

      Omo, i cant advise anybody to leave their husband in this shark infested city o! Thats when things will really go haywire!

      Please dear, you mentioned church. My advise is to step your prayer and fasting life up and really deal with this in the spiritual realms. The bible says that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities.

      Practically, I would also advise you to continue to be the voice of reason in his life. If you have good relationships with your in-laws maybe you should get them involved also.

      This is a tough situation but there is nothing God cannot do! Hang in there love! xxx

    • Moyo

      September 10, 2012 at 4:06 pm

      She shold not leav her husband in this shark infested city. Please is that a husband or a sorry excuse of a man. What is there to hang onto jare. You have turned husband to gold abi titanium. Any woman that snatches him is doing her a favour sef, cos that woman, has no idea of the hell that is in store for her. What is there to hold unto, is that man worth being called a man, or worth being respected. You hang unto to something that is worth it, someone that is worth cherishing, and respecting, and lovng, and all the mushy words I can think of. She is holding onto air, you say she should hang on. Good riddance abeg. Nigerians and their foolish idea of marriage, and before you shout, I am married woman too, I have a great marriage, but I dont have any illusions about it. I know that people change, and you have to change with the situation, otherwise you get swept away. If she was my sister, I will not sit down and let her suffer, just because she wants to hang onto a man, that is not even thinking of her well being and that of their children. SO please, if you have anyother argument, present it. A man is not a piece of cloth, that you hang onto, so another woman wont take him. he isnt property.

    • maria

      July 30, 2013 at 8:12 pm

      i wont call him a sorry case for a man. you have to be smart about so things. just pack your bags and go back to the USA leave him here it is because you are making that little money your and he can still look Good that is y he is still acting like A man. save up my dear and go back when he sees that nothing is here he will pack his bags and follow you or meet you there and miss husband is not Gold if the man is stupid leave him he will learn before he will use you for money rituals

    • Naveah

      September 10, 2012 at 2:15 pm

      Tell her o, abeg!!!

    • Anehibaby

      September 10, 2012 at 7:32 pm

      LMAOOOO!

    • xoxo

      September 11, 2012 at 8:53 pm

      TRUTH!
      Someone this selfish/greedy/obsessed with image can do anything to get money, take your children and go. It may even shock him back to his senses and he’ll come and join you guys and become the man he used to be.

  2. YummyMummy

    September 10, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Hmmm..I kind of feel for you but it will be better to take the children back to the US rather than suffer.You shouldnt have signed for the mortgage paper but that had happened and gone..so it’s in the past now so look forward to the future.

    All you just have to do is pray for your hushand as you have tried your best possible,at the moment all big expenses have to be cut drastically..or else you will be worse than a pauper in the next 1 year.

    a big problem with Nigerians is that so many people live their daily lives to impress people who doesnt matter,You husband need to get his act right right,act responsibly as family comes first.Please by all means take the children back,save save and save…Love your husband still but Pray for him..he’s prbably depressed right now and trying hard to live the kind of life he had when everything was rosy.

    one thing in life is that,nothing is certain..that is why have to try to invest in our tommorrow as God gives us long life.

  3. giggy

    September 10, 2012 at 11:10 am

    oh gosh! he should be PIMP SLAPPED!!!! Mrs. Wife. you better secure your future and that of your children.

  4. Bella Naija Critic

    September 10, 2012 at 11:10 am

    wow!!! this is huge. i think, its time to call a family meeting and state your complaint, if that yields no results, move back to the US with your kids, you cannot keep paying for a flamboyant lifestyle of a jobless man with a massive ego and living beyond your means. I know when you get married you agree to be there, for better or worse… but you also you have to know when to walk away or be ruined being a ‘good wife’. i commend you for being so strong so far, but, you will lose your mind and yourself if you continue like this.

  5. tbn

    September 10, 2012 at 11:12 am

    My mouth was just open throughout the time i spent reading this piece. What kind of man is that? only one that is foolish and trying to keep up with the joneses would do this sort of thing. i can say that its the extravagant and materialistic naija factor that is responsible for his behavior but on second thoughts, he wasnt forced to join those cliques and spend those amounts of money on ridiculous things to the detriment of his family. I dont understand why we in naija feel the need to keep spending like theres no tomorrow. When i was in the US I saw and learnt how to be careful about how i spent money and i actually had good savings. but as soon as I got back home, i saw that there was some kind of pressure to keep up, I didnt fall for all of them but I know that I started spending more than was necessary. Even my husband is so hung up on expensive clothes and shoes that I dont even know how to make him stop buying stuff that is unnecessary. But at least he doesnt do it to the detriment of our rent, our upkeep and the children’s fees. Mrs wife of big spender, its not time for regrets, its time to sort yourselves (meaning you and your kids)out asap before your hubby pulls you down the drain. At least when he sees that you’re really doing things differently, he will be forced to change and if he’s not then at least you’ll be better off. ~Theres nothing as bad as a man who cannot provide for his family and whats worse is one who spends money he didnt earn on unnecessary things…my two cents.

  6. i no send

    September 10, 2012 at 11:15 am

    wao..my dear ..im havin a similar experience though i never lived abroad…having said that please sit him down and tell him how you truly feel and please move into a cheaper place before your landlord makes your matter public and change your kids school there is no shame in this thing ..there is a recession and everyone is feeling it ..thank God for dual citizenship if things don’t improve within say a year..go back to use with your kids..goodluck and Godbless

  7. Tinnix

    September 10, 2012 at 11:15 am

    For the sake of the children, please go back to the US. Leave him here to play big boy and when the scales fall off his eyes, I believe he will join you and be a better man.

  8. i no send

    September 10, 2012 at 11:17 am

    i meant go back to USA.

  9. Seun

    September 10, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Wow! this is almost unbelievable! I suggest you rent another place and then wait for the landlord to kick you out of your current place

  10. ucylo

    September 10, 2012 at 11:18 am

    whilst u keep praying, i’ll encourage you to act fast and get your kids out, ur husband still does not understand a certain principle of life which states “In life, we have our ups and downs but let us not cover up our downs for very soon we’ll come out of it, if we do not loose hope”, he is clearly living a lie but just keep praying for Him but I must emphasize that you should get ur self and kids out safely now you have some little money, Dont forget to keep loving that man you married, He’ll come back in no time!

  11. portable-oge

    September 10, 2012 at 11:19 am

    please,its time up! if u want to secure ur childrens future,u had better run tail back to d US ASAP! u can tell him wen u get dia, to avoid u n ur kids being used for rituals as someone earlier pointed out! e no dey hard dem!!!

    • Chattyzee

      September 10, 2012 at 2:58 pm

      I have to say that I beg to differ, sort off. Running away and abandoning your marriage is not the solution to the problem, and should only be used as the last resort. Moreover, since they already sold their house in the U.S, where would she be running to? It’s not like she has something in the U.S. waiting for her. Rather I’ll say that she should pray for direction (if she had not been doing that). I know “praying” might sound cliche but it really does work. She needs to start praying consistently for direction and wisdom.
      Meanwhile, she also needs to call him and sit him down, not in the presence of their kids o. She needs to make him realize that things are not what they used to be and he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself, get his butt off the couch and get a job! The guy is obviously broken because he lost his job but the time for dwelling in self-pity is over.
      If after doing all that the guy still refuses to change, then she can start taking actions such as changing the kid’s school etc.
      Abandoning your marriage because your husband has lost his way is not the best thing, he needs her now more than ever to be strong not only for him, but for their family. If she leaves him now, the guy might never recover from his loss.

      http://dprodigalchild.wordpress.com/

  12. YummyMummy

    September 10, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Take your children back to the US,your husband is living a flambuoyant life,Live a fake life and impressing people who doesnt matter in his life,one thing is that nothing in life is certain..people may have today and not have tommorrow, and that is why we need to invest in our future by investing,when the hard times come,expensive clothings wouldnt solve out the problem.

    Please pray for your husband,am sure he is depressed,pray for his ego,I think he’s a bit proud as well,he believes no one had the ordersity to tell him what to do.

    But all in all,all expenses must be drastically cut,so that in the nest 1 year you wont be worse than a pauper…Move back to the US…and start your life again..You have lost all now..but keep your children,your sanity and be more prayerful..dont relent.

    • YummyMummy

      September 10, 2012 at 11:57 am

      sorry guys,I have 2 comments up here…my internet is messing up right now..typed the 1st comment,didnt knw it know it was posted,had to write another one…only 1 YummyMummy…anyother on Bella naija is a counterfeit..*Cheesy Smile**

  13. graco

    September 10, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Speechless. I take it the horse has been sold?

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      September 10, 2012 at 1:56 pm

      Same question I had. Dayummm! … And I thought I was a big spender (can’t resist a high street sale, no matter how good I try to be)… but a Horse! Plus getting new credit cards to attend that Bachelor’s party abroad … Not cool. I woudn’t advise you to leave your man, especially as a christian. However, I’ll go with what someone said regarding calling that family meeting. If it takes the other members of the family to help him see reason, do it. At least you know you’re trying to use every possible avenue to get through to him.

      Be strong, woman, don’t stop praying for him either. It’s not him that’s the enemy, it’s a darker power at work and one of the main things it wants to do is make you hate your husband. Please do not abandon a man who clearly needs as much help as he can get.

    • Fey

      September 13, 2012 at 5:46 am

      lol…too funny

  14. Working Mother

    September 10, 2012 at 11:31 am

    My dear concerning the house rent…just wait until they want to eject you from the house. Dont give in no matter the pressure. Meanwhile, look out for a smaller apartment for yourself and the kids so that once the ejection comes he would have to follow you to the new smaller and affordable apartment. Girl you are the one working for this money…remember a family without adequate finance is the woman’s heartache. Most men can be callous at this time and simply pregnate another women all in the name of easing off tension and challenge of having no money! Take care God will see you through. Keep praying.

  15. ToBechi Daniiel

    September 10, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Not everyone is willing to let go of a life they have known and enjoy, but it has to be done sometimes. You have a backup plan of relocating, that is good. Discuss with your husband and keep that option open. There are no checks and balances in Nigeria, if one tries to keep up appearances, ALL the time-you only get in deep muck.
    http://www.tobechidaniel.blogspot.com

  16. annoymous

    September 10, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Have you sold the horse?

    • aisha

      September 12, 2012 at 6:23 pm

      LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  17. adenike

    September 10, 2012 at 11:42 am

    I’m really sorry you have to go through this. I do not agree that this man is depressed. I refuse to put him in the league of depressed people. Dude knows what he’s doing, he knows he’s being a nuisance + an overgrown baby and he still finds it hard to change. He’s not in anyway remorseful.
    Madam, you don’t need any advice because you know the way out of your predicament, you’re just waiting for the last straw. In fact, you already typed your solution – travelling out with your kids. Please, leave this dude for the sake of your sanity and your kids. You’re not happy and you deserve to be happy. Speak with your pastor and speak with God. Talk to God, ask Him to lead you.
    No one has any right to put you through this – no one. Not even this overgrown baby of a man that looks like your husband.
    Yes,you’re right – I’m disgusted!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      September 10, 2012 at 2:04 pm

      I don’t agree. I think he is (or at some time was) depressed about losing his job. It can’t be easy having to give up the role of being the “main provider” of the family. Maybe something’s telling him that he’s not a man anymore.

