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Aunty Bella: Mr. She Doesn’t Want to Pretend to Impress My Parents

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dreamstime_s_42573597Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.

A BN reader left this message in the comments section on one of the posts published today. We decided to share it. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***

I stumbled on this article while looking for the Peter Bello tributes online. Maybe God sent me here.

I’m in my mid-thirties, so is my fiancée who is very beautiful, the best combination of brains and beauty, decent, good cook, strict and very very kind. She is the definition of a good person. I say this not because she is mine but because it is true. Her friends, colleagues, ex-colleagues, neighbours, everyone all tell me I’m a very lucky man.

We are both good Christians. We are however from different ethnic groups.

My folks (esp mom and her sisters) are still sore that I picked a woman ‘from outside’. Mum thinks her ethnic group has too many ‘women of easy virtues’ (even though my fiancée is easily the most decent woman I know of) amidst other complains. Well, I know mum is wrong and we have talked to the point where she has accepted my fiancée.

I met my fiancée’s family already and they are an awesome bunch.

My fiancée is meeting my family next weekend and to the reason for my confusion: ‘my darling fiancée wants to keep her leg chain on for the occasion’. She is wearing an ankara dress so the leg chain would be very obvious. My babe has told me her own mother is not too happy with her extra ear piercing nor anklet but she has come to accept it. I have explained to her why it may be a bad idea. We have argued about it and she finally told me she will think about it.

My mum already has a bad vibe about her as per ethnic group, my parents are ultra-conservative and I know my parents (mum actually, dad won’t even notice initially) would not like it. My darling fiancée thinks she should present herself as she is to my family, leg chain and all. That she doesn’t want my mother coming to our house and be shocked to see she wears an anklet.

I love this woman and would marry her even if my family disapproves and my parents know this. I have no problem with her wearing a leg chain or anklet as she calls it, lol. Dear readers, please how do I help her see this is an avoidable battle as we meet my family or am I being irrational?

Photo Credit: Wavebreakmedia Ltd | Dreamstime.com

114 Comments

  1. Scared Homosapien

    August 17, 2015 at 3:22 pm

    ‘Dear readers, please how do I help her see this is an avoidable battle as we meet my family or am I being irrational?’
    It is left for her to see for herself. You have done your part by telling her what your parents wouldn’t like. There is nothing we the readers can do to change her mind if she can’t change it for herself.

    • Ann1

      August 17, 2015 at 5:45 pm

      Her chain isn’t hurting anybody. I think she should keep it on if she wants to. A leg chain doesn’t define her character. What’s the pretence for? I’ve seen women that dressed up so conservatively to meet their inlaws, and were so respectful to their inlaws, but once they got married, the whole facade faded. If the leg chain is the only concern, then leave her alone to wear her leg chain. She’s still going to wear it everyday after you get married anyways, so no need for the fakeness.

    • Manny

      August 17, 2015 at 10:57 pm

      I think people are mixing up two things.
      1 Wearing the ankle chain to a first meeting with the parents
      2 Wearing the ankle chain everyday

      Love and entering into a marriage requires some compromises. I know young people like to be like gra gra gra my way or nothing but the truth is that wisdom sometimes requires that you let some rights go.

      This man says he accepts his girl like that. That is established. However, in trying to sort of protect her from the judgments that his parents might pass on her, he is suggesting that on this first meeting, she refrains from wearing the ankle chain. It doesn’t mean that he shares the same beliefs and prejudices as his parents.

      My dad does not like men wearing necklaces. Honestly he thinks it’s indicative of a frivolous nature and will say that the money spent on that chain could have been better spent on buying land, building a house bla bla bla. That’s his old school belief. I don’t share that belief. However, If my chain wearing boyfriend were to meet my dad for the first time, I would request that he not wear the chain. Otherwise my dad would tell me I’m entering one chance and the drama and advice would be too much.

      I hope my bf would do it for me, for the love we share. But I wouldn’t leave it at that- I would try my best to address my dad’s misconceptions and any other meeting between them, I would never ask my bf to remove his necklace. After that first meeting, my dad is OYO. In fact, I will make sure he wears two chains sef LOL. But what I would have achieved is an opportunity for my dad to assess the guy without too many biases floating in the air. To me, my bf doing that for me is indicative of his respect for my father.

      Also, this situation applies to the Nigerian context. In our conservative society, people mistakenly associate it with being a woman of easy virtue. Your girlfriend cannot lie and say she doesn’t get a lot of unsolicited attention from men. Lots of idiotic men see ankle chains as you saying come hither.

      There is another misconception about women using ankle chains. We are very spiritual people and stories float around about wearers of ankle chains and how the chains are usually charmed. Same for waist beads. Which by the way in local settings is usually used to deliver medicinal portions into the skin after incisions (gbere). The beads would have been soaked in the portion. If a “I think waist beads are fashionable” woman wears visible waist beads to a meeting with the in-laws, she might be creating the impression that she is a jazz using person. Which MIL wants that?

    • Ann1

      August 18, 2015 at 12:53 am

      He’s a man, that’s his woman, and he loves her exactly the way she is as he claims. Now time for his first task as a husband and protector. If he is truly fine with her leg chain, then he needs to bring her to his parents just as she is. And if they try to attack her, as a man and as her future husband, he needs to stand up and defend her!!! Stop fighting her for such a daft thing such as removing a leg chain. Just leave her alone. And I must point out that I like this girl. She’s not like these desperate to please Nigerian girls, that will do absolutely anything to kiss their inlaw’s ass just to be accepted and for them to allow their son to marry them. Just like Ann1 said, her chain ain’t hurting no one!!!

    • Ready

      August 18, 2015 at 7:02 pm

      Ann1, I think you’re considering this from a very narrow perspective. Manny’s logic is so far from ass kissing, it’s just common sense. That I choose to not wear an item that my man who I want to marry (therefore I choose him as my leader) has asked me not to wear on one single occasion is just common sense to me.
      He knows his mother….he knows his fiancee. He just wants to avoid the drama on that first meeting, and he’s not asking her to stop wearing it. If the woman has any idea of the love he has for her, this thing would not become a major discussion because she understands that he’s acting in her best interest. Does an ankle chain define her character? No. Will his mother see it that way? Maybe not.
      You keep emphasizing that her chain isn’t hurting anybody, well not taking it off may hurt her chances with this man who appears to be a very good one (in my opinion, it’s unnecessary obstinacy…are we a team or what? Do you trust my judgment?) as well as her future inlaws. So who has more to lose?

