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Aunty Bella: Miss. How Do I Get My Money Back from the Ex I Cheated On?

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dreamstime_l_51998391Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. 

We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***
Hi Aunty Bella,

I was dating this guy (alongside two other guys) for a while but the center came crumbling down and they all found out about each other. I ended up choosing the one I most liked and want to be with, because I felt I had more of a connection with him. We think the most alike and I can totally be myself around him.

The thing is before all the confusion and brouhaha, I lent one of the guys 800 Euros which he promised to pay back. I gave the money to him because he’s not in my home country and he regularly needs to send money home. I also need Euros since I’m saving for school so the plan was for him to transfer to my Euro account.

Now I want my money back and he told me he won’t pay me back. This guy is a doctor in Switzerland so it’s not even about him not having money to pay me back.

He is saying it is part payment for everything he has spent on me on the assumption that he had a future with me.

This is money I don’t even have. Now I don’t know if I should just let it go or take a more aggressive route. I need this money for my little sister fees otherwise she can’t register for this semester at school.

I am also in debt and saving rigorously for my Masters so I cant afford to let even 1 Euro get to waste.

What do I do?

~ confused

Photo Credit: Dreamstime.com

65 Comments

  1. Tops

    March 3, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    Sorry you entered One Chance

    • Cabrini

      March 4, 2016 at 1:46 pm

      My dear, just kiss the money goodbye!

  2. ElessarisElendil

    March 3, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    EEYAH Kpele. Sue him to get your money back, I’m sure you have proper documentation and all.

    If as I suspect, you’re not willing to plump down on lawyer fees to get your money back, play a little game I like to call “If it was a Man?” It it was a man in your position, what would ‘they’ tell him to do.

  3. Nnenna

    March 3, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    I won’t even judge you for cheating… that’s God’s job. But how did you manage to fall your hand so badly they all found out??? *tsk tsk*. On the important issue though… Nne, eez your money. he took a loan he should pay back. Its not part payment for anything.. which mumu assumption???. You sound like you can’t afford to let it go… Thus, you can shaa take the more aggressive approach (you only gave two options). NB: Either commit to one person or stay single. you suck at cheating if three guys found out about each other.

    • Tosin

      March 3, 2016 at 5:43 pm

      or be open.
      the neglected middle, as per universal sets / venn diagrams, mutually-exclusive-collectively-exhaustive lists, … can’t ignore, sorry 🙂 😉

    • jhennique

      March 4, 2016 at 8:31 am

      Leave her! So you have all these life problems and you still found time to be dating 3 men. Except you can blackmail him with proof that he too was cheating on you, none better go and hawk bread.
      And for some oversabi advise. That guy you chose who is still with you despite finding out about your cheating ways. He is just there waiting for his turn to show you pepper. Run for your life

    • jhennique

      March 4, 2016 at 8:33 am

      If it was a guy that came here to talk about cheating with 3 women BNers will chew him alive. You women want to be treated equal but you don’t want the responsibility that comes with it. Only Jesus should demand payment for sins anyway but like I said there is no pure way to get your money back from this guy

  4. Jay Jay

    March 3, 2016 at 3:16 pm

    serves you right…I’m with the guy shebi u sabe say na only you smart pass…lol

  5. Desire

    March 3, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    Lmao,sorry for laughing.couldnt help it,my dear collect your money back,which kain nonsense payment.

  6. @edDREAMZ

    March 3, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    My best advice is go look for a dope odd and bet some euros nothing else….. Sorry shah…
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  7. Karma

    March 3, 2016 at 3:18 pm

    Why should you go dating 3 guys in the first place? You created your problem for yourself, now you’re worried over creating your own mess. It’s easy, I think you were highly naïve so this lesson should make you grow up. Taking an aggressive route is just being more stupid than the first instance of dating 3 men. Conclusion, move on and learn. Stop being young and dumb!

