Connect with us

Career

Frances Okoro: I’m Not Looking For A Boyfriend! I Just Want To Talk About Business

Published

 on

I was only mildly disturbed the first time it happened. But then it happened again and again, enough for me to pick up my pen/phone to write an epistle to the male folks that tend to commit this terrible act. I remember the first time it happened to me.

I had heard a certain man speak at a business seminar and he gave us his number to inquire about the business module he spoke to us about. I was thinking about starting up the business and so I called him to ask him some questions and he was really helpful. He answered my questions and actually reached back when I had more questions.

He directed me to his office and we met and talked about business. He promised to reach me back later, after he had gotten more information on what I inquired about.

I saw his text in the evening and was excited that he had the information he promised to reach me back with so soon, only for me to open the text message and I saw “I can’t get you out of my head, I keep thinking about you”
I was shocked.

I thought about how to reply him since he had called and I didn’t pick up and I came up with “oh thank you sir, you are thinking about the business right? I am very grateful”
I never heard from him again for a long time after that incident.

I also remember having a business conversation with someone I had met in Church. He also had a business he ran as a corper in my PPA State and I thought that I could glean some wisdom from him. We spoke for a while and he was actually answering my questions until he decided to get personal and asked the “are you single?” question. I didn’t answer but continued with our business gist.

Needless to say, he never replied my messages after that.

These are just two of my personal experiences out of a host of others.
I have wondered about this peculiar situation and I think these experiences actually call for the necessity of two main questions:
(1) Is it that men do not know how to gauge the best time to “toast” a lady anymore?
I mean, should you “toast” everyone you see?
Aren’t there ways to gauge the mood, to know if the girl is game or not? Isn’t there a way for guys to know these things?

(2) An even more serious question which my experiences relayed above poses is why can’t men allow a woman to just have business deals the way men do?

Must you woo every woman who simply just wants you to help her with some business answers?
I mean, men aren’t wooed when they go out for work or business are they?
What do we have to do for us to be treated the same way men are treated in the workplace?
Why must a simple smile from a lady be misrepresented?

I am aware that people do meet their better halves from business meetings / in the work place but that’s not the case for each and every person. Some ladies just simply want to make a headway in their business/career.

Can our men please just lay aside the need to woo every woman who comes their way and simply fix their eyes on business?
If you indeed dig her, or God just used business to bring you both together for a marital relationship, shouldn’t there be a better way to approach her? In a way that she wouldn’t feel like you just want to woo her just because she is a lady interested in business deals?

It’s worrying and troubling that a lady cannot just feel free to have business relations with men without the fear of them sending messages of “I have been thinking about you all day” Even the married men are not excluded from this (don’t get me started on my experience on that issue)

I’m just saying: please sirs, there are ladies who just want to make deals on business and they aren’t looking for boyfriends…or at least aren’t looking for boyfriends in that business meeting we are having with you.

It would do us a whole lot of good if you will gauge the mood before you approach. Have some “toasting etiquette” even in the workplace. Look very well before you come in with all the feelings and emotions. Give us a chance to excel in our career/business world without the issue of fending advances off.

No, we aren’t giving you green light with our smiles, we are just being courteous just like our male counterparts will be in a business meeting.Please help us Sirs, please help us to move ahead in our businesses and careers.

Thank you so much for your anticipated co-operation.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Bevan Goldswain

Hephzibah Frances is a child of God, VOICE and Scribe for the Lord and a delight to her Father's heart. She is a Lawyer, author, Christian Blogger and social entrepreneur called to the nations. She is the founder of two women ministries, The Women At The Well and The Deborah Generation Christian women ministries called to the Nations of the world but operates from their base in Lagos, Nigeria. She is also the founder of Awakening Youthful Seeds For Christ Initiative a Non-Governmental Organisation focused on raising purposeful youths. She runs a business to help authors and aspiring authors BIRTH THEIR BOOK DREAMS at Beautiful Feet Publishing - Email: [email protected] for help with publishing and marketing your book(s). She is currently the author of twelve books including the best-selling book PRAYERS FOR YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND. *** KEEP IN TOUCH: Email her at [email protected] Follow Her On Social Media: On Facebook: HephzibahFrances On twitter @Hephzibahfran/ On instagram @hephzibahfrances Watch her videos on her YouTube Channel at - Hephzibah Frances Visit her website at www.hephzibahfrances.com Download FREE eBooks from her on here

51 Comments

  1. Pam

    May 19, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    Well said Frances….

