Aunty Bella: Mrs. Badly Behaved


A BellaNaijarian left a comment on a recent post and we just had to share;
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I need help!

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I think I’m losing my husband and almost ruining my marriage of less than 1 year, since we got married we haven’t stayed two weeks without quarreling. My husband has a big heart and is a genuinely good man but I think all the trouble I have given him is beginning to change him. Our fights have been nothing short of unnecessary.

We argue over the most irrelevant things such as money, time and normal human errors. When we do, We involve ourselves in the nastiest war of words, there is no hurtful word in this world that we have not called each other up to the extent that I hit him severally (I get physical). In the past when I over reacted, he has always forgiven me and shown me unconditional love but this recent time after we quarreled again , I think he has drawn away from me a bit, he now avoids me (guess he’s avoiding trouble).

I know he still loves me and wants the marriage to work but something in me keeps brewing animosity towards him, I keep remembering the hurtful words and his actions while we fought and have not been able to move on from it. I love my marriage and don’t want it to crash either but how can I get over the hurt of certain things that have happened. My intuition tells me this issue is spiritual and someone is trying to ruin my marriage. Probably a jealous person/ex or an evil spirit.

BellaNaijarians I need your advice on what to do. I know some of u are married experienced and mature individuals who may have gone through same or seen similar issue, please advice. Thanks

Photo Credit: Atholpady | Dreamstime.com

74 Comments on Aunty Bella: Mrs. Badly Behaved
  • Segi January 23, 2016 at 9:09 am

    Your issue is most likely an emotional or mental one. You might be suffering from depression or something, and trying to self sabotage. Or you’re just a mean spirited person. Either way, you need help! Get to a counsellor!

    • kadara January 23, 2016 at 11:36 am

      Nigerians and always trying to blame the devil , spirit ko, jealous Ex ni. First thing is accept you are the problem. Its like an alcoholic, you must first accept you are abusive and then you can start working on yourself. As long as you keep making excuses and trying to blame it on someone else you’ll get no where.

      • not bitter Kola January 23, 2016 at 8:49 pm

        You don’t know what ‘mean spirited ‘is right?

      • kehinde January 25, 2016 at 6:52 pm

        Sit down madam! Satan came to steal, to kill and destroy! John 10:10a

    • Becky January 23, 2016 at 12:03 pm

      I agree. Honey u r probably very sensitive and emotional. I need to forget hurtful events and be more positive minded. U and ur husband clearly live each other but u r definitely pushing him away and he will get tired one day. Try to practice being calm and telling him ur struggles in a loving way. U seem like a young wife, hopefully with time you’ll get more mature.

  • kk January 23, 2016 at 9:10 am

    Since you now know or feel something is wrong, why not pray more and intentionally avoid quarrels with him. Overlook everything that brings quarrel. This should be a conscious strategy on your part. Secondly, love your husband not just your marriage. I doubt they’ll be marriage if you didn’t have a husband. Good luck.

  • halima January 23, 2016 at 9:15 am

    Spiritual? Okay. It’s obvious your hubby wants peace…but what about you? You still find it hard to forgive him. You both should talk and sincerely apologise to each other if you still want your marriage. If you think it’s spiritual then you must fast and pray together.

    • ATL’s finest January 23, 2016 at 4:35 pm

      Thank U!! Did I just read the word ‘spiritual’? Isn’t this the same mentality BS I’m talking about? Everyone ‘s got an Ex- in their lives before they got married. Now I don’t know how y’both but, there’s a lot of shows & Dr’s speaking out on first yr of marriage bcuz it crumbles very fast if u ain’t careful & it’s tough on newly wed(some). I have heard my friends say its ain’t easy ooo.. Sweetie when u start exchanging hurtful words towards your hubby, that’s Ur personal issue & not spiritual. Second, pls change ur thinking and ur mind set. 3rd, U as d woman, learn to hold it DOWN & watch him love U more. He took care of U first & married U, so U take Carr of him for the rest of your life. ( if u know what I mean).. Seek professional help boo & Good luck. Learn how to let go of some irrelevant issues my dear.

  • Bukky January 23, 2016 at 9:20 am

    There is no ex or any evil forces in this , the problem is you. Only you. With your narrative, you seem to come up like someone who nags a lot
    You want your man back? Be calm, respect him. Communication is the key. Wake him up in the middle of the night and talk to him . Above all pray about it.

  • j’suis belle January 23, 2016 at 9:22 am

    girl u just said something that stroke me
    1. your hubby loves u and is nice to u
    2. you love ur marriage
    do see the difference do u really love ur husband or just the mariage? for someone who loves u he deserves better. And yes quit thinking that mariage life is like courtship, don’t kept most of the things he did then just take him as he is dear. + no spell is cast on u, u already know the cause of the issues so fix it, like the way u adress for example

  • The Marriage Counselor January 23, 2016 at 9:33 am

    Dear Aunty-who wrote this message,
    Nobody, I repeat no evil spirit is ruining your marriage, Matter of of fact no one can touch your marriage only if you allow it. And you have started doing it with your words. Now lets get down to the nitty gritty. You know what you need to do. You already said it {Your mouth and trouble is keeping him away].
    1. You need to find out where this animosity is coming from; James 4 says Where do all the fights and quarrels among you come from? They come from your desires for pleasure, which are constantly fighting within you. 2 You want things, but you cannot have them, so you are ready to kill; you strongly desire things, but you cannot get them, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have what you want because you do not ask God for it. 3 And when you ask, you do not receive it, because your motives are bad; you ask for things to use for your own pleasures.

    2 Dig dip into what this animosity is, know that man can not bring you joy. Your husband won’t make you happy or joyful if you don’t have joy within. No person can give you love like God will. Find these things within. If you are feeling empty for a reason. Go deep to where it all started. It will take time, but one day at a time.

    3. Forgiveness can’t be overemphasized. Forgiveness is like when someone owes you a hug amount of money(very large sum), but they are unable to pay and they beg you, telling you they can’t afford it. So you agree and let them go. This is how forgiveness can work, You don’t expect anything from them anymore because you have agreed they can go free. So Its done, dusted and gone. Their account is clear. Not else is left. You let them go. Forgive all the hurtful words you have said to him, the ones he has said to you and all.