  2. Oh well

    August 17, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    Did you say she is in her mid thirties?she is clearly not acting it.
    She should be mature enough to pick her battles abeg.This is clearly an avoidable battle!!
    If she insists,let her wear it..when the gbege starts..have her deal with it ALONE afterall she made the stubborn decision alone!
    She clearly isn’t ready for marriage where COMPROMISE is part of the survival stratgey

    • Tiki

      August 18, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      I was just about to say this!

      This fiancée is obviously not ready for marriage and all that comes with it, if she thinks she must have her way in wearing an ankle chain for a first meeting with inlaws.

      Ladies, learn to pick and choose your battles. Sometimes your husband’s(fiancé’s) goodwill over such a little issue, will stand you in much better stead than proving that you can browbeat him into letting you have your way.

  3. Ada

    August 17, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    Start as you mean to continue o….

    She can wear a long dress and cover the anklet for now. When your family come to know and love her, she can show off her anklet plus nose ring if she wants and they would still love her.

    If she remove am today, she no go wear am back? To avoid stories like “she don dey change o don begin wear leg chain” make she leave am on.

    • Eda

      August 17, 2015 at 4:44 pm

      You seem to be the first smart person here. This man should be willing to stick up for her. If she wears it all the time, then it is what it is. Is it every time his family comes that she’ll start removing. Comon girrarahia! The only suggestion I’ll make is: girlfriend, maybe for the first major meeting you should wear trousers or something to cover it. But as time goes by they better conform.
      The mother is already an irrational person talmabout “my son is marrying outside”. She should go and bring wife from inside na, make them show her son pepper.

      This mother in law lacks focus and needs a proper education.

    • cryingneversolvedanything

      August 18, 2015 at 12:00 am

      WORD!!!!

    • I know

      August 18, 2015 at 6:21 am

      @Eda remember according to the article even the girl’s mum doesn’t like it – so what do you have to say to that?

  4. Nkechi

    August 17, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    I hope she gets to read this comment. Removing the ankle chain is the wisest thing to do. As I grew, I realized the fact that other people will not have the same mercy your parents had. I offended my parents while growing up a number of times and they still love me, my father sends me text messages and mum wats app messages but not even other people can take half of what my parents have taken. Here is my point sister, don’t wear the ankle chain if you are going to meet conservative parents. There are issues already and you don’t want to add to them. Your man loves you already and he is not asking for too much. You guys should pray also. It is well.

  5. Tantra

    August 17, 2015 at 3:36 pm

    She has a point but can’t she leave the leg chain for one day? It’s not hard unless there is emotional and spiritual attachments to the leg chain. Well,if so, tell ur parents casually b4 d D-day! You could tell them her dead best friend gave it to her b4 her death. She wears it as a reminder of their friendship.

    • sass

      August 17, 2015 at 3:49 pm

      Babe abeg did you study strategic strategy in uni. This your advice is the best I have seen.

    • kenitola

      August 18, 2015 at 12:59 pm

      lmao……you don kill me with laughter….yeeeeeeeee

    • cos i say so

      August 17, 2015 at 4:20 pm

      lmaooooo….. gbam!!!

    • Eda

      August 17, 2015 at 4:43 pm

      I don’t know why she should have to lie so much in order to be herself. His mother will still be biased no matter what. I’ll only suggest that for a major meeting, she takes it off. Put it back on after. If they like, they should cancel wedding because of anklet. This man needs to grow a pair!!!

    • Iris

      August 17, 2015 at 8:32 pm

      I think so too. They’ve already generalized her entire ethnic group as ‘loose.’ The way I see it she can compromise today but this is just the beginning. Today is anklet. Tomorrow it will be something else. I hope they are both prepared.

  6. Christian Sister

    August 17, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    Aww you’re such a good loving guy its cute. We women sometimes have plenty plenty palava. I get what you’re saying, and I get where she’s coming from too. You don’t want your parents not so accepting behaviour towards your fiancé fueled even more because you want them to accept the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. On the other hand, your woman just want them to accept her for who she really is. I agree that she’s risking a whole lot, but the truth of the matter is that’s what’s right. In the nearest future after you guys are married, and your folks come visiting and find multiple earrings and an anklet on her, it would be way worse trust me. From the disdain looks, to the side comments, and even confrontation, it will be messy. It’s better they see her for her right now, and then she can explain herself. Whether they like it or not, at least she was honest.
    Side note: She can do away with the anklet to avoid the whole drama tbh. Love is sometimes about making certain sacrifices.

    • cos i say so

      August 17, 2015 at 4:21 pm

      Contradictory…. should she wear it or not?

  7. Her Jazz dey work on you

    August 17, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    Every facet of life has rules and regulations.

    Every occasion and event has an appropriate, unwritten code for dressing, comportment and mannerism

    -You cant go to the court as a lawyer in mufti
    -You cant go to the site, as an engineer without the appropriate outfit/protection
    -No matter how wild you are as a chic, you cant go to the church/mosque with a pant & bra alone
    -No matter how psycho you be, you cant go naked on the street say this is what i am, who i am and what i would love to wear.

    Dressing appropriately to visit your parents shows a sign of respect for you, your parents and elders.

    Her jazz been dey work on you tey tey. Go see this Uru Eke article and many babes needing a man and one girl dey do shakara on top your head. The girl dey use your play kalo kalo or mario
    http://www.bellanaija.com/2015/08/16/uru-eke-5-tips-for-the-single-female-at-30/

    @All, later some people will say some Ex dumped them or dem no get BF when all these silly manners and so so freedom “i can do whatever i like” is what they do.

    Wetin she give you chop?
    Tell me
    One chance you don enter so
    Adieu to you (In Atoke’s Voice)

    • Her Jazz dey work on you

      August 17, 2015 at 3:58 pm

      Plus

      1. Her mother cannot talk to her (My babe has told me her own mother is not too happy with her extra ear piercing nor anklet but she has come to accept it.)