      I was once made redundant (also during the height of the global financial crisis) and I tell ya, depression came on long-stay visits during that period. No job, I just sat at home and I have to admit, I did a lot of unadvisable shopping on my credit card because I just reached that “screw it, I’m going to find a way to make myself feel better” point. Not good.

      However, I was alone, not sure I could have made the same choice if I had a family to take care of… so, yeah, it’s hard to judge.

  18. June bug

    September 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

    It such a shame to read about Mrs wife of big spender’s situation. Especially since it is reticent of so many Nigerian marriages.

    My advice to Mrs Wife is this. If you can’t afford to pay the rent, don’t do it. You no longer have property to sell. If I were you, I would pack up and move to his parents house so they can’t say you went back to your own parents or you ran off to America. He can stay in the house if he wants and find the money to pay rent.

    Your priority now is your children. If you feel you need to change schools, do it. You don’t need to live his unsustainable lifestyle if you are the one who will have to pay for it. This is the time for you to put your foot down. When the head of the family is incapable of taking control, it is the turn of the vice head to step in and restore order.

    • AA

      September 10, 2012 at 3:12 pm

      I agree with you but not about moving in with his parents. She reported the matter to them but they did nothing, which means that they see nothing wrong with their son. She should call a family meeting but if it yields no result, she should move her and her kids to another apartment. No one can blame her for not trying

  19. simdamsel

    September 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Hmmm is sadden dat u had to go tru all dis , and ur husband does not Ơ̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴͡ reasons to adjust his way of life. I believe moving back to d US will somehow make him come back to his senses. D Lord is ur strength.

  20. i no send

    September 10, 2012 at 11:54 am

    i have to say Loooool @ graco 11.30 am..u are funny

  21. frances

    September 10, 2012 at 11:59 am

    i have come to realise that Men have ego!!. its not a case of love gone bad, it’s simply a case of a man who isn’t financially smart and who never listens to his wife. u are doing the best you can but while taking your kids back to the states might seem like the easy way out, it may begin the end of your marriage. so tread with caution.i advise u start making plans for an alternative accommodation( saving up and looking for one) while u wait till ur currrent landlord serves you a quit notice.when your hubby sees that you all will be homeless, he’s bound to react in a positive way and then u both can now have a sensible discussion. Above all………let your knees not be too far from the ground.like every marriage, this is your season of test….stay focused on the issue at hand. DONT THROW IN THE TOWEL JUST YET.

  22. kay

    September 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    auuch!!!!,yeah,life comes with different challenges and u didnt see this comin ur husband is obviously mislead by his friends who live luxurious life,bt nw its nt the time to complain and worry,1st of all,u need to leave ur current house nw to a more affordable place,same wiith ur children’s school,then with ur salary,u can sustain urself and ur family,and dont forget to always stay in prayer.tnk u

  23. Sugabelly

    September 10, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Is the desire to be submissive so great that someone can sign away their house to pay rent???

    I mean, when your husband calls you a submissive wife, does it extend your life span or something? I really don’t get it.

    • Tiki

      September 12, 2012 at 5:52 pm

      lol. Renegade like you!

      But I don’t get it myself o! Do the vows include ‘To shun my brain cells and be your Yes-man’?Plus, there are kids involved, innocent kids towards whom you have responsibilities. Madam Wife, I commend you for stepping up as breadwinner when your husband lost his job, but you have been irresponsible yourself in allowing him ride roughshod all over you and put you both in debt. Don’t waste a second more:
      1. First of all, make up your mind to swallow shame and pride, because that is what will happen when people realise you are broke. Remember to focus on the important things, ie putting food on the table and a roof over your heads, and paying the kids’ fees.
      2. If na community property you sign, get a court order or injunction against your husband in USA! You may be willing to go back and all, but he might have already ruined your credit rating, and his debt may be attributable to you. I’m sure you have thought of this.
      3. You don’t need to be in Nigeria to pray, you can pray from the USA. Pack up your stuff, borrow ticket money if you have to, and hightail it out of Lagos ASAP! Your husband has already abandoned you in spirit, and you have to distance yourself from him and regroup, and find a way to help him.

      Don’t let him drag you and your children down in his midlife crisis, please! Act before it is too late.

  24. miss AWEsome

    September 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    My love, its for better for worse. Turn to God,he is the only one that can advice you properly. Everyone will tell you to move to the U.S with your kids which seems right. The bible makes us understand that there is a way that seem right to man but the end of it is destruction. This applies to your you and your husband. The devil is trying to scatter your family. DO NOT LEAVE NOW!! People are telling you to relocate with your children so you wont suffer but i assure you that, it would lead to the gradual but sure disintegration of your family. You seem to be the one with the clear head so once you leave he’s let to his reckless life which can lead to his death ( you are not his mum but you are his better half ). I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HIM. LOVE NEVER EVER TIRES, LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE DOES NOT SEEK ITS OWN… SO MANY TIMES WE MAKE HEAVY MISTAKES BUT GOD IS ALWAYS CORRECTING AND WILLING TO FORGIVE, BELIEVING THE BEST ABOUT US. My love PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY,wait on GOD for an answer. He will direct you accordingly. In the mean time, shower your husband with love. NEVER make him feel lesser than a man and the head of the family and with GOD’s intervention, everything will be fine. LOVE NEVER FAILS AND IT WILL NOT START NOW.

    GOD BLESS YOU

    • nickyminaj

      September 10, 2012 at 1:43 pm

      awesome advice. please keep praying and talk to him gently. talk to him like a friend. i hope you both work things out in the end.

    • ANA

      September 14, 2012 at 9:08 am

      The most potent piece of advice ever. Even I feel blessed by it.

  25. Sugabelly

    September 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Just divorce him. Case closed. Divorce him in America where you’ll have the upper hand and probably win custody.

    • cynthia

      September 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm

      this is best comment i have read. divorce the fool in America and get the kids custody. that u are married doesn’t mean that u should live unhappy. as old as he is doesn’t he know in life u win some and lose some.

    • Nduka

      September 11, 2012 at 12:17 pm

      you and these your teenage tendencies. Divorce is not fast food o!

  26. new bride

    September 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    I can bet that all the people telling you to leave your husband are not married! Leaving your husband is not the solution to your problem, he’ll simply find another woman (more like another woman will find him) to take your place.
    The first thing you need to do is to cut all your unnecessary costs – change your children’s school, move to a cheaper place, buy a cheaper car, etc. While doing these, involve your family members or at least someone he really respects to talk sense into him! Prayer to is very important, but prayer with action is best.
    I wish you luck and pray that God will restore your home.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      September 10, 2012 at 1:23 pm

      I agree with this comment. It made the most sense.

      Personally, I am not married and I dont think am in a place to advice to this and that. WHY: I am not in the situation, I was not in your foundation, I am not there now. So, I cant comprehend what you are feeling.

      But do you really think this is the right platform to share your situation? I am only asking oh?? This is a matter of your marriage and marriage is a big deal. I would have thought seeking counselling from a married couple (spirit filled) and a registered counselor (JESUS)should enlighten you. I will not say you should LEAVE your husband. I will say this, there is a root to alot of problems, a seed is usually sown to breed a problem. Find the seed, uproot it and kill it. In the mean time, talk to your parents, they have more to offer and his parents and communicate with him too. Whatever decision you chose to take, be prepared for the consequences. I don’t think your hubby is mad or stupid, I think he is human and has lost his track for a while(humans will always surprise u with their fleeting attitude)as you said before he used to be grounded in the US but then again, maybe it was always in him to spend this much it just that the situation didn’t not permit him in the US. I don’t know, people have a way of surprising us. Sometimes dealing with the problem is better than running away, and running away sometimes is the option available. I cant advice you on this matter, because am questioning everything am saying. God will sort you out and answer your heart desires. xxx

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk

  27. tee

    September 10, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Run for your life and sanity my dear, he is not worth the stress because he never listens to you nor care about you and the children. “A stitch in time save nine”.

  28. bonita

    September 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    It’s very depressing to read what you are going through. I will advice you not to relent in praying and also to move to affordable house, affordable schools for your kids. More so, try to reason with him.

  29. Sean

    September 10, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    prayer is the key, every xtian has a trying time. i hope u read ds, stay with him in naija. u re his partner for a reason nd that means u complement him. that’s his shortcoming nd u shud continually be his voice of reason. the issue u have is not enough to abandon him, what then happens if its worse? stay in ur aprtment in ikoyi til the landlord chases u out, but start looking for a smaller apartment. so u’ll have a place to go. he’l no doubt appreciate u more even though he may not say it out. just be prepared with a truck to move. change ur children’s sch to a more affordable one. for no reason should they be subjected to the ridicule of being sent out, they will never forget. pls take good care of urself nd ur children (esp. urslf). God will help u.

  30. pynk

    September 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Men men men! wonders shall never! I recently lost my mind and wrote a scarlett letter to my fiance, cos i believe he has big spender tendencies. I can only imgaine what the author is going through. If she can, her solution might be to move out with her kids and get going. Because Honestly her husband got lost along the way. the only way to kerb this mess is to either tally all their bills and call a family meeting (which he might get even more angry for) or just present the documentation to him. Leave it on the dining table for when he comes home to an empty house.

    I dont understand this whole keeping up in Lagos especially. This is a couple that ordinarily should have made it, but ended up being in a mess. Half of these people that are struggling to keep up with each other have nothing. a good 75% are struggling to live a life of materliasm that has negative effects on their future.

    Read a report stating that half of Lagosians were tenants. You wonder if half of your range rover driving friends are living in rented flats. Wonders shall never end.

  31. titi

    September 10, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Hmmm, its a really dicey situation, so I’lld advice you not to stop praying, i also don’t think leaving your husband is the right step to take. I kinda have a feeling a showdown with the landlord for your inability to pay the rent should jolt him back to reality. It might be embarrassing for you, Yes, but it might just be what he needs to know it aint business as usual.

  32. Suraju Kanipe

    September 10, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    This is a very simple matter, pack all your bag and baggages and relocate back to USA before this Dude use you take make N5,000 notes, haba my 6 year old neice sef cant ask me this kain question as she knows the parole already. Omo, a word is enough for someone that can browse o!!!

  33. adelegirl

    September 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    This story calls to mind a recent post on here, about having a back up plan in case of spousal absence – death, divorce or separation. Though that story focused on spousal absence, I think it applies to this as well. In your case, the financial repercussions seem even worse because your husband is still there yet you are bearing the costs alone. Someone once said to me, a man that cannot take care of his family is worse than an infidel. I don’t know what your religion is, but counselling for your husband seems in order, in addition to praying. I’m sure if you make inquiries, you’ll get references to some good marriage and financial counselors in Lagos. As a Christian, I am a firm believer that prayer changes things, so keep on praying. Also work on that back up plan, whatever you think is ideal for you – either going back to the US or renting a more affordable apartment and living within your present means. Also, I am sure you know that your children are paramount. Henceforth, try to acquire property in your children’s names, your husband need not know about this otherwise, he’ll find a way to convince you to dispose of it. You will also have to re-adjust your spending. Fewer holidays abroad, less expensive clothes, jewelry etc, so that you can save for your children’s future.