  2. Takeseveralseats

    May 19, 2015 at 4:27 pm

    Tell Me about it!! Was introduced to a prospective client and we were supposed to go for a site inspection on Sunday. Hooked up with him and we decided to take his car to the site. On our way back, ogbeni decided to branch by a joint “for us to relax and get to know each other better”
    My eyes changed one time!! He apologized profusely and i don’t need to tell you guys that transaction is DEAD!! I cant have any respect for the idiot again! Mad Oloshi (pardon my french)

    • Frances Okoro

      May 19, 2015 at 5:53 pm

      I feel your wrath takeseveralseats, that’s one thing most guys don’t realize or rather they don’t care about – the loss of respect…*sigh*

  3. typical

    May 19, 2015 at 4:29 pm

    Good write up. Such an important subject and one I’ve been through many times. What these men don’t realise is for the woman who are serious, they are seriously wasting our time. Imagine getting yourself to a meeting, doing homework, and following up with calls and emails just for the next meeting they tell you they want you to be their girlfriend and when you decline whether you have a boyfriend or not they loose all communication with you. Very unfair and its because they don’t take us serious period.

    So they cant recognise the serious woman because there are of course the woman who use these situations to their advantage. The problem with that is if you’re not committed to that you will face problems later, and loose alot more when you have put so much into getting ahead just to be left alone because you won’t put out to their advances once they are ready to collect.

    Men please do better, think of all the good that can come to you by helping out a fellow human being. The same way another man can thank you for getting them further a woman can do the same. I promise you we are generally not flattered but instead frustrated when you make unwanted advanced in these situations. If God uses you to bless another, do just that.

    • Frances Okoro

      May 19, 2015 at 5:51 pm

      Hopefully our men will heed to your words too Typical…

  4. iyke

    May 19, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    Guilty as charged!Made that mistake years back.Now I know better.
    I always tell guys,except the babe smiles back at your devilish smile,then she’s not game.Keep it formal…No text,no phone call…it’s all in the eyes.
    Otherwise you end up asking every lady who smiles at you out!

    • Frances Okoro

      May 19, 2015 at 5:49 pm

      Thank you Iyke, i’m glad to see the men being so honest with this.
      My question is “must the devilish smile be there”?
      Can’t men relate with these business women with a pure mind? Atleast until it doesn’t seem like you want to take advantage of the fact that she wants to do business with you
      We are still hoping for such a time as that…

    • olu

      May 19, 2015 at 7:07 pm

      Some successful marriages started that way …even though the guy may have initially wanted to chop and go 🙂

  5. kaycee

    May 19, 2015 at 4:43 pm

    Tbh I have been a culprit of this particular act. This particular lady wasn’t just classy, she was refined and outright intelligent. My interest her is as result of the dexterity and Interest she showed in the business, as it is a predominant male profession. I am particularly attracted to ladies that posses some sort of non thuggy cookie lion’s business acumen. Although I succeeded in initiating some sort of non business relationship with the lady, it is important to note that I did it in a subverted and sublime manner. I marvelled her with my prowess and understanding of the business, which drew her in more, thereby making her unaware of my back drop motive, as I certainly know that like minds will certainly attract each other. Through constant mentorship, she began to see me as an Idol and then it became easy to win her over. Most ladies that come for business related guidance, are way too attractive for man, I don’t excuse this behaviour of male folks, I will suggest we don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. To err is human and to forgive is divine. Apologies.

    • tee A

      May 19, 2015 at 5:21 pm

      Erm.. Oga Kaycee, this gist never finish now. *adjusting amebo halo* What now happened after winning her over? did the relationship work out? did she live up to your expectations (from your description). Abeg no dey give half gist joor!

    • Duchess Maria

      May 19, 2015 at 7:02 pm

      As inn, my amebo antenna is high o. Although he said “he succeeded in some sort of non-business relationship” so many hin just smash and pass. Oya Kaycee come and confirm.

    • kaycee

      May 19, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      Relationship happened, and the connection was off the chain, as I discovered she and I had more in common (travelling, sporty and 69). But the lady and I later broke it off due to some irreconcilable differences. She still contacts me for mentorship, but not with the gusto she and I started with. In her, I lost a great business patnership, as she refused my offer for merger, which could have happened if I kept it strictly business. I missed out on a bigger deal, all in the name of Alpha madigoism and the quest to conquer that which I find interesting. The whole quagmire taught me some great business lesson, any lady that walks up to my office, I try to ensure that I don’t treat her no more than I treat a fellow man, even if u fine pass mami water. Although it has not been easy, it certainly more work effective.

    • Eniola/ Ms Catwalq

      May 19, 2015 at 5:32 pm

      ????????? What? *blinking*

    • Frances Okoro

      May 19, 2015 at 5:44 pm

      Ok Kaycee, your “apologies” at the end of your comment made me smile.
      Thank you for apologizing on behalf of the male folks.
      Thank you.
      Pls refer them to this post

    • D

      May 19, 2015 at 5:49 pm

      Ok i was reading your comment and had this smile on my face, as in your craftiness but then i read “most women that come for business ideas are way too attractive” and i was like screech… stop!!! What makes women hoping to improve and better themselves “attractive” is it the drive or is it something else??? The truth is in my experience many men (thankful not my husband) I’ve told me I might want to tone it down a bit. I am not one of those girl’s girl’s run the world ladies but I am very driven and have very little tolerance for people that are not.