    4. Pray and repent of the words you have said. Call your hubby and pray with him. Both of you need to repent of words spoken. Very important.

    5. It won’t happen in one day or one second. The thoughts will come back to hurt you, it will feel like nothing changed. But as that thought comes up speak to it, tell your thoughts and your mind that “‘I have dealt with you. I have prayed. Therefore you have no right in my mind’. Make declarations.

    6 Take it one day at a time. Don’t leave in the past. Don’t fear no one. NO one can touch your marriage. Only if you take charge of it.

  • Hotspice_yimu January 23, 2016 at 9:35 am

    Tah! You re the “causer” of your problem. Hear yourself ” I love my marriage and don’t want it to crash”. Wetin happen to the man? You obviously are more interested in the marriage now that the wedding is over than the human with you in it. Ask yourself why did I get married? Is it to answer Mrs and feel good or because U want to spend the rest of ur life with this person. Mrs, you will get pass those hurtful words cos my own “intuition” tell me say na TRUTH ur husband yarn those times. Work on yourself and have a fulfilled marriage with your HUSBAND and not the marriage oh. I wan marry I wan marry, marry now ex and spirit imagination dey dance for ya head.

  • tozila January 23, 2016 at 9:39 am

    From my own view…I don’t think you love the person involve in the marriage and you don’t want to loss the marriage….learn how to love him that’s all.

  • Concerned Person! January 23, 2016 at 9:52 am

    Hi Poster,

    It is sad that you’re going through this pain and rough road. Your husband should never have responded to your harsh/swear words with harsh/swear words. He should never have hurt you (with his action and inaction) after you use harsh/swear words at him at his slightest mistake. He should have walked away till you cool off. He could even have apologised for hurting you unintentionally.

    Now, that said, it is clear that you are a lot of trouble. It is also clear that you are insecure, selfish and lack emotional mastery. You hit your husband? Imagine if he hits you… You use swear words on your husband? A man you are supposed to respect? You keep records of wrongs when you have your own avalanche of wrongs? Choose between living like a single 19year old confused “highly toasted” hot chic or being a happy wife…

    Apologise to that man, never hit him again, never use swear words on him again, forget all his wrongs and love him. It starts with a simple decision, prayer and being accountable to yourself.

    Bikonu, stop finding faults! Good luck

    • Californiabawlar January 23, 2016 at 3:58 pm

      Taaa!! Is her husband a ghost or human?! What type of terrible double standards is this?!! What do you mean her husband should have walked away?! You are no different than those who blame the abused wife… Look nobody is omo lole logbesi wa (going back to your parents to collect the response to an insult)… I like him for giving her right back there and there!

      This person up here is abusive! You guys insulted each other but you can’t forget/forgive what he said…sister, what about the hurtful things you said?! You’re now physically abusive on top?!! You’re lucky your husband has not beaten you black and blue….at which point we will now be advising you to leave.
      Please don’t deceive yourself! Being a loving person is deliberate…the things you guys fight about are issues every newlywed and even old couples have to deal with….nobody is doing you…you’re the one doing yourself proper proper…or maybe you’re possessed sha o! Then in that case go for deliverance! chai! Exes have suffered so much!! They are the ones that got dumped, na dem go still chop the blame for your shitty marriage!
      Sweetheart since you believe in evil spirits, i guess you believe in God…my advice is that you and your husband see a christian counselor…. Before that, seat with him and you guys should have a deep conversation….going forward no more two fighting like agberos…pray together every morning so that you guys have some spiritual team building exercises. Your counselor will tell you the rest….you’re probably not listening to me anyways…sha pray together!

      • Nnechi Spicy January 24, 2016 at 6:03 pm

        Hi @carlifonia I think dude was being sarcastic…

  • Babe January 23, 2016 at 9:52 am

    First year of marriage is usually very rocky, your ability to go through this phase matters alot, bridle your younger, pray to God to give u a calm spirit, each time u feel like cussing him, say I love u, learn to forgive and forget.

  • Thatgidigirl January 23, 2016 at 9:53 am

    Ok naaa! BN commenters and double standards! An abusive man and everyone says to the woman run as fast as your legs can carry! He would kill you etc. The reverse case and ppl are saying talk to him, pray etc etc.
    Aunty do you go about quarrelling and hitting your boss, strangers or even law enforcement personnel on the road??? If the answer is no, then whey can you not exercise that same respect and patience where your husband is? Is it a case of arifin (see finish)? Or are you just a cantankerous woman?
    There is no ex or village uncle at work here, this is simply a case of half training and lack of self control. So pleeeeaaaase before you khee the young man or drive him to adultery, go back to your parents house and complete your training, see a shrink while u’re at it may be there’s a medical term for this.

    • Larz January 23, 2016 at 11:23 am

      When BNers tell a woman to leave an abusive man, it is usually when woman narrates the story and they haven’t accessed whether the man is remorseful or not. In this case, girl seems to want to change (so they are being supportive). Nothing supporting one or another just my interpretation of the two scenarios. Seriously though, when will ppl stop complaining about spiritual forces at hand. Spiritual forces can only play on whatever weapon you have in hand

    • Otony January 23, 2016 at 1:02 pm

      Lol…you are so right I swear. Funny comment too

    • Californiabawlar January 23, 2016 at 4:11 pm

      Gbam!! I repent for not giving her your suggestions…the babe is proper abusive! She has even broken her husband’s psyché that he now has to walk around on eggshells….traits of a classic abuser.
      Like people are suggesting, she may just be a naturally cantankerous person to begin with…and that will definitely translate to being a troublesome wife. No one is perfect o, but I can’t imagine beating someone up as I am! Not to mention my husband! Baba nla see finish! Why? For what?! Yoruba people believe that the hand a man raises against his wife will never bring forth prosperity….I wonder if reverse is the case. The lady up here better check herself before she wrecks herself!