    I wonder though, have you mentioned to your husband that there is no money to renew your Ikoyi rent and that the children’s school fees can really no longer be afforded? Maybe if you impress it upon him that the shame of being evicted from your Ikoyi apartment and/or children being sent home for owing school fees,will be even greater than downsizing, especially as it could become public with all these blogs publishing personal stories of everyday (non-celebrity) Nigerians.

    I also wonder though if your continued support of the family is making your husband live in a bubble that everything is still okay and you haven’t hit rock bottom yet. Maybe if you let things just go to rot totally, he would wake up. Though I must admit that for the sake of your sanity and the children, this might be an extreme option.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you and your family well and pray that you’ll have a great testimony after this passes. You do know that it will pass right…?

  34. abisola ipade

    September 10, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    MY dear, if i was in your shoes, i would have returned to the US a long time, let him keep living in a fool’s world.

  35. purplepearl

    September 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Please be very prayerful and be patient meanwhile apply wisdom to what ever decision you take. May God direct and guide you.

  36. phummie

    September 10, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Joy will definately come in the morning my dear. My message to u is not to forget the power of prayers and what faith in God can if u genuinely believe. I wont advice you to leave you husband. Infact, this kind of thing can happen in another form. Remember Job.
    Stick to ur marriage, save anything possible, move your children

  37. Ayoola

    September 10, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    RUN!RUN!!RUN!!!! Back to the States..at this stage your number 1 concern should be your kids….your Husband FOR NOW is lost to the lagos fake life and lagos women(TRUST ME). fake friends are all over Lagos and they are their to ruin your happy life, both male and female. Your husband is trying to fit in and impress and will continue to do so until he is forced to join a SECRET cult for money ritual or he is finally dead…. Being broke is not an excuse to misbehave. Am a MAN and i got three kids in the UK and i dont have a girlfriend or make fake friends who are all over lagos to destroy happy people. My final word take your lovely kids back to the US for now and you can only keep praying for your hubby that he becomes the MAN you married and find you back…if he still loves you..he will surely locate you and you become one again…for now he is the property of LAGOS Madness….WOMAN your kids are your future dont wait…make sure you email me before December that you are already in the STATES…moreover going to the states does not mean leaving your home like a lot of Nigerian Women, who are suffering in their husband houses will want to make you believe. Marriage is not meant to be endured but to be ENJOYED FULLY…God bless…[email protected]….mail me if you think counseling will help

  38. Zam

    September 10, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    My dear, Please take your kids and go back to the US now you are alive, before you die out of faustration. If your husnand grows up, please leave abed sace for him as a prodigal husband (Thats if he is very remorseful).

  39. phummie

    September 10, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    It mite not be as easy if u move to US. Make plans for where u will stay if the landlord is ready to move you out in 2weeks. Please what is this man’s field? we can help him get a job. It is not a mistake that you are his wife. this is the time he needs your prayers and u need your God. Because of your children, He will have mercy.

    Good luck Mrs wife.

  40. cathy

    September 10, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    take to your heels while you still have the chance to, else he will draw you to the very state he is in

  41. Ady

    September 10, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Poor lady!!! Go on your knees dear…cry out to God!!!

  42. Concerned Medic

    September 10, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Wow! This is so sad but so prevalent in Lagos today. I am a returnee and have seen it myself. It is more common than you think! To the writer, I have a few perspectives for you to consider.

    Firstly, your husband sounds like he is suffering from Bipolar disorder or Unipolar disorder of mania. The irrationality, reckless spending etc is classic text book and the issue here is that those untreated ARE NOT ABLE to see reason and continue chasing a fools gold until it DESTROYS the family. I am a medical Dr and I have seen the effects. It is DISASTROUS and very difficult to savage if some one doesn’t do something on time. The issue here is that in Nigeria, it is not recognised so help is difficult. In the western world, all you have listed is actually grounds for SECTIONING him.

    The next thing I am going to say, I will advise you to do so prayerfully. I know I will get a barrage of insults from the die hard Nigerian marriage culturalists but I speak as a European trained doctor and from clinical experience. YOU need to do damage control for the sake of your children. This will mean, firstly trying to negotiate with him and persuade your family to down size. I doubt this will work as I presume this is something you have tried already.

    Secondly, you will need to exhibit tough love. In the absence of sectioning and forcing someone who is not in their correct senses to receive help, you have the RESPONSIBILITY to limit their damage on you and your loved ones. I am advocating that you LEAVE him. Now not to for-go the marriage totally but hopefully until he sees sense, accepts there is a problem and is willing to stop, change or seek help.

    This is where your faith and prayer comes in. Sometimes you have to leave them to discover on their own or realise their mistake before they can come back.
    Please understand this is not your husband so all attempts to get him to see reason or think of the children will fall on deaf ears. I am afraid to also say that promiscuity is another symptom is left untreated so please bear in mind that he may or later seek to be totally sexually inhibited. All this points to the illness and please be careful that you do not become desolate in your bid to ‘do better or worse’. I really believe that in the current environment, leaving him presently (with a view to return) is the best you can do.
    There is so much to say and unfortunately BN is not the best forum to state it all, but my heart really goes out to you hence my little epistle. I hope you get some help soon. In the meantime, there is a psychiatry centre in Wuse 2, Abuja called Synapse. Please google them, contact them and ask to speak to a psychiatrist or better yet the lead clinician called Dr Udenze (He is not based in Nigeria but the UK but he frequents very often).

    I wish you all the best.

    xxx

    • nomad

      September 10, 2012 at 2:38 pm

      What he said. I had (notice the past tense) a friend with bipolar disorder and it manifested in irrational spending, eating disorders and reckless promiscuity. I did all I could to help but in the end was powerless to contain her slide. She got medication and counseling and her life is back on track now (healthy relationship, keeping a job and graduate school) but it (not irreparably) destroyed our friendship.

      For the sake of your kids’ future, I do think maintaining a distance between yourself and your husband’s habits is important. Also for your own health. I cannot presume to know your husband (and armchair diagnosis can be dangerous in its own way) but you have to also be careful of the fact that he may be sleeping around.

      If you do love him, please do try to be there for him though. Talk to a psychiatrist, stage an intervention, beg him to seek help. Even if he’s not bipolar, he presents classic symptoms of clinical depression and support can be invaluable for him. But for yourself and the kids, maintain a distance until he gets himself together. Separation might even be the kick that he requires to start getting his life in order.

    • Kayla

      September 10, 2012 at 6:29 pm

      Doctor be careful with your diagnosis! If you read properly, her husband was excessively spending before he lost his job. Yes, excessive spending can be a symptom of Bipolar affective disorder, but patients also demonstrate abnormal behaviour such as lack of sleep, speech abnormality, lack of appetite e.t.c These are the signs family members pick up on the most becasue a patient with mania stands out like a sore thumb. You cannot diagnose Bipolar based on excessive spending habits alone; let alone cite this as grounds for sectioning.
      Sure you might be a medical doctor, but i can tell that you are most definitely not a psychiatrist. Be careful not to mislead people.

    • nomad

      September 10, 2012 at 11:31 pm

      honey, bipolar disorder manifests in multiple ways. I agree that there are no real grounds for sectioning but counseling is DEFINITELY necessary. Medication may help, again he needs to get diagnosed by a qualified psychiatrist but he’s obviously suffering from SOMETHING. Mental health is such a stigma here but it definitely exists. Sure his behavior was irrational prior to losing his job but it has obviously escalated and getting out of hand.

    • Shollygirl

      September 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

      I love your reply and I totally agree.

  43. teebee

    September 10, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Some people are saying praying and fasting~~~ For what?! Get out while you can!!!! Before he uses you for rituals!!!

  44. Concerned Medic

    September 10, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Please send a msg on this timeline if you want to contact me and I will pass my details over.

    xx

  45. Concerned Medic

    September 10, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Further more feel free to google bipolar disorder and mania for more information.

  46. brandigest

    September 10, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Think smartly before you leap
    http://brandigest.wordpress.com/

  47. elaine

    September 10, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    My advice to Mrs Wife is this. If you can’t afford to pay the rent, don’t do it. You no longer have property to sell. If I were you, I would pack up and move to his parents house so they can’t say you went back to your own parents or you ran off to America. He can stay in the house if he wants and find the money to pay rent.
    Your priority now is your children. If you feel you need to change schools, do it. You don’t need to live his unsustainable lifestyle if you are the one who will have to pay for it. This is the time for you to put your foot down. When the head of the family is incapable of taking control, it is the turn of the vice head to step in and restore order.

  48. Be Be

    September 10, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    I have been thro this for two year and i can say it is not an easy thing. it is a man’s ego that is at play. look for a job for him if possible. when he gets the job he will stop fooling around. he just can’t see himself without a job. just job search for him. for all u know he is not putting in ,uch effort since he know u are up to the task. take it easy.

  49. ESSY

    September 10, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    this man in question is bin petty becos he believs his back bone (his wife) wil always be by his side, my candid advice to the wife is not to devorce him, but start making preparation for relocating with the kids to d state, without the husband known, if u die over dis problem ur children wil suffer nd suffer becos ur husband wuld careless about their happiness. so madam pls nd pls leave d skumbags nd plann a better life for your kids. careless if he remarry or rout in debt.he wuld adjust to reality wen it done on him after spending some quality time in jail over reakless spenings nd foolness. “fly wey nor dey hear word, e must follow dead body enter grave”. mshewwwwwww

  50. Radiant

    September 10, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Just a few quick questions-

    1. Is there a house you can leave in rent-free if you return to the States for now?
    2. Do you have enough to pay another school fees or get a refund from the Nigerian school you already paid to last week?
    3. Do you have a job offer waiting in the US as well?

    It is important you don’t get into bigger problems.

    From the your story, there is a serious build up in the spending issue with your husband and all that can be done has to be done fast.

    Please consider going to your family and his family right away.

    PS: If this is a real life situation, I pray help comes your way in no time. May the peace of God surround your heart.

    • idak

      September 10, 2012 at 4:21 pm

      W e need to know when we are dealing with real life situations and when it is fiction,so we don’t waste our prayers on fictitious tales. I have been a victim of such in the past.
      I hate to be made to look stupid by strangers.

  51. mii2

    September 10, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    (CORRECTIONs MADE)

    Hmmm …

    I read ur story and most of the advice GIVEN. And I would say dis is my parents story.

    This is what I would advice u to DO. I agree with SEUN, look for a cheaper rent space and wait on the Landlord to kick u out. Since u have spoken 2 ur husband about the move and he has refused when dat happens u can justify the kids school change.

    About opening credit line in the States pls sign up with one the credit monitoring companies out there to block any activities without your approval.

    U sold ur home, DAT fine u can always buy another one.

    Another option could be into looking for jobs aboard.