    • Meena

      May 19, 2015 at 6:05 pm

      Oya Lady D, sell eet!! Sell that market sharp sharp.

    • Thatgidigirl

      May 19, 2015 at 10:45 pm

      Moral lesson kaycee, don’t screw the pay cheque, don’t eat where you shit…..and yes i came back for the concluding part of you story (amebo inc.) 🙂

  6. SuperNova

    May 19, 2015 at 5:49 pm

    Not to forget those we approach for job opportunities too. The country is hard enough as it is, please just help a sister out. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. No need to lose our contacts because we’ve refused to date you na. Maka why.

    • Thatgidigirl

      May 19, 2015 at 8:01 pm

      LMAO @ the country is hard enough as it is. My dear!!!! As we speak, i’m torn between preparing a splendid presentation or just wearing a wrap skirt that would part and show my legs when i sit, for tomorrow’s meeting. The oloshi guy has already started hitting me up on whatsapp with the stupid “how was your night” kweshon. I already suspect that the quality of my presentation wouldn’t matter tomorrow 🙁

  7. lara

    May 19, 2015 at 5:50 pm

    Men shouldnt approach girls in church, on the road, in the club (cuz I aint no club girl), when I am with my girls or at work. Take away all of these and what do you get? Nothing! We come up with all these rules and regulations that put men off trying when what we really mean is that, I am just not into YOU like that (or at least not yet). Why is that so hard to express? Instead, we make it seem like they have contaminated us or brought down our level a notch for asking.

    We need to create a safe environment for people to be able to express their feelings respectfully. As long a man does not approach you in a disrespectful manner, then there is no harm in respectfully declining firmly.

    Walking up to a girl is hard work, if you disagree, try approaching your a crush next time and tell him how you really feel. The fact that these men you spoke of never spoke to you (for business or casual reasons) makes me wonderif you put much thought and effort into ensuring you delivered your no in a sensitive manner.

    I wont pretend to be an expert in men. In my limited experience of men, (and trust me I am working with a small pool of hubby, brother, cousin, frns and a few admirers) in most cases, when they are faced with rejection (whether real or perceived), they make a decision never to be a victim of that particular scenario again. Most times, they dont address that issue (for a very long time or for ever). If you think I am wrong, ask them men in your life how they felt when they felt they were harshly rejected. Many, previously gentlemen have become tyrant because of our lack of consideration of how we dealt with them. Lets not be the reason, anyone decide not to do something good again, just cause we dont want it.

    Thank you

    • D

      May 19, 2015 at 6:05 pm

      @ Lara i do get your point but i get the author’s point as well, the truth is harshly or not, yawa is yawa and no one likes it. Short of stringing guys on I am yet to see a way to “gently” put someone down. You are putting them down and that is painful and many men shut down after that. And Nigerian men are particularly guilty of this, when you smile they see it as a sign that you find them attractive. I have been asked so why did you smile at me? like my smile translated to a language that i am unaware of that says hey i am interested…I smile because it is the right thing to do. At the same time i have also cautioned ladies about how some of us go about embarrassing a guy because he is “toasting” you. And yes that question “Are you single?” grates on my nerves. Well, if you took the time to get to know me better sooner or later you would know the answer yourself because it will come up. I will politely put you in your place, but like said it is still yawa but i also detest ladies stringing guys along because they don’t want dude to be disappointed.

    • Lara

      May 19, 2015 at 11:32 pm

      The aim is to try the nice approach first. Like I said, unless they are being disrespectful towards you, you owe them that much to treat them with respect. Being a lady doesnt mean being brutal. Class does not mean trashing others. If you are a beautiful as well as smart, ppl will be attracted to that.

      The first company I worked for, 85% of the naija men (single and married) were on my case for honourable and not so honourable reasons. For some of them I had to switch to a tougher approach for them to get used to the idea and when they did we moved to being frns. These same ppl helped me build my network/ interviews/ CVs etc. I owe the rapid growth of my career partly due to their input. Yes- their original motivation might be suspect but when they couldnt get what they want, they settled for what they could get, my friendship. If the examples are representative of how the writer treats men that approaches her, then it is safe to say that there must be something wrong in that approach. If all / majority of the men you say no to, refuses to talk to you anymore, then something is amiss. And guess what,it will hurt you more in business than help you suceed. Becuz no matter where you go in the world/ how far you climb, you will have to deal with unwanted advances. And how you deal with them might impact your success.

    • Jalord

      May 19, 2015 at 7:04 pm

      You are very sensible! Nice observation and understanding! Women don’t like rejection as it kills confidence But in most cases they are very harsh to suitors lol…I admire mature girls

    • olu

      May 19, 2015 at 7:12 pm

      Oro ni yen o….God bless you oooo

      You ladies put up all these walls around you and then complain the men are not stepping up! You claim men are intimidated by your type ..they try to talk to you again and you are here saying it’s purely business!
      Calm down dem hormones ladies……dang!