    • Nahum January 23, 2016 at 7:45 pm

      You are right, this girl is very immature and grew up throwing temper tantrums to get her way. If she can’t behave herself, then she deserves to be divorced.

    • Helen January 24, 2016 at 6:25 pm

      Tiri gbosa for you!

  • Babe January 23, 2016 at 9:53 am

    First year of marriage is usually very rocky, your ability to go through this phase matters alot, bridle your tounge, pray to God to give u a calm spirit, each time u feel like cussing him, say I love u, learn to forgive and forget

  • Awhotu January 23, 2016 at 10:02 am

    Well someone once said a successful marriage should be like that of a blind woman and a deaf man who decided to come together.Now what I mean is that you don’t throw stones at every dog that barks.Trust me learn how to overlook something’s.As you rightly said he is a good man.Examine ur conscience.Eliminate any negative energy around you.It could be a friend that acts like her marriage is all put together,It could be a habit,it could be how you think about your man or what you say about him to others.etc etc.Just try and make it work.The ball is in your court.Marriage is a very sweet experience but the first years are usually challenging.God will see you through

  • red pill male January 23, 2016 at 10:24 am

    For the people out there who understand what I’m about to write, I salute you. You have a level of introspection that is uncommon. For the others, bare with me, and really think about what I have to say.

    A bit of context: In the stone age, females sought to mate with the most dominant male, i.e., the strongest one who could hunt, provide food and intimidate other males. It is the biological imperative for females to seek males with these traits, and for males to seek the most fertile (prettiest) female. Today these are the reasons for:

    1. Women being naturally drawn to powerful males (power being wealth/status/sheer physicality).
    2. Men being attracted to women with brows on fleek/cleavage on display/Brazilian weaves.

    “Bad boys” exhibit traits like aggression, arrogance, lack of respect for law. These traits are normally associated with power. This is the reason why the woman is drawn to the bad boy. “nice guys” do not exhibit these traits and women don’t find these guys exciting enough. Ever wonder why a woman will treat the guy who adores her like crap, but pine after the one who doesn’t even reply texts? Why women will say they want nice guys but go after bad boys? It’s essentially a biological thing.

    Regarding the OP. Your husband is a typical nice guy. He believes that putting women on an unconditional pedestal is the way to win them over. It is not. You, on the other hand, are reacting to the fact that your husband does not exhibit the dominant male traits that you need in order to truly feel like a female. You want to be loved but you don’t want a kiss ass, feminized man like your husband. Your husband needs to understand that he must demand respect from you and maintain clear boundaries. Basically he needs to get his balls back, but do so in a way that is mature, and respectful to your marriage. The key to relationships is mutual respect, not love as many people claim.

    • blogaddict January 23, 2016 at 9:53 pm

      I am not dumb but your comment doesn’t make sense. You don’t demand respect, u earn it. If you demand you create an atmosphere of fear which is so wrong for a relationship such as marriage. And you he is not wrong for loving his woman the way he does. The problem is clearly the woman’s. Like other commenters have said she is clearly a spoilt-tantrum-throwing-always-having-my-way-breed.

      • red pill male January 24, 2016 at 1:36 am

        I am not dumb either and your analysis lacks any insight. If you understood the male-female dynamic, you would know that women need to be led. If as a man, you can’t lead you partner, stand your ground, and yes demand the respect that a wife should show a husband, then she will treat you like the woman above. He does not need to earn her respect anymore than she needs to earn his love/care/support. These are duties. If at this point he is trying to earn respect, then the marriage is over.

    • ElessarisElendil January 24, 2016 at 1:13 am

      Guy, its obvious you’re still in the matrix, nobody who seen down the rabbit hole would desecrate their hands typing fle**.

    • Tosin January 24, 2016 at 1:17 am

      precisely, especially the preamble.

  • Ay January 23, 2016 at 11:16 am

    Mrs Badly Behaved Truth Is U Never Married Ur Hubby for Love But maybe Because of the Fine things he gives U or the fact that maybe U were getting too old and decided to settle down with Whoever was available or Ur Parents wanted u married sharp! One thing is Certain U Don’t Love Ur Husband! U are in the Marriage Because of fear of People Laughing at u if u leave. This Shows U Are not Happy!! Question is Why?
    1. What Leads to this incessant quarrels? Is it too much Sex or no Sex at All or Boring Sex Laugh? Pls Be Honest
    2. Does He Suddenly Stop Giving U upkeep? Or has he stop Giving u material things?
    3. Is He Pressuring U to have Children or Are u having Difficulty getting Pregnant?
    4. Are U Untidy or is He Untidy? I mean are U the type that don’t Like having ur bath before u go to ur Matrimonial bed? Both of U need to have Ur bath in order to enjoy urself Cos it can put people off when u smell.
    5. Are Ur Parents or His Parents interfering in your Marriage?
    6 . Are U a Naturally Aggressive Person?
    Please think very well and Answer these questions to: taroayoola@gmail.com. Or – Sms pls.

    Truth is You Don’t Know How to Love Ur Husband or U Never Loved him but just got married because He can take care of U! Wrong reasons to get married is tall, dark and handsome or he gives me great sex or he buys me things!!! What abt friendship, good communication, gisting with each other all d time, care, both of u putting each other as no 1 priority?? Most Young girls today don’t really know why the are getting married, just a few! Ladies if U are not sure It’s him Never get married because U will remain SAD and unhappy and marriage is supposed to be with ur Friend, Lover and someone who always Look out for U All d time.
    Get Across to me on my email
    Regards

  • jane(the real jane) January 23, 2016 at 11:22 am

    Try ds trick. Agree with ur husband that Anytym one of u offends the other u both pause and read this words OUT LOUD to each other “I love you, ur my husband/wife and bestfriend in the whole world, Thers nothing we can’t get tru together” u ft add any oda tin join. But make it compulsory 2 say t out loud to eachother whenever ur on the verge of a quarel. It wld wrk wonders. The perd ur sayn t, ur mind go dey calm from the quarel. Also look for the book tinz I wish I knew b4 I got married and 7 habits of highly effective pple by Steven covey. Gudluck

  • Vee January 23, 2016 at 11:34 am

    My heart goes out to you. Your intuition is right! This is more of a spiritual problem. You know what is right but simply won’t do it. Take a closer look at your lineage and look for patterns similar to yours maritally and otherwise. I would advise you go for deliverance at MFM . You will definitely see positive changes. All the best.