    I pray all goes WELL with u and your family

  52. Another Wife of a Big Spender... lol

    September 10, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    As a wife in a somewhat similiar situation… I would advice you to sow the right seeds. marriage is an unconditional situation, and you need to put all of your energy into working with the situation.. The U.S. is not the best environment for African children…. the african American children run rampant… I think the Nigerian atmosphere would probably be best for them.. As far as your husband goes.. you need to pray with him and for him.. There is nothing too great for our God, and I have witnessed how God can turn it around. If it is on your path, you are more than equipped to sort it out…. Just a little about me, I married a loving beautiful man from cameroon. Our relationship drastically changed when we slipped on the rings. He became so serious….No time for romance or fun.. except when his friends would come around.. and then he would spend big money to buy them all drinks to the point sometime the account would go overdrawn and then he would ask me for gas money to get through the week. Instead of spending money on groceries.. he would insist on going to a restaurant.. because he could wait for me to cook….. I would find overdue notices for bills… meanwhile there are new shoes on his feet… just to name a few things.. He was weighing in on my money so much that I began to skip on tithes to my church… and thats when it got worse…. I found that for me.. getting back in stride with God put things on the right path. My husband also sporadically attends church with me. So I pray girl…. and pay my tithes with a sincere heart.. believing that God can fix the questionable areas in our marriage… Best wishes honey.

  53. Naveah

    September 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    People are saying get people he respects to talk to him, the woman has clearly stated that even his parents can’t get through to him! Others are saying fast and pray, of course that is always helpful but please let’s note that even the Good Book states very clearly that faith without works is DEAD! You can have all the faith in the world but if it is not supported by action, you are wasting your time!

    Mrs., you can fast, pray and praise but you must also find a course of action that will save your sanity, finances, children and dignity! Have you tried to find one decent member of his big boy crew who might see things your way and speak with him? I am glad you said that you have your salary paid into a different account, smart move number one on your part. You have tried to be up front and put all your cards on the table with him, it’s not working so it’s time for some stealth action! You need to institute some serious austerity measures to save both of your lives and that of your children!

    You can quietly remove your children from the overpriced school and re-enroll them into a school that YOU can afford, how would he know? He isn’t driving them to school or paying attention to them as it is. If he gets upset, he will get over it just as he got over the fact that your check is no longer available to him via the joint account.
    Additionally, coordinate a move to coincide with one of his fancy trips, find a new affordable apartment, move your belongings including his and tell him the new address so he knows where to go to from MM1! Again, if he wants a roof over his head, he will get over it and come home; or he can head to his parents house BUT girl, you have got to force his hand or else he is going to think things are peachy since you are grinning and baring it before the world! Call up the credit card companies, close the accounts and tell them that he is not in the right frame of mind to own them, tell them you will NOT be responsible for the bills he incurs IF they keep giving him cards! Remove his name from any important assets that might be seized for none payments!

    Someone was saying that if you leave him, you will be replaced by another woman, I’m sorry to break it to that person and to you if you are so naive, YOU HAVE BEEN REPLACED by his love for new shiny toys, travel, Saville Row/Ozwald Boateng suits, credit cards and his boys! You are and have been playing second fiddle to these things and please don’t fool yourself into thinking that these big boys are going on these trips to hold each others man members; there are plenty of loose women who will keep them company on these trip. If you are NOT on that trip with him, do you honestly think those other guys have their wives? That is the least of your worry being replaced by some woman, how about the roof over your head being replaced by a bridge? Or your perfectly good health being eroded by HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis or STDS? See the things people worry about? Abeg, your life is on the line – financially, emotionally, mentally, spirituall and sexually!!! Get Yourself TESTED!

    I do not advocate that you should leave your husband, you have made a commitment and part of the vows you took said “for better or for worse”…you have had the better and now you are experiencing the worst. You have children together for which you have set an example never mind that family members who are NOT walking in your shoes are saying to you. Try to seek secular/spiritual counseling for yourself and your husband, if that doesn’t work then you might need to institute a brief period of separation to get yourself right because I am sure you are Overwhelmed, Underappreciated, Overworked, Drained emotionally, spiritually, mentally AND feeling Underloved. You must take care of yourself as a woman in order to be a good wife and mother. If YOU THE WOMAN are not held together tight, the rest of your positions in your life as an employee, wife, mother etc will NOT be together either! It will all fall apart!

    Thank God you do have the option of going to the States with your children for a fresh start but let that be your last resort. I think with God’s help, you will be able to reach your husband so that you can exact the necessary changes that will help you move forward as a loving, healthy and successful family. You were once a super couple together, you did it once and you can do it again!

    All the Best;)

    • Anonymus

      September 11, 2012 at 7:40 pm

      This is the best advice i have read on bella naija ever!!

    • Ammie

      September 12, 2012 at 10:45 am

      Wow, perfect answer.

    • ANA

      September 14, 2012 at 10:00 am

      Excellent stuff!

  54. toyin

    September 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    wow

  55. toyin

    September 10, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    The first words that came to out of my mouth as I finished reading this was Thank you Lord(I was referring my husband)
    Like you, we too have 2 children and my husband has mentioned may times to relocate to Nigeria
    He too has been getting a lot of job offers but I know I don’t have the liver for that Lagos so we have agreed to stay where will are

    The pressure in that Lagos is too much to keep up with the Jones and I understand ur hubbys frustrated and embarrassment as a man not being able to provide for his family and having to keep up this pretence with his friends
    DO NOT leave your husband and move to the US I repeat DO NOT if u think this is bad u will see what bad truly is if u leave him behind

    Seek advice from your pastor or he may prefer a non “church “ person to speak too
    That fine too , as long as he is getting the correct advice and help they are few therapist you can both visit together in Lagos

  56. toyin

    September 10, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    also please save some
    the children need to move schools
    and you need to move homes
    but at the same time i know you will feel embrassed as people will be asking questions

    move to US but only with the enitre family…………….if you take 2 things away from what i have said it is to save money and seek advice from a pastor or therapist

  57. julz

    September 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Dear Mrs wife
    I indeed feel your pain! i am just going through a process of self getting back and had to do a 3mnth re orientation including visiting a shrink in flemish part of europe and it has really opened my eyes to see that nigerians have serious issues! to me, it has all started with this religion thing! My faith got me this big contract and everyone would jump up and clap in church and all start fighting tooth and nail for their own contracts . the fakeness is TOO much and the pastors dnt make it easier thus so much pressure! You have to be wise, wisdom includes though love, all men have ego issues and if you have to tackle t you would have to move away to secure your childrens future. humility is what you need and you have to explain that to your kids as well, i have dated a divorcee who was a spender and at the time he had no job and no money for his kids fee and i dint have to give him, he took me for a very bad person but he knows i told him the truth about his life! you may have to spell out and not sugar coat the truth to your hubby.
    This can i repeat can happen to anybody as far as you live in nigeria so ladies think wisely, most women cant even think because they themselves are fascinated by their hairs, shoulder straps and heels!
    I indeed wish you luck because i know you will find it, you are strong!

  58. Gorgeous

    September 10, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    My dear, i think you have married him as a submissive partner this is why you are having problems. You first moved and became a full housewife. You all had the opportunity to have an apartment in Ikoyi, if you yourself were not over submissive and also a big spender wanting to live the Lagos life, you would have advised that you both use the housing allowance to get a Land in Lekki. I think if you did this, you both would have had a built a house all yours. Now that he has lost his job and you have one, you are all of a sudden madam prudent. The fact of the matter is, you married this man under false pretenses. You are not a submisssive woman afterall. Now that you are faced with the reality of life. I think if you leave, he is going to leave you and find a submissive Nigerian girl. Which like you, they all pretend to be. My advice will be to talk to him seriously. Tell him he needs to find a job here or in the US. Be frank with him. If he himself admits that the pressure in Lagos is too much. Tell him that maybe you guys can try a trial relocation back to the US. With his international experience he can get an even better high flying job in the US. He cannot linger too long out of employment, because that can make him unemployable both in Lagos and in the US. Tell him you have waited long enough for his investments to bear fruit, and it is time for you both to face the truth. These people he is trying to impress do not regard him as belonging to their circle or being one of them. Because if he was, they would have helped him out of his rot. So it is time to wake up and stop living in a foold paradise. I had a boyfriend/fiancee like yours who expected me to just exist. My dear i dont know hoe to exist and stay in the back ground, while someone takes all the decisions that affect my life. It his taking him a while to realise that i will always be a wayray that questions his decisions because i want the best for me and my future kids. He loves me, and is learning to value my input. We are still on the matter. Life is not very tedious and complicated, it takes two heads to keep afloat. If he refuses to see reason, pack your kids into a new apartment you can afford. Change them to very good schools, please no matter what do not gamble with their education. So that just in case you have to move to the US, they will not be so left behind compared to their mates. Also look for ways to start a business, so that if you sef lose your job you will not be in a desperate situation. While you are doing all these start looking for a job in the US.

  59. sassycassie

    September 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    People keep talking about pressure to keep up with the jones in Naija( especially in Lagos) as if they’re being forced to do what they havent already decided to do in their hearts. No one, i repeat, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. nobody can force to live live an extravagant lifestyle you cant afford without your consent. no one can oppress you unless you want to be oppressed. it’s easy to live with your means if you REALLY WANT to live within your means!

    anyways back to the real issue, my dear wifey, you need to sit your husband down and tell him to buckle up. dont threaten to to leave with the kids before he chops you little pieces and feeds you to bingo,sha. if he doesnt shape up, i suggest you relocate with the kids and keep praying for him. hopefully, that’d make him shape up

    • idak

      September 10, 2012 at 3:57 pm

      you are very naive and ignorant of the city called Lagos (I say that with all due respect). the peer pressure in that city is more spiritual than social. If you don’t have a good hedge around you, you get sucked in unknowingly. Even sites like BN with the endless parties and red carpets do not help matters. If you know how many of the red carpet regulars have less than 50k balance in their accounts,you’ll shudder. I see where you are coming from with your comment but there is something inherently wrong with that city. You just can’t shut your eyes for a minute else you slip. The city is like a pressure cooker pot.

    • Abs

      September 10, 2012 at 5:23 pm

      Reading through the comments here, yours especially about site like BN being part of the pressure to ‘belong’ kicked me into responding. I’m a Ghanaian who has never been to Nigeria before but the kind of lifestyle especially when it comes to the pictures of lavish weddings and parties always splashed on sites like BN makes me wonder how the have nots in Nigeria feel. So left out and listless I bet. And thanks to the power of the internet, now Ghanaians who usually very modest people are also blindly copying this kind of lifestyle. God save us. Nothing beats spending within your means. You ain’t in a competition with anyone. Wishing the lady good luck. I do hope BN will post this.

    • sassycassie

      September 10, 2012 at 5:26 pm

      sweetheart, grew up in lagos. still have my family back there so, yeah, i know what the hell i’m talking about. people should stop trying to belong and grow some self confidence

  60. sassycassie

    September 10, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    and please women, submission=/= stupidity.

  61. toyin

    September 10, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    if you move and leave him I say with full certainty he will find another woman with no issues in dat Lagos.

  62. tafia

    September 10, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Hey Mrs. wife..i cant even imagine how you feel wil have u in my prayers. @ Bella Naija Critic- you couldn’t hvae said it better.I totally agree… try to involve family and if everythg else fails, your kids come first, take dem back to the US. You will be fine. God bless & direct you dear.