    • whocares

      March 3, 2016 at 3:49 pm

      there is nothing wrong with dating 3 guys o.. it is only dating now. The strict meaning being- go out, get to know each other and see if you are compatible.. no one has put a ring on it, proposed, or even asked her to be solely gf. I don’t see why she should be “dating” a guy exclusively and turning down other guys that toast her in that period too? (just to derail a bit ) who actually dates guys one at a time.. Like do you date dele and after you have finished and it did not go, you now start to look for Bode’s number? I am all for multiple dating when done right.- do not build expectations, no gbenshing or collecting money and all that jazz, and both parties know they are both there to find out if they are compatible or not and just have fun. All of this you can do in a month or two without dragging it out? By dating we mean dating and not being in a relationship right because they are two different things. You cant cheat if you are not in a relationship with a person now? Abi? Or am I just an oniranu? Why am I defending this so much? loooool.
      So, sister were you dating or in a relationship? clarify o, some of us want to die here on top this matter. loool. Either ways, Pele, threaten to sue him now? A doctor as well, I’m sure he will not want his employers to hear about this.. your hands could just slip and you could find yourself almost about to send an email to all the staff at his workplace? 😛

    • Confused

      March 3, 2016 at 4:18 pm

      I was dating the one I’m with now and in a relationship with the other 2. Not to divulge too much information but I had just gone to see him in December in Switzerland.
      It was hard choosing which guy to commit to but after they found out the decision became clearer.I’ve known him since my secondary school days and when he was in med school. It was just a series of bad decisions and naivity on my part. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone I thought I could have them all

    • whocares

      March 3, 2016 at 4:41 pm

      @confused- LMAOOOOOO. OOH they will soooo massacre you for this, not me though. looool. Ahhhh, Thanks for clarifying (not that it is my business really). Regardless of your shortcomings, it is still your money and he has to pay you. Think of it this way, you dodged a bullet if this is how he responds by using “owo ola to gba e loju”. (bitch slap you with wealth?) But we are not here to be philosophical, we need your money back – so email him and threaten to inform his supervisors at work etc… Maybe? Try to avoid him physically, he might do you some damage, who knows.

    • slice

      March 3, 2016 at 5:42 pm

      Confused. Call his office. At least pls say u know where he works. Don’t leave a msg with details. He will get the drift.

    • Barmmie creammie

      March 3, 2016 at 10:04 pm

      Typical example of an hypocrite. Are you a saint yourself?what makes you better than her?if you have nothing good to say to her,keep your opinion to yourself and stop the chastisement.

    • Barmmie creammie

      March 3, 2016 at 10:17 pm

      Sweetie never give a man your money,a real man does not ask his woman for money. That being said,i think you should just let go dear. But if you really need the money, threaten his sorry ass,make sure every threat is a hit back to back,he’s a doctor right?i’m so sure he won’t want anything to tarnish his image. Good luck to you girl and next time,make sure you’re smart enough not to be caught. Oh and one more thing,say no to pre-marital sex .Love you loads.

  8. *rme

    March 3, 2016 at 3:21 pm

    Hahahahahahahahahahaha
    Karma is a binsh

  9. Edu

    March 3, 2016 at 3:24 pm

    Abeg u fit ask the guy for connect. I wud love to practice in Switzerland as a doctor

    • Tola

      March 3, 2016 at 3:40 pm

      Ahn! You’re all very wicked, especially u, Edu. Lol! Why isn’t anyone taking her seriously though? Noticed that from the comments. Guess cos she cheated – but why would anyone even date three guys at a time?I mean, what will make u do such? – 800euros sounds like a lot of money so I think u should collect it. Just don’t know how. Maybe u can pretend to be back to him and love him.

    • David

      March 3, 2016 at 4:01 pm

      Better reply for de Yeye girl…lol

  10. *rme

    March 3, 2016 at 3:37 pm

    While I don’t agree with the guy, I still get where his coming from. You knew he was under the assumption you’ll be his wife, and you knew you were both not on the same page but you still led him on. *smh.
    If you current boyfriend does it to you now, you’d start looking for sidechic to fight.
    As for your money, use the aggressive means to get it, because if na me, you no go see that money lailai.