    • All is far from lost. It is well. January 24, 2016 at 12:05 am

      In addition to what @Vee said, which you should take seriously, especially going for deliverance ministration and counselling (don’t worry, nothing scary or hidden in it, it’s kind of a like a mini-service with Bible teaching, Word, prayer points, praise and worship, and laying on of hands where necessary and The Holy Spirit flows in His Power as only He can, and you can/should also speak to the ministers/counselors one on one after the service; go before 12:30pm on a working day before a Monday to book yourself, as it’s usually a one week/Monday – Friday course, usually done by 12 noon daily; try to get one on one counseling/advice both from a male and female minister after the deliverance ministrations during the one week you’re there) at MFM, as there is clearly a spiritual aspect involved whose assignment is to get you to self-destruct.

      Don’t be too down on yourself and don’t swallow and digest all the mean-spirited judgements from some commenters here. No matter your flaws (and who doesn’t have them) what should also be blindingly clear to anyone is that you are not happy with the situation, with your part in it, that you recognise your part and flaws, and that you are committed to making your marriage work and your husband happy that you braved reaching out for help to strangers come what may; also, something, your instinct, your spiritman, within you, recognises that there is something not quite right, not quite normal, something beyond you also at work, that no matter your issues, the kind of reactions you have, the way things blow up, the way absolute trivialities and nothings become 4th world wars, the way all kinds of unimaginable hurtful words just easily pop out of nowhere and then just stream wildly into a mighty ocean between you both, is just not normal, like an outside force or forces are manipulating you and your home. All these on your part are commendable. Now, take further steps all the way to resolution and seek the help of professionals. Both spiritual and secular. Bring out the big guns.

      Apart from the spiritual, you need to get to the root emotionally; there is or are issues, it seems, that need to be resolved; including, possibly, fear of something. Go into prayer and fasting (if you have given your life to Jesus Christ, if not, please do so, it will be the best thing you have ever done and not just for your marriage but for you as a person, for your entire life, and for your children) and deep mediation in and on the Word of God/Scriptures, ask God The Holy Spirit (Who has promised to lead you into all truth, and to show/reveal to you great and mighty things that you do not know) to reveal to you the root, any hidden, buried issues, any root of bitterness in you and to help you destroy it; pray the prayer Jabez prayed, ask God not let you bring anymore pain to your husband (and others), and let His Hand be with you in all you do and in your marriage, etc (research Jabez’s prayer and pray it all, it’s a short paragraph but extremely powerful and all-encompassing), ask God that as He showed Moses the tree to throw into the bitter waters so that they became sweet and the thirsty Israelites could drink and they stopped murmuring and striving, so also Jesus The Tree of Life should come into any bitters waters in your person, life and marriage and make them sweet for yourself and your husband and all to drink from and glorify God, that your striving and murmuring against each other may cease. You may wish to seek the help of a Christian psychologist/counselor to root out and resolve and understand these emotional issues and triggers, deal with/face/overcome them and move forward. Whatever you do, avoid hypnosis at all costs, you’ll only be compounding your problems; it’s an open gateway and door to demonic control and influence.

      Make it a point to watch Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen Evans on Daystar tv on channel 344 on dstv; you should watch it with your husband; it can be your indoor/at home date night. You will never regret it. Watch it TOGEHER; And the repeats also by yourself.

      You and your husband should also go for marriage counselling with a reputable husband and wife team. one such wonderful couple are Pastors ‘Yinka and Pastor Mrs. ‘Tolu Akinbami, Head of Family Life Department at The House on the Rock Church, you can find out others but you do both need marriage counselling. You can and should make a point of, prayerfully going for, as you are led, and enjoying, together, marriage seminars by reputable persons, and be sure to write and send in your questions at such events to get advice and answers from the experienced panel members usually on hand.

      It’s not a lot of steps, because it’s for something (your marriage) and someone (your husband) you love, the process will be enjoyable and worthwhile and satisfying. You will feel good with yourself be cause you are taking action; you are taking control of the situation; you are not allowing it to overcome you and overwhelm you; you are conquering it and not allowing the enemy (within or without) to have the victory over you; you are determining that it will only make you and your marriage and your husband stronger, TOGETHER. You are getting help; you are getting knowledge and resources with which to arm yourself, equip yourself, heal yourself, grow, better yourself. This is all very empowering and freeing rather than the feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and despair and self-condemnation you are now wallowing in.

      If your car were breaking down or not performing optimally, you’d take it to all the necessary repair shops and mechanics and spend all the money, buy all the parts these professionals said was necessary and follow all their advice and recommendations. Your marriage is worth uncountable, innumerable cars, so also your husband, so also your unborn generations for whom you are laying a foundation by everything you do, so also your own self. You are more than worth it.

      And most of all, your Divine destiny, and Assignment, God’s Purpose for you in His Divine Plan for the earth, which you cannot fulfill with the distraction and destiny-destroyer of a battlefield marriage, war-front home, marital crisis, failed marriage, self-hate and self-condemnation, broken spirit, is more than worth it.

      Just remember, Paul the great apostle, the one chosen and anointed by God to write most of the New Testament, was also a bundle of contradictions. His character, persuasions and actions certainly should never have been a recommendation for him ever to be used by God but God needed and still needs no man’s permission, and He chose him and used him, and so gloriously and so powerfully. The same great apostle, even after coming to Jesus Christ and being used so powerfully of Him, performing miracles, demonstrating such power of The Holy Ghost, expounding such great truth, revelation, mysteries of God, still cried out: “For the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.” Romans 7: 18-20

      Don’t beat yourself down, and don’t let anyone beat you down but as you already have, do recognise and admit your faults and 1.) REPENT, first to Almighty God, and then, to your darling husband and 2.) GET HELP! for your own self, and together.