  63. Seun Akinsanya

    September 10, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Dear Mrs., what day are you coming to the US again? To be married is not to be stupid! See you soon with the kids.

  64. what

    September 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    I have to say …as a Nigerian who has been and lived in about 5 states in the country as well as abroad, although the country can be materialistic….i have to agree that ‘Lagos Life’ or the ‘Lagos materialistic Life’ is the worst ……..so much fake people…….i wish you luck my dear…and i do agree with concerned medic…..your husband is depressed and practically gone….he needs serious therapy and intervention….

    • idak

      September 10, 2012 at 4:13 pm

      My dear, your have said it all.
      There is something intrinsically wrong with that town.
      You just can’t tell me that level of falseness is normal. Even in the church,folks are forming.

  65. Lucy

    September 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    There comes a point in every relationship or mariage, wehn love becomes indulgence of enabling. My dear, you have reached that point and crossed it tey tey. By supporting that lifestyle, you were/are enabling him. If you move into a cheaper house, and let him live there too, and you continue picking up his slack, you may as well, be the one shooting him up. Treat him the way you treat addicts. He needs an intervention. Stop enabling him. No dfference between you and a pimp with a prostitue or an addict with a drug dealer. Sorry, thats a harsh comparison, but I would like you to wake up and smell the rot that is in your backyard, you became his doormat for all this while regarding the expenses. You said it yourself, after you were smart in settling your bills abraod including the MBA, you let him bully you into selling your house. You obviously are a smart woman, who has been faced with impossible circumstances, you need to go back to that woman you know you are, and take charge of your life. U know when they talk about people in irreversible comas, and doctors tell their families, that person you know is no more, all that is left is his/her body, that person you smiled with, loved, laughed with, gisted with is no longer that person lying in that bed, so you have to let them go. My dear, I’m afraid, that man is no longer your husband, the man you married. A lot of words in the bible, are metaphorical, and they have deeper meanings, that what you read on face value. Tell that to even long time pastors, and in their narrow mindedness, they’ll be arguing with you, and quoting as if you dont know the bible yourself. I digress. Anyway, you have a responsibility first and foremost to your children as a parent. Have you thought about them at all, because so far, your husband has taken the centre stage, and you are worrying more about him, than your kids. You owe your children the ability to grow up with stability, and now that your hsuband has neglected his responsibility to your family, you are basically a single woman, and a single parent. A head with no crown, so what are the prayer warriors talking about? Being married goes way beyond both of you lving in the same house. You need to love him (if you still do – love asks for impossible sacrifices sometimes) from a distance, for now, whether it is living abroad or living away from that expensive house, thats up to you. You have an uphill battle infront of you, raising your kids alone, and that takes courage, sanity and strength. This man will wear you out, till you have nothing left to give anymore, and your kids will suffer, and you will suffer. You need to cry your eyes out, clean your face, and make tough decisions. A man that has turned his back on you is not worth calling your husband. People just think it is leaving that breaks up a marriage. You can still be living together and no longer have a marriage in its truest sense. Once one or both parties break their vows, (whether it is with infidelity, emotional or physical abandonment, abuse, etc) you no longer have a marriage, just communal living. With what you have described, in my opinion, and i will re-iterate, in my opinion you no longer have a marriage, so it is up to you to determine what it is you are still hanging onto, and for the sake of whom. You have defenceless children, who need their mum to be both mum and dad to them, and physically he may be there, but your kids no longer have a father, so you have to play two roles now, and at this point, you need to put the welfare of your children first. My beef with prayerists is that they never present solutions. The Lord will not come down Himself and take decisions for you, so you need to search within yourself, after you have sought for guidance (which can come from anywhere), and take decisions. I only put up this comment, to paint a picture of your present circumstances, and hopefully put it into perspective. If I came across as harsh, I apologise, I just wanted to mentally shake you up. Some other people have been so emotional about this issue, you would think they are in your shoes, or they know you. You need clarity here, and rational thinking. Remove emotions, remove sentiments, you are alone now basically, and you have to fend for yourself. Whatever decision you take, please stick by it and dont look back. I wish you strength, and please hang in there. It will only be well when you get up and do something about it. Dont let anyone tell you pele ehn, it is well.

    • ruby

      September 10, 2012 at 4:50 pm

      Eish!! your harshness will make God himself blush. How can you draw such lines in a marriage? Are you even considering the children you claim the woman is ignoring by focussing on the husband? With your kind of theology, marriages will not last beyond 6 months o! You need to take it easy.

    • Dayo

      September 10, 2012 at 7:52 pm

      Which part of considering the children did you not read, abi which kind reply be this> she needs to do what is in the best interest for her and the kids for now. They are facing a precipice, and if she does not act, the circumstances that the man has put them into will make them fall. Me sha, that man stopped being her husband long ago, and he stopped being the children’s father, cos if he thought about their welfare at all, he won’t have spent like he did. What kind of man is soooooooo selfish to do what he did, that some people here are asking her to be selfless, to the point of insanity. This is not a tit for tat issue, but an issue of, if he can’t take care of her, a head with no crown like Lucy said, she has to be the one to take care of herself and her children, and stop babying him. Whats the next thing na, she moves somewhere else, pays the rent, and the man follows her and she continues paying the rent, fees, and feeding him, when will it stop. Me o, i no say make she leave the man o, but she should stop paying his way for him. She has to do tough love at this point, and going to america will just be running away. Maybe when he comes home one day and see that she is not home, and the children, and she has packed her things, her eyes go clear. Let him pay the Ikoyi rent.

    • Pendo

      September 10, 2012 at 5:04 pm

      wow you have made the most sense to me going through all these comments!

  66. Esther

    September 10, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I AM SHORT OF WORDS, GOD WILL RESTORE EVERYTHING THAT U HAVE LOST IN UR MARRIAGE.

  67. faith

    September 10, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    with all these advices from bn readers, i am even more confused…i wonder how mrs spender will be feeling now…smh…

    • Ajoke

      September 10, 2012 at 5:24 pm

      My thoughts exactly LOL

    • partyrider

      September 10, 2012 at 11:40 pm

      LOL..so true

    • queen

      September 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

      i totally agree

  68. idak

    September 10, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    One of the biggest lies in this country is the assumption that expensive fees equates to good education.

    • dammie

      September 10, 2012 at 4:34 pm

      gbam!!

    • Omotee

      September 11, 2012 at 1:59 am

      Trying hard not to let the “don’t leave him or another woman will take ur place” comments annoy me so much. If u say don’t leave him cos marriage is a commitment, ehen. As for d reason, who told u he doesn’t have a woman or women pampering his spoilt ass? But I digress, this ain’t no counselling session. My two kobo:

      U need to be sharp. The rules have changed. Don’t enable him, don’t let him spend ur money on foolish things. U have kids that need all d money u make plus more. Don’t pump money into any joint acct. Let him get angry, he’ll get over it. Let no gbese be in ur name pls, let him wear his suits and bear the cost.
      I agree with a back up plan for accommodation but wait until u r kicked out before u move, his type needs drastic things like disgrace to jolt him back to life. He’ll also realise his fellow big boys won’t give or borrow him a dime for rent.
      And pls change schools. That stupid notion that expensive schools mean good education is just crap. Looks like he cant pay a dime for the school anyway so once he cant pay, Get a good n affordable school. I’ve come to realise parents these days choose those schools to fit into some stupid class, their kids education is not even on their mind, all na wash.
      If u r interested in saving the marriage (which is good) don’t leave for the US unless he has seen the light and will come with u with his sanity intact. This way it doesn’t look like u first left the marriage. Plus u have a good job here, don’t leave certainty for uncertainty except u have one big plan.

      Oh yeah, pls pray, u need God. But He also gave u brains ma’am, He definitely wants u to be wise.
      I bet ur kids won’t call u blessed if u don’t help them secure a good future instead u focus on being submissive. And this submission theory, our pastors have a lot of work to do. But I digress.

      And the horse? Pls poison the damn thing or sell it already! Horse??

  69. Oma

    September 10, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    I swear there’s a spirit in Lagos. It takes the power of God and a very strong spirit not to succumb to this kind of life. And its so sad. Lady, please keep being cool headed and smart for ur kids. Yes, u have to be his helper in this situation, but you have to be extremely smart. Continue to make sure he has ZERO access to ur funds. No two ways abt that. He seems very qualified and can get a job but jst like many men, his bloated ego just won’t let him. You really have to force him by giving him a wake up call. By forcing him, I mean being very strong abt the choices you make to drastically cut down. Send the kids to less expensive schools, move to a less expensive apartment. You are highly educated, make that education work for you. Being submissive does not mean someone should ruin ur life for u. This is the time to be strong headed, smart and take the bull by its horns. God bless you

  70. 9jamom

    September 10, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    This is quite unfortunate! I hear this story over and over with so many Nigerian families and I’ve witnessed many men with misplaced priorities as soon as an opportunity opens up for them.

    There’s no point in crying over spilled milk about the sale of the house but it should be a lesson to all – never give up an asset to pay for recurring bills – the bills will never go away.

    You are a strong woman, who made a mistake – it could happen to anyone. You’ve taken your first step in getting a job so kudos to you. Now your next step is to downsize and stop paying any of the extravagant bills as you’re simply throwing away money you do not have. Wait to get kicked out of the apartment and use that opportunity to save some extra money. In the meantime, try to get hubby to agree to downsizing and if he still doesn’t agree, take your kids and move into your parents house where you either live rent-free or offer them something substantially smaller than what you would pay for rent elsewhere.

    Get the kids in a cheaper school while you build yourself back up.
    Keep praying for your husband if you still love him and want to repair your marriage – while he made a very costly mistake, you also enabled him and such you’re both responsible for the mess you are in. You said he was very grounded so it sounds like a case of someone who hasn’t been exposed to a lot of money and did not really have strong financial principles. Anyone can become a millionaire tomorrow but not everyone who becomes one stays one if you can’t manage money.

    The US is not necessarily the answer – depending on what state you’re in when the debt was incurred, it could be considered marital debt although there are exceptions if you can show the debts are almost solely his and are as a result of some excessive habit (e.g. gambling or in this case, a general spending problem) – either way, you’d probably need to spend money on a good professional (legal or financial or both) to make your case.

    If you do have a job waiting for you in the US, then you can consider that but don’t move back without a job as you won’t have the luxury of family support with the children or cheap labor/daycare etc that you need right now.

    Sit down and draw up a list of all you have amassed that can be sold – clothing, jewelry etc that are big labels – you can sell those off for some initial funds to offset bills or get you setup in an apartment etc…

    A list of pros and cons for moving to the US or staying will also be useful.

    Stay strong as you can and will get yourself out of this mess. You simply need to focus on you and your children right now and make decisions that benefit you and them only. Your husband is secondary at this point – some tough love will do him good.

    Good luck!

  71. 9jamom

    September 10, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    This is quite unfortunate! I hear this story over and over with so many Nigerian families and I’ve witnessed many men with misplaced priorities as soon as an opportunity opens up for them.