  11. Olu

    March 3, 2016 at 3:46 pm

    Side question: The one you ‘liked most and chose’ …did he agree to continue with the relationship even though he now knows you cheated with two other guys? I’d be cautious. if I was you..guys don’t let go of such easily.

  12. madman

    March 3, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    Lmao !~ Forget the funds. God will provide.

  13. David

    March 3, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    So u broke his heart and u tink u are gwana run like dat and have a “happily ever after” while he sobe’s abi ? Oloshi …gerrara here,…..if na me be de guy I go do u. Shege. On top…. Madam want to eat my cake and still have it..

  14. Ms Rere

    March 3, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    Hmmmm….This one na real wa.
    I actually dont blame the dude for refusing to pay your money. I guess its cos he’s hurt. But my dear, did you actually expect him to pay back? In fact let me ask you this, would you have paid back if the roles were reversed?
    Oh well, since he cant take legal actions against you for cheating and I also do not know if you have any evidence that he took the money, (if you do, then by all means apply pressure and get your money back) If you answer NO, then just count this one as a bad business decision and forget about your money. pretend you were robbed.
    Next time play your cards well so you are not left with your hand in the wrong mouth,.
    But the guy though, very brave oo. Even I wouldn’t pay if I was him.

  15. NIRA

    March 3, 2016 at 4:11 pm

    The same ppl that will condemn a girl for “assuming” that a guy who didn’t propose to her was gonna marry her, are the same ppl that’re also blaming this girl for leaving someone who was “assuming” she was going to be his wife. Double standards?? Were they engaged?? or he just assumed they would get married cos they were dating, as if he married all the ppl he’s dated. The guy should pay her back biko!! Whether she did the right thing by ‘triple-dating’ or not is not the issue right now. 800 Euros is not small change for a student. When did dating someone become an investment?? He sounded like an uneducated person, not a medical doctor. I get that his pride and emotions might be hurting, but he should be a man and pay back. If there’s evidence of the loan (bank papers), please use it and get back your money. You need it now, like you said.

    • chibaby

      March 8, 2016 at 11:27 am

      the best ,well said, all this hypocrites here forming like they’ve not actually dated more than 3 guys even kept side sugar daddy, the dude should pay the girl back her cash, it was a loan not an investment , she deserves to get her money back, if he feels its for all his love and kindness toward her when they where dating, then he too should pay her back for the the good times,good sex,kisses .etc. that he got from her all those time,my dear,call his office,go for your cash ,except you don’t need it.. fuck all this pretenders here.

  16. dake

    March 3, 2016 at 4:32 pm

    He’s hurt and he’s trying to hurt you back.. But you have to collect your money back! There’s no excuse for him to try to steal from you.. You do not owe him part payment for anything! Apologise genuinely to him for cheating.. and plead with him to return the money. If that does not happen, then you can try the aggressive route.. I don’t know if that would work tho…

  17. nkem

    March 3, 2016 at 4:33 pm

    SOME PEOPLE ARE FUNNY O! SO BECAUSE ITS A GIRL THAT CHEATED, SHE SHOULD LEAVE THE MONEY AND MOVE ON. MOST OF YOU COMMENTING THAT SHE SHOULD LEAVE THE CASH, IF NA YOUR MONEY, YOU GO LEAVE AM?? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH 800 EUROS IS NOW? THAT’S ALMOST 400K!!! NNE FOR THE SAKE OF THE AMOUNT OF CASH, COLLECT IT BIKO!!

  18. Double standards

    March 3, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    “He is saying it is part payment for everything he has spent on me on the assumption that he had a future with me.” – Maybe you shouldn’t have allowed him splurge on you when you were still considering other guys.

    When relationships end we guys never get our money back ( in most cases are pretty high amounts ), so madam just take it as the breakup cost and move on.