      You are blessed (don’t believe the devil/enemy; believe God.). You are blessed.

    • All is far from lost. It is well. January 24, 2016 at 2:13 am

      By the way, like I said, I’m speaking in addition to what @Vee said, so when I speak of a spiritual aspect, I don’t really think it’s a jealous ex like you said, more, what the Word of God calls “household enemies” i.e. from within your bloodline, household, family, relatives; check, look around at both sides of your family, and of your husband, maternal and paternal, check marital patterns, and personal temperaments. Also, be aware that sometimes when evil forces are on assignment, maritally, in a bloodline, sometimes, they do not enforce their mission on the person in the bloodline but rather, on the spouse, deliverance ministers will tell you this, that’s why you need to look at your husband’s family also. All this is not for laying of blames or pointing of fingers, but for proper identifying and exposure of the real enemy and destroying any such cycle and trends once and for all from the root.

      As for Daystar tv and Marriage Today with Jimmy Evans, check their programme schedule on the website. daystar.com/schedule/ It’s on every day Monday-Friday at 4pm (which may be 3pm Nigerian time).

      Also, I discovered, from the schedule, that next week, as God Who loves you would have it, on Joni Table Talk (a women’s panel talk show) marriage is the subject on Moday and Tuesday, so from Monday at 5pm on the schedule (perhaps 4pm Nigerian time), Joni Table Talk, here’s the promo on the website schedule: “Is your happily ever after more of an all-out war? Don’t miss John and Lisa Bevere as they join the table to talk about their own rocky road to marital bliss!”

      Tuesday 5pm/4pm: “Has your marriage lost that loving feeling? John and Lisa Bevere are back at the table to talk marriage, expectations and principles for success.”

      I see victory for you already, God helping you, He has already put you on the path, continue with Him. Swallow your pride, actually, vomit it, apologise to your husband, kneel down even, cook him a wonderful meal, order wonderful takeout if you can’t cook, surprise him, if you think he’ll come home late, or have eaten outside so he can keep avoiding you, send him a wonderful bouquet of red roses to his office beforehand and a card telling him how much you truly love him and how important he and your marriage are to you and how sorry you truly are and ask him for the honour of a date at home, do WHATEVER you know it will take for him to believe you and know you’re really serious and that this time is different. Oh, and somewhere in all your process, if you pray and are led to do so, you might want to show him this BN page.

      Blessings.

  • jinkelele January 23, 2016 at 11:35 am

    For you to even consider that it is an outsider be it human or spirit then see a shrink.

    Be honest with yourself your behaviour to your husband did not start when you got married . The only thing that changed was that your husband reactions to your behaviour changed.

    See a psychiatrist…..before you unintentionally maim him. If he hit you like you hit him this is not the tale we would hear.

    Tell him (husband)you know there is something wrong with you and get professional help. There is a psychiatrist that writes for Bella contact him.

    After a few sessions with a professional dealing with what drives you to behave this way, if you are the praying kind then face any possible ‘spiritual’ influence on your knees and with biblical scriptures.

    Seek professional help. For his sake and yours and future offspring.

  • jinkelele January 23, 2016 at 11:37 am

    ‘the only thing that changed was your husband’s reaction to your behaviour’

  • aurora January 23, 2016 at 11:37 am

    We women have issues. Equality my ass.
    Someone is beating up her husband and you’re talking about forgiveness and repentance.
    It is your hypocrisy that needs forgiveness and repentance. Nonsense!
    Woman, please leave that man before you turn him into a monster and a wife beater.

  • nike January 23, 2016 at 12:00 pm

    What you need is patience. Wen he is angry pls keep quiet and don’t respond. Just kip quiet. Go on ur knees and beg him to forgive you. Above all, do the things dat u normally do to him dat made him to be attracted to you bf4 d wedding. For instance, buy him gifts, cook delicious meal for him etc and pls don’t forget God bcuz he is d foundation of ur home. Pray to God dat ur love for eachoda shd grow stronger. All will end well. Cheers

  • ForTheLoveOfMen January 23, 2016 at 12:34 pm

    Three things will solve your problem: ask yourself why you decided to spend the rest of your life with this man, be patient and always turn the other cheek (after all he is not a physically abusive man nor is he a verbally abusive husband – you thought him to razor sharp his tongue). If you do all these and top it up with continous prayers and forgive yourself and your husband you will be fine and will experience peace and joy and happiness that you want for yourself as a person and as a spouse – and for your husband, your marriage and your home. God is already working on you. Say to yourself that you do all these in Jesus Christ name amen!

  • Tolu January 23, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    Mrs Abusive, you need learn to see beyond yourself and interest in everything.and stop the argument. I think you’ve hurt that man so she’s avoiding you

  • nwa nna January 23, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    Maybe I missed that part in the write up but I am curious to know what the relations was like before marriage? My advise is that LOVE IS NOT BLIND like the saying goes, we as individual choose to ignore the warning signs for whatever reasons & proceed to marry people we’ve no business marrying and then when caca hits the fan we try to justify our choice.
    I think the poster has some personal demons (bags-lady) that she needed to deal with first before proceeding into a marriage, and it also seems like the poster does not want to be accountable for her actions by blaming the issue on unforeseen external forces i.e spiritual attack.
    My advice to poster is to seek counseling, like another BN pointed out, the poster said “she knows that her hub loves her and that she loves their MARRIAGE”.. So is she saying that she only got married to him because she loved the idea of marriage and not the individual she was getting married to? The worse thing ever is a nagging partner,nag enough and you push the other person into someone else’ arm, it just a matter of time.

  • @edDREAMZ January 23, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    Clap for urself ok, yu try wella….. Na mumuism dey worry yu nothing else….
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  • rhonyi January 23, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    poster, do you love the man you married? sometimes we act rudely to our loved ones because of something we feel deprived of. no spiritual thing is happening. search yourself and love your husband.

  • fan January 23, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    If you think that it is evil spirit it means that you are the spirit.start working on yourself to do what makes him happy.heaven help those who help themselves.contact.