      2. You cannot talk to her ( I have explained to her why it may be a bad idea. We have argued about it …)

      3. She has no regards for your parents (wear ankle chain to meet them despite knowing their stand on these things)

      Then who can talk to her? Who does she value?

      Did you say you are in your mid 30’s?
      You are a disgrace to the men folk.
      You be leaf kind of man
      You deserve some brain reset slaps and some lashes
      Falling hands since 1803
      If na jazzz she use for you, receive deliverance right now

    • Eda

      August 17, 2015 at 4:47 pm

      You’ve mental problems to think that a woman who is assured in her ways is doing jazz. Men that sleep around like dogs and criticized from all angles still continue and there are no consequences. How much more a woman who is just being herself? Is she harming anyone???

      Everyone wants to police her and she refuses. You call her names for that. Go see a psychiatrist.

    • Zeeebby

      August 17, 2015 at 5:15 pm

      Woooooowwww….

      So a woman in her 30s needs her mama to approve of her ankle chain….? Your comment is disgraceful….. We know your kind….Those men that cannot handle a woman who is sure of herself, knows what she wants and how to achieve it…PELE… dnt worry your kind still dey market

    • Ada Nnewi

      August 17, 2015 at 4:09 pm

      Idiot alert

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 17, 2015 at 10:40 pm

      Roger roger.??

  8. HYKE

    August 17, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    When folks talk about being “Good Christians” I wonder who they are trying to impress, Man or God?….How come good Christians are debating over ankle bracelets….Hmmm well both of you are old enough to know that there are many rivers to cross in marriage and an inconsequential detail as ankle bracelets should not be a stumbling block..
    Start well dear friend.

    • cos i say so

      August 17, 2015 at 4:23 pm

      I beg to differ me darling… multiple earrings and anklets does not a sinner make

    • Zeeebby

      August 17, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      From your statement, a good Christian is not supposed to wear ankle chains….Please how do you know a good Christian, coz I thought only God knows our hearts…and are supposed good Christians supposed to judge others? …… Just asking?

    • wha?!

      August 17, 2015 at 4:43 pm

      Your folks are ridiculous, no disrespect intended.. You know that; c’mon its 2015 and they cant see past her ethnic group, why should she dance to the non-sense? To avoid a fight, its already a fight. Your parents need to learn to respect your choices, and decisions. C’mon….., you know parents love to meddle and judge, and she is never going to win, so why don’t start making her go krazy. If parents know you get all irritated and can possibly loose you, they will back off. .. men its an anklet, not even a tattoo.. abeg, abeg, abeg.. WhaT!

    • Dunai

      August 18, 2015 at 12:12 pm

      U’re talking as if u don’t belong here,Nigerian .As much as I like ankle chain I don’t wear it bcos my courage do fail me. Meet one’s in-law to be to me ankle chain/using more than a pair of earring z out of it. Especially when there son have told u earlier expect if the Mom is fashionist, is nt abt being fake/pretence as long is okay for the fiancee.Just save ur head simple.

    • TA

      August 17, 2015 at 4:45 pm

      @ HYKE, yes I’m in my 30’s and I wear an anklet too. 🙂 and I don’t think that qualifies a good or bad christian. Of course, there are times and places I choose not to wear it

    • Atoke

      Atoke

      August 17, 2015 at 5:08 pm

      Lol Girl! I’m just here thinking which of my friends can help me bring white gold Anklet from Wuse market. Lol Talmbout wearing anklet and being in your 30s! Ah! Ejor o!

    • Simi

      August 17, 2015 at 7:20 pm

      Hmm…Atoke, I’ll advise you do sterling silver cause I can’t tell you how many I be lost but maybe I’m just careless.
      Actually, I tend to lose them when I take it of because I’m going somewhere where it may not be acceptable blah blah blah.
      Tor, I guess my advice is to Mr. is to let her be. Trust me, there’s a ton of things to worry about at a first meeting with ‘judgy’ family already

    • Simi

      August 17, 2015 at 7:21 pm

      I have lost

    • TA

      August 18, 2015 at 8:42 am

      @ Atoke, Lol. I’m planning a trip to Abuja later this year so I will keep ya request in me mind. 🙂 @ Simi, yes to that advice. Sterling silver has been rescuing me. I have like 4 sterling silver anklets and plan to buy more because I keep losing them,not sure how. Lol. So, the white gold will be for occasions.

    • PurpleiciousBabe

      August 17, 2015 at 4:51 pm

      That is what I thought what is good Christian? lol
      I dont have an advice to be honest.
      You have said you will marry her regardless so there you go. x

  9. RIFF RAFF

    August 17, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Smell the coffee.Your mama don’t want that girl; the chain, anklet is just a petty detail. If your woman was from your tribe, mama won’t see it as a problem.Kindly talk to your mother’s husband a.k.a your dad. Ask your dad to tell his wife a.k.a your mom to face her perfect husband, her perfect marriage and her perfect life and leave your “easy virtue” fiancee alone. You are a grown adult. You are not complaining. See how they preparing themselves to stress and drive the poor fiancée away. And don’t get me with “do u what she went thru for him to be what he is?”. Please, every parent goes thru stuff in order to see his/her child succeed.

    If mama feels genuinely concerned,
    1) Ask her to pray for u and your well-being.
    2)Or tell her you like your to see your woman like that. Better still, tell her u buy those things for her.
    Then talk to ya gal; she can wear what she wants as long as she maintains a respectful attitude towards your peeps.

    Understand this: Your mother is not going to marry you. I refuse to understand why so many mothers won’t let go of their sons. HE IS YOUR SON, NOT YOUR HUSBAND, FOR GOODNESS ‘SAKE!!! YOU LEAVE YOUR PROBABLY AFFECTION/SEX-STARVED HUSBAND AND HANG LIKE THAT ON YOUR SON? SORRY IT’S NOT MOTHERLY LOVE, THAT’S BEING VICIOUS! Mothers, your authority in your boy’s life stops when the woman he wants to marry steps in. That’s life. Some mothers won’t even hesitate to start competing with the son’s wife.

