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Aunty Bella: Miss. Affected by Mum’s Life Choices

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

A BN reader left this message in the comments section on one of the posts published today. We decided to share it. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

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Hi BN family, I’m a lady of 22 years. My family is presently in a mess. My parents are divorced.

My mum after 17 years of being divorced fell into the hands of a pastor who has been married two times. He is planning on making my mum d 3rd wife. I’ve talked to her and advised her in love; her friends have talked to her also to back off. Other ministers of God have told her to quit what ever she has with the pastor but she isn’t listening.

I went back to my dad some weeks back for him to reconcile with my mum. Now he has agreed, but my mum said she will never go back to him. She said that if she does, she will frustrate him in the house. I’ve been having some bad dreams about the pastor and my mum – that he ruined her life and all that.

It is making me to lose the love I have for her, because she is doing some other things with the man that isn’t right. Her life is affecting mine and that is why I’ve refused to go into any relationship with any man. I just feel there is nothing sensible in marriage.

Please what can I do about my mum’s issue and how can I help my own thinking about men?

Thanks

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Mary Katherine Wynn

20 Comments

  1. p

    August 30, 2015 at 5:13 pm

    firstly, who is that pastor? some pastors are worse than politicians!!! NAWAH OH!!
    my dear i can only imagine what your going through and im really sorry your going through this. but all i can say is you need to understand your mother is old enough to make her choice and if those choices affects you negatively and youve done everything in your power to make her see reasons but she refuses to see your way then you have to let your mum do as she pleases. now, you also must understand that is never your fault neither your responsibility to make things right…. you have a bright future ahead of you, you have a life to live and love is a beautiful thing, dont let the situation happening between you and your mum affect you even though i can understand why you feel this way ( you have the right to) but understand youve done all you can, now all you need to do is make sure theres no conflicts between you guys, supports her even if you dont want to, be responsible for your own life and be happy despite the issue at home, please dont let this affects your love life. trust me its not worth it! fall in love and be happy, every family has issue and if we let those issues affected us most of us will be depressed and no where close to achieving what we have now. eventually your going to have family of your own but how will that be possible if you let this issue affect your love life!!!! your mother is old enough to make choice whether bad or good and at the end of the day shes going to take responsibility of the consequences. its not your place to make thing right especially if she disagrees with your effort to help!!! trust me im in the position to tell you this!!
    hope i helped, sorry for the long essay lol..

  2. Babym

    August 30, 2015 at 5:17 pm

    My Dear, the best advice i can give u is to live ur own life and let ur mother live her own. U have ur own life ahead of u, ur mother has and is living her life. Write your own story. Your mothers story and life experiences dont have to be ur own. I know its easier said than done but u have to make a conscious effort not to allow ur parents marriage or ur mothers circumstances affect ur own life. U can do it. I wish u all the best.

  3. Lope

    August 30, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    Hello dear. In my own opinion, what is between your mum and the pastor is something beyond the ordinary eye and she might not even know herself. I’ve had experiences around me that it’s when she gets into it fully she starts to see what everyone was saying.
    My advice for you is to pray. She is your only mother, you can’t have two mothers. If you really want to save her go to God in prayer and get people to pray along with you. It is not just by talking to her.
    Also, you can tell her family members what’s going on so they have an idea before the man comes to ask for her hand in marriage.
    Lastly, you should also be careful yourself. You never know what anyone is up to. Just make sure you get closer to God and don’t trust anybody with sensitive information about your family.

    • Ngozi

      August 31, 2015 at 11:29 pm

      Exactly. This 22year old as we can see is concerned because the decisions of our loved ones affect us. If the mother falls ill or something else happens, will she deny her, the responsibility may come upon this girl and some responsibilities can be extra ordinarily overwhelming especially after you have warned the person. So my dear, pray to the God of Elijah that answereth by fire. Talk to your pastor also. Yes there are genuine men of God out there. Does your mum have anyone in her life she listens to. Let such a person know. You and your dad should set apart prayer and fasting days. God will hear because you are praying His will.. A friend of mine in Uni had the same problem, I was actually shocked when I heard that a woman could choose to leave her husband even when the man still desires her. My friend’s mum wanted to continue the affair with a wealthy Nigerian while her husband was hurting.