  • Mo January 23, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    Your journey to ‘recovering’ your marriage will start with YOU. There is no one against you neither are you under any spiritual attack. You need to sit down by yourself, trace the source of your anger and make a conscious effort to control your emotions. A great tip is also to breathe really deeply when you get upset. You don’t have to ‘treat every fuck up’. Peace n love hon

  • Iris January 23, 2016 at 3:46 pm

    Okay I try to be civil but this is the height! WTF! Heffa, a jealous person is trying to ruin your marriage?! Really???? The exchange rate has taken a nosedive into hell, foreign reserves are empty, two refineries are shut down and you think people have time to plot against you? You’ve already told us right there that you are self absorbed and immature. You need to grow the f**k up because you’ve admitted to everyone that you have a good man. A good man is a blessing to find if you don’t know.
    1. You two need to stop fighting with words you know will hit below the belt. We are human and flawed. If you look for a flaw in ANYONE you will find it, which means you will always know how to hurt the person if you know them enough. It is up to you two to CHOOSE not to use those words when you fight.
    2. Talk it out or let it go. If you are hurting over something discuss it with him without shouting or talking down. If you cannot let go of the past, get closure for it and then move on.
    3. Know which battles you will choose to fight. He will always have traits that annoy you. Even if he knows he has these traits, they will still manifest. It is who he is. You married him, flaws and all. He married you, flaws and all.
    4. Get over your damned self. Honestly from this write-up you seem unwilling to take responsibility for your own part in this, attributing it to spirits. How come the spirits allowed you to ask for advice? Won’t they have blinded you well so you wouldn’t even have thought it was spiritual? The only other thing you can do is check your mental state. Maybe something else is making you unhappy and you’re looking to him to validate your happiness, which is impossible.

  • opeyemi murewa January 23, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    You really need to take a chill pill !!!! before you push your husband out finally, I had a similar experience but I had to caution myself. The funny thing is your arguement may seem unnecessary but they are actually most time for geniue reasons, which your husband can not deny, where I tink you missed it, the use of hurtful words with each other (babes is never that serious, when fight end all the curse una curse each other go turn to parapo thing afterall you are one so me mindful of what you say no matter how bad it may seem or you feel.

  • Niyoola January 23, 2016 at 4:18 pm

    Words are winds. You can’t take them back, but your subsequent actions can ease the pain. In this case, your actions after are making things worse.
    Domestic violence is a no-no. If I were a man, I would leave a wife who puts her hands on me. Have you ever thought of him hitting you back in anger? You could lose your whole jaw! What you can’t take, don’t dish out….. don’t come here crying wife beater when you started it.

    In order to make things right again, i’ll advise you to do the following:
    1. Commit your marriage to God.
    2. Commit your attitude to God
    3. Commit your husband to God
    4. Swallow your pride and be a peacemaker. Go on tour knees and apologise to your husband. Beg him for everthing (those where you were at fault and those where he was at fault). Don’t rationalise anything, don’t decide who did what. Apologise for everything and tell him you are working on being a better person.
    Work continuously on being a better person. Let your actions speak for you. Briddle your tongue also.

  • Idomagirl January 23, 2016 at 5:36 pm

    Let me pass across some things my married friends say about marriage,
    “It involves a lot of tolerance and letting go”
    “Learn to pick your battles wisely, don’t sweat the small stuff”.

    You’ve said it yourself that the guy is good and kind and you don’t want to lose him, so it’s up to you to make some changes.
    Learn to let things go, hold your tongue, communicate your feelings when you’ve cooled down not at the heat of the moment, when things are beginning to heat up, walk away to deescalate the situation.

    All the best. 🙂

  • Ada January 23, 2016 at 5:43 pm

    Just thank your stars that’s not my brother or son that you are abusing physically and verbally. You better pack your things and leave that man alone before you scar him for the next woman that he will meet. Go and work on yourself and forget about marriage and relationships for now. You are more concerned with the idea of being married so that you can be called Mrs. You do not love or care or have any atom of feelings for this man and you know it. So just leave and carry your wahala and go so he can find peace in the arms of another woman that truly cares for him.

  • Honeycrown January 23, 2016 at 7:12 pm

    What a funny comment you made here, “My intuition tells me this issue is spiritual and someone is trying to ruin my marriage. Probably a jealous person/ex or an evil spirit.”. That’s the typical African/Nigerian mentality when we don’t want to face/accept the truth. Please stop blaming others and begin healing and making amendment by accepting responsibility.
    Anyhow….I think you’re on the right path by acknowledging there’s a problem. You mentioned twice about how you can’t get over hurtful words/events from the past so you need to forgive yourself and him. It also sounds as if you don’t love him enough? And you’re trying to punish him for something you’re feeling guilty about?
    Calm down, take a deep breath and keep praying. Work things out in your heart and then approach him about working things out. Things will get better and please don’t forget to forgive. All the best ?

  • Nahum January 23, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    You are only 1 year in marriage, the things you fight about are normal, however how you fight is not. First of all, you really need to control your temper and your tongue. This man has become your family, don’t fight him like you would a stranger. Not everything must be fight to finish. Hear him out, give him space to voice his feelings, stop insulting each other!!!! There are few things “I am sorry” can not fix and insults are one of them. Learn to fight with him the way you will fight with your father, with love. And might I also suggest going for counseling to deal with your anger issues?

  • Alias January 23, 2016 at 7:39 pm

    Dear fellow woman,

    My heart truly goes out to you. The fact that you recognize that this is a problem is already a testimony to God’s grace in your life. I’m married and honestly the first year of marriage can be truly an eye opener. This is especially true if friendship and communication were not groomed over time during courtship. But regardless of how long you dated or courted, new things come into play. Think about it, apart from a sibling or your parents, you might not have had so much contact with another human being as you have with your husband.

    Sit down and think about your behavior, is there any one you know in your life who responds like you do in similar situations? I didn’t realize how much of my dad’s temper or my mum’s penchant for hurtful words that I had until I got married(btw my parents are lovely but no one is perfect) marriage brings out the best and worst in you. I quickly realized that when my mum was angry, she says the meanest things because she’s hurt. I was beginning to do the same thing to my husband and God in his mercy and through my husband showed me this behavior. This is why marriage requires patience and prayer because you need both to see and for the courage to change.