    And if after this, nobody wants to let your woman breathe., Go the Peter Okoye way: STAND BY YOUR WOMAN AND TELL EVERYONE TO GET LOST!!! DON’T LET PEOPLE LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR U. U WILL REGRET IT! why? they will abandon u to face the consequences alone when u fail to live up to their expectations, the same expectations they forced on you. I know what I’m saying.
    YOUR CHOICES ,YOUR LIFE, IT IS ALL YOURS AS LONG AS YOU CAN STAND BY THEIR CONSEQUENCES (GOOD OR BAD) TILL THE END!
    PLEASE, IF U TRULY LOVE HER, DON’T ALLOW ANYONE TO BULLY YOUR WOMAN. IF THEY DON’T LIKE HER, LET THEM STAY WHERE THEY ARE.
    ALL THE BEST!!!

    • Eda

      August 17, 2015 at 4:50 pm

      You my friend are f***ing amazing!!!

      “Tell your parents you bought it for her”. That’s the best advice. Let them come for him instead. That’s sticking up for your woman!

    • MC

      August 17, 2015 at 9:13 pm

      You have said it ALL!!!!!!!

  10. Becca

    August 17, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    Anklet!!!! and extra earring is doing you???? Good on her for holding her ground. Nonsense and ingredients.

  11. pipi

    August 17, 2015 at 4:05 pm

    you can never take away the fact that people’s first perception of you is by your physical apperance. If you truly love him u would do this for him just to avoid talk talk,.. you would just suceed in causing friction, since they already have thier views because of the tribe.

    for example my own dad doesnt like coloured hair, if i am going home to visit i change the colour for my hair, out of respect. if am in my house that fine but if am going to his house thats a different ball game.

    respect the people u are going to visit! even if they are not ur soon to be inlaws

    • dami

      August 17, 2015 at 8:43 pm

      I agree totally with you. My hubby told me his family didn’t approve of a lady wearing trousers, on my first visit as a prospective wife, I honoured that tradition, my next visit as a traditionally wedded wife, I wore my trousers each day&no one dared question me. I guess that having known mme for a while & seen the home I came from, they couldn’t be bothered if I wore bumshorts.

    • tee A

      August 17, 2015 at 10:30 pm

      Sp this is a bit dicey. My parents-in-law also dont approve of women wearing trousers as per MFM pastor things. But as a trouser loving babe, I pretend like say I no know, wear my trousers like I would normally. They never raised it with me. If they mentioned it to their pikin, I dont know. For me, I felt it was best to present myself as I

    • tee A

      August 17, 2015 at 10:35 pm

      So this is a bit dicey. My parents-in-law also dont approve of women wearing trousers as per MFM pastor things. But as a trouser loving babe, I pretend like say I no know, wear my trousers like I would normally. They never raised it with me. If they mentioned it to their pikin, I dont know. For me, I felt it was best to present myself as I meant to go on. No undue need for self-censorship. Several months later, I wore a skirt to some church-function and there were comments like”wow, ive never seen you in a skirt before’
      In this case, wisdom is profitable to direct, if they already have subsisting issues/reservations about the fiancee, it may be best not to exacerbate it. Or like someone said, the guy should just tell them he bought it for her.

    • MC

      August 17, 2015 at 9:19 pm

      But it’s your hair. If you want green hair, then why should you have to change it!? Even if people don’t like it. That’s all it will be, their preference. It’s not your duty to look the way others,including parents (that’s if you are not still a minor and/or living under their roof) want you to look. What do they gain from it? You call it respect?
      Respect is now changing the way you want to look to suit another person’s liking. I see.
      But! If you are happy to change for others, that is your choice. I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t.
      I just wouldn’t call that respect.

    • Ready

      August 18, 2015 at 7:13 pm

      But this isn’t changing yourself na. It’s not like you’re altering your physical appearance. If you don’t like to cover your head in church, but you go to their church to worship and it’s a head covering church, will you say they’re asking you to change yourself?
      This matter is so simple to me.

  12. LamLam

    August 17, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    Thank you HYKE!!!

  13. Ross

    August 17, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    She’s being difficult because of something you threw in her face during your argument (you definitely didn’t tell us everything) and knowing us women, it’s probably something small. Like, did you already tell her your mum doesn’t like her because she’s from another tribe???? You know you men don’t know which one to talk and which one to keep.
    She is being resistant because she feels if your mum doesn’t know her but has already judged her, there’s no point in trying cos she will still not like her.
    Don’t argue with her anymore. Let it go and also push the date of meeting your folks.
    If you don’t shout and don’t threaten her, she will come around.
    Sometimes we just need for you men to not dangle the whole marriage, parents thing in our faces.

    • Maturity

      August 18, 2015 at 11:31 am

      One of the few matured comments here. I can not even believe they are arguing about anklet!!! Anklet!! My advise for you my brother….. let her go with the anklet, in fact, if she wants to wear pata to see them, it is okay and it will be OK!! When the parents start roasting her.. just keep quiet and allow her bail herself (it is all about liberation now). If she succeeds, prepare for the wedding, if her braggadocio fails, let her go. From what you have described here, you are on for a very tedious journey called marriage…… and if that time comes… hola, and i will happily buy beer to quench the frustration.

  14. Zeeebby

    August 17, 2015 at 4:22 pm

    My Humble 2 kobo.

    Marriage is a Contract, both parties have their terms and conditions (i.e… this is who I am, this is what I want to achieve, this is what I will or will not tolerate) any subcontractor will have to submit to the terms already agreed upon or close eye…..Let her go with the anklet… if your parents don’t like it, at least they know about it already. if they only start to see her rocking it after marriage it might cause more harm than your intended good.

  15. Ocean Beauty

    August 17, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    I am still here trying to figure out which ethnic group has “many women of easy virtue”.
    So if your mum has reservations about a lady with anklet, she ll collapse when she sees the one with numerous waist chains/beads and rings on the fingers.
    Your mum should look beyond the physical lest you bring home a wolf in sheep clothing.

    • Open Sesame

      August 17, 2015 at 4:52 pm

      Hahaha! Nobody should answer o! Else I sense an ethnic war starting any moment now.

      I think I know but my dear make I leave matter for Mathias.