    There’s no point in crying over spilled milk about the sale of the house but it should be a lesson to all – never give up an asset to pay for recurring bills – the bills will never go away.

    You are a strong woman, who made a mistake – it could happen to anyone. You’ve taken your first step in getting a job so kudos to you. Now your next step is to downsize and stop paying any of the extravagant bills as you’re simply throwing away money you do not have. Wait to get kicked out of the apartment and use that opportunity to save some extra money. In the meantime, try to get hubby to agree to downsizing and if he still doesn’t agree, take your kids and move into your parents house where you either live rent-free or offer them something substantially smaller than what you would pay for rent elsewhere.

    Get the kids in a cheaper school while you build yourself back up.
    Keep praying for your husband if you still love him and want to repair your marriage – while he made a very costly mistake, you also enabled him and such you’re both responsible for the mess you are in. You said he was very grounded so it sounds like a case of someone who hasn’t been exposed to a lot of money and did not really have strong financial principles. Anyone can become a millionaire tomorrow but not everyone who becomes one stays one if you can’t manage money.

    The US is not necessarily the answer – depending on what state you’re in when the debt was incurred, it could be considered marital debt although there are exceptions if you can show the debts are almost solely his and are as a result of some excessive habit (e.g. gambling or in this case, a general spending problem) – either way, you’d probably need to spend money on a good professional (legal or financial or both) to make your case.

    If you do have a job waiting for you in the US, then you can consider that but don’t move back without a job as you won’t have the luxury of family support with the children or cheap labor/daycare etc that you need right now.

    Sit down and draw up a list of all you have amassed that can be sold – clothing, jewelry etc that are big labels – you can sell those off for some initial funds to offset bills or get you setup in an apartment etc…

    A list of pros and cons for moving to the US or staying will also be useful.

    Stay strong as you can and will get yourself out of this mess. You simply need to focus on you and your children right now and make decisions that benefit you and them only. Your husband is secondary at this point – some tough love will do him good.

    Good luck!
    http://www.9jamom.com

  72. LOUDA

    September 10, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    I feel running to America might not be the best idea if you still love your man and want your kids to grow up having a dad in their lives. Do you wonder what will happen when you leave, his friends will not hesitate to arrange another woman for him and before you know it he marries her. Funny enough when you leave, things might just turn right round and get better for him and then you will come back to him again? He will say you abandoned him when he was in trouble. So running back to the US might just be the end of the marriage if that is what you want. When they say for better for worse I believe this is one of the worse times. This situation can make you know God in a way you’ve never known him if you go close to him on your knees. I know its not easy bearing all the man has put on you but then, there is nothing God cannot do. You have to ask yourself a simple question, do you want to give the marriage a try or do you wanna walk away. Then weigh the outcome of both and choose the one that satisfies your conscience my dear. This too shall pass. Time is a great healer.

  73. Love

    September 10, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    I see why the bible says “godliness with contentment is gain (I Tim 6:6).” Because from the outside, some women would be envying you and wishing they were ‘enjoying’ like you without knowing the heartache you are going through! First, I think you should surrender to God, get saved (if you haven’t done so already), and prepare to pray your hearts out. Have you and your hubby been paying tithing? If no, you need to do so so God can rebuke the devourer in your home. You need good friends + a true man/woman of God that can get a prayer through for you to start praying and fasting with you. Get anointing oil and for at least 7 days in a row, anoint your home and command every demon causing problems in your home to leave. Also, check your life: while you were living life on the fast lane, did you behave so wickedly to anyone (e.g. driver, maid, random begger, someone desperately needing your help, e.t.c.)? If so, as much as lies within you, and if you can still locate such persons, seek their forgiveness.

    Also do the following: since you can’t take some of your husband’s stuff to start selling, sell all the stuff you think you and your kids can do without. Sell some of your designer bags, shoes, jewelry, e.t.c. The things you can’t sell, donate to charity. Maybe if your husband sees you doing this, his heart would be pricked to amend his ways somewhat. Also, cut down on the extravagant eating. Instead of serving him meat, fish, chicken, and all other orishirishi at once, give him only one type of meat. If he questions you, tell him times are hard. Now, concerning accommodation, find a 2 bedroom apartment to relocate the family to, after your rent expires. Don’t run around looking for rent money for your Ikoyi place. Because you somehow always come up with the money, he probably things you have money hidden somewhere. Now, follow him out to see the friends he hangs out with. Get to know their wives, and see if their wives are in a similar plight. If no, talk to their wives so they’ll pass the message across to their husbands and word will go out among his circle of friends that your hubby is living a fake life. Hopefully, if they know this, they’ll stop inviting out to waste money and not collect expensive stuff from him. Also check to see if he’s spending money on his family (i.e. putting a sibling through school, paying his parents’ rent, e.t.c). If yes, then your complaining to them won’t do much. I know it’s hard, but tell your parents what you’re going through, since his parents aren’t doing much. Maybe your parents might be able to talk to his parents and they can put pressure on him.

    Also, do you have your papers in the U.S. and are your children U.S. citizens? If yes, start looking for a job in the U.S. At least, if you put your kids in public schools in the U.S., you wont have to worry about school fees. Also see if you can buy a house or rent a place in state where rent is cheap and houses not too expensive (e.g. Florida). When you have your U.S. end well-covered, tell your husband you want to relocate, and just as you made the sacrifice to relocate with him in the 1st place, he should do the same for you.

    Lastly, get tested for STDs just to make sure you haven’t contracted anything from him. Also protect yourself accordingly when you get intimate. See if he can get medical help too. Look for a very good psychiatrist for him. Your husband may be having a delusional disorder. Good luck and God bless!

  74. nola

    September 10, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    from people’s comments, now we know the kind of women men marry today. fairweather wives. and many of them commenting are involved in the fake life as well, brazilian hair, island living,, goin for drinks here and there, lv bags chanels dis and dat….My dear i empathise with you and pray that the lord is ur strength. But you cant leave ur husband. When you said your vows, you said for better or for worse, the business trips, the ikoyi home, the posh schools was the better, now this is the worse, bt u shall get back up there, help ur husband to distribute his cv, pray for him and save smartly. You cant leave him though except he beats you sha.

    • Remi

      September 10, 2012 at 7:31 pm

      watch them ignore your comment. one of these ladies boldly told a friend that she is allergic to broke guys. SMH!!

    • Dayo

      September 10, 2012 at 9:31 pm

      Sorry to disappoint you dear, I live in Ilupeju, I have never bough brazilian hair in my life before, the most expensive weave i have ever bought is Supreme. I work on the Island, and I go home when i close, a few times i hang out. Most of my friends are on the mainland, and the parties i attend are there to, because i like to be among real people, with real lives. That is my comfort zone, so please abeg, stop with the generalisation that you just made.

  75. FriendlyStranger

    September 10, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    I am amused at the number of people talking about him using you for rituals. Personally I find that silly, but regardless, if he has not hit you over any of the issues from your situation, it is unlikely that he would be using you for rituals.

    THE PROBLEM:
    HE is an ADDICT. He is addicted to the illusion of wealth as absurdly defined by socialite Lagosian. He is addicted to the false attention his “supposed” friends and those around him gave him when things were all rosy. YOU. You buried your voice too easily when you relocated and now he finds it almost impossible to hear you. You tolerated the extravagance when you could have put a foot down and said no. I know these faults are past tense but I say them so you are aware so WHEN things get better and he gets a job again, you don’t make the same mistakes.

    OPTION 1
    From what I read, it seems you still communicate, even if not fluidly, this means both of you can still find space to TALK, but not about the problem. If you can, find a way for both of you to LAUGH, laughter brings down our defences, and in that moment take a trip down memory lane together to the time when you first met, how you lived when you were in the US, things that brings to memory the man you fell in love with. If he can remember that man, he can start to feel remorse, and that is a first step. Try to remind him of those good friends that have not been aiding this reckless lifestyle he has been living. This can help rekindle his professional ambitions and if you can get to this point, you can start to address the side effects of his recklessness like your housing situation, the kids schooling et al .

    OPTION 2
    This is a little direct. You stage an intervention (family meeting) and address the issues head on. State what they are, how they are affecting the people he loves and the people that love him. State what he has to do and not do to resolve it. It is very important that the family group that you assemble are people he TRUSTS. Trust is very important in the receptivity of what is been said. You cannot afford to be soft with this option but do not give ultimatums that amount to treats, people with inflated egos can’t handle treats especially in situations like this.

    OPTION 3
    Rent a new place and gradually move your things, start with things he would not notice, as the rent of your current place gets due, do not pay it, you can inform your landlord/lady that you would be moving. Try to make your discussions with you landlord/lady subtle and cordial. Next enroll the kids in a good school that is within your current budget and close to your work, you would be acting like you are a single parent so you can’t afford long hours in traffic. Once you have been able to successfully downsize, attempt either option 1 or 2.

    OPTION 4
    This is the least favorable because it involves parting ways with your husband. This is least favorable because it does not help your husband and for a woman that loves her husband, it would hurt to see/know that he is running himself to the ground. Like the prodigal son story, there exists the chance that when he has been beaten he would come to his senses and come back to you, but also there exists the possibility that he wouldn’t. Also since you were married in the US, it means that the credit cards and debt he incurs would still be reflected in your records and can affect your situation if you decide relocating back to the US is the way to go.

    PS. if you have a copy of his updated resume, you can even do some job applications on his behalf in the US, maybe when he starts receiving emails and phone calls from companies he might wake up.

    wish you all the best. you are a good woman and good will always find you, even in the midst of chaos

  76. I Kissed Him Goodbye

    September 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Fa Fa….all na lie…Wife of big spender, wake up and smell the roses. I was in a similar situation 6months ago with the hubby. He had a good job on the island and we live on the mainland. The issue I had was he was focused on the big life rather than appreciating what he had(i.e. his job). He spent hours and nights racking up bills in the name of chasing trillion naira contract and even borrowed N1.5mn from me. All the while, I kept advising him to quit this phony business but he refused to listen. He was laid off from work during this period and told me that he was paid a huge severance package. I also told his mother who insisted that one pastor had informed her when he was a baby that her son was going to hit it big.
    Hit it big indeed my ass!!! Anyway, our rent was due and the hubby lied and told me he had paid two years in advance to the landlord already. So you can imagine my shock when the landlord came around and confronted him and told me that he had only paid for a year and not 2years. Furthermore, he told the landlord he was no longer interested in the apartment and had already secured a duplex to move in and was completing his personal house in Ikorodu. I was flabbergasted and the landlord told me that we had to move out of the house. Anyway, I had to plead with the landlord, called my parents in with his as well and I paid for the annual rent. He still had the guts to tell the landlord he did nothing wrong.

    To cut the long story short, I’ve moved back to my parents house while he sorts out himself and if he never does, i’ll be thanking God cos we have no issue and I can still retrace my steps. My dear listen to your intuition, it never fails you. You’re responsible for your kids ooooooooooooooo don’t waste your time pampering an overgrown bad ass man.