  19. confused

    March 3, 2016 at 4:52 pm

    These are some of the things he did for me
    – 2 phones (first one got stolen and he got me another)
    – He flew down to spend 4 days with me (We lodged in a really expensive hotel)
    – I visited in Switzerland where he treated me to shopping (He didn’t get the ticket for me though)
    – A mifi device
    – About $200 in cash
    – Documents needed to process my student visa application.
    -Dinner dates

    I know I hurt him but he knows I even had to defer my admission to September due to lack of funds. I need to put a certain amount of money into my student account in order for my visa application to be processed and I am doing this by myself with no help. I have painstakingly saved and converted my salary into Euro over the past few months especially at this frightening exchange rate.

    He knows very well how much an extra euro means to me. I have the documents showing I transferred X amount to his bank account so I can prove that I transferred the money. The thing is I really dont want several years of friendship to go down the drain (or end bitterly). I want the best diplomatic way of getting the money back.

    • truth

      March 3, 2016 at 5:09 pm

      forget the money my dear, consider it refund payment of the things he did and gave you.

    • ElessarisElendil

      March 3, 2016 at 5:52 pm

      You know what, I admire you for not trying to garner sympathy. I’ll now give you my best advice.

      His pride is hurt, he odds are views dating differently from @whocares. That’s the key, ‘his pride’. I would suggest you contact him through a friend or acquaintance you share, preferably female friend, a guy is most likely to support his guy or try to get in your pants.

      Apologise profusely, doesn’t matter if you’re pretending. Carefully explain your situation, he’ll say some hurtful things, but roll with it, YOUR money is at stake. Tell him you had fun times, he was the better of the three, that you had wanted to end things to be with him, but he found out. That now he’s found out, you simply can’t bear to look him in the eye, he deserves better e.t.c.

      After some proper ego massaging, offer to take him out to a movie, be proper nice and if his Mother raised him right he’ll return your money to you + his share of the movie ticket.

      For what its worth, I’m rooting for you.

    • lotus flower

      March 3, 2016 at 7:17 pm

      I agree with everything that you advised except the part about lying to him that he was better than the other guys.
      @Poster, it is time to stop deceiving this man! Appeal to his emotions. Apologise profusely. Let him see that you are very sorry for everything. Explain to him that you really need this money; that so much is riding on it.
      Whatever you do, don’t pretend that he was the one for you or you will find yourself in another case of wahala. What happens if he wants to give you the money back on the condition that you guys rekindle an exclusive relationship???? You’ll soon be writing to Aunty Bella for part 2.

    • jhennique

      March 4, 2016 at 8:40 am

      Jesus! Enya do you have a conscience?
      See, just go and hawk bread and stop wasting our time here. Kini gbogbo Iranu Naa?

    • chibaby

      March 8, 2016 at 11:34 am

      was the relationship without sex ?if NO ,go get your money back jor, if yes, then just shun the money, all those things you mentioned are from the goodness of his heart and something a guy should do for his babe, for crying out loud this guy was fucking you without pay,your money was a loan he asked for ,so who cares if the relationship ended badly or not,let him pay you back your money.

  20. Noms

    March 3, 2016 at 5:05 pm

    The one who cheated will not even pay the loan let alone the one you cheated on.
    Just pray…you don’t have a choice.

  21. Omotee

    March 3, 2016 at 5:18 pm

    Someone can’t decide to hold your money because you cheated on him. What’s that? Unfortunately, asides begging, cajoling, writing emails I don’t see how you can get your money back except of course he decides to embrain himself and not be the bitch that he is being right now. If u sue him, you’ll get a lawyer paid. If you’re as broke as you say, I’m not sure you can afford that. Although if you can work up lawyer’s fee, you might get more for damages sef. So, it’s either you write this off as bad debt or you sue him. Na one chance you enter. You’ve learnt. But omo, 3 boys, you alone, wey babes dey find one? I hail o! Lol

  22. lea valley

    March 3, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    He who comes to equity must come with clean hands. Return all his gifts and request for your money.

  23. hmmmm

    March 3, 2016 at 5:31 pm

    but hes a doctor. how come hes borrowing so much money from you, a student? please, how can i become a swiss doctor too?