    • puzzles

      August 17, 2015 at 5:27 pm

      my sister, women have suffered!

      it depends on who you are asking. Some will say
      1. Edo
      2. Calabar
      3. Yoruba
      4. Benue

      BTW, I know ladies from these tribes (except benue, more familiar with southerners) who are morally upright and decent. So, people should really stop with these generalizations

    • zayn

      August 18, 2015 at 8:51 am

      Madam i can talk, don’t even bring yorubas into this topic because its obvious the girl is igbo, they are the loose ones with no boundaries

    • Diuto

      August 23, 2015 at 6:43 pm

      Zayn shattap jooor!

    • TruthBeTold

      August 17, 2015 at 6:32 pm

      lol I am with you on that one. What ethnic group has women of easy virtue abeg?

  16. Open Sesame

    August 17, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    See the problem with asking complete strangers for advice on private matters? They will put all sorts of ideas in your head and confuse you if you let them.

    I’m not sure why anyone would bring something as precious as a relationship to a bunch of strangers to preside over. Just read all the comments above, from the ones saying she’s jazzed you to the ones saying she should be herself to others saying she should pick her battles…confusion!

    Please remove your relationship from the mouth of strangers, take your personal life off the internet and consult your nearest and dearest if you need advice. If not, your biggest problem won’t be an anklet.

    Btw, if I was your girl and I read this…I’ll be so madddddd!

    • MC

      August 17, 2015 at 9:24 pm

      Sooooooo mad!
      Anklet made him bring his relationship to BN!

  17. anon

    August 17, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    I love my dad’s approach to marriage…

    1) do you like her?
    2) does she like you?
    3) if she doesn’t change her worst character/ trait (e.g. stubbornness, anger etc), can you deal?
    4) Can you handle the worst projection of her from today?

    Most parents shud have similar approaches to life.

    Yes- you gf is stubborn. The question isnt whether or not your parents will accept her but whether you can accept her fully? And more important, whether you can deal with the related consequences (e.g. rships with your parents). I am my husband’s biggest PR. I manage his rships with my family. I ensure that his shortcomings that I accepted from him, I manage it so that it doesn’t alienate him from my family (sometimes him).

  18. Yewande

    August 17, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    Like as in what does an ankle bracelet have to do with anything?? I don’t understand how, a chain can be an issue. Listen to all the qualities that you just listed about the woman you love and your here trying to say that a chain around her anklet could prevent your family from loving and respecting her. Asking her to remove it and form holy is how it all starts. After she stops wearing the anklet, it will them become an issue of she wears make up or she likes to use weave. Let her be herself. Let your family see her for she is and respect her like that. In this 2015 civilised people are still judging people based on minor things like ankle bracelet and nose piercing. I’m quite sure this decent woman you talk of isn’t walking around with a huge hoop in her nose.

  19. olamicome

    August 17, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    @ eda,you also typed above that someone’s mother lacks focus and needs proper education!! But here you are angry at ” her jazz dey work for you ” for her comment about the lady. In as much as you can insult the mother inlaw indirectly then leave other commenter’s to express their opinions.

  20. zelda

    August 17, 2015 at 5:53 pm

    Am with the woman!, be true to your self!, at some point every body gets tired of pretending! (D pretender & its recipient)when u get tired then what?, this goes to all you adults still pretending to your parents!,stop lying to your selves & your parents!, let go of the pretense,if what yor are up to is wrong! Take some good advise,& change! After all no mater what or who you are God always talks to every individual in form of your conscience,its up to d individual to listen!.

  21. Babe

    August 17, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    Oh puhlease!!!!! She should remove the silly anklet, what’s the big deal in meeting your in-laws without extra drama.. Abegi some pple too like story….smh. Like if she was in Uni and a lecturer says don’t come to my class wearing that anklet, is she gonna tell the lecturer this is who I am I can’t pretend. Very funny! Nne remove it Biko.

    • MC

      August 17, 2015 at 9:28 pm

      Uni lecturer deciding whether one should wear an anklet!???? Not allowing student into lectures because of anklet!?
      Is this a realistic example? Please I need to know!

      This post has given me the most joke.

    • didigal

      August 18, 2015 at 8:59 am

      Yes my dear OAU Lecturers can send u out of their class for wearing too much make up sef…u just brought back some funny memories

    • MC

      August 18, 2015 at 1:12 pm

      Wow wow wow! WOW!
      I actually don’t know what to say (type).
      So…in Nigeria is one ever an adult in control of their life and their decisions?
      If you had said secondary school, I may have understood. But university! Adults!
      It’s a shame really. So many people oppressed in that country. Seems like it’s really hard to be yourself, because one may be too busy “respecting” others, wondering what others may say and following tradition and religion….just so that others can be pleased about an issue that does not effect them in the slightest.
      How can one tell a grown woman to remove her makeup for lectures. No matter how good or bad the makeup looks.

  22. Ayoka

    August 17, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    If she was going to the white house, I doubt she would wear a leg chain. Same for an interview or to work, I doubt she would wear a leg chain. Yet, it would be okay for her co-workers to see her off duty in her short skirt and leg chain. Outside of work, it is none of their business.
    This is a meet the parents day, she can chill for that day. After that, before the wedding, she can wear her leg chain. If they have any objections, you still have time to let them know you love your girl like that .
    It’s not about the leg chain per se, I think it’s the message of nonchalance and I don’t care that it sends to the parents (in the Nigerian context).
    This is just my opinion. In Nigeria, I would rather wear a ton of necklaces and rings than a leg chain to meet my future in-laws. The leg chain does not define my real me so I would have no qualms taking it off.

    • TA

      August 18, 2015 at 8:08 am

      @ Ayoka, sweetheart. I wear a leg chain to work everyday. I was assessed for my present job with my leg chain on and if invited to the white house,depends on what I’m wearing or my mood sef I could wear it or not. 🙂 I don’t know what industry or sector you work in but most corporations (Oil and gas,financial services, FMCG,telecomms) these days allow personal jewellery (regardless of where it is placed),I have colleagues with tattoos and there is an African American dude on my floor with dreadlocks. And I gather he is an Ivy-league trained Engineer…so there goes your theory.