    You and your husband will legitimately have differences with how to spend money, time, resources, in-laws etc but with love and respect, you’ll find some common ground.

    Pray, Sit down with your husband and ask him honestly. honey, tell me, what ways do I hurt you or disrespect you? Be willing to listen, think, and pray about it. Resolve in your heart by the grace of God to show kindness to this man that you married. Ask God to reveal to you through his word the root of the bitterness and anger you have.

    Ask your husband to hold you accountable when you fall short. Love is a decision. Decide to be kind to yourself and your husband and watch how God restores broken things to you. I’ll be praying for you.

  • Nahum January 23, 2016 at 7:43 pm

    And by the way, if you hit that man again, then your behind deserves to be thrown in jail. Shame on you!!!! If it were the other way around, will we still be talking?

  • Natu January 23, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    Everything is spiritual with you Africans. Ignorant bunch!!! The chick clearly needs to see a psychologist to resolve her anger issues.

    • Idontget January 23, 2016 at 11:25 pm

      abeg shut up for once Natu

    • ElessarisElendil January 24, 2016 at 1:14 am

      I wonder how it is in your head space hating your people so much. Someone really ought to give you a long hug to let all that resentment out.

      • Natu January 24, 2016 at 1:39 pm

        Don’t hug me please. I don’t want your ignorance to rub off.

  • fleur January 23, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    First, I applaud the young lady for acknowledging she contributes to the chaos.A good first step is to understand that yelling and screaming means nobody is listening. Next time you wish to communicate a point to your hubby that might be contentious, sit down and write a brief note. In your note explain the following succinctly:
    1)Brief description of the issue. hypothetical e.g. I am unhappy with always finding pee on the toilet seat when I go to use the bathroom.
    2)Who you think is responsible e.g., Since we are the only two persons with access to this bathroom and I always sit to pee, I have no other recourse but to think that when you pee, it gets on the seat.
    3) Why is this bad? Example – Though I love you very much, I hate sitting on a wet toilet seat. It makes me feel filthy and it upsets me.
    4) What is the remedy? Since you are a man, sitting to pee may not be feasible for you. However, we can leave the toilet seat raised at all times so that we only bring it down when we need to poop.
    5) A good ending. HOney, I am not writing to insult or make you feel bad. I love you so much and I want to communicate this in a loving way. As we live out our marriage, I think it is important to know our preferences so that we can consciously support each other. Love you babe. Oh, and if there is something i do that drives you mad, please let me know so that I can make you feel amazing with me at all times. Mmuah, mmuah.

    Sounds oyibo but it will knock his socks off since he will be expecting a pit bull fight with you on any issue. When giving him the note, choose a tender moment and be coy. Dont act all make and brash. Kiss him, hug him, you know….. romance him a bit and say “honey, I have something to tell you but I wrote it down and I want you to read it. Let him read it while both of you are holding each other lovingly.

    Choose this method to also communicate something he did that you think is really awesome so that the notes are not only about calling someone out. That way he is open to reading the notes because he wont know if its a good or hey stop there note.

    Aight boo. Hang in there. Marriage harro! Good luck.

  • Tpepper January 23, 2016 at 10:38 pm

    Sweetie,

    I admire the fact that you are honest in your assessment of the situation. You also know that the fault isn’t mostly from your husband . You have taken responsibility and owned up where you believe you made mistakes. You also said your husband is a good man. There’s hope for you and your marriage.

    However, there’s nothing spiritual about what you have described above. Get your mind out of there and fast. Like someone said above the first one few years of marriage is rocky and requires a lot of hard work. You husband is not your sibling so it is expected that the both of you would disagree coming from different backgrounds even siblings from the same womb do not essential eye to eye, sometimes.

    Having said that, the problem I find with most young couples is the lack of determination to stay married. The mentality is its either my way or the highway. Both parties should be committed to making their marriage work. Not every disagreement we start packing our bags and hurl insults as if there’s no tomorrow. I remember early in my relationship with my husband, we had a fight and I said if this thing is not working let’s go our separate ways. He looked at me sternly and said ” we are not going anywhere, we are going to resolve our issues and moving on . And please quit mentioning a break up each time we disagree over an issue. We iron out our differences and move on”
    That statement set the tone of our relationship /marriage today. It’s not perfect but we are committed to protecting it.
    I’m sure you also said hurtful things to your husband as well. Think about him for a minute. And all he’s been through too. And you said yourself he’s a good man, imagine if he was disrespectful towards you or chasing women around town. Forgive yourself and find it in your heart to forgive him too.

    It takes two to tango. You cannot give what you don’t have and do not expect to receive it. If you want love, give love. If you want respect give same. And pray my darling, pray like your life depends on it. For surely it does. All the best

  • demashi January 23, 2016 at 10:41 pm

    The comments to this post have been majorly placative and reconciliatory since its a woman involved, it would have been an entirely different story if it was the other way round. Madam, you definitely know you’ve been dealt a good hand in marriage with a wonderful man and ladies like you tend to make a harsh of things yourself. There’s a yoruba adage which loosely translates as ” a woman who hasn’t married two men won’t cherish his current husband”. If he was a brute, inconsiderate man, you won’t think of acting this way. But because he’s nice and non-confrontational, you want to sit on him. Thank GOD you realise the folly of your actions and want to make amends. Early on in my marriage, my wife had a similar disposition, was belligerent and non-confirmist, generally disagreeing with anything and everything, finding fault in whatever good deeds I did for family while at same time expecting me to do same for hers. Until she nearly pushed me (not an alibi but it aided it) into an affair. After the whole episode, she came around and acknowledged her role in my indiscretion. Believe it or not, there are women out there who would take in your man without batting an eye. Ladies, learn to appreciate your man – especially if he is a good and responsible man.