    • Confused

      March 3, 2016 at 5:56 pm

      First of all you need to learn German, French or Italian depending on where in Switzerland you want to practise. Then you need a permit that allows you to work in Switzerland. You can apply for a job if you are already a qualified doctor but without the language you have zero chance of getting employed.

  24. Tosin

    March 3, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    hehehehehehehehe

    • Barmmie creammie

      March 3, 2016 at 10:26 pm

      Abeg swerve

  25. o

    March 3, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Pray. And also plead wit him. He’s probably just hurt, appeal to him and let him know how badly you need d dough. Pele. You sef next time don’t allow someone do all that for you if you’re not serious with him

  26. Calista

    March 3, 2016 at 6:06 pm

    I’m not sure why people are getting on her. Maybe I misread but my understanding is that she was DATING basically courting them. What’s the problem? Men do it all the time. No one said she was sleeping with all of them but she should have been HONEST and let them know they aren’t the only one as she figures out who she wants to be with. People throwing stones are probably the same ones chasing one guy for a long period of time only for it to end. It’s smarter to not put all your eggs in one basket. She was just messy. Also don’t loan anyone money when you depend on it. Not smart.

  27. Madam olowo

    March 3, 2016 at 6:09 pm

    Dear, call his family into the matter, particularly as you have history.

  28. Chi-e-z

    March 3, 2016 at 6:11 pm

    Well all well that ends well. It’s money least you still have your life. Don’t you see all these other stories for people killing over less ‘wrongs’. As Jesu Cristi said ….Do onto others as you’ll have done to you. If you have evidence of an agreement take him to court. In US the max you can get is 600 for oral agreement idk Swiss law. Or a none court approach find an arbitrary who’s able to make an agreement between the both of you that will end up giving you some kind of compensation. I really think in all you should always count money giving as gifts esp with Nigerians even if you are told its a loan.

  29. poison ivy

    March 3, 2016 at 6:31 pm

    So because of this small thing he did, he won’t return your money. Craze dey worry the guy.
    The lodge in the expensive hotel, no even follow because na una two dey dre.
    That your guy is vindictive sha and he isn’t worried about your friendship going down the drain obviously, so grow a backbone and threaten him. The stingy mofo is about to cost you, so deal with him with the same hand, his job is a great start.
    OR
    You can try contacting mutual friends and family, ask them to tell Oga “dockintor” to return your money.
    N/B- me self lent le boo money and we’re currently fighting and playing the “You hurt me” card but he craze no go fit reach that level, am just waiting for my alert.
    I pray the devil doesn’t use him.

  30. Tolu

    March 3, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    Wow! Bravo….

  31. hawt stuff

    March 3, 2016 at 6:58 pm

    Ms. Confused, i completely agree with ElessarisElendil . No do gragra, just mellow urself until u get ur money back. I faced a similar situation but the circumstances were different. Long and short is dat i borrowed my ex 50k. When i come see say water wan pass garri, omo i mellow myself down, I STOOPED TO CONQUER and i got ma money back. Dude is just hurt and feels you have taken advantage of him.

  32. fan

    March 3, 2016 at 8:37 pm

    You would have contacted BN panel of judges before taking your decision on whom to be with,you think the guy is happy for playing with his emotion.my advice is to forget about the money.see it as a sacrifice you made for love.next time you wise up

  33. AO

    March 3, 2016 at 9:57 pm

    *Reads first line*
    *Exits article*

  34. Person

    March 3, 2016 at 10:05 pm

    I will just advise you to forget the money. Let me narrate my experience: I was dating a dude, he came to visit me in the country I was living in, he paid his flight and I stupidly paid USD700 for a hotel. The plan was that he would pay me back because I put it on my credit card and stressed the importance of good credit standing. I broke up with him during the trip and he refused to return my money. Some men are naturally petty like that, so I will say forget the money. Let this be a warning to you: whatever money you cannot ‘dash’ somebody, don’t borrow them.