    • Strit Kredibility

      May 19, 2015 at 7:50 pm

      @Lara wagbayi… chop knuckle, you spoke my mind.
      All these smur smur girls of nawadays feeling like wetin-i-no-know. Every little thing they rush to print and write fancy sentences just so to give themselves some levels. Only 2 instances pere and you think all men have been scoping and gbenshing all their female business acquaintances all year, every year. Look, there is no time allotted to toasting a woman, anytime any day toasting can be carried out successfully or with a slap attached, it doesn’t matter. What one girl is not thinking about is not what another may not consider in the course of whatever interaction. In the business of wooing, which is riddled with risk and near misses, it could be counter productive waiting for the ideal settings which may fluctuate or never arise, due to ‘market forces’, so table your interest alongside other interests sharply. After all some of you run after businesses even at odd times, hoping for the best. Like @lara pointed out, so long as the man is courteous enough and goes about it the right way, no problem. Makojami olugbala ki n se orin akunle so… Do no pass me by Lord is not for mouth, is by doings.

    • cindy

      May 19, 2015 at 8:51 pm

      You totally missed the point of the writer. You and all your upvoters. There’s a way to approach a lady in a business environment without making it seem like it’s my help for relationship/sex. All or nothing. We are the same people that blame women for using their bodies to get to the top. Now someone wants to use their brain, you are still complaining. See how the guys in the writer’s examples bailed on her when they didn’t get the response they wanted. If your are really serious about hitting on a woman, there’s a time for it. Why not wait till the business plan is done and concluded, then you can take it from there. If the lady turns you down, take it in good faith that it wasn’t meant to be. If you feel like she used you, then you were not helping her in the first place because when you really help someone from the bottom of your heart, you shouldn’t expect anything in return. You shouldn’t feel hurt except the lady was obviously flirting with you (I don’t mean smiling o). Let us just learn to help one another with no strings attached. The world would be such a better place.

    • Seyi

      May 20, 2015 at 1:30 am

      @Lara, oh my Good God, a thousand likes on your comment is not enough. Your wisdom speaks huge volumes about your maturity and personality. I have to say your husband is a terribly lucky son of his mother. Lol I must marry a woman like you. Damn your children are blessed. With respect to the article, in solid agreement with you, I do find several disturbing contradictions with the premise of the author. The very first question I would like to ask her is, “how and where do you wanna be approached?” Because she’s conveniently skitted around that. Frances seem to have forgetten that noone is a mind reader. Jesus even the innocent smile can’t be trusted. But People have always used conversations as a thermometer to guage attraction to the opposite sex, the subject matter notwithstanding. Noone likes rejection. And so why does approach from the opposite sex always have to be demeaning, notwithstanding the location? Honestly no disrepect intended, but this brand of feminism is worrisome. She seems to be looking for the perfect setting for everything. A cynical part of me wishes she’d throw out those “handsome prince riding on the horse” fantasy novels out through the window. But hey!, headsup honey, life is messy and doesn’t follow a rule book! Imagine telling this to typical socially akward african women who believe making the first move is unladylike, this will totally put a crimp in their subtle efforts to attract romantic interests. If it were truly a business transation as you say, show him in detail how he will gain fianicially, that way you make it clear, you are not looking for handouts. Most ladies are always ‘forming super crafty” and be looking for angels that they themselves cannot be if put in the same situation. Tables turned they wouldn’t give 10k to a friend in need, but looking for guys who can fork up 150k for charity sake, interest definely not expected!. To ask or woo a lady shouldn’t be a mortal sin. It is within your perogative to refuse or accept in a way that shows you are a classy lady. Men and women have always had problems in communication since the time of Adam and eve, let’s not complicate things unnecessarily. In conclusion my last question to the author would be, “Have you ever been in love?” If yes tell us how he wooed you. So we guys can learn the best way you think we should go about in wooing a woman. Well in all, good writeup keep it up!

    • Frances Okoro

      May 20, 2015 at 9:34 am

      Thanks for commenting Seyi, I can assure you though that I have no “prince in shinning armor ideas and I didn’t ask any of them for money. Basically just information since they were in the business already.

      Thanks for your words

    • tunmi

      May 20, 2015 at 3:03 pm

      “And so why does approach from the opposite sex always have to be demeaning, notwithstanding the location?”
      I so agree with you. Why can some men just not understand that work is work. I get that you are attracted to me, but let’s discuss that after work not during. Let’s “spend some time together” after this contract is concluded not during. Imagine discussing models of a particular cohort and deriving an acceptable premium and the next words are “are you single?” It is demeaning na.

      “Honestly no disrepect intended, but this brand of feminism is worrisome”
      See this is why we should all be feminists. If the guy was a feminist, he would see this business opportunity as just that. She would be an equal in his eyes. Yes he would like to smash or marry her but first things first, respect her as a business partner. You met her as that so respect her as that.