  77. Lazioman

    September 10, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    I think you should send your kids to your parents, and offer not to pay the rent for this year, so that he sees what is actually going on. I commend you for being a prudent woman..very rare to find these days!

    lazioman.blogspot.com

  78. Ure

    September 10, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Pleaseeeeeeeeee dont divorce your husband or leave him in this country rich people fill the need to be extravagant, your husbands new friends must have talked him into the life style or he felt the need up his spendings to meet up with his new friends.

    Divorce or seperation is not the way, i bet you love him. Prayer is the master key. you said you have spoken and so has his parents so now its time to ask the God that has his heart like a water course in His hands and can stir it to whereever he desires. get close to God cos nothing is impossible with him.

    all will be well.

  79. i no send

    September 10, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    mmmh…all these long advises are confusing me jare? but what happens to the horse?

  80. natty

    September 10, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    don’t leave your husband! let the rent expire first and see his reaction, i’m sure by then his eyes would have cleared.I was almost in your shoes, i had to call my relationship quits when i saw he was a big spender with empty pockets, i wanted to spend 4 million on a fairly used car so he can keep up with the big boys, instead of buying a brand new car that won’t give you problems immediately, when i told him to buy a smaller brand new car, his response was shut up,he wanted to relocate to lagos, and said he must live on the island that he can’t live anywhere else, this is some1 that doesn’t have upto 20 mill in his account but wants to keep up with the joneses

  81. lol

    September 10, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    Awww, i feel very sorry for you, but i think you should start by changing your children school and forget whatever your husband says, next you sell all the unnecessary items in your house you don’t need to save up some money like the horse you mentioned, you need to speak to your husband straight from your heart ,lock the door to your room and keep the key you guys shouldn’t leave that room till all the issues are settled, peer pressure is very hard 2 overcome you need to remind him the kind of man he is like you explained the kind you married tell him the truth in a reasonable way no nagging speak to him with wisdom, if he has a mentor or any one he respects very well, let them help him get back on track and most especially before you do any of this pray very well ask God to guide you and you don’t need 2 involve a lot of family members..men hate things like that..i pray things change for you running back to the US is not the best thing, single parent isn’t fun and all the bills and montage you will pay my dear it not easy oo…and remember it is for better for worse you can’t just run without trying all you can..you are a strong woman and you will be fine in jesus name.

  82. Nice Anon

    September 10, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    Crazy stuff. I hope the writer figures it out.

  83. Princess of Zion

    September 11, 2012 at 12:31 am

    Im going to be very blatant and honest! The easiest thing to do would be to walk away with your children and go to America but would that be the right thing? NO!

    When you got married, you made those vows and said for better for worse. In your good days, you stayed and in your bad days, stand strong, stand together. If you leave him, what would become of him? The Father of your children? Every life has its storms and so does every marriage and I can categorically tell you that this is JUST a storm and this too shall pass! Marriage was God’s idea and it is about unity; which the devil so hates and would do everything to harbour division. Take a stand today and declare you will not back down.

    As for the rent, you clearly can not afford it, live within your means. Downsize!
    Your husband sounds like he is currently in a daze, you need to constantly pray for him, interceed on his behalf and continue to love him. Sit him down and explain the current situation and how the family needs all hands on deck. By the sounds of things, he isn’t even looking for a job. Sit down together and spruce up his resume and send it around. He can’t sit down idly, it has been two years. Two of you just decide that he looks for another job and help in this search. You need to be practical but prayerful. Don’t default on paying your tithes and never lose hope in Christ. Keep praying, keep going to Church but live within your means.

    Your husband will snap out of this and when he does, he will thank you for sticking by him. I pray that the Lord calms every storm in your marriage and parts every red sea in Jesus’ Name. Amen.

  84. Omotee

    September 11, 2012 at 2:46 am

    Trying hard not to let the “don’t leave him or another woman will take ur place” comments annoy me so much. If u say don’t leave him cos marriage is a commitment, ehen. As for d reason, who told u he doesn’t have a woman or women pampering his spoilt ass? But I digress, this ain’t no counselling session. My two kobo:

    U need to be sharp. The rules have changed. Don’t enable him, don’t let him spend ur money on foolish things. U have kids that need all d money u make plus more. Don’t pump money into any joint acct. Let him get angry, he’ll get over it. Let no gbese be in ur name pls, let him wear his suits and bear the cost.
    I agree with a back up plan for accommodation but wait until u r kicked out before u move, his type needs drastic things like disgrace to jolt him back to life. He’ll also realise his fellow big boys won’t give or borrow him a dime for rent.
    And pls change schools. That stupid notion that expensive schools mean good education is just crap. Looks like he cant pay a dime for the school anyway so once he cant pay, Get a good n affordable school. I’ve come to realise parents these days choose those schools to fit into some stupid class, their kids education is not even on their mind, all na wash.
    If u r interested in saving the marriage (which is good) don’t leave for the US unless he has seen the light and will come with u with his sanity intact. This way it doesn’t look like u first left the marriage. Plus u have a good job here, don’t leave certainty for uncertainty except u have one big plan.

    Oh yeah, pls pray, u need God. But He also gave u brains ma’am, He definitely wants u to be wise.
    I bet ur kids won’t call u blessed if u don’t help them secure a good future instead u focus on being submissive. And this submission theory, our pastors have a lot of work to do. But I digress.

    And the horse? Pls poison the damn thing or sell it already! Horse??

  85. wide

    September 11, 2012 at 10:22 am

    He caught the disease! Nigerian men and ego,always trying to impress or out do the other,unfortunately he did not know when to use his break.

    Madam save your self and your children first.

  86. DannyK

    September 11, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Please Mrs ”WIFE” if you really like the future of your children and that of you self and marriage. You HAD BETTER SIT YOU ASS DOWN AND THINK!
    Leave your HUSBAND to where??? AMERICA??……America would def not provide solution for you.
    Ask you self these questions bluntly
    1) Am I ready to lose my Husband?
    2)Am I ready for a divorce?
    3)Am i really ready to lose my marriage?

    See, there is no situation you are in right now that you cannot handle. You believe in God right? so why can you not see that these are the trying times………….

    I beg you to start looking for an affordable appartment YOURSELF! …I know these people of nowadays would say ”LEAVE HIM”…..Nnwannem! If kasala burst!! You no go find mouth talk again oh…and these people would not be there to put you marriage together oh.

    Mrs Wife, Please involve you parents……..We the readers are in not even the best people to ask for advise. For all we know, this is a story and we are just learning for the story. Your parents however…..would def give you the best advise…….at least if anything goes WORSE, they were there.

    Na Baba God i really take beg you! DO NOT GO BACK TO America! i am sure going back there is even to a new house…..so please just do that in Nigeria and monitor you Husband.

    BTW! Does he not have any reasonable friends?? camman!

  87. DannyK

    September 11, 2012 at 11:30 am

    On a side note……@Omotee……Has said alot you should key into

    Horse?? Person never chop na horse wan they chop!
    I really wish we knew the kind of Man he is……….it would have been easier for us to point out how to make him SEE the light. Right now, he really can’t see nothing.

  88. Jummy

    September 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    I hope the new credit crads were not in both your names. I would suggest that you take your kids back to the US and re-start your life there…..your husband seems determined to ruin his so leave him to his ways….i pray God saves him from himself

  89. demmy

    September 11, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    Leaving him now is not going to be my best advice for you in as much as i’ll want to say that but for the sake of your kids . I’ll suggest you move to the states with both the kids and your husband.Just pray he’ll listen. Cos over there he’ll have to do lil trying to impress any1 or leaving a fake life sef. besides health wise i think he needs change of environment. Dont leave him at this stage it would only destroy him more.
    I really feel for u. Just take heart and be more praying and also act. If he refuses to go to the states i think u might just have to leave without him but i pray he listens. All the best.

  90. Tunmi

    September 11, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    I agree with those who said your husband needed counseling. He needs counseling on his own, I have no idea what type though I am sorry. And the both of you do need marital counseling. I also agree with the downsizing part. You will have to be strong here for your kids. Move to an inexpensive house or to your parent’s house if you can and have the kids attend an inexpensive school. I would also consider going back to the US only if you can somehow get a place to live and a job. You do have your MBA so things will definitely look up.

    I am not a religious person but if you are, and if prayer helps, go ahead. You will have to do a lot of work with it though. Good luck. Do you have any close friends, any true friends who can help?

  91. honeymix

    September 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    Bellanaija.I felt dis is d only avenue I cud gain ideas.rily right now,am deeply heartbroken.I jst nid advice 4m any1 on wat 2 do now.I av bin datn a guy 4 4yrs of my life now,wen we wer 2yrs 2geda he did cheat on me by proclaimin love 2 anoda lady and abusin me in front of her.it was hard den,buh I stil 4gave him cos I felt I jst cud nt lose him,and now dat we are 4yrs 2geda,he told anoda lady dat he luved her even if she dos nt see dat way.I felt stabbed wif dat statement,buh now I do not even undastd anyfin again at all.he has been beggn all along wif his family and frends,he said he was jst ‘pacifyn her’.my frends av bin like he truly luvs me even if he flirts around.am nt sayn he is slipn around buh am nt even sure of dat now.am I suppose 2 be d FOOL 4givn him even wen he fucks up and hurts rily,I don’t knw.Bella pls advise me on wat 2 do.d big questn I ask mysef is do I want 2 spend d rest of my life wif some1 dat flirts around buh den am like evry guy cheats,wat if d next 1 I date is even worse.pls I jst nid advice 4m pple.

    • Naveah

      September 11, 2012 at 9:20 pm

      Lawd honeymix, I wanna help you but I can’t stand to read through this at all. My goodness, sweetheart…this works on text where only 14 characters are allowed but it is headache inducing to read a long, long paragraph this way. Please, for your sake do not write this way all the time or you might soon forget how to spell words properly or how to construct proper grammar. It can happen…look at how people’s mathematical abilities got affected by the invention of the calculator or people not remembering numbers anymore because they rely on their cellphones so much. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. I’m trying to help, not call you out so please don’t take offense.

  92. Sansarai

    September 11, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Honey, not all men cheat! You need to drop this guy like the bad habit that he is. If a man shows you who he is, you’d better believe him. The guy is dating you but doesn’t miss a chance to profess his love to every Chichi and Temi that comes around and even worse humiliates you in front of them? Chaiiiii! You never see…just wait until marriage and see if his bad behavior doesn’t become compounded. The man does not love you or respect you, simples and I’m not sure why you feel you can’t lose him. You need to pick yourself up and dump his ass! You deserve better.