  • chi-e-z January 24, 2016 at 12:18 am

    I don’t blame the guy I’ll avoid ur crazy a$$ myself ain’t nobody gat time to be fighting allday over nothing. real world has real issues get over yourself. Forgive you must forget and don’t repeat same bs if not u’ve made ur own bed of an unforgiving husband.

  • Tosin January 24, 2016 at 1:08 am

    Pele.
    If I was your husband, what I would appreciate is 1. take time out from your busy schedule to apologize, the same passion with which you destroyed apply it for five minutes or one hour into really expressing how sorry you are and how much you love him and how much you wish you never did anything to hurt him, that is, assuming that all these things are even true. Are you sorry or are you angry? 2. If you can manage to really do this without fighting or attacking, you’ll probably have a plan together for “the way forward”, do your best to keep up your end of the plan.

    Although I’m a chick, I wouldn’t tolerate anybody disturbing the peace in my life, if na woman wallahi na to part ways. So don’t take him for granted; in his shoes I’d already be planning my life without you, e go shock you when I go just vamoose poof, leave you to shout at yourself.
    I also have been the cranky one and I understand how frustrating it can be when you want to stop bitching but can’t seem to stop.
    If you’re the quitting type, quit, no shame in that abeg. If you’re a fighter, then do your best to change things.

  • gia January 24, 2016 at 1:52 am

    My intuition tells me this issue is spiritual and someone is trying to ruin my marriage. Probably a jealous person/ex or an evil spirit.

    WTF??!

  • The real dee January 24, 2016 at 2:39 am

    Mrs badly behaved, I am one of those ‘ignorant’ African people that has a Nigerian mentality and believes the spiritual controls the physical and will consider matters prayerfully from a spiritual perspective. But you see your own case is not entirely spiritual. You have issues you have to deal with. You have to deal with yourself.

    When we marry a gentle husband that will never raise his hand to hit a woman, some of us take such men for granted. And that’s what you’ve done to your husband. You have taken him for granted. I can understand you because I was once in your shoes.

    My husband is the kind of man that is so gentle, loving & won’t even quarrel. .He’s like iced water while I’m like blazing fire. In the early months of our marriage, I gave him hell to the point that he left the house one day to go and cry outside after I shouted ‘I hate you’ at him. At a point, I will throw tantrums, start crying when he reacts and he’ll go on his knees and start wiping my tears and apologizing. But one day, I sat myself down and assessed myself, looked back into my past relationship with my parents, friends, and realized my mind had been messed up emotionally and my husband,the only one who has ever treated me with utmost respect and love was bearing the brunt of my disjointed emotions. I was angry with people in my past, was bitter about friendships gone wrong, was living with unforgiveness for those who made me depressed in the past and I was taking it out on someone who saw my flaws but loved me enough to work on my emotions and care for me.

    I wept like a river that day and started calling the names of everyone who has hurt me one by one and was saying, I forgive you. That day,it felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders, I felt so light, I felt inner peace and joy. It’s been 5 months now and I can’t remember the last time I cursed at my husband or threw tantrums. The only time i quarrel with him is when I want make up s*x (sorry, TMI, makeup s*x is the best..lol).

    So look within yourself and figure out what’s making you act the way you do. If that doesn’t work, then maybe somebody has used ‘sigidi’ to attack you and your husband *jokes* lol

  • Nnechi Spicy January 24, 2016 at 7:45 pm

    I just imagine my brother going through such issues in his marriage. God forbid oh, cos you are so getting separated from him until you tie that loose screw in your head (even if it means arresting him just to keep him away from you). Double standards everywhere. If it were reverse everyone will be telling you to run. You’re an abuser and your hubby is a victim of domestic violence. Inukwa? Hit my husband; as much as I am d ‘fire’ I know where to draw d line. You feel hurt cos of d hurtful words he said? What did you expect? That you come at him like a hyena and expect him to respond like a lamb? Bloody NO honey. He will clap back like a lion. Read proverbs 14:1 and haggai 1:7b and have a selah moment. May my brother not marry someone like you oh…

  • Swizzey January 25, 2016 at 12:24 am

    The one thing that still baffles me, is how come the madam didn’t exhibit some of these behaviors during courtship?

  • YUMMY CHICK CUM MUMMY January 25, 2016 at 3:53 pm

    may God help yu oo…………………..see ur shrink n get one asap

  • WOMAN January 28, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    Hello Madam,
    I have been married for almost 2 years now. I can relate with the “quarrels/silly fights/arguments” in the first few months of marriage. What I find extreme are the “slaps” you seem to enjoy giving your husband. Your husband’s reaction is quite normal, he would rather stay clear of such a “quarrelsome” woman.
    My advice like many others have pointed out is this:
    1. QUIT BLAMING OTHERS (evil sprits or ex’s) for YOUR problems. Being true to yourself AND YOUR HUSBAND is an antidote that if it doesn’t work immediately for you, will work WONDERS for your husband.
    2. FORGIVENESS is the first rule you HAVE TO LEARN in MARRIAGE. All those hurtful words were said by YOU AND HUBBY IN ANGER. Get rid of them from your mind, even if it means speaking loudly to your mind to shut up, please do that. Any “crazy but legal” thing is allowed in marriage between husband and wife, as long as it HELPS your MARRIAGE.
    3. This STAGE of MARRIAGE WILL PASS but how long it lasts depends on YOU yes YOU/WOMAN. You know your hubby loves you and is nice, so work on yourself, on your psyche, PRAY, do everything to can to put smiles in your hearts and faces. Trust me, your hubby will follow you like insects follow bright light.

  • Derby March 11, 2016 at 12:18 am

    Hello poster
    I am not married yet and I don’t plan to. Anyway, I think what your problem really is from within you and you alone have the power to curtail whatever might be coming at your marriage. You alone can love your husband, you alone can make him feel secure, you alone can stop the fights (well, he’ll need to do his own quota too) , you alone can avoid the incessant unnecessary quarrels, you alone can make you feel happy, loved, and secured once again, you alone can make you forgive your husband. Baby, its all you, you and you. So pls work on yourself and reach out to your husband. Bonne chance

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