      “She seems to be looking for the perfect setting for everything. A cynical part of me wishes she’d throw out those “handsome prince riding on the horse” fantasy novels out through the window.”
      No she’s not. Y’know, a part of me wishes some Nigerian men would grow out of this assumption that all women are for them, that they are entitled to women “notwithstanding location”. I mean, just grow out of it already. Throw those movie scenes ideals “out through the window”. And to the woman is may think her making the first move is unladylike, she will still like to get back to business and making her money despite the flattery. And she will be insulted when (not if) she refuses the man’s advances and he suddenly cuts off all contact.

      “If it were truly a business transation as you say, show him in detail how he will gain fianicially, that way you make it clear, you are not looking for handouts.”
      Bros….she did. But “truly a business transaction” you say. So we’re doubting her now? Weh-heellll

      “Most ladies are always ‘forming super crafty” and be looking for angels that they themselves cannot be if put in the same situation. Tables turned they wouldn’t give 10k to a friend in need, but looking for guys who can fork up 150k for charity sake, interest definely not expected!.”
      Woah….that sounds like some personal issues there buddy.

      “To ask or woo a lady shouldn’t be a mortal sin. It is within your perogative to refuse or accept in a way that shows you are a classy lady.”
      I agree. It should not be a mortal sin. And it’s my prerogative (a la Bobby Brown) to refuse and accept—and it doesn’t have to show I am classy. What about the man sef? It doesn’t have to show he is a classy someborri? There is time and place. If the purpose is business, conduct the business in a respectable manner so that you MAY in indulged in your REQUEST for a date. That doesn’t mean you will get it.

    • tunmi

      May 20, 2015 at 2:51 pm

      “ We come up with all these rules and regulations that put men off trying when what we really mean is that, I am just not into YOU like that (or at least not yet). Why is that so hard to express? Instead, we make it seem like they have contaminated us or brought down our level a notch for asking.”
      But she did express that. Nowhere in this article does the writer disrespect the man. No, the men disrespected her by bringing dating into a professional environment. Haba na. Yes we need to create a safe environment, not just for the men but also for the women. A professional environment where the guy automatically has the higher hand because he IS a guy is not the safe environment to ask for a date. And she did respectfully declined. She brought back the focus of the conversation to work.

      “Walking up to a girl is hard work, if you disagree, try approaching your a crush next time and tell him how you really feel. The fact that these men you spoke of never spoke to you (for business or casual reasons) makes me wonderif you put much thought and effort into ensuring you delivered your no in a sensitive manner.”
      So the burden is on HER to ensure she delivers her no in a sensitive manner? I am nowhere as nice as she is so GTFO. The burden is on them to understand that this is a professional environment. You do not bring your desire to date or smash until the business is concluded. This is not a movie, that ish is not romantic. It is uncomfortable, awkward and disrespectful.

      “I wont pretend to be an expert in men. In my limited experience of men, (and trust me I am working with a small pool of hubby, brother, cousin, frns and a few admirers) in most cases, when they are faced with rejection (whether real or perceived), they make a decision never to be a victim of that particular scenario again. Most times, they dont address that issue (for a very long time or for ever). If you think I am wrong, ask them men in your life how they felt when they felt they were harshly rejected. Many, previously gentlemen have become tyrant because of our lack of consideration of how we dealt with them. Lets not be the reason, anyone decide not to do something good again, just cause we dont want it.”
      When PEOPLE are faced with rejection, PEOPLE may very well choose to shut down. That is not exclusive to men so WHY are we (WOMEN) pandering to men’s ego. The guy above clearly learned his lesson. Bros, @kaycee “The whole quagmire taught me some great business lesson, any lady that walks up to my office, I try to ensure that I don’t treat her no more than I treat a fellow man, even if u fine pass mami water. Although it has not been easy, it certainly more work effective.”

      Did you just say “our lack of consideration” mogbe!!! Na woman talk so???? One, that lack of consideration is again NOT EXCLUSIVE TO MEN!!! That is a sign of immaturity no matter the gender or genderless. And many men become “tyrant’ (omg lol) for so many reasons: daddy issues (see the idiot who lambasted his wife and married his watches), mommy issues, unresolved bullying, abuse as a kid, abuse as an adult and bebelo.
      I do apologize for saying GTFO, please come back and have several seats \________