  93. tbabe

    September 12, 2012 at 10:06 am

    trust in the lord with all your heart and do not lean on ur own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path

  94. Miss Substance

    September 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    @Mrs Wife… I am all for saving and fighting for your marriage.
    I will recommend you move out ASAP, no sentiments, i have seen news of husbands chopping their wives and stuff.
    This new guy your seeing is not the one you fell in love with, he has been possessed. take your children and exit ASAP.
    This man is desperate, the bible says the hear of man is desperately wicked… he can do anything to you and your children. NO SENTIMENTS, its better to be safe and alive, if not for you, think if he does something to you what will happen to your children……. When you move out, please continue praying for him

  95. JASMINE

    September 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    YOUR HUSBAND STILL LOVES YOU AND HIS KIDS. HIS EGO IS MESSED UP, U NEED TO HELP HIM REBUILD IT. I WONT ADVICE U LEAVE HIM AND GO TO THE STATES.LOVE HIM, SUPPORT HIM, PRAY WITH AND FOR HIM, ENCOURAGE HIM,EVERYTHING YOU DO IN THE HOUSE TELL YOUR KIDS DADDY DID IT. WHEN U GET YOUR SALARY, (SAVE SOME, DO ALL IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE FOOD, KIDS NEEDS AND GIVE HIM THE REST, ASK HIM IF YOU CAN PLEASE HAVE SOME AND HAVE HIM GIVE U SOME(OF THE MONEY U GAVE HIM) AND SAY THANK U…LET HIM FEEL LIKE HE IS STILL IN CHARGE. TELL HIM U APPRECIATE HIS EFFORTS, LOOK AT HIS GOOD SIDES. TALK TO HIM SWEETLY AND SOFTLY. HELP HIM APPLY FOR JOBS, HOLD HIS HANDS AND PRAY FOR HIM(THANK GOD FOR GIVING YOU SUCH A WONDERFUL MAN) ETC…ALL THOSE THINGS WOULD HELP BOOST HIS EGO. THEN PLS DONT GET ANOTHER HOUSE BEHIND HIM. DISCUSS IT WITH HIM, IF HE INSISTS ON U STAYING IN THAT HOUSE, ASK HIM HOW U WOULD PAY FOR THE RENT IN A VERY SOFT TONE, HEAR HIM OUT, HE WONT LEAVE HIS FAMILY OUT ON THE STREETS, U JUST MAKE SURE U HAVE A PLAN B…, BUT U NEVA CAN TELL WHAT GOD WOULD DO. U MIGHT NOT NEED TO LEAVE THAT HOUSE. BE THERE FOR HIM IN HIS LOW TIME, WHEN HE GETS OUT OF IT, U WOULD BE HIS MOST VALUED TREASURE. I AM TALKING FROM EXPERIENCE. U JUST TOLD MY EXACT STORY AND MY HUSBAND ACTED EXACTLY THE WAY YOUR HUSBAND IS ACTING NOW. BUT GOD TURNED THINGS AROUND FOR HIM, AND HE GOT A JOB WENT BACK TO BEING THE MAN I MARRIED. HE IS TREATING ME SOO SPECIAL NOW AND KEEPS SAYING THANK YOU TO ME. THINGS CAN AND WOULD WORK, AS FAR AS GOD IS ON THE THRONE. (BUT PLEASE IF HE STARTS ASSAULTING YOU…I AM NOT IN SUPPORT OF THAT OH). GOING BACK TO THE US IS AN OPTION, BUT WOULD BE NICE TO GO AS A FAMILY. A LOT OF PEOPLE ADVISED ME TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND THEN, BUT…I BELIEVED THAT WHEN I MET HIM AND MARRIED HIM, HE WAS A HARDWORKING NOBLE MAN, I KNEW THAT MAN WAS STILL THERE SOMEWHERE IN THIS NEW STRANGER THAT WAS LIVING WITH ME,..AND I KEPT ON TRYING & DOING MY BEST; CRIED MANY NIGHTS, NO MONEY,..BUT STILL BELIEVED AND DID MY BEST, AND GOD HELPED US. DONT GIVE UP JUST YET DEAR. BUT TRY TO MAKE YOUR HUBBY FEEL LIKE A KING EVEN AT THIS HIS LOW POINT. AND ALSO TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY, HOOKUP WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY. GOD MIGHT BE TRYING TO TEACH HIM ONE OR TWO THINGS ON EXTRAVAGANT SPENDING. HANG IN THERE, AND REMIND GOD ALL THE TIME. HUGS

  96. Hhmmm ... Logic!

    September 12, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    I’m reading all these comments and quite frankly if “Mrs Big Spender” has the same thought process & naivety as a lot of people commenting it makes perfect sense how they’ve wound up in this mess. It’s funny because although he racks up the drink bills alone with his “baller” boys and goes to his bachelor exotic trips WITHOUT his Mrs and feeds his indulgences often without her; they are both in this mess. And by trying to play the “good wife” (signing for the house to be sold and allowing for him to continue the false pretense of “balling” etc) is exactly what has ensued towards the hellish pit which is now her reality!

    I do not condone divorce per se and I wouldn’t tell her to completely leave him but it is clear that he puts all his PERSONAL and materialistic desires before the necessity of his children, his wife and his family’s future and doesn’t seem to mind. That is not the spirit, foundation nor essence of marriage at all. His selfishness and delusional has ruined their marriage (but it can be rebuilt). She needs exercise tough love and remove herself and most importantly her children from that environment because guess what? This is where the children are first learning their essential life skills like the meaning of responsibility, how to use money and what to prioritise your money on other values. Do you want you children growing up thinking that living beyond their means is standard/normal behaviour in life? Or that they should always rely on credit to indulge and splurge unnecessarily? Would you want your daughter to be in a situation like this? Or would you be proud of raising such an irresponsible son? Seperate from him for a little while and give your children a chance to avoid any unnecessary trauma and mental scarring that will result in them watching you all be kicked out of your current house and publicly. Find a house that you can afford now & proceed with a move and the same goes with school. Your husband is so selfish and it’s fair to say he doesn’t care about anything other then maintaining his pretense; he doesn’t even seem to care about the repercussions as long as he gets what he needs to feed his ego but guess what? PRIDE COMES BEFORE THE FALL

    These naive people saying “not everybody cheats” etc no not everybody cheats you are right, however; this “baller” lavish lifestyle goes hand in hand with loose women and has been that way since the beginning of time so let’s not be naive about this issue because it comes with that PARTICULAR lifestyle no matter where you are in the world but more so in Africa. Anyway the point is that you should indeed be prudent in regards to your sexual health as well, as many STDs do not have symptoms straight away and could be there for years and years corrupting your body without any type of sign.

    It’s definitely good to pray about your situation but you must remember that this isn’t a movie there’s not going to be a 30 second fast forward to when the situation is magically fixed, so you must use your head and act very fast to salvage everyone including him. You have spoken to him, his parents have spoken to him he wont take heed and it seems he doesn’t need to as you’re there to pick up his mess. but you’re not supporting him by doing so you are enabling help and making him feel like he doesn’t need to take responsibility for his actions. Now you need to act tough for the short term in order to salvage your husband, your children’s future and your married future in the long term. it doesn’t make you a bad wife, it just truly makes you his better half for being able to get yourself and children out of this hellish pit and stretching your hand to him to also help him out.

    Sometimes actions speak louder than words, I pray that God guides towards the right solution for the long term, I pray that your husband acquires the help that he needs and I pray your children do not suffer any subconscious trama during this time xXx

  97. honeymix

    September 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    @Naveah,sorry about that.I’m just used to it and I now think its not helping in any way.u av taught me a lesson already.I even got so used tyo it that it does not even semm wrong any more.I would be using words fully now and not abbrevating it anymore.I hope,you would be able to help me with your advise.thanks.

  98. TT

    September 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Dear Mrs. Wife, my advice is that you should move into a more affordable residence, change your children into affordable school so to help you save enough to do what your husband didn’t do “INVEST” This decision is now yours because you’re the bread winner “FOR NOW” so you don’t retire before you’re tired. My advice is based on what you said about selling off your house had there been more, am sure you might have been nagged to sell it or any other asset you had over there. So nothing to fall on if you decide to live the country today but to start afresh which you can do while here, now is the time to undo what was done in the past because even the world economy now teaches us all to live a little below our means before we can gather enough to call savings. Please pray hard, don’t fight with him and remember that separation isn’t divorce and that you’ve gotta prepare for what the future throws at you but above all, don’t stop expressing your discomfort and speak up when you have to but don’t argue.

  99. oge

    September 13, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I have just one sentence for you. I hope you know its those same people that are begging u to take him back that will also console you when you are married to him and he continues in the same pattern with other women.

  100. NNENNE

    September 14, 2012 at 1:44 am

    @June bug…you got the answer.

  101. Naijababe

    September 15, 2012 at 1:17 am

    @ Naveah

    Great point. I hope Mrs Wife reads your comment.
    My dad is the same way, I even almost felt like I was reading the life story of my parent. Unfortunately, my mother has condoned, tolerated it and allowed my dad to live like this for such a long time that it’s become the norm. My dad goes through the whole mood swings too, and always tells my mom stories and my mom feels bad for him all the time. One thing I know for sure is, I’ve learned a lot watching my dad, and any man with Big spender tendency is a BIG NO for me, I’m even allergic to them. I’ve seen what my mom has gone through and I’ve said I will never put myself in that position ever again.

  102. chykenny

    September 21, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    my sister pls pray from outside not necessarily USA, you can be away from him and still be in Naija,my friend didn’t survive hers cos pple said she should not leave her home even her pastor said so & she yielded, she died at the long run as am telling u this am crying cos i know what she passed thru ,pls leave the house for now , look for a very cheap & conducive environment for u & ur kids for now thank God u re working then u can now pray for him, prayer has no limit, for your kids sake stay away for now & be serious with God he is impossiblility specialist, he will definitely take charge & turn things around for good & in ur favour. Pls stay away thinking alone can kill not to talk of what u see. u re the one putting on the shoe.

  103. Missy

    September 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    let me guess the lavish purchases i.e Jet ski, Boat, Beach house, expensive watches the list goes on sounds like the typical island fake lifestyle they hv all their wealth on dispaly on nothing in their bank a/c they can barely pick up the tab when they go to drink with the boys. Mrs wife of a big splender i think you relocate lagos is a very enabling environment if you husband wants to stay back let him stay. Trust me we wld come back cos he doesnt want his so called friend to know his true finanical status. He knows he can always guilt you into giving money every now and then to keep up the charade

  104. ehijele

    September 25, 2012 at 11:16 am

    wow lots of traffic here, cool blog

  105. Temitope olayinka

    October 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    this is serious,its just apity dat u found yourself in dis situation,PLEASE I BEG U LEAVE HIM & GO,OR ELSE HE WILL RUIN U,AND U`LL BE LEFT EMPTY,DEVASTATED,ANGRY & DESPIRATE.

  106. oluwaseun

    October 29, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    This is indeed a dicey sitution, but leaving ur husband isn’t a good idea though cos that’ll definitely av a bad effect on ur children as well.Just trust God

  107. Temi

    November 15, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    This sounds like a really difficult situation and my immediate response was, leave him…for your sanity and your children. However on reflection I think that maybe another angle might be worth trying. You mentioned that in America your husband was different he lived within his means, so why not suggest that the whole family move back to America. Living within your means in Nigeria mean him losing face as it shows his friends and peers that he has failed in his eyes and he is desperately trying to keep up the facade. The whole family moving back means that you can down size while you get the family back on tract. Present it to him in a way that allows him to feel like he is in charge for example let him set the time period that you stay in America. Help him to feel empowered again and together with prayer I think he will come around. He is not a bad person, circumstances and environment has created the man you are now dealing with so change the environment and maybe you will get the husband you could once rely on back. Best of luck!

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