    • Ayoka

      August 18, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      Okay then TA, substitute aso rock for white house. You obviously live in the US. I do too and I realize that the workplace and cultural environment is different. We are talking about Nigeria here. Michelle Obama can wear her sleeveless all she wants in the US but check out when she goes to the Middle East .. she covers up her arms. On one occasion, she used a scarf to cover her hair.
      You are going to visit most in-laws in Nigeria, dress conservatively, it won’t kill you.
      Okay, what if she has a tattoo in the crack of her back, she had better expose it on day one so that later her MIL will not come to their house and see it.
      If she drinks, she had better carry along a bottle and let them know on day one. If she doesn’t show them and they later know, wouldn’t that have been pretending?
      If she likes to dance azonto like a crab, she had better make sure they know on day one.
      If she likes to use swear words, day one she should use one swear word per sentence.
      Abi don’t these things make up who she is as much as the ankle chain? She should show all of herself on day one oh. They cannot come and be finding out things about her later.

    • TA

      August 18, 2015 at 8:56 am

      @ Ayoka, I might wear an anklet if invited to the white house, my decision to wear it or not might depend on what I’m wearing or even my mood and I doubt if white house protocol will have a problem with it. I wear an anklet to work and was interviewed for my present job with my anklet on. I don’t know what industry/sector of the economy you work in but most corporations ( Oil and Gas,financial services,FMCG, Telecomms etc) have no problems with their staff wearing personal jewellery regardless of where that is placed. In my present company, an African American guy on my floor wears dreadlocks and he is an Ivy-league trained Engineer, my mixed race boss has a tattoo on her ankle area and she is one of the most respected brains (the world over) in our field. So there. 🙂

    • Ayoyi

      August 18, 2015 at 11:22 am

      I agree with you Ayoka.If the guy truly mentioned the ‘anklet’ in a way that isnt forceful,then the whole thing isnt quite about anklet!I feel she is just being stubborn and is proving she is above your imput on the issue.Its good to be a ‘live your truth’ kinda person but there is a diplomacy that is required when it comes to marriage especially in 9ja families.The guys parents would not be living with the couple and if they even do,it will be outta their hands after the wedding as the guy will be the person giving excuses for his wife’s ‘anklet’. The lady will shut down bigger issues in the marriage and will always want to have her way that even the guy sef go tire.Remove the anklet and act the film for them as we are all actors at job interviews and even in front of reguar friend’s parents!

    • TA

      August 19, 2015 at 12:00 pm

      Hi Ayoka, I was not talking about the article itself but with your reference to what is acceptable dress & grooming at the White House or workplace.

      And for your information, I do not work in the US. My company is based right here in Lagos. 🙂

  23. Ona

    August 17, 2015 at 6:20 pm

    Biko wait o. I feel like im in a twilight zone right now. Granted, i left naija young so maybe its some cultural thing i never got hip to, but what in the world is wrong with an ankle bracelet??

    • Peaches77

      August 19, 2015 at 3:22 pm

      The matter over me oo!
      I haven’t taken off my anklet for about 16months now. Chai, so na so so bad eye people for church (abi) dey give me since…

  24. Olapade Eniola

    August 17, 2015 at 7:02 pm

    I don’t think an anklet or a leg chain should be a problem afterall she has good character.What’s d use of pretending.its not like 1 can pretend 4 ever.she should just visit your parents in whatever way she’s comfortable with.It’s better they know her for who she is now than after marriage

  25. Kemi

    August 17, 2015 at 7:02 pm

    Relationships re about compromise. If she takes d chain off for one day is she going to die? Or even permanently will it take away anything from her? Hez nt asking her to change her religion biko

  26. Ibk

    August 17, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    Dear,think about this for one second or maybe a couple of seconds, if your mum likes her normally would she still wear that anklet to meet her? Its a sign of disrespect, like she already knows ur mum doesn’t like her nd she wants her to know she doesn’t give a fuck abt that. Insist on her not wearing it. All these girls sef. Smh

  27. NaijaPikin

    August 17, 2015 at 7:42 pm

    Are you serious. Anklet is the reason for your worries? You do know anklet is the equivalent of bracelet right? Exactly what is wrong with wearing an anklet?

    Mr man, when you were meeting her own family, kindly explain what you had to give up/adjust/prentend to be/pretend to not be?

    How can a 30 something year old man who is independent not be able to stand up for his woman?

    PLease if her wearing an anklet is a deal breaker after all the favorable characteristics you have listed, maybe you don’t deserve her anyways.

    Nigerians need to realize, your parents cannot live your lives for you. It is good for your family to be aligned with your decisions, however when they choose not to for ridiculous reasons, it is best you stand for what you believe and who you love. Only 1 life to live, you should never compromise your happiness

  28. babygiwa

    August 17, 2015 at 7:43 pm

    diaryofmsgenesis.com/abide/
    Ladies and gentlemen, read my sister’s Christian blog. It is very inspirational.
    Dear poster, talk to your woman. She should learn how to pick her battles wisely.
    Shalom.

  29. Koffie

    August 17, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    Please folks, you can address the issue without talking rudely about his parents. Kai, one should never table matter to strangers oo, talking about the dude’s family being ridiculous. Haba, kilagbe kileju? That’s what happens when a grown man needs validation on whether he was right in disagreeing with his lady.
    Obviously both women (mother n fiancé) mean a lot to you and you’d rather they get along without any associated drama. I think you should beg your folks to treat her like she were you. Be firm without coming off like you don’t value their opinion. Tell them you prayed about it and that’s all they can do for you as well. If your lady decides on damning the consequences and your mother has her reservations, you could tell them you like it when your babe wears it and in fact, na you buy am. (Yeah yeah, Christians don’t lie).
    I’m almost certain your babe argued over it because of the manner you implored her not to wear it. Don’t sweat it anymore and she’ll probably just by herself choose her battles but if she doesn’t, biko defend her like it was your own scheme.
    I’ve seen S.U parents accept their daughter in law in all her makeup and tube dress glory. It’s all about introducing them small small and also your ‘agbekale’. All the best

  30. 2kobo

    August 17, 2015 at 9:55 pm

    first impressions counts. it’s just for that day, not as if he is telling her not to wear when ever she meets his mum. it’s just for one day hian!