  4. Ade

    August 30, 2015 at 6:51 pm

    The woman i called mother frustrated me and got on my last nerves on friday and i did not know when i started to swear at her after which i cried myself to sleep. But i must admit i felt better. This woman not only ruined my life even when i indirectly told her about her niece who was constantly sexually abusing me under her roof, she would beat me up and cast her imaginary demon out of me with cane and olive oil. Same goes to the bastard i called father, he never saw anything good in me but how i would be a failure and not amount to anything. I could go on and on but it would not change anything. So back to you the writer, i suggest you face your life and let your mother live with her mistakes.

    • nene

      August 30, 2015 at 8:18 pm

      gbam.

    • Nkechi

      August 31, 2015 at 11:45 pm

      @Ade, I understand the fact that it really hurts when those you look up to for protection default but please don’t curse them, it carries heavy consequences.( Isaiah 45:10). Children like you usually have a great destiny but the devil comes early in life to truncate it so that you can be so psychologically damaged that you won’t be able to pick yourself up. the devil can use any vessel. even parents to inject the wrong view. Such children must give their lives to Christ early in life and quickly. Ade forget about the abusive words and let it go. Joyce Meyer was sexually abused by her father, now she is an influential woman of God. King David was relegated to the background, his family didn’t think he mattered yet he faced God and excelled so please cursing them and crying is not the solution instead become born again and develop a strong relationship with the Holy Spirit so He can guide you in life and help you make great decisions. David understood the circumstances deeply and that is why he said that even if my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up(Psalm 27:10). Ade, please let Jesus help you. He has all the solution in His Hands.

  5. kachie

    August 30, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    I believe in prayers. The Almighty God is the God of all flesh and there’s nothing difficult for him to do.. Take it to God in prayers coupled with fasting.. I know of a couple that was separated for more than 22yrs and God still brought them back together. Your family needs you now most especially your mom.. You can still make a difference.. God doesn’t fail those who sincerely put their hope in him. This is your cross; your battle. You can fight; Oh yes, you can fight it.

  6. Dr. N

    August 30, 2015 at 7:56 pm

    You have release your mother. No one is reaponsible for the happiness of another. Let her make her choices. All u have to do is
    1. Forgive her. Else your prayers will bounce back
    2. Pray that the eyes of her understanding be opened
    3. Loose the bond btw she & d pastor for whatever we bind on earth…
    4. Stop trying to reconcile she and your dad. Ask God to turn her heart but leave them alone.
    Now to the Q of how her choices affect you. Our ancestry is traced to JESUS not our biological parents for if any one be in Christ he is a new creature. Dont ever think in your heart or say your life is limited by her. You are the answer to someone’s prayer! Step out and look out.
    By the way, u dont need a string of men u need 1 good man. I pray He locates u soon.
    Cheers

  7. Hian

    August 31, 2015 at 3:26 am

    Honey,the only person standing in your way of happiness is you. You are a 22 year old mama. You have seen good examples of marriage and if you have not, the purpose in your heart to seek them out. Pray that God will loosen the hold you feel your mum has on you. Your mother’s life will have nothing to do with yours as long as you believe and act towards better. Her affair with the pastor is alarming so pray about that as well, since you have done all you can. Please leave her marriage with your Dad out of this. If she has been away from him for 17years, she must have her reasons. You know nothing about your dad as a husband. Pray for her eyes to open and for the both parties to have a distaste for each other. One more thing, our background shapes us to a certain level but when you truly know better, you must try to do and attain better. Marriage is beautiful, your parents experiences will not be yours unless you let it.