    • Seyi

      May 21, 2015 at 12:48 am

      @ Tunmi, I would have wholeheartedly agreed with you on all points except for one fact, We HUMANS ARE FLAWED!. You can’t go about and through life expecting perfection alone from each and every life scenario, every single time. You may say, “Oh this is way things are and ought to be done, any other thing that breaks the mould is just unacceptable!. If that were true every single time, I dare say out aloud that man would be in the stone age. Let me rewind your attention to what our dear Frances wrote about, it must be noted that each of those mentioned “morbid encounters” (forgive my exaggerations LOL) didn’t happen in a typical workplace environment of “I’ve got my desk, you’ve got your cubicle” scenario. These were just your typical ‘run of the mill’ encounters between two persons that started with the subject matter of..wait for it..a business advice! People throughout the ages have started conversations on less. These didn’t happen during the signing of a business contract, or corporate discussions of joint mergers or takeovers. If they did and that happened, then a questionable eyebrow of “Are you just looking to use and get me into bed just because of the business? Is appropriate! This is Just an average discussion of a subject matter inked intially towards business. Because something started with ‘A’ doesn’t mean it can’t run, meander and follow Murphy’s law and the laws of nature and end in ‘Z’! Tunmi no disrespect honey, but I’d wish you’d just be a little open minded about this subject matter. Things don’t always happen the way we expect. As the maxim say, “Shit happens!”. In addition pardon me but I hate to be in your face and say that your braggadocio of “he’s offended or demeaned me as a woman for daring to ask me out in supposedly work environment, so therefore I don’t and won’t care about my approach to a refusal’ isn’t a virtue. Your approach wouldn’t matter only if you were an island. Last I heard, “No man (or woman) is an island. Even your ‘worst enemies’ today can turn around some of the bestest people you can get along with. People change, sometimes go on to surprise us! We all can’t see beyond our tiny noses even a week into the future. So treat people with grace, it is not for them, it’s for yourself. At least consider Not everybody is probably as enlightened as you are. You can be the beacon of light to show them “the way”. Just Remember sha that all humans are “prideful”, egostical people who on a normally day don’t like criticisms and that includes you! So allow wisdom to guide you. In conclusion, be flexible with your outlook, nothing in life is set in stone, lest of all human relationships!

  8. Anonymous

    May 19, 2015 at 6:51 pm

    Needless to say, he never replied my messages after that.

  9. paparazi

    May 19, 2015 at 7:43 pm

    True but THINK LIKE A MAN, again not all guy with this impression, i had become victim of being over helpful, These ladies they just want to do 20% and expect you do 80% and then disappears, while you are discussing this and some other ladies telling their own tales/STATISTICS CHECK. do you know how many ladies that have used that, “expected the smiles from the guy and walah thru the guy the business is 100% done and lady disappeared into thin air, look at this from another angle. Male side of it, Believe me in most cases No guy helps a guy with anything business for free if not that the percentage sharing-proceeds from the business is taking care of and he gets the bigger share from it , SORRY you may be a brilliant person ready to do 50/50 effort…

    @frances NEXT TIME MAKE HIM AN OFFER- tell him that the business is 50/50 and later send him a polite text that you will give him 10 percent from your money to get the finest girl in town to his bed but not you…if he then says if its not you he wont, then forget it he’s a useless man. some guy’s do that when they see you are not that type, that you mean business then they help,
    most men suffer a variant of this not surely from women but fellow men, and at the end make it, men have slept under the bridge and are somebody today (many sordid stories)

    if you are ready for business-THINK LIKE A MAN, personally i believe if it was mutually benefiting am sure that guy wont lose your contact.

  10. Mobolaji

    May 19, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    My dear Frances!
    You always talk true matters without using corner corner! It makes me happy that the men here are being honest and not taking it in a bad way. Most times, we just simply want to do business and move forward in life! Not everyone is interested in personal talk. We all just need to learn professionalism…simple.

  11. Tosin

    May 19, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    On the bright side, it means you’re soooo likeable 🙂
    Thanks for writing this. I never quite know how to say gee wow, I’m flattered and you’re wonderful but was really just working…

  12. Nedu

    May 19, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    I have experience certain variants of this. In some cases, i don’t bring myself to ask and in other cases, i did and was turned down. However, what i have never done is to bail when the No is said. I believe there are two sides to this. I agree with the author when she says ‘Know when is the right time to play to emotion card and getting to know her better. A lot of people just transit straight up from Buziness to pleasure. E no dey too work like that nah.

    Please deliver what you are asked of. If na advise, please give as much as you will normally give. Since the person has come for person assistance, please play the friendship card first and foremost before jumping over the other side. it makes it easier if you ask me and you are able to separate business from pleasure. It also ensure you don’t burn the bridge and at least have some level of respect intact.

    Unless you jam better runs woman, e no make sense to just transmit from biz to knowing her better……..u will just end up knowing her less.

    Just be able to separate the two biko.

    • Tosin

      May 21, 2015 at 1:42 pm

      knowing her less – true words.
      the true situation too (sadly) is that many are not looking for friendship. some people don’t even know that a female can be their friend. they are looking to for the Biblical ‘knowing’

  13. CEO

    May 19, 2015 at 11:14 pm

    Unfortunately, being unprofessional is a widespread issue in Nigeria. A business contact will ignore your messages to meet up for business but will ask you to come and “hang out” in a hotel with them. God forbid if you are married/engaged/or in a relationship, they will toss your call card.