  31. gggg

    August 17, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    your girl dey do like ogbanje…lol

  32. Amh

    August 17, 2015 at 10:05 pm

    Aww pele. From your description of her. Her ethnic group can be deciphered. As you lay your bed so you will lie on it. Its your cross be ready to carry it . Its from your own doing. Kindly marry her and forget you have a family. Your love is enough. And morever you are starting a new family you do not need your family again. Omo akotileta nie. Eni awifun oba jeobgo. Shes disrespectful and do not care about your family. Ode. You better waka. You are in for a big ride. She will beat up your mum and sisters eventually. Ode.

  33. Amh

    August 17, 2015 at 10:08 pm

    @ truth be told. Why dont you ask bruno. Hes the nincompoo to answer the question.

  34. unrealistic single girls full BN

    August 17, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    For many of you saying that is who she is; what is the big deal in anklet bla bla bla, seems you people are on another planet.

    If you don’t have any form of respect for your partner, don’t you have respect for his parents too? If you don’t have respect for his parents, shows you don’t have respect for your own parents as well

    Nothing wrong in dressing anyhow to meet his parents? U mean I can come wearing boxers and a singlet to meet your parent?

    I can come meet your parent with cigarette in my hand or tattoo all over my face cos it is who I am and I don’t care what your parents feel or will say?

    Many of you are not cultured a bit. Many of you are not ready for marriage. You think its just about you and the guy alone? There will be many forces, individuals and actors that will have a say in your final decision.

    Aside all this, I am happy it is a woman problem. It is a woman saying that to his son and having reservations about the DIL to be. All of you here too will grow up to repeat same cycle – women wahala. In fact you are already doing now, having reservations about your friend’s boyfriend; reservations about your brother’s girlfriend; reservations about your sister’s boyfriend……

    Karma is a bitch, as you have done to others, now it is time for you to face it as well. If you must marry their son or their son must marry you, you have no choice than to heed or you remain single and remain that stubborn bitch for your fathers house!

    • Natu

      August 18, 2015 at 2:47 pm

      Why does she have to conform to please them? You don’t judge people based on their external presentation. You judge people based on their character. Let the woman be. African people and their silly protocols.

    • Tiki

      August 18, 2015 at 4:02 pm

      I agree with you but kai! The cursing plenty.

      Too many people do not know what is important in life. Keep your eye on the prize, in this case putting your best foot forward (no pun intended) so as to start of on a good footing (lol I’m on a roll here) with your inlaws.

      If this girl was my friend or sister, I’d bitchslap her upside the head. If the man was my brother, I’d tell him to run. Somebody who can pick a fight over an anklet with regard to people she has never met and will have to deal with for the rest of her life, is not a forward thinker at aaaaaalll!!!

  35. nnenne

    August 17, 2015 at 11:37 pm

    Why pretend?

  36. JJ

    August 17, 2015 at 11:53 pm

    This is very simple. How do you dress when you’re going for an interview, you’re dress to impress right? Meeting your potential inlaws is like an interview. You might not need to change your personality but you however don’t want to ruin your first meeting

  37. Tosin

    August 18, 2015 at 1:18 am

    we’re discussing a leg chain.
    she just wants to be upfront, let it be. if you can’t stand her style, move on.

  38. nene

    August 18, 2015 at 1:22 am

    she obviously has little respect and love for you. will it kill her to remove the jewellery for 1 day? u must really love her but as a woman, it is either she has no respect/love for you and your family or she is plain stubborn, there could also be a spiritual attachment to the anklet. she is a silly woman at her age.

  39. Rose

    August 18, 2015 at 1:45 am

    Honestly I don’t understand what d whole long story is for just a leg chain. Relationship is abt compromise… This one is not even a big deal….I mean serzly….Pple sha get energy…. Biko she should remove d leg chain….haba for just one day and she no greee…..OK ooooo

  40. Mz_ daniels

    August 18, 2015 at 8:56 am

    Since the poster says they are good xtians, amama quote some scripture;
    Wisdom is profitable to direct.
    All things are lawful, not all things are expedient.

    That said, in Africa, parents are concerned abt who their children get married to hence the 1st meeting whether male or female is important. The babe should just not wear the anklet, it doesn’t make her less self assured, it just means she has good understanding.

  41. Kiki

    August 18, 2015 at 9:15 am

    This is unnecessary. If she really is the beauty and brain you think she is, she should understand the power of first impression

  42. Adaeze Writes

    August 18, 2015 at 9:56 am

    There are some things in the African society that people see as ‘inappropriate’ it’s not that things are really inappropriate but due to the differences in generations i.e between we and our parents, our choices differ. I could remember when ladies started wearing the ankle chain way back, my aunt, uncle and even my parents disapproved. The women that wore the chains were regarded as unserious, then later on, the waist chain/beads came out and the same reservations came from parents, uncles, aunts and grand parents.
    As far as I am concerned, it’s a leg chain, a metal object which really, is just as it is. This metal object is so small and perhaps insignificant but the truth is, it could turn this relationship around for either better or worse. If your girlfriend decides to wear it, fine, let it be her decision but your part is to stand by her decision and defend her in the best way possible before your family, remember, do not fight with them but lovingly and patiently try to make them understand because, family is everything. However if you are able to discourage her from wearing it and she agrees to remove it for your sake, fine, she’s making a sacrifice for your sake and you should stand with her through it.
    So, in the event that either of the two should happen, stand by her and show her that you will always love and support her.

  43. Jhennique

    August 18, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Dear young lady, how about having mercy on the poor man who is trying really hard to get his family to accept you?
    How about just making it a tad bit easier for him and leave the leg chain for one day?
    Ur mother is ur mother oh, she will accept you the way you are just dont expect the same of another persons mother. Which one is your own with the leg chain? not everybody will understand you, besides we are in Africa we are very rigid with culture sometimes. Maybe u shud just help yourself and your fiance and behave less childishly for this visit

  44. Jhennique

    August 18, 2015 at 10:15 am

    But seriously Mr, are u sure you want to marry the type of woman that isnt humble enof to sacrifice leg chain for her husbands peace of mind????