  8. lala

    August 31, 2015 at 8:06 am

    maybe she love the pastor’s – sooo much.there is nofin u can do abt it.

  9. zelda

    August 31, 2015 at 8:53 am

    at 22,you are still young,so I will advise you to make your table of preference and work towards achieving your set goals on the list, keep your self busy wit trying to attain them,even if they do not follow up numerically, mean while do pray 4 your mother, her life is not yours, 17 years is an awful long time for her to be alone,so her craving & getting attention the kind of attention she’s getting now,is normal, just pray she should be grounded enough to realize if an d when its bad for her,keep your thoughts and actions positive,your thoughts becomes you.

  10. sum1special

    August 31, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Only advice i can gve is to pray,pray and keep praying for her. There is nothing God cannot do.

  11. Pulchritude

    August 31, 2015 at 11:02 am

    Hello Dear, first thing to do is to let your mum live her life, reason being that she is old enough to make her own mistakes and no matter what you try to do she will still do that which she wants to do.
    Secondly, you need to live your life. In life, you alone can determine what you want and how you want to feel. so my dear, let go off your mum mistakes and pick up your love life…… you can only learn from her mistakes and make yours the best it can be. Circumstances in life is what makes us stronger.
    put her in your prayers and let God do his wonders.
    You will definitely be fine cos i know you will and i speak from experience. live your life, let love find you and find love!!!

  12. Advice?

    August 31, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    errrrmmmmm… i hope u believe in d spiritual..cos we wrestle not against flesh and blood.. dont listen to people who say u should live ur llife and let ur mother live hers! if u were her, lonely for 17 years would u want to be abandoned by your relative because one baba use juju on u? and when he ruins her life finish won’t u be d one to clear d mess? so why not just sort it out now? not a big fan but if it means going to see an MFM pastor please dear do. Use d power of God to fight the power of the pastor. She is ur mother and u should love her. ANyways ure 22 so am i and even tho our stories are not d same, i have seen principalities of darkness and im equally stuck trying to slap sense into my mother and older sister cos they are both just going down d wrong path and sis refusing to be religious when obviously the issues in her life pass ordinary eye! But that will not affect my own life. i will go on to be the best i can be and maybe be strong when they need me. Im getting my spiritual game as stronger as God wants it and getting my finances and life right and someday land d man of my dreams. But sure i won’t let the mess around me affect my psycology. in fact u should live like u have a point to prove cos darling u do!
    Marriage is honorable in the eyes of all, and just as ur mums life is affecting urs u should strive to build a strong home for ur own daughters or maybe sons so they do not go thru the agony that u are going thru right now. Pray you find someone who will love u and compliment u and try not to think about her choices too much, take it to the Lord in prayer and believe he will fix it and rest ur head.

  13. Tunmi

    August 31, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    Your mum has a life of her own. Let her live it.

  14. PH Boy

    August 31, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    The poster girl fine sha!

  15. missappleberry

    September 7, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    Sounds like an Emeka Ike, his wife, their daughter and Chris Okotie drama. Lol

  16. anonymous

    September 15, 2015 at 11:45 am

    sweetie.. a lot of families D’s days are broken . dt shldnt stop u from finding Luv.. ever1 deserves it dear.. my family is not exactly a model one but hunni! I’m onto finding Luv. da Lyf is urs.. just forgive her.. and kip praying 4 her.. all d best dear!

  17. Nommy

    January 4, 2016 at 7:25 pm

    Please I need your help and advice.
    I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. He’s a doctor and I am a pharmacist. We love each other so much. Of recent he has been talking about settling down with me. His mum and sisters are aware and in support of our relationship. He told his dad about his plans and me , but the old man doesn’t approve of me been that am not from their town. Though we are from the same state. Nobody in his family approves of me again, reason been that he is the only son and they need his wife to be from their town. Am confused and do the know what to do. Kindly advice me please.

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