    We live in an environment where men in the workplace will tell their female coworkers that they look “hot” and “sexy”. (Although some women don’t help because they will be giggling). Honestly, I wonder what the purpose of HR departments in Nigeria are? Major sexual harassment!!!

    Also, the average Nigerian man has no self control in this area and is ready to toast any lady, attractive or unattractive at the drop of a hat. Any woman that passes, they must look and they must say something no matter how lame or shabby. Nigerian men get over it! You MUST not talk to every woman that walks past you. Just stop it, you have no self respect.

  14. fleur

    May 19, 2015 at 11:37 pm

    Frances, thank you for sharing. Back when I was starting out in life and looking for NYSC posting I saw red. First, I had all the ingredients to be a Nigerian male’s bullseye. I am “yellow”. I had wide hips. I was very tall. I was lanky. Wetin remain. People say I was very pretty. I was a recipe for unsolicited attention. It started in an oil company in Warri. One Uncle T (that was his name but not a real uncle but a friend’s inlaw) told me to just say yes to whatever he tells his French boss – Giles. you see, I had asked Uncle T through his niece to help me secure a position with his oil company. I went into the office and the french man stands up and walks up to me. He walks around me asking Uncle T my name. Uncle T tells him then he does a 360 around me and stops in front of me. He says “You have a bikini?” First, my parents would have killed me in a bikini back then. Hell no. But remember Uncle T said to say yes. So I said yes. Then he asked me if it looked nice. I said yes, feeling like a slab of meat and utterly humiliated. I was ashamed. Finally, he asked if I could come to the pool on Saturday with my bikini. Again, I said yes. Then he walked back to his desk and picked up a radio equipment and radioed a contractor in one of their field operations. The white man at the other end questioned my qualifications. He told him to just find something good for me to do, and to do it for him. End of story. I was on my way to a swamp location with a choice posting – big pay. He gave me his number and extension and asked me to call on Friday evening so that he could send his driver. Uncle T ushered me out. Outside his office, I asked Uncle T what will happen if I dont show because I was not going to show on Friday night.. Uncle T’s response was “he has too many prostitutes to play with, you think he remember you over beer and women on friday? He said just go and start your posting. True to Uncle T’s words, I did not call him and he never called the crew to ask for me. I had escaped. Then I came to Warri one day about 2-3 months into my field work to visit fellow corpers. I ran into an oil man I knew in party circles in my uni days in the south – just people you run into at a party. Nothing between us besides we knew our faces and names. And no, I never dated anyone in his circle. So I had a holy image.. He asked to visit his office the next day. I went and he mentioned that they were opening a new department and that any youth corpers who were selected to work there would be guaranteed permanent employment. I said yes of course, thanking God for mercies. He took me to introduce the new manager of that division. a fine young mid-forties yoruba man that just arrived from cross-posting. He introduced me to the manager as someone he would highly recommend. The manager simply asked me what day I would start. I asked to complete my current field stay, which was slated to end after 2 weeks. Then, as we were leaving, I remembered I needed accommodation. So I asked my friend from heaven (or so I thought) to take me to the corpers lodge so I could ask the corpers there if I could stay with them for a while. He asked me why I would reduce myself to sharing space with them. I thought that was awkward. So I reminded him that in the hostel, we all shared rooms. He said to me that he had already kept his boysquarters for me and that he would not come to see me when other corpers were there. Eziokwu???! I asked him why he could not come to visit when others were present. He asked me not to be naive. The man was interested only in gbenching me. I asked about his wife – I knew he was married. He asked me what about her and what has she got to do with staying in his BQ. So there, I was going to run away from the new offer that would lead to permanent employment. A job Nigerian dreams are made of. That is exactly what I did. Sex was not my cocaine and neither was a powerful man between my sheets in exchange for my soul. None of the youth corpers close to me believed my decision. One even went to this dude and offered to take my place. He did not give it to her. I dont know why – she was a slab of meat waiting to be roasted. I have many more stories and I will write a book one day. Nigeria is one place where it is a curse to be pretty, light skinned and female if you prefer to work with your brain and not your female apparatus. I speak only for yellow babes. I know the darkskinned ones are having their own wahala. For me, I was like a bullseye. Oh, I wanted to hide all the time. You could see them slobbering after you. They would even take bets on who would succeed. No work ethics. No thought for how they would feel if I was their sister. And I hear it’s worse now. thank God I live in a country where they dont give a fly fcuk about my face. they want to know how the hell I am going to change the status quo and bring them more money. Bottomline baby. I am faceless and I love it. when I have face, its because I am representing my office, not satisfying a predator’s fantasy. Okay. I have purged myself. Now I can rest my fingers.

    • tunmi

      May 20, 2015 at 2:41 pm

      oh you must write that book. Ehn….chale!!! Naija women have suffered

    • Tosin

      May 21, 2015 at 1:39 pm

      this story is priceless. Uncle T tried for you. That’s how to use the power of being fetishized, loool. Awon alajeju (greedy pigs)
      The BQ guy tried his own luck too. He must have been ugly or something, otherwise you would kukuma have collected the gift then ignored him later – not like there was any contract signed, right?