  45. vien

    August 18, 2015 at 10:38 am

    mid 30’s that is 34-37 yrs old girl still dey put chain for leg, and dey wear doble ear rings,next 1 go be tatoo…..if she cant leave all that then she is nt ready @ all for ur parents.,for crying out loud and a younger lady that her,buh if i were ur mum ,i wuld never agree on such a lady…kangikoooooo

  46. Tkum

    August 18, 2015 at 10:55 am

    Forgerrit!!!…i used to date an ex who wanted to marry me. This guy has huge badass tattoos on his left arm very very obvious…that period he got me engaged and always coming to visit my parents his supposed inlaws, i remind him when coming over he should make sure he comes with a lot of long sleeved shirts so as to hide the tattoes..my dad is a strict christain who would never accept such… i stood up for this guy…the many times he came up till date my parents dont know he has a tattoo..Fast forward our courtship, i realised dis guy has a temper issue very bad…he can be violent n always destructive whenever he is angry.. for that particular one mbok! i couldnt stand up for him oo…i took heels for my dear life. So to the sender of this mail…ankle chain shouldnt be ur fear…STAND UP FOR HER!!

    My Question is what if the said babe for instance is a loquacious one, and ur parents detest loud people, would u tell ur babe that on the day of meet with ur parents, she should only say like 10 words in 1 hour?…Bros! this is not a problem at all… Oga select ya battles biko…what u tryna conceal from ur folks, might shock you isnt wat they wud be looking out for on that day. Be careful!

  47. moi

    August 18, 2015 at 10:57 am

    The point is been missed, i doubt u both understand what marriage is abou, its not about the ankle chain( thats minor) but about the fact that u asked her, gave her ur resons and she refused to reason along with u to the extent u guys have to argue over it, she is an independent woman and trust me that doesn’t work in marriage, u have to be co-dependent on each other, she would probably never listen to u in marriage. there are so many things much more important to talk about in marriage how do u settle those if an ordinary issue such as leg chain is causing issues. For the guy i want you to re-access ur woman ,her previous relationships and why she is still single at 30 with all these outstanding qualities u mentioned.

  48. Tkum

    August 18, 2015 at 10:57 am

    damn!! auto-correct tho…please in the spirit of oneness, help me correct my mistakes as you read. Thank You.

  49. The man in question

    August 18, 2015 at 11:28 am

    I’m the fiance who posted the original comment and I’m glad to say we have resolved it peacefully. My girl says I should have known she was not going to wear the chain the minute she said ‘ I’ll think about it’. What do I know? I’m still trying to get a hang of #womanspeak. I showed her this website and turns out she knows about it. Thanks to everyone who commented.

    • Come here man

      August 18, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      Probably she changed her mind after seeing the comments
      I can tell that you are head over heels and really in love with this girl

      Man, come here, listen to me. I know you not and you know me not, but i tell you, You better go pray very well! I pity you o

      A lady who cannot listen to her mother, cannot listen to you, cannot respect your family (whether she will think about it or whatever way she diplomatically declined), i doubt if she will ever agree with you when you are married.

      Seems to me you love this girl more than she loves you. Are you forcing/begging her to marry you? Is she interested herself in marrying you? hmm

      Marriage pass love o. Love isnt enough for marriage o.
      I don tell you my own

    • Samsung galaxy

      August 18, 2015 at 1:11 pm

      ” I showed her this website and turns out she knows about it”

      Go check for every comment by “Eda” here seems she is the one. Her comment is all over. According to her, your mother is irrational, lacks focus and needs a proper education.”

    • Seun

      August 19, 2015 at 1:00 am

      I think you’re right Samsung galaxy. Her comments seem very mean and disrespectful compared to other comments on this post.

    • Tiki

      August 18, 2015 at 4:05 pm

      Lol I seriously doubt that ‘womanspeak’, but I’m glad she changed her mind. Just sorry it was (or had to be) publicized before that happened.

      Good luck with the inlaws.

  50. Debby

    August 18, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    First time I was going to meet the boyfriend’s mum, I removed my second and third earrings, and dse wre earrings that I’d neva taken off since I got the extra piercings…..dre’s nothing like “I can’t change who I am”….u weren’t born wt an ankle chain,Neither were u born with extra piercings……I feel she’s just being deliberately stubborn…..

  51. Kunle

    August 19, 2015 at 12:19 am

    Even Lewis Hamilton was refused entry into the the royal box for the last wimbledon final because he did not “dress appropriately” by wearing casual clothes instead of formal wear with a jacket and tie. It is called respect! Every occasion has a tradition and u need to respect ur hosts.

  52. red

    August 19, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    i think she should leave it o to avoid issues like “this girl has started changing”, let them know who she is from the first day as long as she maintains a good and respectful attitude with them. there will be many times they will meet na so does that mean she will remove it every time she’s gonna see them, hence, be playing hide and seek for the rest of her life….

  53. Timi Kanore

    August 21, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    Hello BN,

    Would you be kind enough to use your Aunt Bella platform to put across a question?

    Is it right for a married christian couple to watch pornography? What about if it is just to educate themselves? What are the demerits of engaging in the act?

    Thank you.

    • BellaNaija Weddings

      BellaNaija Weddings

      August 21, 2015 at 2:43 pm

      Hello,

      Please can you share the personal experience behind the question? Aunty Bella is to share dilemmas faced by our BN readers.

      You can email us, if you prefer not to comment.

      Thanks

  54. Timi Kanore

    August 21, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    My wife and I got married as virgins. Throughout our courtship we only kissed a couple of times. Fast forward to the wedding night, we tried having sex but to no avail. We have also tried on a number of other occasions and got the same result. We have now been married for some weeks (close to 2 months), but I am yet to get ‘in’. Initially, we thought she was just too tight (And yes she is), but now I don’t even think I am trying the right hole or doing the right thing altogether (We are both worried if we would ever have sex)…. Let’s just say we are two lost blind folks, and I wonder if some pornography would help matters. Given that we are married and mature, I don’t think the known demerits of pornography will affect us. However, I worry about our souls. Just wondering if it’s wrong for married christians to watch porn. Tnx

    • bee

      September 4, 2015 at 12:43 pm

      Hmn I have heard stories of a health condition that can cause this but it may just be that your wife is frigid. why not talk to your doctor please sure he will be more professional and can help you.

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