  35. AwkwardFromBirth

    March 3, 2016 at 10:28 pm

    It serves you right 😀 Do you think your money is worth more than the emotional torture he might be going through and his wasted time? Next time, don’t go around playing with peoples hearts and emotions. Kwasia Bi Nti

  36. nene

    March 3, 2016 at 11:17 pm

    u r not a sharp babe. u should always collect any money before breaking up with any guy or allowing a man break up with u. when u collect the money, u tell him bye!

  37. memebaby

    March 4, 2016 at 2:31 am

    lollll.. sisteh..now if i were bros.. I won’t even pay you back! how deeeer you ? break mah hart and ask for your money back ??!!! forget aborrit hunni,, you must move on

  38. Just me

    March 5, 2016 at 8:17 am

    Hmmm i dont blame you girl. If i had a choice i ll date all datables till one puts a ring on it. Men these days are so so petty and not of the caliber of our parents. Let me narrate my own experience, i was dating this guy who told me he had a babymama and was working on setting up child support for her so he can move on with his life. I believed him and lent him N10, 000, when he had to buy fuel and didnt have an atm card and also bought him a phone of 50k as birthday gift. Not long after i found out dude was lying and was married to the babymama and i asked for my phone and money back and he refused to refund saying it was money for all the outing expenses incured while we were dating. I was just speechless and gave up on men since then.

    • Mohammad

      March 5, 2016 at 11:35 am

      And that’s how Just me became a lesbian.
      …or a paedophile (but let’s not go there) ?

  39. Miss B

    March 5, 2016 at 11:14 am

    gud mowin . Here is my story.
    Am in my early twenties and a graduate and i
    have not been in a
    serious relationship
    that involves sex because am scared to make the
    mistake my mum made by
    getting pregnant out of wedlocks and then in the
    olden days it not easy
    to marry a single man after having a child and
    then
    she found herself
    with a married man.My problem now is that am
    ready for a serious
    relationship but i can’t find someone am
    interested in and even guys i
    meet wants an experienced girl which am not d
    best
    choice for that
    because am stil playin the V-card and sometimes
    am even shy to talk
    about it and when am with my friends and we
    play
    games and am been
    asked a question relating to xxx i jez cover it up
    because i don’t want
    anyone tinkin am still playin d v- card.I just
    recently met a guy and
    we talk about a lot of things and then i got to
    know that he doesn’t
    like to date my type because he feels he is
    hurting them
    that he prefers to
    date an exposed and experience girl.Right now
    am
    confused whether i shud
    tell him or not and i really like this guy even with
    our
    religious
    differences.Or maybe it just a sign that i haven’t
    find the right guy
    yet.Am so confused and lonely which i don’t want
    to be, please i need
    ur help bella
    team.tanks

    • Ybbil

      March 5, 2016 at 2:07 pm

      You haven’t found the right man. Your virginity is nothing to be ashamed of. Keep it! Any man that doesnt want to be with u because of that wasnt meant to be in your life. Keep it, the right man would appreciate you for it.

  40. Ope

    March 6, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    For me,the best comment came from lea valley. You led him on,pretending and getting girlfriend treats. When una turn the few good guys to demons,I go see where una go see angels. Stop leading good guys on to nowhere and hoe in peace. God abeg not this kinda ladybloody time waster. I hope the dude has checked himself for STDs,HPV gono n the likes.

  41. Serves you right

    March 8, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    Euros ko, dollars ni
    Come and carry it if you can?
    It has entered voicemail

    He spent on you while dating, you were using him as an atm and being a parasite. He was spending on you being his gf/love, so he is entitled to be refunded all he did for you while you collect your money back. Although his time and emotions cant be refunded but return all you took from him

    On a General note,
    How will you be expecting a guy to be performing boyfriend duties and you say there is nothing going on between you people? Are there still mugu guys these days? Sorry am not mad. You cant expect me to be spending on you and you claiming we are just friends

  42. Clarence Sodi

    March 28, 2016 at 11:58 am

    unfortunately, Girls back home think the guys in Europe are “bank accounts” you just withdraw. oh well!!!

  43. Clarence Sodi

    March 28, 2016 at 12:00 pm

    Tell her to contact me and i will give her the money back +447874635264

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