    • Tobi

      June 3, 2015 at 3:49 pm

      Tosin, you’re funny. Hahaha’ kukuma’

  15. Lara

    May 19, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    I read somewhere that one of the biggest barrier women have with men is that they expect them to know things instinctively. For a guy you are crushing on to be able to read the signs and for those you don’t like to be able to just like that. Guess what, the best way to communicate to anyone esp. men is to tell them. There is no need to get complex with it. If the men in your mind, brother, dad, frns, boyfriend cant read between the lines, then how likely is it that a total stranger to.
    To answer the second question, the reason it seems like a problem common to men only is that women deal with their attraction to men a little differently. What we do tend to do instead (in most cases) is go home, call our girls / diaries and talk about that super hawtie when just had a meeting with and gossip and plan a future with him. Or and find opportunities to bump into him.
    Like I said earlier, the problem with the examples given here is mainly due to the fact that the writer is not interested, if she was there will be a bellanaija “how we met story” that everyone will be oohhhing and ahhing over. Lets get practical ppl, not every attraction is reciprocated.

    • Frances Okoro

      May 20, 2015 at 9:28 am

      Oh Lara, i’ve gone through your thread, thank you so much for your comments, I gleaned wisdom on how to act in the corporate world.thank you.

      But I must say that you are wrong in your assumptions about me and with what went down, not everything is in this article.
      The first man did reach me after a while but I just was put off.
      I was never rude to any of them, I simply side stepped the personal questions as best I could cuz I didn’t want to be harsh with them.

      The issue is not so much asto whether I am attracted to themor not but more of can we relate business wise without the toasting even if I amagirl?
      I did say in the article that real relationships may come out from such but wisdom is profitable to direct.
      Not every woman goesinto a meeting thinking that sheilmeet “the one” that day and evenifhe is the one, he could lose herif hedoesnt use wisdom in that instance.
      Hopefully, you can read through the article again and get my point

    • lara

      May 20, 2015 at 11:53 am

      Hi Frances
      I am sorry if I being overly harsh. I was basing my purely on the narrative.
      About sidestepping the issue, no need to leave room for ambiguity. You need to be assertive (not aggressive) when you tell him that you appreciate his professional help and support and that all you want from him is a professional relationship. I wasn’t implying that you were rude, just requesting that you reassess what was said/ how you said it. Someone once said to me that more care should be taken to break up/ reject an advance than it took to ask that person out. There were times I have said stuff in jest and found out years later just how badly it was received.
      So are you saying that if you were mega-ly attracted to any of these guys (i.e. they have the full “dream man” package) then you will still be upset that the “toasted” you? If the answer is yes then all is well. But do you think that is representative of the population of women everywhere? If it isn’t, it is unlikely that most men will know that you are the exception. Or maybe I am being overly simplistic and there are other factors that are in play here. Either way, it is cool. We can agree to disagree. Good write up btw. Wish you all the best.
      Regards
      Lara

  16. Tru

    May 20, 2015 at 8:30 am

    Nne, thank you for this piece.. Please help me tell them. It’s not every girl that wants to get laid in the name of business. We just really want business.

  17. Frances Okoro

    May 20, 2015 at 9:35 am

    Thanks for commenting Seyi, I can assure you though that I have no “prince in shinning armor ideas and I didn’t ask any of them for money. Basically just information since they were in the business already.

    Thanks for your words

  18. Chinma Eke

    May 20, 2015 at 10:32 am

    I so can relate, I get all sides; I’m female, single, but I think I’m tired of being hit on, it has gotten insulting. Then, I also understand the argument of; where is the appropriate place to meet and hookup?
    I think moderation is key, and a little dose of common sense. If you ask a girl out and she refuses, revert to the prior relationship, ie; before you got personal. Everybody can’t date everybody!

    Lol, that was for both sexes; assumptions aren’t monopolized by any sex.

  19. AnnieRose

    May 20, 2015 at 10:59 am

    @Fleur, Reading your comment felt like someone was stating my lifes” story . God help Us.

  20. Jhennique

    May 20, 2015 at 11:29 am

    Ehen??? and so what if a man asks you out while on business calls? whats the big deal in that? First! Know what you are looking for. Second! Be wise enough to recognise it no matter what disguise its wears. I think im helplessley attractive enough to turn a guys mind from business to pleasure but hey why would i get angry if that happens?
    We meet people everday under different circumstances and we never can tell how that person will turn out to impact out lives. Treat these men with courtesy and mature-ly turn them down if you are not interested. Afterall men will always be men.

  21. David Adeleke

    May 21, 2015 at 2:21 pm

    Damn! Some men are just ridiculous.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Star Features

Advertisement
css.php